The trailer for Zack Snyder’s Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice was supposed to make its debut to the public in select IMAX theaters on Monday. No, it’s not going to play in front of another movie. The trailer is going to play by itself in a special screening and fans have to RSVP to guarantee their asses a seat. I was going to throw a side-eye at the hos RSVPing for a damn trailer, but I am not the one to judge. If a proper Showgirls sequel was made and the teaser trailer for the teaser trailer for the teaser trailer for the teaser trailer was released only in theaters, I’d be typing out this post while waiting in line. But anyway, someone decided to screw with Warner Bros. yesterday by leaking a blurry, bootleg Portuguese version of the trailer. I’m sure most nerds were attached to an IV drip full of Gatorade last night from orgasming until they came dust while watching the trailer for the new Star Whores movie, so I’m not sure if any of them even bothered to touch themselves over their pants while watching the Batman V Superman trailer.
The trailer is about as light as a Catholic funeral and while our ears are hit with a bunch of pretentious voice overs, our eyes are hit with men staring at things. There’s a whole lot of staring going on. There’s Superman staring at stuff and Batman doing a spot-on impersonation of an Easter Island figure while staring at stuff. I have a feeling that the movie’s most riveting scene will be a staring contest between Batman and Superman. The trailer ends with Batman getting into some kinky, Fifty Shades of Rubber talk by saying, “Do you bleed? You will.”
UPDATE: The blurry, pirated one that was filmed on a potato was snatched away, but Warner Bros. released the trailer in HD.
And I really hope the second trailer gives us a long glimpse of this pivotal scene:
What’s the point of making a Batman V Superman movie if you’re not going to include the only superhero moment that any of us (read: me, just me) care about!
I’m sure Kanye West looked at these two covers and thought: “I’m sorry, why is American Hustle’s head bigger than mine? I was told my head would take up at least 89% of the cover, and I see it has not. You’re still able to see the word TIME. This is bullshit. Kim, get Stefan Sagmeister on the phone, I wanna design a new cover.”
After Beyonce made TIME’s list of 100 Most Influential Hos last year, I assumed they were going to retire the title most influential and replace it with until Beyonce makes it back on the list, these people are ok too, I guess, as per the expressed wishes of her majesty Beyonce. But then I saw a couple copies of this year’s TIME 100 in the waiting room of my Brazilian plastic surgeon (real truth: I was at the Swift Suck Lipo Depot in Tampa) and it appears they’re still going with the most influential thing. Although if we’re talking about Kanye, most influential in their own minds might be more fitting. Because all the TIME 100 people are written about by other famous types, Kanye’s ass was kissed by Elon Musk, and that makes zero sense to me. What does the guy who makes electric cars have to do with the guy who turned his wife into a mindless fashion drone? Oh, they’re both into robotics. I get it now.
This year’s list of people who apparently are very influential also included Kanye’s living Hot Looks doll Kim Kardashian, Bradley Cooper, Lorne Michaels, Tay Tay Swift, wait…go back a second. Kim Kardashian? As in drowsy monotone-voiced reality star Kim Kardashian? Of the 7th Circle of Hell Kardashians? Eh, she’s probably a lot more influential than we think; I’m sure “…just don’t make me look like Kim Kardashian” is the phrase most commonly uttered before 90% of cosmetic procedures, and that’s a type of influence, right? You can see the list of all 100 influential people here.
But Bradley Cooper is an odd choice too. How could TIME pick him over his American Sniper co-star, the fake baby?!? That fake baby had more influence on me than any other famous type last year, and that includes real babies too. Everything I needed to learn about life I learned from fake baby. For instance, when in doubt, keep quiet and make it look like you’re sleeping. That’s true inspiration. Fake baby was robbed!
Nicki Minaj bumped fuck parts with that Safaree Samuels for at least ten million years (or 11 years, which is practically ten million years in famous ho years) and when they broke up for good last year she wasted no time in jumping on new full-time dick. Nicki apparently got on rapper Meek Mill sometime in January and now it looks like they’re already promised to be married. The dangers of rebound dick. Sometimes a new dick fucks with your head and has got you making rash decisions. And sometimes new dick gives you an actual rash, but that’s a discussion for another time….
Nicki pulled a subtle STUNT QUEEN move on Tuesday night when she Instagrammed a picture of a gigantic ring sitting on her finger while she posed next to Meek in Miami. Just like she wanted, her fans started screaming about the ring and so she Instagrammed an up-close portrait of it. Usually when you see a ring like that on Instagram, the caption next to it reads: “Look at what came out of my Diamond Candle!” But some source tells E! that’s her actual engagement ring, because she’s actually engaged.
“Both Meek and Nicki have been spending amazing quality time together lately and have gotten extremely close these past few months. It may seem like it all is happening very quickly but Nicki and Meek are in this 100. They truly love each other.”
If Meek Mill truly loved Nicki, he’d tell her, “Um, I love you, but that engagement ring you bought for yourself looks like something a 10-year-old girl on a sugar high would post on Pinterest as her ‘dream ring.‘” Nicki Minaj saw Lady CaCa’s heart-shaped diamond ring and raised it to horrifying levels of tacky and trashy. And I expect nothing less and I’d be disappointed if her ring didn’t look like a Lisa Frank unicorn’s kidney stone. It looks like some shit from the My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding Jewelry Collection by Claire’s. She totally disemboweled a Sweet Secret for that ring. But bitch is Nicki Minaj. I expect next level tacky from her.
A jewelry expert tells E! that they believe that ring cost $500,000. Yeah, half a million dollars. The Cracker Jack box it came in better be made of pure fucking gold.
And judging by those prostate-stabbing nails, I guess Meek Mill doesn’t let Nicki’s fingers go to his butt hole town. Or maybe he does and likes it’s extra, extra rough.
Here’s Nicki performing in Birmingham, England a couple of weeks ago.
I know, I really missed an opportunity to Photoshop two massage therapist peens into his paws. Next time.
In the HBO Scientology documentary Going Clear, a chunk of time was spent with Spanky Taylor, the former brainwashed disciple of the Church of L. Ro who was John Travolta’s “handler” and escaped after the head bridge queens punished her by separating her from her baby daughter and by forcing her to do 30 hours of labor at a time. Spanky claims that John knew she was being abused, but stood by with a plastic smile on his face and a plastic wig on his head and did nothing about it. Going Clear also claimed that John Travolta is trapped in a prison of his own secrets. Scientology has a file of “dirt” on their sweetheart, which they gathered during his auditing sessions. If he even thinks about packing up his wigs and leaving that cult of crazy bitches, they will expose his most ESCANDALOSO secrets. I’m not sure what these life-ruining secrets are, because if they told us that he wears fake hair and gets the tingles for warm dick, none of us would even bother letting out a, “meh.” The only things to side-eye him for are for being a Scientologist and for wearing jewelry from an International Male catalog circa 1996.
And yes, I’ll wait here as you take a Windex wipe to your monitor since that post title is dripping with extra chunky sarcasm.
Every hot, skinny blonde bikini model can let out a giant queen of relief, because after Leonardo DiCatchACho’s cheesy peen reportedly spent time in RiRi’s vagine (yes, they both denied it, but let me believe), it has gone back to boning hot, skinny blonde bikini models. Page Six says that the Craigslist Orson Welles impersonator was creeping on Sports Illustrated model Kelly Rohrbach at 1Oak in L.A. the other night. I guess having to get her coochie flea-dipped and picking Leo’s beard mites off of her crotch didn’t keep Kelly away, because they hung out at a different club a few nights later.
Kelly was this year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition “Rookie of the Year,” which is the same title Leo’s longtime piece Bar Refaeli (Side note: Yes, they dated on and off for only 6 years, but in Leo years that’s 5,689 years.) won in 2007.
We all have a type. Leo’s type is hot, skinny blonde bikini models who will hump on him to get their names in Page Six and my type is absolutely almost anything at this point. The Yoplait cup next to me is starting to look sexy. I’m that hard up. It’s times like these when Leonardo DiCatchAHo is probably so happy to be Leonardo DiCatchAHo, because if he wasn’t a multi-millionaire movie star he probably wouldn’t be wet humping on a Sports Illustrated model. He’d be using his beard grease as a lube to fap to a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition in his parents’ rec room.
Despite the fact that practically every day since Amber Rose called it quits on her husband of one year Wiz Khalifa has been a dramatic social media shouting match MESS, it looks like Amber Rose still dreams of being Mrs. Cheez Whiz. I know, cue up all your Michael Bluth “Him?“s. Yesterday, Amber professed her undying love to Wiz on Instagram (of course) by posting a picture of the two of them tongue humping each other with the following admission that she’s clearly next-level dickmatized:
“My #ManCrushEveryday you know what it is…. We went wrong somewhere and even if we never ever get back together (Even tho I pray, dream and hope we do) he will forever be the love of my life. The media doesn’t make it easy but fuck them we gotta live for reality and not society. We forever have a bond because we made a beautiful baby from our Love. Through all the ups and downs of our relationship my heart still beats for him every single day. I’m sick of putting on a front like I’m happy without him. I’m not. He makes me happy. He’s the only one who can. Regardless of how our lives Turn out in the long run he will always be the skinny tatted up stoner that has my heart.”
Oh brother. If only Amber had a Loretta Castorini in her life to grab her by the shoulders and tell her to snap out of it. Then again, I doubt it would do any good; she’d just spin around, pop her giant booty and go “Okay, now slap this one! Wait – lemme grab the video camera.”
I get that Amber’s coochie is lonesome for Wiz’s skinny tattoo needle dick, but that’s because it doesn’t know any better. According to a fact I just made up, crotch parts aren’t very smart, so even if your brain is like “Kick that scrub to the curb and delete their number!“, your crotch parts will be like “Aw, but remember the time they humped you so hard you went cross-eyed for 2 hours? That was nice, right?”
Here’s Amber taking a break from sitting at her window and singing “Somewhere Out There” like a horny Fievel at some skate shop opening a few days ago with Nick Cannon:
I’ll wait here as you sprinkle ice water on your piping hot b-hole which is probably throbbing after looking at those frosted tips in Jeremy Renner’s hair.
Hawkeye and his wife of approximately forty five seconds (10 months to be exact) Sonni Pacheco can put their earrings back on, take off all their rings and wipe the Vaseline off of their mugs, because their custody throw down is over. Jeremy and Sonni’s custody tussle never got to Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry levels of crazy, but his “roommate” did accuse her of being a drunk, shitty mom who did coke on vacation once (“Once? What is she a nun?” – White Oprah) and she said Jeremy’s house was a baby death trap of horrors because he didn’t lock up his guns and didn’t have a gate around his pool. Jeremy’s “roommate” (Side note: Every time I type “Jeremy’s roommate,” I picture myself whispering it into the ear of a gossiping old lady during church service in the 50s) also claimed in court papers that Sonni threatened to expose “intimate videos” of Jeremy if he didn’t give her what she wants.
Those “intimate videos” won’t grace our eyeballs anytime soon, because those wrecks have settled their fight. People says that Jeremy must pay her $13,000 a month in child support. Their daughter Ava will spend half of the time at her mom’s house and the other half at Hawkeye’s lair. Sonni and Jeremy signed a prenup when they got married so she gets a whole lot of nothing in spousal support. Sonni wanted the prenup voided due to “fraud,” but that didn’t happen.
TMZ says that during the hearing yesterday, Sonni’s lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan said they had more issues to settle, to which Jeremy’s lawyer Laura Wasser rolled her eyes at before the judge dismissed the case completely.
The extremely reliable and totally accurate accounting website called Celebrity Net Worth says that Jeremy Renner’s net worth is $35 million and he’s probably going to make another mountain of money from Avengers: Age of Ultron. So I’m disgusted that he’s only giving Sonni a measly $156,000 a year for child support! $156,000 won’t even get her an entry application into the Gold Digger Hall of Fame. Sonni deserved a lot more, because I’m sure she had to put up with a lot of shit like Tom Cruise calling at all hours of the day and night pretending to be a laundromat clerk and asking her to send him bags of Jeremy’s dirty chonies.
And I’m sure the “intimate video” that Sonni had was of Hawkeye making out and cuddling with a silicone mold of JLo’s tits, because he’s that heterosexual and he loves JLo tits that much.
The second-stage Pokemon evolution of Channing Tatum, Ryan Phillippe, recently did an interview with Variety, and apropos of nothing, they brought up the fact that he’s 40 now. I guess because Variety wants us all to feel old by thinking about the dude from I Know What You Did Last Summer blowing out 40 candles on his birthday cake or something. But apparently being 40 doesn’t affect him at all, because according to Ryan Phillippe, Ryan Phillippe still passes for a teenager and sometimes for Ava Phillippe’s older brother.
“It’s crazy. And still, I get carded constantly. My daughter hates it, because sometimes people have thought I’m her brother, and she’s freaked out by that.”
Even a deluded trick like Kris Jenner, who’s been desperately working a 4th Kardashian sister game for years now, is like “Sure, Jan.”
But where are these magical liquor stores in Los Angeles that don’t know who Hollywood movie star Ryan Phillippe is? Even if you did know who he was, but wasn’t sure how old he was, all you have to do is reach for a copy of Cruel Intentions from the DVD rack (there’s always a copy of Cruel Intentions for sale on the DVD rack at the liquor store) and realize that shit came out in 1999. And unless the part of Sebastian Valmont was played by a mature-looking fetus, he’s definitely old enough to buy booze.
Feel free to judge for yourself, though. Here’s Ryan leaving a club last week, and sure, he sort of looks young-ish, but dressing in Justin Bieber drag will do that to a person.
You can find pretty much anything on the internet. My favorite parts of the internet are the ones where people post videos of kittens falling asleep or high-resolution pictures of Kim Kardashian’s face. But apparently Kate Upton can’t get to hers because she has to wade through 8 layers of haters first. And since that many haters is enough to make anyone want to take a lie-down, Kate told Net-a-Porter’s The Edit that she’s decided she might as well save her energy and just avoid the internet all together:
“I’ve heard people say, you put yourself in that position to be judged. But no, I put myself in that position because I really liked that photographer, I wanted to do that piece of work. Not to be judged. The internet can be horrible, so I just don’t look at it anymore. But maybe a little hate is good for me. Because if I’m in a spot where everyone loves me, I won’t try as hard.”
She also gets nostalgic for the early days of social media. Hmmm, I wonder if she was more MySpace or LiveJournal? You’re right – definitely Friendster.
“I feel like social media at this point is kind of bullshit. At the beginning it was amazing and a lot of fun. It was like, ‘Cool, I can talk to my fans!’ And now I think that we’re losing the art of it. When I joined Twitter it was just me, but [when] you’ve got contracts, it’s so planned. Now it’s about who has the best marketing, not who has a really good personality.”
Yeah, why do I get the feeling that the majority of the people following Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Kate Upton on social media aren’t doing it because they’re interested in her “good personality”.
But back to Kate saying bye bitch to the internet. Isn’t it just to be expected that once you become a famous type you’ll eventually find some shady shit written about yourself on the internet? I bet even a flawless living gemstone like Dolly Parton has stumbled upon some anonymous type hissing the words “her face iz bad and that wig is FUG” at least once in her life. Oh my god, for real though – just typing that for pretend made me feel so guilty.
Here’s more of Kate Upton serving up some aspiring rich lady realness in The Edit:
If you haven’t already passed out and died from holding in your breath while waiting for Ryan Reynolds and Blake NotSoLively to confirm their daughter’s name, you can finally breath again. And we can all sleep again and the planet can resume spinning. Because Ryan Reynolds and Blake NotSoLively, the only humans on Earth to name a child, have finally confirmed their daughter’s name.
Even before Blake NotSoLively birthed out their first kid late last year, Ryan joked about their baby’s name and after the birth, he continued to make jokes. Because well, if he simply said her name or didn’t say anything, he wouldn’t get as much attention. During an interview with Willie Geist on Today, Ryan finally confirmed that the rumor was right and their daughter’s name is James. Damn, I was hoping it would be Idoo Declare Lively-Reynolds.
Willie: You’re very guarded, I respect that, so I’m not going to ask you the little girl’s name, but you did say a few months ago before she was born that you were going to name her Excalibur Anaconda Reynolds. So can we call her Ana at least?
Ryan: That is not the child’s name. It is Butternut Summer Squash. No, it’s out there. It’s James. Everyone knows. I told everyone who would listen, that before it was out there I didn’t want to be the first guy screaming out to the media, because as we know, little girls turn to teenage girls and little teenage girls sometimes scan through the archives and go, “Why did you do that?“
In 16 years, I’m really sure Jim Reynolds is going to shout at her dad, “I can’t believe you told people my name after I was born. I fucking hate you!”
Yeah, I don’t think she’ll be pissed about that. Finding out that her mother was behind Preserve.us, is a completely different story….