It’s been about two weeks since the definition of random found itself a new favorite couple in Jenny Slate and Chris Evans. Jenny supposedly pulled her vagine off of her husband of 4 years and dropped it on Captain America’s crotch torch. They met while working on a movie together last year and have been a thing since at least March. Well, have they decided to completely ruin their new relationship by making a greedy, needy human who will keep them up all night and spit up all over them? Page Six has reason to believe that they have!
On Saturday morning, Jenny tweeted that she had the barfs. Jenny is 34 years old and when a woman her age gets the sicks, it could mean only one of two things: Either she listened to Blake and Gwen’s duet, or she’s in the family way! Page Six thinks it may be the latter:
I woke up in the middle of the night all sweaty& then barfed for no reason. In conclusion: I'm 7?
— jenny slate (@jennyslate) May 21, 2016
Yes I was up all night throwing up but now I feel DOUBLE JOY for feeling better& walking through beautiful Brooklyn on a Saturday. Hiyeee!
— jenny slate (@jennyslate) May 21, 2016
Sure, you could say that Jenny just had the flu, or whatever, but she’s doing Captain America and I’m sure his dick leche has all kinds of minerals and vitamins in it. It’s probably like getting DP’d by a box of Emergen-C and a bottle of Centrum. You never get sick as long as you keep doing him. Jenny seemed to spit on the rumors of her being pregnant this morning by tweeting this:
— jenny slate (@jennyslate) May 23, 2016
I think that just means that she already had Baby America. The gestation period of a superhero fetus is really, really short and I’m sure she already had Cap’s baby and now they’re raising it in secret. I mean, secret babies are so now.
“Are you there God? It’s me, your greatest creation-shit, straight to voicemail again, yo!”
With help from a bunch of dancers wearing what looks like hospital gowns designed by Yeezy, Justin Bieber performed on the Billboard Music Awards, and he also won Top Male Artist. (“Top? Blehehehehe,” laughed Usher.) But even though Justin Bieber got a brand, new shiny award, he left the Billboard Music Awards feeling all empty inside. Today, the Biebs sharted up a “Dear Diary” entry on Instagram about award shows and it seems like he just realized 3 things that most of us have known forever:
- Award shows are pretty meaningless and are mainly just fluffy entertainment for those of us who need a reason to booze it up at home on a Sunday.
- Many tricks in the audience at an awards show are there because they’re a camera whore. (And because there’s an open bar involved, but mostly because they’re a camera whore.)
- Those of us who watch at home grade, judge and rate every performance.
The Biebs just figured this out and it has hit him hard. It’s as if he just found out that Santy Claus is not a real thing. (Note to The Biebs’ parents: Wait until next Christmas to tell him the truth about Santy. He’s already been through enough this year.) The Biebs “Deep Thoughts” message is after the cut, and he pasted it under a picture of the Rock of Cashel Castle, because again, he deep.
Hello Kitty’s human ambassador was on Watch What Happens Live last night, and she showed up late and made Andy Cohen switch chairs because she wanted the camera to get her good side, dahling. The diva had landed.
On WWHL last night, Mariah Carey didn’t have anything nice to say about her nemesis Nicki Minaj, she said that she and billionaire Shrek will sign a prenup before they get hitched and she got into the “I Don’t Know Her” meme that will never die and will long live forever. (Side note: I’m surprised the Bernie Bros. haven’t started an #IDontKnowHer campaign about Hillary Clinton.) When JLo was on WWHL in March, she made it sound like there’s zero drama between them. On last night’s episode, the shifty Siamese Cat once again asked the Diva’dley Lion if she knows “her” and no, Mimi still doesn’t know “her.”
“Might?” said everyone who is looking at that picture of a stoned Chris Brown and wondering just how many invisible cartoon squirrels he thinks he’s winking at. However, if you were to ask Chris Brown, he’s not stoned at all, and he definitely wasn’t so stoned that he was escorted off a plane.
For being about as bland as a dried out water chestnut lying on a bed of wilted iceberg lettuce, Blake NotSoLively knows how to bring the controversy!
Fresh off from mouth dribbling out more heave-inducing words of praise for feminist worm dingle Woody Allen, Blake pissed people off again last night. Blake wore one of Miss Delaware 1989’s rejected gowns to the Cafe Society premiere at Cannes last week, but since everything about her is slow, just got around to posting pictures of it on Instagram. People didn’t get mad over the fact that it looks like Blake stole a dress from Vanna White and wore it worse. Blake’s caption is what really brought out the torches out. “Ah do declare, just thinking of the blazing light illuminating off of the torches of the gentlemen as they take their nightly walk in white robes takes my breath away,” said Beige O’Hara.
The most offensive part of this screen shot of Blake’s caption is that it reveals I follow her on Instagram. Now here’s my scandal:
Some didn’t understand Blake’s caption and some were offended. Jezebel wrote this about Blake’s “Oh, my, god, Becky, look at her butt” moment: “In the end, it touts a diametrical opposition: that Los Angeles can be equated to elegance and/or beauty (read: whiteness), and that Oakland is its foil (read: blackness).”
Meanwhile, as some tricks scratched their heads over what Blake’s caption meant, I scratched at the grey pube sprouting out of my wrinkled and geriatric crotch. Because I, being an old, immediately knew that line came from the mind of esteemed 90s philosopher and THE QUEEN’s most cherished knighthood recipient Sir Mix-A-Lot. Doesn’t everybody know every line to “Baby Got Back,” because didn’t everyone’s mom drunk dance to it at a wedding? Or maybe Blake wasn’t quoting Sir Mix-A-Lot. Maybe what she meant is that her face was crafted with a Los Angeles plastic surgeon’s scalpel and her ass implants were stuffed into her nalgas by a plastic surgeon in Oakland.
And really, the only way to make everyone forget about this is for Ryan Reynolds to post a fully hard nude pic on Twitter with the caption: “My anaconda….”
Woody Allen’s Cafe Society starring a trio of UGHs, Kristen Stewart, Jesse Eisenberg and Blake NotSoLively is opening up the Cannes Film Festival tomorrow, so Variety talked to KStew about a whole bunch of crap. And yes, this interview, like most Kristen Stewart interviews, is very “conversation about deep stuff with an angsty Emo 9th grader who just huffed spray paint from a paper bag.”
As totally expected, Gwen Stefani, the badass rebel of the high school who wears black nail polish and has an anarchy patch on her bomber jacket, and Blake Shelton, the hillbilly badass of the high school who has Truck Nutz on his F-150 and got suspended for sneaking a beer into an assembly, cemented their weird ass union in song.
Gwen and Blake made the anti “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart” with a duet called “Go Ahead And Break My Heart.” Elton John and Kiki Dee are so not amused. The song is on Blake’s new album If I’m Honest, and it’s about a trick who uses another trick to get over a breakup, but they fall in love with that trick and are scared and shit and blah blah… It’s so real life! Gwen and Blake performed their duet on The Voice last night. If you’re a cynical, bitter bitch like me, but want to see their performance, make sure you hold onto your eyeballs right after pressing play, because their natural reaction will be to roll.
Gwen, what are you doing?! To quote my friend when I agreed to go to a 3-hour-long church organ recital with my boyfriend-at-the-time because he asked me to: “I hope the dick is good, because that’s a deal breaker.”
That duet is just… I’d rather watch Gwen and Blake make out all sloppy-like while wearing matching outfits as they sit on the same side in a 4-person restaurant booth. That would be less heave-inducing to me. Why don’t you go ahead and break my nerves, you two!
And here’s THAT couple at the Angry Birds premiere in L.A. over the weekend:
When Madonna showed up to the Met Gala on Monday night wearing some kind of sex dungeon Game of Thrones ensemble, many of us said to ourselves, “Attention is coming….” And it did in all forms. Some hos slow clapped for Madge bringing her 57-year-old chichis and ass out. Some said that Madge needs more people… who will tell her to cover that ass up. Some Catholic abuelitas reached for their rosaries after seeing their black lace veil on Madge’s butt cheeks. Others let out a “meh” and continued to sip their spiked tea because seeing Madge’s full moon is more of a regular occurrence than seeing an actual full moon. Of course, Madge had something to say to the bitches hating on her ass. Since lately, Madge lives for the Instagram likes, she used Instagram to tell the people hating on her Illuminati priestess ho shit outfit to eat her ass.
Lee Daniels, the co-creator of Empire, vowed to fight the defamation lawsuit that Sean Penn threw at him, but I guess he figured it’s cheaper just to settle up and spit out a fake apology than continue to pay endless lawyer bills. Because Lee Daniels has settled with Sean Penn and now they’re good.
If there was some kind of gay
off-track off-stage betting place that specialized in betting on the Tony nominations, I would’ve gone in and put all my money on Hamilton for everything. I would’ve made a profit, because the Tony nominations were announced this morning and to the surprise of absolutely no one, Hamilton swept that bitch up and then some. Hamilton got a total of 16 nominations, which broke the record for the most nominations in the history of the Tonys. So basically, the Tony ceremony is going be nothing but the cast of Hamilton standing on stage in costume as people throw dozens of trophies at their feets.
But other productions were also nominated including the revival of The Color Purple: The Musical with Jennifer Hudson as Shug Avery. The Color Purple got 4 nominations and 2 of those went to JHud’s co-stars (Cynthia Erivo and Danielle Brooks aka Taystee from Orange is the New Black). JHud got nothing. JHud congratulated her co-stars on Twitter, but when one of her followers said she was snubbed, she shrugged. JHud isn’t surprised because she was only hired for her STAH POWER! She quickly deleted her response, but Yahoo! got a screen shot of it:
Pimp Mama Kris read that as, “You don’t need talent, just a famous name to be on Broadway,” and submitted head shots of all of her hos to the casting department of Hamilton.
JHud already has an Oscar and a Grammy, so she’s an E and T away from joining the EGOT Club. If she really wanted a nomination that bad, it would’ve been really easy to get one. All she had to do was crash the stage during a performance of Hamilton and sing like three lines. She would’ve easily gotten a nomination, because like I said, Hamilton got nominated for everything.
If you haven’t seen them already, all of the Tony nominations are after the cut. #TonysSoHamilton!