If you looked at that headline and said, “THEM?!?” You had the same response I did. But I guess in the game of dick, 28-year-old Liam Hemsworth and 26-year-old Cole Sprouse (who plays Jughead in Riverdale and was a Disney channel kid star with his twin) have got the coochies of their girlfriends going off like a jackpot siren on a slot machine. Because they’re winners at the dick game, so say their girlfriends.
The NYPD has been investigating Harvey ever since multiple women came forward last year and early 2018 with accusations of misconduct, harassment, and sexual assault. In May, he turned himself in to the police, where he was charged with multiple counts of a criminal sexual act, predatory sexual assault, and two counts of rape. Harvey continues to claim he’s innocent of any wrongdoing, no matter how many more women come forward with allegations. Which would lead us to the delusion of his latest email blast.
The next Pirates of the Caribbean movie probably won’t have Captain Jack Sparrow swaggering around on unsteady feet, but in the event they decide to throw in a knock-off of Disney’s most famous drunk pirate, here’s some free character development help for them.
Not too long ago, I went to visit some friends who are parents to a 3-year-old girl. After the second day, I almost used my phone to call the nearest mental hospital to beg them to please come collect me since my already-shredded brains had been shredded even more by the non-stop warble of Emma Watson singing in the CGI turd of a live-action Beauty and the Beast movie. My friend’s 3-year-old watches it on a loop, and I’m convinced that the demonic genius that is Mickey Mouse has evil hidden messages in his movies, which hypnotizes 3-year-olds into watching that shit show non-stop. I have the brain of a fetus so it doesn’t work on me. Nice try, Mickey! But you won’t find certain Disney princess movies playing on a loop at Keira Knightley’s house.
Just two days ago, everyone reported 46-year-old recent rehab graduate Ben Affleck and his 22-year-old Playboy model girlfriend Shauna Sexton broke up after about two months. Well, Shauna might be harder to shake than The Nanny, because she doesn’t think she’s Ben’s ex-girlfriend just yet.
Ben and Shauna had just returned from a trip to Montana, and everything seemed a-ok in their world. Then a day later, a source spoke to People, saying they’d broken up, and that Ben was focusing on his sobriety, his family, and his next project. Shauna tells DailyMailTV that it’s not true:
“I know [there are lots of unnamed insiders] – and they just make shit up, just like this. Don’t believe everything you read.”
“It was casual to begin with, and wasn’t the right move. It was newish. They were really only sort of seeing each other for about four weeks. He broke it off. It was more about realizing [a casual relationship] wasn’t the right thing for him.”
Another source tells People that the split was the relationship equivalent of a casual, apathetic shrug, because Ben and Shauna weren’t much of anything in the first place. So what does this bring us to now, two for broken up and one for still together? Shauna might want to come up with a different strategy for convincing us she’s still with Ben, because right away, she’s already outnumbered 2-to-1. She needs hard proof, like another Jack In The Box run with Ben. We’ll pretty much know for sure what’s up if “Ben” looks suspiciously like a promotional movie theater carboard cutout of Batman.
During this year’s Super Bowl halftime show when Justin Timberlake offended The Purple One by putting his pucker-inducing image on fucking laundry, I figured that Pepsi was torturing us so that we’d scream, “Enough! Enough! Okay, okay, bring back that creepy happy cult from the 70s. We give up!” I guess they want us to scream louder, because the halftime performers of 2019’s Super Bowl will be Heavy Flow Stain Cinco aka Maroon 5. “Honey, I think someone spilled the ranch, feta, and French onion dip onto the floor” will be heard at Super Bowl parties everywhere after middle-aged moms shoot out a coochie geyser from watching Adam Levine make orgasm faces.