It’s been over three weeks since Jennifer Aniston got married to Justin Theroux and not one picture of her wedding outfit has been released or “accidentally leaked.” Now we know why. Jennifer Aniston’s dress wasn’t an $80,000 custom couture gown and her veil had a J.Crew label on it. She’s obviously embarrassed! “Is bitch going poor? I should slip her a few hundreds during the money dance” is what guests said as she walked down the aisle in an off-the-rack wedding dress. It’s a good thing Goopy Paltrow wasn’t there. She would’ve fainted in her chair and her handmaiden doesn’t usually travel with a Baccarat crystal bottle full of artisanal smelling salts.
An Aniston “insider” tells UsWeekly that Jennifer bought her dress at a store and it didn’t cost the price of a new car.
The Friends alum, 46, who’s graced the most glorious red carpets wearing luxurious styles by Versace, John Galliano, and Saint Laurent, topped her knee-length frock with a veil from the popular chain store (whose veils typically sell for about $200).
Plus, the little white dress in question wasn’t super high-end, either. “Jen bought her dress at a store,” an Aniston insider shared. “It wasn’t thousands of dollars.”
Again, she bought her dress at a store. Who buys their wedding dress at a store?! Only poors, obviously. I can just picture the sad, sad scene. Jennifer walked into the store with dirt all over her face, picked out a dress and tried to pay for it using wooden coins, knocked-out silver fillings and a watch she swiped from a dude sleeping next to her on the bus. Will somebody please tell Jennifer’s agent to get her more endorsements, because she obviously doesn’t have enough of those if she’s buying a dress from a store. A store!
Here’s Jennifer shooting one of Gary Marshall’s “Day” movies in Atlanta. He’s done Valentine’s Day, New Year’s Eve Day and now he’s doing Mother’s Day. Will he stop fooling around and give the people what they really want, which are movies about National Dog Day and International Penis Appreciation Day. By the way, these pictures were taken before the important news about Aniston wearing an off-the-rack wedding dress broke. She’s obviously in hiding now and refuses to show her face in public.
Shortly after InTouch posted a brain-burning story about how Josh Duggar allegedly had rough, terrifying and traumatic sex with a porn star he paid, the Duggars announced on their website that he has checked into rehab and started long-term treatment for something. The Duggars didn’t say what he’s being treated for. As far as I know, there’s no rehab program for creepy hypocrite lie-tellers, so I’m guessing he’s getting treatment for his addiction to that evil gateway sin known as porn. Here’s the Duggars’ full statement:
We are so thankful for the outpouring of love, care and prayers for our family during this most difficult situation with Josh. As parents we are so deeply grieved by our son’s decisions and actions. His wrong choices have deeply hurt his precious wife and children and have negatively affected so many others. He has also brought great insult to the values and faith we hold dear. Yesterday Josh checked himself into a long-term treatment center. For him it will be a long journey toward wholeness and recovery. We pray that in this he comes to complete repentance and sincere change. In the meantime, we will be offering our love, care and devoted support to Anna and our grandchildren as she also receives counsel and help for her own heart and future. During this time we continue to look to God—He is our rock and comfort. We ask for your continued prayers for our entire family.
Jesus be a damage control coach, I guess.
Gawker thinks that Josh is in an actual rehab facility. But well, after Josh admitted to his parents that he molested a bunch of little girls, they sent him to do construction work with a friend. That was their idea of long-term counseling and treatment. So I’m guessing that Josh is in the woods somewhere “rehabilitating” himself by building a pied-à-terre where he can bring his future mistresses.
Because of the release of the N.W.A. biopic Straight Outta Compton, Dr. Dre’s history of beating up women made its way out from under the rug and people started talking about it again. Dee Barnes, a hip-hop journalist, wrote a piece for Gawker about how Dr. Dre beat her up at a party in 1991 because he didn’t like a piece about N.W.A. that aired on Pump It Up!, a show she hosted at the time. Dee Barnes also says that Dre got her blacklisted from the industry. Dre was charged with beating Dee and pleaded “no contest.” He got 24 months of probation and 240 hours of community service. The scene was included in one of Straight Outta Compton’s earlier drafts, but it was eventually cut out. Singer Michel’e, the mother of Dr. Dre’s son, has also spoken out about how he fucked-up her ribs and sent her to the hospital at least once.
In the past, Dr. Dre brushed off the allegations. But now that he’s a billionaire and a consultant at Apple, he’s probably thinking to himself, “Oh shit, I better have my PR team put something out before this really fucks with my business and movie.”
Dr. Dre gave a statement to The New York Times today where he apologized to the women and blamed booze and youth:
“Twenty-five years ago I was a young man drinking too much and in over my head with no real structure in my life. However, none of this is an excuse for what I did. I’ve been married for 19 years and every day I’m working to be a better man for my family, seeking guidance along the way. I’m doing everything I can so I never resemble that man again.
I apologize to the women I’ve hurt. I deeply regret what I did and know that it has forever impacted all of our lives.”
Apple also released a statement for some reason:
“Dre has apologized for the mistakes he’s made in the past and he’s said that he’s not the same person that he was 25 years ago. We believe his sincerity and after working with him for a year and a half, we have every reason to believe that he has changed.”
I guess Apple is Dr. Dre’s mom now. It’s like they knocked on all of our doors and as Dr. Dre stood behind them with his head held down, they told us, “Dre is totally changed and don’t worry, we already punished him by putting him on restriction for like two weeks and we only let him use the car to drive to school and back. Tell ’em your sorry, Dre!”
Kim Zolciak, seen above looking like the love child of Billie Dean Howard and the cartoon version of Samantha from the opening of Bewitched, recently appeared on Watch What Happens Live looking a little…how you say…fresh in the nose and mouth area. Kim hasn’t exactly looked like Kim for a while now, so it was no surprise when some aspiring detective called in to WWHL and asked Kim where her old face went. “WHERE’S KIM’S OLD FACE?!?!?!” is the new “WHERE’S SHELLY?!?!” (at least in my mind).
Despite the fact that it’s as plain as the expertly-carved nose on her face, Kim shat on the suggestion that her face is living that plastic surgeon’s knife life. Kim rolled her eyes and hissed:
“I hear this all the time, but I want people to understand. I had a baby in 2011, one in ’12, and two in 2013. So I think the weight of all that…but I mean, no, I haven’t. I did my boobs, my tummy. I did it on my show. And I just, I haven’t.”
Thankfully, Andy Cohen was wearing his best pair of confidence-boosting no-fucks-to-give underoos that day, and he called that Kim (and her new nose and her new mouth) out.
“Here’s the deal. I feel that you were here, I interviewed you for the Atlanta Housewives 100th episode special. I was staring at your face for a long time and it was clear to me that you looked a little different to me. I couldn’t tell, you said to me ‘no, no, no.’ Tonight you arrive wearing glasses and I’m like, ‘Now why is she wearing these librarian-that-can-be-seduced glasses?’ And now I realized, it is to take away from the fact that you have had a little bit shaved off your nose. You have a little shaved off your nose, and your lips are bigger.”
Of course, Kim continued to deny that she had any work done, and told Andy the reason her lips looked bigger is because she had “overdrawn” them. “Believe me girl, that excuse doesn’t work anymore” texted Kylie Jenner to Kim. But really, if Kim wanted to divert the attention away from her nose and mouth, she should have picked something louder than a pair of’ “pay no attention to my nose job” nerd glasses. Nobody would have noticed her new face if she had been wearing one of those awful Dr. Seuss hats from the 90s.
Here is more of Kim’s totally original unaltered face (LOOOOOOL) from Watch What Happens Live:
Kris Jenner, Pimp Mama Hall of Famer and forever second fiddle to the perpetually attention-hungry hydra known as the Kardashian-Jenner sisters, was graciously given the cover of something called Haute Living magazine. Although if you squint hard enough (and do enough vision-altering drugs and delude yourself enough and repeat the word vogue over and over again), it almost looks like she’s on the cover of VOGUE. Good job, Kris – you’ve truly earned it!
So patient zero for the Kardashian outbreak did an interview with Haute Living, which I assume is an above-ground sister publication to Hot Living (Hell’s best-selling monthly style magazine). She also sort of looks like someone you’d find in the background of the waiting room scene in Beetlejuice, but we’ll get to that a little later. The interview is loooong, which is crazy, because you don’t really need that many words to say “YAAAAY! I’M FUCKING FAMOUS!!!!“. But Kris said a lot. She also managed to pick n’ flick a teensy-tiny booger of shade at her other kids (“Me too?” thought former sock hustler Rob Kardashian, with a twinkle of hope in his eye) while talking about her kurrent favorite child, Kourtney.
Beyonce and that wet look…. It’s like parsley on an entree. Nobody wants it or asks for it, but she’s going to keep giving it to you.
Beyonce took one of her wigs, ran it under the faucet, flopped it on her head and said to Mario Testino, “Take my picture like this, bitch, and watch Anna Wintour STILL put it on the September cover even though I look like I just got out of the shower.” Now every hopelessly devoted member of the BeyHive is going to dip their hands into the jar of cooking grease their abuelita keeps under the kitchen sink and smear it all over their hair so they too can look like a wet Lhasa Apso is lounging on their head.
Never mind that Beyonce looks uncomfortable on that cover and like she’s got itchy butt and can’t wait to soothe it by rubbing up against that chair, Vogue released quotes from her cover profile and none of them came from her mouth. Who knows if she was even interviewed? I’d like to think that she wasn’t. Why would Beyonce strain her jaw muscles by talking about herself when some of her disciples can do the talking for her? They laid it on thicker than that leave-in conditioner on Beyonce’s hair:
“The word diva is used for so many female performers, and it often means they have reputations for being difficult, but she exudes charm and a lovable quality.” – Marc Jacobs
Beyoncé is a powerhouse. She can sneer. She can out-strut and stare down any man in the film frame. Call her, in the songs, She Who Must Be Obeyed—in the palace, in the bedroom, in the hood, on the road, and on the runway.
“Her appeal crosses art forms, genders, and generations.” — Stella McCartney
Beyonce’s going to save a lot of money on lotion made out of blended unicorn placenta, because Vogue kept her ass moisturized by licking every inch of it several times.
Vogue also released a HIGH ART video from the shoot that looks like the kind of warped VHS tape footage that plays during an episode of 48 Hours about a high-profile murder case:
Beyonce IS killing the BumbleBeys with this shoot, I’m sure, so that video is fitting.
It’s pretty obvious that Kristen Stewart is bumping vagines with Alicia Cargile, but she hasn’t exactly posed for a “Yup, I Love Puss” cover of People Magazine. In an interview with Nylon to promote that American Ultra movie, the humanized drool stain made it perfectly clear that she’s not going to come running out of the closet while waving a rainbow flag, because she’s not in the closet and she’s not going to confirm she’s bi unless she’s ready to be an advocate or some shit.
KStew sort of quoted Courtenay Semel when she said to Google her, you dumb fuck, if you want to know if she’s into coochie.
“Google me, I’m not hiding. If you feel like you really want to define yourself, and you have the ability to articulate those parameters and that in itself defines you, then do it. But I am an actress, man. I live in the fucking ambiguity of this life and I love it. I don’t feel like it would be true for me to be like, ‘I’m coming out!’ No, I do a job. Until I decide that I’m starting a foundation or that I have some perspective or opinion that other people should be receiving…I don’t. I’m just a kid making movies.
I think in three or four years, there are going to be a whole lot more people who don’t think it’s necessary to figure out if you’re gay or straight. It’s like, just do your thing.”
Well, if you Google, “Is Kristen Stewart bi-sexual?“, the front page has a few headlines including “Kristen Stewart Is Bisexual” and “Kristen Stewart Is Not Bisexual.” If you Google, “Does Kristen Stewart like coochie?”, you get a bunch of posts from Dlisted, a shady site you should never trust. So I’m more confused than ever. Googling her didn’t clear anything up! But wait..
Nylon also asked the mouth breathing definition of ANGST if she still talks to Robert Pattinson and she said:
“That’s not something I would ever talk to the fucking public about—that’s crazy.”
Hmmm… KStew didn’t talk about RPattz, because if she did, a sparkle would pop up in her blank eyes and she’d melt into the chair while thinking about the baby they’re raising together in secret in a hidden cabin in the woods. #RobstenIsStillUnbroken. We’re on to you, KStew!
The clit boner-inducer of Tumblr, Bendydick Cumsinsnatches, is playing the title role in a production of Hamlet at the Barbican Centre in London and even though some of the reviews say to skip it, it has already sold out, because Cumberbitches will sell the internal organs of their children to breathe in the same air as their god. But well, apparently some of the Cumberbitches aren’t giving the holy walls of the THI-TURR the respect it deserves and are acting like pieces of trash by taking pictures of The Alien Lizard King while he’s trying to do serious acting stuff.
The second Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale announced that they had filed papers to legally quit each other, I just knew that his one-time piece Peter “Marilyn” Robinson would pop up with a gigantic teapot and spill an entire Celestial Seasonings warehouse. Marilyn didn’t disappoint.
Marilyn was a pop singer who was a star on the British club scene in the 1970s and 1980s, and he has long talked about bumping fuck parts with Gavin Rossdale back in the day. Gavin dribbled out a stream of nopes about the relationship, but he eventually admitted it during an interview in 2010 and brushed it off as a one-time experimentation and a part of growing up. Marilyn said they were in love for 5 years in the 80s and he’s still so heartbroken that he can’t bear to put his lips on another. The drama of it all.
Marilyn is back and is here to tell us, through Radar, about the telephone conversation he had with Gavin Rossdale just a couple of weeks before Gwen filed for divorce.
UsWeekly says that Ben Affleck’s cliché mid-life crisis journey is right on track, because he allegedly took a page out of Jude Law, Ethan Hawke and Robin Williams’ playbook by taking his dick to the nanny’s poon. These mid-life crisis-having whores in Hollywood. It’s always the nanny. Can’t they change things up by doing the gardener or exterminator or someone other than the nanny. Give us a PLOT TWIST!
“Multiple sources” whispered into UsWeekly’s ear about how Ben Affleck has been dating his kids’ former nanny. Jennifer Garner hired the nanny and she obviously didn’t follow Mo’Nique’s tip when hiring a nanny or housekeeper. She didn’t hire a 4′ tall, fat 70-year-old man with two hairs on his head, no teeth and a chronic sharting problem. Jennifer hired a pretty 28-year-old named Christine Ouzounian. Christine grew up in California, worked for a fancy nanny agency in Beverly Hills and graduated from Arizona State University with a communications degree. Well, she allegedly put that communications degree to good use by communicating with Ben’s peen!!!
The sources say that during Ben and Jennifer’s 10-month separation, he and the nanny flirted and hung out without the kids around. Jennifer figured out that something was going on and immediately fired Christine. But that didn’t stop Christine and Ben from seeing each other. One of Christine’s friends claim that she went to his new rental house in L.A. on July 17th. (But I thought he was living in the guest house?) Christine thinks they’re going to be together forever. The source said, “She says Ben really, really likes her. She’s saying this is true love.”
But a rep for Ben threw UsWeekly’s story in the trash can and claims that Ben is not fucking the nanny.
“The story is complete garbage and full of lies. You shouldn’t be able to hide behind ‘blind sources’ and attempt to destroy families going through a difficult time. The tabloid [Us Weekly] decided to construct stories in order to sell magazines. It’s like story time in kindergarten. It’s shameful and desperate.”
Ben’s rep is right about it being shameful and desperate. That’s why I sort of kind of believe it. Ben would. But really, story time in kindergarten? The hell kind of kindergarten did Ben’s rep go to? I know it’s been centuries since I was in kindergarten, but I don’t remember our teacher gathering us in the story time circle to tell us the tale of the movie star and the nanny he’s doing. They read us “Cat In The Hat,” not “Dad In The Nanny.“