“I sure hope the pilot flying that plane up there doesn’t have a pussy!” is what I imagine Shirley Bassey is thinking in the picture above.
Well here’s a whole hell of a lot of random for you. During a recent interview with the Daily Mail, Dame Shirley Bassey (the voice behind a bunch of James Bond theme songs, like the International Gold Digger’s Club anthem, “Diamonds Are Forever“) decided to give a little impromptu TED Talk on gender equality. And basically, here’s what you need to know: Shirley Bassey isn’t having it.
This pick is straight out of left field if left field was 2005. I’m guessing that David Beckham’s publicist promised People the EXCLUSIVE divorce news if that ever happens and also gave a whole lot of sloppy salad tossings, because this is random for 2015. Yes, it could’ve been a whole lot better (see: Prince Hot Ginge, Idris Elba or Carrot Top), but it could’ve been a whole lot worse too (see: Blake Shelton, Justin Bieber or Jim Bob Duggar. You know those messes at People thought about that last one for a second.)
Posh’s husband took the Sexiest Man Alive crown off of Thor’s 90s boy band hair and gave the same pageant ass answer they all give when they’re called sexy and hot. They all say, “Oh me, hot? I’ve always thought I was a dog!” Try to read this in Becks’ signature “British cartoon mouse after inhaling a bunch of helium” voice.
“It’s a huge honor. And I’m very pleased to accept. I never feel that I’m an attractive, sexy person. I mean I like to wear nice clothes and nice suits and look and feel good, but I don’t ever think of myself that way.”
If you’re still meh-ing over this choice, you obviously didn’t read all the words on that cover. I mean, he vacuums! He’s like a hot tattooed Roomba with abs and a squeakier voice.
I’ll okay with this, but I’ll also say that People once again messed up when picking a cover photo. They just should’ve slapped Becks’ bubble butt on the cover and called it a day.
I don’t watch Blindspot, because I thought it was going to be a flop and shit canned after 2 episodes. I decided to watch Wicked City instead. I should really become a TV SLYCIC since I’ve obviously got skills. Blindspot was already renewed for a second season and Wicked Shitty was sent to the morgue after only 3 episodes. Speaking of the morgue, the star of Blindspot Jaimie Alexander reportedly thinks her dead body could be headed to the morgue in the near future and the coroner will write “Death By Fake Tats” on her death certificate.
So far this year, the one-time reigning Queen of Attention Whores has done sad, bottom of the barrel stunts like announce that she may run for president and flash a fake engagement ring at a party. Pure amateur attention whore shit. Lindsay Lohan’s latest stunt is just as low-level and she’s truly not making the most of her natural attention whore skills. Yesterday was the anniversary of the day that Lucifer butt birthed out Charles Manson and it was also the day that Lindsay Lohan Instagrammed a picture of herself in Sharon Tate drag. LiLo captioned the pic with this and I was going to say that she forgot to add the #LOOKATME hashtag but every one of her hashtags translates into #LOOKATME.
Lindsay Lohan may look like Sharon Tate currently, but other than that, I have no idea how that look is Sharon Tate inspired. It looks more like a Coachella business suit. And there are a few explanations for this, so let’s go over them real quick:
1. LiLo didn’t know it was Charles Manson’s birthday and can’t let go of playing Sharon Tate in a movie.
2. LiLo did know it was Charles Manson’s birthday, but decided to spend the day honoring the victims.
3. She did it solely for attention.
I know, I don’t even know why I bothered writing #1 and #2. And well, I’d rather see LiLo do her best Sharon Tate than look at another heave-inducing picture of her making food look like an alien autopsy:
via Gossip Cop
Jennifer Lawrence wrote an essay about dudes getting paid more than chicks in Hollywood. Patricia Arquette used her time on the Oscar stage to fight pay inequality. Sharon Stone said that after Basic Instinct, nobody wanted to pay her to work. And one of my favorite British blossoms Sienna Miller said she farted on an offer to do a Broadway play after finding out she was going to get a paid a lot less than her male co-star. But well, you won’t ever find Kate Winslet Norma Rae-ing for the wage gap movement, because she thinks publicly talking about that sort of thing is trashy.
The whole Bridget/Tom/Gis thing wasn’t exactly the same levels of ESCANDALO as the whole Mary-Louise Parker and Billy Crudup situation, but it was still a little messy. Bridget Moynahan and Tom Brady were together for around 3 years and after they broke up, he didn’t waste any time in moving on to Gisele Bundchen. Not long after GisBra was born, Bridget found out she was knocked up.
Gis talked about that time while pimping out her already sold-out limited-edition $700 coffee table book titled Who In The Hell Is Paying $700 For A Bunch Of Pictures You Can Probably Get On Google Images during an interview with Charlie Rose on CBS This Morning (video below). Gis says that she nearly headed for the exit door after finding out that her brand new piece was going to be a daddy. via People
“It was a challenging thing because here I am, you know, thinking, I’m dating this guy, we met, and we started dating and everything is great and then this happens. So, then I felt like I didn’t know what to do. It was kind of one of those moments of like, ‘Do I just run away?’ “
But if Gis ran away, she would’ve never been one half of the Brangelina of the sports and modeling worlds! Gisele says that Tom is a very “kind man” (translation: “bitch is simple“) and she loves her 8-year-old “bonus” son John Moynahan:
“I think, now, eight years later, I couldn’t have asked for a sweeter bonus child.”
“Bonus child.” How very LeAnn Rimes of her. I know people have serious thoughts about “bonus child.” One time when I was a little kid, my stepmother at the time took me shopping and she called me her “son” in front of a salesperson. Just “son.” That may have been the first time I learned how to side-eye. So I would’ve rather she called me her “bonus son” or even “that brat.” Hell, I would’ve gladly taken, “This whiny baggage I didn’t sign up for!” and “Unwanted gift with purchase.”
But maybe something got lost in translation and Gisele didn’t call John her “bonus child.” Maybe she was talking about Tom.
Around 10 months ago, Patrick Dempsey’s wife of 15 years and the mother of his three kids filed papers to legally kill their marriage the same way that Shonda Rhimes allegedly killed his employment on Grey’s Anatomy. Shonda apparently labeled Patrick as a bona fide asshole and his wife Jillian Dempsey may have co-signed that, because there was a rumor that his overinflated ego was the reason why she filed for divorce. Well, either Jillian has decided to stick with Patrick even though he’s about as fun as a torn anus (No, I am not speaking from experience… maybe) or scientists have invented an anti-asshole vaccine. Because Jillian and Patrick were seen holding hands in Paris over the weekend. (Side note: Maybe the pap took that picture right when they started to hold hands, but that shit looks awkward and looks like the way you’d hold the hand of someone you hate while doing a prayer circle.)
Patrick is in the UK shooting Bridget Jones’s Baby and People says that Jillian is traveling through Europe to do Jennifer Lawrence’s makeup for the Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2 press tour. On Sunday, Patrick and Jillian hung out in Paris where they rode bikes, went to a museum, strolled around and took selfies while looking like they just fell out of a J. Crew catalog.
These two don’t have a prenup and the 100% reliable Celebrity Net Worth says that Patrick’s net worth is $60 million. (I’m guessing 95% of his fortune came from residuals from the masterpiece Can’t Buy Me Love.) Jillian wanted spousal support, child support and joint custody of their kids. But now all of that may be off.
Um, this is not how it works in Hollywood. They’re not supposed to get back together! They’re supposed to leak crappy stories about each other to TMZ and then they’re supposed to drag each other’s name through a shit puddle during interviews. Then Patrick is supposed to move on by getting engaged to a 20-year-old trick 3 weeks after dating. That’s how it works. Will somebody let these two not-knowers know that?!
And here’s more completely natural pictures of Patrick and Jillian in Paris.
My mom regularly watches The Voice and she thinks Blake Shelton is a tall drink of 100 proof hotness in cowboy boots. I would go out on a date with Carrot Top in public and under bright lights, so I’m not one to judge. While talking to her the other night, she brought up Gwen Stefani dating her Blakey and said something about how they’re such a cute couple. I said that they were about as real and organic as the Zinger I was eating, and she was quiet for a second before saying in a serious tone, “Blake wouldn’t do that.” DAMN! Those revolving chairs on The Voice are hypnotizing people! They got my mom! But well, according to a Page Six source (who isn’t at all a publicist from NBC), my mom is right and I am 100% wrong! Gwen and Blake’s love is practically notarized. It’s that real and that true.
My headline should’ve been: WARNING – Cover Your Keyboard With Saran Wrap Before Reading This Sadness. Because that headline probably made you cry gallons of sad tears onto your keyboard and now it’s about as dead as the meaning of everlasting love.
26-year-old Joe Jonas and 20-year-old model type Gigi Hadid have apparently broken up after a few months of being a thing. My condolences goes out to Joe Jonas’ manager for not being able to get Gigi Hadid to sign an extension in their short-term relationship contract. A source tells People that Joe and Gigi just couldn’t make it work, because she was too busy modeling and posting pictures on Instagram and he was too busy keeping keeping his gorgeous caterpillar brows fat and shiny by feeding them lettuce.
“Joe and Gigi’s relationship recently ended. Nothing serious happened … it wasn’t a dramatic break up. It was just hard to make it work with their schedules. They will definitely remain friends.”
Joe and Gigi started dating in the summer, but he wanted to date her much, much earlier. Joe was a teenage PedoBear (a PedoTeddy?), because he first asked Gigi “out” when she was 13 and he was 19.
We’re the ones who really got cheated here. I mean, Joe and Gigi were together for five whole months and we never got a fake rumor about how they made a sex tape where she takes a strap-on to his furry ass after paddling his nalgas. What a disappointment. We were counting on you, Joe!
But you know, we shouldn’t be so hard on him. He’s obviously drowning in an ocean of sads after breaking up with Gigi. On Halloween, Joe and his new band did a cover of Adele’s “Hello” and he warbled it out while dressed up as a terrifying clown. This whole cover of “Hello” makes me want to say “Goodbye.” Click play on the video below if you feel like letting your ears know that you hate them today. Those high notes. I bet that’s what he sounded like as he got spanked in the sex tape that never was.
And here’s Gigi and her brother going to Kendull Jenner’s birthday party the other night.
Justin Bieber’s Tantrum Tour through Europe took him to Spain where he walked out of a radio station interview because he didn’t like their questions and it also took him to Norway where he walked off the stage in a hissy fit after some fans kept touching his legs as he tried to clean up the wet oopsie he made (spilled water, my ass!). Well, before he left Europe, the Biebs delivered one last smug moment during a performance on the Spanish TV show El Hormiguero.
As cracked out peen puppets swayed on the side, the Biebs yodeled out an acoustic version of “What Do You Mean?” but stopped for a minute when his not-knowing fans kept clapping offbeat. Those fans are lucky they didn’t clap off key at a Taylor Swift concert, because she would’ve sued them all for ruining her song. But those rhythmically challenged peasants did get a lesson in clapping from Toddler Professor Bieber. It starts at around the 2:33 mark.
In the Biebs defense (I hate myself a whole lot more whenever I type that), the audience’s clapping skills were a mess and I did laugh at him getting all bitchy with his own damn fans. And I bet that after he left the stage, the sound of clapping grew louder because everyone repeatedly slapped themselves for being that little turd’s fan.
And here’s the clap master outside of Kendall Jenner’s birthday party in L.A. last night.