While some of us are sitting over here disgusted with Scarlett Johansson’s “Carol Brady if Carol Brady let Jan Brady give her a haircut” hair, she’s disgusted over the old story that she was one of several women who auditioned to be Tom Cruise’s girlfriend.
The tale that it’s older than John Travolta’s favorite possum wig is that after Tommy’s beard contract with Penelope Cruz expired, the head crazies at Scientology set out to find him a girlfriend who’d embrace the LSD-induced ramblings of L. Ron Hubbard, unlike stupid nonbelievers Nicole Kidman and Penelope, and become the Princess of Scientology. Scientology supposedly held an “audition” in 2004 that included ScarJo. An ex-employee of Scientology and Sea Org was on Megyn Kelly’s hour of Today yesterday and said he saw ScarJo’s name on a report about the Tommy girlfriend auditions. Megyn Kelly is exploding with happiness since her show, Ambien Presents The Boring Hour Of Who Cares Shit, finally got some attention, but ScarJo is pissed.
Still reeling from last night’s Westworld finale? Me too. And I’m sorry to shake you guys up more, but something else mind-bendingly, timeline-confusing has happened: future President Kim Kardashian is done with selfies. I would let out a gay gasp to end all gay gasps, but I used them all up this weekend at Pride.
Roseanne Barr tried to convince people that her racist tweet aimed at former Obama adviser Valerie Jarrett was the result of being hopped up on Ambien. Those that didn’t buy that excuse the first time now have another excuse to roll their eyes at. According to Roseanne, she wasn’t being racist: she was trying to shed a light on anti-semitism.
For about a month now, Justin Theroux and Emma Stone have been sucked into a rumor that their friendship is a lot friendlier than either of them will let on. E! News thinks they’ve gotten to the bottom of things, and they say the two are platonic.
Justin and Emma have been seen most recently in France for a work obligation related to their respective deals with Louis Vuitton. Once source says that they’re just hanging out as friends “and colleagues were with them during the day [on Monday].”
Justin has also been “spotted” with fellow face of LV, Laura Harrier. They might possibly be dating, but it’s not serious. Another source says that Justin is just casually dating.
“Justin is hanging out and having the time of his life. He’s casually dating, but it’s nothing more. He’s in a great place and very happy. He’s enjoying being social and meeting people from all walks of life. He is excited about doing new things and traveling. He’s looking forward to a great summer of fun and just seeing where it leads.”
The source adds that he’s “letting loose” for the first time in several years because he doesn’t have anyone else “to be responsible for or to report back to” and he’s “moved on” from Jennifer Aniston.
I hope the source was serious when they said Justin is being social with people from all walks of life. I know I would be delighted to trade in a week of “Justin spotted canoodling with Emma” to “Justin caught dry humping on a beach towel with Dame Judi Dench.”
Even though a stream of chunky fucked-up shit has spewed out of Roseanne Barr’s Twitter hole for years, ABC still brought her back to star in the revival of Roseanne, which turned out to be a big hit for them and got renewed for a second season. Roseanne Barr was back!!! All she really had to do was not say anything racist on Twitter, but she just couldn’t help herself, and ABC shit-canned Jabba the Trump’s second favorite comedy after Fox & Friends. Well, if the KKK wants to book Roseanne as headliner of their annual KKKomedy Festival, they’re going to have to go directly through her, because her talent agency has also announced that they’re done with her.
Taylor Swift And Katy Perry Made Up, But She’s Still Crying Over Getting “Bullied” By Kim Kartrashian And Kanye West
The stupid feud that started over a stolen back-up dancer (or John Mayer, or Taylor Swift telling Katy Perry she has cankles in front of the entire homeroom, or Katy Perry telling Taylor Swift her split ends are gross in front of the entire homeroom, or Taylor Swift stealing Katy Perry’s panties and freezing them at Becca Moyer’s slumber party) has finally come to an end. Katy Perry said publicly said before that she wants to be done with the junior high school cafeteria tussle with Taylor Swift. Taylor hasn’t said anything, but yesterday was the first night of her Reputation tour and she has empty seats to fill, so she posted an Instagram story of her opening up an olive branch from Katy. Are we sure that the olive branch wasn’t covered with laxative fumes that caused Taylor Swift to get the violent shits during her show? I mean, I did see some clips from her show in Glendale, AZ last night and she was dancing in a stiff “clenching my ass cheeks” sort of way. But then again, doesn’t she always?