Until the technology exists that will allow Cameron Diaz to shrink us all down Magic Schoolbus-style and shove us up her butt to get a good look at what a juice cleanse will do to your colon, we’re just going to have to get used to her telling us everything we never asked when it comes to her body. So grab a pencil, because we’re about to fill in another page of our I Didn’t Really Need To Know This notebooks.
I have no idea what kind of question even started this conversation, but at the premiere of her film The Other Woman, Cammy D told E! News that she has more in common with Shay-Lean Woodley than just talking about vaginas. According to Cameron Diaz, the last time she used antiperspirant, it was probably a stick of Teen Spirit (aka a long fucking time ago).
“I don’t believe in antiperspirant. It’s really bad for you. I haven’t used it for almost 20 years. You’re stinky, because you use antiperspirant. It keeps all the stink in.”
“Let it go and just trim your armpit hair so it doesn’t hold onto the scent.”
I love that Cameron Diaz stopped using antiperspirant 20 years ago because it’s “really bad for you”, but still smokes because “one cigarette every once in a while isn’t going to kill you”. That’s flawless logic. I wonder when she’s scheduled to guest lecture in a 4th year medical science class.
Here’s more of Cameron “Let The Stink Out” Diaz with Leslie Mann and Kate Upton promoting The Other Woman on GMA this morning. And now that I know what I know about Cameron Diaz’s pit situation, I feel really bad for that grey jacket she’s wearing (RIP buddy, see you at the crossroads).
Yesterday, model Emma Appleton tweeted a screenshot of a skeezy Facebook message that she claims came from the creeper who looks like he regularly hears the words, “Sir, jacking off on the women’s panties in the lingerie department will not be tolerated. Put your leaky dick away and please leave,” from a department store security guard. Emma alleged that he offered to shoot her for Vogue if she fucked him. Terry’s spokeswhore spit out a lukewarm stream of denials and accused Emma of faking it for attention. American Vogue also responded to that mess and in a vague statement, which they gave to The Wrap, they said that they haven’t hired Uncle Terry since 2010 and they’re not looking to work with him anytime soon.
“The last assignment Terry Richardson had for US Vogue appeared in the July 2010 issue and we have no plans to work with him in the future.”
Vogue is VAGUE. I’m not sure if Vogue is shading Uncle Terry or shading Emma or a little of both. In that Facebook message, Uncle Terry doesn’t specify which Vogue, so it could be Vogue Neverland or Vogue North Korea for all we know. But I wouldn’t put it past American Vogue. I mean, they put two dried cum stains stuck to a pair of dirty chonies on the cover, so Anna Wintour is devoid of shame.
Illustration: AleXsandro Palombo
Because Oprah threatened to feed Lindsay Lohan to her hair if that mess doesn’t go out there on the ho stroll and bring up the ratings, she was on Watch What Happens Live last night to sell the final episode of the reality shit show that will prove to producers and directors that she’s a reliable, responsible and easy to work with individual who’s not at all a cold sore stuck to everyone’s urethra. During her talk with the shifty, giggling Siamese cat Andy Cohen, LiLo said that she hardly ever drops her chest wontons into a bra, because she doesn’t like bras and she claimed that she wasn’t “partying” at Coochella. While playing Plead The Fifth, Andy brought up that list of all the famous hot pieces she’s supposedly rubbed her roast beef and cheddar slider on. Justin Timberlake, Ashton Kutcher, Joaquin Phoenix, James Franco, Zac Efron and Orlando Bloom were all on the list. InTouch, who published the list, said that LiLo made the list on a Scattergories sheet while getting drunk with her friends at a hotel bar. But last night, the embalmed freckled crack gremlin told Andy that she made the list in rehab at Betty Ford.
“That was actually my fifth step in AA at Betty Ford. And someone, when I was moving during the OWN show, must’ve taken a photo of it and so that’s a personal thing. It’s really unfortunate. I talk about this on the last episode of the OWN show, so to be continued…”
I didn’t know there was an AA step that states that you must write a list of all the famous dick you’ve taken a ride on (or a step that states that you must write a list of all the famous dick you WISH you’ve taken a ride on). According to AA.org, the fifth step is:
Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Oh, now it makes sense! LiLo made a list of all the dudes she’s sorry she gave gonorrhea to.
The warped Grinch figurine also pulled everyone’s dick (yes, we’ve all got gonorrhea now and we’ll be on the next list) when she defended White Oprah. LiLo says that she’s the one who drags White Oprah to clubs as a “security blanket” and then told the funniest joke of all-time when she said that White Oprah doesn’t drink. I think LiLo cut herself off too soon. What she meant to say was, “My mother doesn’t drink…..anything that doesn’t come in a bottle with ’100 proof’ written on it.”
Here’s LiLo talking about the list she probably leaked herself, because she needed something to cry about for the last episode of her shit show.
The last time we checked in with The Fanged One, she was explaining that in order to avoid an all-expenses paid trip to Divorce Court, a woman needs to put on her frilliest pink party dress and find a guy who moonlights at Medieval Times as a knight or something (that’s pretty much all my brain was able to process from that interview before throwing up its hands and saying “Fuck this, I’m out”). And now Kirsten Dunst is back with more KD Brain Farts, this time regarding casting couches, and particularly how if you end up on one, it’s because you were probably a slut to begin with. Why do I get the feeling that I’ll be using this gif of Donna Meagle very soon?
In an interview with Sofia Coppola for W Magazine, Kirsten was asked if she ever felt pressured by creepy directors to suck or fuck her way to a better role, a sleazy practice that is almost as common in Hollywood as nose jobs and Tom Cruise wife auditions.
“No [laughs]. I don’t give off that vibe. I think that you court that stuff, and to me it’s crossing a boundary that would hinder the trust in your working relationship.”
So, let me get this straight – basically she’s saying is that if you find yourself in a casting couch situation, it’s because you were asking for it? Oh, I’ll take that Donna Meagle gif right about now. This one too. Look, I don’t want to lobby accusations of being not-smart at people I don’t know personally (“Bitch please” – my brain), but Kirsten is veering off the road of not-smart into the oncoming traffic of fucking stupid. You don’t have to put out a “vibe” to get asked to take a seat on the casting couch. Hell, Gwyneth Paltrow received an invitation to the casting couch, and the only “vibe” she puts out is an uncomfortable icy chill. And is she trying to suggest that she books jobs based on talent? Oh, please have several seats.
Here’s more of Kirsten in W, and maybe she doesn’t give off “that vibe”, but thanks to photographer Juergen Teller, she’s giving off some do-not-want Crime Scene Barbie vibes in that first photo.
HAHAHAHA! Good one, Tori Spelling. I almost believed you, until I heard the familiar sound of the CelebraTori Money Counting Machine in the background.
Immediately after the release of the trailer for True Tori, Tori and Dean “The Deaner” McDermott’s reality shit-show about their crumbling marriage, anyone with at least half a working brain cell (that rules out The Deaner) knew that it was nothing more than a flimsy excuse to #getmoneybitch. Except that according to People, that’s just not true! Tori isn’t doing it for the cash (are you sure you spoke to the right Tori?) but as a way to punish the Deaner for being a useless skank-humping shitbag:
“The decision to do this show is not coming from someone who is in a solid, good place. Tori is very, very upset and angry,” a longtime friend of Spelling’s says. “It’s just too raw and personal. There’s too much pain and it’s too private.”
Adds the source: “A part of her wants to completely humiliate him and make him suffer in front of millions of people. She wants to have some sort of justice. She wants him to truly feel the pain of what he did to her.”
And because the only thing the Deaner loves more than that sweet, sweet out-of-state pussy is money, he’s taking all the shit Tori is piling on him with a half-smile and a squinty-eyed single tear trickling down his face, even going so far as to tell Tori: “My life means nothing if you’re not in it.” Really? The Deaner said that? I don’t believe it. I think what the Deaner meant to say was this:
“Tori, I need to know…what’s crappenin’ with us? What’s crappenin’ with our marriage? I went to rehab like you asked me to, and I barely fucked any strange while I was there (and I almost always pulled out!). I swear on Candi Spelling’s bank account that I’m committed to our marriage. What do you say, Tori…will you keep it sleazy with me? ” …at which point I start pretending to cry. What do you think, Hooters girls? Sounds good, right? Awesome! The Deaner is back in business! Now who’s ready to let me eat chicken wings off their tits?? Shasta, I’m looking in your direction!”
Pic: Flame Flynet
Humanized Miracle Whip and Wonder Bread sandwich Miley Cyrus was hospitalized (for drugs) in Kansas City (where she bought drugs) after she had a severe allergic reaction (to drugs) to some antibiotics (and by antibiotics I mean drugs) today. Miley’s show in Kansas City was canceled, so thousands of chirrun have the sads, because they didn’t get to see Miley crotch hump a giant hot dog and they didn’t get to drink up the yeast water that she squirts out of her mouth and onto their faces. Miley also canceled her show in Charlotte, NC over a week ago, because she had the flu (drugs). Miley tweeted a little sorry note along with a picture of her holding the weirdest butt plug I’ve ever seen (where can I get one?):
I guess “severe allergic reaction” is the new “exhaustion.”
When you eat a whole pot brownie and visions of Billy Ray’s raccoon mullet dance around you and it feels like your skin is going to rip off of your body and crawl away, there’s no need to take your ass to the hospital. Just eat some nachos and enjoy the ride. (FYI: Seeing visions of Billy Ray’s raccoon mullet and feeling like your skin is going to rip off of your body are also the symptoms you get when you watch a Miley performance.)
But you know, Miley wouldn’t need to take antibiotics if she scraped the toxic smegma off of her tongue and stopped eating the snatch crust on panties that her fans throw onstage. Putting a stranger’s panty crust in your mouth will put you in the hospital. And since she’s in there, shut the doors, lock ‘em and quarantine her ass!
Usually when Gwyneth Paltrow has to plan a birthday party for one of her children, she’d simply remember back to the birthday parties she had as a child (she had a Sweet pre-16 party every year till she turned 16, at which point, she then had a coronation) and go from there. But Gwyneth is a struggling single mother now, and according to Us Weekly, on Saturday she was forced to throw her son Moses a basic 8th birthday party in (shudder) the backyard with (super-shudder) hot dogs:
“Everything took place in the backyard,” the insider tells Us, adding that the set-up of the driveway included blue ombre-faded balloons spelling out the letters “M-O-S-E-S” beside the number “8.” The guest list included 20 of Moses’ friends and a few of 9-year-old Apple’s pals, too.
For lunch, the kids and adults enjoyed delightful treats catered by food trucks, including gourmet hotdog vendor Dogtown Dogs and L.A.’s beloved “chow truck” India Jones. Specialties included hot dogs topped with Fritos and Indian street food like samosas, curry and Indian tacos, the source says.
Then after all the guests left, Gwyneth locked herself in the bathroom, where she spent the next 24-hours dry-heaving every time she remembered that time a Frito touched her son’s lips and wailing “I AM SUCH AN UNFORTUNATE SINGLE MOTHER!!!”
I know Gwyneth is trying to make down-to-earth Single Mom Gwyneth happen and wants us to believe that she had a backyard birthday party with hot dogs and balloons, but I’m calling organic cashmere bullshit. Let me pull out my crystal ball and tell you what really happened in the backyard of Castle Goopskull on Saturday. It began with parents dragging their kids up the driveway as they assured them “It’s only 2 hours, you’ll be fine”, followed by a couple party games like Musical Imported Chairs and Wash Your Hands, then everyone singing “Happy Birthday” in French before Moses blew out the candles on his glass of cold-pressed kale juice. Then the children were given a gift bag containing a Restorsea hand cream and a Tracy Anderson Method DVD and told to GTFO.
Kate Upton saying, “I wish I had smaller tits,” is Kate Upton’s way of saying, “I wish I wasn’t famous and a millionaire.”
Kate Upton has a pair of magnificent chichis that look like two fat angels taking a long nap on pillows made of clouds and they’re a HUGE part of why she has millions of dollars, two Sports Illustrated covers, a Vogue cover and they’re the reason why the bed sheets of many teen boys are crusty and can stand up on their own. But Kate tells The Sun on Sunday (via Page Six) that she wishes her all-natural, organic titty bags were attached to her body by velcro so she could rip them off and put on a pair of Keira Knightley-sized tits every now and again. Yes, magnificent chichis are good for all sorts of things like cracking open watermelons and holding all your necessities (examples: iPhone, lipstick, stash of weed and lube) when you don’t want to carry a purse, but Kate says that she wishes the tits that shoot out hundred dollar bills were smaller.
“I wish I had smaller boobs every day of my life as I love to wear spaghetti tops braless or go for the smallest bikini designs. Every single day, I’m like, ‘Oh, man, it would be so much easier,’ especially if people didn’t constantly bring them up. But the grass is always greener, as they say! If I could just take them off like they were clip-ons.”
The most surprising part of all of this is that the person who interviewed Kate was able to write the words that came out of her mouth while not looking at their notepad because their eyes were glued to her huge, money-making chichis the entire time.
Please open to page 345 in your Jared Leto Is Like So Whatever textbooks and take down the following notes on being totally cool, f’real chill, and [shrugs shoulders apathetically]. According to E! Online, The Dirtbag Jesus of Brooklyn was asked by Four Two Nine magazine if he and his brother, Shannon Leto (aka the Hot Topic version of Chaz Dean) would be verse to people defining them as ‘queer’, not in a sexual way but a cultural way:
Shannon: “I wouldn’t care.”
Brooklyn Dirtbag Jesus: ”I don’t think we’d care at all. We certainly identify with people who are different.”
At which point, people who are different came forward to admit that they’re still having trouble identifying with a rich, handsome 42-year-old Academy Award-winning actor who gets invited to Paris fashion shows and hangs out with Uncle Terry. And don’t tell Beyoncé that Jared is trying to own ‘queer’, because she’ll be super disappointed she didn’t discover it first.
Here’s more of His Royal Queerness proving just how relatable he is at Coachella by looking like if the Son of God was a runway model for a hipster Magnum P.I. fashion house:
Amanda Bynes’ ”crazy era” wigs have been put down and cremated, she’s stopped asking Drake to draw a chalk outline around her snatch and the driveways of Thousands Oaks are safe again. Amanda is doing better and is taking classes at a fashion school in Orange County. Because Amanda wanted to kill a few rumors out there, her lawyer and her mother talked to the media about how she’s doing. The lawyer said that Amanda wanted everyone to know that she’s not schizophrenic (the voices in her head told her so!), she’s not taking any meds and she’s been weed-free for nine months. The lawyer went on to say some shit about how she’s never had a problem with booze or drugs. Amanda’s mom, Lynn Bynes, piped in and tells E! that Amanda doesn’t have any kind of mental illness and that evil, dark-sided Satanic pube bush known as marijuana is the sole reason for why Amanda went crazy.
“Amanda has no mental illness whatsoever,” Lynn Bynes tells E! News. “She has never been diagnosed as schizophrenic or bipolar.”
Lynn says that Amanda’s history of unusual behavior, which includes a 2012 DUI, allegedly throwing a bong out of a NYC building and lots of bizarre social media postings, was all caused by smoking pot. Lynn adds that Amanda “is very sorry for all the hurtful tweets, statements and actions that occurred while she was under the influence of marijuana.”
I’ve heard that weed can take a person with a mental illness to the dark side, but just weed alone?! Was the shit Amanda smoked laced with gamma radiation, because damn. I’ve been stoned to the point where I thought Parasite Hilton looked pretty (I know, I should’ve quit right then and there) and I would never put one of those wigs on my head. I’ve been stoned to the point where a Ke$ha song sounded good to my ears and I would never toss a bong out of a window. A stoner throwing a bong out of a window is like a mom throwing her baby out of a window. You don’t do that shit.
But whatever, the only thing that matters is that Amanda is doing okay and she’s done with putting those shredded plastic wigs on her head.