Tom Daley and Dustin Lance Black have both kept their mouth lips shut about whether or not they’re boning each other, but Tom did talk about his new boyfriend on an episode of Jonathan Ross Show (via E!) airing in the UK on Saturday. I thank the fuck that I was too lazy at 19 to keep a journal, because the shit that I wrote would’ve been a million times cheesier than the words that spilled out of this hairless muscle otter’s mouth while talking about meeting his new love. Tom said that when he first saw his future piece at a party, he didn’t know he was gay and immediately started squirting out hearts from his eyes.
“I’d never felt like anything like it before. We were at a party and I hadn’t even spoken to him all night. I didn’t know what to do or if he was gay at first. I typed ‘call me’ in his notes with a smiley face on this phone and the next day he texted. He makes me feel safe and happy. Right now I couldn’t be happier. I’d never felt the feeling of love. It happened so quickly. I was completely overwhelmed by it to the point I can’t get him out of my head all the time. I’ve never had it before where I love someone and they love me just as much.”
Oh, 19. Or if your name is Taylor Swift, oh, every age. Speaking of Taylor Swift, she just ripped a page out of the Poochie notebook she writes her lyrics in, because what Tom said there is exactly what she wrote down as the lyrics to her next song. Even that part about not knowing if he was gay at first, because even Taylor Swift knows she’s a closet gay magnet.
Tom went on to say that when he goes to the labels section at Staples and browses through all the “Hello, I Am Gay,” “Hello, I Am Straight” and “Hello, I Am Bi” labels, he doesn’t pick up any of them, because he doesn’t believe in labels! But he does believe in love and he said more vommy words of love about his man.
“He saved me from not wanting to dive anymore. After the Olympics I was down in the dumps, as it’s such a hard way to get back into everything, but he gave me the extra motivation and made me work harder and that is exactly what I need. It was a terrifying decision to make, I didn’t know what the reaction was going to be like, I didn’t know how it was going to go but I felt I needed to say something. I wanted to say something in my own words and from the heart, I didn’t know what else to do.”
Tom Daley was totally over diving until Dustin Lance Black put the champion spirit back in his heart by spreading those ass cheeks and calling him the greatest diver who ever lived as he dove his peen into that b-hole. (Yes, I just called Tom Daley a top again. What is going on with me?!) Some people have serious thoughts about this. They think that because DLB is 39 and Tom is 19, DLB is nothing but a chickenhawk in Justin Bieber 2010 hair who is going to toss Tom Daley into a pile of de-creamed twinks as soon as that kid grows his second pube. I say second because the first one could be a one-off. And those same people are scared that DLB is going to suck out Tom’s innocence. Whatever. I mean, isn’t doing older dudes at 19 all part of life? Who at 19 didn’t troll hotel bars looking for older men to take you up to their room and let you pick out any booze of bottle you wanted from the minibar? Anybody? Anybody? Oh shit, just me then.
Here’s Tom going to dinner with his friends in London last night.
Based on that picture, you’re probably asking yourself, “The mash-up of Catherine Zeta-Jones circa 1997 and Keira Knightley is the new Wonder Woman?” And you’re also probably telling yourself, “The new Wonder Woman is really graceful at pissing.”
Warner Bros. and director Zack Snyder announced today that a gal named GAL will play Wonder Woman in the Batman V. Superman movie. 28-year-old Gal Gadot is an Israeli actress/model type who was Miss Israel 2004 and played Gisele in the Fast & Furious movies. The Hollywood Reporter says that Gal beat out Olga Kurylenko and Elodie Young. Zack Snyder said this shit about the new Wonder Woman:
“Wonder Woman is arguably one of the most powerful female characters of all time and a fan favorite in the DC Universe. Not only is Gal an amazing actress, but she also has that magical quality that makes her perfect for the role. We look forward to audiences discovering Gal in the first feature film incarnation of this beloved character.”
Batman V. Superman (aka the Justice League movie that’s pretending it’s not a Justice League movie) will also star Henry Cavill as Superman, Ben Affleck as Batman, Amy Adams as Lois Lane, Diane Lane and Laurence Fishburne.
I’m going to go ahead and guess that Lynda Carter, Cathy Lee Crosby, Chyna, the ghost of Tandi Iman Dupree, this hot bitch, Chicken Cutlets and Bruce Jenner (he does have the chichis for it) all repeatedly turned down the role of Wonder Woman, because they know that movie is going to be a disastrous wreck and they don’t want to spend their work days getting their tits eye fondled by Ben Affleck.
And somebody get this Gal Gadot chick a copy of Joe ManJello’s fitness book and feed her an entire Wonder Bread factory, because homegirl needs to put some muscles on her bones if she’s going to play the Amazonian goddess warrior. But maybe they’re going for a greener Wonder Woman. Gal Gadot doesn’t need to travel in some gas-guzzling invisible plane, because the wind can carry her anywhere she needs to go since she probably weighs about as much as a cloud queef. She’s reducing Wonder Woman’s carbon footprint!
HuffPo says that after the night covers Rome and most of the Catholic priests head down to the disco under the Vatican to snort blessed coke off of a go-go boy’s soft dick, Pope Francis put on “ole’ regular priest” drag and sneaks out to help the homeless. Note to Justin Bieber and all the other celebrity fuck-ups, you need to get with Pope Francis’ PR team, because those bitches are good.
Archbishop Konrad Krajewski (aka the Almoner of His Holiness) recently told reporters that Pope Francis always wants to go with him when he goes out into the city at night to hang with homeless people. Archbishop Konrad let out a subtle smile when reporters asked him if Pope Francis has ever gone out with him. A source tells HuffPo that Pope Francis does go out at night to mingle with the homeless:
“Swiss guards confirmed that the pope has ventured out at night, dressed as a regular priest, to meet with homeless men and women.”
Pope Eggs Benedict just clutched his gold Lacroix crucifix and screamed out, “Heiligen Gott,” (Google Translate tells me that’s German for “¡Santo Dios!“), because the thought of him taking off his precious red leather Prada knock-off loafers to do himself up as a normal priest is making him want to fall back into the arms of his lead supervisor (aka Jesus) and weep at the thought of that dreadfulness.
So Pope Francis has tweeted against consumerism, doesn’t have any household staff, he supposedly said that do-gooder atheists go to heaven, he wrote that the church is “obsessed” with gay marriage and abortion, he used to be a club bouncer and now we learn that he de-Popes his look to eat bread with the homeless without creating a scene. What is going on here?! Pope Fran Fran better stop being so cool before the
fangirls fanabuelitas turn on him. They’re all asking themselves, “Harpo, who dis Pope?”
“Who fucking isn’t?” – everybody on the damn planet.
I’m taking this one with a grain of salt, mostly because I’m still feeling the lasting effects of celebrating Moody Bitch Monday with the left side of the Taco Bell menu and without pants. If you want to know what a lost weekend with Pete Doherty or K-Y Warming Jelly on crack would feel like, drop some Fire sauce on your crotch.
Radar says Zooey Deschanel’s sweet hipster princess act is bullshit and that she’s been pissing off everyone on the set of New Girl.
“Although the show has other bosses, including creator Liz Meriwether and producer Katherine Pope, Zooey rules the roost,” the source dishes. “And she gets moody and starts making rules on the set which is upsetting a lot of the cast and crew members.
“The show’s schedule really drives Zooey up a wall, because they’re always running behind when the full cast is on set.
“So now, Zooey insists on days ending with scenes that just feature her and one other actor. When that can’t happen due to the production schedule, however, she’s unhappy and all hell breaks loose,” says the source.
What kind of rules are we talking about here?
- Polish Zooey’s glasses for 5 full minutes between shots even though there are no lenses in them.
- All employees must refer to Ms. Deschanel as “quirky” or “adorkable”.
- When Zooey inexplicably breaks into song and dance, everyone must stop what they are doing and supply jazz hands.
- There will be no less than 17 pairs of tights available to Zooey at any given moment.
Nobody should be forced to work in such conditions! Steve from the vegan catering truck should feel like he can go to HR to complain about the dress code stating all employees wearing shorts must have a waistband no less than three inches from their nipples without fear of forever being bitchfaced through the veil of Zooey’s bangs while she strums a ukelele.
Well, I guess you throw that whole “working on mah marriage” thing in the trash when a billionaire starts cumming solid gold coins on your chichis. Just five weeks after Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom announced that they were done doing each other for now, Woman’s Day magazine (via SMH) says that she’s spinning on the diamond-encrusted platinum peen of Shrek-looking ass gambling tycoon James Packer, who is worth around $7 billion.
James is also going through some divorce shit with his wife of 6 years and the mother of his three kids. James and his wife Erica broke up barely three months ago. A source says that James and Miranda have only started dating recently, but they’ve known each other for a while and their families have gone on vacations together. Miranda, Orlando and their kid Flynn spent some time in Tahiti with the Packers last year. James Packer’s spokeswhore wouldn’t say shit about this.
James Packer is somewhat of a star fucker and he became a Scientologist after he got friendly with Tommy Girl. He quit Scientology in 2005 after his dad died.
Miranda Kerr’s checking account is filled to the top with millions of dollars, but why fly first class to some island for vacation when you can fly on your private drone to a private island your billionaire boyfriend bought your ass? Yes, Orlando Bloom’s face is so pretty that you just want to sit on it, but James Packer’s face becomes sort of pretty when you picture it as a giant, gold, sparkly dollar sign. Blow a goodbye air kiss at Orlando’s pretty face and climb that ladder, you shameless bitch.
Here’s Miranda, Orlando and their kid in NYC a few nights ago.
While the rest of us are still recovering from a weekend of gluttony and being painfully reminded of what giant disappointments we are to our parents, Radar says Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott packed up their collective five kids and a nanny last Wednesday, escaping the hard knock life of doing my two favorite things, jack and shit, to the tune of a $10,000 getaway to the St. Regis Monarch Bay Resort in Dana Point, CA.
The group booked three rooms at more than $500 each for the four-day holiday weekend–and had no problem handling other hotel expenses, such as a $35 per day parking fee and Thanksgiving buffet costing $115 per adult and $35 per child. Tori spent even more for the other meals and activities!
Someone needs to sit Tori down with a Power Point presentation heavy on the visual aids, a pop up book with small words or flash cards- SOMETHING to get her to understand what it truly means to be a broke bitch if she’s going to complain about being one.
Broke bitches don’t take swanky vacations to upscale resorts, they stay at the HoJo’s in the next town over. They don’t spend $115 per person on Thanksgiving buffets, they buy Hungry Man turkey dinners in August on special and eat three of them while watching Clarissa Explains It All reruns in their underwear. They don’t have a nanny to watch their kids, they barricade the bathroom door and cry while seriously contemplating the upsides of Safe Haven laws.
Tori needs to let go of the lavish lifestyle to which she’s become accustomed and embrace the joys of using a gas card for groceries like the rest of us!
In a new documentary about Manchester United’s Class of ’92, David Beckham admits that when he joined the team at the age of 16, his teammates hazed him by making him jack off on a picture of a former playing while they all jeered at his ass. Becks says that the picture he squirted his dick sauce on was a picture of Manchester United legend Clayton Blackmore who looked like this:
I’ll wait here while you do yourself to that picture, because I know those curly bangs, that stache and those overgrown eyebrows (I think they’re growing onto his eyelids) are doing things to you and making your body self-lubricate itself.
According to Metro, Becks describes his hazing ritual like this (Tip: Don’t read it in his Minnie Mouse voice unless you want to make your nipples deflate):
“Everyone had an initiation that you had to go through on the youth team, that was one of the most uncomfortable ones! The fact that I had to look at Clayton Blackmore’s calendar and do certain things, while looking at Clayton Blackmore… I mean it was embarrassing to talk about! I was embarrassed when I was saying it on camera let alone talking about it more. But it’s something that we all had to go through. It was definitely something I wouldn’t like to go through again!”
Finally, after all these years, Posh Beckham now knows why Becks always wants to tape an 8X10 glossy of Clayton Blackmore onto her face before they do sex.
When it comes to fucked-up hazing rituals, this one is pretty tame. I mean, who hasn’t fapped on a picture in front of a bunch of dudes?Kanye does that all the time (except the picture is of himself). But you know, I’ve had this dream before, except Becks was a lot older and a picture of Clayton Blackmore was replaced with Cristiano Ronaldo’s greasy charbroiled ass cheeks.
And I don’t know why Becks is acting all embarrassed about this shit. It’s not like that was the only time he ever squeezed his peen on a picture. He used to hang around Tom Cruise a lot and was “flirting” with Scientology. Jacking it on a picture of L. Ron Hubbard is a Scientologist’s version of praying.
Goopy Paltrow came out of Blythe Danner, so what’s a Blythe Danner to do? She can either defend her daughter against the peasant haters until the end or she can ensure that her daughter will never talk to her again by stocking her cupboards with canned cheese. Blythe is choosing to defend Goopy, because say what you want about her pretentious ass, she makes a delicious white truffle, dolphin meat and gold dough pizza. So at the opening of the Off-Broadway play The Commons of Pensacola, Mama GOOP looked down and spit on all the jealous, bored bitches who constantly use their keyboards as a bow to shoot out cunty words about her perfect, amazing daughter. Blythe said this when Naughty But Nice Rob asked for her thoughts on her daughter’s haters:
“I admire her so much. It (the criticism) doesn’t faze her. I think it probably did initially. She said, ‘Mom, I’m going to get this all my life. This is how they see me.’ I feel she’s just extraordinarily accomplished in every area and people don’t like that, some people don’t like that, people who are bored and sit on their asses all day and just tap away. I mean I don’t read any of it, I just find it so disgusting. There is a coarsening of our culture today that is just so tragic.”
Blythe made two good points. Yes, I’m jealous of Goopy, because I too wish that diarrhea was always flowing out of my mouth since it can’t exit through my ass due to the giant stick plugged up in there. (I set myself up for that one, I know.) And Blythe is also right about the coarsening of our world. I mean, Goopy will tell you that the other day she saw a jar of Prego at Bristol Farms. Can you believe that? Prego isn’t even made in Italy! I think it’s made in Camden, New Jersey! Tragic! Disgusting! What is happening to our culture?
resemble resent Blythe’s statement. I’ll have her know that yes, I’m bored and yes, I’m tapping out words of hate about Goopy, but I’m doing it while lying down, not sitting down. Get it right, Blythe!
Here’s Blythe with SJP (her co-star in that play) and Amanda Peet (the writer of that play) at the opening of The Commons of Pensacola the other night.
The Daily Telegraph says that the man who used to brush Duchess Kate’s hair a thousand times with a sterling silver brush every night and condition her locks with the sperm of William the Conquerer that’s kept in a jar in the dungeon has been fired for treason! James Pryce did Duchess Kate’s mane on her wedding day and he also traveled with her during her tour through North America. When James Pryce started to get attention for handling Kate’s hair, he left the Richard Ward salon and went on his own. James Pryce thought he was going to be the Chaz Dean of Britain (yes, I just admitted to staring at Chaz Dean’s gorgeous lion face on QVC), but bitch got a heavy blast of royal reality to the face when he was dropped by Duchess Kate for tweeting and Facebooking about her. Some source said:
“When he went solo and tried to tour around the USA – he launched a Facebook page and Twitter account which featured hundreds of pictures of Kate and her various hairstyles to promote his business – obviously, that did not go down too well with the Palace at all. Richard Ward still cuts Kate’s hair and she has her colour done at the salon.”
James should’ve known that he is nothing but a peasant and should never ever throw up a picture of a royal on his Facebook page without asking. Posting a picture of a royal without their permission is only okay if you’re THE QUEEN and the picture is of a drunk Duchess Kate passed out on the couch with the words “MY BITCH” written on her forehead with black eyeliner. Posting a picture of a royal without their permission is also okay if the picture is of a naked Prince Hot Ginge and the wall you’re posting it on is my wall.
We all know the real reason James was fired was because he let Duchess Kate go outside with grey hairs! THE QUEEN did not stand for that and demoted James to the position of Camilla’s private hairstylist and he’ll have to cut her pube bush into the shape of Prince Charles’ profile for the rest of his career! That will teach him.
If this was a game of charades, I’d guess that Kanye Kardashian is a dimming sparkle in the middle of a doody bubble (aka Kanye in Kanye’s word). Or maybe he’s the lone, trapped, scared and dying brain cell in Kim’s empty Spanx-covered brain? Or maybe he’s a douche-filled cream puff. I can play this game all through Skanksgiving.
Kanye and Kim Kartrashian gave an interview via satellite from their own asses to Hot 97 (via UsWeekly) yesterday and it was your regular old Kanye interview and by that I mean ridiculous shit spilled out of his mouth hole. Kanye called Kim the most beautiful woman in human existence (it’s not known if he’s talking about Kim with her original face, her second face or her third face) and he compared their love to Romeo & Juliet’s love. (Did Kanye just spoil the ending to his and Kim’s “love story”?) Kanye squirted out this laughing fluid about his trophy:
“Okay, ladies and gentlemen. All barber shops, fashion designers, architects, corner stores, Wall Street, all over the world: Y’all acting like this ain’t the most beautiful woman of all time! I’m talkin’, like, arguably of human existence — the top 10 of human existence. I don’t give a fuck what type of jacket she’s got on!
Our love story’s a love story for the ages. I felt like when we first got together, it was like a Romeo and Juliet kind of thing, where it’s like, she’s a reality star and I’m a rapper, and people talk about how our brands connect and what doesn’t fit. And I’m just so tired of the conversation of brands.”
Immanot let you finish, but Shauna Sand is the most beautiful woman of all time!
The ridiculous shit nuggets of verbal fuckery that come out of Kanye’s mouth really don’t have an affect on me anymore. He’s like that spoiled, delusional brat ass 6-year-old whose parents never told him to shut up and who hasn’t yet learned the adult art of keeping your crazy thoughts to yourself sometimes. You just want to smirk and hand him a juice box along with a mayonnaise sandwich.
And in a different interview, Kanye pretty much called the Kardashians the Rosa Parks of interracial relationships:
“A lot of what the Kardshians do, I don’t think they get enough credit for what they do. They prep America to accept interracial relationships. I’m not talking about me, I can hope on a plane. I can date a white woman, I can date a black woman, and no matter what they say in the barber shop don’t matter, because I don’t get my haircut there. For the people that do, though, there’s a white woman that’s getting talked down to by her friends because she’s dating a black guy. Now you’ve got a point of reference, that you can say, ‘Well, actually this couple right here, that’s dope.’”
I know Kanye West has always said some shit that doesn’t really make sense, but ever since he got some of that Kardashidrug in him, he’s really dove down into new levels of delusional. Pimp Mama Kris somehow found a way to inject even more delusion into his head. I think this means that PMK is the true supreme and that’s not a good thing. Call Fiona Goode! Call Marie Laveau!
And here’s Kanye wearing a coat made from Kim’s waxed-off anus fur while going shopping with her in NYC last night.