While all of our brains shit out a question mark as we look at Renee Zellweger’s chopped, screwed and pulled face, Julia Roberts is letting you know that she’s never had her mug pulled and she might be making a bad career move by not getting a facelift. To which I say:
During an interview with You Magazine (via UsWeekly) about Lancome, Julia said that as a 47-year-old Hollywood actress, she should probably get her face cut off and pulled up to the top of her skull, but she’d rather age the way a normal person is supposed to age. Nicole Kidman and Meg Ryan would throw that bitch a “cállate la boca, trick” side-eye, but they can’t, because their side-eye-throwing muscles were Botoxed to death.
“By Hollywood standards, I guess I’ve already taken a big risk in not having had a face-lift. I’ve told Lancome that I want to be an aging model. They have to keep me for at least five more years until I’m over 50.”
Julia went on to say that she studies yoga “on a more conscious level” (I didn’t know GOOPY possessed Julia’s body), which helps keeps stress marks from growing on her face.
“It’s about non-grasping, non-hoarding, cleaning out your closet, dusting out your mind and letting go of the things that weigh you down mentally and emotionally. There’s a lightness to my life now – an airy quality of not taking things too seriously. That’s happiness.”
So the key to Julia’s youthful glow is a heaping dash of self-righteousness, Photoshop, Botox (that forehead vein don’t lie), Photoshop, the happiness she feels when she wears that vintage A Low Vera t-shirt while cackling at the woman whose husband she had an affair with, Photoshop and more Photoshop. Did I already say Photoshop?
And here’s all-natural Julia dressed like a Cache district manager at the 10th Annual GLSEN Respect Awards in Beverly Hills on October 17th.
Don’t worry guys, she means the family fashion business. I know, I got nervous for a second there too.
Even though North West is barely 16 months old, it sounds like Kim Kardashian has already started planning out how she will click-clack make that money. Kim has stated in the past that she expects North to work like she had to growing up (cut to teenage Kim fishing quarters out of the fountain at the Beverly Center and dropping them into a jar marked “KIMBERLY’S BUTT FUND”), but recently she told ITN (via The Daily Mail) that she hopes that North will follow in her footsteps and become a fashion designer. This just in: Kim thinks her job is ‘fashion designer’. When asked if she’d ever consider letting her favorite fashion accessory design some hooker-looking clothes for TRASH by Kim Kardashian (or whatever the hell it’s called), Kim answered:
“I would if she has good style, she’d have to prove herself. She’d have to show me that she wants to work, but that would be in years and years and years. So we have some time. I hope the collection grows until then and maybe one day she can take over.”
I know Kim hopes her klothing kollekshun grows into a too-tight cheap n’ tacky empire by the time North is old enough to start working, but North is no dummy (I’ve seen that “Hooker, PLEASE” look on her face every time she’s photographed with her mother). I’m sure North is hoping that years and years from now, there will be a worldwide drought of cheap polyester and her mom’s klothing line will go out of business. Then she can go into the other family business: mass-producing next-level glamour with Grampa Bruce.
Here’s North’s mom (looking like a cross between The Incredible Mr. Limpet and a Real Doll) and North’s dad on their way to a tech conference in San Francisco yesterday. Yes, someone hired The Human Butt to speak at a tech conference. I guess the Dancing Baby had a previous commitment.
After Joaquin Phoenix dropped a fart on Marvel’s offer for the title role in the Doctor Strange movie, every single person on Earth with a peen was “in talks” to play the lead. Every trick from Ethan Hawke to the Texas T-Rex to Jared Leto to Oscar Isaac to Jake Gylleenhaal to the dude who works the weekend day shift at my weed shop and always calls me “Mikey” was in talks for Doctor Strange. Well, Marvel can finally stop spending all of its time being “in talks” with every man who exists, because Deadline and The Wrap both say that the alien amphibian who makes Tumblr’s clit throb will sign on as soon as his lizard trainer teaches him how to sign his signature with a pen like a human.
The Wrap says that Bendadick Cumsinbatches almost didn’t get the part, because of scheduling conflicts, but they’ve worked it all out and an announcement will be made as soon as the deal is finalized. Scott Derrickson is directing and shooting will start early next year. It’s expected to come out in July 2016.
I know more about proper grammar than I do about Doctor Strange, so that should tell you how much I know about Doctor Strange. But judging by Doctor Strange’s fabulous wizard costume, I’m going to call it now and say that the movie is going to make at least 20 billion dollars. Because B. Cum’s crazed Cumberbitches will pay anything to see their cream-inducing god in tights. Movie theaters should start stocking up on rubber gloves and paint scrapers, because they’re going to have to chisel off a lot of dried coochie cream from the seats every night.
Because George and Amal Clooney are the first people who have ever gotten married and they want their never-ending wedding extravaganza celebrations to last longer than their marriage, there was another goddamn party for them in England last night. The catering industry and makers of rental tables hope this marriage lasts as long as possible, because these two are the types who will renew their vows every single month at a vow renewal party hosted by Hello! Magazine.
People says that this latest wedding party was hosted by Amal’s mom and dad and was mainly held for her family and friends who couldn’t make it to Venice. 200 friends and family, some of which traveled thousands of miles to be there, partied at Danesfield House Hotel in Buckinghamshire. Some source (Hi, George’s pr team!) told People that last night’s party was a lot less star-studded and glamorously opulent than their wedding.
“George was very nice, absolutely adorable. Amal looked incredible and they seem very, very much in love. George went from table to table to meet everyone and at more than one table, when he noticed glasses were empty, he got a bottle and poured wine into everyone’s glasses. It was a very sympathique soiree. Very polished and a little low-key than you thought it might be. There were no other famous people. It was 90 percent her family. It was a lovely family celebration.”
Some creamed all over Amal’s wedding fashion game, but I say that she definitely saved the hottest look for this party. The failed showgirl turned side piece moll of a low-ranking Reno, NV gangster look IS the look. Hopefully for the one month marriage anniversary party and six-week marriage anniversary (etc…etc…), Amal continues to get her dresses from the “Boardwalk Empire on a budget” section of Halloween Town.
And now let’s toast to Amal Clooney’s perfect eyebrow situation:
I, for one, hope all of this is part of George’s plan to run for office, because we deserve a politician’s wife whose eyebrows give me Count Chocula with a dash of Bianca Del Rio.
Dealing with the insane pressure of being a top-level dramatic mess of a fame whore while working tirelessly to come up with new and even-more shameless ways to pimp out her made-up relationship problems to the media has finally taken its toll on Tori Spelling. Multiple sources close to Tori have told TMZ that Donna Martin is having a nervous breakdown. Apparently Tori’s “Ebola scare” was as fake as her tits (SHOCKING, I know), and the real reason she checked herself into Cedars-Sinai last weekend was to deal with some heavy emotional shit.
The sources (let’s just for a moment pretend they weren’t actually Tori at a Cedars-Sinai payphone in a pair of Groucho glasses) claim that Tori is in a bad way because her marriage to The Beady-Eyed Canadian Sex Possum (aka The Deaner) is a fucking mess. The Deaner apparently tried to hire a nanny who Tori thought would put the kids at risk. He’s also been missing AA meetings. “I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing ‘em!” – The Deaner.
Tori is also stressed the fuck out because she and The Deaner have no money. They’ve blown through her $800,000 inheritance, and she believes that both her television/movie career and reality fame whore days are over. The sources go on to say that she’s started faking illnesses to get attention (Ebola) but she’s faking too much and now she’s really sick. Just like she was totally maybe pregnant? Speaking of shamelessly trying to drum up some ratings for her reality show, Tori posted the above hospital selfie to Instagram yesterday with the following caption:
“This sick in hospital I finally see how quickly life can take it all away frm you. We all need 2 step up frm inside& go 4 it! W/our friends by our side. Sadly I’ve finally faced truth that 1 person will never be there 4 me #TrueTori“
Oh my god, I wonder who that 1 person could be??? Wait a minute…this Instagram comment that I totally didn’t just make up might explain things!
“@torispelling: What’s crappenin? U still in the hospital? Damn, u look like shit! Hey, is it cool if I swing by the ICU and grab some cash? The Deaner is running low on brewski funds and Poppa Possum be thirsty! Smell ya later! BTW – save me some Jello?“
No Tori! Don’t give him any of your hospital Jello! He doesn’t deserve it!
Don’t you have to actually do something to take a break from it? NO! That’s mean! Kristen Stewart is an excellent actress. I’ve never seen a performer with such a broad emotional range: bored, sullen, mopey, melancholy, bored, tired. Sometimes The Perpetual Apathetic Shrug Machine looks like she’s not acting by showing no emotion at all! She’s THAT good. She’s so good, she’s told USA Today (via Us Weekly) that she’s decided to take a break and let other actors have a chance at all the sullen teenager parts in Hollywood so she can focus on her true calling: ART!
“I’m taking some time off because I’ve been working for two years. I’m an actor and that’s my art form, and because I started that so young, I’ve always felt intimidated and insufficient when I think about other forms of art I want to create.”
“I’m going to take so much time off. I’m going to buy a live-work space in downtown L.A. and I’m going to make some [stuff] with my hands. Literally, I made that decision a few weeks ago. I’m making a short film. I’m making a bunch of stuff. I don’t know how I’ll put it out. But I’m not going to hold it so preciously close to me. I write all the time.”
Oh, we’ve read the kind of poetry you’ve been writing, KStew, and it’s a goddamn REVELATION. I sincerely hope she finds a way to merge some spoken word into her art, because the art world truly needs more eloquent emo teen WTF-ery like “One honest day up on this freedom pole“. Ooh, maybe she’ll sculpt an actual freedom pole? And if I know anything about art (and I do, since I spent 4 years of my life in art school), then that pole will be a giant dick. When in doubt, make it a dick! Dicks are ~deep~.
But I’m a little concerned for Hollywood. What will they do now that the human grimace is temporarily retired? I don’t think there’s anyone grumpy enough to fill in for KStew, besides Grumpy Cat (and that pussy is already being worked harder than a Kardashian at an NBA event). Kristen’s first art piece should be a mopey-looking wooden sculpture of herself that she can rent out to studios to fill in for her. It will be like she never left!
The Internet shat up approximately three million posts and a thousand think pieces yesterday when pictures of Renee Zellweger’s de-squinted next generation face, which she’s had for about a year, made the rounds. Renee Zellweger became Richard Gere in Sommersby and everyone became Jodie Foster. They looked at her, squinted the way she used to squint and calmly said, “Who is this woman in my kitchen? You are not my Renee Zellweger.” Then we all checked to see if (insert the name of the famous white woman you think Renee resembles) looks like Chase The No Face Cat now since Renee probably ripped her face off and sewed it onto her head.
Because Renee’s squint-free mug took over the Internet yesterday, she spit up a few words about her current look to People. Renee said that you can cancel the search party for the real Renee Zellweger, because she’s still Renee Zellweger. She’s just a happier, healthier and more fulfilled Renee Zellweger. The former Squinty Zellweger thinks all the talk about her current face situation is “silly.”
Taylor Swift, the twee yodeling love child of Vintage Barbie and a grown up Huckleberry Pie, recently did an interview with the Jules, Merrick and Sophie radio show in Australia and Sophie Monk (Never 4get Bardot) asked her what she thinks about critics saying that she only writes songs about dudes she’s dated. Tay Tay of Green Gables stamped that criticism with the VERY SEXIST label and said that haters gonna hate hate hate on her songs about ex-pieces, but yet the likes of jolly ginger Hobbit Ed Sheeran and grenade catcher Bruno Mars never get any shit thrown at them for writing songs about their ex pieces.
“Pfft, amateur slut!” – Wilt Chamberlain’s ghost
The John Mayer of comedians and the huge movie star that never was, Dane Cook, was on Watch What Happens Live last night and that shifty Siamese Cat Andy Cohen played one of those games he plays to get famous types to spill shit about themselves or other famous types. During the game, called Cheese Dane-ish, Andy asked the forever frat boy a question and if Dane refused to spit out an answer, CNN’s Candy Crowley had to fill his mouth with cheese. Since Dane answered every question, he never got a shot of cheese to the mouth, so every groupie who has sucked him off can’t say, “Now he knows how we feel!”
Anyway, Andy asked Dane who the most overrated comedian is and it took him a few seconds before he queefed out, “Gallagher.” Dane’s worst screen kiss was with Kate Hudson because she ate onions beforehand. Typical of Dane to put it on Kate. It wasn’t Kate who stank like onions. It was Dane and it wasn’t from eating onions. Andy’s third question for Dane was about working with his ex-piece Jessica Simpson on Employee of the Month. Andy asked, ”What was the dumbest thing she said on set?” Dane’s answer, “She said one day, ‘Are we making a movie?’”
And for the fourth question, Andy asked the human Summer’s Eve bottle how many groupie chochas have been touched by his Cook cock. His answer is a shock to no one:
“In my younger days, I would say, a few hundred.”
That number seems low, honestly. Back in the Golden Age of Dane Cook, college girls were tingling their clits off over him and he probably couldn’t open his mouth without a tongue going in.
You know, since we’re talking about Dane Cook and sex…. Dane looks like the kind of dude you’d have to hold your breath while making out with because he stinks like barf and beer. He’s probably the kind who burps during oral (giving and getting), farts when he cums and keeps his socks on the whole time.
With that being said, yes, yes I would.
Here’s the clip of Dane on WWHL last night. I see he traded in “fucking groupies” for “fucking his face with Botox needles.”
Zac Efron’s chafed taint is still sore from viciously scissoring with Michelle Rodriguez on a yacht in Italy, but he’s not letting that stop him from getting on a new piece.
At the Dodgers game last month, a bleary-eyed and slightly bloat face’d (Side note: Basically he looked like me the day after Dunkin’ Donuts opened in L.A.) Zac Efron was papped with a mysterious woman (Other side note: “Mysterious woman” is a nice way of saying “non-famous regular“). That same chick was papped again on Sunday when she and Pretty Pretty Princess Zac arrived in Copenhagen, Denmark after flying in from L.A. People ID’d Zac’s new piece as Sami Miró and her LinkedIn profile says that she speaks French, graduated from business school and used to work in business development for a media company. She has yet to update her profile so that it reads: “Current – Zac Efron’s Full-Time Lip Gloss Holder.”
If Sami Miró’s name sounds familiar to you, that’s because just like every other person on the planet she’s e-mailed you at least 20 times to let you know that she’s awaiting your response to her LinkedIn invitation. I’m surprised she has time to go to Denmark with Zac. Shouldn’t she be patiently awaiting your response to her kind invitation?
But seriously, these pictures of Zac with his new piece have me a little concerned. When Zac is driving and he spots a rogue brow hair on his face while looking in the rearview mirror, he immediately pulls the emergency brake, punches the hazard lights button and refuses to drive any further until he’s plucked that bitch out. Zac stops everything when he’s not easy, breezy, beautiful perfect. So it’s suspect to me that he has been papped twice with a piece whose current hair situation looks like that. How is it possible that Zac hasn’t run his ass off to Ulta Beauty to buy a box of beard dye that’d erase that tragic yellow color from Sami’s hair? Why hasn’t he done this? Who are you, Zac? Who are you?