Yesterday, Kevin Smith was seen running down the street while squealing with glee as he jacked himself off and that could only mean one of two things: Old Navy announced that they’re having a major 4th of July sale on baggy jorts or the marriage between Ben Affleck and that bromance-wrecking cold witch Jennifer Garner finally ended. It was obviously because of the latter and now “sources” are coming out to say why Bennifer 2.0 is stamping the word “DIVORCED” on their marriage of 10 years.
For years there’s been rumors that Jeremy Renner’s tip gets moist for peen and hos have been whispering that there’s something going on between his longtime flip flop partner and roommate Kristoffer Winters who got in the middle of his wreck of a divorce fight with his estranged wife Sonni Pacheco. (And I mean “flip flop partner” in the “flipping houses together” sort of way.) The National Enquirer also recently-ish did a story about JEREMY RENNER’S GAY SECRET. But Jeremy has said before that he’s not gay and he’s sick of nosy whores sniffing his asshole for the scent of lube and dick. Jeremy was asked about the gay rumors again during an interview with Stephen Rebello for Playboy.
Stephen brought up the story Jeremy told The Hollywood Reporter about how he once choked out an asshole who called him a fag for wearing a scarf. Jeremy explained why he told that story and went on to say that he’s not going to talk about the gay rumors anymore right before he talked about the gay rumors:
I was mad at the interviewer and was kind of hammering him, saying, “I thought we were doing the cover of Hollywood Reporter, not OK! magazine.” And while I was hammering him, I figured, Okay, I’ll speak to this. But as a general rule I don’t respond to questions about my personal life. I’m not going to try to prove what I am or am not. It’s silly, right? When you google yourself and the first thing that comes up is “Jeremy Renner gay,” it’s like, “Oh, now you’ve arrived. You’re now a giant movie star.” So I just had a big laugh about it. I don’t care, ultimately, if that’s what people want to think, read and care about. Fucking say whatever the hell you want about me. Look at where we’re at socially—leaps and bounds ahead of where we started. That’s an amazing thing. To suggest that it’s negative, that being gay is a terrible thing, a perversion or whatever—I just don’t get it. Don’t you wish we were in a world where we’re not shaming, judging and boxing people in?
Oh, so the slut-hating slut-shaming slut-shamer wants to live in a shame-free world? Interesting.
But seriously, in the same interview, Jeremy talks about guns, says that Jennifer Lopez was maybe turned on by him staring at her Golden Globes, says the word “bro” and talks about how he choked a guy who pushed Julia Stiles in a bar. (Side note: Jeremy Renner is really into choking. Rough trade kinky bitch.) Jeremy was one “I love to slam Buds with my buddies at monster truck rallies” story away from screaming that he’s 100% heterosexual. I’m with Jeremy, though, reporters should stop asking him about the gay rumors. There’s much more interesting questions to ask him like how does he achieve his impeccable bunny eyeliner game.
I was going to title this “American royalty” meets “British royalty,” but that would be a lie wrapped in a heavy layer of NO. Because this post is not about how Shauna Sand and her boy toy had high tea at a Hooters in Nottingham with Jodie Marsh and whoever she’s boning at the moment.
Years from now, history teachers will extensively cover June 26, 2015 and not because it’s the day that the Supreme Court made the dreams come true of every aspiring gay gold digger in every state. They will cover that day, because it’s the day that Dame St. Angie Jolie, Brad Pitt, Duchess Kate and Prince William drank tea together. CNN should really close up and give it up, because instead of covering a highly historical event like this, they spent hours reporting on those prison escapees last night.
Unlike CNN, UsWeekly knows what journalism is, because they exclusively reported about how Brangelina had tea with the royals at Kensington Palace yesterday afternoon. Brangelina are in London for charity stuff and while there, they drank tea (but was it Tension Tamer tea?) with Duchess Kate and Prince William and they also brought a gift for Princess Charlotte. A rep for Kensington Palace said they talked about illegal wildlife shit.
After months of coordinating, the two power couples met for the first time at a private Kensington Palace meeting. “The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge met with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Pitt at Kensington Palace on Friday afternoon,” a Kensington Palace spokesman tells Us Weekly exclusively. “They discussed their shared interest in combatting the illegal wildlife trade.”
“Everyone got on splendidly,” says the source of their afternoon tea. “Brad and Angelina spent much longer with the Duke and Duchess than planned. They ended up staying for almost a few hours.”
They drank tea and talked about illegal animals for “almost a few hours” (whatever the hell that means)? I call bullshit on that. They probably spent those “almost a few hours” smoking weed out of a blueberry scone Brad Pitt turned into a bong before swapping partners. But I’m sure we’ll soon find out what really went on during those “almost a few hours” when the History Channel airs a 6-part series about the most historical meeting of our time.
The Butterly Unicornie Rainbow Pink Sparkle Empress is still luxuriating in Europe and today she Instagrammed this picture of Brian Grazer, some friends and her new man of approximately three seconds, Australian billionaire James Packer. If TMZ is right, James Packer’s orange Shrek-looking ass will go from being Mimi’s new boyfriend to her third husband. Mimi is showing Janet Jackson that she ain’t the only pop DIVA who can land billionaire peen.
I stopped watching The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, because if I want to see a straight girl and a straight guy find true romance on the first date, I’ll just watch an episode of Bang Bus. But I do watch UnREAL on Lifetime and that shit comes off like a documentary about the making of The Bachelor. I figured that while the cameras were on, The Bachelorette and her suitors acted as wholesome as they could, and when the cameras turned off, they all licked on each other’s parts in a production van. So I squinted my eyes like “huh?” over people judging The Bachelorette for getting some dick on last night’s episode.
This fresh-outta-the-womb fetus has just been named as the new white, heterosexual virgin Peter Parker in the 10,000th Spider-Man movie that EVERYONE has been asking for. Marvel is sticking with the title Spider-Man even though my geriatric ass has a spider bite scar that is probably older than that kid.
Marvel announced today that 19-year-old British actor Tom Holland (Tom Holland sounds like the name of Tom of Finland’s wholesome square Dutch cousin) has beat out dozens of white boys for the role of Peter Parker/Spider-Man in the next reboot, which comes out on July 28, 2017. Tom Holland’s Spider-Man will show up in Captain America: Civil War first. Tom Holland was in The Impossible and How I Live Now, and he’s also in Opie’s Oscar-bait Moby Dick movie that comes out later this year. Marvel also said today that Jon Watts, the director of Clown and Cop Car, will direct the Spider-Boy movie. Tom Rothman, the HBIC of Sony, squirted out this statement today:
“It’s a big day here at Sony. Kevin, Amy (Spider-Man’s producers) and their teams have done an incredible job. The Marvel process is very thorough, and that’s why their results are so outstanding. I’m confident Spider-Man will be no exception. I’ve worked with a number of up-and-coming directors who have gone on to be superstars and believe that Jon is just such an outstanding talent. For Spidey himself, we saw many terrific young actors, but Tom’s screen tests were special. All in all, we are off to a roaring start.”
Am I getting older or is Spider-Man getting younger? Don’t answer that. The liver spot growing on my ass lip gave me the answer. Marvel actually wanted a younger Spider-Man. At this rate, I fully expect a baby to star in the next reboot of Spider-Man (in 2018) titled Spiderling-Baby. So, Justin Bieber, don’t give up hope. Your moment under the Marvel spotlight is coming soon.
As all of us who care about this stupid shit knows, there’s been stories about Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner’s MARRIAGE CRISIS for years, but lately some tabloids have been saying that they’re going to file for divorce any day now. Well, over the weekend, moving vans showed up in front of the House of Bennifer 2.0 in Pacific Palisades, CA, and so of course, everyone guessed that maybe Jennifer Garner finally had enough of Ben Affleck’s shit and put him on the curb where he’d be free to play pokah while guzzling random pussy juice all day and night. BUT WAIT!
People says that the moving vans didn’t carry Ben Affleck’s crap to his new pussy and pokah palace. Ben and Jennifer are renovating their house, so some of their furniture was moved into a storage unit.
A moving van was spotted outside of the couple’s Pacific Palisades, California, home on Saturday, and two workers were spotted loading the truck with an array of boxes and furniture.
No, the famous family isn’t relocating – they’re renovating!
Affleck, 42, and Garner, 43, are remodeling their home, and moving furniture out before construction begins, it has been revealed.
“It has been revealed” is People talk for “Their publicists told us to say this.” Speaking of, Gawker also has a piece about how People has been so far up Ben Affleck’s ass that if you want to know what he’s had for lunch, just ask them since they can peek into his stomach for you.
I do believe Ben and Jennifer’s publicist, because I’d like to think that if Jennifer Garner was actually going to kick Ben Affleck out, she’d burn all his shit in the front yard Bernadine-style while Victor Garber mixed up some “newly single” cosmos for them in the kitchen. And I’m sure next week’s cover of UsWeekly will read: “BEN AND JEN RENOVATE THEIR HOUSE (SO THEY CAN LIST IT FOR A HIGHER PRICE WHEN THEY DIVORCE!)“
Even after both Kelly Osbourne and Kathy Griffin strapped on life vests and jumped from the sinking ship called the S.S. Fashion Police, E! decided against burying the show with Joan Rivers and decided to bring it back. E! announced today that Fashion Police will come back on August 31st and when it does, Joan’s daughter Melissa Rivers will be sitting in the head bitch chair next to Brad Goreski and elongated ant Giuliana Rancic.
The Hollywood Reporter says that E! will squirt out 6 new episodes and Melissa Rivers will continue to be executive producer. It looks like the format isn’t going to change that much. Melissa, Brad and Giuliana will be regulars and they’ll talk shit with celebrity guests. What I mean by “celebrity guest” is an extra from #Rich Kids of Beverly Hills if they’re lucky. Melissa will also carry a taser which she’ll use on Giuliana if Giuliana says anything even mildly offensive. So basically Melissa will use that taser when Giuliana says, “Hello, I am Giuliana Rancic.”
Even though E! said that Fashion Police was going to come back after Kathy left, I didn’t really think it would come back. I figured that E! would realize that since it didn’t work with Kathy, maybe it won’t work with anybody not named Joan Rivers. But well, I guess Melissa hosting Fashion Police is better than E! “retooling” the entire thing and turning it into a show where the Kartrashians do nothing but rate all of Caitlyn Jenner’s looks of the week. That will probably happen on September 1st.
That’s pretty much it. That’s all of it.
Yesterday, Madonna threatened to show up twee corn husk Taylor Swift in the “Love Boat of music videos” department by Instagramming a “Bitch, I’m Madonna” promo poster with the faces of Beyonce, Nicki Minaj, Katy Perry and Rita Ora on it. Well, the video for “Bitch, I’m Avril” came out today and most of those cameos can be labeled “queef and you missed it.” It looks like Beyonce, Miley, Kanye and Katy Perry FaceTimed in their cameos while taking a quick shit on a toilet in their water closet. It wasn’t even a long shit. It was a “dump, wipe and go” shit. The things Beyonce and Kanye will do to make Tidal happen. Nicki Minaj couldn’t even be bothered with showing up on set and she rapped her part in a TV like she’s Jambi from Pee-wee’s Playhouse or some shit. But at least Chris Rock (???) and Rita Ora (who really has nothing else to do) showed up. And Rita did herself up in Rachel Dolezal drag. Topical!
The video premiered on Madge’s newest cult Tidal before ending up everywhere else 1 second later. As for the video itself, if Beyonce’s video for 7/11 freebased 2009 Ke$ha’s saliva and used sweat from a third tier Betsey Johnson impersonator as lube to have bareback sex with Regina George’s mom, it would give birth to this 9 months later:
Watching that felt like having a seizure during an acid trip. On a positive note, Madge looked more like Jem than the new Jem looks like Jem.
And here’s some riveting pictures from the past few days of the only pop “star” who truly showed up for Madge, and her low-rent Billie Joe Armstrong-looking ass boyfriend Ricky Hilfiger walking around London.
UPDATE: Kristen Stewart’s mom told UsWeekly that she talked to the Mirror about her movie and other stuff, but didn’t say anything about what her daughter’s chocha is up to nowadays. Jules Stewart claims that she only said that Alicia Cargile is a “lovely girl” when asked if they’ve met. Uh huh.
Kristen Stewart has apparently been bumping hipster hobo ‘ginas with her personal assistant Alicia Cargile for a while, but her mouth lips haven’t commented on the adventures of her other lips and probably because she figures those pictures of them holding hands is proof enough that they’re together. Besides, KStew doesn’t need to say it when her mother can do it for her. THANKS MOM!
The Sunday Mirror claims that they interviewed KStew’s mom, writer/director Jules Stewart. At first they talked about the wolves Jules raises on a ranch in Santa Monica. (So yeah, if you’ve ever said that KStew acts like she was raised by wolves, you were right!) But then they got to talking about who’s currently munching on KStew’s coochie box in a Mini Cooper. Jules confirmed that KStew is with Alicia now.
“What’s not to be accepting about her now having a girlfriend? She’s happy. She’s my daughter, I’m just her mom so she knows I would accept her choices. I’ve met Kristen’s new girlfriend, I like her. What’s not to accept? She’s a lovely girl. I feel like people need to be free to love whoever they want. I accept that my daughter loves women and men. It’s OK to be who you are in my world. We all choose our friends so we should be free to choose our lovers. People are good to do whatever they like as long as they’re not hurting people or breaking the law. I have gay friends, family members, I’m accepting of people, we are all free to choose who we want to love.”
Jules went on to say that all the “public stuff” ruined KStew’s relationship with Robert Pattinson and she’s really happy right now.
The whole interview falls directly under the file marked, “Suspect As Fuck.” I mean, would KStew’s mom really out her as bi to a British tabloid? Either KStew missed an allowance payment and Jules had to pay the bills by selling a story to the tabloids. Or this is a fake interview to keep us sheeple from figuring out the truth: Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are still together! (That second thought is sponsored by The Federation of Batshit Crazy Robsten Fans.)
I also threw two side-eyes at Jules saying that Kristen Stewart is “happy” right now. I refuse to believe that the human definition of Emo feels other emotions besides “ugh.” Nice try, though, “Jules.”
Here’s Kristen Stewart and her girlfriend giving you truck stop glamour in L.A. on June 6th.