Besides a blind item on CDAN, I don’t think I’ve heard any rumors about how 20-year-old Ansel Elgort, the Harry Potter spell-named dude from Fault in Our Stars and Divergent, is cuckoo for cock. But I guess I’m just not up on my Ansel Elgort rumors, because apparently someone somewhere said that he’s gay and has rented a quiet little pied-à-terre in the closet next to Kevin Spacey’s spot. So Ansel Elgort jumped on his Twatter to let those who care (read: his 2.3 million followers and bloggers who need shit to write about on a slow ass day) know that if the Atlantic Ocean was full of coochie instead of water, we’d call it the Snatchlantic Ocean, and also he’d be swimming, diving and doing the backstroke in it all day and all night, because that’s how much he loves punane.
Just in case it isn't clear… I like girls. A lot.
— Ansel Elgort (@AnselElgort) December 18, 2014
Seems pretty straightforward (NOPP: Not On Purpose Pun), but I guess some people took Ansel Elgort’s declaration of chocha love as his way of saying, “Ewwww, I’m not gay.” So he tweeted out another message where he made it clear that if he did love dick, you’d know it, because you’d wake up to the sound of him screaming his love for it on the mountain tops. He went on to say that everyone just needs to be themselves. Then he asked us to join hands and take turns saying something special about ourselves before singing along to “Firework.”
Also let me say if I was gay I wouldn't hide it. Being gay or straight isn't bad or good it just IS. U are who you are. Be true to yourself.
— Ansel Elgort (@AnselElgort) December 18, 2014
There you go! Ansel Elgort is strictly clitly. That’s all cleared up. And if you’re wondering what an Ansel Elgort is, MOM, here’s your answer. No, my mom doesn’t read this filth. She stopped reading when I started talking sucio. So basically, day one, post one.
Not content to let Bill Cosby hog the “beloved father figure-turned-awful garbage person” spotlight, America’s other dad Stephen Collins is back to talk about that time he confessed to being a child toucher during a therapy session that was secretly recorded by his ex-wife Faye Grant. Stephen released a statement to People magazine where he admits pretty much what we already know (that he was a creepy predator who molested three girls back in the day), but also provides us with some new information. Don’t worry, it’s not the kind of new information that will make you reach for a fresh bottle of brain bleach. Well, it might – but you won’t use the whole bottle this time.
Reverend Eric Camden’s gross bizarro world counterpart says that he hasn’t touched anyone in the wrong way since 1994, adding “I have not had an impulse to act out in any such way.” Stephen Collins really wants you to know that his child toucher days are behind him and he hasn’t done anything bad in 20 years. He also wants you to know it’s all his sneaky ex-wife’s fault that he’s even releasing this statement:
“Forty years ago, I did something terribly wrong that I deeply regret. I have been working to atone for it ever since. I’ve decided to address these issues publicly because two months ago, various news organizations published a recording made by my then-wife, Faye Grant, during a confidential marriage therapy session in January, 2012. This session was recorded without the therapist’s or my knowledge or consent.”
“On the recording, I described events that took place 20, 32, and 40 years ago. The publication of the recording has resulted in assumptions and innuendos about what I did that go far beyond what actually occurred. As difficult as this is, I want people to know the truth.”
Ah, what would the “sorry not sorry” apology be without a good old fashioned throwing under the bus. Speaking of sorrys, Stephen also says he has apologized to one of his victims (who Stephen says was “extraordinarily gracious”), but that he hasn’t reached out to the other two, because he’s afraid it might make things worse for them and doesn’t want to open old wounds. Or maybe he’s just afraid of the new wound that will be opened on his face when he meets up with his adult victims and they “make things worse” with one of their fists.
Aaron Sorkin Thinks The Bar Is Set Higher For Actors Than Actresses When It Comes To Winning An Oscar
More leaked Sony emails have been released, and today’s “I bet you wish you hadn’t said that” moment comes courtesy of The Newsroom’s Aaron Sorkin. UsWeekly says it happened during an email exchange between Sorks and Sony co-chair Amy Pascal regarding a New York Times op-ed by Maureen Dowd about the lack of diversity and women in film. Aaron Sorkin claimed that when it comes to winning an Academy Award, famous guys who put on wigs and pretend to be somebody else have a “much higher bar” to clear than famous ladies who put on wigs and pretend to be somebody else. Sorky references Cate Blanchett’s win for Blue Jasmine as an example (“You’re dead to me, Sorky” hissed Cate Blanchett atop her throne of acting awards).
The Hollywood Foreign Press Association outed themselves as fundie Satanists last week after they failed to nominate St. Angie Jolie for Best Director for Unbroken. The critics weren’t about to make that mistake and they gave St. Angie a Best Director nomination today.
The nominations for the Critics’ Choice Awards (aka that awards show on Vh1 that nobody really watches) were announced today and nearly every trick in the Hollywood game was nominated since there’s at least 500 categories. The only major snubs (that I can see) are Steve Carrell not getting nominated for Foxcatcher and Kate Upton’s tits not getting a nomination for Best Distraction In Shit Movie for The Other Woman. Birdman got the most nominations with 13 and The Grand Budapest Hotel got 11 nominations. Unbroken got 4 including Best Picture and Best Director. They also threw Brad Pitt a nomination for Best Actor In An Action Movie for Fury. The executives at Vh1 and every tabloid editor are spending most of their day pouring cornstarch in their chonies, because they keep getting seriously moist while thinking about St. Angie, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston being the same room together.
Jennifer Aniston was nominated for Best Actress for that movie where Rachel Green looks like cold shit and stalks a dead girl’s family. The Critics’ Choice Awards stage is going to be a giant boxing ring and they’ll sit Aniston at one end and Jolie at the other end, and the two will stare at each other as their coaches, Maddox (for St. Angie) and a My Buddy Doll (for Aniston), squirt red wine in their mouths from a straw. Jennifer’s nomination means that we’re one step closer to living in a time when the words “Oscar nominee Jennifer Aniston” becomes a fact.
After the cut are all the nominations. Go ahead and have a deep fried macaroni and cheese bacon sandwich for lunch, because you’ll burn at least 2,000 calories by scrolling down this long ass list.
When I first saw this picture, I almost saluted those two dudes, because I thought they were holding up bags of bagged macadamia nuts. They wouldn’t be alive right now if that was the case.
Earlier this week, Mimi, JLo and Kanye all bowed down to their new aspirational diva queen Heather Cho after it was reported that she ejected the cabin crew chief from a Korean Air flight over the fact that she was served macadamia nuts in a bag instead of in a dish. At the time, Heather Cho was the head of in-flight services and the VP of Korean Air. Heather flipped out when a flight attendant served her macadamia nuts in a bag in first class, and she flipped out again when the cabin crew chief failed to find the in-flight service manual that states that first class passengers must never lay their eyes on the unsightly image of macadamia nuts in a bag. Heather forced the plane to go back to the gate so she could kick off the cabin crew chief. The flight from JFK to Incheon landed 11 minutes late. Heather, the airline and her father, who is the chairman of Korean Air, were all dragged by the South Korean media. Heather resigned from her position as Korean Air’s head of in-flight services, but she stayed on as VP of the airline.
But CNN says that during a press conference this morning, a shamed Heather Cho hung her head low as she apologized for going nut crazy and announced that she will resign from her VP position and from other positions she held in affiliate companies. Heather Cho’s dad, Cho Yangho, also spoke at the press conference and blamed himself for raising her badly. (Take note, Papa and Mama Bieber.)
Authorities have opened up an investigation and are looking into whether or not she broke an aviation law.
Being the VP of her daddy’s airline isn’t Heather Cho’s calling anyway. I was going to say that she should be the director of in-flight services for John Travolta’s plane since they both go crazy for nuts, but that wouldn’t be a good fit. Just like me, Travolta prefers his nuts in a sack. Heather should come to Hollywood and teach a master class on how to really act like an entitled, spoiled mess. Wannabe dives like Ariana Grande and Justin Bieber need to be taught how a diva really divas.
Everybody in Hollywood has probably closed their email accounts, burned their phones and laptops and have vowed to do all of their shit talking in the bathroom with the shower on or in a screening of an Adam Sandler movie since those are usually empty. Because the Sony Hack of 2014 (“Hey, that’s my official title!” – Adam Sandler) keeps producing more e-mail foolery. Last night, Buzzfeed posted an e-mail thread between Hollywood super villain Scott Rudin and the co-head of Sony Amy Pascal, and this time they’re not gnawing at each other’s throats over that Jobs movie nobody wants or committing the sin of sins by trashing St. Angie Jolie.
This time they’re joking about how President Obama must only like movies starring black people and how he must love that “greedy whore“ Kevin Hart, because you know, he’s black. Dumb pieces of disgusting trash! That’s like saying that I only like gay movies, because I’m gay. (Cut to me saying, “bad example,” while throwing a cardigan over my DVD collection which includes Paris Is Burning, Priscilla, Bound, Hedwig, My Beautiful Launderette, The Wedding Banquet, Bad Education, Showgirls and He-Man & She-Ra: A Christmas Special.)
I’m just going to choose to believe that Christian Bale is working that flipped mane and stache because he’s preparing to play Yanni in a movie.
Christian Bale recently said in an interview with the Wall Street Journal that the likes of George Clooney need to have a seat and turn off the whine switch in their system, because he’s sick of hearing them bitch and moan about the paparazzi. Christian, who whined about the paps during that interview, said that all the celebrity whining is BOOOORING and he prefers not to whine about it. In case you forgot, here’s a piece of what he said:
“It’s like, come on, guys, just shut up. Just get on with it and live your lives and stop whining about it. I prefer not to whine about it.”
Well, at the NYC premiere of Exodus at the Brooklyn Museum on Sunday night, E! News brought up Christian’s pro tip for George Clooney. Christian played dumb. Christian said that he doesn’t remember dragging George and the WSJ must’ve twisted his words a bit:
“I was scratching my head when I heard that. I said, ‘When on earth would I had said that? I’ve got immense respect for him and I can’t even begin to imagine the invasion of his privacy. Our lives don’t even begin to compare. He’s a true movie star. I’m just somebody who was lucky to get a job. So, yeah, it was possibly just a well-intentioned edit. But certainly, I never meant any disrespect whatsoever.”
Out of all the things to backpedal on, this is not one of them. This is not the Christian Bale I want. I want the Christian Bale who calls out celebrities and contradicts himself like crazy while doing so. I don’t want a Christian Bale who sticks his tongue up George Clooney’s b-hole and plays nice because he wants to get invited to the Lake Como villa one day.
Harpo, who dis Christian Bale?
Well, this might explain why she chose to sign a 10-year contract with Xenu’s favorite crazy lil’ lapdog Tom Cruise; she just didn’t know him that well! So, Nicole Kidman – the thing ice references when they say they’re “cold as ___” – recently admitted to ELLE magazine (via Page Six) that when it comes to relationships, she’s a ‘get dick, ask questions later’ kind of girl (aren’t we all, though). Actually, maybe that’s a stretch; technically her approach is ‘get DAT RING, ask questions later’. Nicole, who married her current husband Keith Urban after one month of dating, says this of her approach to marriage:
“I’m spontaneous. I jump in. I kind of like getting married and then getting to know each other; I know that it sounds incredibly strange, but to me, it’s a more natural process.”
Humanoid Vanilla Ice Cream Cone, NO – that’s a TERRIBLE idea. Sorry, Duggars and/or anyone who quickly jumps into marriage (I’m looking at you, Kimberly Kardashian). The key to a successful marriage is getting to know someone well enough before you get married to make sure they won’t annoy the ever loving shit out of you. You can’t go into a life-long commitment without doing your research first! You need to study their fart patterns, their karaoke habits, whether or not they call it “doing poops“. I mean, imagine finding out AFTER you’re married to someone that they constantly make wet mouth sounds? I can’t…I don’t want to imagine that, it’s too disturbing.
While trolling Netflix for some shit to waste my time on the other night, my eyes landed on that shitastic Abduction movie starring the wooden wolf twink Taylor Lautner and I wondered what happened to him. It feels like it’s been years since I’ve seen staged pictures of him with the likes of Taylor Swift and Phil Collins’ daughter. Well, Taylor popped on the Internet this weekend when Andrew Christian underwear model Murray Swanby Instagrammed (via Towleroad) a picture that was taken on Thursday night at The Abbey, the straightest gay bar in West Hollywood. On Thursday night, both of the Taylors were getting themselves a piece of a panty model.
If you’re thinking that this is Taylor’s way of sticking his head out of the closet to wink at all those blind items about him, think again. Murray Swanby killed all those Taylor Lautner gay rumors for once and for all with these hashtags.
Ugh @official_taylorlautner #taylorlautner.. I’ve never been more #attracted to someone in my life.. #husbands??! Hahaha half kidding #hotstraightguy #twilight #hotguys #feck #TouchThursdays
Those hashtags didn’t go far enough, honestly. Murray Swanby should’ve gone all the way by throwing up these hashtags: #hotstraightguyswhojustLOVEcoochie #TaylorHeartsSnatch #TaylorDidnTouchMeOnThursdayCuzHeIsStrictlyClitly.
Taylor Swift And Karlie Kloss Are Not Making Out In This Crystal Clear, Hi-Res Picture, So Says Her Rep
I know, that could be White Oprah sucking coke out of Bruce Jenner’s nostril for all we know.
But Twitterer @kathyparkk (via ONTD) says that Taylor Swift and her supermodel BF4EVA and road trip partner Karlie Kloss were making out at the 1973 show in NYC last night. It’s been rumored that Tay Tay is dating Matt Healy of 1975 and that’s why she was there last night. So either this picture is nothing or Tay Ty is bumping wet parts with both or all those dudes she’s dated were bearding for her when we all thought she was bearding for them. If it’s the latter then M. Night Shyamalan is definitely involved, because this is a true plot twist.
Here’s a bigger version of Tay Tay and Karlie, who has a boyfriend, possibly doing each other with their mouths.
Hmmm, now that I look at that picture again. It could very well be the ghost of Sylvia Browne siphoning the life out of a young Dutch boy.
Taylor’s rep immediately shot down the Kaylor rumors by telling Gossip Cop that Taylor and Karlie are just really good friends, they’re not partners in pussy and the rumors that they made out last night are “hilarious.” Hilarious? Yeah, the thought of Tay Tay and Karlie kissing is really hilarious. But you know what isn’t hilarious? The fact that every time I see the word “hilarious” I think of Alec Baldwin’s fame whore pretzel of a wife.
And I can almost hear Taylor’s ultra conservative fans screaming, “See, this is what happens when you move to New York. The Big Apple turns you into a big ole’ LEZZIE!”
Here’s Taylor and Karlie at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show in London the other day.