You can find pretty much anything on the internet. My favorite parts of the internet are the ones where people post videos of kittens falling asleep or high-resolution pictures of Kim Kardashian’s face. But apparently Kate Upton can’t get to hers because she has to wade through 8 layers of haters first. And since that many haters is enough to make anyone want to take a lie-down, Kate told Net-a-Porter’s The Edit that she’s decided she might as well save her energy and just avoid the internet all together:
“I’ve heard people say, you put yourself in that position to be judged. But no, I put myself in that position because I really liked that photographer, I wanted to do that piece of work. Not to be judged. The internet can be horrible, so I just don’t look at it anymore. But maybe a little hate is good for me. Because if I’m in a spot where everyone loves me, I won’t try as hard.”
She also gets nostalgic for the early days of social media. Hmmm, I wonder if she was more MySpace or LiveJournal? You’re right – definitely Friendster.
“I feel like social media at this point is kind of bullshit. At the beginning it was amazing and a lot of fun. It was like, ‘Cool, I can talk to my fans!’ And now I think that we’re losing the art of it. When I joined Twitter it was just me, but [when] you’ve got contracts, it’s so planned. Now it’s about who has the best marketing, not who has a really good personality.”
Yeah, why do I get the feeling that the majority of the people following Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Kate Upton on social media aren’t doing it because they’re interested in her “good personality”.
But back to Kate saying bye bitch to the internet. Isn’t it just to be expected that once you become a famous type you’ll eventually find some shady shit written about yourself on the internet? I bet even a flawless living gemstone like Dolly Parton has stumbled upon some anonymous type hissing the words “her face iz bad and that wig is FUG” at least once in her life. Oh my god, for real though – just typing that for pretend made me feel so guilty.
Here’s more of Kate Upton serving up some aspiring rich lady realness in The Edit:
If you haven’t already passed out and died from holding in your breath while waiting for Ryan Reynolds and Blake NotSoLively to confirm their daughter’s name, you can finally breath again. And we can all sleep again and the planet can resume spinning. Because Ryan Reynolds and Blake NotSoLively, the only humans on Earth to name a child, have finally confirmed their daughter’s name.
Even before Blake NotSoLively birthed out their first kid late last year, Ryan joked about their baby’s name and after the birth, he continued to make jokes. Because well, if he simply said her name or didn’t say anything, he wouldn’t get as much attention. During an interview with Willie Geist on Today, Ryan finally confirmed that the rumor was right and their daughter’s name is James. Damn, I was hoping it would be Idoo Declare Lively-Reynolds.
Willie: You’re very guarded, I respect that, so I’m not going to ask you the little girl’s name, but you did say a few months ago before she was born that you were going to name her Excalibur Anaconda Reynolds. So can we call her Ana at least?
Ryan: That is not the child’s name. It is Butternut Summer Squash. No, it’s out there. It’s James. Everyone knows. I told everyone who would listen, that before it was out there I didn’t want to be the first guy screaming out to the media, because as we know, little girls turn to teenage girls and little teenage girls sometimes scan through the archives and go, “Why did you do that?“
In 16 years, I’m really sure Jim Reynolds is going to shout at her dad, “I can’t believe you told people my name after I was born. I fucking hate you!”
Yeah, I don’t think she’ll be pissed about that. Finding out that her mother was behind Preserve.us, is a completely different story….
This is the world we live in now. A trick can’t happily get pissed on while wearing lady chonies without worrying about the pisser spilling his fetishes to The National Enquirer for a quick check. Somebody needs to add “Do Not Piss and Tell” under “Do Not Kiss and Tell” in the Ho Code.
According to the bastion of truthfulness called The National Enquirer, Michael Phelps would win more gold medals if golden showers was an Olympic sport. Actually, that’s not totally true. He’d be lucky to win silver if Kim Kartrashian competed. Anyway, a Craigslist dominatrix claims that in February 2013, Poseidon’s son contacted her after seeing her ad and agreed to give her a $900 “donation” to come over to his NYC hotel room with a fully loaded bladder. Yup, apparently, he’s really into water sports.
While some of us spend our St. Patrick’s Day worshipping the green by smoking it in a bong (I guess that means EVERY day is St. Patrick’s Day for me), the British royals had to do actual work! Take that, hating whores (see: Morrissey) who always throw cold runny shit at the British royals for doing nothing but exfoliate their pristine royal skin with a paste made from the shredded bills they take from taxpayers. Duchess Kate is 8 months knocked up and she still showed up on time to the St. Patrick’s Day Parade at Mons Barracks today where she waved, smiled, waved, shook hands, pet a dog and smiled some more. The smiling part is really impressive, because I didn’t think a woman who is in the final stages of being knocked up was able to smile. Every chick I see who is seconds away from expelling a squatter from her body is usually gritting her teeth while making a level 10 “I am so over this shit” face. But not Duchess Kate. She is a professional!
While wearing shamrock bouquets that look like something a Chia Pet shat up (or like Mother Nature’s pube bush), Duchess Kate and Prince William visited with Irish guards and gave shamrocks to officers and guardsmen of the regiment. I have one very, very important question:
WHERE IN THE HELL IS PRINCE HOT GINGE?!
How can there be an official St. Patrick’s Day event in the UK without an almost naked and nearly unemployed Prince Hot Ginge twerking to Cock O’ The North while wearing a shamrock thong? That should be tradition! Eh, he’s probably busy snorting green vodka with the Alabama Leprechaun.
Short answer: Not you or me. But if we just sit here, covered in lube and ready to go, he’ll get to us eventually (but our no-nos shouldn’t hold their breath.)
About six seconds ago, there was a rumor that Captain America is further strengthening this country’s relations with Britain by sticking his patriotic dick into the low-rent Jodie Marsh known as Lucy Pinder. But well, if that rumor was true and wasn’t just a fairy tale burped up by Lucy’s publicist, then I guess they’re done bumping genitals and he’s already moved on to a new piece. UsWeekly says that 33-year-old Chris Evans is “off the market,” because his peen is now solely devoted to Phil Collins’ (Note: Let’s just pause here and imagine Chris Evans and Phil Collins fucking as Phil sings, “I can feel you in coming in my ass tuuuuh-night.” Okay, fantasy over, let’s resume this sentence) 25-year-old daughter Lily Collins. Well, today I learned that Lily Collins is 25. Here I was thinking that she was barely legal since she looks like she just was pulled out of her mom’s chocha about five minutes ago.
Some source says that Chris Evans and Taylor Lautner’s ex-beard met at the Vanity Fair Oscar party last month and they’ve been bumping nipples ever since:
“It’s just the beginning stages,” a second insider tells Us. “But they’re having a lot of fun and seeing where it goes.”
This is random’s favorite new couple and if they are really a thing, I’m kind of into it. But only because they both have strong, furry eyebrow situations and if they ever make a baby, it’ll be a giant pair of bushy brows with legs.
And here’s Lily looking like a Chico’s model in a supermarket parking lot last week.
Pics: Splash, Esquire, W Magazine
Here we go again. The last time we checked the pulse of the backwoods love affair between hillbilly moonshine princess Miley Cyrus and rich townie Patrick Schwarzenegger, it was moving slower than any song sung by Miley’s pappy Billy Ray Cyrus not named “Achy Breaky Heart” trying to climb the music charts. What I’m trying to get at is that sources claimed Patrick was slowly inching his way towards the door. But now TMZ says that things are so good between the two, they’re thinking about pulling out the good china (ie. the Dixie Ultra) and the good champagne (ie. Franzia White mixed with Sprite) and having themselves a wedding.
A “source” (Hollerin’ Hank down at the ol’ shouting tree who really needs to get his gossip facts straight) says that Miley and Patrick have been telling friends that they will get married someday. Miley has also been going out of her way to impress Patrick’s mom Maria Shriver, which means not dressing like an amateur stripper chipmunk on break from her morning shift at The Nut Hut, and learning how to speak talkin’ words gooder and more better.
The source also says that neither one is pushing the other to get serious, and the marriage feelings are mutual.
I know that whenever Miley and Patrick’s names pop up in the same breath as the words long-term and totally real, everyone starts kicking out imaginary chairs for which their publicists may take a seat, but I honestly could totally see these two getting married. Obviously it would be a messy shit-show that was the direct result of ripping dirty bong hits while standing too close to an open can of paint in a poorly-ventilated room…actually, now I’m starting to wonder how it hasn’t happened yet.
54-Year-Old Timothy Hutton And His 26-Year-Old American Crime Co-Star Are “SECRETLY” Living Together
The first two episodes of American Crime are in my DVR, but I haven’t started watching it yet, because there’s only so many TV watching hours in the night and I choose to watch highly artistic and spiritually fulfilling shows like Real Housewives of Melbourne, Shahs of Sunset, House Hunters Renovation, Love, Lust or Run and My 600-lb Life. I know, I should really give my melted brain a break from taking in such complicated art and watch some dumbed-down trash every now and again. Well, thanks to The Daily Mail, when I do get around to watching American Crime, I’ll know that Oscar winner Timothy Hutton and the chick who plays the teenage meth head are possibly rubbing fuck parts in real-life.
It’s gotten to the point where when I look at a picture of Chloe Sevigny, I don’t know if I’m looking at a picture of the actual Chloe Sevigny or a picture of Drew Droege as Chloe Sevigny. Or a little of both. Every Chloe Sevigny picture is a riddle with no answer.
All of us trashy whores better close our always opened legs, sit up real proper-like and if we have to fart, we better fart into a freshly cleaned white handkerchief, because we are in the presence of a genteel lady who is the sheer definition of class. Umlaut Chloe talked to V Magazine about stuff while promoting her new coffee table book for Rizzoli which was inspired by a Japanese paparazzi book featuring pictures of her. I’ll wait right here since I’m sure you have to evacuate your building after the carbon monoxide detector went off from being hit with the hot pretentiousness wafting off of that last sentence.
While talking about how nowadays personality is more important than acting skills, Chloe said that she doesn’t think she that thing that makes you a big movie star. Chloe thinks St. Angie Jolie has it, but thinks the frat boy trapped in a woman’s body that is Jennifer Lawrence is just trashy and annoying.
Slimer’s already got a sloppy b-hole and now it’s going to get even sloppier, because Sony is planning to pass that trick around to anybody and everybody for a dollar.
The all-lady Ghostbusters movie is already in the works, and today Sony announced that they’re planning an all-bro Ghostbusters starring Channing Tatum. I know, we already had an all-dude Ghostbusters, it was called Ghostbusters. Deadline says that The Russo Brothers, who directed Captain America: The Winter Soldier, will mostly likely direct the douche version of Ghostbusters and Drew Pearce, who wrote Iron Man 3, will write the words. Channing will produce and is hoping to star in it. So basically, it’s probably going to be like 22 Jump Street but with ghosts. Expect a lot of jokes about shitting in their jumpsuits and expect to see Jonah Hill (who will obviously be in this) get a hand job from a lady ghost while drinking an Ecto Cooler energy drink.
Deadline also says that Sony isn’t stopping with two Ghostbusters movies. They’ve formed a production company called Ghostcorps, which will shit up more movies, TV shows and merchandise. Ivan Reitman and Dan Aykroyd are running Ghostcorps. Ivan told Deadline their plans to fill the world with more Ghostbusters shit:
“We want to expand the Ghostbusters universe in ways that will include different films, TV shows, merchandise, all things that are part of modern filmed entertainment. This is a branded entertainment, a scary supernatural premise mixed with comedy. Paul Feig’s film will be the first version of that, shooting in June to come out in July 2016. He’s got four of the funniest women in the world, and there will be other surprises to come. The second film has a wonderful idea that builds on that. Drew will start writing and the hope is to be ready for the Russo Brothers’ next window next summer to shoot, with the movie coming out the following year. It’s just the beginning of what I hope will be a lot of wonderful movies.”
I don’t think we sprang forward on Sunday morning, I think we fell all the way back to 1984. Because Sony is suddenly going Ghostbusters crazy. Since they’re making a Ghostbusters movie for women and a Ghostbusters movie for bros, I fully expect them to make a Ghostbusters movie for every group that exists. So poke at me when they make an all-puppies Ghostbusters movie and an all-nudist Ghostbusters movie starring Alexander Skarsgard.
There have been at least 200 bitchy glitter pen entries since the John Mayer chapter of Taylor Swift’s Burn Book, but according to John Mayer, people still want to poke their long-dead relationship with a stick and he’s over it all. During a recent interview with MSNBC (via UsWeekly), question asker Ronan Farrow sort of tip-toed around Tay Tay’s name, as one does when they want to talk about Tay Tay so as not to invoke her butterscotch wrath. But John Mayer clearly wasn’t having the perpetual middle school drama of it all and came right out with the following:
“We have to be able to talk about Taylor Swift professionally.”
The Vinegar Prince then brought up his song “Paper Doll“, aka John Mayer’s version of a Taylor Swift break-up song from 2 years ago that was totally written about either Taylor Swift or Barbie, and took a swipe at the gossip telling types who thought it was a swipe at Tay Tay: