Nicki Minaj performed on Good Morning America as part of their summer concert series today and I’m actually surprised that they let her perform. I figured that they’d cancel her performance and instead devote every hour of the show to interviewing her about the TWITTER FIGHT OF THE MILLENNIUM between her and Taylor Swift. But animatronic morning show robot Lara Spencer only spent a few minutes talking about the junior high school cafeteria fight.
Nicki said a few words about why she thought it was weird that “Anaconda” didn’t get a Video of the Year nomination at the MTV VMAs and then she said that she and Taylor had a little talk about it. Taylor already tweeted out an apology that was definitely not co-written by her publicists and lawyers. Nicki said on GMA that they talked on the phone and that conversation didn’t end with one of them saying, “Bitch, meet me behind the gym at recess.”
“First of all, I spoke to Taylor Swift yesterday on the phone. So she was super, super sweet and she apologized. She said, ‘You know look, I didn’t understand the big picture of what you were saying, but now I get it.’ So we’re all good.”
Sweet, naive, question asker Lara Spencer asked Nicki if there’s a chance they’ll collaborate again. DUH Lara. What is the point of having a stupid feud on Twitter if you’re not going to turn that stupid feud into $$$$$ by doing a song about it together?
“I’m sure we can. You know why? Because it takes a big person to do what Taylor did and everyone sometimes speaks out of turn. I’ve been there. Sometimes we do things and we don’t think right away or we don’t investigate and we just talk. So it was big of her to come out and say that. Yes, we spoke for a long time. We were cracking up laughing on the phone. It’s over, you guys.”
Our long national nightmare has finally come to an end. You will not spend another sleepless night tossing and turning while wondering when Nicki and Tay Tay are going to kiss and make up. You can finally shut your eyelids and sleep….. until Taylor thinks that Nicki called her fat with that “big person” comment and starts back up again.
Yesterday, Blake Shelton’s team, I mean, anonymous sources, tried to convince us that Miranda Lambert is a two-timing, pussy-passing strumpet wench who broke Blake’s good ole’ boy wholesome heart by sexing on country singer Chris Young (he denies it) and some other dude. Well, now it’s Blake’s turn to get branded in the ass cheek with a scarlet letter.
TMZ, who brought us the Miranda cheating claims yesterday, says that now her people are calling Blake the cheater. Miranda is pissing shit over Blake using a powerful PR firm to attack her in the media and label her a cheating floozy just a quick second after they buried their marriage. Miranda claims that her vagina never visited another’s dick and that Blake is the one who messed around on her with a famous country singer. Trace Adkins, you home wrecking whore, how could you?!
2015 is one-long acid trip, so far. Who knew that I’d write 3 too many posts about these two? But really…
Miranda and Blake are an embarrassment! I mean, using TMZ’s tip line to throw shit at each other? What are they? Kardashians? This is not the way a messy country divorce showdown is supposed to play out. Miranda, Blake and all their side pieces need to go on Jerry Springer. And that show needs to end with a drunk, shirtless Blake screaming, “But Miranda I luuuuuv-de-ded yooze,” as security guards hold him back and a barefoot Miranda attacks his pregnant side piece with mashed potatoes that the prop people put out because it’s a special Thanksgiving episode. That’s how it’s supposed to go down. So please, Miranda and Blake, get some dignity and call Jerry Springer.
Also, Lainey has a blind item today that is so not about Miranda and Blake. Not at all.
It hasn’t even been a full day since the Duke and Duchess of Country (Billy Ray Cyrus and his Taco Party Pack will always be the King and Queen of Country to me) got divorced and a wave of stories about their break-up has already flooded the Internet. (“So you mean to tell me that I didn’t have to do that stupid photo-op with that damn mutt, because everybody is busy talking about Blake and Miranda? Dammit Jen!” – Ben Affleck) So far, the stories are conflicting as shit and some say Miranda Lambert wanted babies, others say she didn’t want babies and another says that she was Ashley Madison-ing through her marriage by cheating on her husband. Meanwhile, Blake Shelton is a monogamous angel whose dick only has eye for his wife’s punane. Of course.
While working a freshly shined Corinthian leather tan that can only be achieved when your suntan assistant uses a bamboo spatula to gently smear organic coconut oil on your body right before the sun star crosses the meridian, Goopy Paltrow did an interview type thing at the BlogHer15 conference (via The Independent) in NYC on Friday. Goopy mostly talked about the greatest comedy site on the Internet, GOOP, but since GOOP talk makes most people bust into a 4 step yawn, she also gooped at the mouth about how things are going with her first ex-husband Chris Martin.
Oh, the 80s, a simpler time for Tom Selleck, when he could waste water by watering his wet suit and not worry about the bitches at the water district shoving a lawsuit between his furry buns.
Tom recently got into trouble with the Calleguas Municipal Water District in Southern California when a private investigator they hired caught his employees stealing water from a hydrant. Tom was hit with a lawsuit after the P.I. witnessed a commercial truck steal water from a hydrant in Thousand Oaks, CA before driving back to Magnum P.I.’s gigantic Hidden Valley ranch (I’m craving dressing now) that has an avocado farm on it. Tom’s ranch is outside of the Calleguas Water District’s boundaries. The P.I. watched this happen a total of 12 times over 2 years. In the lawsuit that was filed last week, the water district demanded that Tom reimburse them for the price of the P.I. ($21, 685.55 ) as well as cover their attorney fees and other shit. Page Six says that Tom managed to keep this mess out of court, because his lawyers offered up a settlement that the water district approved.
If I’m going to do a post that mentions genocide, I may as well include a picture of an adorable doggy throwing a look that says, “Disclaimer: I do not endorse the opinions and statements made by the human holding me.”
Jesse Eisenberg, Michael Cera’s understudy (or is Michael Cera Jesse Eisenberg’s understudy?), caused a hundred groans during the Superman v Batman panel at Comic-Con when he compared being at the nerd orgy to genocide. I don’t see why everyone was waving their pitchforks at Jesse since I can totally understand how “dealing” with a thousand screaming fans who are going to pay to see the movie you got a big check for is just like the mass slaughter of a people. Samesies, practically! But most people thought that the shit that came out of Jesse’s mouth was just that, so he tried to clarify his comment twice.
I don’t know what’s giving me the creeps more: Justin Bieber’s “fuck me” face on the right, or his naughty “look who found a secret box of superhero costumes in the back of Mommy’s closet” stare on the left. You’re right, definitely BOTH. Let’s move on, I feel nauseous.
The 21-year-old patch of ratty hair growing on humanity’s upper lip was recently interviewed for Interview magazine by Martha Stewart (Martha, NO!), and once again
his PR team he’s reminding you that he’s not nearly as much of a useless little turd as he seems. Despite the fact that he became a full-time pop star at the age of 13, and that many of the life decisions he’s made in the past several years are similar to that of your dumbass high school dropout cousin, Justin Bieber claims he graduated high school. Not only that, Justin told Martha that he graduated with a 4.0 GPA. Uh huh.
Obviously the cynical bitch in me believes the only graduating Justin Bieber has ever done is from diapers to big boy pants, on account of all of his homework time being taken up by drag racing and smoking weed. But let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and say he did graduate high school. I’m still side-eyeing that “4.0 GPA” business pretty hard. Case in point:
sunday comes after saturday? weird
— Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) March 19, 2011
He can’t even understand the days of the week. Either he completed the same not-school high school program as Jaden and Willow Smith, or he got that 4.0 by slipping 4.0 million dollars into his homeschool teacher’s checking account. Regardless, that smart 4.0 brain of his was clearly no match for Martha and her shade A-game:
“I have a picture of the three of us. Your mom’s in the middle, and you look about 10 years old, but you must’ve been 16 or 17 because that’s only about four years ago.”
Here’s more of Justin looking like a decoy for an American Horror Story cross-over episode of To Catch A Predator.
Despite the fact that Kristen Stewart’s general energy level on any given day is equal to that of a sloth on Ambien, she says that she used to be high-strung and anxious, but she’s not anymore. Jet lag in human form told Marie Claire (via People) that she’s a relaxed, wiser KStew now that she’s older.
“Between ages 15 and 20, it was really intense. I was constantly anxious. I was kind of a control freak. If I didn’t know how something was going to turn out, I would make myself ill, or just be locked up or inhibited in a way that was really debilitating.
I’m really proud that I am able to move forward and not fall into every mental crater. That’s a new thing for me. Age has made me smarter and calmer. And it is fucking awesome.”
KStew is only 25, so at the rate she’s going, she’ll be a Solitudes CD by the time she’s 30. But just because she’s calmer doesn’t mean she’s 100% chill. Hollywood’s perpetually pissed-off stepdaughter also managed to hiss a subtle “fuck off” to the members of Team Long Hair.
“My hair was such a crutch. I looked quote unquote ‘sexy’ no matter what. I could hide behind it. As soon as I didn’t have all that hair, I had to let my face hang out. I felt more confident than I had in a really long time. And it felt really good. Maybe to most people long hair is prettier. But then what? Is your main goal in life to be desired? That is boring as fuck.”
She also went on to confess that being older means not apologizing as much either.
“Lately, I’ve been doing less of the ‘I’m sooooo sorry.’ And more of the ‘No. Fuck. Jesus.'”
As a Canadian person, I’m sure my brain would explode Scanners-style if I replaced “I’m sorry” with “No. Fuck. Jesus.” Speaking of apologies, someone at Marie Claire owes KStew one for damn near Photoshopping the KStew completely out of her face in the pictures below.
The last time Ciara boarded the boyfriend express, the train’s conductor – a rapper named Future – swung through Baby Town (population: one baby named Future Zahir Wilburn), followed by a brief stop in Cheaterville. It ended with Ciara saying sayonara to her baby daddy. Eventually Ciara decided to hitch a ride on the boyfriend express once again, but this time she doesn’t have to worry about any baby daddy drama, because the train has no plans of pulling into her station.
People says Ciara’s current boyfriend, Seattle Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson, spoke at San Diego’s Rock Church on Sunday about a bunch of things, including his relationship with Ciara. Russell Wilson, who is a hard-core Christian, confessed that Ciara’s goodies will be staying in the jar. And apparently it was his suggestion to keep them there.
“I said to her – and she completely agreed – ‘Can we love each other without that?’ If you can love somebody without that, then you can really love somebody.”
Obviously, Ciara agreed with him, because she’s still with him.
Russell Wilson is keeping his dick in a jar for now, but that doesn’t mean he’s still got his V card. Russell was married to his high school sweetheart, but they called it quits in April 2014.
After Russell admitted that he and Ciara have put their genitals in a storage box and slipped them into the crawlspace under the stairs, he jokingly told the audience, “I ain’t going to lie to you all now. I need you all to pray for us.” Then his penis grabbed the microphone and added, “No, for real. We need prayers. Lots of prayers. And if there are any doctors out there with access to some kind of pill that will make me forget about the fact that I really really want to have sex, that would be greatly appreciated too.”
During an interview on the Australian morning show TODAY to talk about their charity Adopt Change, Hugh Jackmeoff and his wife Deborra-Lee Furness briefly talked about how they’ve managed to stay married for almost 20 years when other famous hos are pressing the stop button on their marriages left and right. Jackmeoff and Deborra-Lee say that they’re never apart for more than 2 weeks and they don’t want to be. Deborra-Lee also joked that she let Hugh Jackmeoff’s agent know that her 100% pussy-loving heterosexual husband is not allowed to do any movies with Dame St. Angie Jolie:
Turning to conversation to their relationship, Lisa probed them on how they cope with having to see each other kiss other people as part of their job.
“I’ve told his agent he’s not allowed to work with Angelina, I’m sure she’s lovely,” Furness joked, before highlighting the work Jolie has done for adoption and world aid.
“That’s the deal with this business. If you get it right, if you pick the right partner, then, you traverse all those travails and challenges
I know that Deborra-Lee said that in her “joking” voice, but I bet she wasn’t joking. The hypnotizing powers of St. Angie Jolie’s hypnotic vagina are no joke and they know no bounds! St. Angie’s hypnotic vagina can lure in any straight man, straight woman, gay man, gay woman, bi woman, bi man, gay genderqueer, bi genderqueer, inanimate object, animal and on and on and on… In fact I heard that the snake St. Angie worked with in Alexander the Great can still be seen slithering across the front gate of her chateau in France. Even it is still whipped on her. St. Angie’s powers are that good.