This is when we realize just how much Robin Williams was a part of our culture, because as I was typing the words “used to be one”, my brain immediately cut to the scene in Mrs. Doubtfire where he pretends to be Elsa Immerman. Oh Robin, I am so so sorry to mention your name in the same post as such arrogant trash.
There were so many insane butt nuggets of insanity in Kanye West’s desposition in the case of him grabbing a pap’s camera and trying to whoop a trick, like claiming he’s a celebrity civil rights leader or that the paparazzi are worse than the Nazis, so it should come as no surprise that some crumbs from Kanye’s crazy would fall through the cracks. For instance, TMZ says that Kim Kardashian’s kurrent husband played the ‘I don’t hate ___ people, some of my best friends are ___!’ card by claiming that he can’t actually hate the paparazzi, because his father once worked as a paparazzi, and added that his parents didn’t raise him to “be out here wrestling with random paparazzi in front of LAX.” Well, I should hope not! I don’t believe Dr. Benjamin Spock ever said anything about the importance of taking your child to the airport and teaching them to fight with photographers.
The last time we saw Jenni “JWoww” Farley, her face definitely looked a little…off. It was sort of like JWoww was wearing a knock-off JWoww mask from Party City that had half-melted in the trunk of her car. It truly was a “Jesus take the wheel, and drive the car as far away from the plastic surgeon’s office as possible, cause this bitch is DONE” moment. Radar also felt the same way, so they talked to a couple of “doctors” (aka Nick Riviera and the staff at Hollywood Upstairs Medical College) to find out what the fuck she’s been doing to her face. And yes, the general consensus was 50-CCs of Fix-A-Flat injections and a whole lot of NO, STAHP.
But the demure silicone mermaid of the Jersey Shore herself says she hasn’t touched her damn face and what you see is 100% all-natural, so STFU and leave her gorgeous melting candle face alone, haters! JWoww took to Instagram (via Daily Mail) to post a sans-fards selfie of what she claims is her real face along with the following sarcasm-dipped message to Radar:
“Very flattered radar online that u think I had all that work done but I’m just a plain jane mom with wrinkles without makeup… But kudos to u and ur site awesome material… Very riveting”
All I have to say is: HARPO, WHO DIS WOMAN?!!?
My brain tells me it’s JWoww, but my heart says this is an imposter. If JWoww looks like this when she’s at home, then why does she look like the Snickers lady’s long-lost daughter when she goes outside? It doesn’t make any sense! Wait a minute..no, it makes perfect sense. Either JWoww is a shape-shifting rubber-faced Werepanther (totally plasusible) or JWoww’s home is experiencing some sort of plastic surgery-based paranormal phenomenon. On the outside of the house, you look like a Botoxed mess, but once you cross the threshold, your face reverts back to its original form. Call Mulder and Scully, I think I’ve solved the mystery!
I felt kind of bad cutting Basement Baby out of the picture, but then I was like, whatever, she’s used to it.
Tina Knowles, the ageless Mogwai goddess who birthed Beyoncé, was leaving lunch in Beverly Hills earlier today when she ran into TMZ. Personally, if I was lucky enough to run into Tina Knowles, I’d ask her a question like: “Do you think The Costume Institute will ever recognize your endless contributions to the fashion world?” or “Did you make Michelle look the worst on purpose?”, but I guess being in the presence of such an avant-garde visionary of neon lace and fringe made them all kinds of starstruck, and their paralyzed brains could only burp out a question about Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s crumbling feta cheese of a marriage. According to Momma Yoncé, things between her daughter and Joe Camel aren’t just fine, they’re PERFECT!
Mama Tina must think we have dirty rhinestone dust for brains, because everybody knows that Bey and Jay’s relationshit (typo that stays) is about as stable as Solange in an elevator. So if she’s going to lie, at least exaggerate a little! Tell us things are so good between Bey and Jay, that they’re looking into an experimental surgery where their lips are fused together so they never have to stop kissing, or they’re planning on recording an album that’s just the sound of them staring into each others eyes, or that Beyoncé is pregnant with ten-tuplets and they’ll all be named Shawn Carter. Come on, have a little fun with it, Mama Tina!
Robert Pattinson Says Acting Is Hard And That He Prepares For Auditions By Throwing Up And Punching Himself In The Face
During an interview to promote his new film The Rover, Robert Pattinson – the Twihard-hating Vampire trillionaire and Kristen Stewart’s former partner in greasy-haired scowling – told The Guardian (via Celebitchy) that whenever he gets a call from his agent informing him he has an audition, he turns into a neurotic mess who CAN NOT DEAL, and knows that it’s only a matter of time before he turns into the swoon-worthy British version of Regan MacNeil from The Exorcist:
“I just can’t … I literally can’t do it. It’s just me looking uncomfortable, trying to put on an American accent … or sitting in the corner, making myself throw up and punching myself in the face.” What helps get him past the neuroses, what happens after those excruciating 45 minutes that helps him perform. “Just that you think that someone actually believes you can do something,” he says. “That makes me sound like such an idiot. It’s crazy.”
RPattz also went on to say that it’s not just the auditioning that makes him want to crawl into the fetal position on the floor and weep tears of barf from his mouth-hole and pull a Moonstuck-style “Snap out of it!” slap on himself; sometimes he struggles even after he gets the job. Like during the filming of the career-defining Teen Choice Award-nominated film series Twilight:
“I think Twilight’s probably the hardest part I’ve done, because to do it for five movies, it’s really hard to think of stuff that’s maybe not boring. Especially if you don’t die. Because what’s the drama? You’re not scared of anything! And that’s the whole essence of drama: life and death.”
Calm the fuck down, RPattz; it was Twilight. All that was required of him, acting-wise, was to stand there and stare vacantly into the vacant eyes of Kristen Stewart, the vacant confused face of Taylor Lautner, and the confusing wiglet attached to Peter Facinelli’s head. Although I do partially agree with him that Twilight was probably his most difficult acting role; I’m sure even the finest of Juilliard-trained actors would have had great difficulty acting like they weren’t totally embarrassed to say shit like: “No measure of time with you will be enough, but let’s start with forever.”
World-famous freckled liar Lindsay Lohan gave an interview to the Daily Mail, and I bet you already know where I’m going with this, right? You’re like “Yes Allison, we know, she told them all about how she’s totally sober and wants to get back to work and hasn’t missed a single rehearsal for Speed-The-Plow and how the producers fired her understudy because the Apricot Ashtray is doing such an amazing job, right?” And guess what? You’re WRONG! She didn’t mention a single thing about being sober or showing up to rehearsals, because she was saving all her lies for a long-ass conversation about her former fuck partner and human greasy feeling James Franco. »
When it was announced yesterday that Lifetime was set to air a biopic about the life and tragic death of Brittany Murphy, most of us rolled our eyes, shook our heads in disbelief, and added another name to the already too-long list of tasteless low-budget Lifetime biopics. But then after about 15 minutes, we got over it, because as if the ghost of the voice of Luanne Platter really gives a shit that some second-rate cable channel threw together a shoddy made-for-TV movie about her life.
But not Brittany’s sleazy payday-sniffin’ papa Angelo Bertolotti! Angelo pretty much split shortly after she was born, and only resurfaced once she got famous (ah, classic Hollywood cockroach parenting). Then he kind of split again after she wouldn’t let him hump on her bank account, and was estranged from her for the last 8 years of her life. But that hasn’t stopped him from using the name @BrittMurphyDad on Twitter or re-launching investigations into her death and running to the press. But Angelo is so shook-up at the idea that anyone would exploit Brittany’s death for profits! Well, you know, besides him. According to Radar, the second Angelo heard that Lifetime had made an biopic about his daughter, he immediately called up his lawyer (who I’m guessing is probably Saul Goodman) because he wants to make sure he sees a cut of the profits. NO! He’s totally not trying to hustle Lifetime for dollars! Angelo claims he’s threatening to sue the pants off them because he claims that Lifetime has not been authorized to produce the “true story” of Brittany Murphy, and because he was never consulted during production.
All this would seem like Angelo has only the best of intentions for preserving his daughter’s memory, until you realize his only memories of Brittany Murphy involve stuffing his pockets with cash, so basically he lawyered-up to #getmoneybitch. Except he’s clearly not familiar with Lifetime, otherwise he’d realize there’s no damn money to get! The production budget for House of Versace was about $2,000 (maybe $2,500, tops), and don’t get me started on that $3 disaster called The Anna Nicole Smith Story. Angelo can try to sue Lifetime, but the most he’s going to make off with is about $100 and a jacked Liz Taylor wig (and that’s if the wigs haven’t been sold on Craigslist yet).
Christian author, reality trash, porn trick, yogurt maker, mother of every year and rubber asshole mogul Farrah Abraham is now shaking her concrete ball tits for dollars at the Palazio Gentlemen’s Club in Austin, TX. E! News says that Backdoor Farrah started out as a cocktail waitress, but that lasted for about six seconds when she realized she could make more money stripping. If Farrah dances like she screws, then she probably moves like a sloth on Ambien, and since men would definitely throw money at a sloth on Ambien if it showed them its tits, she’s making a lot of money. But Backdoor Farrah wouldn’t be Backdoor Farrah if she didn’t reach into a bull’s dirty ass and pull out a bullshit excuse for why she’s stripping. Surprisingly, Backdoor Farrah didn’t say that she lives at the Palazio and she can’t believe that a bunch of strange men are violating her by throwing money at her while she dances naked in the privacy of her own home. Instead, Farrah said that she’s doing research just like Jennifer Aniston. That’s your cue to go to your refrigerator, get out a giant plastic tub of whipped Bitch, Please, scoop a spoonful out and prepare to fling it at this mess with butt plug dust for brains.
“I’m doing research. A friend of mine works there and I’m researching. I’ve been trying out all the roles that make up a gentleman’s club, including cocktailing and dancing. There’s management and there’s cooking too. It’s job shadowing that I hope pays off. In the same way Jennifer Aniston researched her role as a stripper, that’s what I’m doing. It’s how I get the information to write my books and do my movies. Unfortunately, I’m not free to talk about what those future projects may be. But I’m interested in hearing all the women’s stories. And while I’m doing it, I’m getting paid. I’m getting paid to play a role and get informed.”
That’s a good line actually. The next time you get caught by the police sucking dick under the bridge (which I know happens to you all the time), just tell them, “Officer, I’m doing research for a book I’m writing about sucking dick under bridges.” The next time my mom throws me a cold judgmental side-eye for smelling like weed, I’ll tell her that I’m just doing research for the role of a nonsensical stoned blogger that I “play” 24 hours a day.
But really, Farrah’s daughter is probably wondering when she’s going to do research for her book about how to be a good mom by actually being a good mom. No! Farrah’s daughter doesn’t care. She’s busy doing her own thing.
If you’re ever around toddlers for some reason – first of all, I’m sorry you have to go through that and just remember that Valium and red wine are your friends and support system. But anyway, if you’re ever around toddlers for some reason and never have anything to talk about with them, because they’re toddlers, here’s some ~HOT GOSSIP~ they probably care about. The come-to-life Steve Madden bobblehead who should be thrown in a prison cell for blatantly thieving Charo’s signature hairstyle is getting on Naya Rivera’s leftovers. They’re the JLo and Diddy for the kindergarten playground set.
E! News says that 21-year-old Ariana Grande Latte (Side note: That’s not a typo. She’s a 21-year-old grown person who just looks like a fetus in a wig) and 26-year-old Big Sean have known each for a second or two since they made a song together, but recently they started hanging out more and more. Some source says that the yodeling off-brand Bratz doll who is single-handedly responsible for unleashing the fame whore flamingo monster Frankie Grande on the world and Big Sean went to see The Purge at The Grove in L.A. and they touched lips during it. Because nothing is more romantic than watching creepy fucks in plastic masks set people on fire. A different source spit this out about the two:
“They have been friends since they made the song together. They have been spending more time together and recently have been getting very close. They are both doing great.”
Big Sean was engaged to Kim Kartrashian’s face stalker Naya Rivera a little while ago and after they broke up she married some other dude on their wedding date. Ariana Grande Latte was dating Danny from six period English, but she broke up with him through emojis when she caught him checking out that whore skank Gina in the quad.
This is obviously a PR relationship that was born in a record executive’s office. If Ariana Grande Latte and Big Sean were doing it for real, it would be obvious to anybody with eyes. I mean, if that (NSFW) leaked nude tells the truth, then Big Sean’s dick is about the size of Ariana Grande Latte’s entire body. So if they were fucking, she’d be in a wheelchair or the bottom part of her body would be held together with rope and duct tape because he split her in two.
But if they are together for real, I hope they get married and I hope he takes her last name, so he can become Big Grande (Sean is his last name, right?).
And here’s the newest song they did together and it’s obviously a coincidence that they released it yesterday. I’m bracing my eardrums just in case it’s a hit like that”Problem” song, which is everywhere. I had blood work done at my doctor’s office this morning and even they were playing that song. Is no space sacred?! They were probably playing it because they knew it would make me sicker and then they’d have to feed me more meds. I’m on to you, Obama!
The Kardashians Are Refusing To Keep Shooting Because They Think The KUWTK Krew Is Stealing From Them
Ever since a sticky-fingered bandit made off with $54,000 of Kourtney Kardashian’s kash from her home and $250,000 worth of Khloe Kardashian’s jewellery from her house, Kim Kardashian and her krew of skanky sisters have kalled it kwits on filming the tenth season of Keeping Up With A Family of Talentless Trash because they think the burglaries were an inside job.
TMZ says that The Narcoleptic Hooker Queen, KhloTron-2000, and the slow one who humps on Scott Disick are convinced that the person pilfering their cash and joo-rey is one of the poor souls assigned to follow them around with a camera. A source close to the girls (one of the many johns with a Pimp Mama Kris’s Diskount Hookers Loyalty Kard) claims that Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe all hired extra security and installed more surveillance cameras, but Kourtney still got her shit lifted in the Hamptons earlier this month. Now they’re refusing to continue filming their dumb reality show until producers try to weed out their thieves by forcing the crew to take lie detector tests. Quickly God, use your magic powers to destroy every single polygraph test in the universe!
There’s no need to call The Maury Show just yet; let’s see if I can’t use my powers of deduction to finger the culprit. It’s definitely not any of the crew; they’re all compensated handsomely by Lucifer for taking the jobs nobody else wants and have no need to steal cash. Missing jewelry would lead me to believe it was that glamorous bitch Bruce Jenner, but as if he’d ever be caught dead in last season’s rhinestones. Thousands of dollars in stolen cash would lead me to believe it was their deadbeat sock-hustling brother, but stealing would require his lazy ass to leave the house, so it’s not him. That only leaves…NORTH WEST! Of course! She’s probably stockpiling cash and jewellery in preparation for the day she can get her tiny hands on a fake passport and flee to a tiny island off the coast of Madagascar.
And here’s the silicone-stuffed sedated former porn star taking some time out of her busy schedule of nothing and nothing to pose for the paps in two different outfits.
Yesterday, Taylor Swift was at the Teens Make Terrible Choices Awards (see pictures below) looking like a Tampa, FL waitress at a Beach Blanket Bingo-themed knitting store/juice bar who smears a mixture of Vaseline and Crisco on her skin before she sunbathes on the driveway of her carport and got the same haircut my mom got in 1982 when she told the haircutter at the JcPenney salon to give her “Jane Fonda in Klute.” And while Taylor Swift and her pushed-up tit pies were at the Teen Choice Awards, her BFF4EVA Karlie Kloss was at her Beverly Hills mansion heating up her full-size Easy Bake Oven and getting everything ready for the strawberry tart baking party they had when she got home. (That is not a euphemism.) Because the literary gazette of integrity, The Daily Mail, says that Karlie Kloss has moved in with Taylor Swift. Well, the good news for Taylor Swift’s accountant is that she doesn’t have to use her millions to buy mirrors, because if she ever wants to know what she looks like, she just has to look at Karlie Kloss.
A source tells The Daily Mail that Karlie moved into Taylor of Sunnybrook Farms’ Beverly Hills house a few weeks ago and the two have become so “inseparable” that they’re looking into getting conjoined twin surgery so they will never be parted.
“Taylor and Karlie have grown very close,’ the source told me. ‘They are inseparable. Taylor wanted someone to live with her, to have some company, and Karlie jumped at the chance to move in with her friend. They spent a lot of time together before Karlie moved in but now they are rarely apart. They do everything together, from visits to the gym to going on road trips.”
Some think that just because Kar Kar and Tay Tay are living together and are joined at the bangs means that she’s gotten tired of bearding and writing #1 songs about all the “dramatic males” she stalks, so she’s switched shit up and is lezzing it up and writing #1 songs about the chicks she stalks instead. Some think that Karlie and Taylor are like SamRo and Lindsay Lohan if you replaced the crack and Jack Daniels with peach pocket pies and handmade doilies. As much as I’d like to think that Kar Kar and Tay Tay are setting the smoke alarms off in her house by rubbing their twig legs together while scissoring in her craft room, I don’t think that’s happening. I still think this is a Single White Female situation, but I don’t know who’s Single White Female-ing who. But I do know that Taylor’s adorable pussy better wear a helmet and parachute at all times, because we all know what happened to Buddy.
Here’s more of Taylor at the Teen Choice Awards and Kar Kar leaving Taylor’s apartment in NYC the other day.