Seen above giving you “washed-up and dried out, crab infested red seaweed” hotness, Lindsay Lohan has been asked to talk about her messy wreck of a relationship with Egor Tarabasov on a talk show in Russia, and since she lives in a wet fart bubble of delusion where she thinks she’s a gigantic star, she’s asking for a whole lot. LiLo is a monkey funeral away from becoming the Norma Desmond of our time.
Gwen Stefani and her rebound boyfriend Blake Shelton have been together since October of last year and since then, they’ve really worked a truly next-level “LOOK AT US!” love game in all sorts of ways. I hope the health plan at NBC includes a generous massage coverage; I’m sure all the high-fives The Voice’s PR department have given each other over the past ten months have really taken a toll on their hand muscles. Blake and Gwen have covered pretty much every base there is on the baseball diamond of attention-loving celebrity relationships. The only thing left really is for the two of them to get married and according to TMZ, it’s going to happen.
As Brit Brit Spears’ fans, the Spearheads, wait for her to finally burp up a video for that auto-tuned extravaganza “Make Me,” she did a little promo on Australia’s Kyle & Jackie O radio show on Sunday morning. During the interview, Kyle and Jackie O got Brit Brit to play a game of “Who Would You Rather?” and thank God they didn’t ask her, “Would you rather 69 with Chester Cheetah or Colonel Sanders?” The Sophie’s Choice she had to make would’ve made her head explode. One question they did ask her is if she’d rather sit next to Katy Perry or her little fan Taylor Swift on a 24-hour flight, and in her answer, she said that she’s never met Tay Tay before. See: picture above of Tay Tay and Brit Brit.
But what should’ve cost her the crown is that ugly lemon cupcake of a rejected quinceañera dress.
The Miss Teen USA pageant went down on Saturday night in Las Vegas, NV and the 5 finalists were all blonde-haired clones of each other. The final 5 line-up looked like the call backs to be Leonardo DiCatchAHo’s new girlfriend. Or like contestants from The Bachelor if the bachelor was Donald Trump. Or like the Bravo laboratory where scientists grow future cast members for The Real Housewives of Orange County. You get the point. One teenage blonde beauty queen managed to rise out of the pile of teenage blonde beauty queens to snatch the crown, and that blonde was 18-year-old Miss Teen Texas, Karlie Hay. And a quick second after Karlie Hay was crowned the new Miss Teen USA, tweets from 2013 came back to haunt her ass.
The only thing Justin Bieber should be offered is a one-way ticket to Mars, but for some reason, the organizers of a GOP event offered him a pile of money that’s even bigger than his throbbing pus-filled ego. Republican donors really, really wanted the butt paste clinging to Canada’s ass crack at their event and offered him $5 million for just a 45 minute show. Scott Baio is normally only full of shit, but today he’s also full of sadness and rejection, because he totally would’ve performed his mega hit “How Do You Talk To Girls” at that event for an Uber ride and a Trump butt plug.
Harper’s Bazaar’s September issue should’ve been called the “Necrophilia Issue,” because that picture has about as much sexiness and charisma as a picture of a crime scene photographer taking a picture of a dead body. No disrespect to crime scene photographers and dead bodies.
The publishers of Harper’s Bazaar are probably going to be hit with a class action lawsuit from subscribers who no longer have eyeballs because that shit rolled out of their faces and out the door while reading the magazine’s Q&A with Kanye West and Kim Kartrashian. It reads like one of those Facebook quizzes filled out by a fart bubble and a queef bubble.