The British government needs to raise taxes, because Duchess Kate deserves a major employee of the month bonus. I mean, trick is working on a Sunday! While Prince Hot Ginge sleeps off his hangover on a bed covered with naked dishwater blondes and THE QUEEN spends her Sunday getting drunk on Werther’s Original-tinis with her Corgis as they crank call Camilla, Duchess Kate worked an event in London.
Duchess Kate worked overtime by smiling, waving and shaking hands at the 75th anniversary of the Royal Air Force Air Cadets today. While wearing a hat that kind of looks like a giant blue suede condom, Duchess Kate talked with a 19-year-old cadet and told her that the future King of England wants to fly planes like his daddy one day. via People
During the event, Kate told cadet Lucinda Conder, 19, that she had shown George, who is 2-and-a-half, pictures of Spitfire fighter planes after a royal engagement.
“He is now obsessed with the air cadets and wants to join,” Ms. Conder, from Hammersmith in west London, told reporters on Sunday.
Whoever writes the words that Duchess Kate says at events needs to get it together. Prince George is 2 years old and 2 year olds are like me after 6 drinks and 2 bowls: They don’t know what they’re saying! (But then again, I don’t know what I’m saying while completely sober.) Besides, Prince George probably wants to be what he’s going to be, which is the King of Fucking England. I mean, he’ll get to do what he does now. He’ll terrorize the citizens of England and whenever some kid refuses to hand over their toy to him, he’ll send their parents to the gallows and cackle while doing so. I can’t wait for him to be king!
Helen Mirren Doesn’t Think It’s Fair That Everyone Is Shitting On The Academy Because Of #OscarsSoWhite
Oscar winner and the new face of Budweiser Dame Helen Mirren was asked to brain burp up her thoughts on the fact that the Oscar acting categories are filled with nothing but white people for the second year in a row. While talking to the UK’s Channel 4 News (via The Guardian), Helen says that she doesn’t think it’s fair that everyone is coming for the Academy because it’s not their fault that the voters would rather watch a movie where Matt Damon makes caca potatoes (pootatoes) on Mars than watch a movie about child soldiers in Africa.
“Wheee! Isn’t this fun? Say it with me: this is fun. This is fun. More fun than mom. What? Did I say mom? That was weird and totally unintentional.”
If reading about Gwyneth Paltrow’s ~so~ perfect relationship with her ex-husband yesterday made you gag and think “God, doesn’t ANYBODY hate their exes anymore?“, I have good news for you. Madonna still hates Guy Ritchie with the fire of 1000 burning anal warts. UsWeekly says Madonna hates him so much, she’s pulled out her pointin’ finger and accused her ex-cunt of trying to brainwash their son, Rocco Ritchie.
Even though a judge ordered him to pack his bags and return to his mama’s house six weeks ago, Rocco is still living with his dad in London, because Rocco doesn’t want shit to do with Madonna. Madonna’s original theory about Runaway Rocco was that Guy had been talking shit about her for years to their son in an attempt to recruit him onto Team Your Mom Sucks. Now she thinks he’s been doing more than just casually rolling his eyes and muttering “wanker” under his breath.
A source close to Madonna says she thinks Guy has been trying to brainwash Rocco before their next custody hearing, which is happening today. Guy has apparently been pushing the hard sell on Rocco by constantly telling him he should be living in London and not with his mom in New York. The source also claims Guy has taken a Kris Jenner approach to education by telling Rocco he can pretty much drop out any time he wants because school is for fools. Madonna isn’t a fan of quitting and wants him to stay in school. Again, she thinks he might be encouraging Rocco to drop out as a form of attempted brainwashing.
As for how Madonna is taking it all, the source says she feels “incredibly hurt” and that the situation is “really horrible.” Basically, on a scale of Desperately Seeking Susan to Shanghai Surprise, it’s a Swept Away.
So to recap: Guy’s brainwashing technique includes aggressively talking trash about Rocco’s mom, isolating Rocco from his mom, and encouraging him to drop out of school. I think the Church of Scientology’s recruitment club just found its latest guest speaker.
Here’s more of Guy and his son (“Son? More like hostage!!!” hollered Madonna) riding around London on their bikes over the weekend.
Earlier I said that everything’s coming up CaCa, because she’s doing the Oscars and the David Bowie tribute at the Grammys. Well, add the Super Bowl 50 to the list of events that will be filled with a heavy serving of CaCa this year.
Seen above appropriating Liberace and the Bride of Frankenstein’s cultures, Lady Gaga has been announced as the yodeler who will sing out “The Star-Spangled Banner” before the (insert the name of a city or area and some animal’s name here) and the (insert the name of a different city or area and a different animal’s name here) battle it out for the title of Super Bowl 50 champions. Gaga will sort of be the appetizer to the halftime show which will star BEYONCE!!!!!!!!!! (and her back-up band called Coldsore or something rather).
The Associated Press pushed out a couple of extra details:
Lady Gaga is set to sing the national anthem at the Super Bowl on Sunday.
The NFL told The Associated Press on Tuesday that Gaga will sing “The Star-Spangled Banner” at Levi’s Stadium in Santa Clara, California, where the Carolina Panthers will take on the Denver Broncos.
Academy Award winning actress Marlee Matlin will perform in American Sign Language during the national anthem.
Okay, they had me at Marlee Matlin. But seriously, I’m only posting this for the maybe one of you who care about the Super Bowl and are going to watch it. The rest of the world is going to be smoking a super bowl while watching a much more important and relevant event: The Puppy Bowl! And it has been announced that Harley the Wiener Dog is howling out the national anthem at the Puppy Bowl. Dlisted got the first exclusive footage of Harley in rehearsal:
And judging from that rehearsal footage alone, Harley is obviously going to show Lady CaCa up on Sunday.
To which the world screamed, “DUH!”
I’m sure any of us can name dozens of instances of people in Hollywood and the fashion industries getting opportunities handed to them because they fell out of a famous cooch. One of those examples is Posh and David Beckham’s 16-year-old Brooklyn Beckham and it’s got professional photographers mad. Brooklyn’s little brother Romeo Beckham modeled in Burberry’s Christmas campaign last year and The Guardian says it was a big hit. So Burberry hired non-professional photographer Brooklyn Beckham to shoot the campaign for their fragrance Burberry Brit. Both Burberry and Brooklyn announced it on their Instagram pages last week. The shoot happened this past weekend and Brooklyn posted pictures from it on his Instagram page. Some photographers who have been in the game a while aren’t happy about it and they burped up their thoughts to The Guardian.
It’s Iowa Cock-Ass Day and so one of my fashion idols and favorite accidental rappers Sarah Palin is there because: 1. There’s a lot of cameras there right now and 2. She’s there to push rotting cheese curd with a mouth Donald Trump.
Sarah Palin’s son Track Lighting Palin was busted by the cops in Wasilla, Alaska early last month after he allegedly punched his girlfriend and pulled a gun on her during a fight. The news of Track’s arrest came on the day that Sarah Palin dazzled our retinas with her stunning Christmas tree tinsel bolero while officially endorsing Jabba the Trump as her choice for the next president. Sarah Palin brought up Track’s arrest during a rally in Oklahoma the next day and mouth burped up some stuff about how her son may have PTSD from fighting in Iraq and she blamed it on the Obama administration. Well, Sarah did an interview with Today this morning and of course they asked her about her PTSD comment.
Okay, So Kristen Stewart Didn’t Say That Talk About Hollywood’s Lack Of Racial Diversity Is “Boring”
This afternoon, I sat back with a giant bowl of extra buttery popcorn and inhaled the scent of burnt paper as I watched the Internet roast wet piece of cardboard Kristen Stewart for saying that the #OscarsSoWhite controversy is boring her and people of color need to stop whining and do something. She supposedly said that while promoting her new movie Certain Women during an interview with Variety at Sundance. I guess even Variety couldn’t understand the rambling stream of words that came dribbling out of her mouth, because they later corrected their story and said that Kristen Stewart wasn’t talking about the racial diversity problem in Hollywood. She was talking about gender equality. So KStew doesn’t think you actors of color should stop bitching and moaning. She thinks you vagina-havers need to stop crying!
The Styrofoam cup full of watery powdered milk took us on a roller coaster ride of words as she tried to tell us her thoughts on women in the industry complaining about gender equality. KStew is pretty much the Nike of gender equality, because she thinks you wimmuns need to stop crying and just do it. Go do something! Go make a painting! Go write words! Go get your box eaten by a married director in a Mini Cooper! Just go do something!
“It’s hard for me to speak to that because it’s awkward. I’m so fucking lucky and so stimulated and driven like not bored and I have something in front of me all the time, so it sounds weird for me to sit around and be like, ‘It’s not fair!’ It’s like, well, guys make more money, because their movies make more money. It’s like, let’s start making…. It makes sense. Like, if you’re bored or if you feel like there’s a lack of something in front of you…. It’s silly for me to say but, ‘Go do something.’ My mom’s an artist, she’s like a painter, she’s a script supervisor as well. So like, when she wasn’t working she was making something. She was never bored. Instead of sitting around and complaining about that, do something, go write something, go do something for yourself. You know what I mean? And that’s easy to say, like fuck, it’s hard to get movies made. It’s a huge luxury. Who gets to just make movies? That subject is so prevalently everywhere right now and it’s boring.”
In Kristen Stewart’s defense, she does know boring. I mean she’s redefines the meaning of the word with every new performance she does.
And here’s KStew at the Sundance premiere of her movie working a hairstyle that’s messier than her thoughts on gender equality.
When we last heard from Pimp Mama Kris’ fourth tier whore, Rob Kardashian, he had been hospitalized with diabetes and was apparently saying “fuck it” to diet and exercise. But well, it looks like Rob is now burning some calories and getting some exercise by holding up his FUPA as he wet humps on Blac Chyna from the back.
TMZ says that during the past few days, Rob has been spending a whole lot of time with the baby mother of his sister’s gross boyfriend. Blac Chyna used to live next to Pimp Mama Kris’ lair, but she and Rob never sucked on each other’s genitals back then. They only started fucking recently and if you’re wondering what brought these two together, just look at Twitter’s top trending topics to get your answer. (SPOILER ALERT: Blac Chyna is trending on Twatter.) Blac Chyna wanted everyone to know that Future is her past and Rob is now licking Splenda-sweetened lube off of her camel toe, so she queefed up this picture on Instagram this morning:
TMZ conducted an extremely thorough tattoo investigation and matched that tattoo with the tattoo on Rob’s arm.
Since that picture of Blac Chyna cuddling up to her rival’s brother went up on Instagram, Kylie Jenner tagged Rob’s name in a picture of a devil and Khloe Kartrashian tweeted about how you don’t go against the family. Khlozilla later klaimed she wasn’t talking about Rob but was talking about some other family member who pulled out of her shit puddle of a talk show at the last minute. So basically, Rob has moved from the bottom of the fame whore chain to somewhere in the middle since he’s given PMK a storyline she can milk dry. “Sources” have already told E! that the Kartrashians think that Blac Chyna is a succubus skank who is using a vulnerable Rob to get back at Kylie.
Oh please, Blac Chyna and Rob Kartrashian’s union is obviously built on true love and true love only. These dirt star-crossed lovers are the Romeo & Juliet of our time. Although, I’m sure this will end with the Kartrashians unfollowing Rob on Twitter and that’s like much, much more tragic than a double suicide.
And here’s old pictures of the one-time sock mogul’s arm tattoos:
Because sucio ass perverts gotta stick together, R. Kelly said that he thinks it’s really strange that ten thousand zillion women waited a long time to come forward and say that the Pudding Pop Don drugged and raped them. I know, R. Kelly defending Bill Cosby is like Sarah Palin endorsing Donald Trump as president. Now I’m just waiting for Woody Allen and Subway Jared to publicly take their places in Team Pudding Pop.
I don’t know if Ricky Martin’s top took that picture in a “before bottoming” moment or if he took that selfie with his feet. If it’s the second one, he needs to immediately clear his entire schedule and check into the selfie rehab program at Promises. Because that’s a new selfie low.
“I know that I like both men and women. I’m against sexual labels, we are simply human beings with emotional and sexual needs. I am gay, men fascinate me, but I like to enjoy sex in total freedom, so I’m open to having sex with a woman if I feel desire.”
Ricky was asked if he’d ever have a relationship with a woman again and he shook his head no to that one by saying, “Men are my thing.”
Did a drunk bitch transcribe that interview before running it through Google Translate, because what he says doesn’t really make sense. Ricky doesn’t like sexual labels, but yet calls himself a gay man and he calls himself a gay man, but yet says that he’s down for poon. I see Ricky trying to make sure the horny ladies show up to his concerts. But really, I sort of get what Ricky’s saying. I mean, I’m gayer than a yellow rhinestone charm dangling off of a pink poodle’s cock ring, and there’s still a part of me that is Sandsexual, meaning I’d grab the holy water lube and some Lucite dildo heels if Shauna Sand wanted to do me.
Speaking of, here’s the Empress of Lucite and the most gorgeous goddess in the world displaying some grunge eleganza in L.A. a few months ago.