Lena Dunham (seen here serving up some flawless Canary Yellow drunk at the Rainbow Land prom realness) recently admitted to O Magazine (via Page Six) that just like you and I, she’s totally obsessed with reading online celebrity gossip and loves knowing who’s fucking who and who’s a coked-up life mess and who showed up to the Emmy Awards looking like an expensive Sweet 16 cake melting in slow motion. Except unlike you and I (mostly me, since the part of my brain that dispenses fucks broke down a long time ago) she sort of feels guilty about contributing to a culture that drags out-of-touch $900 sweater-hustling snobs and stupid spoiled fame whores for being out-of-touch $900 sweater-hustling snobs and stupid spoiled fame whores:
“I know that by reading them I’m supporting an industry that hurts people who are making art and putting themselves on the line. Still, all I want to know is who is breaking up with whom and who might be pregnant.”
I sort of agree with Lena. It must be so hard for an ~artiste~ like Goopy Paltrow to create something as important and inspiring as a tutorial on how to make a bed without being afraid that uncultured dum-dum haters online won’t “get it” and tear it to shreds. Or Taylor Swift, who just wants to write sincere heartfelt songs about cunty back-stabbing mean girls without people online picking her apart for being a dramatic rumor-spreading bitch-in-butterscotch clothing. Or Kim Kardashian, who just wants to be a no-talent narcoleptic-faced fame-humping failed porn star hooker without assholes like me calling her out online for being a useless piece of trash. How rude!
I know Lena Dunham thinks it’s shitty to throw online shade at celebrities, but really, I bet if I asked her to name the last 3 pieces of “art” a gossip staple like Lindsay Lohan has made, she’d be like “Uh…well…okay, you got me there.“
Every J. Jill-wearing, Dodge Caravan-driving, Army Wives-watching, 40-something mom who puts on Coldplay when she really wants to rock out and puts on John Mayer when she wants to feel the flutters down below IS so jealous of Jennifer Lawrence right now. They just want to drop their Walmart plastic cup full of boxed pink wine and curse that bitch’s name. Because not only are John Mayer and Chris Martin battling for the title of “the most played singer in a gynecologist’s waiting room,” but they’re also battling it out for Jennifer Lawrence’s heart. Tonight, moms will take to the streets and burn their kids’ DVD copies of The Hunger Games!
A source tells Hollywood Life (I know, I know) that John Mayer’s David Duke dick has had a hard-on for Jennifer Lawrence for a while and he doesn’t care if she’s currently bumping wet parts with Goopy’s leftovers. He’s trying to do whatever it takes for her to make him her full-time piece. Apparently, Jennifer Lawrence is open to the idea of John Mayer anointing her twat an official member of the KKK by tapping it with his dick, because she had dinner with him last month.
“John is determined to win Jennifer’s heart. They had a late dinner together at Cecconi’s in West Hollywood on Aug. 29. Chris who? That’s how John feels. It’s not like she’s wearing a ring on her finger and John will continue to try and woo her until she does. He’s not in the least bit set back by the fact that Jennifer’s been out on multiple dates with Chris.”
I’ll only believe this one if we find out that John Mayer’s dick completed Rosetta Stone’s British accent course and can do a totally passable cockney accent. Because I thought Jennifer Lawrence only did British dudes.
E! News says that Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin’s relationship is moving along and the two held hands and “canoodled” while hanging out with his friends at Chateau Marmont last night:
“They seem very comfortable in each other’s company—and happy! It doesn’t seem like it’s a new relationship. They seem super affectionate and at ease with each other. [They] were the center of attention…They seem super cute together.”
If Hollywood Life is spitting out the truth, then Jennifer Lawrence has a really, really hard decision to make. Does she want to become the CDC’s newest sweetheart by regularly screwing on human gonorrhea strain John Mayer or does she want her chochoa to slip into a coma from regularly doing Chris Martin. Decisions…. decisions…
The Dumb Bitch of the Decade award was given to Normal Guy Dave last month when he screwed up and got fired from the easiest job in the world. All Normal Guy Dave had to do was hold Brit Brit Spears’ Starbucks, take her out every week for an ultra romantic dinner at the Cheesecake Factory, rub her tummy while she tried to poot out an Arby’s-induced ass queef and not tell her what happens when she screams, “Don’t tell me what happens!”, while watching Frozen for the 400th time (it’s the only movie Daddy Spears lets her watch). Easiest paycheck ever! But the sad excuse for a gold digger kissed that easy check goodbye when he allegedly dipped his dick into the twat of porn star Cali Lee. And now Brit Brit’s lawyers are trying to slap a muzzle on Cali Lee’s mouth.
Any trick who rudely interrupts a topless Alan Cumming dry humping a Kit Kat dancer while singing in a German accent should be thrown into a windowless, concrete jail cell where they’ll have to spend every waking second wrestling with the fact that they ruined Cabaret for EVERYBODY. Bitch should be sitting all alone in his
room cell. But since the US justice system is about as twisted and wrong as Shia LaDouche’s soft-boiled huevos in Spandex leggings, that didn’t happen to him. Shia cut a deal and in exchange for a guilty plea, he got six months of booze rehab. Shia has already done 3 months of outpatient rehab, so he only has 3 more months to go. Once he’s done with rehab, he can withdraw his guilty plea and the case will be thrown out. ABC News says that Shia pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct in a court room in Manhattan today and he and the judge had this little conversation:
“Are you pleading guilty because you are guilty?” Manhattan Criminal Court Judge Diana Boyar asked, a standard question in such pleas.
“Yes, your honor,” LaBeouf said.
He declined to comment as he left court encircled by news cameras.
Now that that’s done, will detectives and prosecutors please investigate, arrest and prosecute the little girl who loudly talked and kicked the back of my chair all through act 1 of The Little Mermaid on Broadway a few years ago? She is guilty of disorderly conduct and assault, and she ruined my entire night and mostly because every time she kicked the back of my chair, I realized that I paid actual money to see The Little Mermaid on Broadway. She repeatedly kicked the sad truth into me and it wasn’t fun.
I’m assuming that dude behind Shia isn’t Shia’s lawyer. If it was, the judge would’ve rejected the plea deal, thrown the case out and let Shia go without punishment, because you always side with the big guy in a tiny hat.
When How I Met Your Mama Je’e ended a few months ago, many bitches who watched that shit considered suing CBS for all the hours upon hours they wasted watching a show whose ending was a pile of Dying Young shit. I guess most wanted a happy ending and instead they got a crap version of A Walk To Remember. After the finale aired and the fans lost their shit about how Ted ends up with Robin, CBS quickly said that they shot an “alternate ending” that will be on HIMYM’s series box set (out later this month). That was just CBS pulling everyone’s dick, because you know they didn’t shoot an alternate ending. When the fans revolted, they quickly brought everyone back together and shot a different ending to make their fans happy. Take note, True Blood.
So above is the “plan B” ending which is happier and shit. Can we all go on with our lives now?
But you know, HIMYM shouldn’t have even gotten a proper finale. It should’ve just ending abruptly. No show should ever get a proper finale. My favorite show of all-time Footballers Wives ended without getting the grand finale it deserved (and no, that spoof doesn’t count) and sometimes I still wake up wondering if Tanya Goddamn Turner died in that back room. Footballers Wives didn’t get a proper finale so no show should get a proper finale ever!
The Fappening is still happening, and today alleged pictures of Hilary Duff’s chichis and pubes made the rounds on the Internet. The pictures pretty much show everything from nipples to Hilary’s Clitty McGuire (wait until I finish this post and then you can GONG me for that). But Hilary’s rep tells TMZ that they’ve thoroughly examined the pictures (I bet they did) and in their expert opinion, it’s not her naked body. Even though the pictures aren’t of her, she contacted the FBI to let them know that those pictures aren’t of her. TMZ put it like this:
We’re told … Hilary has very “defining birthmarks” and recognizable tattoos … that do not appear on the woman in the new photos. One of the tattoos is an anchor on the inside of Hilary’s left ankle that she’s had for years … but again, it doesn’t show up in any of the pics.
We’re told they’ve forwarded the links to the FBI … and anyone who publicly states the pics are of Hilary is “going to meet legal recourse.”
File “contact the FBI to tell them about fake pics” under: HUH?
But I totally believe Hilary Duff. Hilary Duff spends 24 hours of her day walking to and from her car, so she has no time to take pictures of her naked body. If the naked body isn’t walking to a car in those pictures, then it can’t be Hilary Duff. Case closed.
Here’s Hilary Duff walking to her car on Wednesday.
Tom Brady is on the cover of Man of the World (via People), but the verbal fart bubbles he dribbled out to the magazine sound like they came straight out of Toddler of the Playpen Monthly. Tom tells the magazine that he always wants attention from Gisele Bundchen and when she doesn’t give him the attention he wants, he goes full Bieber by whining and throwing a tantrum as their two little kids throw a side-eye that says: “Will you idiotic bitches grow up and get on our maturity level already?” The overgrown man child spat this up to MOTW:
“I like attention from her, so when I’m not getting it I let her know in immature ways, like a young, immature child would. You throw fits and you pout and you whine until you get what you want.
She’s on to me, she knows all of my tricks. So now I have to learn new tricks.”
And suddenly, just like that, Bridget Moynahan doesn’t feel so bad about Tom Brady dumping her ass for a supermodel while their unborn baby was growing in her uterus. The sound of a bullet whizzing by Bridget Moynahan sounds exactly like Tom Brady wailing as his big fists pound on the floor.
Tom continued to paint his marriage with colors of maturity and healthiness by saying that Gisele is always nagging him, but that’s okay, because wimmuns always be nagging. That’s what they do:
“I’m a guy, what doesn’t she get on me for? That’s just what wives do.”
Tom was talking to Men of the World Magazine, so maybe Tom was mostly joking and thought that the men of the world wanted him to say that wives are nagging bitches and husbands are pouty man babies. But you know, I can totally picture Gisele nagging at Tom to finish his chicken fangers while barbecue sauce is smeared all over his mouth and he screams about how he wants to go outside for splash splash fun in the pool.
If Tom was being serious, then somebody should tell Gisele that she can easily shut down every fit that Tantrum Tommy throws. Every time he starts to whine, all she has to say to shut him up is, “Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr., if you don’t stop now, there will be no more slidey times for you!”
Game point: Gis
This is when we realize just how much Robin Williams was a part of our culture, because as I was typing the words “used to be one”, my brain immediately cut to the scene in Mrs. Doubtfire where he pretends to be Elsa Immerman. Oh Robin, I am so so sorry to mention your name in the same post as such arrogant trash.
There were so many insane butt nuggets of insanity in Kanye West’s desposition in the case of him grabbing a pap’s camera and trying to whoop a trick, like claiming he’s a celebrity civil rights leader or that the paparazzi are worse than the Nazis, so it should come as no surprise that some crumbs from Kanye’s crazy would fall through the cracks. For instance, TMZ says that Kim Kardashian’s kurrent husband played the ‘I don’t hate ___ people, some of my best friends are ___!’ card by claiming that he can’t actually hate the paparazzi, because his father once worked as a paparazzi, and added that his parents didn’t raise him to “be out here wrestling with random paparazzi in front of LAX.” Well, I should hope not! I don’t believe Dr. Benjamin Spock ever said anything about the importance of taking your child to the airport and teaching them to fight with photographers.
The last time we saw Jenni “JWoww” Farley, her face definitely looked a little…off. It was sort of like JWoww was wearing a knock-off JWoww mask from Party City that had half-melted in the trunk of her car. It truly was a “Jesus take the wheel, and drive the car as far away from the plastic surgeon’s office as possible, cause this bitch is DONE” moment. Radar also felt the same way, so they talked to a couple of “doctors” (aka Nick Riviera and the staff at Hollywood Upstairs Medical College) to find out what the fuck she’s been doing to her face. And yes, the general consensus was 50-CCs of Fix-A-Flat injections and a whole lot of NO, STAHP.
But the demure silicone mermaid of the Jersey Shore herself says she hasn’t touched her damn face and what you see is 100% all-natural, so STFU and leave her gorgeous melting candle face alone, haters! JWoww took to Instagram (via Daily Mail) to post a sans-fards selfie of what she claims is her real face along with the following sarcasm-dipped message to Radar:
“Very flattered radar online that u think I had all that work done but I’m just a plain jane mom with wrinkles without makeup… But kudos to u and ur site awesome material… Very riveting”
All I have to say is: HARPO, WHO DIS WOMAN?!!?
My brain tells me it’s JWoww, but my heart says this is an imposter. If JWoww looks like this when she’s at home, then why does she look like the Snickers lady’s long-lost daughter when she goes outside? It doesn’t make any sense! Wait a minute..no, it makes perfect sense. Either JWoww is a shape-shifting rubber-faced Werepanther (totally plasusible) or JWoww’s home is experiencing some sort of plastic surgery-based paranormal phenomenon. On the outside of the house, you look like a Botoxed mess, but once you cross the threshold, your face reverts back to its original form. Call Mulder and Scully, I think I’ve solved the mystery!
I felt kind of bad cutting Basement Baby out of the picture, but then I was like, whatever, she’s used to it.
Tina Knowles, the ageless Mogwai goddess who birthed Beyoncé, was leaving lunch in Beverly Hills earlier today when she ran into TMZ. Personally, if I was lucky enough to run into Tina Knowles, I’d ask her a question like: “Do you think The Costume Institute will ever recognize your endless contributions to the fashion world?” or “Did you make Michelle look the worst on purpose?”, but I guess being in the presence of such an avant-garde visionary of neon lace and fringe made them all kinds of starstruck, and their paralyzed brains could only burp out a question about Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s crumbling feta cheese of a marriage. According to Momma Yoncé, things between her daughter and Joe Camel aren’t just fine, they’re PERFECT!
Mama Tina must think we have dirty rhinestone dust for brains, because everybody knows that Bey and Jay’s relationshit (typo that stays) is about as stable as Solange in an elevator. So if she’s going to lie, at least exaggerate a little! Tell us things are so good between Bey and Jay, that they’re looking into an experimental surgery where their lips are fused together so they never have to stop kissing, or they’re planning on recording an album that’s just the sound of them staring into each others eyes, or that Beyoncé is pregnant with ten-tuplets and they’ll all be named Shawn Carter. Come on, have a little fun with it, Mama Tina!