When I was a kid, my friend had this shifty, mean bunny rabbit with pink eyes and every time I put my hand in his cage to pet him, bitch would show his teeth before biting me. I was dumber in the brains then, so I put my hand in his cage several times even though he’d bite at me every time. So thanks, Bob Costas, for opening up that childhood wound by giving me that picture.
Here I was thinking that Bob Costas’ Sochi Olympics pink eye came from him scratching his eye right after fingering a Russian hooker in the butt. But Page Six says that Bob Costas’ pink eye situation was born from botched Botox. Bob Costas wanted to be camera ready beautiful for the Olympics, so before he went to Russia he got shot up with that Nicole Kidman syrup. The bad Botox job didn’t only screw with his eyes, it screwed with his job too, because he had to sit out for a few days. Some source said, “Bob’s eye infection was due to botched Botox. This isn’t the first time he’s had it.”
A spokeswhore for NBC says it’s not true.
I have no doubt that Bob injects crap into his forehead that’s as synthetic as that toupee on his head, but I don’t think Botox does that to eyes. If getting your forehead shot up with suspect Botox gave you pink eye, half of the hos in L.A. would walk around with eyes looking like a cat’s prolapsed anus. That’s just good old-fashioned pink eye and I’m sticking with the hooker b-hole theory, which makes me wonder why Matt Lauer didn’t get pink eye too. Hmm, Matt probably uses finger condoms.
And in that picture, she looks like she’s either relieving the tension in her b-hole or relieving the tension in her vagine, or a little of both.
Jennifer Lawrence didn’t really seem to play the game this award season and she wasn’t out there campaigning hard. She was a no-show at a few award shows and she wasn’t pasting posters all over town that read: Keep It Rill: Vote 4 Jen! I read somewhere that she didn’t want voters to get sick of her and was kind of playing hard to get. But Radar says that Jennifer Lawrence really didn’t want to wrap her hands around her second Oscar, because she was afraid that if she won she’d go from being America’s Favorite Best Friend to being the name that can make a million hos dry heave at the same time. Bitch was afraid she’d be the new Anne Hathaway. So when Lupita Nyongo’s name was announced instead of hers, she queefed out four waves of relief. Radar’s source (Hi, Jennifer Lawrence’s publicist!) put it like this:
“Jennifer said she was so relieved she didn’t win because she didn’t want to go through what Anne Hathaway experienced. She’s very aware that the backlash is already coming anyway. And it wasn’t in a mean way, she was sort of joking because her and Anne are actually friends. But she just knew that if she won the Oscar again it’d be like a target on her back. en was just so happy she didn’t have to do any of the press. She just wanted to drink and celebrate!”
I kind of believe it, because when Lupita won, I could almost feel Jennifer Lawrence exhale. Or maybe that was my liver collapsing from drinking 4 liters of whiskey to get through that circle jerk of foolery. If this is true, it’s kind of funny. There’s Jennifer Lawrence saying to herself, “Please don’t say Jennifer Lawrence. Please don’t say Jennifer Lawrence…,” while they were announcing the winner of her category and later that night Leonardo DiCaprio was saying to himself, “Please say Leonardo DiCaprio. Please say Leonardo DiCaprio,” during his category. Hell, he probably said that the entire night, because he’d take an Oscar for anything at this point.
Leonardo DiCaprio would sex up a non-model over the age of 25 if it meant getting an Oscar. That’s how bad he wants one. And Jennifer Lawrence is wishing one away! I speak for Leonardo DiCaprio when I say: “Fuck you, Jennifer Lawrence! Fuck you! Oh, and can I hold your Oscar for a minute. Can I have a weekend with it? I’ll have it cleaned before I return it. Pleeeease.“
On Oscar night, HuffPo handed their Twitter feed to the humanized bottle of Thunderbird in a wrinkly paper bag we all know as Chelsea Handler and they let her live-tweet through all ten million hours of that foolery. Since Chelsea Handler is Chelsea Handler she twatted out some tweets that offended people. She made a bunch of people reach for their #pitchforks when Lupita Nyong’o won and she used the moment to whore out her new book about her travels through Africa called Uganda Be Kidding Me. (Yes, that title is real. Kenya believe that bitch?)
— Huffington Post (@HuffingtonPost) March 3, 2014
Get it, get it? Uganda is a country in Africa and Lupita grew up in Africa. And when 12 Years a Slave won, she basically echoed her tweet about Lupita.
— Huffington Post (@HuffingtonPost) March 3, 2014
Jennifer Aniston’s tequila shot pourer also joked that St. Angie Jolie adopted Lupita.
Some of HuffPo’s followers didn’t laugh, didn’t like it and wanted to string Chelsea up by her feet and throw rocks at her as all the vodka in her body drained into her head. While selling her book on Good Morning America today, George Stephanopoulos brought up her Oscar night tweets and Chelsea said exactly what you’d expect Chelsea to say about people calling her racist.
“People are mad at me all the time. If was worried about that then I would be spending a lot of time online. I’d rather be a little more productive. I’m not racist. I date a lot of black people, so that would be a difficult thing to explain to them.”
Of course Chelsea’s going to say that she doesn’t have a racist bone in her body since she’s had a few black bones in her body. Of course she’s going to use the good, old, “I’ve had jizz from a black peen on my face! I am not a racist!” excuse. I’m kind of surprised that Chelsea didn’t answer to the hate on Oscar night by tweeting a picture of her with a black peen in her mouth and “#seenotaracist” written in Sharpie on her forehead. And now I hate myself a whole lot more today because I think I just gave Paula Deen an idea.
There was a time when Jessica Alba’s main job was memorizing lines before saying those lines in front of a camera while giving off the emotion of wet corn starch, but nowadays she mostly spends her time Instramming and talking mom stuff to magazines who put her on their cover for some reason. During an interview with Redbook, MiserAlba talked about riveting shit like buying used furniture on Craigslist and then the interviewer brought up the whole “parents kissing their kids on the lips” thing. The interviewer told MiserAlba that some parents are against kissing their kids on the lips and that shocked her for some reason, which shocked the interviewer, because up until then they probably thought her only emotion was “……..”
MiserAlba on how she’s a normal because she buys stuff on Craigslist: “I bought my hot pink desk off Craigslist. I have a problem. I love vintage furniture, and refurbishing is one of the most eco things you can do. I also got a couple of cool chairs and Danish mid-century credenzas off of Craigslist.”
MiserAlba on how it’s weird when she’s hanging out with her mom friends and the paparazzi she texted shows up: “It’s weird when we’re doing normal mom things and there’s paparazzi around. That’s the only thing that makes everyone uncomfortable.”
MiserAlba on how some moms and dads don’t kiss their kids on the mouth: “Really? Why?! It’s your baby. People allow dogs to lick at their mouths.”
Excuse you, MiserAlba, but I’m not one of those people who lets my dog French my lips. Ever since I saw him in a disturbing light, and by that I mean I watched him pull his head out of a pussy butt bakery (aka a litter box) and a freshly baked cat cookie (aka you know what I’m talking about) was in his mouth, I will only greet him by shaking his paw and giving him a Christian side hug. Or maybe he’s the one who will only shake my hand and give me a Christian side hug after finding out where my trash mouth has been. It’s probably a little of both.
When I was a kid, my mom would barely kiss me, because it was hard for her to do it while I was dramatically flailing around and screaming, “EW! GROSS! SICK!” But personally, I think a parent kissing their kid on the lips is okay. It’s normal! One of the only times it’s not okay for a parent to touch lips with their kid is when the mom’s name is White Oprah, the daughter’s name is Lindsay Lohan and while drunkenly hanging out in a club, the mom licks coke off of the daughter’s lips because she doesn’t want any of that good stuff to go to waste. Giving innocent people the non-stop dry heaves is wrong and never ever okay.
And here’s Jessica Alba and her brother looking like TweedleMess and TweedleMessier while smiling (she smiles!) in NYC yesterday.
That dancer is making the same “Meh – it’s a living” face that every creature on the Flintstones makes when Fred forces them to do some degrading shit, like opening his beer with their teeth. But I’m clearly reading her a-check-is-a-check facial expression wrong, because according to an interview given to Ronan Farrow and MSNBC (via Us Weekly) Miley Cyrus thinks twerking her chicken-fried coochums all over their heads makes them feel empowered:
As for the claims that she’s exploiting little people? Cyrus said she doesn’t worry about that. “No, because we’re making them feel sexual and beautiful,” she explained. Citing one of her female little person dancers, the “Wrecking Ball singer explained: “We’re all about lifting her up and making her feel so sexy all the time, and having her dance — she’s actually an awesome dancer.”
Farrow also interviewed one of Cyrus’ former backup dancers, Hollis Jane, who recently spoke out about feeling “degraded” while wearing a bear costume at the singer’s 2013 VMAs performance. Jane said she’s not blaming Cyrus, but explained: “Little people need to stop being seen, in my opinion, in the media as jokes.”
Praise be to Miley Cyrus for discovering little people’s sexuality! Before Miley, little people were forced to live like asexual starfish, and intercourse was limited to procreation. But now, thanks to Saint Miley of the Little People, they can do sexy stuff with their bodies! Quick, somebody tell Dr. Jennifer Arnold and Amy Roloff they’re no longer imprisoned by their mom jeans and polo shirts; go put on an uncomfortable vinyl catsuit and fake hump a plastic hot dog. You’re free now!!
You could watch Sarah McLachlan’s ASPCA commercial 40 times on repeat while flipping through the photo album containing pictures of your cat who ran away when you were 8, and it still won’t be as depressing as this picture of a dead-inside Kim Kardashian being given to her client of the evening by Pimp Mama Kris. “Here you are, Mr. Lugner: this is my bottom bitch, Kim. Kim likes long walks on the ho stroll and short marriages. Smile, trick! Show ‘em why you’re worth that $500,000. Half a million dollas make a Pimp Mama holla, so clickety clack, bitch, clickety clack!”
Ever since Kim arrived in Vienna as business tycoon Richard Lugner’s date to the ultra-fancy Vienna Opera Ball, its been one Botox-injected mess after another. Despite being paid $500,000 for her appearance, Kim bailed on an afternoon with her host and went to get Schnitzel with PMK instead (is ‘Schnitzel’ the street term for ‘injections’ in Austria?) to which Lugner claimed Kim was being “annoying”. Then shortly after arriving to the Opera Ball with Lugner and PMK, TMZ is saying that things got half a million times worse when Lugner started getting aggressively handsy with Kim, and encouraging her to ditch her security detail. And Pimp Mama Kris never stepped in to protect her ho by telling Lugner to respect the merchandise? Damn, that’s ice cold. Pimps everywhere just sucked their teeth at Kris for putting shame in the pimp game.
Later on, as Kim was taking pictures with Lugner (and that vile snake Kris was in the pimpmobile counting her money) a man approached Kim in blackface pretending to be Kanye West. It would have been funnier if someone had approached her dressed as a urinal cake (“We’re both made of a blend of toxic chemicals and we’re famous for letting people pee on us! Har har har”) but I guess Kanye Blackface Guy didn’t have a ton of time to prepare and just chose the most offensive thing he could put together that didn’t involve dressing up as Ray J’s dick.
Finally, Kim pulled a Half Baked and walked out carrying the remaining shred of our dignity after a guest approached her asking if she’d dance with him if the orchestra played “N****rs in Vienna”. Sadly, she had to find her own ride home because Kris had fallen asleep on a pile of blood money in the back of the pimpmobile.
Here’s more of Kim at the Vienna Opera Ball before everything turned to shit (well, a looser, smellier shit). Leave it to Kim to show up to a fancy black-tie event in a skirt that shows off her Spanx-wrapped money maker. #suchclassy
If you want to sound like a real pretentious twat, order a Hudson and Bellamy on the rocks at the bar.
People says that the Dollar Tree (yet slightly less insufferable) version of Chris Martin and Goopy Paltrow are on the verge of breaking up and the battery on their relationship has dipped into the red zone and is about to shut down. Dear athletes and British musicians, get your sperm count up by gobbling down all the zinc and folic acids, because Kate Hudson might be on the prowl soon!
Some source tells People that after being engaged for three years, Kate Hudson and Matthew Bellamy aren’t really hanging around each other anymore and they’re spending more and more time apart. Kate and Matthew met at Coochella in 2010 (TYPICAL!) and a year later they were engaged and a few months after that she birthed out their son Bing. Kate also has a son named Ryder with Chris Robinson. People’s source says that they’re trying to work things out, but shit isn’t looking good.
“Kate and Matt have been on the rocks for some time. They’re not in a great place. [They] are still living together. Kate is not giving up.”
UsWeekly echoed People’s story and added that they’re taking time apart to work crap out.
I had a boyfriend who obviously wanted to dump my ass and every time I thought he was going to do it, he’d back out. I never brought it up, because I didn’t want him to break up with me. So, he finally told me we should take a little time apart to thinks about things. We didn’t live together and I only saw his face about once a week. I knew what that bitch was doing. He didn’t want to let go of one boyfriend until he got himself another. It’s like when your job puts you on “probation,” but they’re really just getting your last check ready and holding interviews for your replacement. A shady slut knows a shady slut when he sees one. He wanted to spend “our time apart” clearing his head all over my replacement’s chest and by “his head” I don’t mean the one on his neck. Anyway, I took him up on his offer and he dumped me a month later.
That’s really the only thing I have to add to this story. Oh, I have one more thing to add. Maybe Matt wants to take a little time apart, because every time he does see Kate Hudson she has a new face and it confuses him. Here’s Kate at a BVLGARI event in West Hollywood two nights ago and the HELL is her face? Is it a sneaky wombat trying disguise itself as a cat? Is it a dwarf who’s making some money on the side by working as a JLo impersonator? Maybe her hair is pulled really, really tight. Maybe if she undid that bun, her face would fall back into its original position. Yeah, probably not.
Those hedgehogs were that close to Katherine Heigl and they didn’t bite her finger off or fart in her face. Humanity and the entire hedgehog community are disappointed with them.
The extra slimy phlegm ball stuck in humanity’s esophagus we all know as Katherine Heigl shot an indie movie recently called Jenny’s Wedding, which is about a lesbian who comes out to her conservative family when she decides to marry her girlfriend. It also stars Tom Wilkinson and Alexis Bledel. They already finished shooting it, but the producers need a pile of cash to complete it. On February 11th, they took their Styrofoam change cups over to Indiegogo and shook ‘em for donations. That shit ain’t no Veronica Mars, because their goal is $150,000 and so far they’ve gotten just a little under $33,000 with 31 days to go.
During her Grey’s Anatomy days, bitch couldn’t take a piss in a toilet without at least $1,000 cash dropping out of her cooch. Heigl had money coming out of everywhere. So a lot of hos (including this ho) wondered why Katherine couldn’t just reach up into her ass, move the stick to the right a bit, grab a stack of money behind it and use that shit to fund the rest of her movie. The quick answer is: Because she’s a bitch. But Katherine told TMZ (via UsWeekly) at LAX the other day, that her checking account isn’t filled to the top with gold bars like in the glory days of her career and she has to feed her family. When TMZ’s cameradude asked Heigl why she doesn’t front the cash herself, she laughed and shat this out of her whine hole:
“I haven’t made that much in the last few years, man. I gotta support my family.”
Bitch, doesn’t everybody have to support their family? What she means by that is she’d rather use the $150,000 to shoot her face up with more fillers. Bitch’s got support her face.
The not-really-reliable Celebrity Net Worth says that Phlegm Sound is worth $18 million and she is getting that Zzzquil money, but her last two movies were huge flops and she hasn’t booked another big movie, because people would rather get a blow job from a garbage disposal than work with her.
You know, the organizers of that the Jenny’s Wedding funding campaign went about it the wrong way. If you donate $15,000, you get the wedding dress that Katherine Heigl wore in the movie. Who wants that shit? The only reason to buy a dress that Heigl wore is to use it in some kind of voodoo ceremony to curse her (everybody in Hollywood just collectively bought it). What they should’ve done is promised to wire Katherine’s jaw shut when they reached $150,000. They would’ve had enough cash to fund Jenny’s Wedding, Jenny’s Divorce, Jenny’s Second Wedding, Jenny’s Second Divorce, Jenny’s Custody Battle and Jenny’s Funeral.
We all tipped over with SHOCK! yesterday when Paula Patton announced that she’s totally done with licking up random snatch juices off of Robin Thicke’s lips when she kisses him hello. I figured that when Paula Patton told Alan Thicke’s son that she’s done with his ass, he temporarily took his mouth of off his side piece’s snatch, shrugged and put his mouth back down. But a source tells TMZ that Robin canceled a show and flew his ass from Atlanta to Canada to get Paula to change her mind. It’s kind of impressive how “a source” (aka Robin’s publicist) found time to talk to TMZ in between dropping piles of cash into all of his side piece’s lap so they won’t run off and sell their stories to Life & Style.
The sources tell TMZ that after fighting all the time, Paula told Robin on Friday that she wanted to Give It 2 Him and by “it” she meant a separation. Paula’s in Vancouver shooting a movie and Robin was so desperate to change her mind that he canceled his concert in Atlanta and ran his ass over to her to beg her to stay. After talking it out, Robin realized that Paula was as stuck on breaking up with him as his finger was stuck up that slutty raccoon’s ass. Robin gave in. That made Paula sad and it made Robin sad and as they both made a frowny face, his dick made a happy face, because it knew that the games were only just beginning.
Well, you could say that this is Robin’s not-so-subtle way of trying to make himself look like a loving and caring husband who tried to make his marriage work instead of taking a Crisco shower before throwing his body on a pile of naked groupies.
But these two messes have been together for 20 years since they were 14 and 16. I can’t imagine still being with my little ass boyfriend. I got my first ~real~ boyfriend when I had just turned 18 and if I was still with him today, our relationship would make Paula and Robin’s relationship look like the true definition of healthy and functional. I mean, I troll his Facebook page from time to time and he has liked both Lands’ End and CROCs (I’m not making this up). If I had to go out with my boyfriend while he was wearing a blue fleece pullover and matching CROCs, I’d have to inhale all the coke and dick to deal.
Oooh, Justin Bieber just got the fear. Now that Chris Brown is back on the streets, Tantrum Toddler is no longer the baddest boy on the block anymore. Whipping down the street on your Big Wheel and egging houses? Puh-lease. Chris Brown’s gonna school you on how to really egg a house. And by ‘egg a house’, I mean ‘beat someone till you’ve been charged with felony assault‘.
Or maybe those 90-days of court-ordered anger management rehab have rubbed off on him and he’s traded in his bad boy ways for building bird houses and tying knots with his scout troop. I mean, the cynical realist in me says he’s not, but according to Hollywood Life, the sorry slug of a human we call Breezy has emerged from rehab as beautiful, gentle butterfly. Here, hold out your hands so I may distribute several grains of salt:
“He’s back home now and he feels good about it,” a source close to Chris tells Hollywood Life exclusively. After Chris left rehab, he headed to a music video shoot, where he broke out some impressive moves for his new single, “Loyal.” His closest friends then welcomed him back home with open arms.
Now the next step for Chris is to take what he was taught in anger management rehab and apply it to the real world. “He’s trying to take what he learned with him about his anger and relationships with women and his mother and use those skills to make his relationships better,” the source insists.
I don’t want to believe that Chris Brown is a changed boy (I refuse to use the word man) but he did recently Instagram a picture of himself at a benefit dinner and it wasn’t a picture of his fist making contact with the face of one of the two other guys sitting beside him, or him smashing the shit out of the table while flipping everyone off, so…baby steps? What if rehab actually worked and he’s no longer a violent lizard? Hahaha, I know; that’s like saying “Maybe Kim Kardashian is ready for a quiet life of privacy“. But for the sake of trying to be a good person, I sort of hope he has put his Street Fighter ways behind him so we can get back to focusing on what truly matters: the shitty, shitty music he makes.