Lately, you may have seen Chelsea Handler’s nipples more than you’ve seen your own, because she has splattered them all over Twitter to fight against Instagram’s anti-nipple policy. Chelsea does have a point, because I saw a topless picture of David Mcintosh on Instagram yesterday and his tits are bigger than hers. Chelsea’s been flashing her chichis more than John Travolta on Mardi Gras night in the Scientology bathhouse and she wants everyone to think she’s protesting for the #FreeTheNipple campaign. But a source tells UsWeekly that the real reason she keeps getting topless on Twitter is because she had her chichis lifted higher and wants to show them off.
The former E! host, who recently turned the big 4-0, had the surgery done because she was “stressed about looking saggy,” an insider tells Us.
“She is obsessed, so she keeps posting,” the source explains of all those topless snaps.
I don’t blame her. If I had my b-hole steamed, bleached and plumped up with fillers, I’d show it off on a billboard and in a public access commercial. But Chelsea quickly slapped that story down with her tits by saying on Twitter that many men have touched her chichis but a plastic surgeon wasn’t one of them. To prove that her chichis haven’t been touched by a plastic surgeon’s scalpel, she tweeted another picture of her bare chichis. The uncensored pic is after the cut because chichis.
Leonardo DiCatchAHo doesn’t really release statements about his personal life, because if he shat up a response every time the tabloids said he was rubbing his sex parts on a new trick, he’d have to hire a 10-person PR team since he’s always rubbing his sex parts on a new trick. But after TMZ posted pictures of RiRi and Leo standing next to each other at her birthday party and said that they were close all night, his rep told The Los Angeles Times in a statement that he is one hundred percent single and has been single for months.
A rep for DiCaprio told the Los Angeles Times that the actor “is single and has been for some time,” adding that he’s “been focused shooting” Oscar-winning director Alejandro G. Inarritu’s adventure drama “The Revenant” in Canada “for months.”
As Lainey points out, Leonardo kept his lips shut when it was rumored that he did sex with Miranda Kerr while she was still married to Orlando Bloom. So Lainey thinks he might not want people to think that he’s dating RiRi full-time and might be embarrassed. Um, the only thing Leonardo should be embarrassed about is that wombat’s ass on his face. It was reported that RiRi and Leonardo are keeping it casual (aka are just fuck buddies who toke and bone), so maybe he is technically single. Or maybe TMZ is right and RiRi is a stage 10 clinger and this statement is Leo’s way of letting her know that he’s Leonardo DiCatchAHo and his dick is tied isn’t tied down to any one cooch.
Whatever the case may be, every Victoria’s Secret executive just pulled themselves off of the puddle of tears they made and smiled for the first time in weeks, because there’s a chance that Leo will start humping a VS Angel once again.
Finally, There’s Photographic Proof That Leonardo DiCatchAHo And RiRi Have Stood Next To Each Other At A Party
After weeks and weeks of rumors that RiRi’s coochie is eating up Leonardo DiCatchAHo’s dick fromage, TMZ says that they have picture proof that she’s boning his Orson Welles-looking ass.
So far, we’ve just had story after story of how RiRi’s punane is touching the peen that has touched a thousand model vaginas. They have never been photographed together and some were starting to think that the whole relationship was some kind of fanfiction that the tabloids shat up. But TMZ says that RiRi and Leonardo have been fuck buddies for about 3 months and that they’re keeping it casual. At RiRi’s birthday party, which Leo threw, the two of them got into some public displays of ”getting cozy” and that she’s the one who seems more hard up. A source (Hi, Lukas Haas!) tells TMZ that there were dozens of hos at RiRi’s party, but the only ho she wanted to spend time with was Leo.
We’re told Leo is affectionate enough — they engaged in plenty of PDA — but he could barely get a moment to himself. As one source put it, “she’s the baddest bitch in the party, but she’s following him everywhere.”
Getting a case of stage 10 dickmatization over Leonardo circa 2003, okay, but current day Leonardo?! I mean, her chocha probably coughs up beard fleas after he eats her out and she’s still swooning over him? File that under: You know you’re dickmatized in a serious, serious way when…
And here’s TMZ’s proof that these two are rubbing genitals:
Leonardo DiCaprio & Rihanna — First Photo!! Banging, But It's a Little One-Sided http://t.co/lv0FWYeU8S
— TMZ (@TMZ) March 2, 2015
They’re standing next to each other while she lights what is probably a blunt so that obviously means they’re fucking. But are we even sure that’s Leo? I mean, it could be Jonah Hill or maybe that hobo who is always outside of my Fresh and Easy and tells me I’m going to hell every time I don’t give him money. I know, he needs to tell me something I don’t know. With that said, RihNardo are the couple that random burped up and I am here for that.
A couple of days ago, Movie Plot wrote a piece about how there’s a rumor that Michelle Rodriguez will play the Green Lantern in the Justice League movie. So, while outside of a restaurant in L.A. last night, a TMZ cameradude asked Zac Efron’s former strap-on dom if it was true she’s going to play The Green Lantern. Michelle, who isn’t the one to turn down a job unless she really thinks Hollywood is going to keep shitting up those Fast and Furious movies forever (which those evil doers probably will), laughed at the rumor. Michelle thinks it’s the dumbest thing she’s ever heard of and the whole “diversity in Hollywood” thing just makes her go ugh. Michelle is sick of all you “minority” actors blatantly stealing white people’s superheroes. Get your own!
“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. I think it’s so stupid for like, because of this whole ‘minorities in Hollywood’ thing. It’s so stupid. Stop stealing all the white people’s superheroes. Make up your own. What’s up with that?”
1. I’m no comic book nerd, but even my not-knowing ass knows that several of the Green Lanterns aren’t white and one of the first is John Stewart (not THAT Jon Stewart) who is black. Also, Movie Plot said that Michelle might play one of the newest Green Lanterns, Jessica Cruz.
2. I’m sure Hollywood will start making those “original” superhero characters as soon as they finish remaking and rebooting every single goddamn movie at least four times. Hollywood will definitely get on that, because we all know they’re just constantly spitting out original stories.
3. They’re fucking fictional characters!
4. I can’t at her for basically saying that casting Jason Momoa as Aquaman is a stupid idea, because a wet Jason Momoa coming out of the ocean in a scaly loincloth is something that needs to happen to my eyes.
Here’s the video of Michelle Rodriguez spitting out her thoughts before getting into her car:
Um, that guy from TMZ shouldn’t have even asked her that question in the first place. What he should’ve asked is her, “Michelle, how many fingers am I holding up?”
UPDATE: Michelle threw up a video on Facebook where she clarified her words as her pussy cleaned itself next to her. What Michelle says she meant is that Hollywood needs to stop being lazy bitches and instead of turning a dude superhero character into a lady or making a white superhero black, they should create new characters. She thinks it’s time to stop trying to fit a different culture into what’s already there. She also burped up something about writing our own mythology. Michelle Rodriguez going on about mythology will make sense to you as soon as you see the vape pen lying on her chest.
And here’s Michelle giving you Chico’s Kind of Day messiness at the 3rd Annual Noble Awards yesterday.
In case you didn’t already know from Jada Pinkett-Smith reminding us over and over again, she and her husband Will Smith are hot-blooded, horny heterosexuals who are always having hot, p-in-v sex all over the place. It’s a damn shame that fucking in public is against the law, because if it wasn’t, Jada’s other lips would be on Will’s mouth in that picture and her tongue would be giving his dick head a sloppy bath. They always want to be having hot hetero fuck times with each other. The only way Jada can get through breakfast is if she pictures her Cheerios as Will’s puckering b-hole and the only way Will can get through lunch is if he pictures his ham panini as Jada’s cooch. That’s how much they love having sex with each other. But Jada doesn’t only get the loin seizures from Will sexing on her. She also gets it while watching him have fake movie sex with other chicks. And the door to those “open marriage/swingers” rumors just opened up again.
At the Los Angeles premiere of Focus a few days ago, Tracey Edmonds from Extra asked Will and Jada what it’s like watching each other get naked and faux bone others on camera. Will said that everyone in Jada’s movie, Magic Mike XXL, is naked and he knows, because he watched it at least 40 times and many of those 40 times he watched by himself and uninterrupted, so he knows what he’s talking about. Of course, Jada said that she’s a freak, so she loves watching Will get it on with other women. When asked if she minds, she said, “Nooo, you know after 20 years, I actually… It’s kind of a nice voyeuristic kind of way to see your man, but I am kind of weird that way. But that’s a whole other conversation.”
And that freaky ass Jada went on to say, “Yes, that’s a story for another day, Tracey, and let’s make that another day this Saturday night. I’m having a little slumber party slash clam bake. Just bring yourself!”
Despite the fact that she looks like she was made in a lab using DNA from one of the lady mice from Cinderella and a teacup Yorkie, Anna Kendrick would like you to know she’s not as adorable as you might think. “Impossible!” just said the creepy dudes who keep sending her jewelery in the mail. During an interview with Net-A-Porter’s The Edit (via Uproxx), Anna was asked if one of the reasons she keeps it so real on Twitter is because she wants to come across as a real, normal person, she replied:
“I guess, maybe. It feels dishonest to me to let anybody in the world think that my farts smell like lavender, or something.”
Somewhere in a giant pizza-scented castle in Malibu, America’s fart-sniffing sweetheart Jennifer Lawrence just got very nervous that someone might be coming to snatch her crown. “Using farts to appear down-to-earth is MY THING, bitch!”
She also talked about how she’s looking forward to the kind of roles that would make Jenna Maroney dry heave before slapping her agent in the face:
“I know that things will be more complicated as an older actress, in ways that I can’t anticipate, but I would really enjoy getting to the point where the reason I’m getting roles or not isn’t based on if somebody thinks I’m hot enough. I feel like I’ve always been a character actress, and this is a blip in my career where I’m playing the ingénue. I’ll be a lot more comfortable and get excited when I’m playing women who aren’t supposed to be pretty.”
Well, I hope she’s good on her feet, because if she wants any of those old lady roles in the future, she’s going to have to fight Meryl Streep for them. Meryl Streep will live forever. Here’s more of Anna Kendrick in The Edit looking like a bored ballerina:
On December 28th, Lance Armstrong pulled a classic Lance Armstrong when he crashed into two parked cars with his SUV while driving home from a party in Aspen, CO and got his girlfriend Anna Hansen to agree to take the blame for him. Anna tried to work things out with the cars’ owner by agreeing to pay for the damages, but he called the cops anyway. Anna later told police that she lied about driving, because she’s sick and tired of the evil media dragging her angelic man’s pristine reputation through a puddle of bull diarrhea. I could see where she was coming, because if we all found out that Lance (probably drove drunk and) crashed into parked cars, his image as an upstanding pillar of truth and integrity would be damaged forever!
The Associated Press says that dumbass Lance pleaded guilty to careless driving. Lance sent in his plea by mail. The case is now closed and he doesn’t have to show his face in court. If Lance pleaded not guilty and the case went to trial, he could have gotten up to 90 days in the clink if found guilty. Because he pleaded guilty to careless thinking (Freudian slip and it stays), prosecutors dropped the charges for speeding, leaving the scene and failing to report an accident. Lance just has to pay $238.50 in court fees and a $150 fine. He also has to pay to fix the cars he hit.
Add that $388.50 to the $10 million Lance has to pay a sports insurance company for lying about doping up. Lance Liestrong is reportedly worth over $100 million, so $10,000,388.50 is probably not going to bankrupt him, but he should still keep his mouth shut, stay inside and sit on his hands. Because it feels like every time he opens up his crusty lie hole and gets behind the wheel of anything, he fucks up and has to pay fines and shit. If he keeps the foolery up, he’ll run out of money to pay off people and fines and will have to get a job selling tricycles at Big Lots. (“Um, no, we don’t hire lying bitches, thankyouverymuch!” – an official spokesperson from Big Lots)
Seen above looking like an apathetic greasy teenage elf raver runaway, Kristen Stewart recently gave an interview to Patti Smith for Interview, and she admitted something I never thought I’d hear anyone associated with the Twilight franchise would ever admit, let alone Kristen Stewart: that she’s not just proud of the Twilight movies, but that she’s “fucking proud”. Literally every neurologist across the country just told their assistants to clear their schedules because “the mopey girl from Twilight clearly needs a brain scan.”
Seth Meyers interviewed living and breathing American Girl Samantha doll Allison Williams at the 92Y last night and the first thing he asked her about was her dad Brian Williams, because besides getting her ass eaten on HBO, that’s the only thing people want to her hear talk about. Seth asked Allison how her family and her dad are doing after he got suspended for six months without pay for lie-telling on camera. I don’t know what Seth expected her to say. It’s not like she’s going to say, “He’s a liar and he has ruined my life.” If Seth wanted that kind of answer, he should’ve interviewed me about my dad. Of course, Allison defended her dad and said that we can all trust him.
Justin Bieber Says He Couldn’t Complete Any Of His Community Service Because He Busted His Foot Playing Soccer
When itchy butthole Justin Bieber was caught egging his neighbor’s house like a punk toddler back in January of 2014, he was sentenced to 12 anger management classes, 5 days of picking up trash and cleaning up graffiti, and paying $80,900 in damages. He has currently completed 9 out of the 12 anger management classes and paid the cash, but he hasn’t done anything about his community service. My guess is because he was too busy shooting diaper commercials and/or he thought he was too good for picking up trash (ironic, really). But according to his lawyer Shawn Holley, it’s because baby had an owie on one of his feetsies that prevented him from getting it done.
TMZ says Shawn Holley spent Tuesday morning in court crying on behalf of her client and explaining to the judge that Justin suffered a foot injury during a soccer game while he was on vacation in Turks and Caicos last month. That sound you just heard was every dad type yelling from the garage “So? Your hands still work, don’t they? Quit your bellyaching and start picking up that trash.”
But technically it might be the truth. Last month, Justin posted a picture of a busted bruised foot to his Shots account. I’ve hidden it after the cut, because it looks like Frankenstein’s boner after taking an expired Cialis (aka weird and gross):