Page Six says that Amber Heard will become the future ex-Mrs. Johnny Depp next weekend when she marries the serial fiancé and Fighting The Hot Grand Champion on his private island in the Bahamas. Can somebody please ask Rachel Zoe how far her kind can fly, because I need to know whether or not I should assume that the Chupacabra is going to get revenge on Johnny Depp while he’s standing at the altar.
A source tells Page Six that 50 guests, including his kids, will watch act 2 of Johnny’s mid-life crisis at his home on Little Hall’s Pond Cay, the private island he bought for $3.6 million after shooting Pirates of the Caribbean in the Bahamas in 2004. Break out the booze and the bad shit. That wedding’s theme is probably going to be Pirates of the CaribbeanHIGH.
The source says that Amber and Johnny chose the weekend of February 7th and 8th, because he’s getting ready to shoot the 10 millionth Pirates of the Caribbean movie in Australia and it was the only free time in their schedules. There’s nowhere on the island for all of Johnny and Amber’s guests to sleep (what kind of cheap ass private island…), so they have to pass out on his yacht named Vajoliroja. You might think that Vajoliroja is Latin for red, swollen vagina, but it’s a made up word. Johnny’s yacht is named after Vanessa Paradis (Va), himself (Jo), his daughter Lily Rose (LiRo) and his son Jack (Ja).
The source (Hi, Amber’s publicist!) also said that Amber’s dress was made by Stella McCartney. The source also said (no, they didn’t) that Amber’s something blue will be her facial expression and her something new will be the 8-ball dangling from her garter belt. Johnny Depp will wear every necklace from a Caribbean gift shop, the entire scarf department of a Lord & Taylor and his usual miserable facial expression of, “Fuck my life.”
And now is the perfect time to remember Johnny’s first wedding to Lori Anne Allison in 1983.
Those razor sharp brows and that Colonel Sanders tie… Now THAT is groom elegance at its finest.
It must be Asshole Redemption Week on Ellen. You’re up next, Charlie Sheen.
Kanye West was on Ellen today to do two things: Show his video for “Only One” and suck on Adidas’ ass lips skin while talking about his deal with them. Between doing that, Kanye talked about his past asshole-ish behavior and he also changed the world by actually smiling! I bet the people in every old castle painting on the planet are smiling too. Kanye told Ellen that one thing he’s learned while being married is how to shut up. Being around a Kardashian will do that to you. They are always talking and nearly everything they say makes you want to barf, so you have to keep your lips firmly shut or you’ll vomit all the time.
Richie Rich’s bratty new-money Canadian cousin Justin Bieber learned a very valuable lesson last Christmas: if you act like a shitty little asshole all year, Santa will put your ass on the naughty list and stuff your stocking full of reindeer turds and dry cleaning coupons. So to make sure he doesn’t get put on the naughty list again this year and ensure that Santa brings him the Pooch Patrol he wants, Justin Bieber is doing everything he can to convince us he’s no longer a lil’ asshole troublemaker, including filming a creepy video (in what appears to be a crawlspace or the bottom of a well or the only room in his clubhouse without a working light) claiming that he’s not a lil’ asshole and he never was – he was just pretending to be a lil’ asshole.
Justin Bieber filmed this video shortly after the Justin Bieber: I’m A Good Boy Now tour made a stop at Ellen for the taping of Ellen DeGeneres’ birthday episode yesterday and a clip of him acting all weird and awkward like a guilty toddler hit the internet. But Justin says he was just nervous because he was afraid people would be at home judging him and he didn’t want to come off “arrogant or conceited”. Yeah, too fucking late.
He also got all ~deep~ by talking about how he’s done “pretending” to be someone he’s not, and that he’s not actually an awful come-to-life canker sore. Basically, the brat that terrorized 2014 was actually just Justin’s interpretation of a brat. According to Justin, the real Justin is “kind and loving and gentle and soft”. I knew it! I knew he was technically still a baby! Here’s lil’ baby Justin on Ellen making strange with Ellen and making me want to barf by talking about his CK baby bits ads:
Ben Foster (seen above giving me douchebag bouncer at a sports bar in Kips Bay) and Robin Wright broke off their engagement to each other last November, because their 14 year age difference became a problem and she felt like he was just way too immature for her ass. That’s what a source told UsWeekly at the time anyway. Well, I guess in the quick minute they were broken up, Ben injected Lindsay Lohan’s blood into his body to speed up his age by 14 years and now he lifts up the seat when he pisses, which means he’s totally matured. Because these two are back together and are promised to be married again.
Ben Foster and Robin Wright (or as Sean Penn calls her, “WHO?”) let it be known that they were rubbing their sex parts together earlier this month when he went to the Golden Globes with her. A source tells UsWeekly that they’re back together, they’re planning to get married and they’re working on their issues, because she thinks he’s a keeper and I’m taking that to mean that the dick is so good it’s worth flying 5 hours for.
“They are fully back together and really happy. Ben is the nicest guy. She knows she has a keeper. There were a bunch of issues before, a lot because of distance and her schedule, but they are working on them. It is worth it to be with a guy like this who really cares about her so much.”
My shoulder joint is held together with duct tape and Old Brown Glue from reaching so much, but let me reach some more. Robin Wright is sort of like an older Charlize Theron to me. She’s a hot skinny blond who is made of ice, is a little scary and will slit your throat with her razor sharp bitch glare if say hi to her at SoulCycle. And Ben Foster is sort of like a younger Sean Penn. He looks like he has the sense of humor of an overworked IRS auditor and gives me “strict stepfather who is always in the garage working on mysterious ‘projects’” vibes. Robin and Sean definitely have a type. I don’t know if Robin and Ben look like they’re doing Charlize and Sean cosplay or if Charlize and Sean look like they’re doing Robin and Ben cosplay.
Here’s Robin and Ben at the Armani Prive show in Paris on Tuesday. Giorgio Armani looks delicious. He’s all silver and golden brown. He looks like a baked potato loosely wrapped in foil.
I know, Goopy Paltrow really should’ve steamed her Apple Maker™ before putting on that crooked labia jumpsuit, because her camel toe looks all wrinkly and disheveled. I mean, if you’re going to anoint your vagina the face of vagina cleaning, then your coochie should always look freshly pressed.
In the near future, you can expect to turn on the TV and see a commercial for Stanley Steemer’s all-new service: vagina steaming! For just the low price of $49.99, a Stanley Steemer (more like Stanley SteamHER) technician will come to your home and steam the toxins right out of your pussy. Call 1-800-STEEEEEEEEEEMER, Stanley Steemer gets your cooch cleaner! You can thank Goopy for that.
Vagina steaming is nothing new. It’s been around for centuries and has been offered in fancy spas here in the US for at least a couple of years. Some say that it helps with menstrual cramps. But Goopy’s poon has discovered it and now she’s really trying to make it happen. A Korean holistic spa in Santa Monica called Tikkun offers up a service where you sit on a fancy toilet and infared and “mugworth steam” rises up into your poon and supposedly cleanses your uterus. It’s the closest thing you’ll get to knowing what it feels like to get bareback fucked by an overheated ghost. The service is called the Mugworth V-Steam, which sounds like a Harry Potter character played by Tilda Swinton.
While wearing a blouse made out of a giant poop Fruit Roll-Up, Kim Kartrashian pimped out her new Super Whore commercial for T-Mobile on Entertainment Tonight in an interview airing today and she shat up words about how she’s been practically taking selfies since she was in the womb and how she and Kanye West are trying to make another living dress-up doll that they’ll ignore when the cameras aren’t around, because somebody has to keep the nanny industry alive. ET’s Kevin Frazier brought up the hottest member of their evil coven of fame whores, Bruce Jenner, and asked Kummy Kakes if he’s going through something. Kevin wanted to, but didn’t straight-up ask, “Listen, bitch, is he transitioning into Sable Colby or what?”
Emily The Strange’s daddy Marilyn Manson has a new album out, so he’s hitting the stroll hard and giving a bunch of interviews. Thankfully for the part of your brain that creates visuals, Marilyn has stopped talking about how he needs to keep his panties during sex and has to bust an orgasm at least 5 times a day. But in an interview with Esquire, MM did talk about why Courtney Love was mad at him, and about the time Big Bird’s voice twin Billy Corgan did him a bro solid by warning him about Rose McGowan. I know, this shit is so 90s. Doesn’t it make you want to put on a black crushed velvet choker and a torn fishnet shirt.
No, Jennifer Aniston is not shoving pie filling from a jar into her mouth hole to keep herself from bawling while listening to “Quit Playing Games (With My Heart)” over and over again after Oscar became the latest asshole to screw with her emotions. As The Hollywood Reporter says, Jennifer Aniston is doing fine! She’s rich, she’s got Justin Theroux and she’s not wearing pants. She’s fine and you shouldn’t believe all the future tabloid covers that will read: “Poor, Miserable Jen In A Tailspin Of Emotions After Getting Rejected Again!”
Seen above looking like she’s taking a really happy shit, Jennifer Aniston did a really, really, long, long interview with The Hollywood Reporter where she talked about having Dyslexia, talking to Brad Pitt and having kids. You know, the usual.
I didn’t think that what Iggy Azalea does is considered hip hop, but she and others do, and she also thinks that she’s the Nelson Mandela of it. Iggy isn’t the first white chick rapper (Debbie Harry and Polly from Teen Witch, anyone?) and she’s not the first (or 20th) rapper to sell millions of albums, but she still thinks she’s changed hip hop and made it more mainstream. Will plastic surgeon please warn patients that sometimes the plastic jelly they inject into their ass can travel up to their brain and eat their sense of reason?
Expert-level cougar Jennifer Lopez appeared on Ellen today to pimp out that movie where she has sex with a barely-legal piece (aka The Boy Next Door), and even though 45-year-old JLo plays a cougar high school teacher, and took her 27-year-old co-star Ryan Guzman to the Golden Globes, AND has a history of banging baby-faced tricks in their 20s in real life, JLo would like you to know she’s not a cougar. Yes, JLo’s down-lows get wet when she glances a dude’s driver’s license and sees a birth date that ends in the years 87 through 94, and her panties drop to the sound of the words “What’s In Living Color?“, but don’t call her a cougar. JLo is NOT a cougar!
“I hate that they have a label for a woman who would date a younger guy. If a younger guy is interested in you, what’s the big deal? What’s the word for the man who’s after younger girls? I’m not after younger guys. If younger guys like me, then that’s one thing. But there’s like guys who just go after younger woman. They have no name. No label. And you can date one person. Label. There’s just a little bit of an imbalance there. Not fair.”
JLo also went on to tell Ellen DeGeneres that she’s not currently fucking Ryan Guzman. You know, unless it would mean a bigger opening weekend for The Boy Next Door. In which case, please clear your schedule for this afternoon JLo, because you’re needed in a totally candid pap shot of you making out with Ryan. We’re thinking in front of the pregnancy test section at CVS, so wear something loose.
And JLo is wrong that there isn’t a word for an older dude desperately chasing after a younger girl; it’s “Johnny Depp“.
Here’s JLo arriving at The Wendy Williams Show earlier today looking like what Ariana Grande will evolve into if Ash Ketchum trains her properly: