Actually, more like, “The Bi-Curious Case Of Benjamin Buttfuckme,” amirite?
“Hollywood insider,” socialite and friend of the Porn Iguana Hesham “Sham” Ibrahim (I know, his nickname is “Sham.” Too easy.) EXCLUSIVELY tells Star Magazine that it’s been known in certain circles for a decade that Brad Pitt also gets hungry for peen and regularly leases dick from hustler sites like Rentboy.com. Sham said that he’s not going to define Brad’s sexuality, but he knows that Brad fucks dudes from time to time. But Sham says that Brad is a picky eater, so to speak, and has sent a hooker away for not being up to his standards.
Sham says that ten years ago, Brad picked out the late porn star Cameron Fox on RentBoy and made plans to meet him at a hotel in Monterey, CA. I guess Brad wasn’t into the goods that Cameron served up, because Sham claims that he sent the dude away. Picky ass Pitt!
“When [Cameron] got there, an assistant met him in the lobby and took him to a room. Sure enough, there was Brad Pitt. Brad took one look at him, gave him a thousand dollars and asked him to leave. Cameron wasn’t as attractive as he appeared to be in his pictures. I guess Brad has picky taste.”
Since Cameron Fox is not with us anymore, he’s obviously not available to say if Sham’s story is lies covered in lies or not. Sham has heard that it’s kind of common for Brad to turn away rented ass, but when he finds a piece he’s into, he has a “routine” he busts out.
“They said he seemed to have the whole scenario pretty much worked out.”
As for Dame. St. Angie Jolie, Sham, who personally knows Brangelina as well as the nose pimple I just popped does, doesn’t think she’d mind since she’s into peen and poon herself.
Okay, but where are the only details any of us care about? I mean, is Brad Pitt a sloppy bossy pig bottom, a flip flop fucker, a BDSM power top or what? When Brad Pitt hires two rent boys, does he say to them, “I want you to Pitt roast me!” Does Brad Pitt’s greasy, cheesy ass get a discount since he’s pre-lubed? I cannot take this story seriously until I get these highly important details. Oh, Star Magazine, to think, I thought I knew you as a highly-esteemed literary journal that cared about uncovering important details like that.
Congratulations, fellow haters! We did it! It’s finally our time. YAY! Okay, that’s enough happy time. Now let’s get back to moaning, groaning, bitching and hating.
Seen above having a moment of reflection and realizing that he’s married now and can’t freely just dive face first into cocktail waitress ass, George Clooney took a break from verbally jacking off his marriage to say that we’re living in a time when it’s in to be a negative shithead. Vulture recently interviewed George, director Brad Bird and co-writer Damon Lindelof about their new movie Tomorrowland and they were asked about Joss Whedon quitting Twitter because he didn’t want to deal with getting caca bombs of hate thrown at him anymore. I guess Damon deals with Twitter hate all the time and during filming, George judged his ass and wondered why he was wasting his energy on that crap. George then went on to say that the internet and social media has allowed bitter bitches to spew shit freely. Why is everyone looking at me?!
Listen, we’re at sort of a cynical time in society. Don’t ever read comments on anything! People can live anonymously, and I honestly think that when they were talking about freedom of speech in 1787, the theory was that you had to own your speech. It had to belong to you, and you actually had to take some responsibility for it. Now you can just sit alone and say horrible things, and it becomes fashionable to be shitty to people. Now people will come up to me, thinking they’re keeping it real, and they say, “I hated you in that last movie!” And I’ll look at them and go, “Well, I think those extra 20 pounds look good on you.” It’s become a much more cynical time, a time when people think it’s fun to only be negative.
So, he hates how asshole-y everyone has become and he responds to the hate by busting out some “Well, well…you’re fat” shit? Oh, George, you’re one of us. Stop fighting it. Now come sit next to me down in my dungeon of cuntiness and let’s throw some hate together. We’ll start with these pictures of you at the Tomorrowland premiere in Valencia, Spain today…
It was my understanding that rich people had pretty much the newest and best things you could ever think of. Automatic hands-free butt wiper? Sure. Gold-plated talking single-use toothbrush dispenser? Why not. But during an interview with fancy rich person magazine Town & Country, legendary eyebrow owner Jennifer Connelly shattered my very limited understanding of rich people by confessing that she recently bought her first computer. Yes, the year is still 2015 and no, you didn’t fall into a wormhole back to 1985.
In response to a joke that people send tweets instead of telegrams now, Jennifer admitted that her husband (sexy ginger Paul Bettany) tweets, but she doesn’t, because:
“I am Miss Analog. I bought my first computer just yesterday.”
According to Jennifer, she was forced to buy a MacBook Air after she smashed the shit out of her iPhone during a ski trip and hadn’t backed anything up. Wait, does she not realize that an iPhone is basically a PopTart-sized computer? Regardless, she also wanted you to know this:
“In college I wrote on an old typewriter.”
Blake Lively just fell in love. Jennifer, prepare to receive a hand-embroidered note on a pressed magnolia petal that says “Oh my god, you have no idea – I’ve ALWAYS wanted to tell people I used to use an old typewriter!”
I don’t know what took Sarah from Labyrinth so long to get a computer. Computers are great – they keep your lap warm if you use them too long. But it was kind of dumb of her to buy a computer now. I’m sure we’re only a year or two away from computers becoming something you implant in your ass crack, which means she’ll have learned how to hide her porn using a system of cleverly-named desktop folders for nothing.
Here’s more of Jennifer Connelly in Town & Country, and I’d like to know exactly what kind of deal she made with the Goblin King, because bitch does not age in the face:
I was going to have an 8th cup of coffee (aka non-organic, peon coffee beans that didn’t come out of the ass of a weasel cat in Indonesia) with a spoonful of Coffee-Mate (aka processed toxic powder), but now I don’t need it! Nothing gives me a quick pick-me-up like reading what Goopy Paltrow has to say about diet and stuff. It’s eyeball calisthenics time!
It was only two years ago when Goopy wrote about how her family is allergic to everything so they stay away from carbs, dairy and chicken eggs and sometimes it leaves their stomachs singing the chorus of Annie Lenox’s Why. But since Goopy is still trying to convince us all that she doesn’t think she’s better than everyone, she has come down from her sky high ivory tower to mingle with us McDonald’s-eating peasants and let us know that sometimes her children eat the same dumpster food we do and it’s okay. During an interview with Women’s Health (via People and UsWeekly), the failed poor person gooped at the mouth about her diet philosophy and also said that one of the keys to living a healthy life is to get her goop hole gooped as much as possible.
If you’ve been looking for a reason to start your weekend drinking early, then you have found a reason in the image of Melissa Rivers, Kathy Griffin and Joan Rivers’ legacy having one big ole’ scat party.
When Kathy Griffin busted out of Fashion Police, she burped up a statement (which Lena Dunham helped write, because UGH) where she basically said that she and the show were like two power bottoms trying to hook up together. They just didn’t work and didn’t connect. Kathy thought the show was too mean and she didn’t want to partake in body-shaming. (Defamer claimed that the real reason why Kathy quit is because E! was getting ready to pink slip her for being a thorn in their taint.) Well, two months after Kathy checked out of Fashion Police, Melissa Rivers has spit out her thoughts. Melissa thinks that Kathy destroyed her mother’s legacy with her exit statement.
Normally when a famous type wins an Oscar, they clutch it and kiss it and stare at it all day long and stick it up their ass just so they can feel closer to it. But not Natalie Portman. Natalie Portman couldn’t give a single floating swan turd about the Oscar she won in 2010. In fact, Natalie Portman recently admitted to The Hollywood Reporter that she isn’t even sure where her Oscar is. Anne Hathaway just fainted, woke up, then fainted again.
“I don’t know where it is. I think it’s in the safe or something. I don’t know. I haven’t seen it in a while. I mean, Darren [Aronovsky] actually said to me something when we were in that whole thing that resonated so deeply. I was reading the story of Abraham to my child and talking about, like, not worshipping false idols. And this is literally like gold men. This is literally worshipping gold idols — if you worship it. That’s why it’s not displayed on the wall. It’s a false idol.”
“You know, there are some people would kill to have one of those little gold idols displayed on their wall” said a sad Leonardo DiCaprio, as he wipes away a tear with the unused acceptance speech he keeps in his pocket at all times.
But gagging over her Academy Award isn’t the only thing Natalie doesn’t have time for. Natalie is currently living in France, and just like how she swatted at all those nasty déclassé American bitches in shorts, she also has words about how much more perfectly cultured people are over there:
“I love that people at dinner want to have a serious conversation – and only a serious conversation. They’ll be upset if you don’t have something interesting happen. I love that my kid wants to go to art museums after school – like, ‘Take me to the Pompidou.’ I love that it’s also not elitist, as it is in New York. You can afford to go to the philharmonic or the opera much more easily because all of it’s subsidized. And there’s a huge culture of cinema there.”
Um, excuse you Natalie, but we have a huge culture of cinema over here too. Example: there’s a movie theater near me that is playing both Showgirls and Striptease this month, AND they sell wine. If that’s not the definition of culture, I don’t know what is.
Last month, Jeremy Renner and Chris Evans apologized for calling Black Widow a slut and a whore during the disastrous and messy press tour for the Avengers: Age of Ultron. Jeremy and Chris were asked by Digital Spy UK what they think about fans wanting Black Widow to hook up with their characters. Grumpy Cat’s face twin said, “I think she’s a slut,” and Chris Evans called her a “complete whore.” After they got dragged through a shit puddle by the Internet and Marvel fans, Jeremy spit out a slightly sarcastic “I’m sooooo sorry” apology:
“I am sorry that this tasteless joke about a fictional character offended anyone. It was not meant to be serious in any way. Just poking fun during an exhausting and tedious press tour.”
Since the Avengers has opened and made a mountain of money, Jeremy can go back to saying whatever the hell he wants. On the same day that Joss Whedon quit Twitter over fans criticizing him for the “sexist” portrayal of Black Widow, Jeremy went on Conan where he threw his previous apology away and continued calling Black Widow a big slut:
“Yeah, I got a lot of Internet trouble. I guess that’s the thing now. I was asked a question, ‘So Black Widow has been linked to Hawkeye, Iron Man, Bruce Banner and Captain America and so what do you think of that.’ I said sounds like she’s a slut. Mind you I was talking about a fictional character and fictional behavior. But if you slept with four of the six Avengers, no matter how much fun you had, you’d be a slut. Just saying. I’d be a slut. Just saying.”
I don’t really know the Avengers, but I thought all of the Avengers (except for Captain America who’s a virgin, apparently) did each other, because there’s really nobody else to do? It’s kind of like how on TV shows the characters are always swapping sex partners, because they don’t have a lot of options? But still, boning only four out of six Avengers does not make one a slut. That’s nothing! Jeremy needs to stop saying that, because it’s offensive to us real sluts and it’s probably offensive to Tony Stark who I hear is the real hussy harlot of the Avengers.
And Hawkeye is probably just bitter, because nobody wants to fuck him. Will one of the Avengers please give Hawkeye some pity ass he can stop.
If you’ve ever sat there watching The Avengers thinking “You know what? I’d really like to see Iron Man return to the sleepy midwestern mining town he grew up in to confront the long-standing resentment he has for his emotionally-distant dying father while a Bon Iver soundtrack quietly plays in the background“, don’t hold your breath. During an interview with EW’s SiriusXM radio show earlier this week, Robert Downey Jr. explained why a low-budget indie movie starring RDJ probably isn’t going to happen any time soon.
In case you were wondering what the hillbilly chipmunk did for attention today, here’s your answer whether you like it or not.
Seen above looking like an extra stoned Macauley Culkin in drag as a 90s era Ani Di Franco at a candy rave, Miley Cyrus took a quick break from turning her body into a living museum for tragic tattoos and spent a piece of her Friday slathering pink dye all over her armpit hair and crotch bush. I barely see any pit hair. That shit looks like a rug burn or a rash. She should’ve added some pink pit weave pieces to really make it luscious.
I’m much more old-fashioned and a little more retro than Miley. I prefer to braid my pit hair and decorate it with gold micro beads. And I prefer to part my pubes in the middle like it’s the hair on the head of an old-timey gentleman.
Miley posted a picture of the finished look on Instagram and I put the full picture after the cut, because I have no idea if a peek of pink pussy hair is NSFW or not.
The meaning of true love stepped out on the ledge today after it found out that Pamela Anderson and Rick Salmonella officially gave an encore performance of their first divorce. But the meaning of true love immediately stepped off of the ledge and crawled back into the window after finding out that Miley Cyrus may be bumping her pork rind poon against Liam Hemsworth’s Australian peen again.
Miley and that Patrick Schwarzenegger twink broke up a minute ago and probably because she temporarily woke up from the good shit-induced haze she’s always in and realized that she doesn’t want to spend another second getting eye humped by Arnold at one of his family dinners. She already has to deal with that at her own house. So she quit Patrick and now UsWeekly says that she’s drying her hillbilly chipmunk tears on Liam’s dick.
Miley and Liam got engaged in 2012. They broke up a year later. But just like a serious case of Herpes that refuses to go dormant, they’re baaaaaack. Some source says that Miley and Liam have been hanging around together (read: rubbing wet parts again).
“They’ve been hanging out in L.A., but only a few people know. Dating could definitely happen.”
Credit 22-year-old Cyrus’ can’t-stop, won’t-stop persistence. Following their September 2013 split, “Liam cut her off, but she would still text him,” adds a second source. “He eventually started answering. They would check in on each other here and there.”
Still, the Australian hunk is proceeding with caution. After all, a Cyrus romance takes twerk. “Liam has rough stories about that relationship,” says the Hemsworth insider. “But he always talks about how fun she was to hang out with and their great chemistry.”
“How fun she was and great chemistry” may or may not be code for “she let him stick the tip in her butt and she always has the best weed.”
I am all for these two being back together. When Miley and Patrick broke up, I braced myself, because I thought she was going to bring on the apocalypse by rebounding with her twin Justin Bieber. But then again, if Miley wants to know what it feels like to fuck Justin Bieber, she’d just rub her pussy against a mirror. It would be more enjoyable and the mirror wouldn’t cry afterward.
And you can tell that Miley is in love again, because she wrote these romantic words of poetry on her Instagram yesterday: