If you just bought a wig made out of splintered straw, a thick black runny marker for your eyes, toothpicks to keep your eyelids open, and a black turtleneck, then I’m going to assume two things. 1. You watched HBO’s The Inventor. And 2. You’re getting a really early jumpstart on Halloween by putting your Elizabeth Holmes costume together.
Elizabeth Holmes is that fallen fauxllionaire who scammed people into thinking she invented Post-Its. Oh wait, no, that’s another deep-voiced lying business woman (no offense to Romy White). Elizabeth Holmes is the Stanford dropout who got some of the country’s richest and most powerful pepaws to invest millions into some $35-printer-from-Staples looking ass machine that was supposed to run up to 200 tests with just one drop of blood. I bet if you put a drop of Elizabeth’s blood in there, it’ll tell you that it’s 100% snake oil. Actually, no it wouldn’t, because that would mean the machine worked, and we all know it didn’t.
STAINS’ shifty human cousin and her company, Theranos, lied about a lot of shit like being able to run 200 tests from one drop of blood, her Husky being a wolf, and some say she faked her Romy voice too. But Elizabeth’s family has used TMZ to defend her against the fake voice truthers, because the sound of her voice is what really matters here. And oh yes, they also defend her against the whole “defrauding investors and putting people’s health at risk” thing.
Duchess Kate officially became a member of the royal family in 2011 after what felt like CENTURIES of her fingers getting callouses on them from holding onto the last step on the ladder while waiting for Prince William to finally put Princess Diana’s ring on it. Duchess Kate fulfilled one of her job requirements by birthing out the future King of England, but for some reason, she’s apparently never done a one-on-one public event with THE QUEEN until today. I was going to say that Kate and THE QUEEN have probably had a few “girls nights” together, but Kate’s idea of a wild night is sipping white wine spritzers while brushing each other’s hair as a PG-13 rom-com plays on the TV, and THE QUEEN would rather do shots with the guards.
Last week, a Kitty Pryde vs. Star-Lord battle was born when Ellen Page tweeted about Chris Pratt spitting out words regarding his Bible cleanse on The Late Show, and called him out for belonging to a church with anti-LGBTQ views. Ellen called for Chris to talk about that, and talked he did, saying that his church accepts all people‘s money and doesn’t turn down a check its back on anyone, the way he turned his back on that old cat he gave away on Twitter.
Amber Rose now makes her money through the almighty money-earning “appearances” and selling shit tea on Instagram, but BK (before Kanye) she stripped to make ends meet–which we already knew about–and now we are learning that she could have been the star in her very own real-life, stripper-themed Breaking Bad. Because Amber revealed that she once tried selling crack, and she doesn’t mean ass crack this time. She means crack crack.
Pictured: Ashley Graham and her husband Justin Ervin during a rare moment of not fucking. Unless… he’s got a side slit in his pants and his peen is really long and covertly made its way to her parts through her dress slit. It does look like she’s going, “oooh!”
Depending on who you ask, the key to a happy marriage can be anything from honesty to communication to patience to separate bathrooms to separate bedrooms to separate houses to separate lives. But if you ask world-renowned marriage and relationship expert Dr. Ashley Graham, she’ll tell you that the key to a happy marriage lies within your crotch. Because how can you and your spouse fight over money or them texting that gutter sludge skeezer from work if your mouths are busy 69ing?
If you looked at that headline and said, “THEM?!?” You had the same response I did. But I guess in the game of dick, 28-year-old Liam Hemsworth and 26-year-old Cole Sprouse (who plays Jughead in Riverdale and was a Disney channel kid star with his twin) have got the coochies of their girlfriends going off like a jackpot siren on a slot machine. Because they’re winners at the dick game, so say their girlfriends.