The Internet shat up approximately three million posts and a thousand think pieces yesterday when pictures of Renee Zellweger’s de-squinted next generation face, which she’s had for about a year, made the rounds. Renee Zellweger became Richard Gere in Sommersby and everyone became Jodie Foster. They looked at her, squinted the way she used to squint and calmly said, “Who is this woman in my kitchen? You are not my Renee Zellweger.” Then we all checked to see if (insert the name of the famous white woman you think Renee resembles) looks like Chase The No Face Cat now since Renee probably ripped her face off and sewed it onto her head.
Because Renee’s squint-free mug took over the Internet yesterday, she spit up a few words about her current look to People. Renee said that you can cancel the search party for the real Renee Zellweger, because she’s still Renee Zellweger. She’s just a happier, healthier and more fulfilled Renee Zellweger. The former Squinty Zellweger thinks all the talk about her current face situation is “silly.”
Taylor Swift, the twee yodeling love child of Vintage Barbie and a grown up Huckleberry Pie, recently did an interview with the Jules, Merrick and Sophie radio show in Australia and Sophie Monk (Never 4get Bardot) asked her what she thinks about critics saying that she only writes songs about dudes she’s dated. Tay Tay of Green Gables stamped that criticism with the VERY SEXIST label and said that haters gonna hate hate hate on her songs about ex-pieces, but yet the likes of jolly ginger Hobbit Ed Sheeran and grenade catcher Bruno Mars never get any shit thrown at them for writing songs about their ex pieces.
“Pfft, amateur slut!” – Wilt Chamberlain’s ghost
The John Mayer of comedians and the huge movie star that never was, Dane Cook, was on Watch What Happens Live last night and that shifty Siamese Cat Andy Cohen played one of those games he plays to get famous types to spill shit about themselves or other famous types. During the game, called Cheese Dane-ish, Andy asked the forever frat boy a question and if Dane refused to spit out an answer, CNN’s Candy Crowley had to fill his mouth with cheese. Since Dane answered every question, he never got a shot of cheese to the mouth, so every groupie who has sucked him off can’t say, “Now he knows how we feel!”
Anyway, Andy asked Dane who the most overrated comedian is and it took him a few seconds before he queefed out, “Gallagher.” Dane’s worst screen kiss was with Kate Hudson because she ate onions beforehand. Typical of Dane to put it on Kate. It wasn’t Kate who stank like onions. It was Dane and it wasn’t from eating onions. Andy’s third question for Dane was about working with his ex-piece Jessica Simpson on Employee of the Month. Andy asked, ”What was the dumbest thing she said on set?” Dane’s answer, “She said one day, ‘Are we making a movie?’”
And for the fourth question, Andy asked the human Summer’s Eve bottle how many groupie chochas have been touched by his Cook cock. His answer is a shock to no one:
“In my younger days, I would say, a few hundred.”
That number seems low, honestly. Back in the Golden Age of Dane Cook, college girls were tingling their clits off over him and he probably couldn’t open his mouth without a tongue going in.
You know, since we’re talking about Dane Cook and sex…. Dane looks like the kind of dude you’d have to hold your breath while making out with because he stinks like barf and beer. He’s probably the kind who burps during oral (giving and getting), farts when he cums and keeps his socks on the whole time.
With that being said, yes, yes I would.
Here’s the clip of Dane on WWHL last night. I see he traded in “fucking groupies” for “fucking his face with Botox needles.”
Zac Efron’s chafed taint is still sore from viciously scissoring with Michelle Rodriguez on a yacht in Italy, but he’s not letting that stop him from getting on a new piece.
At the Dodgers game last month, a bleary-eyed and slightly bloat face’d (Side note: Basically he looked like me the day after Dunkin’ Donuts opened in L.A.) Zac Efron was papped with a mysterious woman (Other side note: “Mysterious woman” is a nice way of saying “non-famous regular“). That same chick was papped again on Sunday when she and Pretty Pretty Princess Zac arrived in Copenhagen, Denmark after flying in from L.A. People ID’d Zac’s new piece as Sami Miró and her LinkedIn profile says that she speaks French, graduated from business school and used to work in business development for a media company. She has yet to update her profile so that it reads: “Current – Zac Efron’s Full-Time Lip Gloss Holder.”
If Sami Miró’s name sounds familiar to you, that’s because just like every other person on the planet she’s e-mailed you at least 20 times to let you know that she’s awaiting your response to her LinkedIn invitation. I’m surprised she has time to go to Denmark with Zac. Shouldn’t she be patiently awaiting your response to her kind invitation?
But seriously, these pictures of Zac with his new piece have me a little concerned. When Zac is driving and he spots a rogue brow hair on his face while looking in the rearview mirror, he immediately pulls the emergency brake, punches the hazard lights button and refuses to drive any further until he’s plucked that bitch out. Zac stops everything when he’s not easy, breezy, beautiful perfect. So it’s suspect to me that he has been papped twice with a piece whose current hair situation looks like that. How is it possible that Zac hasn’t run his ass off to Ulta Beauty to buy a box of beard dye that’d erase that tragic yellow color from Sami’s hair? Why hasn’t he done this? Who are you, Zac? Who are you?
Last night, Olivia Benson had her paws firmly shoved into her pussy ear holes, because her human Taylor Swift probably shrieked, screamed and squirted (smells like that Victoria’s Secret fruit spray shit from the late 90s) when “Out of the Woods,” a diary entry set to a Tears For Fears instrumental, went #1 on iTunes and trended on Twatter just 4 seconds after she queefed it out. YouTube keeps yanking the song down, so you can listen to it here.
The country-yodeling Holly Hobbie doll turned cheerleader going through an Emo phase wrote the song with Jack Antonoff of Fun (and the boyfriend of Tay Tay’s BFFFFFFFF4EVA Lena Dunham). If you filled your ears with it already, then the sound of Tay Tay saying “Are we out of the woods yet are we out of the woods yet” over and over again has probably squirmed its way into your head and is refusing to leave. It’s the worst kind of mind control. I want to go to North Woods (aka the Christmas restaurant) just so I can walk out of there while saying to myself “Are we out of the woods yet are we out of the woods yet” on a loop. That North Woods reference will only make sense to you if you’ve thrown peanut shells on the floor like an old-timey cowboy while dining at my favorite San Gabriel Valley gourmet emporium.
Taylor said on Twatter last night that “Out of the Woods” is not her next single. She released it because the song best represents her album “1989.” So expect her album to be filled with songs that sound like something Savage Garden wrote for the musical theater adaptation of a young adult romance novel. Tay told Rolling Stone in that ridiculous cover interview that “Out of the Woods” is about a relationship she struggled to get through. It’s obviously about Harry Styles and I’m guessing that Taylor struggled through that shit, because every time they did kissing stuff, his pucker was extra weak since all of his focus was on the screen of his phone as he texted his BFF Nick Grimshaw about the latest Topman collection. And this lyric:
Remember when you hit the brakes too soon/Twenty stitches in a hospital room.
That’s about a snowmobile accident Taylor and the dude were in. Damn you, paparazzi. You take approximately 2,345,678 pictures daily of Taylor Swift walking from her apartment building to an SUV and yet you fail to take 1 picture of her flying off of a snowmobile after Harry Styles “accidentally” hit the brakes too fast. You failed yourself. You failed us all.
And in totally related news, Harry Styles had the barfs in a major way the other day and he had to pull over on the 101 in L.A. to let it go. This picture was taken minutes after he found out that Taylor’s song about him was about to come out:
— Daily Mail Celebrity (@DailyMailCeleb) October 13, 2014
The good thing is that nobody had to hold Harry’s locks for him, because he already had his hair pulled by like you before doing your nightly beauty regimen.
Living toilet brush Shia LaBeouf appeared on Ellen today to promote Fury (aka the movie where he spent 2 hours learning his lines and 2,038,365 hours being a crazy face-slashing toof-pulling MESS), and Ellen DeGeneres was like, Bla bla bla that’s cool, whatever, tell us about that time you lost your damn douchey mind. Cut to a not-the-one Brad Pitt standing in wings mouthing the words “Bitch, you better make this shit sound believable, cause we’ve got a movie to sell.”
Shia explained that the reason he turned into a pretentious dirty hipster faux-hobo performance artiste is because he was going through an existential crisis. Shi Shi blames a lot of his “hiccups” (re: shitty decisions) on his existential crisis, including, but not limited to: that time he wore a paper bag on his head during the Nymphomaniac premiere, that time he set up a table in an art gallery and let people read mean Tweets to him, and that time he decided those hideous maroon corduroy leggings were a good look (he didn’t admit that, but maybe his heart’s just not ready to). Finally, when Ellen asked him what put on a curly black wig, slapped him across the face, and shouted “Snap out of it!“, Shia answered:
“Uh, jail. 100%. Jail is quite scary.“
Shia admitted that being held for 24 hours in a Hannibal Lecter mask in jail was enough to scare him straight, and he decided to leave all the nonsense behind and focus on being “as good as I can be“. So, basically, look out, the rest of Shia’s teeth, you’re next. But I will say this: Shia no longer looks like if someone gave him a hug they’d get head lice, so that’s good.
Shia also says he got through The Year of Crazy Shia by getting phone calls from the love of his life, his mother Shayna Saide, telling him to “stop fucking around.” Shia also referred to his mother as “my girl” and air smooched into the camera. Ew, I guess the old Shia really is back?
That interview with Oprah where child star turned trained Segway pilot Raven-Symoné yanks out Lindsay Lohan’s weave aired last night and not only did she yank out Lindsay Lohan’s weave, but she also yanked out all of the “labels” that have been put on her.
When DOMA was overturned last year, Raven tweeted “I can finally get married! Yay government!” and most of us took that to mean she was publicly coming out as a proud 100% gayelle, but on Oprah: Where Are They Now (via Gawker) last night, she told The Mighty O that if she had a label stitched to the top of her back it would not say 100% Lesbian and 100% African-American. Raven, whose girlfriend is AzMarie from America’s Next Top Model, refuses to label herself as gay or an African-American. Raven is an American human, thankyouverymuch!
Hold on – why is there blonde hair behind Oprah’s back??? Is someone hiding behind her? Oh wait, it’s probably just White Oprah mining her pockets for cash while her daughter distracts her. “I already told you, if you need some more wine-money, just ask me for a second season of Lindsay!” – Oprah.
Speaking of a second season Lindsay, the biggest little train-wreck on television this side of a True Tori marathon, Lindsay Lohan believes there will be a second season. Oprah flew to London to watch the Apricot Ashtray’s performance Speed-The-Plow on Saturday, and Lindsay made sure to Instagram a picture of it as proof (apparently Lupita Nyong’o was there as well, but did take a picture with Linds, probably because she’s still recovering from the last time she met a crazy-eyed red-haired smoky-voiced attention-starved creature).
But maybe Oprah wasn’t there just to watch Lindsay maybe fuck up her lines or break the fourth wall and ask the audience if she could borrow $300. Lindsay recently told Marie Claire UK (via Celebitchy) that she and Oprah are BFBFs (best friends in bankrolled fuckery) once again and that they begin filming on the second season of Lindsay in January. Oh, and also that they might be going to Africa together.
Welp, now that camera has to be quarantined.
Seen above blowing a freckled air kiss at the camera (because she NEVER does that pose), Lindsay Lohan proved last night that the world is a weird, fucked-up place and just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, it throws you a drunken, raggedy, haggard curveball at you. LiLo actually made it to the opening night of Speed-The-Plow in London last night and she ALLEGEDLY performed in every performance. I say “allegedly,” because the stage manager could’ve put a dusty, 50-year-old taxidermy ginger Chinese Crested dog on stage in LiLo’s place after she didn’t show up and nobody would’ve known the difference.
The first preview of Speed-ThePlow was a train wreck for some and LiLo, a master at doing lines, didn’t know a lot of her lines. Speed-The-Plow’s opening night happened last night and critics who reviewed the show say that LiLo only missed a couple of lines. It says a lot when LiLo, whose job is to memorize her goddamn lines, has to be fed lines on opening night and everyone goes, “Aw, she only missed two lines. Gold star!”
Seen here doing lazy Butterfly-era Bratz doll drag, Ariana Grande (aka Frankie Grande’s mega mega pop star sister) recently told Us Weekly that even though there’s a rumor going around that simply uttering the name Mariah Carey around her precious mega pop star ears will make her jump you from behind and try to choke you out with her polyester ponytail, it’s totally not true! Her Royal Highness Princess Ponytail loves Mariah Carey and she loves when you refer to her as the bratty low-budget mall version of Mimi!
“Mariah has been a huge influence on me since I was a little girl. I’ve even done a cover of one of her songs. I don’t think there are any negatives to being compared to one of the greatest vocalists of all time. It’s honestly a great honor.”
I hope Weavearella has a good dentist, because she probably broke 7 teeth clenching her jaw too hard when she said that. “It. Is. A. Great. Honor (crunch crunch crunch).” But really, there’s no way that’s actually what Ariana Grande said. It’s not dripping with entitled polyester cunt fumes and arrogant baby stripper smugness. It’s like a bad translation. Thankfully I’m fluent in Toddler Bullshit, so this is probably closer to what she originally said:
“Mariah has been a huge influence on me since I was a lil’ sexy fetus practicing my stripper moves in my mom’s womb, aka she is super old. I’ve covered one of her songs, but just one, because I’d feel bad upgrading everything she’s ever done. I don’t think there are any negatives to being compared to her, but then again, I haven’t really given it much thought, because I’m too busy being a mega mega pop star.”
There, that sounds more like her! All that’s missing is the Baby Lucifer look in her eyes that says “Oh, you WILL pay for asking me about she-who-must-not-be-named. FRANKIE! Come here and bring a balaclava that will fit over all your dumb hair – I have a job for you.“