Last night, I linked an MTV News interview where America’s Standby Sweetheart Jennifer Lawrence triple stuffed her mouth with marshmallows, but I missed the most important part. I missed the part where JLaw declared that she’s a proud sink pisser! Of course she’s telling us she’s a proud sink pisser, because Jennifer Lawrence wants us all to know that she’s a 12-year-old boy who got trapped inside the body of a multi-millionaire movie star after asking Zoltair Speaks to make him “big.”
At the end of the interview, MTV’s Josh Horowitz pulled out a question from her friend Amy Schumer. Amy Schumer wanted to know if Jennifer Lawrence has ever peed in a bidet and she pissed out this answer:
JLaw: This is an ongoing conversation with me and Amy. I’ll take it one step further, I’ve peed in some sinks. When two girls go into a bathroom, someone’s gotta take the sink and I actually like taking the sink.
Josh Hutcherson: One could wait.
JLaw: One could wait. But if the one waiting is me, she’s going in the sink.
But what if they both have to take a dump? Never mind, I’ve seen Bridesmaids. She also said that she never washes her hands after pissing. I should hope not! It would be highly disgusting, unsanitary and sucio to wash your hands in a sink that’s got piss all over the faucet. If she gets any piss on her hands while pissing, she just dries it off with her own farts before wiping it on her friend’s shirt. Obviously.
Ellen DeGeneres has officially become the Captain Save-A-Ho of the S.S. Damage Control, because it seems like famous types are always “clarifying” crap on her show. Matt Damon was scheduled to be on her show yesterday to push that Martian movie and while he was there, Ellen gave him a chance to fix the latest shit storm his mouth hole created. It doesn’t seem liked it helped.
Oh, the rich…. Us regulars make our piece get rid of simple stuff from their exes (like cards, ugly stuffed animals, love letters, etc….) by burning it so that we can fuck on the ashes. That’s what us regulars do! (Wait, that’s just me?) But the rich are different. They make their piece get rid of fancy yachts named after their ex.
Johnny Depp used to have a 156-foot yacht he named Vajoliroja, which sounds like the Spanish name of an STD you caught after boning a stranger on a beach in Mexico. Vajoliroja is the names of Johnny, his ex Vanessa Paradis, their daughter Lily-Rose and their son Jack mashed into one. Johnny bought the boat in 2007, but UsWeekly claims he recently had to sell it, because the sight of it made Amber’s eyes burn with jealousy. Amber refused to enter Vajoliroja.
Dubbed the Vajoliroja after his former love of 14 years, Vanessa Paradis, and their kids Lily-Rose, 16, and Jack, 13, the ship, purchased in 2007, was a reminder of the Black Mass lead’s past. “Johnny loved that yacht. But he bought it for Vanessa,” adds the insider. “And Amber is still jealous of her.”
Part of me is shaking my head at Amber, because it’s a real ice cold cuntilicious move to make your man get rid of a boat he named after his children. The other part of me is slow clapping for Amber, because it’s a real ice cold cuntilicious move to make your man get rid of a boat he named after his children and I love a mean bitch. But Amber should’ve taken the ice cold bitchiness to the next level. If she’s really jealous of Vanessa, she should’ve made Johnny paint over the name on the yacht and use his own blood to write its new name: The S.S. Fuck You Gappy. And Amber really has a good reason to be jealous of Vanessa. I mean, Vanessa got to hump on 1999 Johnny Depp.
Here’s Johnny performing with Hollywood Vampires at Rock in Rio last night.
Hardcore Morrissey fans always wearing black and a black veil, because they permanently have the Emos since they’re hardcore Morrissey fans. But today, they’re putting a second black veil over their black veil, because Morrissey has announced that his next two shows in London may be his last shows in the UK for the rest of eternity. Morrissey is always being extra melodramatic and he’s said shit like this many times before. So Morrissey may just be pulling a Morrissey. He doesn’t have a record label in the UK anymore and he isn’t working on a new album, so he doesn’t think there’s any point in touring. Morrissey left this message on one of his fansites:
“There is absolutely no way that we can generate any interest from record labels in the United Kingdom, therefore the imminent two nights at Hammersmith are likely to be our final ever UK shows. We are obsessively grateful for all interest and loyalty from our audience … throughout 28 years … but without new releases, there is no point in any additional touring. Thank you for so many absolutely incredible times. The pleasure and privilege is mine … “
Tickets are still available for at least one of his shows, so this could be a STUNT. I wouldn’t be surprised if in a year or so, Morrissey announces new shows in London and dramatically says that they will be his last for real, because he just can’t go on anymore.
The Guardian says that Morrissey was dropped by his label Harvest Records last year and he hasn’t been able to find a new home for his music. Morrissey claims that every record label he’s tried to get with has turned him down. Nobody wants his ass. Hmmm… I wonder why record labels don’t want Morrissey. I wonder if someone sent a messenger Corgi to every record label in the UK with a note warning them that they will be tried for treason if they sign that traitor. I wonder….
Game point goes to THE QUEEN!
Pics: Wenn.com, Getty
Last month, I hit a new low (or maybe it was a new high…) when I quoted Eddie Murphy’s musical masterpiece while writing about how 26-year-old Alicia Vikander was about to put Michael Fassbender’s 38-year-old extra meaty crotch bratwurst on the curb because she couldn’t take him partying all the time. UsWeekly is now saying that Alicia went through with it and put Michael Fassbender’s big dick on the curb. That’s every hard-up, horny Fassbender-loving ho’s cue to scoot her coochie along the curb until she hits dick. And this is a great time for size queens to be alive, because both The Hammaconda and The Assbender may be single and out in the wild.
UsWeekly doesn’t really have any details. All they say is that it’s over after 9 months and they haven’t been photographed together since May. If the blind item that claims that Alicia and Michael’s love was born in a publicist’s head is true, then they probably are over. Because “not being photographed together in 9 months” is to PR relationships what “shitting in front of your piece while not giving a hell that you’re shitting in front of your piece” is to real relationships. It means it’s the end.
But Gossip Cop stamped the word “LIES” on UsWeekly’s story, so maybe Alicia and Assbender are trying to work it out (read: negotiating a contract extension).
But really, Alicia has done Alexander Skarsgard and Michael Fassbender. If she moves on to Idris Elba, Prince Hot Ginge or the hot douchey deli worker at Vons who called me “bro” once, I’m going to search Angie’s List for a witch who can give me the power to shape-shift into Alicia Vikander’s Swedish vagine.
And here’s Alicia with professional Oscar fisher Eddie Redmayne at the TIFF premiere of The Danish Girl.
Pics: Getty, Wenn.com
Ariana Grande Latte, the human form of a yappy teacup Yorkie in a baby pink knock-off Chanel bag, is still trying to get us to forgive and forget about how she contaminated deep fried rings of perfection covered in the jizz of virgin angels (aka icing). Ariana Grande Latte slobbered out a thin river of bullshit in the form of an apology yesterday morning, and last night, she tried to distract us from her donut wrongdoings by doing impersonations of pop stars (who would NEVER disrespect a donut) with Jimmy Fallon on The Tonight Show.
Ariana did her impersonation of the GREATEST SINGUH IN DUH WORLD on The Tonight Show before and she did it again last night. She also did Brit Brit Spears and Xtina. I got two things out of this clip: Jimmy Fallon is that over-the-top dad at the talent show who everyone throws “sit the fuck down” eyes at when he squeals, claps and loses it over everything his kid does. Also, Ariana doesn’t know about a thing called “contacts,” or maybe her intense hatred of donuts blinds her from time to time.
Not bad, but I’d be more impressed if she did a believable impersonation of a human with a heart who actually regrets hurting donuts!!!!
A little over two months ago, this country changed forever when we learned that our supply of delicious donuts (aka this country’s official food) is being tainted by the toxic saliva of an evil demon trapped inside of a Baby Bratz doll. Thanks to Ariana Grande Latte, I cannot buy a donut unless it has been inspected thoroughly for Ariana saliva.
Ariana Grande Pumpkin Spice Latte has never come out and said the words, “I APOLOGIZE TO DONUTS,” but she has apologized for fat-shaming and for saying she hates America. I have not and will not forgive her until she apologizes to donuts and their admirers. Well, Ariana peddled her new bottle of stank (which probably smells like the blood of a bald eagle, fat people tears and donut mold) on Good Morning America today and she continued to backpedal on her pink Big Wheels by dribbling out yet another apology. And Ariana’s latest apology failed once again to mention the only thing that matters: DONUTS! Ariana burped this up this little fake apology:
“First of all, I mean, my behavior was very offensive and I apologize. There’s no excuse or there’s nothing to justify it. As human beings we all say and do things we don’t mean at all sometimes. And we have to learn from it. That’s part of our process. We have to learn from our mistakes and that’s how we grow.”
I wouldn’t call spit bombing a donut a “mistake.” I’d call it an act of war. And I bet that right after Ariana gave her latest publicist-written apology, she hocked several loogies on donuts in the green room and then head-butted a fat American’s knee cap for fun.
And here’s Thumbelina’s evil twin carrying a regular-sized bottle of her perfume outside of GMA today.
Elizabeth Olsen’s vagine became the object of Tumblr’s jealousy a few months ago when UsWeekly said that it was getting several servings of the Hiddleston dick. A couple of months later, pictures came out of Elizabeth hiding her face while leaving a restaurant in London with Tom Hiddleston and other sources said that they have gone from fuck buddies to something a little more serious. But while promoting I Saw The Light at TIFF, Elizabeth made it clear that she and Tom aren’t a thing, so all you Hiddlestoners can stop sending her death threats. Besides, sending death threats to Elizabeth Olsen is not a good idea, because she’ll just forward them to the Trollsens who will skin you alive and use your hide to make a $4,600 purse.
Refinery 29 asked the Other Olsen about I Saw The Light, but nobody really cares about that shit, so they got to talking about if she’s boning Tom Hiddleston on the regular or not.
There have been a lot of links between you and Tom Hiddleston, about you two dating. I don’t know if that’s something you confirm, but how do you feel —
“I mean, we definitely are friends and we’ve known each other for about four years. And we happened to be at a restaurant at a wrong time having dinner. We all go out to dinner.”
How do you react when you see that in the press?
“Well, apparently, I’m dating Chris Evans, and apparently, I’ve dated Jeremy Renner, so I guess that… I don’t react to it.”
So you’re not dating Tom?
“No. I mean people can think what they want to think.”
I believe her. If she was seriously dating Tom, she probably would’ve taken him to the tree trunk house at the edge of the bridge to meet her sisters and during that meeting, the life in his eyes would’ve flickered out as he watched Mary-Kate and Ashley make out with their dudes at the dinner table. Tom doesn’t look dead inside in these pictures from TIFF, so I’m guessing he’s never met the Trollsens. And Elizabeth’s right. We can think what we want to think. So I’m just going to tell myself that Elizabeth is a three-way beard and she’s bearding for Tom, Chris Evans and Jeremy Renner who are secretly dating each other. Thanks for the tip, Lizzie!
And here’s Tom at a TIFF press conference for High-Rise with Elisabeth Moss and Luke Evans today.
Pics: Getty, Splash
A few years ago, MySpace pin-up Tom Hardy said in a magazine interview that he played around with peen when he was in his 20s, but he’s strictly clitly now. Tom later pulled a “no homo” when he said his words were twisted around in that interview and he wants us all to know that a dick has never parted his ass lips and his peen has never been in another man. So in other words, Tom Hardy’s juicy peen-sucking lips have probably been around a peen. Well, during a press conference at the Toronto International Film Festival for his new movie Legend, a reporter for the LGBT site Daily Xtra brought up his sexuality and he wasn’t having it.
And just like that, a giant basket filled with freshly-baked L. Rons and a card reading “XO – Your pals at the Scientology center” appeared on Kristen Stewart’s doorstep.
Totally over-it teenager cosplayer Kristen Stewart is currently hustling her new movie Equals. From what I’ve gleaned in about 0.2 seconds of research, Equals is sort of like Logan’s Run meets Zardoz meets Kristen Stewart’s real-life personality. Basically it’s about a bunch of people in the future who have no emotions. According to The Daily Beast, the emotionless future people in Equals is an allegory for the pilled-up teens of today. That might sound like a bit of a reach, but not to KStew.