U.S. Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin had a hard enough time as it was being the guy in charge of all the cash under President Cheeto. His wife isn’t making things any easier. People reports Steve’s wife, 36-year-old Scottish-born actress Louise Linton, unfortunately hasn’t sipped whatever tranquility tea it is that Melania Trump guzzles every morning so she can make it through the day silently seething over how her gold digging path went so far astray. You know, normal politico bride-style shit.
Since the Demon Goblin of E!, Ryan Seacrest, was given immortality when he sold his soul to Satan many, many years ago, he doesn’t need sleep to function, so he got himself a 666th job. One year after Michael Strahan’s exit from Live caused Kelly Ripa’s belly button peen to throb with rage and scorn, ABC has announced who her new permanent co-host is. I’m not sure when ABC told Kelly Ripa that her new co-host is a trick who’s way more powerful in the game than she is, but when she did find out, I’m sure the ears of many dogs fell off and died from the high-pitched screech she let out.
During Oscar bait season next year, you’ll be able to escape the nightmare reality of this world with a feel-good Dick Cheney biopic! Oscar-nominated writer/director Adam McKay (who directed Step Brothers, Anchorman, Talladega Nights and The Big Short) has been working on a Dick Cheney movie, and Deadline says that he is talking to Christian Bale about taking on Dick. Adam is probably talking to Daniel Day-Lewis about playing the friend that Dick Cheney accidentally shot during a quail hunt. Because DDL is the only true thespian who’d say, “I’m offended that you think I wouldn’t, sir!”, after fellow method actor Christian Bale asks to shoot him for real during their scene.
If you’re like me, then you’re probably looking at your bong right now while saying, “What in the fuck did I smoke tonight?” Because when the Oscar for Best Picture was announced by Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty tonight, Faye announced La La Land as the winner and we quickly learned that Moonlight was the true winner. Goddamnit, why couldn’t this have happened on election night?!
After everyone from La La Land got on stage and started accepting the award, a giant WTF hit us all when they figured out that they lost to Moonlight. Warren Beatty explained that he was given the wrong card and I don’t even know what really happened. But I do know that Steve Harvey mouth farted out a giant cloud of relief, because he’s no longer the biggest fuck up when it comes to naming the rightful winner on a card. It was five tons of awkward wrapped in forty layers of mess and drizzled with a sauce made of potent fuckery. Damn you, Faye, Warren and whoever was in charge of the cards for fucking up Moonlight’s moment like this!
— Good Morning America (@GMA) February 27, 2017
I hope this means that Leonardo DiCaprio was so stoned from vaping backstage that he read “Emma Stone” instead of “Isabelle Huppert” and Brie Larson blacked out for a second and read “Casey Affleck” instead of “Denzel Washington.”
It gets even more weirder, Margaret Cho says that Tilda Swinton got her e-mail and number from Alex Borstein. Alex Borstein was in one of my favorite shows ever Getting On and also played Ms. Swan on MADtv.
Does that mean that Tilda called Alex because she thought that Alex was Asian and when Alex told her that wasn’t the case, she said, “Okay, well then give me the number of the next most famous Asian in Hollywood or whatever?” Maybe. But Tilda apparently tugged at Margaret, because Margaret went off about whitewashing on Twitter.
“Um, Michael, you dumb bitch, that’s now how you spell ‘a drunk Cabbage Patch Doll.’” – everyone
2016 shoved another bold-faced ? into all of our brains today when it was announced that Amy Schumer is starring in Sony’s live-action Barbie movie. That pounding sound you hear is from the thousands of think pieces being written about this right now.
Barbie’s waist is about the size of a flea’s cock ring, her arms are skinnier than floss, her tits are nipple-less and she’s got a case of no-ass. Amy Schumer’s body doesn’t look like that, but Deadline says there’s a reason for why she’s starring in the Barbie movie.