This story makes me think of the famous line from Field of Dreams: If you build it, he will come… after fucking it.
Metro UK brings us yet more proof that dudes will stick their dicks in any hole. Now, most dudes stick their peen into normal, regular things like an overripe honeydew melon that’s been furthered softened by gentle taps from a rubber hammer, or a hallowed-out Pillsbury dough log that’s been dipped in slightly warm olive oil (it’s just the right kind of greasy). But then there’s some extra kinky, next level (and dumber than a barbel) dudes who like a challenge and will look at a 5 pound weight at the gyn and think, “I’m here to pump that up.”
The world is a strange, confusing and unpredictable place. Yesterday we found out the earth-shattering news that a bunch of famous rich dudes rented VVS1 grade pussy from Heidi Fleiss back in the 90s, and today we learned that Kit Harington viciously slaughtered his beard! I know, it’s wrong of me to demean Kit Harington by focusing on his looks. Kit Harington is not his beard! But apparently, he is, because some tricks don’t know how they’ll go on after seeing him without a field of fur on his face.
The Medieval Times Curly Sue from Game of Thrones is starring in the play Doctor Faustus in London, and fans got pictures of his freshly shaven mug (still covered with some stage paint) outside of the theater. Bitches haven’t freaked out this much about the loss of a beard since Katie Holmes and Tommy Cruise got divorced.
— Jon Snow (@LordSnow) June 1, 2016
With the beard, Kit Harington looks like a brooding model from an inspiration hairstyles look book found in a JcPenney salon in 1987. Without it, Kit Harington looks like a cross between a Brandon Lee in The Crow impersonator on Hollywood Blvd. who yells at tourists for not paying him for a picture and the lead singer of Finland’s #3 goth band whose biggest hit is a musical ode to Ville Valo. He also kind of looks like a mostly SANS FARDS Gerard Way after two weeks of doing the Master Cleanse.
With or without the beard, I’d hit it. But if I hit it without the beard, I’d solemnly hum The Cure’s “The Same Deep Water As You” while doing so, because I’d want it to be as Emo as possible.
No, this is not a picture of Dumbledore after he faked his death and ran away to the Caribbean because he was truly sick of all that Hogwarts drama. It’s also not a picture of a shrunken Randy Quaid shooting Vermont Public Access’ version of The Biggest Loser. It’s 68-year-old David Letterman using his millions to live that lavish retired life. David Letterman spent decades in a nipple-suffocating suit (I think he even wore it to bed), so he has freed himself of that Men’s Warehouse cocoon and is living it up in St. Barts.
Now, if I was a multi-multi-millionaire retiree like David Letterman, I’d be spending all of my days lounging on a pile of naked Prince Hot Ginge impersonators while smoking the finest of the finest good shit out of a Baccarat dick bong as Stacey Q and Martika performed Showgirls: The Musical live in front of me. But for some reason, David Letterman chose to go to St. Barts with his wife Regina Lasko. Weird, but it’s his millions and his life!
Letterman is also giving me “Santa Claus if Santa Claus was in the witness protection program” vibes and I’m into that, so yeah, I’d put on a butt-less elf onesie and hit it hard.
Somewhere, Leonardo DiCatchAHo is sitting on a stool (read: a skinny naked blonde model on all fours) and is nervously laughing into a morning cup of coffee served by his butler (read: a skinny naked blonde model wearing only white gloves) as he watches Funny or Die’s Donald Trump spoof on his TV (read: a skinny naked blonde model holding an iPad in front of him), because he knows if it was an actual movie that came out in the theaters in December, the Oscar would elude his ass AGAIN. That Oscar would go to Johnny Depp who has given his greatest performance since Cry-Baby!
Funny or Die told The New York Times that they shot this 50-minute-long TV movie-of-the-week parody of Jabba the Trump’s advice book The (F)Art Of The Deal in December, but they’ve been waiting for the perfect time to release it. They decided that today was the perfect day to release it after Trump won the New Hampshire primary last night thanks to thousands of cats in human costumes who voted for him because they know that if he becomes president humanity will be destroyed and their reign as the most powerful creatures in the country will begin.
Opie Taylor introduces the fake movie as a recently discovered 80s biopic that was shelved after it was preempted by a football game and Trump refused to release it. It stars Johnny as Trump, Michaela Watkins as Ivana Trump, Patton Oswalt as Merv Griffin, Henry Winkler as Ed Koch, the boy from Room, ALF!!! and a bunch of others. The dialogue is spot-on, that 1980s VHS patina is perfect and the only thing it’s missing is an FBI warning at the beginning.
But Johnny Depp as Jabba the Trump steals every shot with his terrifying face. He looks like a pus-engorged boil on Jiminy Glick’s taint. He looks like a dingle stuck to a cat’s ass hairs. He looks like a lost Dick Tracy villain that was rejected for being too scary looking. What I’m trying to say is that he looks better than the real thing.
And yes, yes I’d hit it while wearing a low-budget Ivana wig.
Page Six says that Carly Simon writes in her memoir Boys In The Trees about the time in 1965 when Sean Connery offered up his Scotch eggs and blood sausage to her, only there was one problem… Sean wanted Carly’s sister to get in on the action. What kind of Mad Men episode foolery…
Carly says that when she was 20 and her sister Lucy was 22 they were on a ship traveling from London to New York and they met a then 35-year-old Sean Connery. Carly says that the three of them had drinks and ended up in his cabin. While in his cabin, Sean, who was married at the time, proposed having a ménage à trois. Carly writes that one of her friends called it a “Simon sisters sandwich.” Carly and Lucy said thanks, but no thanks. But the next night, Lucy ended up with a coochie full of 007 and she did it by herself. The Hollywood Reporter says that Carly felt so betrayed by her sister boning Sean Connery that when they got to New York, she ended their musical duo The Simon Sisters. In other words, Sean Connery’s dick broke up The Simon Sisters. Sean Connery’s dick is the original Yoko Ono.
I don’t even want to answer my own headline question, but I will. To paraphrase Meat Loaf, I would do anything for dick but I won’t do that.
My sister and I fight over everything. One time when we were kids, I was playing with her Barbie car and she didn’t like that. We fought over it for a few minutes and I ended up throwing it against the wall and it broke. So imagine what would happen if we had to share a dude. Actually, don’t.
With that being, I hate Carly Simon’s ass for bringing this up.
Pic: United Artists
By “it,” I’m not talking about that poster. I’m also not talking about Billy Bob Thornton’s sixth wife Connie Angland. I’m also also not talking about that ball of lit-up dildos in the background. (Although, I’d totally hit every piece of that.) I’m talking about Billy Bob Thornton himself.
Last night was the Hollywood premiere of Our Brand Is Oscar Bait and Billy Bob Thornton really overdressed for it. It’s just a damn stupid premiere for a stupid movie. He didn’t have to go all out like that. I’m sure the other dudes there shrank into a pile of inadequacy when they saw BBT looking like he was about to have caviar and champagne with THE QUEEN. USA Today asked Billy Bob why he showed up dressed like a hip old dude trying to fit in with the youngins’ at a small town gay bar and he said that it’s simple. He’s all out of two things: Shirts with sleeves and fucks to give.
“Every time I try to dress up, I get there and go ‘Why did I dress up?’. I don’t think it matters. And this is kinda the way I dress, so I figure, come as myself.”
Billy Bob’s look is a little bit “lazy Linda Perry cosplay” and equal parts “truck stop ladies bathroom peeping tom” and “Florida meth dealer who also sings the lead in a Buckcherry cover band.” Usually, I’d be into those looks, but no, I would not hit it. I have furniture in my bedroom that was made before the 1950s, and I would not move it just so Billy Bob could bust a nut instead of busting a panic attack.
Here’s a million more pictures from last night’s premiere including some of Sandra Bullock, her dog shit vigilante man and George and Amal Clooney.