It’s been almost two months since Mariah Carey’s now-iconic bomb of a performance in Times Square, and most have moved on and the only time anyone ever really thinks about it is when they see it at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, where it’s currently on display in the American Masterpieces Collection (no, it’s not, but it should be). But the glittery fart that Mimi dropped on New Year’s Eve is still on the minds of Rolling Stone and Mimi herself. And I’m glad it is, because when she talked about it with Rolling Stone, her butterfly mouth produced several verbal jewels, like how she’d die if she stepped into reality.
Fresh off from looking Melania Trump up and down before saying that he’d never dress her because she’s simply not his image, Tom Ford has opened up his brain to GQ and released thought bubbles on everything from puppies dying to his son’s tacky shoes to the abomination that is sweatpants to how men truly aren’t woke until their buttholes are awoken by a hard dick (or a dildo). And thanks to that last one, Professor Tom Ford has just replaced Professor Megan Fox as my favorite brain fart producer.
Some things continue to shock me. Like the beauty of a sunset or the smell of Chinatown garbage in the summer. These are just wonders of the world I suppose. Much like Amber Rose and her ability to get money and stay in the public eye. She has a VH1 talk show coming out, which means she needs to step up the media game and get that “watch my show!” press. In her latest push, Amber gives us her thoughts on pop singer and noted lover (then hater) of men, Taylor Swift.
Last night, Khlozilla went on a painkiller-induced Sasquatch rampage on Twitter when she told people to get off dick after they gave her shit for staying with her boyfriend James Harden while still nursing and being married to Lamar Odom. But well, if you ask the most important woman in Hollywood and human orchid Paz De La Huerta about this, she’d tell you that little Twitter tussle should’ve never happened, because nobody should be following the Kartrashians.
On her Instagram yesterday, the greasy jewel delivered an important announcement to the world and to Kanye Kartrashian. There’s a war happening right now and we do not need to be distracted by that idiot trash Kim Kartrashian! Paz deleted her post (it still lives here), because she probably realized that in posting about Kim, she was giving Kim attention. Or she decided that she’ll save that speech for when she testifies at the anti-Kardashian hearings at the United Nations. Seriously, why aren’t Paz and Natasha from Top Model the co-leaders of the United Nations? #PazBeGandhiAndJesus.
And since no Paz post is complete without stunning pictures of her, here she is back in April looking like heaven in a trash bag.
Pics: Splash (Thanks Philip!)
The Church of Ho Shit’s answer to Suze Orman has been found! While many women are fighting for equality, stripper turned rapper’s piece turned ho shit mogul Amber Rose is telling women that they were born with a winning Lottery ticket between their legs so they may as well use it. Amber is still promoting the new ho shit holy bible “How To Be A Bad Bitch” and in an interview with Time, she shares some of her tips on how ladies can achieve their financial goals. The
Champagne Andre Room at the Nuts On Buns (or wherever the hell she worked) strip club in Philadelphia was her Harvard Business School and it was there where she learned how to get men to throw as many sticky bills at her oiled-up nalgas as possible.
The Church of Grace Jones held another sermon with The New York Times and although it didn’t lift my soul to the heavens the way that excerpt from her memoirs did, it still did me right. While lounging in a robe with a mimosa in her hand, the forever legendary Grace Jones pimped out her memoirs “I’ll Never Write My Memoirs” during an interview with The New York Times and she continued to let the music hos of today know that she sees them copying her and is going to do something about it if she sees them out. Grace tells the Times that Kanye West copied something she did in the past and used it in a video. Grace didn’t say what video, but she did say these simple fightin’ words:
“When I see him, honestly, I’m going to get in his face.”
Okay, so now all we have to do is find a way to get Grace Jones and Kanye West into a room together and we have to make sure that there’s plenty of seats for us all. Oh, and we definitely need a popcorn machine and plastic ponchos to protect our clothes from the bits of Kanye that will fly all over the room when she destroys him with her bare hands. And I’m sure Kanye will fight back by saying that Grace Jones used that funny-looking helmet to time travel to the future where she watched his video before time-traveling back to the past where she used his ideas for one of her projects. So Kanye West didn’t copy Grace Jones, Grace Jones copied Kanye West!!!