Category: Woe Is You

Taylor Swift Hasn’t Dropped Her Plans To Get Legal Revenge On Kimye

July 20, 2016 / Posted by:

Yesterday, Allison brought us the news from TMZ that Kim Kartrashian probably won’t have to figure out a way to make prison-made Botox out of anus-numbing cream and pen ink from the commissary, because she and Kanye West didn’t commit a felony when they recorded and posted his telephone conversation with Taylor Swift about his song “Famous.” Only “confidential” conversations fall under California’s wiretapping law and since Kanye had Tay Tay on speaker and other people were in the room, it’s apparently not considered “confidential.” But that piece of information hasn’t stopped Taylor from putting together a mock trial, starring her cats and Furby collection, to practice for the day when she sees those whores in court!

Bill Cosby Has Gone Totally Blind And Is Trapped In A “Personal Hell”

July 19, 2016 / Posted by:

Somewhere in Bill Cosby’s mansion, one of his assistants is writing the word “roofie” in Braille on his entire stash of ludes, because he reportedly can’t see shit anymore. Not only that, but Bill Cosby’s Pennsylvania mansion has become his prison and his only friends are the lawyers who are being paid to spend time with him. I’ll wait here as you strain your face while trying to squirt out one tear of sympathy for him…… Not happening? Yeah, didn’t think so. Moving on….

Bill Cosby has been figuratively blind for decades, but Page Six says that he’s totally blind now. One of Cosby’s lawyers (aka a paid friend) played that “Woe Is The Pudding Pop Don” card earlier this year when they said that prosecutors have chosen to go after a poor, little old blind man. Cosby has an eye condition call “keratoconus” that has caused him to go 100% blind in both eyes. The source spit this out:

“His alleged victims may take some solace in the fact that he’s in his own personal hell. He has been suffering from a degenerative eye disease and is completely blind . . . All his Hollywood friends have turned their backs on him. He is confined to his house in Pennsylvania, and the only person on his side is his wife, Camille, who is masterminding his defense. His only friends are the small army of lawyers on his payroll.”

Now, I’m not one to say that so-and-so’s personal hell is more of a personal hell than so-and-so’s personal hell, but I’m sure that the women Cosby allegedly drugged and raped are living in hell’s personal hell.

Cosby is expected to go to trial sometime this year, so Page Six’s story may be his lawyers’ way of starting their defense early by letting prospective jurors know that he’s been through enough. I mean, the man can’t even continue to pursue his favorite hobby of mixology anymore!

Pic: Wenn.com

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Justin Bieber Is Just Way Too Deep For Award Shows

May 23, 2016 / Posted by:

“Are you there God? It’s me, your greatest creation-shit, straight to voicemail again, yo!”

With help from a bunch of dancers wearing what looks like hospital gowns designed by Yeezy, Justin Bieber performed on the Billboard Music Awards, and he also won Top Male Artist. (“Top? Blehehehehe,” laughed Usher.) But even though Justin Bieber got a brand, new shiny award, he left the Billboard Music Awards feeling all empty inside. Today, the Biebs sharted up a “Dear Diary” entry  on Instagram about award shows and it seems like he just realized 3 things that most of us have known forever:

  1. Award shows are pretty meaningless and are mainly just fluffy entertainment for those of us who need a reason to booze it up at home on a Sunday.
  2. Many tricks in the audience at an awards show are there because they’re a camera whore. (And because there’s an open bar involved, but mostly because they’re a camera whore.)
  3. Those of us who watch at home grade, judge and rate every performance.

The Biebs just figured this out and it has hit him hard. It’s as if he just found out that Santy Claus is not a real thing. (Note to The Biebs’ parents: Wait until next Christmas to tell him the truth about Santy. He’s already been through enough this year.) The Biebs “Deep Thoughts” message is after the cut, and he pasted it under a picture of the Rock of Cashel Castle, because again, he deep.

Charlize Theron FINALLY Sheds Light On The Plight Of Tall, Gorgeous Actresses

April 5, 2016 / Posted by:

Don’t hate Charlize Theron for looking beautiful even while suffering from coke burn (see: picture above).

To think, us average-faced homelies used to think that all of you tall, gorgeous people have it so easy. You mostly get hired for a job over an ugly troll. You get promotions quicker too. You also don’t even have to think about bringing your wallet to the bar, because some trick will always buy you a cup of the sweet nectar. And whenever you want hot dick, you just swipe right and BOOM, hot dick lands in your lap. Sometimes when I’m in a long ass line at Trader Joe’s, I wish that I was hot, because then I’d be able to cut in front of all of the dowdy regulars. They’d be happy about it too, because then they’d have a better view of my beauty. But you know, I don’t think that gorgeous people have it good anymore. Charlize Theron, the Martin Luther King Jr. of tall, gorgeous people, has exposed fugly people privilege and opened up our eyes to the suffering of the beautiful ones!

So, Now It Makes Sense Why Channing Tatum Can’t Stand Alex Pettyfer

December 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Either Alex Pettyfer or Alex Pettyfer’s people (Does he have those?) have been trying to paint him as the new “bad boy” of Hollywood for years. Alex is supposedly shitty to work with and he bragged to VMan about how he got the words “thank you” tattooed over his dick just in case he forgets to say it. (I love a cocky b-hole douche so that made me swoon inside a little, but it turns out that his “thank you” tattoo is actually his name in Japanese. Getting your name tattooed in any language on your body is a zillion times more douchey than getting “thank you” inked into your crotch.) After Magic Mike came out, there was a rumor that Channing would rather toss a bitchy armadillo’s salad than work with Alex again.

They fought and Channing told people that he wants nothing to do with Alex. Alex was recently on Bret Easton Ellis’ podcast B.E.E. (via People) and he confirmed that yup, Channing hates him and he admits that it’s mostly his fault.

Justin Bieber Is Becoming A Junior Master At Quitting Things

October 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Yesterday, Justin Bieber, a proud graduate of Kanye West’s Nurse School of Doucheness, walked out in the middle of an interview with a Spanish radio station, because he didn’t like the question about who dresses him (a slow clap for that shady question) and other questions that didn’t have to do with his music. The Biebs made it perfectly clear with his facial expressions that he was over it and he left without saying so much as an “adios, bitch!” The truth is, the Beibs is showing a little bit of maturity, because in the past, he would’ve thrown a hissy fight and cried until his au pair ran in, stuck a Sizzurp-dipped pacifier in his cry hole and carried him out while burping him. Well, today, Justin Bieber walked out on something again, but this time he walked out on a bunch of his fans who buy his music and keep him in the finest saggy diaper pants money can buy .

Right before a performance for a TV show in Oslo, Norway, some of his fans in the front row spilled water. The Biebs tried to clean it up at first, but after scolding his fans, he said fuck it and dramatically exited the stage. Justin’s dramatic asshole stage exit gets a solid F from me, because he didn’t throw an invisible scarf around his shoulder, arch his back and do a jazz walk offstage.

The Biebs later burped up an apology on Instragram and said that he’s sowwy. He’s just got the tireds real bad!

Sadly it’s Been a rough week for me, long days no sleep, while having to be “on” as they would say for cameras fans etc. In no way did I mean to come across mean, but chose to end the show as the people in the front row would not listen. Hopefully people will understand where I am coming from. I don’t always handle things the right way but I’m human and I’m working on getting better at responding not reacting. Unfortunately people were affected by this as am I. For the people in the back I am so sorry and for anyone I may have disappointed im sorry. Sorry for wasting the tv people’s time I’ll be sure to make it up to you next time on tour.. With love Justin.

What’s really shitty is that I don’t even think that’s spilled water. Justin Bieber probably temporarily forgot his potty training and had an accident on the stage. Then he not only blamed it on his fans, but he bitched them out for it. That’s more cold-hearted than letting out a fart and blaming it on your puppy. And Ellen DeGeneres better leave a chair vacant for him, because her show will be his first stop on his Apology 2.0 Tour.

Pic: Wenn.com

Dear Commenters, Robert Pattinson Doesn’t Think Most Of You Are Normal

September 25, 2015 / Posted by:

All together now: I resemble that comment, you foot-faced asshole!

NME Magazine asked Robert Pattinson what he thinks about the racist comments that crazed trolls spewed out and continue to spew out about his girlfriend FKA Twigs. That question led to RPattz talking about the commenters of the Internet and how to him, most comment sections are dark, smelly dungeons where faceless blob demons mouth shit out hate. (Side note: I do write “mouth-shitting faceless dungeon demon” as my occupation on my tax returns.) According to RPattz, comment sections, like the one on YouTube, are cesspools of hate, because no normal person ever leaves a comment.

“I was talking to my dad about this and I bet him that if he looked up Nelson Mandela’s funeral on YouTube, the first comment would be a racist one. And it was, with like a million upvotes.

What I don’t get is why. I think it’s because most normal people are not commenters – I’ve never met anyone who’s left a comment on anything. It’s just demons who live in basements. You have this weird thing where you end up trying to fight against this faceless blob, where the more you hate it, the bigger it gets, because it’s all in your head.”

I don’t know if he realizes that he just insulted a huge chunk of his fanbase since they leave insane comments about him on blogs. But then again, they’re not normal, so carry on, RPattz.

RPattz went on to say that sometimes when he’s in a place where he hates himself, he decides to suffer even more by Googling his name. I guess it’s cheaper and less messy than paying a dominatrix to piss on his face and spit in his eyes.

“I go through periods where I don’t do it at all and feel glorious! Then I’ll fall back into this pit. It really does affect you, and it all comes from some moron sitting on a comment board. It’s always that person who’s needling away at you, who you either want to destroy, or convince them to love you.”

RPattz needs to get his facts straight. I don’t even live in a basement! I’m just a regular first floor demon. But really, I’m guessing that RPattz has never been to the Dlisted comment section where everyone loves each other, no one ever fights and we all say nice things like, “I just love that Robert Pattinson, he’s a wonderful actor and attractive human being,” while making each other friendship bracelets. #NOTALLCOMMENTERS!

Pic: Wenn.com

Duchess Kate’s Brother Is Frustrated About Being The Basement Baby To Her Beyonce

January 30, 2015 / Posted by:

James Middleton was interviewed by the app magazine TYD (via UsWeekly) because his sister is famous for marrying a dude whose claim to worldwide fame is being born. But poor James is sick of being known as Duchess Kate’s brother even though that’s the only reason people are checking for him. James wants to be known as James and not as Duchess Kate’s brother. If it makes Duchess Kate’s brother feel any better, I don’t only know him as Duchess Kate’s brother. I also know him as the dude who blow dryed his dick and pubes.

Duchess Kate’s brother talks about how he dropped out of the University of Edinburgh because he has Dyslexia and how he started Boomf, a company that lasers pictures onto marshmallows. Yes, that is a real company he started. Duchess Kate’s brother tells TYD that it’s annoying when people ask him about Duchess Kate.

“Yes, it does get frustrating,” Middleton admitted. “I work incredibly hard — just like every other person in business and work and aside from the fact that yes, I am the brother of someone very important, I am, at the end of the day, just James.”

Boo hoo hoo hoo, bitch. I have zero sympathy for his ass. He’s doing just fine being Duchess Kate’s brother. First of all, he gets to sit at the same table as a drunken Prince Hot Ginge during holidays and afterward they probably play strip billiards. Anybody who regularly gets to see PHG’s ass cheeks royale and ginger crotch scepter shouldn’t complain about anything. Second of all, he’s in the marshmallow business. That is a dream job. Whenever someone at a party asks him what he does for a living, he gets to say, “I am a marshmallow mogul.” What am I saying? Nobody asks him what he does for a living. Like they give a shit. They just ask him what kind of shampoo his sister Duchess Kate uses.

Scott Stapp From Creed Is Down And Out In A Holiday Inn

November 27, 2014 / Posted by:

In the 90s, Scott Stapp was living the life as the head ho of Creed and he was making so much money that he could have his pick of the highest paid lot lizard in a Piggy Wiggly parking lot and could buy any brand of beer he wanted from the Circle K. Dude was living it. But how the mighty have fallen, because now Scott Stapp claims he’s as broke as my ear drums when I listen to a Creed song and is living in a Holiday Inn. I know, it can’t be THAT bad. Dude is living in a Holiday Inn! That shit is nicer than a lot of people’s apartment. If he really wants people to fart up loads of sympathy, he should say he’s living in a janitor closet at the Super 8.

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Woe Continues To Be Jon Gosselin

October 17, 2014 / Posted by:

The last time I wrote about Jon Gosselin’s living and job situation, he was working as a waiter and living in a cabin in the woods. Jon was fired from his waiter job last May because he didn’t show up to a lot of his shifts and he was always late. Jon later got a job at a credit card company and moved out of his cabin in the woods and into an apartment. But now UsWeekly is saying that he might soon be living in a tent made out of Ed Hardy t-shirts, because he doesn’t have a job anymore and his ass got evicted. Kate Gosselin’s plastic face just moved for the first time in months when she smiled and let out a high-pitched HAHA.

I guess shitting on the mother of his ten million kids to the tabloids doesn’t pay as much as it used to, because UsWeekly’s source says that he fell behind on rent and was kicked out of his place. Jon also broke up with the crazy trick he was on Couples Therapy with. Jon worked in IT before reality TV destroyed his life, but he says he can’t find a job in that field anymore. The source says that bad financial decisions (cut to the giant pile of Ed Hardy shit in his closet) are to blame for why he’s broke. A different source tells E! that he still doesn’t pay child support, but he sees his kids. Jon moved into a new place, but it’s way too small to fit his mountain of children.

“The saddest part of it is he now has nowhere to take the kids. He’s not allowed at the house, so he was taking them to his old apartment. But the new one is too small for eight children. It’s heartbreaking. Jon has asked friends for help, but no one wants to lend him money because they don’t see how he’d be able to pay it back.”

But you know, if you ask me, going from partying on the S.S. Douche with a French piece of fried salmon jerky to living in a studio apartment in rural Pennsylvania is an upgrade. If he needs a place to fit all of his kids, he can rent one of those U-Pack PODS for cheap.

Why do I have a feeling that the year 2007 is about to regurgitate on our eyes? TLC is only giving Kate “specials” and she’s hard-up for a full show. Jon is hard-up for cash. So I expect them to join together again to star in a reality show about two crazy divorced bitches living under one roof. Jon will once again have enough money to wine and dine his skanks and Kate will have another child to terrorize.

And if the tortured and mangled possum that used to live on Kate’s head comes back, it’ll really be like old times!

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