There’s a good reason for why in that picture Amy Schumer looks like she’d rather be taking selfies with fans while getting a pap smear from Edward Scissorhands in the middle of a subway platform in August. That’s because she would! Amy put on that busted dress to go to the parade of fancy assholes known as the Met Gala, and she told Howard Stern that it may as well have been held at a labor camp in North Korea, because it was torture! Let’s all join hands and say a prayer of thanks to the lord for the fact that Amy Schumer was somehow able to get through the pain and suffering of sipping fine champagne while staring at Idris Elba in a tux. She is so brave. So strong.
Ryan Lochte may be a lie-telling douche, but I still wish that headline read “Ryan Lochte Dropped His Speedo.”
Ryan Lochte admitted to Matt Lauer that he “over-exaggerated” what went down in the gas station in Rio and apologized for his “immature tantics” (Side note: “Tantics” sounds like the name of a tic your body develops after doing hours of tantric sex), but that wasn’t enough for some of his sponsors to forgive him. Ryan not only lost his last brain cell from trying to form sentences during his interview with Matt Lauer, but he also lost money. Ralph Lauren, GentleLase hair removal system and Speedo have all announced that they’re fucking done professionally with Ryan Lochte.
Instagram is a little less douchey today, because Justin Bieber has come through on his promise to lock out his fans from his page. After the Beliebers spit out gloppy drool balls of hate at the Biebs’ current girlfriend, 17-year-old Sofia Richie, on Instagram, he threatened to punish their evil asses by making his page private. Early this morning, the Biebs took his promise to another level by deleting himself from Instagram. But as some Beliebers put on their Janie and Jack brand black veils to mourn the death of their toddler god’s Instagram page, many others are celebrating like weed has been legalized everywhere, Kraft has brought back Jell-O 1-2-3 and Playboy Enterprises has announced that they’re launching Playginge and its inaugural issue will feature pictures of a naked Prince Hot Ginge. Many are happy and the hashtag #JustinBieberDeactivatedParty was trending for hours.
Yesterday, Allison brought us the news from TMZ that Kim Kartrashian probably won’t have to figure out a way to make prison-made Botox out of anus-numbing cream and pen ink from the commissary, because she and Kanye West didn’t commit a felony when they recorded and posted his telephone conversation with Taylor Swift about his song “Famous.” Only “confidential” conversations fall under California’s wiretapping law and since Kanye had Tay Tay on speaker and other people were in the room, it’s apparently not considered “confidential.” But that piece of information hasn’t stopped Taylor from putting together a mock trial, starring her cats and Furby collection, to practice for the day when she sees those whores in court!
Somewhere in Bill Cosby’s mansion, one of his assistants is writing the word “roofie” in Braille on his entire stash of ludes, because he reportedly can’t see shit anymore. Not only that, but Bill Cosby’s Pennsylvania mansion has become his prison and his only friends are the lawyers who are being paid to spend time with him. I’ll wait here as you strain your face while trying to squirt out one tear of sympathy for him…… Not happening? Yeah, didn’t think so. Moving on….
Bill Cosby has been figuratively blind for decades, but Page Six says that he’s totally blind now. One of Cosby’s lawyers (aka a paid friend) played that “Woe Is The Pudding Pop Don” card earlier this year when they said that prosecutors have chosen to go after a poor, little old blind man. Cosby has an eye condition call “keratoconus” that has caused him to go 100% blind in both eyes. The source spit this out:
“His alleged victims may take some solace in the fact that he’s in his own personal hell. He has been suffering from a degenerative eye disease and is completely blind . . . All his Hollywood friends have turned their backs on him. He is confined to his house in Pennsylvania, and the only person on his side is his wife, Camille, who is masterminding his defense. His only friends are the small army of lawyers on his payroll.”
Now, I’m not one to say that so-and-so’s personal hell is more of a personal hell than so-and-so’s personal hell, but I’m sure that the women Cosby allegedly drugged and raped are living in hell’s personal hell.
Cosby is expected to go to trial sometime this year, so Page Six’s story may be his lawyers’ way of starting their defense early by letting prospective jurors know that he’s been through enough. I mean, the man can’t even continue to pursue his favorite hobby of mixology anymore!
“Are you there God? It’s me, your greatest creation-shit, straight to voicemail again, yo!”
With help from a bunch of dancers wearing what looks like hospital gowns designed by Yeezy, Justin Bieber performed on the Billboard Music Awards, and he also won Top Male Artist. (“Top? Blehehehehe,” laughed Usher.) But even though Justin Bieber got a brand, new shiny award, he left the Billboard Music Awards feeling all empty inside. Today, the Biebs sharted up a “Dear Diary” entry on Instagram about award shows and it seems like he just realized 3 things that most of us have known forever:
- Award shows are pretty meaningless and are mainly just fluffy entertainment for those of us who need a reason to booze it up at home on a Sunday.
- Many tricks in the audience at an awards show are there because they’re a camera whore. (And because there’s an open bar involved, but mostly because they’re a camera whore.)
- Those of us who watch at home grade, judge and rate every performance.
The Biebs just figured this out and it has hit him hard. It’s as if he just found out that Santy Claus is not a real thing. (Note to The Biebs’ parents: Wait until next Christmas to tell him the truth about Santy. He’s already been through enough this year.) The Biebs “Deep Thoughts” message is after the cut, and he pasted it under a picture of the Rock of Cashel Castle, because again, he deep.