Category: Woe Is You

Justin Bieber Is Just Way Too Deep For Award Shows

May 23, 2016 / Posted by:

“Are you there God? It’s me, your greatest creation-shit, straight to voicemail again, yo!”

With help from a bunch of dancers wearing what looks like hospital gowns designed by Yeezy, Justin Bieber performed on the Billboard Music Awards, and he also won Top Male Artist. (“Top? Blehehehehe,” laughed Usher.) But even though Justin Bieber got a brand, new shiny award, he left the Billboard Music Awards feeling all empty inside. Today, the Biebs sharted up a “Dear Diary” entry  on Instagram about award shows and it seems like he just realized 3 things that most of us have known forever:

  1. Award shows are pretty meaningless and are mainly just fluffy entertainment for those of us who need a reason to booze it up at home on a Sunday.
  2. Many tricks in the audience at an awards show are there because they’re a camera whore. (And because there’s an open bar involved, but mostly because they’re a camera whore.)
  3. Those of us who watch at home grade, judge and rate every performance.

The Biebs just figured this out and it has hit him hard. It’s as if he just found out that Santy Claus is not a real thing. (Note to The Biebs’ parents: Wait until next Christmas to tell him the truth about Santy. He’s already been through enough this year.) The Biebs “Deep Thoughts” message is after the cut, and he pasted it under a picture of the Rock of Cashel Castle, because again, he deep.

Charlize Theron FINALLY Sheds Light On The Plight Of Tall, Gorgeous Actresses

April 5, 2016 / Posted by:

Don’t hate Charlize Theron for looking beautiful even while suffering from coke burn (see: picture above).

To think, us average-faced homelies used to think that all of you tall, gorgeous people have it so easy. You mostly get hired for a job over an ugly troll. You get promotions quicker too. You also don’t even have to think about bringing your wallet to the bar, because some trick will always buy you a cup of the sweet nectar. And whenever you want hot dick, you just swipe right and BOOM, hot dick lands in your lap. Sometimes when I’m in a long ass line at Trader Joe’s, I wish that I was hot, because then I’d be able to cut in front of all of the dowdy regulars. They’d be happy about it too, because then they’d have a better view of my beauty. But you know, I don’t think that gorgeous people have it good anymore. Charlize Theron, the Martin Luther King Jr. of tall, gorgeous people, has exposed fugly people privilege and opened up our eyes to the suffering of the beautiful ones!

So, Now It Makes Sense Why Channing Tatum Can’t Stand Alex Pettyfer

December 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Either Alex Pettyfer or Alex Pettyfer’s people (Does he have those?) have been trying to paint him as the new “bad boy” of Hollywood for years. Alex is supposedly shitty to work with and he bragged to VMan about how he got the words “thank you” tattooed over his dick just in case he forgets to say it. (I love a cocky b-hole douche so that made me swoon inside a little, but it turns out that his “thank you” tattoo is actually his name in Japanese. Getting your name tattooed in any language on your body is a zillion times more douchey than getting “thank you” inked into your crotch.) After Magic Mike came out, there was a rumor that Channing would rather toss a bitchy armadillo’s salad than work with Alex again.

They fought and Channing told people that he wants nothing to do with Alex. Alex was recently on Bret Easton Ellis’ podcast B.E.E. (via People) and he confirmed that yup, Channing hates him and he admits that it’s mostly his fault.

Justin Bieber Is Becoming A Junior Master At Quitting Things

October 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Yesterday, Justin Bieber, a proud graduate of Kanye West’s Nurse School of Doucheness, walked out in the middle of an interview with a Spanish radio station, because he didn’t like the question about who dresses him (a slow clap for that shady question) and other questions that didn’t have to do with his music. The Biebs made it perfectly clear with his facial expressions that he was over it and he left without saying so much as an “adios, bitch!” The truth is, the Beibs is showing a little bit of maturity, because in the past, he would’ve thrown a hissy fight and cried until his au pair ran in, stuck a Sizzurp-dipped pacifier in his cry hole and carried him out while burping him. Well, today, Justin Bieber walked out on something again, but this time he walked out on a bunch of his fans who buy his music and keep him in the finest saggy diaper pants money can buy .

Right before a performance for a TV show in Oslo, Norway, some of his fans in the front row spilled water. The Biebs tried to clean it up at first, but after scolding his fans, he said fuck it and dramatically exited the stage. Justin’s dramatic asshole stage exit gets a solid F from me, because he didn’t throw an invisible scarf around his shoulder, arch his back and do a jazz walk offstage.

The Biebs later burped up an apology on Instragram and said that he’s sowwy. He’s just got the tireds real bad!

Sadly it’s Been a rough week for me, long days no sleep, while having to be “on” as they would say for cameras fans etc. In no way did I mean to come across mean, but chose to end the show as the people in the front row would not listen. Hopefully people will understand where I am coming from. I don’t always handle things the right way but I’m human and I’m working on getting better at responding not reacting. Unfortunately people were affected by this as am I. For the people in the back I am so sorry and for anyone I may have disappointed im sorry. Sorry for wasting the tv people’s time I’ll be sure to make it up to you next time on tour.. With love Justin.

What’s really shitty is that I don’t even think that’s spilled water. Justin Bieber probably temporarily forgot his potty training and had an accident on the stage. Then he not only blamed it on his fans, but he bitched them out for it. That’s more cold-hearted than letting out a fart and blaming it on your puppy. And Ellen DeGeneres better leave a chair vacant for him, because her show will be his first stop on his Apology 2.0 Tour.

Pic: Wenn.com

Dear Commenters, Robert Pattinson Doesn’t Think Most Of You Are Normal

September 25, 2015 / Posted by:

All together now: I resemble that comment, you foot-faced asshole!

NME Magazine asked Robert Pattinson what he thinks about the racist comments that crazed trolls spewed out and continue to spew out about his girlfriend FKA Twigs. That question led to RPattz talking about the commenters of the Internet and how to him, most comment sections are dark, smelly dungeons where faceless blob demons mouth shit out hate. (Side note: I do write “mouth-shitting faceless dungeon demon” as my occupation on my tax returns.) According to RPattz, comment sections, like the one on YouTube, are cesspools of hate, because no normal person ever leaves a comment.

“I was talking to my dad about this and I bet him that if he looked up Nelson Mandela’s funeral on YouTube, the first comment would be a racist one. And it was, with like a million upvotes.

What I don’t get is why. I think it’s because most normal people are not commenters – I’ve never met anyone who’s left a comment on anything. It’s just demons who live in basements. You have this weird thing where you end up trying to fight against this faceless blob, where the more you hate it, the bigger it gets, because it’s all in your head.”

I don’t know if he realizes that he just insulted a huge chunk of his fanbase since they leave insane comments about him on blogs. But then again, they’re not normal, so carry on, RPattz.

RPattz went on to say that sometimes when he’s in a place where he hates himself, he decides to suffer even more by Googling his name. I guess it’s cheaper and less messy than paying a dominatrix to piss on his face and spit in his eyes.

“I go through periods where I don’t do it at all and feel glorious! Then I’ll fall back into this pit. It really does affect you, and it all comes from some moron sitting on a comment board. It’s always that person who’s needling away at you, who you either want to destroy, or convince them to love you.”

RPattz needs to get his facts straight. I don’t even live in a basement! I’m just a regular first floor demon. But really, I’m guessing that RPattz has never been to the Dlisted comment section where everyone loves each other, no one ever fights and we all say nice things like, “I just love that Robert Pattinson, he’s a wonderful actor and attractive human being,” while making each other friendship bracelets. #NOTALLCOMMENTERS!

Pic: Wenn.com

Duchess Kate’s Brother Is Frustrated About Being The Basement Baby To Her Beyonce

January 30, 2015 / Posted by:

James Middleton was interviewed by the app magazine TYD (via UsWeekly) because his sister is famous for marrying a dude whose claim to worldwide fame is being born. But poor James is sick of being known as Duchess Kate’s brother even though that’s the only reason people are checking for him. James wants to be known as James and not as Duchess Kate’s brother. If it makes Duchess Kate’s brother feel any better, I don’t only know him as Duchess Kate’s brother. I also know him as the dude who blow dryed his dick and pubes.

Duchess Kate’s brother talks about how he dropped out of the University of Edinburgh because he has Dyslexia and how he started Boomf, a company that lasers pictures onto marshmallows. Yes, that is a real company he started. Duchess Kate’s brother tells TYD that it’s annoying when people ask him about Duchess Kate.

“Yes, it does get frustrating,” Middleton admitted. “I work incredibly hard — just like every other person in business and work and aside from the fact that yes, I am the brother of someone very important, I am, at the end of the day, just James.”

Boo hoo hoo hoo, bitch. I have zero sympathy for his ass. He’s doing just fine being Duchess Kate’s brother. First of all, he gets to sit at the same table as a drunken Prince Hot Ginge during holidays and afterward they probably play strip billiards. Anybody who regularly gets to see PHG’s ass cheeks royale and ginger crotch scepter shouldn’t complain about anything. Second of all, he’s in the marshmallow business. That is a dream job. Whenever someone at a party asks him what he does for a living, he gets to say, “I am a marshmallow mogul.” What am I saying? Nobody asks him what he does for a living. Like they give a shit. They just ask him what kind of shampoo his sister Duchess Kate uses.

Scott Stapp From Creed Is Down And Out In A Holiday Inn

November 27, 2014 / Posted by:

In the 90s, Scott Stapp was living the life as the head ho of Creed and he was making so much money that he could have his pick of the highest paid lot lizard in a Piggy Wiggly parking lot and could buy any brand of beer he wanted from the Circle K. Dude was living it. But how the mighty have fallen, because now Scott Stapp claims he’s as broke as my ear drums when I listen to a Creed song and is living in a Holiday Inn. I know, it can’t be THAT bad. Dude is living in a Holiday Inn! That shit is nicer than a lot of people’s apartment. If he really wants people to fart up loads of sympathy, he should say he’s living in a janitor closet at the Super 8.

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Woe Continues To Be Jon Gosselin

October 17, 2014 / Posted by:

The last time I wrote about Jon Gosselin’s living and job situation, he was working as a waiter and living in a cabin in the woods. Jon was fired from his waiter job last May because he didn’t show up to a lot of his shifts and he was always late. Jon later got a job at a credit card company and moved out of his cabin in the woods and into an apartment. But now UsWeekly is saying that he might soon be living in a tent made out of Ed Hardy t-shirts, because he doesn’t have a job anymore and his ass got evicted. Kate Gosselin’s plastic face just moved for the first time in months when she smiled and let out a high-pitched HAHA.

I guess shitting on the mother of his ten million kids to the tabloids doesn’t pay as much as it used to, because UsWeekly’s source says that he fell behind on rent and was kicked out of his place. Jon also broke up with the crazy trick he was on Couples Therapy with. Jon worked in IT before reality TV destroyed his life, but he says he can’t find a job in that field anymore. The source says that bad financial decisions (cut to the giant pile of Ed Hardy shit in his closet) are to blame for why he’s broke. A different source tells E! that he still doesn’t pay child support, but he sees his kids. Jon moved into a new place, but it’s way too small to fit his mountain of children.

“The saddest part of it is he now has nowhere to take the kids. He’s not allowed at the house, so he was taking them to his old apartment. But the new one is too small for eight children. It’s heartbreaking. Jon has asked friends for help, but no one wants to lend him money because they don’t see how he’d be able to pay it back.”

But you know, if you ask me, going from partying on the S.S. Douche with a French piece of fried salmon jerky to living in a studio apartment in rural Pennsylvania is an upgrade. If he needs a place to fit all of his kids, he can rent one of those U-Pack PODS for cheap.

Why do I have a feeling that the year 2007 is about to regurgitate on our eyes? TLC is only giving Kate “specials” and she’s hard-up for a full show. Jon is hard-up for cash. So I expect them to join together again to star in a reality show about two crazy divorced bitches living under one roof. Jon will once again have enough money to wine and dine his skanks and Kate will have another child to terrorize.

And if the tortured and mangled possum that used to live on Kate’s head comes back, it’ll really be like old times!

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A Burglar Snatched $1 Million In Birkins And Jewels From This Texas Blossom’s 3,000 Square Foot Closet

August 4, 2014 / Posted by:

On Friday night, former Mrs. Texas United America and current humble rose of Houston, Theresa Roehmer, and her husband went to dinner at their country club and while they were filling their bodies with canary diamond lasagna and salads made of $100 bills and gold drizzle, a thieving theif broke into their mansion in the fancy Houston suburbs of The Woodlands and stole $1 million in luxury shit from her famous three-story, 3,000 square foot closet. The thief filled three of her Birkin bags (around $60,000 each) with priceless heirlooms and jewels. Before the burglary, Theresa Roehmer had 60 Birkin bags and now she only has 57. We should all take the rest of the day off and spend it standing near a freeway off-ramp while collecting coins in a Styrofoam cup, because this classy Botoxed daisy petal is down three Birkins and needs our help in rebuilding her life!

Theresa tells KHOU that the thief knew exactly what he was doing. He used a glass cutter and a patio umbrella to break through a window in a downstairs bathroom. He went directly to the closet Theresa calls her “female man-cave” (“Aww, that’s my nickname for Zac Efron’s asshole” – Michelle Rodriguez) and stuffed three of her Birkins with Rolex watches, diamonds and family heirlooms she can’t replace. Their alarm system wasn’t turned on and Theresa didn’t lock up her closet. Only one of their many security cameras caught the thief, but they didn’t get a shot of his face since it was covered with a mask. The former fitness center mogul (she owned a few gyms in Wyoming) and her husband, who comes from oil money, moved to The Woodlands after their last mansion got broken into. Apparently, the police don’t believe it’s an inside job.

“They say it doesn’t look like an inside job at all. They said it was very professional, like too professional. The police said it could have been somebody that, like I said, saw all the publicity, Google Earthed it, figured it all out, flew in here, who knows?

He took heirloom items that were passed to me from my husband’s mother that has passed away. I mean I don’t care about all this crap. I really don’t care about this crap. I care about the stuff that was passed to me. No one deserves this. I don’t care if you’re wealthy. I don’t care if you’re poor. Your personal belongings are your personal belongings.”

Uneducated whores have called Theresa’s closet “the biggest closet in the world” and those dumbasses obviously don’t know about the luxurious closet that John Travolta has lived in for years. Theresa regularly whores out the closet that’s bigger than most people’s house. Theresa gave Good Morning America a tour of it recently, it’s been in Elle Magazine and she hosts charity events in there.

Here’s Theresa’s face almost melting as she shows the news the empty shelves where her Birkins and jewelry used to be. Theresa Roehmer was obviously plucked from the same humble silicone rose bush that the Queen of Versailles was plucked from.

She is filled with so much grief that she can barely move her natural face and natural lips!

So, Theresa has been robbed before, she’s bragged about her opulent closet all over TV and yet she didn’t turn on her security system and/or lock up her treasure trove of luxuries before leaving her house at night? Do I need Detective La Toya to tell me this is an insurance fraud situation or should I just know that already since it’s obvious? NO! This is obviously not an insurance fraud situation. Theresa Roehmer’s spit balls are worth more than $1 million! Some cold-hearted, dead-souled criminal preyed on a beauty’s trust in her community and heartlessly stole 1/900000000th of her net worth. This is an American tragedy. If a tacky millionaire’s unsecured, ridiculous closet of overpriced luxuries isn’t safe, is ANYTHING safe?

And I’m with Theresa friends on Twitter, I am sincerely sorry for her loss.

How will she ever go on now that she only owns 57 Birkin bags?!

Pics: Neiman Marcus Blog

Growing Up Pretty Was Hard: The Kate Upton Edition

July 30, 2014 / Posted by:

Let’s all put our money together and hire a bunch of wailing women to cry for Kate Upton, because when the poor thing was a kid she suffered from a severe disability called being pretty. Before Kate Upton used her huge tits and looks to make millions upon millions of dollars, she was just a regular Florida farm girl whose prettiness was an “inconvenience.” (“Inconvenience?!  You’d think the prettiest cow in the farm would get all the attention and be saved from the slaughter house every time.” – Carol Alt)

Kate Upton, the future chairwoman of the We Survived Being Pretty Foundation, tells Elle UK (via E!) that she was always pretty, but when she was a girl, being pretty hurt her rather than helped her. That isn’t the only thing that will pull at your eye rolling muscle. Kate also said that she’d happily give up all her millions and fame to go back to living a simple life on the farm. The Anna Nicole of this generation (sans charisma, smarts and a hot side kick like Assistant Kimmy) spit out these dingles to Elle UK:

On growing up pretty: “Living on a farm, beauty doesn’t get you anywhere. Because I was pretty didn’t mean I could convince my sister to do my chores. It was kind of inconvenient to be pretty, growing up.”

On how money means nothing to her: “I feel like I’m rich because I love my family and friends. I love my horse and my dog. I would be fine leaving all of this behind and living on a farm somewhere.”

On how she thanked God when her gigantic chichis popped up on her chest: “I was really excited about becoming a woman. Because I’m from Florida, it’s all about being in bathing suits. It’s a different view of beauty there. You are ugly if you don’t have a curvy body. And I didn’t have one, and then I got one, and thought, ‘Yessss!’ And then people say, ‘Oh, wow, you’re healthy.’ And you’re like, ‘Wait – what?’ I’ve been begging for this body my whole life!’”

Inconvenient” doesn’t mean what Kate Upton thinks it means, but I’ll give her a pass. During that interview, words and definitions got mixed up in that empty helium tank head of hers, because she was really frazzled from reliving the traumatic experience of growing up pretty. Those of us who were awkward, homely and a mess as kids looked at the pretty, white girls and figured they had it good. We were not only wrong to judge, but we were flat-out wrong. They had it worse! That Twilight Zone episode is real. Thank you, Kate Upton, for bringing this taboo subject to the surface. Kate Upton is so brave and so courageous. #NotAllPrettyGirls

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