Category: Woe Is You

Growing Up Pretty Was Hard: The Kate Upton Edition

July 30, 2014 / Posted by:

Let’s all put our money together and hire a bunch of wailing women to cry for Kate Upton, because when the poor thing was a kid she suffered from a severe disability called being pretty. Before Kate Upton used her huge tits and looks to make millions upon millions of dollars, she was just a regular Florida farm girl whose prettiness was an “inconvenience.” (“Inconvenience?!  You’d think the prettiest cow in the farm would get all the attention and be saved from the slaughter house every time.” – Carol Alt)

Kate Upton, the future chairwoman of the We Survived Being Pretty Foundation, tells Elle UK (via E!) that she was always pretty, but when she was a girl, being pretty hurt her rather than helped her. That isn’t the only thing that will pull at your eye rolling muscle. Kate also said that she’d happily give up all her millions and fame to go back to living a simple life on the farm. The Anna Nicole of this generation (sans charisma, smarts and a hot side kick like Assistant Kimmy) spit out these dingles to Elle UK:

On growing up pretty: “Living on a farm, beauty doesn’t get you anywhere. Because I was pretty didn’t mean I could convince my sister to do my chores. It was kind of inconvenient to be pretty, growing up.”

On how money means nothing to her: “I feel like I’m rich because I love my family and friends. I love my horse and my dog. I would be fine leaving all of this behind and living on a farm somewhere.”

On how she thanked God when her gigantic chichis popped up on her chest: “I was really excited about becoming a woman. Because I’m from Florida, it’s all about being in bathing suits. It’s a different view of beauty there. You are ugly if you don’t have a curvy body. And I didn’t have one, and then I got one, and thought, ‘Yessss!’ And then people say, ‘Oh, wow, you’re healthy.’ And you’re like, ‘Wait – what?’ I’ve been begging for this body my whole life!’”

Inconvenient” doesn’t mean what Kate Upton thinks it means, but I’ll give her a pass. During that interview, words and definitions got mixed up in that empty helium tank head of hers, because she was really frazzled from reliving the traumatic experience of growing up pretty. Those of us who were awkward, homely and a mess as kids looked at the pretty, white girls and figured they had it good. We were not only wrong to judge, but we were flat-out wrong. They had it worse! That Twilight Zone episode is real. Thank you, Kate Upton, for bringing this taboo subject to the surface. Kate Upton is so brave and so courageous. #NotAllPrettyGirls

Jennifer Garner Broke Up Ben Affleck’s Bromance With Kevin Smith, So Says Kevin Smith

July 29, 2014 / Posted by:

In the early 2000s, Kevin Smith and Ben Affleck were best brofriends forever, but then Jennifer Garner came along and took a sledgehammer to their happy bromance home. Kevin was in San Diego last week for Comic-Con and Yahoo! Movies asked him if Ben Affleck was in town to promote that Batman v. Superman mess and Kevin used that time to call out Jennifer Garner for being a bromance-wrecking killer of dude bro dreams and friendships. Kevin says that Jennifer doesn’t like seeing his face or hearing him talk and she’s pretty much the reason why Ben Affleck kicked him out of his life the same way Southwest kicked him off of their plane for being too fat to fly.

“Great question. I don’t know, because we’re not fucking tight. I have not been [close with him] in decades. That’s old Ben. He’s got a wife that don’t care for me at all [Laughs]. And plus, honestly, he probably don’t care for me at all anymore. He’s a triple-A-list movie star and shit like that. If he’s Jimmy Carter, I’m Billy Carter, to put it in ’70s terms. And I’m not even related and shit.”

Kevin Smith obviously still holds onto the half-broken BFFs4EVA heart pendant that he and Ben bought together at Claire’s, because he can’t let go. Yahoo! Movies also points out that during his Silent Bob Speaks show at Carnegie Hall earlier this month, Kevin’s XXXXXL denim culottes twisted up into his asshole when he told the audience that Jennifer Garner’s funny bone was replaced with a stick up her ass and she sucked the raunchiness out of Ben:

“Jennifer does not share the same sense of humor as me — she did not like my jokes. I was picking on Ben Affleck making fun of him because I’ve known him for a really long time — I was talking smack — and Jennifer goes, ‘You know, if you keep saying stuff about him, I’m going to kick your ass.’ And she could — I’ve seen Alias. She has a real girly sense of humor and didn’t understand that I was kidding.

I remember talking to Ben and being like, ‘I know your lady is not finding me amusing. Ben, I’ve known you for years, and you are far sicker than I am!’ His jokes are way dirtier than mine. He’s made jokes to me, and I’ve been like, ‘Ben, you need to go to church.’”

It’s the worst when a friend’s new ho hates you. My best friend in high school dated this asshole-wrapped cunt burger who controlled her completely and didn’t want her to have any friends. True story, he once cut a slit in the Tasmanian Devil stuffed toy she kept on her bed and put some of his hair in it, because he wanted her to hug a piece of him at night. He was like Marky Mark in Fear without the six-pack. We fought all the time and he told me once that I just wanted to fuck her. After he said those words to me, I immediately punched out the address to the nearest hospital in Braille on a piece of paper and gave it to him, because his eyeballs obviously needed emergency medical attention since he couldn’t see that I look like the last person who wants to get intimate with a coochie.

But really, Kevin Smith is so full of shit. A trick with the initials JG is the reason why his and Ben’s friendship died, but it’s not Jennifer Garner. It’s Jersey Girl! That smegma-covered turd destroyed friendships, lives and everything else.

Arya Stark From Game Of Thrones Slaps At British Airways For Not Letting Her Into The Business Class Lounge

July 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Teenagers really have it the worst and rich, famous teenagers have it worser than worse, because they’re used to hearing “yes” most of the time, but every now and again some evil torturer has to tell them “no” and being told “no” when you’re a famous teenager is worse than getting shot at during war (that line is sponsored by a teenage Goopy Paltrow). 17-year-old Maisie Williams from Game of Thrones knows what I’m talking about, because over the weekend she suffered through some real struggle when she tried to sashay into British Airways’ business class lounge and was denied at the door because she’s under the age of 18. British Airways told The Daily Mail that kids under the age of 18 aren’t allowed into the business class lounge without a parent, because there’s a beautiful, unattended, self-serve open bar in there and we all know that teenagers would guzzle all of it down if they could, because they’re greedy.

Maisie and her luxurious Woolly Bear Caterpillar brows didn’t take their plight to the United Nations since their human rights were obviously violated. But Maisie did jump onto Twitter and yelled at British Airways, because she, a Business Class-paying Business Class citizen, should be able to stand on Business Class soil.

woeismaisiewilliams

So Maisie Williams, a celebrity, was denied entrance into the British Airways business class lounge and nothing was done about it? I take back everything I said about Kanye West. He was absolutely, one hundred percent right as usual! Celebrities are treated exactly the way black people were in 1960s America!

Megan Fox Is Tired Of Being A Working Mom

June 24, 2014 / Posted by:

I was going to say that Megan Fox is GOOP-ing at the mouth, but then I remembered that Megan Fox has been making our brain cells curl by spewing out cold, stupid bullshit for years. So if anything, Goopy Paltrow is FOX-ing at the mouth. Glad we could clear that up.

So, Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green recently paid $3.35 million for Bing Crosby’s carriage house in Toluca Lake, CA and that money came from all the millions upon millions of dollar she makes for lazily saying pre-written lines in front of a camera and giving off the emotion of a discarded, drenched flip flop lying in a gutter during a rainstorm. But Megan tells Parents Magazine that she’s really not into getting overpaid for a job she’s shitty at anymore. Megan would much rather be at her home with her son, but since David Silver’s Beverly Hills 90210 and Kickboxer 2 residual checks aren’t paying the bills, she has to “work” for her kid’s future. It’s really, really hard for the frozen mannequin since her heart isn’t in her work anymore. I know, Megan Fox’s heart isn’t in acting? We all thought Megan Fox was so into acting that she’d rip her own throat out with her nails if someone told her she could no longer recite the words of Shakespeare on the stage again. Megan Fox really fooled us (and Mickey Rourke). She really is the greatest actress of our time.

Here’s Megan woe-ing about working 3 weeks a year:

The main thing it does is it affects how much I’m willing to work. I’ve never been an extraordinarily ambitious girl or career-oriented, but especially once I got pregnant with my first son and now [having] my second, it’s so hard to be a working mom especially when your heart is not in your work, when your heart is with your family. I have to make one movie a year because I have to invest in their future and I have to be able to pay their way through college and be able to provide for them. I’m looking for movies that will shoot in Los Angeles, for projects where I’m part of an ensemble so I can shoot in and out in 10-20 days. It’s all about trying to spend as little time away from my kids as possible.

My single working mother feels Megan Fox. She wanted to work only a week or two a year and spend the rest of the time with us. But then she thought about it and realized that “cuddling under a freeway overpass to stay warm, “diving in Jack In The Box dumpsters for breakfast,” and “knife fighting hobos for a half-eaten burrito” isn’t exactly the best kind of mother/children bonding.

And I bet when Megan told David Silver that she wants to stay at home with their sons and wants to cut back on work, he dropped the video game controller for the first time that day, put his fingers in his ears and shouted, “I’m not listening! Lalalalalalalalalalala!

The TSA Got All Up In Mini-Me’s Ass Yesterday

June 16, 2014 / Posted by:

Actor, reality show mess and sex tape star (Do not click on that link if you went through weeks upon weeks of hypnotherapy to rid your head of the image of Mini-Me mouth boning a trick with his baby carrot tongue.) Verne Troyer posted this picture on Facebook yesterday of a TSA agent practically performing a prostate exam on him during a search. We should all feel safer knowing that the TSA searched Mini-Me’s mini ass crack for weapons of destruction like knives, guns or a copy of The Love Guru.

Meanwhile, as that TSA agent acted out a scene straight out of John Travolta’s personal massage room, Peter Dinklage whizzed by the security line on a chauffeured airport cart chariot. This would’ve never happened to Peter Dinklage.

via TMZ

ScarJo Hates “ScarJo” And Has Something To Say About That SodaStream Controversy

April 8, 2014 / Posted by:

ScarJo is engaged to a hot French open-eyed Josh Hartnett type, has a baby growing in her body, has a pair of magnificent chichis and gets paid millions of dollars to “act” even though what she doesn’t shouldn’t be called “acting,” and yet she’s still out there bitching, complaining and whining about stuff. ScarJo, you have heavenly cloud chichis and can shop at Whole Foods without looking at the prices, what more do you want?! Well, apparently ScarJo hates the name ScarJo and wishes whores would stop typing it. During an interview with Glamour (via People), ScarJo spit out some backwash from 2011 when she bitched that the nickname “ScarJo” is lazy, tacky and insulting and is something a pop star calls herself. ScarJo is obviously calling out JLo and that’s her way of saying that in the battle of TITS vs. ASS, TITS win. Cry more, SCARJO.

“I associate that name with, like, pop stars. It sounds tacky. It’s lazy and flippant. And there’s something kind of violent about it. There’s something insulting about it.”

This bitch. ScatHo should be grateful that we’re not calling her ass, “Who?“, or “the last place loser on Dancing with the Has-Beens.” The nickname ScarJo is the opposite of offensive, but ScarJo just proved that it’s the perfect nickname for her. It’s lazy, flippant and tacky, just like her! And now that I know that it makes her nipples burn, I’ll scream it forever!

SCARJOSCARJOSCARJOSCARJOSCARJOSCARJOSCARJOSCARJOSCJARO!

And during an interview with Vanity Fair (via JJ), SCARJO was asked about breaking up with OxFam after she signed up to be the spokestits of SodaStream, which has a factory on the West Bank. ScarJo basically said that the people hating on her for being the face of a soda water machine company that has a factory in the West Bank are anti-semitic.

“[I'm being called] the new face of apartheid. There’s a lot of anti-Semitism out there.”

So wait, would she rather her nickname be “The New Face of Apartheid” over “ScarJo,” because I’m confused and I need to know what to update my tags with.

Shia LaDouche Is Really Sorry For Being A Drunken Shit Head

January 17, 2014 / Posted by:

After Shia LaDouche showed a dude in a South London pub how funky strong is his fight, he threw a bucket of ice on his throbbing, crusted-over b-hole of rage and poured out the kind of “woe is me” monologue a 15-year-old would pour out after drinking half of a beer for the first time. That’s the worst. It’s a buzz killer when you’re trying to enjoy a damn beer and some chewed-off scab starts going through their shit right in front of you. And LaDouche is going through it. Well, somebody recorded Shia’s drunken apology and gave it to TMZ, of course. It goes on and on and on. Shia spits out about how he just wants peace and he’s more normal than normal. I kept waiting for LaDouche to get up, stumble over to a baby grand piano in the corner and lie against it before slurring out his version of “Nobody Knows The Trouble I’ve Seen.”

And for the first time in the history of EVERYTHING, Lindsay Lohan finally has a reason to sue. Bitch can sue Shia LaDouche for copying her entire life.

Being On The Cover Of Sports Illustrated Made Kate Upton Feel Terrible About Herself

August 8, 2013 / Posted by:

If any living, breathing human, married or whatever, came up to me and said that slather lube on my picture and hump it hard without caring about getting paper cuts on their genitals, I’d take is the greatest compliment since some stranger bitch at a Jack in the Box in Palmdale, CA loudly said, “That’s a lot of gay!” after I walked in. But Kate Upton says that after the 2012 Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition cover that turned her into a STAAAAHHH!!! came out and married dudes started hitting on her, she felt the same way one feels when the coke high wears off after boning Charlie Sheen. She felt like she wanted to cry under a shower of hot bleach. Kate tells Elle says that after her SI cover came out, a lot of dudes skipped over the line and treated her like a blow-up doll:

“After my first Sports Illustrated cover, I felt terrible about myself for a solid month. Every single guy I met was either married or about to be married, and I felt like I was their bachelor present or something. I’m not a toy, I’m a human. I’m not here to be used. I am a grown woman, and you need to figure your shit out.”

Kate has a point and is right. Nobody likes to be objectified (except for me, OBJECTIFY ME! OBJECTIFY ME, PLEASE!), but when you’re shaking your chichis in a video shot by Terry Richardson, posing in a silly string bikini top and taking a picture with your titties holding a Las Vegas glass, most hos aren’t going to look at that and say, “What an attractive glass. At which souvenir shop in Las Vegas can I buy that?” But I guess Kate Upton quickly got over feeling like crap for a month, because she did the cover again the next year.

Kate Upton also said this stuff to Elle:

On how people think she’s a dumb model, but she’s really a blond genius who is plotting to pull one over on them: “People deal with models like they are children. They think they can pull one over on you. It’s actually funny. I’m always like, I’m about to pull something on you, and you’re so focused on thinking I’m dumb you’re not even going to know.”

On why she got a cross tattoo: “I was at a photo shoot and I was wearing a cross necklace that my mom bought me, and somebody made a joke like, ‘Why are you wearing a cross? Like you would be religious.’ And then they took [my necklace] away. I was really affected by that. The whole thing made me realize that I do want [a cross] with me, at all times.”

On if she’s dating Maks from Dancing with the Has-Beens: “I really have never had a serious relationship in the industry. I’m just having fun. Obviously I have a very busy schedule at this time in my life, and I don’t put relationships as a priority.”

I don’t think they’re focused on thinking Kate’s dumb, I think they’re focused on her chichiiiiiiiiiiiiiis or her A- eyebrow situation (it need more villainess arch to get an A+).

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Nigella Lawson’s Husband Announces That He’s Divorcing Her, Remains An Utter Piece Of Trash While Doing So

July 6, 2013 / Posted by:

Last month, Nigella Lawson’s advertising mogul husband Charles Saatchi was photographed choking her out during an argument at a restaurant in London. Choke You Out Charlie said at the time that they were just playing Chris Brown’s favorite game and he was barely grasping at her neck. The police gave Charlie a slap on the wrist and let him waltz away. During all of this, Nigella kept her lips shut and didn’t say anything. Nigella not saying anything said everything. She and her two kids from a previous marriage moved out of the house when the pictures came out. And now Nigella and Charles’ marriage is dead.

Charles said in a statement to The Daily Mail that he’s divorcing Nigella after 10 years of marriage, because she didn’t defend him at all to the media. Charles didn’t even call or tell Nigella to her face that he’s divorcing her, so she’s probably finding out by reading it in The Daily Mail. THAT BITCH Charles has zero shame. Charles wouldn’t know shame if it wrapped its fingers around his neck and choked him out. Charles went on to say that he’s not a lady beater and that Nigella has held his neck during fights too. Here’s Charles’ full statement, but if you don’t feel like reading it, just fart into your hand and smell it. Both will leave the scent of shit in your nostrils, but smelling your own fart is less painful and probably a better use of your time.

chalresdivorcingnigella

Charles also tells The Daily Mail that on the day the pictures came out, Nigella’s publicist told him to publicly apologize and say that he was ashamed that he went after his wife like that. Charles refused to and after Nigella told him that he should listen to her publicist, they had another fight and he kicked her out of the house. Charles feels like Nigella chose her publicist over him and he’s mad at her for not telling the press that he never hit her.

A friend of Nigella’s tells The Daily Mail that she didn’t like that Charles called it a “playful tiff” and she didn’t want to spit out any words of support for him, because it would look like she was covering up for his ass. Nigella’s “friend” went on to say:

“Nigella has given a statement to the police that Charles has never hit her and she hoped it would be widely reported but it wasn’t. She is deeply private and doesn’t want to make any statement herself or have ­people pick over her marriage. She thinks the pictures are very humiliating. She’s embarrassed and ashamed that she is being portrayed as a victim of domestic violence and her husband as a wife beater. If only he’d said in the first place that the pictures were horrific and he was very ashamed, she says she could have pointed out that he’d never hurt her.”

Charles is the pus oozing out of an anal wart (no offense to the pus oozing out of an anal wart). What a shit-covered asshole he is. Using The Daily Mail to tell Nigella that he’s divorcing her and then blaming the divorce on her is just some evil shit and Mel Gibson wishes he would’ve came up with that when he broke up with that Russian pianist.

And of course everyone should feel sorry for Charles. Charles is the real victim here and we should start a Kickstarter to buy a thousand Band-Aids to put on his bruised ass ego. Why won’t anybody think of Charles Saatchi?!

Alec Baldwin Is Forever Done With Twitter And Wants To Quit Acting

July 3, 2013 / Posted by:

Poor, poor Alec Baldwin. Everybody is out to get him and as driven him away from Twitter and is driving his ass away from acting. Alec buried his Twitter account for good last week after a “toxic little queen” from The Daily Mail falsely claimed that his wife Hilaria Baldwin was tweeting about dumb shit during James Gandolfini’s funeral. Alec also quit Twitter because it’s kind of hard to to tweet when both of your hands are nailed to the cross. Even @itsjesusbitch couldn’t’ do it.

At the opening of the Rock Paper Photo collection, which Alec “curated,” in NYC last night, Vanity Fair asked him if he’s ever going to make a grand return to Twatter and he said that he had a Twitter revelation while at James Gandolfini’s funeral.

Never. No. I went to Jimmy Gandolfini’s funeral, and when I was there I realized Jimmy Gandolfini didn’t have Twitter. Jimmy Gandolfini was so beloved as a person, and he was so admired as an actor, and he didn’t give a fuck about social media.

I really learned a lesson at the funeral. I said to myself, This is all a waste of time. Meaning it’s fun sometimes, but less and less, and less. It’s just another chink (Ed. note: RACIST!)  in your armor for people to come and kill you. I stopped and said to myself, I’m going to try where I just don’t do this anymore.

If Twitter is on your brain while you’re at your friend’s funeral, you’re doing memorializing wrong. THIS BITCH’s finger is probably hovering over the reactivate button right now. Twitter’s least favorite cranky bitch old uncle will be back.

Alec went on to say that he’d really love to take his final bow and quit the acting game forever:

I’m having a baby. And everyone has seen how certain things have played out with my daughter, which as been very painful—it’s been really unpleasant. That has consequences, and I do not want that to happen with my next child. I have one dream in my life and that is that this daughter I’m having—she comes to me about seven or eight years from now, she has a friend, and she’s at her house and she says, “Daddy, Susie’s mom says you used to be on TV. Daddy, is that true?” She has no knowledge of me as a public person. That would be heaven for me.

So is he really quitting acting?

I’d love to if I could, yeah. That would be the greatest thing in the world.

I see what Alec is doing here. He’s doing what I do when a boyfriend dumps my ass and kicks me out when I don’t want to be dumped or kicked out. You know, I scream about how I’m so happy he finally freed me from his dumb ass and then I slowly (really slowly) pack my stuff while telling him that he better not try to stop me and I’m totally leaving forever and I’m changing my number but I’m changing it tomorrow so if he wants to call me he better call tonight but I probably won’t answer the phone and I’m really leaving this time but I have to take a shower for the road first and I’m going to leave the bathroom door unlocked in case he wants to come in and apologize to me and I’m really leaving after that. Meanwhile, he’s just standing there holding the front door for me.

Alec is not done with Twitter and he’s not done with acting. If he quit acting and moved to the middle of nowhere, he wouldn’t have any paps to scream at and he wouldn’t be able to call Daily Mail writers “toxic little queens” on Twitter when they write some fake story about his trophy wife. Screaming at bitches is Alec’s oxygen.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

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