Since we’ve already brought you one traumatic tale of the trials and tribulations of a bright shining A-lister in the universe, I’ll bring you another one.
Mischa Barton was the second one knocked out of the 22nd season of Dancing with the Has-Beens and Never-Wases and just like the viewers who watched her attempts at dancing, she screamed out a hallelujah after she was told to jazz walk off the plank. Mischa always looks miserable in the mug, but on DWTS, she really had DMV face (the face you make while waiting at the DMV) and a wet branch has better dancing skills than her. On DWTS, Mischa’s facial expressions were set to “Kristen Stewart taking a shower,” and on the inside she was “Kristen Stewart taking a looong shower.” It was agony for her and she hated every kick ball change.
Way back in January it was reported that semi-professional broke person Tori Spelling was in possession of a $37,981.97 Amex bill that Candy Spelling definitely wasn’t going to pay. Tori sent them a check for $1,070, which of course bounced. The deadbeat department at AmEx clearly got tired of waiting for a payment. E! News says that on August 11, a judge ordered a default judgement against Tori and demanded she pay Amex.
There’s a good reason for why in that picture Amy Schumer looks like she’d rather be taking selfies with fans while getting a pap smear from Edward Scissorhands in the middle of a subway platform in August. That’s because she would! Amy put on that busted dress to go to the parade of fancy assholes known as the Met Gala, and she told Howard Stern that it may as well have been held at a labor camp in North Korea, because it was torture! Let’s all join hands and say a prayer of thanks to the lord for the fact that Amy Schumer was somehow able to get through the pain and suffering of sipping fine champagne while staring at Idris Elba in a tux. She is so brave. So strong.
Ryan Lochte may be a lie-telling douche, but I still wish that headline read “Ryan Lochte Dropped His Speedo.”
Ryan Lochte admitted to Matt Lauer that he “over-exaggerated” what went down in the gas station in Rio and apologized for his “immature tantics” (Side note: “Tantics” sounds like the name of a tic your body develops after doing hours of tantric sex), but that wasn’t enough for some of his sponsors to forgive him. Ryan not only lost his last brain cell from trying to form sentences during his interview with Matt Lauer, but he also lost money. Ralph Lauren, GentleLase hair removal system and Speedo have all announced that they’re fucking done professionally with Ryan Lochte.
Instagram is a little less douchey today, because Justin Bieber has come through on his promise to lock out his fans from his page. After the Beliebers spit out gloppy drool balls of hate at the Biebs’ current girlfriend, 17-year-old Sofia Richie, on Instagram, he threatened to punish their evil asses by making his page private. Early this morning, the Biebs took his promise to another level by deleting himself from Instagram. But as some Beliebers put on their Janie and Jack brand black veils to mourn the death of their toddler god’s Instagram page, many others are celebrating like weed has been legalized everywhere, Kraft has brought back Jell-O 1-2-3 and Playboy Enterprises has announced that they’re launching Playginge and its inaugural issue will feature pictures of a naked Prince Hot Ginge. Many are happy and the hashtag #JustinBieberDeactivatedParty was trending for hours.
Yesterday, Allison brought us the news from TMZ that Kim Kartrashian probably won’t have to figure out a way to make prison-made Botox out of anus-numbing cream and pen ink from the commissary, because she and Kanye West didn’t commit a felony when they recorded and posted his telephone conversation with Taylor Swift about his song “Famous.” Only “confidential” conversations fall under California’s wiretapping law and since Kanye had Tay Tay on speaker and other people were in the room, it’s apparently not considered “confidential.” But that piece of information hasn’t stopped Taylor from putting together a mock trial, starring her cats and Furby collection, to practice for the day when she sees those whores in court!