If any living, breathing human, married or whatever, came up to me and said that slather lube on my picture and hump it hard without caring about getting paper cuts on their genitals, I’d take is the greatest compliment since some stranger bitch at a Jack in the Box in Palmdale, CA loudly said, “That’s a lot of gay!” after I walked in. But Kate Upton says that after the 2012 Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition cover that turned her into a STAAAAHHH!!! came out and married dudes started hitting on her, she felt the same way one feels when the coke high wears off after boning Charlie Sheen. She felt like she wanted to cry under a shower of hot bleach. Kate tells Elle says that after her SI cover came out, a lot of dudes skipped over the line and treated her like a blow-up doll:
“After my first Sports Illustrated cover, I felt terrible about myself for a solid month. Every single guy I met was either married or about to be married, and I felt like I was their bachelor present or something. I’m not a toy, I’m a human. I’m not here to be used. I am a grown woman, and you need to figure your shit out.”
Kate has a point and is right. Nobody likes to be objectified (except for me, OBJECTIFY ME! OBJECTIFY ME, PLEASE!), but when you’re shaking your chichis in a video shot by Terry Richardson, posing in a silly string bikini top and taking a picture with your titties holding a Las Vegas glass, most hos aren’t going to look at that and say, “What an attractive glass. At which souvenir shop in Las Vegas can I buy that?” But I guess Kate Upton quickly got over feeling like crap for a month, because she did the cover again the next year.
Kate Upton also said this stuff to Elle:
On how people think she’s a dumb model, but she’s really a blond genius who is plotting to pull one over on them: “People deal with models like they are children. They think they can pull one over on you. It’s actually funny. I’m always like, I’m about to pull something on you, and you’re so focused on thinking I’m dumb you’re not even going to know.”
On why she got a cross tattoo: “I was at a photo shoot and I was wearing a cross necklace that my mom bought me, and somebody made a joke like, ‘Why are you wearing a cross? Like you would be religious.’ And then they took [my necklace] away. I was really affected by that. The whole thing made me realize that I do want [a cross] with me, at all times.”
On if she’s dating Maks from Dancing with the Has-Beens: “I really have never had a serious relationship in the industry. I’m just having fun. Obviously I have a very busy schedule at this time in my life, and I don’t put relationships as a priority.”
I don’t think they’re focused on thinking Kate’s dumb, I think they’re focused on her chichiiiiiiiiiiiiiis or her A- eyebrow situation (it need more villainess arch to get an A+).
Nigella Lawson’s Husband Announces That He’s Divorcing Her, Remains An Utter Piece Of Trash While Doing So
Last month, Nigella Lawson’s advertising mogul husband Charles Saatchi was photographed choking her out during an argument at a restaurant in London. Choke You Out Charlie said at the time that they were just playing Chris Brown’s favorite game and he was barely grasping at her neck. The police gave Charlie a slap on the wrist and let him waltz away. During all of this, Nigella kept her lips shut and didn’t say anything. Nigella not saying anything said everything. She and her two kids from a previous marriage moved out of the house when the pictures came out. And now Nigella and Charles’ marriage is dead.
Charles said in a statement to The Daily Mail that he’s divorcing Nigella after 10 years of marriage, because she didn’t defend him at all to the media. Charles didn’t even call or tell Nigella to her face that he’s divorcing her, so she’s probably finding out by reading it in The Daily Mail. THAT BITCH Charles has zero shame. Charles wouldn’t know shame if it wrapped its fingers around his neck and choked him out. Charles went on to say that he’s not a lady beater and that Nigella has held his neck during fights too. Here’s Charles’ full statement, but if you don’t feel like reading it, just fart into your hand and smell it. Both will leave the scent of shit in your nostrils, but smelling your own fart is less painful and probably a better use of your time.
Charles also tells The Daily Mail that on the day the pictures came out, Nigella’s publicist told him to publicly apologize and say that he was ashamed that he went after his wife like that. Charles refused to and after Nigella told him that he should listen to her publicist, they had another fight and he kicked her out of the house. Charles feels like Nigella chose her publicist over him and he’s mad at her for not telling the press that he never hit her.
A friend of Nigella’s tells The Daily Mail that she didn’t like that Charles called it a “playful tiff” and she didn’t want to spit out any words of support for him, because it would look like she was covering up for his ass. Nigella’s “friend” went on to say:
“Nigella has given a statement to the police that Charles has never hit her and she hoped it would be widely reported but it wasn’t. She is deeply private and doesn’t want to make any statement herself or have people pick over her marriage. She thinks the pictures are very humiliating. She’s embarrassed and ashamed that she is being portrayed as a victim of domestic violence and her husband as a wife beater. If only he’d said in the first place that the pictures were horrific and he was very ashamed, she says she could have pointed out that he’d never hurt her.”
Charles is the pus oozing out of an anal wart (no offense to the pus oozing out of an anal wart). What a shit-covered asshole he is. Using The Daily Mail to tell Nigella that he’s divorcing her and then blaming the divorce on her is just some evil shit and Mel Gibson wishes he would’ve came up with that when he broke up with that Russian pianist.
And of course everyone should feel sorry for Charles. Charles is the real victim here and we should start a Kickstarter to buy a thousand Band-Aids to put on his bruised ass ego. Why won’t anybody think of Charles Saatchi?!
Poor, poor Alec Baldwin. Everybody is out to get him and as driven him away from Twitter and is driving his ass away from acting. Alec buried his Twitter account for good last week after a “toxic little queen” from The Daily Mail falsely claimed that his wife Hilaria Baldwin was tweeting about dumb shit during James Gandolfini’s funeral. Alec also quit Twitter because it’s kind of hard to to tweet when both of your hands are nailed to the cross. Even @itsjesusbitch couldn’t’ do it.
At the opening of the Rock Paper Photo collection, which Alec “curated,” in NYC last night, Vanity Fair asked him if he’s ever going to make a grand return to Twatter and he said that he had a Twitter revelation while at James Gandolfini’s funeral.
Never. No. I went to Jimmy Gandolfini’s funeral, and when I was there I realized Jimmy Gandolfini didn’t have Twitter. Jimmy Gandolfini was so beloved as a person, and he was so admired as an actor, and he didn’t give a fuck about social media.
I really learned a lesson at the funeral. I said to myself, This is all a waste of time. Meaning it’s fun sometimes, but less and less, and less. It’s just another chink (Ed. note: RACIST!) in your armor for people to come and kill you. I stopped and said to myself, I’m going to try where I just don’t do this anymore.
If Twitter is on your brain while you’re at your friend’s funeral, you’re doing memorializing wrong. THIS BITCH’s finger is probably hovering over the reactivate button right now. Twitter’s least favorite cranky bitch old uncle will be back.
Alec went on to say that he’d really love to take his final bow and quit the acting game forever:
I’m having a baby. And everyone has seen how certain things have played out with my daughter, which as been very painful—it’s been really unpleasant. That has consequences, and I do not want that to happen with my next child. I have one dream in my life and that is that this daughter I’m having—she comes to me about seven or eight years from now, she has a friend, and she’s at her house and she says, “Daddy, Susie’s mom says you used to be on TV. Daddy, is that true?” She has no knowledge of me as a public person. That would be heaven for me.
So is he really quitting acting?
I’d love to if I could, yeah. That would be the greatest thing in the world.
I see what Alec is doing here. He’s doing what I do when a boyfriend dumps my ass and kicks me out when I don’t want to be dumped or kicked out. You know, I scream about how I’m so happy he finally freed me from his dumb ass and then I slowly (really slowly) pack my stuff while telling him that he better not try to stop me and I’m totally leaving forever and I’m changing my number but I’m changing it tomorrow so if he wants to call me he better call tonight but I probably won’t answer the phone and I’m really leaving this time but I have to take a shower for the road first and I’m going to leave the bathroom door unlocked in case he wants to come in and apologize to me and I’m really leaving after that. Meanwhile, he’s just standing there holding the front door for me.
Alec is not done with Twitter and he’s not done with acting. If he quit acting and moved to the middle of nowhere, he wouldn’t have any paps to scream at and he wouldn’t be able to call Daily Mail writers “toxic little queens” on Twitter when they write some fake story about his trophy wife. Screaming at bitches is Alec’s oxygen.
I think that screen shot totally confirms that Maryann the Maenad is controlling Paula. I knew it!
Some of you may have already made a mental note to go to Home Deport after work to pick up a box of Paula Deen’s bacon-flavored screws (since they’ll be out of stock soon) and now you should make a mental note to also go to Target to pick up a package of Paula Deen’s butter enemas. Because Target has joined the long list of hos who don’t want to be seen with Paula Deen. “I is what I is and I is unemployed as fuck” – Paula Deen
Yesterday, ‘Murica’s kingdom of rollback prices and holiness, Walmart, publicly broke up with Paula Deen and today Target announced that they’re doing the same thing. Target told TMZ that they aren’t ordering anymore of Paula’s products:.
“We have made a decision to phase out the Paula Deen merchandise in our stores as well as on Target.com. Once the merchandise is sold out, we will not be replenishing inventory.”
Novo Nordisk (no, that isn’t the name of a Hunger Games character), the company that makes the diabetes medication that Paula Deen started hawking as soon she realized that she could make money from having diabetes, said yesterday that they have pressed the pause button on their relationship with her. Novo Nordisk hasn’t dumped Paula, but they’re on a break and every now and again they might have regretful, awkward sex with her when no one’s looking.
Novo Nordisk and Paula Deen have mutually agreed to suspend our patient education activities for now, while she takes time to focus her attention where it is needed.
Novo Nordisk would like to acknowledge Paula’s involvement in our Diabetes in a New Light™ campaign, where she has helped make many people aware of type 2 diabetes and the lifestyle changes needed to control this serious disease.
So Target, Walmart, Home Depot, The Food Network, Smithfield Foods and Caesars have all dropped Paula and the diabetes drug company is taking a break from her. Whatever, Paula doesn’t need them! She still has her contract with Klandike Bars and White Power Shortening. AND Royal Caribbean said that the annual Paul Deen Cruise is selling so well that they’re adding another one. The rep said that spaces are limited, although there’s still plenty of cots available in the blacks only lower deck.
And AND Paula’s latest book “Paula Deen’s New Testament: 250 Favorite Recipes, All Lightened Up” has jumped up Amazon’s bestsellers list. Yes, her book is really called that. ALL LIGHTENED UP. Ha. I see what you did there, Paula. Keep fucking that buttermilk fried chicken.
Somewhere in between tweeting every damn detail of her life and having a clavicle bone fight with Brandi Glanville, LeAnn Rimes found time to make an album called Spitfire. That’s a funny title, because Brandi Glanville claims that most coochies spit fire after getting on Eddie Cibrian’s supposedly diseased peen. Maybe that title was an homage to Eddie’s dick. That was sweet of Falkor.
LeAnn says that Spitfire is her most personal album ever, because she yodels about breaking her marriage vows on Eddie Cibrian’s hard peen and blah blah blah blah blah. It’s basically LeAnn’s Twitter page with a country twang. LeAnn probably thought that singing about the scandals in her life worked for Taylor Swift so it should work for her ass too. It didn’t. The NYDN says that even though it got mostly good reviews, Spitfire only sold 10,798 copies and only made it to #36 on the Billboard 200. It didn’t even go Double Saran Wrap.
10,798 copies…. Hmmmm…. 10,798 is exactly how many personalities LeAnn has. Bitch bought a copy for every one of her personalities! So in LeAnn’s living room are towers and towers and towers of her own CDs. Eddie doesn’t mind, because it gives him plenty of places to screw his side piece of the moment behind. And 10,798 is also the number of minutes Brandi Glanville’s going to spend cackling after learning about this shit.
Most performers get handed flowers, bras, panties and dildos while performing onstage, but poor Ciara got served with lawsuit documents while performing at L.A. Pride on Saturday night. Oh, C-Error finally gets on a stage and this is what happens.
TMZ says that Ciara was supposed to perform at The Factory in West Hollywood on Friday night, but she didn’t show up. Ciara’s people (yes, she has those) swear they canceled the gig a long time ago, because she had already promised to perform at L.A. Pride instead. The Factory kept promoting Ciara anyway and when she failed to appear at the club on Friday night, they filed a lawsuit against her ass. They knew where she was going to be on Saturday night and sent a process server to serve her while she was on stage. This is just two beautiful for words.
You have to give it to Ciara, because she grabbed the papers, skimmed through them, realized she was getting sued, threw the papers back and kept on performing. And judging by those stomach patting moves she was doing right before she was served, she was suffering from a severe case of gas. So she got served and kept performing while trying to hold in a fart. She is a true professional.
And can all celebrities get served this way from now on?
Oh, irony, you really know how to make me happy.
The douche with the most punchable face in America recently said in a douchetastic interview with The Hollywood Reporter that it’s been reported that his dick is as thick as his head and as inflated as his ego and we might find out if it’s true (it isn’t) or not (it is not). TMZ says that Joe Francis is getting a very special going-away-to-prison gift. A sex tape starring the former head pimp of Girls Gone Wild and his girlfriend Abbey Wilson is up for sale and he’s trying really hard to keep it from touching your eyeballs.
Abbey, being the brilliant mind that she is, kept a copy of her fuck footage with Joe on her iPad and her iPad was “stolen” from her bag at LAX. The footage has several scenes of Joe and Abbey doing it. Joe’s attorney is disgusted by this, because Joe is the only one who’s allowed to make money off of the flashing of other people’s private parts. Joe’s attorney also said this:
“It is not only unfortunate, but it is a crime. As such, this office will take all necessary steps to determine who in fact has done this and who is attempting to distribute the video. When we catch you, we will see that you are prosecuted to the fullest extent of both the criminal and civil laws.”
Maybe who ever’s trying to sell the tape can sell a prison cell with Joe! That won’t be awkward at all.
Assuming that Joe’s not the one leaking his own tape, my throat filled with laughs just thinking of him freak out about everyone seeing his shaved crotch. (You know he shaves his pubes to make his peen look bigger.) But then I stopped laughing and started heaving, because I’m disgusted with myself for actually wanting to see a Joe Francis sex tape. I can’t help it, but for some strange reason I really want to see Abbey Wilson chin-fuck Joe right in the butt. My brain is a dumpster.
Here’s Joe and Abbey at Scott Isadick’s 30th birthday in Las Vegas on May 26th.
Yesterday, Zi Lin from Oxygen’s The Face and Naomi Campbell’s ex-piece Vladimir Doronin were added to everybody’s celebrity death pool when pictures of them humping and kissing each other in Ibiza came out. Surprisingly, Zi Lin who was mentored by Naomi on The Face, survived the night, but she’s already finding out what happens when you screw with Naomi the Terrible. The Daily Mail says that Zi Lin’s managers tore up her contract and dumped her ass last week. Neal Hamil, the President of MIX Model Management NYC, said in a statement that Zi Lin was thrown out the exit door, because she wrapped her skank twat around Naomi’s (ex) man and Naomi threatened to tear all their throats out with her teeth if they didn’t fire that conniving, manipulating Chinese Eve Whorrington. But Neal said it in a more professional way:
“Zi Lin’s contract with MIX Model Management NYC was terminated last week due to ongoing unprofessional conduct and unacceptable work ethic.”
Neal went on to say, “We also let Zi Lin go, because it will be extremely difficult and next to impossible to represent a model who has two hairs on her head, two broken knees, a missing eyeball, bite marks on her earlobes and the BlackBerry logo permanently embedded into her cheek. We have referred Zi Lin to an agency in Los Angeles, because once Naomi gets done with her, she might be able to get work as an extra on Hannibal.”
I do love a conniving, shameless hussy, but the thing is, Vladimir Doronin (who is also a shameless hussy) is still married and there’s no way he’s going to get a divorce. So what is Zi Lin risking her life and modeling career for? Some hot Russian dick? Zi Lin’s vagine better swallow that sperm like John Travolta at a bathhouse orgy, because if she gets pregnant she’ll: a) get a child support check every month and; b) have an adorable human shield to protect her when Naomi comes at her. I mean, Naomi would never attack an adorable, newborn baby. I know, I can’t believe I typed that last line with straight fingers.
And here’s those hussies in Ibiza, laughing like their lives are not in danger.
Taylor Swift is supposedly spending the summer at the $17 million Rhode Island mansion that dozens of break-up songs bought and it looks like it’s going to be a long ass annoying summer for her neighbors. Radar says that Taylor’s oceanfront mansion in Watch Hill, RI is right next to the path that leads down to the public beach and her security guards have been stopping people from hanging out around there. Taylor’s neighbors now join John Mayer, Kanye, Harry Styles and millions of other hos who can’t stand her ass.
One of Taylor Swift’s crazy stalkers recently got caught trying to swim up to her mansion one night and ever since then she’s stepped up her security. Taylor’s security guards constantly patrol the border of her property and constantly shoo bitches away. One neighbor said, “Her property line is at the path to the public beach and she always has guards patrolling the area. It’s making it such a hassle. If she wanted privacy, she shouldn’t have bought a house overlooking a public beach!”
Taylor’s property is right next to a beach wall where local teenagers have been hanging out since the beginning of time, but hanging out at the beach wall is a thing of the past, because her bodyguards tell the kids that if they don’t go on their merry fucking way they’re going to blast her songs into their ears.
Some of the people of Watch Hill have been complaining on Twitter about how Taylor Swift is totally ruining summer.
Something in the milk ain’t clean about this. I’m assuming that some of the local teens who hang out at that beach wall are white boys. The Taylor Swift we know would never scare away teenage white boys. I’m sure the truth is that the security guards tell the girls to get the hell out of there and as the girls walk away, a pair of bony white claws pulls the white boys over the wall. Takashi Shimizu has totally found the plot for his next movie.
Kim Kartrashian just keeps dragging her 7-month-old Kimye fetus all around the world to spend some time with Kanye West and he keeps running away from her like he’s Carmen Sandiego and she’s a damn ACME agent.
Kim and Pimp Mama Kris flew to NYC last week and the day after they got there, Kanye West took his ass to Paris. Then when Kim and Pimp Mama Kris flew to Paris for a photo shoot with Kunty Karl (pleasedontletitbeanakedshoot… pleasedontletitbeanakedshoot….), Kanye took his ass to Milan. The Daily Mail says that Kim and Kanye were in Paris at the same time for a few hours, but they didn’t get one second together, because she was busy posing for Kunty Karl and he was too busy not giving one fuck about seeing her. The next stop on Kanye’s tour is Milan, so he went on to Italy without her.
I would feel sorry for Kim and I try (no, I don’t) and I try (no, I don’t) and I try (no, I don’t) to, but I just can’t. Kim knows that Kanye is a gold-encrusted douche who only cares about Kanye (and leather kilts) and Kanye knows that Kim is a wax-covered fame whore who only cares about Kim. Even though they hate each other, they kind of belong together. And it’s probably not hard to avoid Kim. All Kanye has to do is go somewhere she’ll never go like any place where there’s not a camera around.
If Kim really wants to see Kanye, she should just hang out in front of Riccardo Tisci’s butthole. Kanye will show up eventually.