The Trailer For Wes Anderson’s “The French Dispatch” Is Here

Wes Anderson is back with another cinematic masterpiece that will make your eyes go “Ooh!” and your brain go “Huh?”. After watching the trailer for The French Dispatch I have no idea what the plot is other than it involves some sort of publication I’m assuming is called The French Dispatch. But it sure looks nice!  Continue reading

A Bunch Of Non-Oscar Nominated Movies Won Big At The Independent Spirit Awards

Despite not being nominated for anything at the Oscars, The Farewell took home Best Picture at last night’s Film Independent Spirit Awards, a ceremony held in Santa Monica, CA and is known for giving few fucks when it comes to the speeches, the red carpet, the outfits and…the Oscars. If award shows were a family getting together at Thanksgiving, the Spirit Awards would be the cool, arty cousin who smokes unfiltered Parliaments in the driveway while everybody else is inside drinking champagne and talking about Steven Spielberg.

At the very least, it was nice to sit through a televised evening of self-congratulation without having to see Brad Pitt’s shiny forehead or Quentin Tarantino being…Quentin Tarantino.

Continue reading

Here’s Willem Dafoe As Vincent Van Gogh in “At Eternity’s Gate”

There’s a trailer out for the Julian Schnabel directed Vincent van Gogh biopic called At Eternity’s Gate starring Willem Dafoe. Finally, Americans will have an answer to the age old question: is it pronounced van Go or van Goff? Have you been walking around saying “Van Go” like an unsophisticated colonial rube your whole life, or have you been putting a little English on it and pronouncing it “Van Goff”  like a continental rube your whole life? Here’s the trailer which also stars Danish snack Mads Mikkelsen as a priest (yes, Father I have sinned. I’m sinning myself as we speak), and American snack Oscar Isaac as Polynesian titty aficionado Paul Gauguin.

Continue reading

The Real Star Of The Trailer For “Murder On The Orient Express” Is Kenneth Branagh’s Magnificent Silver Stache And Pussy Patch 

Poirot purists (Poirists?) are screaming blasphemy today, because the trailer for the new Murder on the Orient Express movie is out and Kenneth Branagh’s ridiculous Poirot look is all wrong. While I love Kenneth Branagh’s grey Wilford Brimley-on-roids mustache and the porn star grandma’s crotch patch on his chin, many don’t. Some Agatha Christie fans don’t want a Poirot not named David Suchet, let alone a Poirot who looks like a shapeshifting human who is about 5% into shapeshifting into a fluffy grey cat. I guess some can’t appreciate a stache that looks like two streams of hairy snot coming out of a nose.

Continue reading

Open Post: Hosted By Willem Dafoe As Marilyn Monroe

Just when we’re beginning to think that everyone is going to leave Marilyn Monroe alone and let her finally rest, they pull out her image again and use it for all sorts of things including peddling Snickers. We all know that Marilyn would never hawk some crap like Snickers. She’d only be the face of refined chocolate brands like Symphony and Russell Stover. But well, someone leased out her face to Snickers for their “You’re Not You When You’re Hungry” campaign. I’m not mad because it got Willem Dafoe in that Seven Year Itch dress and white panties.

Here’s Snickers’ Super Bowl commercial starring Willem Dafoe as a grouchy Marilyn Monroe. Don’t you even say that Willem needs to better his tuck game. No, he doesn’t. Willem’s tuck game gets an F and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

And yes, yes, I’d hit it. Pull those panties to the side, Miss Willem Monroe!

Open Post: Hosted By Adrien Brody And The Dudes Of The Grand Budapest Hotel Premiere

Doesn’t that picture make you want to drop your chonies, bend over the hood of a gold Cutlass Supreme and take long drags from a cherry-flavored cigarillo while Midnight Star’s “Curious” plays on the radio?

The always fashionably-challenged afghan hound Adrien Brody dropped several dozen drops of his signature “sleazy lothario” swag at the premiere of The Grand Budapest Hotel at Lincoln Center in NYC last night. That lazily applied powder. That pucker. That $2 red shiny suit that’s begging for a sex stain. Now I know what that crazy, desperate slag Kaley Cuoco was going on about. Because that right there is the kind of man you’d move into your apartment the day after your first blind date. Then the day after that, he’d break up with you and as he was walking out the door for the final time, he’d throw you a farewell wink that’ll make your genitals drop and you wouldn’t even care that he had your TV in his arms and the money you kept in the freezer in his back pocket. Take my money and break my heart.

Here’s more of Adrien Brody looking like an extra from Casino last night and I also threw in pictures of Bill Murray, Willem Dafoe, Jeff Goldblum and others. May the panty creaming begin!