Megan Fox Is Knocked Up Again, But Who Is The Daddy???!!!?

When Megan Fox strutted out onto the stage at CinemaCon in Las Vegas last night to promote that dried-up piece of reptile shit Teenage Mutant Ninja Turds #2: Ruining Your Childhood Yet Again, many people’s brains spit up a “HUH?” No, they weren’t huh-ing over her face looking more and more like a rubber Michael Jackson mask that was accidentally thrown into the dryer. They were huh-ing over her baby growing area looking like a baby is growing in there. Now, whenever I go to Las Vegas, I end up with a Megan Fox bump after using my day pass at the Luxor buffet for the 4th time. But Megan is definitely growing another Fox baby in there.

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Well, At Least Someone Came To Play

As I said earlier, the Oscars were a boring dress parade and I’ve seen more exciting dresses at my mom’s office holiday party. Well, it looks like all the real glamour and demure sophistication was the Vanity Fair viewing and after-party. Not only was Joan Collins there with a wig hovering above her head like a glorious halo, but Crispo Ronaldo’s ex-piece Irina Shayk and the walking community theater production of RiRi’s life titled Rita Ora all wore hot outfits that let everyone know that they traded in their panties for a stick-on pussy patch.

Irina Shayk’s pantyhose dress thing is like the more modest and athletic cousin of that exquisitely classic, coochie-flashing gown that Jaimie Alexander wore in 2013. My only question besides “How many people were treated for elegance inhalation from being exposed to Irina?” is, “How did she piss?” Was there a discreet zipper involved? A snap-off thing? Or did the crotch area have a small hole where she could just stick in a Go Girl and handle it? Even if she couldn’t piss in that bodysuit gown thing and had to hold it all night, it’s worth it. Getting a bladder infection is worth bringing loads of ravishing glamour to the masses.

I bet across town at Denny’s Oscar viewing party, style icon Edy Williams raised a mug full of pink wine and soda water in the air and toasted to Irina Shayk and Rita Whora. Irina just needed more exposed nipple and a random dog, and her Edy Williams tribute would’ve been perfect.

And here’s at least 10 billion pictures from Vanity Fair’s party including pictures of Joan Collins and Monica Lewinsky (????).

Pics: Wenn.com

Megan Fox Tells The TMNT Haters To Eff Off

When it was announced that Michael Bay was producing a reboot of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, most of us who grew up with it in the 80s and 90s knew it was going to be an exploding turd, because a) Michael Bay and; b) Vanilla Ice was not involved! It really became clear that the TMNT reboot was going to be another CGI’d poop bubble out of Michael Bay’s ass when the trailer came out and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles looked more like the Geriatric Mutant Ninja Boogers. The Internet hated it from the beginning and during a press conference in L.A. last week, Megan Fox, Will Arnett and the director Jonathan Liebesman were asked about the backlash. Since Megan Fox has gone from calling Michael Bay “Hitler” to sucking on his taint, she was the first one to pipe in and defend the movie and Michael Bay. Megan Fox said that the haters will stay pay to see it and if they don’t like it, they can eat a fuck. via CinemaBlend.

“Let me tell you something about those people. How much money did Transformers 4 make? Exactly. Those people can complain – they all go to the theater. They’re gonna love it – and if they don’t love it, they can fuck off, and that’s the end of that.”

I know Megan Fox is the philosopher of our time and I should never question her, but what is she getting at?

Transformers 4 made $1.1 billion worldwide. Transformers 3 made $1 billion worldwide. Transformers 2 made $836 million worldwide and the first Transformers shit show made $709 million worldwide. Megan Fox was only in the first 2 Transformers movies. So is she trying to say that CGI explosion fests will make zillions of dollars no matter what or is she saying that movies make more money when she’s not in them? Is she trying to tell Michael Bay that if he wants TMNT 2 to make a shit load more money than the first one he should replace her? Brian Austin Green just handed Megan Fox a gigantic syringe full of fillers hoping that she’ll keep injecting her lips until they’re too fat to lift and she can’t talk. Because if she keeps saying shit like that, she’ll screw herself out of the  TMNT sequel and then BAG will have to get a job!

Here’s the feline Real Doll and the smirking human Chick-O-Stick Will Arnett at yesterday’s L.A. premiere of TMNT.

Pics: Wenn.com 

Will Arnett Has Filed For Divorce From Amy Poehler

You can stop running around grabbing people by the shoulders and screaming “WHAT YEAR IS IT??” into their faces, because no, you didn’t wake up in some kind of weird Groundhog Day time-suck and, yes, it’s still 2014. Don’t worry, I had the same reaction when I read that notable self-tanner enthusiast Will Arnett has filed for divorce from his wife, Parks and Recreation/SNL/everything you love star Amy Poehler, because it feels like that already happened, way way back in 2012.

And I’m sort-of right. Amy and Will crushed all our hearts in September 2012 by announcing they were ending what everyone assumed was a perfect and adorable marriage. But for some reason they waited a year and a half to file the papers, which could mean one of two things:

1. They needed some time to reflect on their decision in order to be absolutely sure they didn’t want to rub their down-lows on each other anymore

2. Someone fucked up and forgot to file them a year and a half ago

As someone who has an empty Fruity Pebbles box labled ‘TAX STUFF??’ hiding somewhere in the back of my closet, I have to go with Option 2.

But don’t cry for Amy and Will. Amy has already moved on to The League’s Nick Kroll (who kind of looks like the human version of Earl Sinclair from Dinosaurs, but he’s funny as shit, so yes, I totally would) and Will tried humping on Billy Joel’s ex Katie Lee for a while before settling on producer Erin David. However, if you still feel like crying and mourning the death of true love, do it over clips from Blades of Glory; it will make you feel a little bit better.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Trailer Needs More Explosions

And here’s a preview of what it looks like when Michael Bay simultaneously shits and jacks off on 80s childhood favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. That headline is dripping with zero sarcasm, because I really thought this trailer would be nothing but Megan Fox washing the Ninja Turtles’ shells in a bikini while shit exploded behind her over and over again. But the trailer for the Michael Bay-produced Ninja Turtles movie is maybe 10% explosions and the rest is made up of shit crashing into shit, leftover scenes from Transformers movies and the highest-paid masking doll Megan Fox trying to look shocked and surprised when she’s really giving off the emotion of a wet Rubbermaid silicone trivet. I have nothing but hate for this mess of a trailer, because Partners in Kryme is nowhere to be heard and what they did to the Ninja Turtles is the definition of NOT RIGHT.

THROW ALL THE HOLY WATER AT IT!

Megan Fox shouldn’t have just fainted. Her rubber face should’ve slid off of her skull at the sight of that mutated Shrek dingle. The only way to explain why the Ninja Turtles look like Satan’s kidney stones is to say that they were created when Lindsay Lohan sneezed out a clump of boogers onto a turtle after snorting battery acid and uranium. They look more like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turds.

And here’s the living and breathing Real Doll in L.A. with her son a few days ago.

Pics: Wenn.com

BREAKING: Two Of Brad Pitt’s Ex-Pieces Partied Together Last Night

Here’s Goopy Paltrow and Chris Martin driving into Jennifer Aniston’s ridiculous ass Bel Air estate for a holiday party last night and in that picture it kind of looks like they’re just blindly driving along the road, which is the perfect metaphor for their lives.

So Jennifer Aniston threw a holiday party for her celebwhore friends and I’m sure it was just like your holiday party. But instead of serving food from Boston Market and Trader Joe’s frozen appetizers section on napkins, she served food made by a chef flown in on her private jet from wherever and served that food on brand new Hermes plates, which they later threw into the trash because reusing plates is gross. Instead of keeping bottles of Andre and cans of Cran-Brr-Rita chilled in a plastic trash can full of ice, she had three open bars  and a giant wine fountain full of wine from her own damn vineyard. (Side note: The tanks of all of Jen’s toilets were filled with Miraval Rose.) And instead of the party ending after someone’s auntie projectile barfed up spiked egg nog, the party ended when Goopy Paltrow took a bite of chorizo in a blanket and barfed at the mouth in Spanish about her native Spain. FYI: Every country is Goopy’s native country. She’s that international.

Both UsWeekly and The Daily Mail made a big deal about Jennifer Aniston inviting a fellow ex of Brad Pitt’s to her party. It’s not that big of a deal really. Aniston invited Goopy, because she and Chelsea Handler needed a bitch to make fun of. But I’m sure Aniston and Goopy bonded at the cheese table when they both took a bite of warm munster cheese which reminded them of going down on Brad Pitt.

And here’s a few riveting pictures of famous hos like Courteney Cox (with a hot piece) and Will Arnett driving themselves to Aniston’s party. Why oh why didn’t the LAPD give us a beautiful Christmas gift by setting up a DUI checkpoint in front of Aniston’s gates?

Pics: FameFlynet