Since Jennifer Aniston’s fiancé is a Ducati-riding badass bitch who uses motorcycle grease to slide his legs into a pair of XS wax-coated black jeggings and makes his manicurist put authentic dirt under his fingernails so he looks extra hard, she has to keep up with his butter knife edginess. And she is!
Jennifer’s makeup artist friend Gucci Westman (that sounds like the name of a shelved character from Beverly Hills Teens, or like the name of a white Pomeranian) Instagrammed a picture of their matching cartilage studs yesterday. Jennifer got a 1990s mall piercing after she took a machete to her hair because Keratin ate the life out of her locks. (A cold shiver of fear just crawled up the spine of the reigning Keratin Kween Justin Timberlake. JT should really cover Billy Ocean’s “Caribbean Queen” and change the lyrics to “Keratin Kween.”)
After Jen and Gucci used forged letters from their parents to get their ears pierced, they listened to the Soul Asylum album at a listening station at Tower, tried to get free samples from the Clinique counter, stole a midriff turtleneck top from Contempo Casuals and while they were waiting for their moms to pick them up in the front of the mall, they did each other nails with Street Wear nail polish. But Jennifer’s boyfriend Justin Theroux showed up on his bike before her mom did and he gave her a ride home. Gucci was so fucking jealous.
The most shocking part is that this mess of an outfit isn’t on RiRi’s body. This is something Adina Howard would’ve worn in the 90s if she was auditioning to be a Fly Girl and Adina would’ve worn it better.
The oh-so-edgy and oh-so-urban Miley Cyrus wore the ugly bastard child of sweats and jeans to the MySpace relaunch party in Hollywood last night. You know, I’m all for interpants fucking, but the only reason for those ugly ass pants to exist is to show you that it’s possible to barf chunks out through your eye holes. Those pants don’t even make sense and bitch is totally disrespecting her legs. The right leg wants to lounge on a futon while Hot Fries crumbs fall on it during a Say Yes to the Dress marathon. The left leg wants to shake it to a Color Me Badd song at a junior high school dance in 1992. The right leg wants to do something totally different from the left leg. Bitch is confusing her legs and tearing them apart!
It’s like the left leg is possessed by the spirit of Katie Holmes circa 2008 and the right leg is possessed by the spirit of KFed circa now. That mess is not the look and even Jekyll and Hyde wouldn’t wear that shit. I hope her legs hate her for this.
Kanye West once again out Kanye’d himself last night by debuting his new song “New Slaves” and visuals for his new song in sixty six spots in several cities across the world. At different times during the night, Kanye’s big ass face was projected on a building as he rapped (and sang, ugh) his new song. The video above is from the corner of N.7th and Bedford in Williamsburg, Brooklyn and his face also made appearances in Hollywood, Toronto, Sydney, London, Berlin, Miami, Chicago, Paris, San Francisco and on Kim Kardashian’s body. Kanye’s website has a map with all the places where this mess played.
I can just imagine sitting on my sofa, eating some caramel cookie ice cream and taking sips of my ghetto sangria (Two-And-Half-Buck Chuck and orange Shasta) while watching Flea Market Flip when Kanye’s face and shower singing voice starts haunting my walls. That is a real good reason to call a damn exorcist. How can a trick have a relaxing Friday night when Kanye’s singing voice is filling their apartment? When Kanye sings, he sounds like he’s getting a prostate exam from a porcupine while Pimp Mama Kris gnaws on his nuts.
On a positive note, Kanye really knows how to dramatically debut a song like a true debutante queen.
Well, at least Kim Kartrashian isn’t the only one who Kanye covers in thirty layers of fuckery. Kanye does it to himself too. During his show at Revel in Atlantic City last night, Kanye West wore two Maison Martin Margiela masks: a rhinestone one that made him look like Liberace as a dom top and a feather one that made him look like Yeti sperm. I’m guessing that Khloe Kardashian wasn’t in the audience, because if she was, she would’ve charged the stage, tackled Kanye took the ground, sunk her teeth into the back of his neck and dragged him up into her lair in the hills to mate with him while the other Yetis howled around them.
Kanye’s rhinestone mask IS the look, but that feather mask is very “owl with a mullet wearing its communion suit” or “preacher eagle.” Below is a clip from Rolling Stone of Kanye performing while looking like a bunch of doves crashed into his face (homage to Fabio?) . Why isn’t anybody in the audience throwing bird seed at Kanye’s ass?
This is what it looks like when doves cum all over Kanye’s face. But seriously, I need to stop the hate. Seeing Kanye with a face full of feathers and a face full of rhinestones is much better than seeing Kanye’s bare face. So what I’m saying is that bitch has never looked hotter.
What’s the matter, guys? You both look like you either smelled a rancid Taco Bell fart or just realized who the fuck you are married to. Yes, you could attibute those looks to some less than stellar moves they just saw on the floor at the Clippers vs. Nuggets game, but I like my version better. If I had to put up with any of that klan for two seconds (except for Khloe, I know, and I hate myself for it), I would have permanent fml bitch face too.
Bruce and Kris Jenner‘s Shrinky Dink faces and several of the Ks showed up for the game yesterday and Bruce had to give his front row seat up for Kanye West because Kim threatened to smother him with her ass if he didn’t. No, you know he gave that shit up willingly to get the hell away from Kris for a minute and I don’t blame him.
So here are some pics of them with a little joy and more side-eyeing, glaring and indifference than what we all see at our family get togethers. I wonder who the drunk one was? (Spoiler: it was Kris.)
During her show in Amsterdam last night, Lady CaCa did what the Dutch do by taking a few hits from a spliff one of the Little Monsters gave her (at the 2:00 mark). It came in a fancy package and everything. Lady CaCa said that it wasn’t enough to get her high before she threw it into the audience where I’m sure one of the crazed Little Monsters picked it up and has had it surgically implanted up into their b-hole. CaCa really should’ve smoked that whole spliff, but only because having that thing hanging out of her talk hole might’ve kept her from spitting out the worst Madge impersonation ever. It almost sounds like a Filipino grandma doing a British accent. My ears don’t know what’s happening. CaCa really is snatching everything from Madge including the bad shit.
BONUS: If you want to know what happens when you mix the weed munches and costumes that are 3 sizes too small, then go to the Daily Mail to see ten pounds of CaCa in a five pound CaCa bag. That pussy wedgie will make your coochie lips cringe. And it might take your eyes a few minutes to adjust and realize that you’re not looking at a present day Vince Neil.
The miniature Will Smith, Willow Smith, posted this picture to her Instagram (via Daily Mail) and it’s got some people siccing CPS on her full-time, Scientology-appointed babysitter or whoever the hell is raising her since it’s obviously not Jada and Will. In the state of California, kids under the age of 18 can’t get pierced without a parent’s permission, which is why most of us tried to pierce our “straight ear” (or the “other gay ear” as I call mine) using our abuelita’s sewing needle, a Ziploc bag full of ice and the determination to look like Jordan Knight. The key word being “tried,” because I couldn’t do it and quickly realized that the easiest way to achieve that look is by taping one of my mom’s earrings on my lobe. New Kids glamour without the pain.
Jada Pinkett Smith is forever trying to be “cool mom,” so I wouldn’t be surprised if she signed off on Willow stabbing her tongue for the sake of ~EDGY FASHUN~, but that looks fake to me. That stud is almost half the size of Willow’s head. If that shit is real, then I fully expect to see the Daily Mail headline “Willow Smith Rips Her Tongue Back And Forth,” because things won’t end well when you put braces and a tongue ring in the same mouth.
You know, now that I think about this shit, that piercing probably is real, but it has nothing to do with fashion. It’s just a Scientology tracking ball that doubles as a device that filters out any reasonable and honest statements before they leap off of Willow’s tongue. That’s all!
Well, there goes Kristen Stewart’s invitation to the Scat Queen Ball.
Kristen Stewart talked to Vanity Fair about her problems and it wouldn’t be a Kristen Stewart interview if a thin stream of ridiculousness didn’t fly out of her mouth at least once. Somehow the subject of Kristen sometimes looking like a window-licking spoiled toddler high on paint fumes came up. Kristen said that she’s a “weirdo” and a “creative Valley Girl who smokes pot” and if she put on a manufactured smile while posing on the red carpet, whores would call her a fake. Yeah, we’ve got a major badass right here.
“I have been criticized a lot for not looking perfect in every photograph. I get some serious shit about it. I’m not embarrassed about it. I’m proud of it. If I took perfect pictures all the time, the people standing in the room with me, or on the carpet, would think, What an actress! What a faker! That thought embarrasses me so much that I look like shit in half my photos, and I don’t give a fuck. What matters to me is that the people in the room leave and say, ‘She was cool. She had a good time. She was honest.’ I don’t care about the voracious, starving shit eaters who want to turn truth into shit. Not that you can say that in Vanity Fair!”
After seeing Twatlight, Mouth Breather White, Welcome to the Rileys and The Runaways, I can say with complete confidence that Kristen Stewart doesn’t ever have to worry about bitches accusing her of being an actress. You can smoke that worry away, KStew.
And is she really using “shit eater” as an insult when she posed with an adorable culo licker for the cover?
“What’s wrong with being a shit eater?” – that dog
What ho hasn’t drunkenly pissed in the dirt on the side of the highway as flat bed trucks go driving by and who hasn’t squatted over a bar bathroom sink when the line for the regular toilet is too long? Every ho has! But of course, Garbage Pail Skank Ke$hit thinks she’s the first trick to do it and bragged about it to her Twatter followers (via UsWeekly) by sharing this picture with them. I know, she’s SO hardcore. I’d be more surprised if Ke$ha Tweeted a picture of herself using actual unused toilet paper to wipe. Ke$ha also added this note to the picture, which confirms that when she’s not making musical herpes, she’s writing spam e-mails:
pee pee on the street. PoPo come n get me if u can find meeee. I blame traffik.
PoPo? More like the health department. Think of all dogs who now have VD warts on their noses from sniffing on Ke$ha’s piss puddle (Yes, her coochie warts are so potent they can infect airborne). No, but seriously, if Ke$ha wasn’t a dumb a$$, she wouldn’t have given this picture out for free. Kim Kardashian made millions of dollars thanks to piss and Ke$ha ain’t got shit to show for it except pee stains in her chonies. Either keep it to yourself or #getmoneybitch.
And where was the Deputy Sheriff of PAPP (Pepaws Against Public Pissing) when we needed him most?
RiRi (aka the EDGEST and HARDEST bitch in the EDGY and HARD game) posted a bunch of pictures from Coachella on her Instragram and she included this one of her dealing with a mysterious substance on her paid slut carrier’s bald head. The Mirror tried to get to the bottom of this by zooming up close to see exactly what kind of situation is happening on dude’s head. These are the possibilities:
1. Spoiled coke bought from a Lohan.
2. Hacked up curdled cum (it happens).
3. Feta cheese, because there’s always time for feta cheese.
4. Dandruff. Dude is such a man that even his dandruff is full of testosterone.
5. Weed hit by a camera flash.
RiRi is rolling a blunt, so obviously it’s weed whitewashed by the flash, but that shouldn’t be the story here. The real story is that RiRi is using the head of her bodyguard (or whoever he is) as a human coffee table. Dude already has to carry this ho around like he’s her paid human lifeguard chair and then he has to deal with her scratching his head with her plastic red roach nails while rolling a blunt? I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t even let my own abuelita roll a blunt on my head. Okay, yes I would, but only because I really believe letting your grandma roll a blunt on your head is something you should experience in life.
This dude is a majorly devoted employee. If that was me, I would’ve scooped the weed from my head and screamed “WATCH FOR FALLING HOS” before leaning back. Then I’d roll my own blunt while walking to the unemployment office.