The original Archie comics are about as edgy as a freshly ironed t-shirt tucked into a pair of pleated jeans. But The CW has to get the chirrun to watch their Archie TV show, so they took the original comic, smeared some black eyeliner on that wholesome trick, made it listen to a whole lot of Lorde songs and took it a David Lynch film festival where it snuck out halfway to smoke a blunt with the bad kids. The CW made Archie all *~edgy~* and *~dark~*.
No, she didn’t sing a duet with her daddy. I went ahead and pixelated that whole picture and not because of her plastic chichis or dinosaur dick strap-on. I pixelated it, because I wanted to protect your eyes from the sight of her exposing the top of her pantyhose. That’s definitely the most offensive and tackiest part of her ensemble.
The cracked out hillbilly chipmunk’s Dead Petz tour left a glittery butt skid mark of fuckery in Chicago last night when Miley Cyrus performed while looking like something that fell out of a Lisa Frank porn. When Miley and The Flaming Lips announced their tour, Wayne Coyne said that she wanted to do the show while everyone, even the audience, was asshole-out naked and covered in milk. Someone on that tour with at least half a working brain cell must have figured out that milk + a bunch of naked high messes = a giant cereal bowl of diseased nightmares.
So instead of doing that, Miley dick slapped us all in the face with ten loads of OHSOEDGY by doing herself up like a slutty pear-shaped baby stripper and whatever the hell she’s supposed to be in the picture above. She looks like a rejected member of Jem and the Holograms who had to pay her bills by working as a dominatrix at a sex club that caters to men who really want to be ass fucked with an alien peen strap-on. Just like that, Tom Cruise wrote the name “Miley Cyrus” next to the number one on the list of possible brides. Miley is also giving me “white acid trip 80s Tina Turner starring in a community theater production of Exit to Eden the Musical.”
This is what happens when a 90s baby really, really wishes they lived through the 80s.
And after seeing this picture of Miley as a giant stick of butter, I’m waiting for them to announce that the entire tour has been cancelled, because she has gone missing.
I’m sure footage from a surveillance camera outside of the theater will show Paula Deen wobbling out of the stage door with a pantyhose-covered foot dangling from her twat.
Candy is the magazine that graced our eyeballs with the piping hot image of Tilda Swinton looking like a flaming ginger phoenix in glamour drag and James Franco looking like a rejected Robert Palmer Girl. And now they’re giving your eyes another serving of Miley Cyrus’ nipples. I usually see my nipples every day when I hang my head down to cry in the shower and I have still seen Miley Cyrus’ tit knobs more than my own.
If you’ve been feeling way too clean today and needed a reason to scrub penicillin powder onto your eyes with a Chore Boy, just picture Terry Richardson jacking off with one hand while NSFW taking pictures of Miley Cyrus sucking off a police baton with the other. As the glory hole cum stain Uncle Terry shot away, the edgy hillbilly chipmunk served up all sorts of poses like the “tasting my pit fur” pose and the “strung out hustler looking for a john” pose and the “self-sucking strap-on” pose. I have a feeling that the strap-on picture is going to be the Cyrus family holiday card this year.
And yeah, I get it, Miley Cyrus is still letting Mickey Mouse know that she’s all grown up and is beyond edgy now and can flash her marmoset cooter anytime she wants, but why drag that poor innocent pussy into this? That cat wants nothing to do with this mess. I’m not sure if that cat’s face says, “Meow meow?” (that’s “Why me?” in catanese) or, “You fucking better not cum on me, Uncle Terry.”
We’re just a few days away from the heads of One Million Moms popping off as Miley Cyrus uses a pineapple-shaped rhinestone strap-on to butt fuck a purple power bottom unicorn on stage at the MTV VMAs. So to promote her hosting gig, Miley went on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night while looking like the LSD baby that Trash Heap from Fraggle Rock pushed out 9 months after having messy, sloppy LSD-fueled sex with a rainbow disco ball light from Spencer’s Gifts.
As soon as Miley sat down, she and Jimmy Kimmel started talking about her chipmunk chest dumplings since they’re always out. In case you didn’t already figure it out after the 1,985,986th time she put her hillbilly chichis on display in public, she’s really comfortable being topless and partly because it makes other people uncomfortable. When Miley met Paul McCartney, she was nervous about meeting him, but was comforted by him being uncomfortable with her tits being out. Sure, when Miley meets someone with her tits out, it’s considered a “cute ice breaker.” But when I meet someone with my pants off, the police are called, my name ends up on a list and I get a cleaning bill because everyone barfed on the floor.
Here’s Miley talking about the tits on her chest, the tit she calls pappy and America’s fear of the nipple:
I’m typing this from my Braille keyboard now, because when she said, “My dad would rather me not have my tits out all the time,” I side-eyed so hard that my eyeballs turned 180 degrees. Please, that gives Billy Ray Cyrus pride and if he had tits like Miley, he too would slap some pasties on ’em and jiggle ’em for Jimmy Kimmel. Why am I giving Billy Ray ideas?
Miley also did a segment where she disguised herself as an Australian reporter and asked people on the street what they think of Miley Cyrus. Click here to see it, but a warning to Australians, her accent may make your ear holes bleed Vegemite. Although, her Australian accent is still better than Quentin Tarantino’s Australian accent in Django Unchained.
And here’s Miley showing up to ABC Studios after committing a criminal act by stealing one of Soleil Moon Frye’s old Punky Brewster outfits.
Because everyone is busy screaming out a verbal rainbow of YES (although, no screams are louder than the screams of the person who started the world’s first ever gay mail-order groom agency, because their day has finally arrived), there’s not much “real news” out there, so here’s a story about how Jared Leto put the meth in method while shooting Suicide Squad.
Seen above looking like the Grim Reaper after getting a makeover at the Urban Decay counter, Jared Leto gave himself the perfect story to tell reporters while trying to campaign for his second Oscar nomination. Jared starved himself down to the weight of an Olsen’s nipple to get that OSCUH for Dallas Buyers’ Club and his Suicide Squad castmates say that he’s also going hard while playing The Joker. Jared wasn’t around during prep for Suicide Squad, so he didn’t get to “bond” with the cast. But his co-star Adam Beach, who plays Slipknot in that shit, tells E! News that Jared sent them gifts in character to show that he really shoved himself into the body of The Joker.
At last night’s Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser premiere (Yes, that is a movie that was made for real and that is an event that really happened), Adam said that the noted vegan sent Margot Robbie a live rat and sent the rest of the cast a dead hog. And PETA is going to send Jared Leto a 10,000 word open letter in 3..2..
“He sent [Margot Robbie] a nice love letter with a black box with a rat in it—a live rat. It was beautiful. Then he sent bullets to Will [Smith] with a letter. [He sent the cast a video and a] dead hog. Basically, what he said was, ‘Guys, I can’t be there but I want you to know I’m doing my work as hard as you guys.’ The video he showed is in character. It blew our minds away. Then we realized that day, this is real.”
Yeah, it’s real alright. Real fucking annoying, because they knew it was going to be a long few months dealing with Jared Leto showing them that he’s a real THESPIAN! I’d be mad if I was them. I would be pissed that Jared Leto gave me a hog and it wasn’t the obese, prostate-murdering hog in his chonies.
Daniel Day-Lewis pisses on Jared Leto’s little stunts, because that’s not method. DDL wouldn’t have the time to send anyone rats or dead hogs, because he’d be too busy repeatedly throwing himself into a giant vat of acid until his hair turned green and his skin turned white for real.
Pic: Pacific Coast News
Yesterday, Paper spit up the cover image of a sucio creature and a pig looking like something out of Charlotte’s Web: Wilbur’s Dark Years, and if you needed a hypnotist to rid your brain of that image, you better make another appointment with them. Because Paper squirted up more pictures from their Miley Cyrus cover shoot including this one of Alvin, Simon and Theodore’s backwoods third cousin looking like she’s anxiously waiting for Jabba the Hutt and his homies to finish up already. That is some serious Star Wars porn parody ART for your eyes.
Seen above fighting the urge to barf on Santa’s face and stab him with that Empire State Building statue, the Emo Betty Spaghetty doll known as Ariana Grande tells the Daily Star (via The Daily Mail) that she hates Santa Claus as much as she hates the right side of her mug. Even though the human version of an evil Yorkie puppy has a Christmas song out called “Santa Tell Me,” she says that when she thinks of Santa she feels the same thing you feel when you see her busting out her usual baby prostitute moves. She is repulsed.
“I’m repulsed by Santa. My song might sound cheerful but it’s really quite sardonic and depressing. I’m like saying, “Santa, what is your deal, bro?” I’ve had my heart broken multiple times around this time of year. I feel although it’s one of the most cheerful times of the year, I see tons of heartbreak and they make movies about it. It’s like a (Wham!) Last Christmas vibe.”
There’s always one of those “edgy” hipster toddlers on the pre-school playground who says they are so over Santa Claus.
Santa gives Ariana the voms yet she still uses his name to sell her stupid Christmas song? That shady baby bitch. But I have a feeling that something happened for Ariana to have such hate in her dark-sided heart for Santa. Either she ends up on the “asshole kids” list every year and Santa only leaves her a stocking full of shit or she not only looks like a diabolical elf, she is a diabolical elf and used to work in his workshop but was fired for being evil. I’m going with that one.
Here’s Santa’s #1 hater performing with Magica De Spell at one of those jingle balls things in Sunrise, FL on December 21st.
Yesterday, I threw up pictures of the “Viva Las Vegas Coffy” look that I thought Solange worked during her wedding to her man Alan Ferguson. But that caped jumpsuit was just one of the many white and ivory looks Basement Baby wore during her hipster Wite-Out of a wedding in New Orleans. Last night, Vogue.com posted these ridiculous ~FASHUN~ pictures taken by photographer Rog Walker of Basement Baby wearing her wedding cape dress while surrounded by her bridal court which included Janelle Monae, Beyonce and Tina Knowles serving up rich gremlin bitch glamour.
That shit looks like the most pretentious Clorox ad of all-time. They also look like the cult from The Leftovers if the cult from The Leftovers had way too much disposable income and took themselves really, really seriously. I guarantee you there’s one chick in that picture who’s like, “Aunt Flo, please don’t fuck with my fierce and come heavy today, because I don’t need to be the one with period stains in Basement Baby’s wedding photos.” But I do love that Beyonce is at basement level for once! Beyonce finally listened to us all and SAT DOWN.
One second after Vogue posted these pictures, Pimp Mama Kris tried to get more attention by Instagramming a picture of her and her dumpster sludge hos in all white outfits too. I am far from being a member of the Beyhive, but PMK comparing herself to the Knowles chicks is like comparing a piece of filet mignon to a maggot infested pile of shit droppings that a rat pooped out after nibbling on a McDonald’s hamburger patty it found lying on a puddle of dog piss in the gutter.
And Basement Baby’s wedding wardrobe budget really was bigger than the budget of her greatest work, Bring It On: All Or Nothing. Here’s a video of Basement Baby wearing another outfit while busting out a mother and son choreographed dance routine to “No Flex Zone” with her kid Julez during her reception.
The cute was zapped out of that video as soon as I found myself looking for her basement bagina to make an appearance.
E! News also has pictures of Basement Baby’s face covered in hives after the wedding reception. Jay-Z’s revenge! Basement Baby should’ve known something was up when the special present from Jay-Z started buzzing like crazy. Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, indeed.
Robert Pattinson finally unveiled what’s been lurking underneath his hat and it’s more terrifying and ridiculous than we could have ever imagined. The enchanted unicorn forest is now a symbol for a hipster nightmare.
At the Go Campaign’s 7th Annual Go Go Gala in Beverly Hills last night (Side note: “GO! GO!” is what I screamed after looking at the shit that Peaky Blinders threw up on RPattz’s head), RPattz made everyone’s brain explode with the puzzle on his head. I’m going to need Dan Brown to explain this shit to me. The front is giving me “errrr” and the back is giving me “aaaaaaaah.”
RPattz’s head is like a game of Classic Concentration. I see three things on his head: a long-haired guinea pig in a wind storm, Moe Howard and an extra chunky landing strip. Hmm… What do you get when you add those things together? Oh I know. You get this word:
I hate to sound like one of those Robsten4Eva crazies who haven’t had their meds yet, but that is all FKA Twigs on his head. Sure, RPattz could be earning extra coins by advertising Dumber and Dumber To on his head or it could be for a movie where he plays a man who was savagely attacked by a Flowbee, but I’m guessing it was FKA Twigs’ idea. One night while she was dancing naked in a cloud of incense, she looked down at the double lane landing strip on her crotch and thought to herself that it would be really hot if her man had a matching one on the back of his head. RPattz better watch it, though. Because Michelle Rodriguez and Gerard Butler are going to try to lick and bump crotches with the cooch strip on his head.
It could’ve been a work of art, though. All RPattz had to do was leave a circle patch underneath that strip and he would’ve paid tribute to one of the most iconic perfumes of the late 80s and 90s.
It would’ve made a statement without saying a word.
Pics: Getty, Splash
I’ve known that the 90s are making a comeback, but now I really know that the 90s are giving us an encore performance, because Eminem rapped out some foolery that’s got people mad. Seen above looking like a plastic Fred Astaire figure melting in the sun at the WSJ Innovator Awards last week, The Real Slim Shady’s name is smeared all over headlines today for freestyle rapping about how he wants to punch Lana Del Rey in the face twice like Ray Rice. In a freestyle video called SHADY CXVPHER, 42-year-old Eminem inducted Llama Del Taco into the Celebrities That Eminem Has Shit On In A Song Club by dribbling out this oh-so-edgy-you-need-special-gloves-to-touch-it lyric (via Billboard):
But I may fight for gay rights, especially if they dyke is more of a knockout than Janay Rice/Play nice? Bitch I’ll punch Lana Del Rey right in the face twice, like Ray Rice in broad daylight in the plain sight of the elevator surveillance/’Til her head is banging on the railing, then celebrate with the Ravens
If you need to see and hear the whole video, here it is below and it includes a bit about Mah Boo Anderson Cooper having butt sex with a tuba.
But back to LDR, some say that The Slim Shady can have a seat in the back, because he’s downplaying domestic violence. Others say that he’s really making fun of Ray Rice and it’s just a joke. And others say that since it’s a freestyle, he’s just trying to be controversial like always and threw together a bunch of words that rhyme. If Eminem really didn’t want to get that much attention and didn’t want to say that he wants to punch out Lana Del Rey, here’s some other options that rhyme with “day“:
– a big pile of hay
– a bitchy manta ray
– lemon puree
– Marv Albert’s toupee
– Michael K
Lana Del Rey hasn’t said anything about this, but two years ago she fangirl’d over Eminem during an interview and in her song Ultraviolence she sings the lyric “he hit me and it felt like a kiss,” which is the title from a Phil Spector-produced song by The Crystals. LDR probably won’t care, but if she does, then at least she knows that Azealia Banks will mouth punch The Real Slim Shady for her.
Thanks Azealia. Thanks for punching me in the face with the image of Eminem slobbering out a drool stream of Hot Pockets tomato sauce on his sister’s titty.