Category: Why Are You Doing This To Us?
Justin Bieber Got Shit For Sampling Martin Luther King Jr. On His New Album, But MLK’s Family Approves
It has to be a felony to put those two names in the same sentence, so I’m a little fearful for my future right now. Justin Bieber, however, blithely goes about his day committing musical and fashion crimes of all kinds and manages to remain blissfully unfettered by concerns of consequences. Justin Bieber’s sixth studio album, Justice, was released yesterday, and in it, he uses clips of two speeches from Martin Luther King Jr. to introduce songs, including a love song. So, like Martin Luther King Jr., Biebs has a dream, and, as usual, it’s wet.
Open Post: Hosted By Justin Bieber’s Latest Evil Alliance With Crocs
Since Satan is as bored AF as we are during this pandemic and hates our guts in general, he’s been repeatedly summoning Justin Bieber. Biebs is currently at the ominous age of 27, but Satan hasn’t been summoning him for that reason.
Yesterday we learned that Biebs’ cell phone quit his whiny toddler ass, though Biebs tried to spin it as his own decision. Before that, we were forced to look at his pre-pubescent boy bits as two doomed makeup artists with therapists on speed dial sprayed over his badly tattooed ode to Jesus and Animal Planet. Today’s story involves Biebs once again working with those who are in charge of foisting Crocs on polite society. No good can come of either party individually, but this is a straight-up crime.
Open Post: Hosted By Vagina-Scented Face Masks, Just In Time For Valentine’s Day
Eat your pretentious, candle-sniffing heart out, GOOP! The latest craze in olfactory-busting grossness is to sell “slightly used” COVID-19 masks marinated in the finest of ladyparts, for the highly refined and discerning noses belonging to fetish-havers.
If you were around in eBay’s early days, you might remember stumbling across (or actively seeking out, in which case, no judgment, but I’m totally judging you) the numerous shady auctions for used underwear that had allegedly belonged to hot college students and had also allegedly been hygienically washed prior to shipping out (the washing claim was usually followed by a winking “Tee hee” on the part of the seller).
Armie Hammer’s Secret Instagram Features A Woman In Lingerie And Drug Tests
Most of us are on fuckery overload at this point, and feeling very let down by 2021 for not giving our eyes and brains anywhere safe to land. I’m pretty sure Hilaria Baldwin is contortionist-heaving a sigh of relief in well-practiced Spanish this week, as her messy Boston-Mallorca escándalo has taken a back seat to the fava-beans-and-nice-Chianti dumpster fire that launched Armie Hammer, his distant, dead-eyed stare, and The Abuse Allegations That Made You Want to Wrap Your Sauceless Rib Cage in Chain Mail to the front of the line.
After the alleged, twisted mentions of drinking blood, killing an animal to eat its heart and taking what appeared to be initially consensual sex acts with women he called “Kittens” to peak levels of abuse, we’re all getting caught up on way more than we’d bargained for when considering just what degree of hot mess may have contributed to his divorce in progress from his wife Elizabeth Chambers, not to mention his departure, whether voluntary or not, from Shotgun Wedding with Jennifer Lopez.
Today’s installment introduces a woman in lingerie on all fours in Armie’s Cayman Islands hotel room on his private Instagram account, interspersed with refined and classy drug-testing and drunk-driving chatter.
Open Post: Hosted By Justin Bieber Getting All His Tattoos Covered
Because 2021 doesn’t occur in a vacuum and still bears the stigma of riding on 2020’s raggedy coattails, we are faced with PTSD-inducing visuals like the one you see above. Justin Bieber has singlehandedly decided to destroy whatever hope we’d all had for a new beginning and remind us that all the things we wished we could have left behind in The Year From Hell, are still quietly crushing our souls whether we pay attention to them or not. And attention, as usual, is the order of the day. Not only are we cursed with the blinding image of Biebs in his Calvins, but he is going to torture our delicate ear mechanisms with a fresh round of hateful caterwauling in the form of his new song, Anyone. By the time he’s done with us, we won’t have any senses left!
The House Of Dior Wants Us All To Smell Like Johnny Depp
Well, this is nothing short of an act of aggression. From an olfactory perspective, Johnny Depp conjures up the struggle-fumes of lost court cases, vintage pellets of parrot excrement and the gang bang snout assault of a billion rapidly multiplying microbes incubating in the sweat-soaked folds of his mummified scarf installation. But even though he lost his libel case against The Sun, which caused Warner Bros. to force him to drop out of the Fantastic Beasts movies, he’s still got a job with Dior.