Category: Why Are You Doing This To Us?

Torture For Your Ears And Eyes: Avril Lavigne’s Music Video For “Hello Kitty”

April 22, 2014 / Posted by:

If 2004 Gwen Stefani swallowed a neon green bucket full of Ke$hit’s juicy queefs and swallowed it down with Skrillex’s wet burps and a candy necklace that Keroppi used as anal beads, she’d get the serious heaves and then barf out this video for Avril Lavigne’s ear-killing song “Hello Kitty.”

I was going to say that Avril is pretty much 30 going on 13, but two of my cousins are 13 and they’d rather be seen at the movies with their parents on a Saturday night than be seen in a goddamn pink ruffled skirt with cupcakes on it. This Hello Kitty butt dingle of a video is such a horrific abomination that Canada needs to immediately issue an apology to Japan.

The song is the perfect thing to listen to when you want the answer to the question, “Can ears actually bleed blood?”, (SPOILER ALERT: Listening to this wreck will prove that the answer is YES) and of course Chad Kroeger is a co-writer on it. Only the 12-year-old mind of Avril Lavigne and the Monster Energy Drink-infused brain of Chad Kroeger could come up with these poignant lyrics:

Mom’s not home tonight
So we can roll around, have a pillow fight
Like a major rager OMFG

Let’s all slumber party
Like a fat kid on a pack of Smarties
Someone chuck a cupcake at me

Avril Lavigne is practically 30 and she’s spitting out lyrics that a 12-year-old one consider too immature. Chad Kroeger is married to her. Chris Hansen needs to ask both of them to have a seat.

And here’s 2 things I would rather do than listen to that song again:

1. Listen to a Nickelback song (it’s that serious).

2. Shove a lighter wand in my ear and pull the trigger.

Fabulous Jon Hamm Gets Fabulously Turned Down On A Fabulous Dating Show From The Fabulous 90s

April 4, 2014 / Posted by:

Long before The Hammaconda was making v-holes and b-holes howl during pap walks, it accompanied its owner Jon Hamm on a 90s dating show The Big Date which was hosted by Mark “Not The Funky Bunch One” Walberg who now hosts Antiques Roadshow. This clip made me cry out tears of liquefied mood lipstick, because it is so damn 90s. As soon as I hit play, I looked down and I was wearing overalls, a long-sleeved BOSS t-shirt and Docs.

While giving you the 90s part and bangs that look like puppy ears, Jon Hamm tells the lip liner beauty he’s trying to woo that if they went out on a date together, they’d start off with some fabulous food, a little fabulous conversation and they’d end it with a fabulous foot massage for an evening of total fabulosity. 90s Jon Hamm is testing you! He’s testing you. I feel like I need to get a hypnotist to get into my brain and erase the memory of a dorky Jon Hamm casually saying Kimora Lee Simmons’ catch phrase as though it’s a part of his every day vocabulary. I bet he screams “fabulosity” when he cums. I don’t want to know that. But you know, I still would.

At the 3:16 mark is Jon Hamm looking like an assistant manager at Oak Tree while telling Mary what a fabulous night of fabulosity they would have if she picked him. Fabulous!

Mary obviously didn’t want to fill herself up with all the fabulosity that Jon Hamm has to offer, because she turned his ass down. Yes, Mary may have exquisite taste in lip liner colors, but her choice in hot pieces sucks. As Vivian Ward would say:


And yes, Vivian Ward is showing Mary just how big The Hammaconda is….while flaccid….and after an ice bath.

Say Goodbye To Your Eyeballs: Pimp Mama Kris Might Do Playboy

March 27, 2014 / Posted by:

The good news is this rumor is coming from the UK tabloid Heat (via the Mirror) which means it’s most likely as fake and fraudulent as everything the Kardashians do and it was also probably leaked (sorry for that word mixed with that picture) by Pimp Mama Kris herself to build up her ~kool mom~ kred. The bad news is that the life-killing image of Pimp Mama Kris’ naked and Photoshopped body sprawled onto the pages of Playboy has already been burned into the deepest part of your brain and side effects of that include stopping fuck times with your piece halfway through to go into the shower and cry while rubbing Irish Spring onto your eyeballs.

Some source (read: either PMK herself or the makers of Dramamine who want to boost sales by giving the public non-stop nausea) said that PMK feels like her body is Playboy-ready and now is the time to spread her KKK maker in Playboy. The source farted this nugget out:

“Kris has been talking about posing for Playboy magazine for a while now. She’s in the best shape of her life and is keen to show it off. The bikini shot she posted on Instagram recently was well received that she’s said, ‘Why not?’”

PMK led Kim Kartrashian down the fame whore path to becoming the fame whore of all fame whores and now she’s following in her prized ho’s fame whore steps. First comes the sex tape, second comes the Playboy spread. Actually, first comes the sex tape, second comes the death of civilization, because I don’t think humanity can survive after a PMK sex tape. But I refuse to believe that Hugh Hefner would let this happen. ANYBODY but PMK on the cover of Playboy! If it happened, Hugh Heffa needs to officially retire from making decisions beyond choosing between tapioca or vanilla and choosing between the bleached blonde with the DDDs or the bleached blonde with the EEEs to screw.

Here’s the Kartrashians at LAX last night before getting on a flight to Korea, and sadly I don’t mean North Korea.

Pics: Splash

The Latest Pull-Ups Commercial Is Finally Here!

March 6, 2014 / Posted by:

Yes, actual visual confirmation that Justin Bieber is able to go potty all by himself. You did it, Justin! You made a pee-pee on your own and for that, you get to choose if you’d rather have chicken nuggies or hot dogtopuses for dinner.

But back to the video. I thought I’d finally have reason to bust out the Guthy-Renker Portable Eye Gouger I got in my stocking at Christmas when it was announced a potty training video of Tantrum Toddler would be released. Sadly, the unopened Eye Gouger is still in my closet next to 200 boxes of Proactive, because the video was not bad enough to make my eyes scream in horror.

If I wasn’t told me this was a video of TT giving a urine sample in jail, I might have thought it was leaked security camera footage from the washroom at a Yo Gabba Gabba concert. It could also be a live stream from the wash station at an illegal dog groomers located in some shady fucker’s basement. Basically, what I’m trying to say is it’s nothing to get your diaper in a twist over.

And slow claps to the master-level trolling by the guy who’s job it was to censor Bieber’s junk. That giant black box is the dick-hiding version of a comically-oversized foam finger. There’s no way his dick is any larger than one of his Fisher-Price Little People, so choosing a black rectangle that big made me choke on my Baileys.

(Video: TMZ)

Just What You Needed: Michelle And Jim Bob Duggar’s Tips For Keeping Your Marriage Sexy

February 13, 2014 / Posted by:

Proceed with caution, because getting the tip from Jim Bob Duggar usually leaves a ho with a pile of slobbering chirrun and a pussy that could host the next Chicago Auto Show.

In honor of the day when your piece gives you a heart teddy bear from CVS before you get in a quick fuck on the couch so you can watch House of Cards season 2, the Duggars have birthed out 7 barf-inducing tips on how to keep your marriage sexy. The only tips I want from Michelle Duggar are beauty tips on how to get your hair to look like it time traveled here from 1984, but these Christian bareback sluts are experts in fucking, so I guess they know what they’re talking about (no, they don’t). If you really want your genitals to dry up like a pile of turkey jerky as your eyeballs melt and dribble out of their sockets, then read just a few of their tips (the rest are here):

1. Always keep your coochie available to your husband. Who cares if every time he sticks it in, a baby grabs onto the tip and when he pulls out you’ve got another mouth to feed. Who cares if you don’t want to bone him, because you’ve got the tireds and every time he takes his raw peen out your uterus starts screaming for mercy. Be his on-call 24-hour baby-making fuck machine. 

Michelle says a friend gave her advice to live by before she and Jim Bob married in 1984: “She said, ‘In your marriage there will be times you’re going to be very exhausted. Your hubby comes home after a hard day’s work, you get the baby to bed, and he is going to be looking forward to that time with you.’” — she’s talking about sex, just so everyone’s clear — “‘Be available. Anyone can fix him lunch, but only one person can meet that physical need of love that he has, and you always need to be available when he calls.’”

At the time, as a young bride-to-be, Michelle says, she couldn’t imagine ever not wanting to “be available” for some quality married nookie. But with kids, she soon realized, exhaustion can easily extinguish romance. So she’s made an effort to follow her friend’s advice — and with no birth control and 19 kids, it would seem she’s succeeded. “That has been such a lifesaver for our marriage,” she tells TODAY Moms.

Seems to be working for Jim Bob, too: “We’re like a newlywed couple every day!” he enthuses.

2. But it’s okay to put a Be Back Soon sign over your twat after you’ve just had a baby (THE BIBLE SAYS) and when your period comes. Please, I bet Aunt Flow hasn’t brought her homemade berry crumble to Michelle in a loooong time since she’s always knocked up.

It’s not all sexytime at the Duggars. They abstain when Michelle has her period, and also after childbirth: 80 days before sex if it’s a girl, 40 days after a boy. (The timeline for abstinence after childbirth is loosely based on Old Testament traditions, but is more about what works for their marriage than about observing religious law, the Duggars say.) A bit of abstinence, they’ve found, does make the heart grow fonder.

“When you’ve missed it for seven days, you look forward to it even more,” Michelle says.

3. Treat your wife like a queen and that means sex her until she gives birth to a dozen handmaiden daughters who will wait on her hand and foot and raise all her ten million kids.

Lest you think Duggar romance is all about the baby-making, they note that emotional intimacy is important, too. Even in the whirlwind of raising 19 kids, they do little things like sending each other “I love you” texts, calling each other “Sweetie,” and kissing in the kitchen. Jim Bob seems to put Michelle on a pedestal; and to be fair, she does the same to him.

“That’s key in a relationship, the husband needs to cherish his wife and always treat his wife like a queen,” Jim Bob says.

Again, you can read the rest here, but I don’t know if I would go there if I were you. I read the entire thing and I think I’m permanently sterilized. Shit, that’s probably all part of Jim Bob and Michelle’s evil master plan. They know that images of them getting it in raw will make all of our baby-making parts shrivel up and shut down. That way we will all stop procreating while the Duggars keep going at it and finally take over the world and make all of us their soap-making slaves.

(Pic via TLC) (Thanks Melissa!)

Death To All Your Senses: Billy Ray Cyrus’ Hip-Hop Sequel To Achy Breaky Heart

February 11, 2014 / Posted by:

If you’re having the kind of day where you don’t really give a shit that your eye sockets will heave your eyeballs out onto the floor and your ears will close up along with your coochie and/or b-hole, then here’s the perfect thing for you.

Because Billy Ray Cyrus got sick of Miley Cyrus getting all the attention by terrorizing the retinas of the masses, he shot a shit puddle of a video for the sequel to Achy Breaky Heart with help from Dionne Warwick’s rapping son Buck 22, Larry King and a bunch of twerking Thundercat hos. Thanks to Larry King’s intro, the song and the pile of cut-off raccoon tails on Billy’s head, this video is the unsexiest thing ever.

Three questions:

1. Who, besides Billy Ray and his accountant, asked for a sequel to Achy Breaky Heart?

2. Why did Dionne Warwick let this happen?

3. How am I still typing even though all of my bodily functions have pretty much shut down and turned on me for watching all 3:33 minutes of this musical torture device?

via Gawker

Dear Andy Roddick, Please Don’t Ever Do This Again

January 29, 2014 / Posted by:

Brooklyn Decker committed an ILLEGAL act on Monday when she Instagrammed a video of her husband Andy Roddick doing an impersonation of Blue Ivy Carter’s father. While watching Andy’s horrific, heinous and embarrassing Jay-Z impersonation, you may have the sudden urge to scream,”Brooklyn, deck him!” (You can GONG me for that one, but you better GONG Andy first.) Andy doesn’t look like he’s doing Jay-Z. He looks like he’s doing a spot-on impersonation of a hoarse Yogi the Bear doing a shitty impersonation of Donald Trump and the eery deadness in his eyes tells me that the Illuminati is holding the remote control that operates his brain. You know, after re-reading that description, I have to say that Andy Roddick nailed it! Best and most spot-on impersonation of Jay-Z ever.

via UsWeekly

Ralph Lauren Hates The US Olympic Team

January 23, 2014 / Posted by:

They’re cheering on the outside, but on the inside they’re saying, “Fuck these Olympics right in Ralph Lauren’s ass.”

Before designing the Winter Olympics uniforms for Team USA, Ralph Lauren told his design team (who were obviously made up of all of our grandmas, memaws and abuelitas) to picture what would come out of a bald eagle’s beak if it got a never-ending case of the barfs after gorging on and Sarah Palin’s wardrobe. Then he told them to translate that puddle of bald eagle barf into a sweater. And that’s how the Team USA uniforms were born.

An entire nation screamed, “My ‘Murican memaw got me that shit for Christmas!” when the uniforms that Team USA will wear during the Opening Ceremony made its debut on Today this morning. Behold, this mess. It looks like the result of an Old Navy, NASCAR and Tommy Hilfiger outlet bukkake party. And if you thought there was no way these uniforms could look more hilariously ridiculous, here’s Matt Lauer, Natalie Morales and that ghost from TRL’s past to prove you wrong.


Natalie Morales is smiling something extra, because she finally found an outfit she can wear when she doesn’t want Matt Lauer to touch her ass with his eyes. That sucio perv Matt Lauer is smiling, because he knows what Natalie is thinking and knows that she’s wrong.

And in case I haven’t made myself clear: I LOVE THESE BUSTED UNIFORMS!

(Pics via @TODAYShow)

6 Devastating Words: The Captain And Tennille Are Divorcing

January 22, 2014 / Posted by:

I’ll wait here as you break up with your piece, break up with your entire family, break up with your dog, break up with your cat, break up with your favorite string of anal beads, break up with your vaporizer, break up with your Beverly Hills Teens DVDs, break up with your entire stash of microwave chicharrones and break up with everything else you love hard, because love won’t keep any of us together.

That sound you hear that sounds a lot like David Beckham letting out a high-pitched cry orgasm is the sound of the entire muskrat community wailing over the divorce of the two people who perfectly captured a regular muskrat date night in a song.  The Captain & Tennille gave muskrats a voice! People confirms that 73-year-old Toni Tennille filed divorce papers on January 16th in the city she lives, Prescott, Arizona. As soon as Toni filed papers to legally end her 39-year-old marriage with the Captain, the government should’ve immediately declared all current marriages null and void and made marriage illegal for everyone. What is the point of marriage if the Captain & Tennille aren’t married? The government is probably working on that, but they’re currently crying into a captain hat on the floor of a sauna.

The Captain (born name: Daryl Frank Dragon) tells TMZ that he has no idea why Toni wants to legally quit his 71-year-old ass. They’re still living in the same house.

A few years ago, Toni said that The Captain has a neurological condition similar to Parkinson’s and he suffers from tremors which has affected his ability to play the keyboard.

Why? Why? Why? Why would Toni divorce The Captain’s ass in his hour of need? Why would Toni ruin everybody’s faith in love by doing this? Why would Toni end 39 years of marriage? What’s the point? Can’t she just sleep in another room and ignore his ass the way normal married couples do? I really hope this is some STUNT QUEEN shit. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go hug an economy-sized bottle of tequila while singing this:

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