It is a dark day, because we soon may be without a daily dose of Vanilla Ice stealing shit from nearby homes while shooting The Vanilla Ice Project, and the tip-moistening sight of Mr. Clean’s tattooed handy Canadian brother Mike Holmes in overalls (thank GOD he’s also on HGTV). Because Discovery has announced that in the summer of 2020, the DIY Network will be beaten to death with hammers and thrown into a shallow grave before Chip and Joanna Gaines piss on it while cackling about their impending world domination.
All together now: RUUUUN, CAT, RUUUUUUUUUUUN!
30-year-old Shane Dawson (pronounced “WHO?!” to us olds) is one of the biggest (and probably one of the richest) YouTubers with over 21 million subscribers. And like many big YouTubers, he has mouth sharted up some foolery which he has had to give a totally real and genuine apology for. Shane had to put on his best sowwwy face to apologize for doing blackface repeatedly and for things he’s said about pedophilia. And yesterday, Shane, who came out as bisexual in 2015, had to once again try to save his YouTube Kingdom with a sorry after a clip came out of him telling the tale of the first time he got on pussy, and by pussy I mean an actual cat. Again: RUUUUN, CAT, RUUUUUUUUUUUN!
Julia Roberts presented the Best Picture Oscar last night and when she said the words “Green Book,” I was hoping that it was another PriceWaterhouseCoopers fuck up. But Green Book really did win Best Picture. Marie Kondo, who was at the Oscars last night (pics in the gallery), should’ve grabbed Green Book before the show, declared it doesn’t spark joy and trashed it before it had a chance to win anything. Damn you, Marie! You had ONE job!
The cover of this week’s People magazine is all about wiping the stain from Duchess Meghan’s tabloid-given reputation of being difficult (I’m still waiting for Prince George’s rebuttal), but those not-knowing-messes buried the real story of the week. In the pages of this week’s People is the story we should all be talking about: the human ray of glamour-dipped sunshine that is Susan Lucci could’ve died last year!
Now who is going to make you feel okay about having a side of Chardonnay with your bowl of Rice Krispies? Or a side of Chardonnay with your bowl of chardonnay? Oh shit, Kathie Lee Gifford’s next hustle should be a breakfast cereal called KLG’s Chardonnay-Os.
After 11 years, 500,000 gulps of fermented breakfast juice, and over 4,000 times yodeling out “Everyoooone has a stooo-reeeee“, the Christian Wine Queen of Morning Television has announced that she’s hanging up her monogrammed breakfast time wine glass and is leaving Today. Those of us who are masochists and watch Today every morning aren’t exactly dropping our mug of KLG-brand GIFFT Pinot Grigio (available at Wine.com!) out of shock, because there’s many a morning when the fourth hour of Today starts and we scream,”NOT JENNA BUSH HAGER FILLING IN FOR KLG AGAIN!” Although if this announcement was a real shock, we still wouldn’t drop our mug of KLG-brand GIFFT Pinot Grigio. That’s not what KLG would want.
John Stamos Was Really, Really Excited To Tell The Story About The Time “Fuller House” Was Playing In The Jack Off Room At A Fertility Clinic
I was going to throw a “How rude” GIF into this post, but Michelle Tanner doesn’t deserve to be associated with this unnecessary sucioness. She’s been through enough!
John Stamos was on Busy Tonight (aka Busy Philips’ Instagram page but with a studio audience) to promote the beauty and magnificence of John Stamos (and some other stuff too, who cares), and Busy asked him an innocent question about what he and his wife Mrs. John Stamos (I’m sure that’s what he calls her) binge-watched while taking care of their son Billy (who is SO lucky to have John Stamos’ genes). John joked that they binged Full House (you know it wasn’t a joke), and then he nearly made a sperm sample in his panties over getting to tell everyone a story he’s been waiting to tell. John really has been wanting to dribble at the mouth about how he was about to milk a baby batter nut into a cup at a fertility place when he turned on the TV and Fuller House was playing. Do I want the image of John Stamos fapping, sure, but now I miss a more innocent time when I didn’t have the dark-sided image of John Stamos fapping to Fuller House.