I shouldn’t say that the Dynasty reboot has been completely CW-fied. I don’t think there’s a superhero in this one. Although, I wouldn’t be shocked if the first episode ends with Cristal revealing that she’s a secret DC superhero. The CW has to find a way to shit out a Dynasty/Supergirl/Arrow/The Flash crossover episode.
The CW held its upfronts in NYC today and announced that us worshipers of the original Dynasty have just a few months to prepare for the night when we’ll scream, cry and slap down our TVs as though we’re Alexis and its Krystle. The CW’s Dollar General reboot of Dynasty will stink up Wednesdays when it debuts after Riverdale in the fall.
The CW farted out the first trailer and the show’s first catfight, and Jesus be a last-minute cameo appearance by Dame Joan Collins, because it looks like a bland, boring dried turd. That “when you order something online vs when it arrives” meme was made to compare the original Dynasty to this basic Dynasty reboot. The original Dynasty was a flawless 10 carat diamond whose sparkles were so bright they burned retinas, and this shit is a dull counterfeit diamond made of off-brand peanut butter.
ABC held its upfronts presentation (more like “upchuck presentation“) in NYC today and they announced all sorts of shit that’s got people asking, “Whyyyyyy?!” ABC confirmed that they’re dragging American Idol’s still cold body out if its grave next year. They also confirmed the Roseanne revival (the entire cast is back including Sarah Chalke who will play a different role) and they announced that they’re getting into the live musical game by doing The Little Mermaid Live this October (ABC’s offices should block Lindsay Lohan’s cell number because she’ll be burning up their phones now).
But the news that really made me cringe and also made all of the Pimp Mama Krises out there explode with glee is that ABC will air a kid version of Dancing with the Stars. ABC’s Dancing with the Stars Junior will pair child stars and the children of celebrities with junior pro dancers and they’ll do choreographed routines in front of a panel of judges. Every day we stray further from God’s light and get closer to HELL!
When it was announced that The CW committed and illegal and hurtful crime by ordering a pilot for a Joan Collins-less reboot of Dynasty, I sort of did a slow wall slide of sadness, but I mostly brushed it off. There’s no way God would let it go any further. When it was announced that The CW’s Dynasty reboot would star Grant Show as Blake Carrington, I sort of did another slow wall slide of sadness, but mostly brushed it off again. There’s no way God would let it actually get picked up to series. It got picked up to series. In the words of my favorite sage Paula Abdul, “Where is God when you need him? Because this does not make sense.”
Everyone has been saying for years and years that the print magazine industry is dying a slow, painful death and will one day be completely extinct. But today, it’s the trees who are shaking with fear, because Goopy Paltrow is here to save the entire print magazine industry!
Women’s Wear Daily says that Goopy and Anna Wintour have joined evil forces to steam queef out Goop the Magazine. Since the High Priestess of Pretentiousness and the Death Eater Queen of Fashion are working on a magazine together, expect articles about how to tell if the virgin blood you’re about to drink directly from the vein is sugar-free, fat-free, preservatives-free, gluten-free, corn-free, soy-free and organic. I also can’t wait to read Tracy Anderson’s article on the 5 easy stretches you should do to make sure your legs don’t cramp while kneeling during a really long sacrificial ritual ceremony to Satan.
Get Out was made from an original idea, it cost around $4.5 million to make and it’s brought in a mountain of money in just a few weeks. But yet, Hollywood is still looking at it and sharpening their shank as they say, “That’s nice, but which action series from the past can we try to milk for easy money next?” The Hollywood Reporter says they’re going after The Matrix series. As someone who once got laughed at by a DJ at a goth club for requesting a song from The Matrix soundtrack, I, at first, didn’t think it was a bad idea to bring back the series. But I quickly dropped that “idea” into the Land of Do Not Want after reading that Lana and Lily Wachowski aren’t working on it.
All together now: Fuck you, Grant Show, you’re not my Blake Carrington! You can’t tell me what to do!
TNT’s revival of Dallas worked for me, because they used the original actors (in their original roles) and also brought in new youngins. But The CW isn’t doing that with their blasphemous Dynasty reboot. They’re bringing it into modern day (goodbye shoulder pads and Nolan Miller eleganza) and it doesn’t look like they’re using any of the original actors. They’re using the characters, though, and just recasting them. It’s a straight-up remake with strangers in it!