When you first get cast in a primetime soap opera, you are asked to put your right hand on the primetime soap opera bible (Dynasty: The Complete Series DVD collection) and vow to never ever betray the primetime soap opera God (Joan Collins) by playing the role of Alexis Carrington in a bottom shelf reboot of Dynasty. But Nicollette Sheridan has broken that vow and committed the ultimate primetime soap opera sin by taking the role of Alexis Carrington in a bottom shelf reboot of Dynasty! Why, Nicollette, why? If you need a check that bad, you should’ve started a GoFundMe. We all would’ve donated and understood!
Pictured: Prince Hot Ginge making the same face I made when he said Princess Diana would be “over the moon” about him getting engaged to Meghan Markle. First, he betrays me by getting engaged to a different biracial American, and then he says the line that hurts my soul almost more than the line, “Sorry, but we’re out of alcohol.” Way to knee me in the b-hole before spitting on it! And not in a sexy way.
After their engagement photo call, PHG and the real winner of I Wanna Marry Harry did one of those traditional and weird interviews that newly engaged British royals do. Now, if I just got engaged to PHG and had to do one of those weird TV interviews, I’d just flash my ring at the camera while saying, “Eat it, whores!“, before humping him until they furiously cut to commercial. But PHG and Meghan talked to the BBC’s Mishal Husain about boring things like how they met, his proposal, her ring and blah blah blah. Yes, I’ll admit that they’re cute and sweet together, but the only thing more barf-inducing than watching an ~in love~ couple sweetly talk about how ~in love~ they are, is watching an ~in love~ couple sweetly talk about how ~in love~ they are while not having to worry about money ever again! Damn them!
I Can’t Wait To Hear About The Stupid Method Shit That Jared Leto Is Going To Do While Playing Hugh Hefner
It hasn’t even been a week since Hugh Hefner’s corpse moved next door to Marilyn Monroe’s corpse (in possibly related news, Marilyn Monroe’s corpse requested a crypt change), but Hollywood is already making moves to bring his biopic to the big screen. Brett Ratner (who directed the Rush Hour movies and who jacked his shrimp dick to Olivia Munn while eating actual shrimp) has been trying to get a Hugh Hefner biopic made for almost ten years. It’s now one step closer to happening, because the only actor who has truly ever acted Jared Leto has signed on to slip into some silk pajamas to play Hugh Hefner. This is great news for ophthalmologists, because they’re going to get a ton of new business from people who break their eye muscles from rolling them so hard while listening to how method Jared got to play Hef.
Even though I get an email at least once a week from my landlord saying everyone in the building needs to clean up their Amazon shit from the front door, reportedly only 10% of all retail transactions these days take place online. The rest still goes down in actual stores. Just not the Gap. But some heartless people want to change how we shop at the most sacred of all shopping experiences! Continue reading
I shouldn’t say that the Dynasty reboot has been completely CW-fied. I don’t think there’s a superhero in this one. Although, I wouldn’t be shocked if the first episode ends with Cristal revealing that she’s a secret DC superhero. The CW has to find a way to shit out a Dynasty/Supergirl/Arrow/The Flash crossover episode.
The CW held its upfronts in NYC today and announced that us worshipers of the original Dynasty have just a few months to prepare for the night when we’ll scream, cry and slap down our TVs as though we’re Alexis and its Krystle. The CW’s Dollar General reboot of Dynasty will stink up Wednesdays when it debuts after Riverdale in the fall.
The CW farted out the first trailer and the show’s first catfight, and Jesus be a last-minute cameo appearance by Dame Joan Collins, because it looks like a bland, boring dried turd. That “when you order something online vs when it arrives” meme was made to compare the original Dynasty to this basic Dynasty reboot. The original Dynasty was a flawless 10 carat diamond whose sparkles were so bright they burned retinas, and this shit is a dull counterfeit diamond made of off-brand peanut butter.
ABC held its upfronts presentation (more like “upchuck presentation“) in NYC today and they announced all sorts of shit that’s got people asking, “Whyyyyyy?!” ABC confirmed that they’re dragging American Idol’s still cold body out if its grave next year. They also confirmed the Roseanne revival (the entire cast is back including Sarah Chalke who will play a different role) and they announced that they’re getting into the live musical game by doing The Little Mermaid Live this October (ABC’s offices should block Lindsay Lohan’s cell number because she’ll be burning up their phones now).
But the news that really made me cringe and also made all of the Pimp Mama Krises out there explode with glee is that ABC will air a kid version of Dancing with the Stars. ABC’s Dancing with the Stars Junior will pair child stars and the children of celebrities with junior pro dancers and they’ll do choreographed routines in front of a panel of judges. Every day we stray further from God’s light and get closer to HELL!