Everyone has been saying for years and years that the print magazine industry is dying a slow, painful death and will one day be completely extinct. But today, it’s the trees who are shaking with fear, because Goopy Paltrow is here to save the entire print magazine industry!
Women’s Wear Daily says that Goopy and Anna Wintour have joined evil forces to steam queef out Goop the Magazine. Since the High Priestess of Pretentiousness and the Death Eater Queen of Fashion are working on a magazine together, expect articles about how to tell if the virgin blood you’re about to drink directly from the vein is sugar-free, fat-free, preservatives-free, gluten-free, corn-free, soy-free and organic. I also can’t wait to read Tracy Anderson’s article on the 5 easy stretches you should do to make sure your legs don’t cramp while kneeling during a really long sacrificial ritual ceremony to Satan.
Get Out was made from an original idea, it cost around $4.5 million to make and it’s brought in a mountain of money in just a few weeks. But yet, Hollywood is still looking at it and sharpening their shank as they say, “That’s nice, but which action series from the past can we try to milk for easy money next?” The Hollywood Reporter says they’re going after The Matrix series. As someone who once got laughed at by a DJ at a goth club for requesting a song from The Matrix soundtrack, I, at first, didn’t think it was a bad idea to bring back the series. But I quickly dropped that “idea” into the Land of Do Not Want after reading that Lana and Lily Wachowski aren’t working on it.
All together now: Fuck you, Grant Show, you’re not my Blake Carrington! You can’t tell me what to do!
TNT’s revival of Dallas worked for me, because they used the original actors (in their original roles) and also brought in new youngins. But The CW isn’t doing that with their blasphemous Dynasty reboot. They’re bringing it into modern day (goodbye shoulder pads and Nolan Miller eleganza) and it doesn’t look like they’re using any of the original actors. They’re using the characters, though, and just recasting them. It’s a straight-up remake with strangers in it!
Ryan Murphy was on Watch What Happens Live last night and he spilled some info on two of the 300,000 shows he’s currently working on. Ryan confirmed that season 4 of American Crime Story will focus on the Monica Lewinsky/Bill Clinton sex scandal and adds that he’s talking to Sarah Paulson about possibly playing the role that will forever belong to John Goodman: the role of Linda Tripp. Ryan doesn’t think that the Clintons will be major characters in it and wants to cast an unknown as Monica Lewinsky. That high-pitched hyena sound that is fucking your eardrums hard is Lea Michele screaming while cutting up the beret she bought to play Monica.
Season 2 of ACS is about Katrina and will start shooting this summer. Season 3 of ACS is about the Gianni Versace murder and it starts shooting in the spring, but will air after Katrina. Ryan dropped a shock bomb (wrapped in a thick, puffy layer of sarcasm) last night by announcing that Darren Criss will play Andrew Cunanan. Hot Venezuelan piece Edgar Ramirez will play Versace. Ryan says that they’re talking to an Oscar-winner about playing Donatella. I’m going to guess either Charlize Theron, or Daniel Day-Lewis, who can really do it all.
As for the 7th season of American Horror Story… Ryan and company will grab their viewers by the ankles and drag ’em back to the chunky shit hellscape that was the 2016 presidential election. Although, compared to what’s happening now, I look at those innocent, sweet days fondly.
And in a stunning development that may cause you to tip over with pure shock, Kim Kartrashian didn’t shoot reenactment scenes of her Paris robbery for an Unsolved Mysteries-style 12-part investigative event airing on E!. Pimp Mama Kris is saving for that sweeps.
Ocean’s Eight was turning out to be my kind of movie. It had everything: a dramatic heist, a random cast that summoned a million question marks, Cate Blanchett in “washed-up rocker lesbian turned owner of an art gallery” chic and a dog on a skateboard (just lie to me and tell me they gave that talented bitch a major role). But then the evil makers just had to taint it with a giant plastic splattering of fame whores. Kim Kartrashian and all-natural sliver of dehydrated celery Kendull Jenner will be in it. Well, I guess every movie needs a piss break and it’s pretty fitting to make Kim the star of a pee time scene.
Telephone operators should expect to be flooded with thousands of calls from oldies who demand to be connected to Studio City 6-500, because they’ll want to take out their teeth and rage scream at CBS for butchering one of their childhood classics! CBS has really messed up with this one, because the oldies are their main demographic. They’re biting the Asperecreme-covered hand that feeds them.
The Hollywood Reporter says that executives at CBS grabbed a list of Classics That Haven’t Been Shredded To Bits Yet, looked at the titles and shrugged after saying, “The Honeymooners? Sure, why not!”