“Takes one to know one, HUNTY!” – Barnaby Joyce, Australia’s Agriculture Minister.
The international incident that shook the world like a Yorkie shaking the greasy fleas off after getting too close to Johnny Depp is not over. Australia is still wondering how Johnny Depp and Amber Heard smuggled their Yorkies, Boo and Pistol, into the country and he could be hit with fines and thrown into prison (yeah right) for not putting his dogs in quarantine. Since this highly serious case is still under investigation, Amber’s high-paid fancy lawyers should’ve told her to keep her mouth lips shut about it. But Amber just couldn’t help herself and had to throw hate at Australia while promoting Magic Mike XXL during a pre-recorded interview on the Australian morning show Sunrise (via E!). Amber said that she and Johnny are probably going to keep their distance from Australia and its attention whorey politicians. RIP Australia’s scarf industry.
“I have a feeling we’re going to avoid the land Down Under from now on, just as much as we can, thanks to certain politicians there. I don’t know, I guess everyone tries to go for their 15 minutes, including some government officials.”
After the clip of Amber’s interview aired on Sunrise’s, the show’s hosts called a trick out. Host David Koch said, “Hollywood types. They think they’re a bit above the law.”
When asked for a comment, Australia, who is in the fetal position on the floor, shook its head “no” before it went back to crying Vegemite-flavored tears into a bowl of half-eaten lamington batter. How can it go on knowing that Bracelets McScarfDirt and his dead-eyed wife don’t want to be inside of it? If you need Australia, it’ll be hugging itself while cry singing, “How Am I Supposed To Live Without You?”
So let’s recap: Johnny Depp and Amber Heard broke Australia’s quarantine laws by smuggling in their Yorkies and she’s the one side-eyeing Australia? I would tell her to have a seat, but it’s probably impossible to sit when your head is firmly up your own ass. So, I’ll tell Amber to have a squat. Have a squat, bitch.
Here’s Above The Law Heard wearing two different dresses while walking around NYC yesterday.
Tyga was overheard saying, “Damn, I just really like Selena’s energy and she comes from a good upbringing and– what? She’s 22? Oh, too old, too old….”
Ariana Grande Latte is holding an emergency meeting with her lawyers this morning, because she thought she owned the copyright for the prostitot look. If V Magazine was going for, “if Terry Richardson and Margaret Keane got together to do a spread specifically for the white windowless van demographic, ” they nailed it! Selena not only got done up like a Lolita muñeca for V, she also did an interview with James Franco (????) and told him that she’s growing up and learned a lot from dating a certain famous piece of dirty tampon lint:
“I think the next time will be much different…which will definitely not be any time soon. That’s a growing up kind of thing. I was 18 years old, and it was my first love. The older I get, I’m guarding certain things more. After being put through the scrutiny, I understand what it is. When you’re young and you’re being told so many different things…it almost felt like all we had was each other, like the world was against us, in a way. It was really weird but it was incredible. I would never take it back in a million years. You live and you learn, you know?
There were a few months where I was a little depressed, where I wouldn’t leave [the house] as much. I think I drove myself crazy for a little bit. It was just easier to say, ‘Hey, do you mind running to the grocery store and picking some stuff up, I don’t want to get photographed.’ I’m finally getting a little bit more comfortable. It’s a process.”
Oh, okay, so I guess part of the “process” is saying okay to getting styled like an anime Pretty Baby for a magazine. That’s great and everything, but will Selena please give us all the address for her money manager so we know where to send the bill after the FBI breaks down our door for looking at these messy ass pictures.