Category: Whores and Slores

Mick Hucknall From Simply Red Says He’s “Probably” Boned Over 1000 Women

November 10, 2014 / Posted by:

Mick Hucknall (more like Mick Fucknall, amirite?), lead singer for the band Simply Red, working prototype for Ed Sheeran, and the voice that conceived a million babies in the 80s and 90s, recently spoke to The Telegraph (via Daily Mail) about the upcoming 30th anniversary tour for Simply Red, and just like any time you talk to a former panty-dropper from the 80s, the conversation turned to sex.

According to horny ginger folklore, Mick spent most of his Simply Red years in a never-ending ‘hit it/quit it/check for a rash’ pussy stupor and got his hump on with at least 1000 ladies. But since it’s a little hard to believe that a dude who looks like Latchboy from Hook if he left Neverland and became a Hollywood talent scout was once eyeball deep in groupies, The Telegraph asked if that number is correct:

“It probably is. I don’t keep count. I’ve no idea, but I would think over a 25-year period that’s probably reasonable to say. It’s like kids in a candy store. There’s girls chasing you all the time. When you’re 24 you don’t give a toss.”

I wonder if he ever tried to pick up using the line “If I don’t know me by now…would you like to? Meet me backstage in 3 minutes.

Okay, back to Mick fucking 1000 ladies. I want to believe 1000 is a high number, but the slut in me says that number is actually on the low side. Let’s do the math: 1000 ladies divided by 25 years equals 40 laid ladies per year, which works out to about 3 each month. Only 3 a month?!? That’s nothing for a true slut! I’m sorry Mick, but I’m going to have to ask you to hand in your slutty pop star card. Either that, or you need to start taking better care documenting your fucks. Get a better system, Mick!

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JLo Says She’ll Get Married Again Because She Doesn’t “Whore Around”

August 22, 2014 / Posted by:

It wasn’t that long ago that Jennifer Lopez, the come-to-life human version of a hand-puppet created by a Colorado elementary school student, called it quits with her Sid from Toy Story-looking boyfriend Casper Smart, so when she appeared on Chelsea Lately Thursday night, Chelsea Handler asked her what her game plan was for her dating future and whether or not she’d entertain the idea of getting married for a fourth time. Since her last relationship ended when her kept bitch boy toy seemed to forget who was responsible for slipping prepaid VISA cards into his wallet every night and started sneaking around with bikini models, you’d think the answer would be a big fat NO. But JLo says that when two roads diverge in the pussy woods, she’ll be taking the road less traveled by penises:

“I like being in a relationship. I’m not one to like, whore around, and stuff like that—that’s not my thing.”

I don’t really blame her; JLo has proven time and time again that she needs to start screening her tricks better. If Diddy, Ben Affleck, Cris Judd, Skeletor, and Casper Smart is the result of JLo being “selective”, then I would hate to see the kind of bottom-feeders she’d wrap her pussy lips around if she didn’t give a fuck.

But I do have a problem with her saying the words “whore around” like it’s a bad thing! Excuse you, bitch! You can’t throw shade at people who whore around if you’re guilty of Skeletor-ing around, which is a Class-4 felony when it comes to crimes against fuck parts. I think if you asked any pussy out there if they’d rather have 200 random dicks or 1 that looks like Hordak, I’m pretty sure they’d pick the 200 random dicks. I mean, I would. Hordak is scary! I don’t wanna hump a dick that looks like a skeleton bat!

There’s Trouble In Tori and Dean’s Broke Bitch Paradise

December 26, 2013 / Posted by:

In case Santa couldn’t fit any schadenfreude in your stocking next to the coal, condoms and lube, USWeekly has a little karmic deliciousness for you. They are reporting that Dean McDermott cheated on Tori Spelling earlier this month after meeting 28-year old Emily Goodhand (now and forever known as Emily Handjob) through friends while he was in Toronto pimping out his hosting gig for Chopped Canada. Miss Handjob gave the magazine an exclusive interview.

He told me he and Tori had a sexless marriage,” says Goodhand, who stayed over at his hotel the following night too. “I believed him.

Dean! The first rule of Goldiggers’s Club is to not bite the hand that feeds you. Now you march right over to Candy’s house and say you’re sorry. While you’re there, ask for a check so you can take a Cheating Sleaze 101 class down at the rec center and get yourself some new lines. The sexless marriage shtick is so old it watched Jesus lace up his sandals.

And Emily! Guuuurl, you just became the piñata Tori is going to beat to death until the checks run dry. Get some home wrecking standards for yourself and cross everything from your fingers to those whore legs that Dean was able to get down to the Humane Society and qualify for their low-cost spay and neuter program because Tori would milk a pregnant mistress story for all it’s worth.

It looks like Tori is going to go against everything she believes in by ignoring attention from the press and is pretending everything is A-OK if this blog entry is any indication. You can’t fool us, Tori. We know you’ve already posted an open position at Tori Spelling, Inc., looking for somebody who has a way with words and can painfully force either your first or last name into the title of a book that will document the aftermath of Dean’s (alleged) affair. May I suggest “The STori Of How You Get A Man Is How You Lose A Man“?

(Pic: Splash)

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