I have a juicer and it’s currently wearing a luscious layer of dust in my kitchen cabinet. I hardly use it, because I tried to juice Runts candy with it, and that didn’t work (weird, I know), and all of the preparing and cleaning takes forever and is really, really, really hard work. After I’ve cut all the fruits and stupid vegetables, juiced them and torn my arm tendons from cleaning that machine, I don’t want to drink a thimble-sized amount of orange/ginger/carrot/spinach/whatever juice. I want to relax from doing all that hard labor by sipping some vodka and sucking on a joint. So when I heard about a space-looking juicer that doesn’t require any clean-up, I was intrigued… But while you don’t have to clean up the Juicero, the Juicero will clean up your checking account, because it costs $400! That’s a no from me. And it looks like it may be a no from the ones who can afford a $400 juicer. Because Juicero is pretty much useless.
Las Vegas illusionist Criss Angel blacked out on Friday night, but unlike most black outs that happen in Las Vegas, this one wasn’t caused by drinking too many of those bong-sized alcohol slushies. The man who looks like an Ed Hardy-ized version of Ralph Macchio had to abruptly end his Mindfreak Live! show at the Luxor Hotel after a stunt went wrong.
TMZ says it happened while 49-year-old Criss attempted to perform an act that involved him trying to escape from a straitjacket while hanging upside down from his feet. After about two minutes of awkwardly spinning and struggling, Criss couldn’t get out of the straitjacket and he lost consciousness. He was lowered to the stage as the curtain closed, and the 90-minute show was over after only 10 minutes. Once Criss was freed from the straitjacket from Hell, he was rushed to the ER at a nearby hospital.
Criss was alright and left the hospital the same night just before 10pm. The next night he was back performing again, and successfully performed the straitjacket stunt.
Criss spoke to ABC News about the ordeal and said that it wasn’t a publicity stunt. He added that it’s all part of the job, and said the ole’ “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
I like the kind of magic where someone pulls a quarter from behind my ear or pretends to steal my nose, not the kind where a guy almost dies after getting stuck in a straitjacket. That’s not magic to me! I’ve seen that kind of “magic” plenty of times in the mirror of a change room while I struggle to get out of a too-tight shirt.
We already know that the Academy’s accounting firm, PricewaterhouseCoopers, ultimately are the ones to blame for the most entertaining moment of the Oscars, because one of their accountants gave Warren Beatty the Best Actress envelope instead of the Best Picture envelope. But Variety says that at the Vanity Fair party, Faye blamed herself and blurted out, “I really fucked up” And TMZ says that Faye and Warren got into a memaw vs. pepaw battle during rehearsals. They both wanted to read off the winner. Bet if they had to do it again, they’d each fight to not read that mess.
It looks like the Oscars and Dlisted share the same fact-checking agency (aka my sleeping dog who I think just farted and swallowed some barf at the same time. Talent!). Because they had a few giant fuck-ups last night. They botched Best Picture, and Leonardo DiCatchAHo accidentally said Emma Stone’s name instead of Isabelle Huppert’s while announcing the winner for Best Actress. The second one hasn’t been confirmed, but it will be. It will be!
Another grade 10 oops happened during the In Memoriam segment. The In Memoriam segment always ends up pissing people off, because they always leave a few artistes out. This year’s Oscars In Memoriam segment left out Garry Shandling, Robert Vaughn, Doris Roberts, Florence Henderson and Alexis Arquette. But this year, they fucked up in a brand, new way.
“Ooooooh, bitch got sent to the principal’s office at ABC” is what many of us thought after reading the completely natural apology that Noah Galvin gave for giving his raw thoughts about Bryan Singer’s ALLEGED boy-diddling ways, Colton Haynes’ “pussy bullshit” coming out and Eric Stonestreet’s performance of a stereotypical gay man on Modern Family. 22-year-old Noah, who is openly gay, is the star of The Real O’Neals, which was renewed for a second season but doesn’t get nearly the ratings that ABC’s golden child Modern Family does. So Noah Galvin talking trash about Modern Family is like you spitting in the face of your boss’ favorite child while kicking them in the dick. And so of course, Noah got in trouble.
Wind truly is the shameless pervert of the weather world. It’s always blowing up skirts and blowing against the crotch parts of pants. Sure, rain makes everyone look like they’re starring in a low-budget wet clothes fetish porno, but at least rain helps flowers grow. Wind does nothing but embarrass you. Case in point, Elizabeth Olsen at a Miu Miu fragrance launch in Paris on Saturday. Chris Evans’ secret on-set girlfriend showed up wearing a dress from the Shirley Partridge Collection, and it only took about three seconds in front of the paps before that sleazy creep came and blew up her dress. Inappropriate, wind!
Thankfully, Elizabeth brought a pussy-hiding purse with her and she was able to push her dress back down. Still, she might want to take a cue from The Queen and fill her skirt hem full of weights next time. And yes, there will be a next time – there’s always a chance that a no-good skirt-flipping gust of wind is lurking around, ready to pounce and expose your down-lows. The wind is the Joe Francis of the meteorology world.
But if Elizabeth really wants to get back at the wind, she could always ask her pocket goth older sisters, the Olsen Twins, to put a curse on it. What am I saying? They probably already have beef with the wind. One strong gust, and they’re blown thirty feet into the air like two plastic bags.
Here’s more of Elizabeth at the Miu Miu event, as well as Kate Moss, Amber Heard, the Gyllenhaal-Sarsgaards, and Sally Draper.