I’m sure we can all relate, right? I mean, who of us didn’t move their barely-employed adult creeper boyfriend into our $6 million home when we were 18-years-old? So relatable. Only a few days after it was reported that teenage liquid lipstick mogul Kylie Jenner was sort-of back together with cartoon tapeworm (and sometime rapper) Tyga, a source has told UsWeekly that Tyga is living at Kylie’s house now. Congratulations, Tyga! You found a house that a landlord won’t evict you from!
Oh, you sweet, naive red ropes. You thought you could prevent such a disaster, didn’t you? Red ropes, when will you learn that four feet of hanging horizontal nylon is no match for a child hell-bent on destruction.
There is a reason for why this picture will probably make you wince hard, and it has nothing to do with imagining stepping on one of those LEGOs with a bare foot. This is a picture of a $15,000 LEGO sculpture of Nick Wilde from Disney’s Zootopia. Or at least, what was a LEGO sculpture of Nick Wilde from Disney’s Zootopia.
According to CCTVNews (via NY Daily Mail), a Chinese LEGO sculptor known simply as Mr. Zhao decided to make a human-sized sculpture of Nick Wilde. CCTVNews says that Mr. Zhao’s LEGO Nick was worth more than 100,000 yuan, or about $15,000 USD. They don’t say how many LEGOs it took Mr. Zhao to build Nick, but I’m going to guess it roughly a fuckload. It also took him three days and three nights. Look at it; of course it did. This isn’t the kind of thing you throw together while laying on the floor on your stomach as you watch SpongeBob.
Mr. Zhao took that giant stoned-looking plastic fox to a LEGO expo in Ningbo last Sunday and put it on display. It took less than an hour for some disrespectful child (probably a Mega Bloks fan) to scoot under the ropes and knock it down. You might think that seeing his precious LEGO sculpture crash into a zillion pieces would bring the kind of rage that trying to pry two thin bricks apart brings, but no. Mr. Zhao was cool about it.
The internet, however, wasn’t so kind. They reacted how you’d think they’d react: they went for the parents of the LEGO-wrecking child. Which means they’re either super serious about good behavior, LEGO, or animated foxes. Or all three, which might be the weirdest, most random fandom in existence.
Mr. Zhao insists that the child, who was about 4 or 5 years old, “didn’t mean to break it.” He also accepted an apology from the parents, but declined any compensation. He said no to money? Mr. Zhao’s hands may be 96% plastic splinters, but his heart is pure gold.
17-year-old Kylie Jenner took a break from her daily activities as a wealthy unsupervised teenager (ie. taking selfies and yelling at her adult boyfriend Tyga to “get down!” every time they drive past a police station) to fly to Miami and make some money. Kylie showed up to the opening of a Sugar Factory candy store last night, which I guess makes sense, considering she’s still technically a child, and kids love candy. But what doesn’t make sense is why she went looking like Elvira, Mistress of the Dark after a 2-for-1 session at Fabutan.
Maybe she was dressed like that because she was filling in for Kim Kardashian, who had to kall in sick to work because she had a case of the pregnancy barfs? It would explain that janky right shoulder pad; they clearly didn’t have time to tailor the dress from Kim’s size 4 hobbit to Kylie size 6 regular. But did they also have to cover her face with Kim’s makeup too? And as if seeing Kylie dressed like Kim wasn’t uncomfortable enough, she went ahead and made it more awkward by joking about all the duct tape needed to keep her tits up and out.
I’d ask “Your mother let you out of the house looking like that?“, but we all know that dress is 100000x more modest than what Kris Jenner would have picked out. If Pimp Mama Kris had her way, all her earners would be showing up to their paid appearances in plastic dry cleaning bags.
Here’s more of Kylie Jenner working the opening of a candy store last night:
Chet Haze, the aspiring trust fund “rapper” and British hotel-trashing n-word enthusiast who is now trying to go by the name “Chet Hanx” (because he wants to bring even more shame to his family’s name, I guess) told TMZ that he recently got some very good advice from his parents, Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson. According to Chet, mommy and daddy have told their 24-year-old son that it may be time to put down the iPhone they definitely paid for and stop posting every dumb thought that escapes from his brain. Finally – confirmation that Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson are as embarrassed of the shit their son says as the rest of us are.
“My parents, like, they be telling me just to, like, ‘Stay off social media, period’. Like, even before this happened, they would, like, be like, ‘Hey, you know, like, don’t be on Instagram so much.’ But they’re the old generation. They don’t get it. Like, this is the new generation. We do things differently now. You know what I mean? You either gonna get it or you’re not gonna get it.”
If you want to see what it would look like if Forrest Gump had a grandson who was best friends with C-Czar from Kroll Show, here’s the video of Chet’s conversation with TMZ. He also talks about how it’s OK for him to use the n-word, because he identifies with black culture and that it’s an unspoken thing that “white people use that term.” That loud thumping sound you just heard was Tom and Rita banging their heads against their kitchen table.
We all know that Kylie Jenner’s thing is being a future high school dropout and current filler enthusiast who spends her days tearing around Calabasas in trampy gutter skank couture with her 25-year-old boyfriend Tyga and getting “high as fuck“, and I always assumed Kris Jenner was a-ok with that because, really, what else is a 17-year-old reality show millionaire and aspiring fame whore supposed to do?
However, People says Pimp Mama Kris and her family of drowsy-faced moneymakers are worried about the youngest earner at the Kardashian Khompound. According to a “friend” of Kylie’s, Satan’s Best™ don’t think she’s Lohan-levels of messy just yet, but “a few are worried” that Tyga and his friends might turn her that way.
“A lot of Tyga’s friends are enablers. That makes her mom the most nervous. She doesn’t want Kylie getting off track.”
“A lot of Tyga’s friends are enablers.” Well no shit, Captain Obvious – friends don’t let friends go by a name as busted as Tyga.
But I think we probably all have the same response to this. All together now: DUH! Well, at least in regards to the ‘hanging around with the wrong crowd’ part; I’m actually a little shocked about that ‘family being concerned’ part. Who knew the Kardashians kared about anything besides Botox, selfies, money, Botox, and money? Now that I think of it, that’s probably why PMK is so worried about who Kylie is hanging out with; you can’t click-clack make that money if you’re too busy babysitting your boyfriend’s kid!
Speaking of said kid, TMZ says Tyga is hissing back at Blac Chyna’s attempt to get full custody of their son. “Sources” say Tyga knows it has nothing to do with King Cairo starting preschool and everything to do with Blac Chyna being a jealous that he chose to be with Kylie Jenner. He also thinks he’s the better parent because, according to Tyga, Blac Chyna cares more about whoring it up at the club every night than looking after their son.
I feel like that alone should be enough to convince Kylie that she’s rolling with some next-level life shame. Nothing says look at your life, look at your choices like finding yourself in the middle of a messy custody fight between the Dollar General version of Wiz Khalifa and Amber Rose.
Poor Chris Hansen; he’s probably got a next-level case of shin splints from all the chairs he’s kicked out for Tyga to have a seat on.
According to TMZ, 25-year-old rapper/father/owner of some busted Ronald McDonald hair Tyga is no longer being coy about his relationship with 17-year-old future homeschool drop out/aspiring filler enthusiast Kylie Jenner. Tyga sort of dipped his toe into the shallow end of the poor decisions pool by getting her name tattooed on his arm, but recently he dove straight into the deep end. Even though the age of consent in California is still 18, TMZ says Tyga has been telling his friends that he’s not worried about statutory rape laws because his teenage girlfriend is “more mature” than most adults. Tyga thinks that because Kylie is a millionaire who runs a company and owns her own house, she’s basically a grown woman. “Looks like I’m no longer needed here” thought the numbers 1997 on her birth certificate.
Tyga also says there’s nothing “morally wrong” with dating a 17-year-old, and that he “doesn’t give a fuck about what the law says.” I’m going to use that one the next time I’m pulled over for steering my car with my knees so I can two-fist a pair of cheeseburgers.
Even though you and I know what Tyga and Kylie are doing is the definition of shady, not-right, and NO, “law enforcement sources” tell TMZ that unless someone files a complaint, there’s nothing they can do about it. And you know that even if someone were to file a complaint, it would be intercepted by Pimp Mama Kris’ telekinetic shitty parenting powers.
But where’s Kylie in all of this? If you said school, then you’re a dumbass. No! She’s filming Snapchat videos of herself getting “high as fuck“. Bruce Jenner, come get your plastic-looking kid!