CNN says that my former favorite Republican blond wifebot and third wife of Newt Gingrich, Callista Gingrich, is probably going to become Pope Francis’ new neighbor, because she’s the White House’s pick for the next Ambassador to the Vatican. Jesus and God are definitely shaking their heads over this news. Jesus and God know that tourists visiting Vatican City are going to ignore their portraits and sculptures whenever Callista floats on by with sparks shooting off of her perfectly-sculpted peroxide hair helmet of perfection.
Have you ever dipped a french fry into some ketchup and thought: “How undignified! If only there was some kind of contraption that would class up the process.” You’re in luck! McDonald’s has created the plastic fries-holding handle of your dreams. First chicken chips, now this? Don’t ever say that fast food isn’t the leader in technical innovation.
McDonald’s has three new burgers on the menu and to get the word out about their Signature Crafted Recipes, they hired Anthony Sullivan for a fake infomercial promoting The Frork. The Frork is supposed to help you pick up all the sloppy sauce that falls out of your burger. Oh, that’s terrific. I can’t tell you how often I’ve eagerly scooped up sauce with my hand and mistaken a finger for a french fry.
Here’s how it works: First mush three fries into the Frork handle. Then smear it through the fallen sauce. Lastly, shove the whole thing in your mouth.
Obviously The Frork is a joke, because let’s face it, no McDonald’s customer is going to use a tool that makes the fries eating process slower. McDonald’s chef Michael Haracz tells Adweek they came up with The Frork to show McDonald’s customers they’re willing to do “whatever it takes to help them enjoy every last bite.” I’m sorry Chef Mike, but The Frork isn’t going to cut it. The only thing preventing me from fully enjoying McDonald’s is my own body. Chewing is just so hard; sometimes I get tired and have to stop before I finish my second double cheeseburger. If there was some way to easily unhinge my jaw to allow for food to slide down easier. Get on it, Chef Mike.