Weston Cage Got A DUI After A Crazy Police Chase

We haven’t really heard much lately from Weston Cage, the son of constantly-lit firecracker Nicolas Cage. The last time we heard from Nic’s 26-year-old goth son, he was sort of settled down and trying to do the husband and daddy thing. He took a break from the picket fence life and brought back the Weston Cage of six years ago.

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Nicolas Cage Is A Grandpa Now

On July 1st, crazy-faced insanity weasel Nicolas Cage walked into Walgreens, picked up the big bag of Werther’s Originals and one of those wooden beaded car seat covers, tried to pay for his $20 purchase with a handful of 200-year-old Prussian thalers, then drove his 1965 gold-plated Coupe DeVille through the locked gates of his local lawn bowling club, where he proceeded to rip off his shirt, crush butterscotch hard candies into his chest hair, and scream “I AM ONE OF YOU NOW!”.

I’m sure you’re thinking: “So?? Isn’t that what Nic Cage does every day?”, but on this particular day, he was celebrating the birth of his grandson. On July 1st, Nicolas Cage’s equally-crazy son Weston Cage and his wife Danielle became the parents to a baby boy they named Lucian Augustus Coppola Cage. A rep for Weston (so, basically Weston?) told Us Weekly that the baby was born at 3:14pm, that he’s named after Nic’s dad August Cage, and that he came out wearing smudged black eyeliner and giving the sign of the horns. I might have made that last part up, but until I see photographic evidence that it didn’t, I’m choosing to believe newborn Lucian Cage moshed out of Danielle’s uterus to Lamb of God. Prove he didn’t, Weston Cage!

And I can’t wait for 10 years from now when Nicolas Cage is a little older and very much crazier, and he decides to re-create the “Me and Julio” scene from The Royal Tenenbaums. But instead of go-karts and shoplifting chocolate milk, he’ll be teaching little Luci how to put a rattlesnake in a sleeper hold and where to find the best peyote.

Weston Cage Is Going To Be Somebody’s Father

Alternate title: Nicolas Cage is going to be somebody’s grandpa.

At the Kasem Cares Foundation’s First Annual Fundraiser in Beverly Hills on Saturday night, Weston Cage’s second wife Danielle showed up with a whole lot of fetus in her body and they both let Closer Weekly know that in just a few months a newborn boy is going to open his eyes and see that his father looks like the lowest-rated Khal Drogo impersonator on Yelp. The newborn boy will close his little eyelids hoping that it’s all just a nightmare and when he opens them again, he’ll see the face of his pepaw Nicolas Cage who will probably scream, “NOT THE DROOLZ,” every time he gets the slobbers.

Danielle said that they’re having a boy and they didn’t plan on becoming parents, but they embrace all of it. 23-year-old Weston dribbled this out about his dad’s reaction.

“He was ecstatic. His reaction was one of pure joy and bliss. Family is very important to us. My father and I actually speak everyday and Danielle and I texted him the ultrasound photograph which was actually confirmation of what we thought.”

Nicolas Cage is filled all the way to the top with the crazies, but being his grandchild might be fun for a quick second since he owns a castle (or did the bank snatch that shit away too?) and most of his houses probably look like the Medieval section of the SkyMall catalog took a wet, messy shit on a Medieval Times. And even though Weston Cage got arrested for allegedly drunkenly brawling with his first wife two years ago, buys all of his clothes in the sale section of a Hot Topic, wears more Urban Decay make-up than a 10th grader circa 1999 and can’t even win a fight against his babysitter, maybe being his son won’t be that awful (yes, it will be). Maybe being surrounded by all that fuckery and craziness will make that kid normal. He’s totally going to be the Marilyn of the family.

I don’t know why Danielle and Weston didn’t expect for her to get knocked up after they bareback fucked. I mean, Weston can serve up some hot karate kicking moves, so of course his jizz fish are going to karate kick into any ovary egg they come in contact with.

Pics: Splash