Category: We’re All Old

Remember Latarian Milton?

June 4, 2015 / Posted by:

If you’re squinting at that name while saying, “Doesn’t ring a bell” (aka the same thing North West thinks to herself when her weekday nanny asks her if she misses Kim), then you’re probably not an abuelo of the internet like some of our old asses around here.

Latarian Milton drove into the heart of the internet a million years ago (7 to be exact) when he was just 7 years old and stole his grandma’s SUV to take it for a joy ride around Palm Beach Gardens, FL. Dude was obviously Lindsay Lohan’s driving instructor, because he hit two mailboxes, two parked cars and two moving cars during his short ride. Latarian became an overnight internet star, because when he was interviewed by the news, he made it clear that he subscribes to Florida’s motto: We Just Don’t Give A Fuck!

When asked why he did it, he said, “I wanted to do it, because it’s fun. It’s fun to do bad things like drive into a car.” He was also asked if he knew he could possibly kill someone, “Yes, but I wanted to do hood rat stuff with my friends.”

Latarian took Hollywood by STORM after that and by that I mean he was on Tosh.0, was almost on Judge Judy and The Boondocks did an episode about him. Latarian continued with that hood rat stuff way of life by getting into trouble for beating his grandma at a Walmart over some chicken wings two months after his joy ride. Latarian became abuelita enemy #1, but then he sort of disappeared after that. I still quote him today, because he’s one of my favorite poets along with God Warrior.

Well, we FINALLY have a Latarian Milton update. WESH Orlando says that Latarian has officially retired from doing bad things and he’s now a 14-year-old who just graduated from middle school. Latarian still lives with his grandma who said that she straightened him out and she may or may not have used the chancleta to do so. Latarian is going to play football in high school and he hopes to play football in college too. If he plays football the same way he drives, he’ll knock them all down.

This is what Latarian looked like on graduation day:

If you look at that certificate closely, you will see the words: “Latarian Milton Is 14 Years Old. You’re All Older Than Dust.” If you looked closely and still didn’t see those words, put your bifocals on, you old bitch.

(Thanks Alyssa)

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Things That Make Me Feel Old: Dlisted Turns 10 Today!

January 23, 2015 / Posted by:

Ten years ago today, I was still in my 20s, I was living in NYC, my dog didn’t have any grey hair yet, my bloated gut wasn’t as bloated, Brit Brit was married to KFed, Martha Stewart was in the clink, we were sort of a Kim Kartrashian-free world and I started this mess of a blog that is now called Dlisted. Dlisted started out as The D-list and I named it that, because in my mind I was only going to write about has-beens. That idea was flushed down the toilet almost immediately. Back then, I read a lot of Pink Is The New Blog, Page Six Six Six (now PerezHilton.com) and Whatevs.org, and they all inspired me to throw up my own crap on the Internet. I blogged mostly to kill time and I didn’t think that anybody but maybe my friends would read the dumb crap I posted.

I started “The D-list” on Blogger and I had to change the name when I moved to a different platform about a year later, because TheDList.com was taken (and 10 years later, those whores are still sitting on it). When I moved off of Blogger, I couldn’t move my posts over for whatever reason. The old Blogger site is still up and it’s like an abandoned fairground of fuckery covered with broken glass, dirty condoms, overused exclamation points and shattered crack pipes. I read many of my first posts last night and today my face is about as wrinkly as a Shar Pei’s asshole skin from cringing so much. But then again, I cringe when I read stuff I wrote yesterday. If you think I’m being melodramatic as usual and exaggerating about my earlier posts, here’s one of the very, very first things I blogged:

secondpostdlisted

That’s it. Johnny Carson died and my fingers farted up less than 20 words with zero information and a random note about how Courtney Love was in my 2005 death pool. Well, ten years later, Courtney Love, Dlisted and I are still alive!

It’s very, very weird to me that I still get to pull myself out of bed, put on cut-off sweat shorts and type shit about famous messes. It’s even more weird to me that people still read it. And I get to do that because of you hos. Don’t worry, I’m not going to start reciting the lyrics to Bette Midler songs or anything. But I do want to send a thank you balloon bouquet to everyone who has clicked on Dlisted, left a comment, reads this crap and has sent me e-mails, both nice and cunty. I am forever grateful that you choose to waste your time and brain cells on Dlisted. I also want to thank (“What is this? The fucking People’s Choice Awards?” – you) past and current contributors Lahoma, Sweetas, Jack-N-The-Hat, J. Harvey, Megan and my partner in foolery Allison for writing words for Dlisted.

And now that Dlisted is 10 years old, maybe it’ll finally hit puberty and grow the hell up. Not a chance.

Pic: Wenn.com

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