The Sunday Express has never lied to us (and by that I mean that the one time I posted a story from The Sunday Express, it turned out to be filled with LIES), so I don’t know what to believe anymore. They said months ago that Prince Hot Ginge’s full-time piece Meghan Markle had met up with Prince William and Duchess Kate and they both liked her. But now UsWeekly and The Sun are saying that Future Princess Meghan barely met Duchess Kate for the very first time last Tuesday. WHO TO BELIEVE? I won’t believe that Duchess Kate and Meghan Markle met for real until I see paparazzi pictures of Kate seeing if Meghan is ready for the job of a professional British royal by analyzing her hand-waving skills.
When it was first announced early last year that Joseph Fiennes was going to play Michael Jackson in some British TV thing about the rumored magical road trip that MJ, Elizabeth Taylor and Marlon Brando went on after the 9/11 attacks, there was outrage over a white actor doing blackface, err whiterface, to play MJ. But Sky Arts went through with the fuckery anyway and the result gave us the retina-burning sight of Joseph Fiennes looking like a melting white chocolate Kinder egg in a $1.99 wig.
A quick minute after Sky Arts released the trailer for Urban Myths, Michael Jackson’s daughter Paris Jackson said on Twitter that it grossed her out and left her highly offended. The outrage from Michael Jackson’s family was enough for Sky Arts to torch that episode of Urban Myths along with that prosthetic mask Joseph Fiennes wore.
If you’re ever looking for a drinking game to play by yourself, just turn on HGTV and do a shot every time one of the designers says, “I’m thinking that we should do the lower kitchen cabinets in navy….” You’ll be three navy sheets to the wind in no damn time.
Last month, we all learned that the Flip or Flop couple’s travertine kingdom of love had crumbled into a billion pieces months ago and that they were pretending like everything’s okay in front of the cameras. Since then, those of us who care learned that Christina El Moussa is dating her friend and contractor Gary Anderson and Tarek El Moussa wet humped on the nanny for a minute. It seems like the two house flipping Orange County mannequins are done forever and that their marriage has been declared a tear down, because Tarek has filed for divorce.
And in a PLOT TWIST that may shock everyone who thought that the Kartrashian jewelry heist was a staged scheme for attention and insurance purposes, the people that were arrested didn’t include Kim Kartrashian herself, Kanye West, Pimp Mama Kris and producers from E! for falsifying a crime for ratings. So we’re not going to get the image of little Ryan Seacrest kicking and screaming as French police put him into Just My Size™ handcuffs.
Well, well, well, it looks like Ben Affleck may be auditioning new pap stroll partners. The Daily Mail posted EXCLUSIVO pictures of a thrilled-looking Ben hanging with a ~*~mysterious~*~ lady friend, who is sort of giving me “rested Kellyanne Conway with a splash of Amy Poehler.”
Ben and his mystery date (Side note: My favorite Mystery Date is Tyler.) had lunch yesterday at Sugarfish in Beverly Hills before going to a bookstore together. You know what the millennials say: a picture is worth a thousand emojis. And this one’s nothing but sad face emojis (for Ben) and happy face emojis (for mystery blonde).
They look like a sad 7-year-old who was pulled out of bed and dragged to the first day of second grade by his stay-at-home mom who can’t wait to spend the morning drinking white wine while watching Judge Judy. They also look like a grumpy grandpa whose being forced to go to his doctor’s appointment by a cheery caretaker who keeps telling him that they’ve got lollipops there.
Mystery blonde is me on Friday and Ben is me on Monday. Mystery blonde is me while bringing up Grindr on my phone and Ben is me after not getting one response.
— Daily Mail Celebrity (@DailyMailCeleb) January 6, 2017
Ben always looks miserable, so if you told me it was a date, I’d say okay, and if you told me it was a business thing, I’d say okay. But based on her facial expressions, I’d say it’s either a business situation or she’s a life coach or some sorts. I mean, she looks way too happy for a woman whose hanging out with Ben Affleck for free.
UPDATE: Page Six has ID’d the mystery blonde as Elizabeth Weaver, a detox nurse/sober companion who owns a concierge nursing business. So yeah, I’d look miserable in the face too if the paps were taking pics of me and my cheery detox nurse.
Angelina Jolie has finally agreed to keep the public from seeing legal documents about her six children. Brad Pitt’s side has been trying to get documents in their wreck of a custody fight sealed ever since Angie’s side filed their temporary custody agreement, making it public. We all learned that Brad has to get randomly drug tested four times a month and that all his visits with his kids are being monitored by a therapist. Brad’s side said that Angie’s side is playing a dirty game and is hurting their children by exposing all their messy shit. In her filing yesterday, Angie’s lawyer, THE QUEEN of celebrity divorces Laura Wasser, dropped a dramatic dingle that’ll make Mulder and Scully jump on a plane headed to Los Angeles. Because the truth is out there and Brad is trying to cover it up!