Angelina Jolie has finally agreed to keep the public from seeing legal documents about her six children. Brad Pitt’s side has been trying to get documents in their wreck of a custody fight sealed ever since Angie’s side filed their temporary custody agreement, making it public. We all learned that Brad has to get randomly drug tested four times a month and that all his visits with his kids are being monitored by a therapist. Brad’s side said that Angie’s side is playing a dirty game and is hurting their children by exposing all their messy shit. In her filing yesterday, Angie’s lawyer, THE QUEEN of celebrity divorces Laura Wasser, dropped a dramatic dingle that’ll make Mulder and Scully jump on a plane headed to Los Angeles. Because the truth is out there and Brad is trying to cover it up!
After Mariah Carey perfectly ended 2016 with a rhinestone-embedded and Spanx-wrap train wreck in Times Square, the camera cut to that shady little Ghoulie Ryan Seacrest saying, “No matter what Mariah does, the crowd absolutely loves it.” I did give that shifty Bronzer-dipped toad points for throwing that tiny bit of shade. But after I gave him points, I wondered if the black sheep of the Keebler Elves snuck into the sound truck and used his little evil elf fingers to turn off the sound in Mimi’s earpiece. I mean, Ryan is partly responsible for unleashing the Kartrashians on us, so he knows all about how to pull shameless stunts for attention. Mimi and her people apparently think the same thing. They’re screaming SABOTAGE!
Joss Whedon totally fucked up. Now Goopy Paltrow really won’t send him a holiday gift basket including a Baccarat crystal vessel filled with air from Jesus’ actual birth place, a gift certificate for a peppermint-scented vagina steaming session, a $120 tube of toothpaste and $600 night cream made from the sperm of a virgin snow white reindeer (it gets rid of the wrinkles that grow on your face from you having to clean and cook yourself on December 26th since you were gracious enough to send your servants home for Boxing Day). Big mistake, Joss!
As Pajiba points out, Goopy Paltrow was not in the second Avengers movie. And at a press conference to promote the first Avengers movie, Joss Whedon told reporters that Robert Downey Jr. had to convince him to put Goopy in it. Joss also pushed hard for Hillary Clinton during the elections, and after Donald Trump won, Goopy mouth farted about how it’s such an exciting time to be an American. That bring us to two days ago when Joss tweeted a picture of Goopy’s latest cookbook It’s All Easy (long title: It’s All Easy When You Have Millions Of Dollars, A Staff Of Twelve, Mario Batali’s Private Number And A Totally Organic Garden Tended To By A Family Of Fourth-Generation Amish Farmers Who Live Out Back). Joss doesn’t know where to start with this book.
S T A R T pic.twitter.com/pjQoxBfEOG
— Joss Whedon (@joss) December 19, 2016
Grown gazillionaires are just like us! They try to start fights on Twitter when they’re bored.
Because I’d love a last-minute entry into the Most Random Celebrity Feud Of The Year contest, I hope that Goopy responds by telling Joss that to think, she was going to send him a locally-sourced organic corn husk man wig to cover up his bald spot. I mean, a locally-sourced organic corn husk wig is what’s on her head in that picture, right?
“It means that they’re probably still fucking, you dumb bitch,” said anybody with at least half-a-working brain cell, including Dramatic Chipmunk’s cracked-out squirrel cousin who’s in the middle of them.
A year ago, a tiny ESCANDALO was born when Diane Kruger was spotted by a source making out and straddling Norman Reedus at a bar in NYC. Diane was still with Joshua Jackson at the time. Other sources said at the time that the story was made of lies, because Diane’s tongue wasn’t anywhere near Norman’s tongue and they were at the bar with the director who directed them in the movie Sky.
Diane could’ve said that she was just helping out her man’s show The Affair by doing a little guerrilla marketing for it. Or she could’ve said that she wasn’t humping on Norman. She was doing the Heimlich maneuver on a greasy homeless drifter who choked on a piece of the sandwich she gave him outside of the bar. It’s an easy mistake to make. But neither Diane or Norman said anything. Diane and Norman later awkwardly posed together at a screening for their movie, and they were both at Rosetta Getty’s July 4th party in Tuscany. Two weeks after that party, Diane and Joshua announced that they were done after 10 years. And here we are…
Kanye West wasn’t the only PR prop who was paraded in front of reporters at Trump Tower yesterday. Anna Wintour, whose magazine Vogue endorsed Hillary Clinton and who helped HRC choose some of those pantsuits, also paid a visit to the gold tower to kiss the ring. If you didn’t think we were doomed before, then you must think that now since it looks like Donald Trump is using the dark powers of the Illuminati and the Death Eaters to take control over America, and then the world! Kunty Karl is probably sitting in the waiting room at Trump Tower as I type this….
Saints don’t go caca, so when I said “shit,” I meant the details of their never-ending custody battle.
Brad Pitt’s legal team tried and failed to get a judge to seal all documents related to his custody war with Angelina Jolie. Brad wanted all documents sealed after everyone found out that he has to get drug tested 4 times a month and that his visits with the child army are monitored by a therapist. Those details came out after Angie’s side filed their temporary custody agreement with the court, which made it public. Angie’s side did that because Brad was going to ask the court for more non-therapeutic visits with the kids.
The Daily Mail has more on this, including the part where Brad’s lawyer basically said that the dirty game that diabolical Angie is playing is going to hurt the kids. By the way, that picture above is of Angie making her diabolical saint face.