All week, the Beyhive has been on HIGH ALERT as they wait to hear the news that their King, Beyonce, has gifted the world with the real-life Gemini Twins. There’s been rumors that Beyonce was getting ready to give birth, was in the middle of giving birth and has already given birth. I’m not sure if I believe the rumors that Beyonce and Jay Z’s twins are already here, because I don’t remember seeing Jesus float down from heaven while holding two diaper bouquets to give to his twin successors.
Last month, every greeting card store in the world gathered up their supply of cards about love and began shredding them all. Because after hearing that the true love union between 19-year-old Bella Thorne and 34-year-old Scott Disick didn’t last, they couldn’t continue to push something that doesn’t exist. A quick second after Bella and Scott began bumping genitals, they went off to Cannes together. But HorSick was over as quick as they began and Bella ditched Scott in Cannes and flew back home. Sources (read: my imagination) tell me that when Bella tried to get back into the States, customs officials immediately shuffled her off to a CDC quarantine tent where she spent several days soaking in a hot ammonia and antibiotics bath. Once she was given the clear, Bella talked to Complex about the love of our time that never was.
One-time Fox News sweetheart Megyn Kelly made her debut on NBC News a little over a week ago with a Vladimir Putin interview, and it was supposed to be a real fucking get, or something, but it left some people screaming at her to take a long course at Howard Stern’s Night School Of How To Really Interview A Bitch, because she didn’t get anything out of him. Megyn is getting shit again and this time it’s for an interview that hasn’t even aired yet. On Sunday night, NBC will barf up an interview that Megyn did with conspiracy theorist and “performance artist” Alex Jones, who thinks the Sandy Hook Elementary massacre was a staged government hoax involving actors. Because Megyn gave a platform to a tinfoil hat-wearing ass nugget, she’s been dropped as host of a Sandy Hook benefit and her Sunday night show has lost a sponsor.
Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers hasn’t talked to his family in a while and they said it’s because he’s gone Hollywood. They also didn’t like his then-piece Olivia Munn. So when Aaron and Olivia
didn’t renew their contract broke up, I figured that a scene like the end of Beauty and the Beast would play out. You know, the dark skies would clear up, Aaron would magically appear in a chair at his family’s dinner table and “We Are A Family” would start blaring. UsWeekly says that hasn’t happened.
If I insist on bringing you yet another story about Bill Maher, then I should at least give your eyes something adorable like a puppy friend. Specifically, a puppy friend who is wondering what she did wrong in life to deserve being seen in public with the insufferable turnip.
Over the weekend, Kathy Griffin probably sent Bill Maher a bloody Trump mask full of thank you flowers, because the headlines about her stunt and messy press conference got replaced with headlines about him dropping the n-word during a live taping of his show Real Time on HBO. Bill later burped up an apology, saying that he regret saying the word and it kept him up all night. HBO also said that what came out of Bill’s smug hole was inexcusable and tasteless. But while Kathy is finding herself out of several jobs, Bill Maher is keeping his for now.
Thanks To That Bloody Trump Mask Pic, The Dynamic New Year’s Eve Duo Of Kathy Griffin And Anderson Cooper Is No More
It hasn’t even been 24 hours since Kathy Griffin caused everyone to lose their heads (I see you eye-rolling at my very original pun) over her holding a repurposed Michael Myers mask covered with grenadine syrup in the name of art, and she’s already on her way to joining Billy Bush in the section marked: Tricks Who Get Punished As An Untouched Trump Gleefully Coqueefs Along.
Kathy ended up apologizing for the stunt and said that she knows she fucked up. But it wasn’t enough. Kathy lost an extremely lucrative deal to continue to hawk the shit-aiding toilet ottoman known as Squatty Potty. (You know you really shit the bed when a poop tool product doesn’t even want to be associated with you.) And now CNN has dropped Kathy as co-host of their New Year’s Eve special.