Eyelash mogul/model/video ho/plastic surgery wonder Blac Chyna dragged 17-year-old Kylie Jenner by the chalupa lips the other day when she Instagrammed a picture of her wearing rubber lips the size of a rhino’s butt labia. Blac Chyna wasn’t done having a little Instagram fun and last night she threw up text messages that the father of her son King Cairo allegedly sent her. Blac Chyna wants everyone to know that while Tyga is waiting for his little girlfriend to finish having fun at a McDonald’s Playplace, he’s begging her to spend time with him and be one big happy, messy family. Blac Chyna exposed Tyga (or “Kings Father” as she calls his ass) with these screen shots:
Tyga didn’t call Blac Chyna out by name, but responded by tweeting: “Give it up.Get over it. Live Your Life. I ain’t here for the tea. Focus on what’s real in life. And surround yourself with people that you really care about.its simple.”
Really, fighting over Tyga? Does his dick cum Juvéderm or something? Just like when my dad would tell me that he’s going to visit me over the weekend, I’ve been throwing a suspicious squint at this silicone love triangle since the beginning. You can’t trust anything a Kardashian (even a Kardashian-adjacent like Kylie Jenner) does. I bet they’re all in on it together and Pimp Mama Kris has been pulling all of their strings. PMK probably wrote, produced and directed this stunt. And tonight, she’ll try to yank all the attention away from Bruce Jenner’s big interview with Diane Sawyer by live streaming a three-way wedding between Blac Chyna, Tyga and Wite Chyna (aka Kylie) in Las Vegas. I’m on to all of them!
And here’s Kylie, PMK (brace yourself for the sight of PMK in hooker boots), Khlozilla and those other ones leaving some restaurant last night.
Since Tidal was backed by a thousand egos, it was supposed to be a powerful tsunami that will eventually take Spotify out. But well, so far it has turned to be as powerful as a dripping bathroom faucet. (That was a bad example, because dripping bathroom faucets are pretty powerful. They have been known to drive people to MURDER.)
The Los Angeles Times says that Tidal has already dropped out of iTunes Top 700 apps after only a few weeks. Its arch rival Spotify is #12. (Side note: MyIdol, that highly addictive Chinese app that lets you turn yourself into a cartoon stripper, is at #20.) Tidal has also dropped its CEO and pink-slipped 25 employees. Bitches are so hard up that Jay-Z and Jack White are personally calling Tidal subscribers. They are thisclose to working the stroll and stopping cars to tell the driver, “I’ll suck yer dick if you subscribe to Tidal, honey.”
Even Jay-Z and Beyonce’s bottom bitch Kanye West slowly moved away from Tidal for a second. Kanye wiped his Twitter page clean of any mention of Tidal. But I guess Beyonce called Kanye up and let him know that she’s not going to let him brush her weave and guzzle down her dirty bathwater if he doesn’t fix it, Yeezus. So yesterday afternoon, he suckled on the tip of Tidal’s dick by tweeting about it. On top of all of that, New York Magazine says that Tidal’s slow death is giving Spotify life!
In the middle of all that bad press for Tidal, someone named DJ Skee of Skee TV (via Uproxx) popped up to say that the joint album that Beyonce and Jay-Z have been working on will premiere on Tidal. This is about as surprising as a Grindr trick saying to me, “Errr, I gotta go. I just remembered that I have diarrhea,” after seeing me in person for the first time when I open the door. DJ Skee put the shocking news like this:
“I first reported last year that Jay Z and Beyonce were working on a joint album, which by the way is finally nearing completion. And now my sources are saying it will be released exclusively on Tidal.”
I’ve seen some people putting on their tap shoes to dance on the almost dead corpse of Tidal and that’s just plain cunty. I mean, if Tidal flops, how will Jay-Z, Kanye, Beyonce, Madonna and all those other multi-multi millionaires get more millions? They’ll probably have to downgrade their Gulfstream to an embarrassing Learjet (aka the private jets of the poors). Goopy Paltrow is totally going to laugh at them as she boards her giant solid gold jet. Poor things. Pray for them.
But seriously, Beyonce and Jay-Z’s joint album will definitely be a major traffic getter for Tidal…for about 3 seconds before a wave carries it to services people actually use.
Yes, that is their “shocked” face. It’s also their “happy” face, their “sad” face, their “scared” face and their “I’m about to turn into black smoke and float up into your head through your nostrils so I can invade your dreams at night” face.
When Fuller House starring KIMMY GIBBLER, DJ Tanner and Stephanie Tanner was officially announced by Netflix on Monday night, the press release said that John Stamos was definitely going to guest star and producers were currently in talks with Bob Saget, Dave Coulier, Lori Loughlin and the Olsens about guest starring. Well, Netflix may have been lying when they said they were “currently in discussions with the Olsens” and Danny Tanner really needs to sit them down and have a serious talk with them about the dangers of lie-telling. Because Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen claim that they found out about Fuller House the same day as everyone else and nobody from the cast has talked to them about it. WWD asked them if they were doing Fuller House and they said they’re going to get Bob Saget’s advice first.
“We just found out about it today,” said Mary-Kate, during an interview late Tuesday. “I guess we’re going to talk to the creators and see what’s happening.”
The sisters said they had no knowledge of the series prior to Stamos spilling the news to Kimmel. “I ran into Bob [Saget] the other day and we didn’t even talk about it,” said Ashley. “I’m shocked I haven’t heard from John [Stamos],” said Mary-Kate. They didn’t rule out participation, but they might check in with their former TV dad first. “I’m going to call [Saget] and get his perspective,” said Ashley.
Lori Loughlin said that she wants to come back, but she, Dave Coulier and Bob Saget don’t have deals yet.
Yes, the Olsens both look like possessed lemurs, but they look like two totally different possessed lemurs. They don’t really look exactly the same anymore, so the producers will have to create a whole new role if they’re both going to be in it. My suggestion is: In the last episode of Fuller House we find out that Michelle Tanner really did have a twin, but the family couldn’t take care of another baby so they gave her to some old lady they met in the woods. Decades later, Michelle Tanner finds out about her long-lost twin and finds her living with a Satanic cult in the forest. They bond and make a plan to get revenge on the Tanner family for tearing them apart. They go back to the house and as they’re in the middle of a Satanic ritual (where they use Mr. Bear as a sacrifice) in the living room, Stephane Tanner runs downstairs and says “How rude!” before the entire place bursts into flames and burns down to the ground. The end. The Olsens don’t even need to spend any time in hair, make-up or wardrobe. They can shoot their scenes in their regular clothes. It’s a win/win for everyone!
Or maybe she isn’t dragging the littlest Jenner. Maybe she’s paying homage to the stunningly gorgeous Snickers lady.
By now you’ve probably already shook your head over a piece of our future going Leprechaun 3 on their lips by doing the #KyleJennerChallenge. Teens are taking a shot glass or a small glass , putting it over their mouth and sucking it until their lips get engorged with blood and they look like a bootleg Amanda Lepore on a bad day. Apparently, some of these kids have fucked up their lips so much that they have to go to the hospital. See, this is why I am not the parent of a teen. If I had to stop watching my stories and put down the bottle, because I had to take my teen to the ER and pay a co-pay after they murdered their lips by doing the #KylieJennerChallenge, I’d be pissed. I’d try to shrivel those slug lips by sprinkling salt on them and if that didn’t work, I’d drive them to the bus station, give them $40, tell them to go to New York to work as a Big Ang impersonator and wish them a nice life. Screw that shit. And this may or may not be coming from someone who nearly burned his scalp while trying to bleach his hair with Clorox when he was 13. But I digress…
Everyone can stop searching the silver bracelet section of every Santa Fe gift shop and stop peeking through the scarf rack at Loehmann’s with a flashlight, because Johnny Depp has turned up!
Just a quick minute after the press in Australia declared Johnny Depp missing and Page Six said that his marriage to Amber Heard was in a freezer at the morgue, he and his wedded piece turned up the smiles during a happy couple photo-op show for the paps in Brisbane today. Johnny is back in Australia to finish shooting Pirates of the Caribbean VVVIIII: A Check Is A Check, Arrr after he took some time out to let his jacked-up hand heal. Sources said that Johnny was supposed to be back in Australia last Thursday, but he didn’t show up and although the crew members didn’t miss his hair lard splattering against their faces when it got windy, they were pissed at him for holding up production. But he’s baaaaaaaack!
As Johnny thought to himself “For where am I?” Amber acted like she was Anita Ekberg in La Dolce Goddamn Vita by giving it to the paps after they got off a private jet. I don’t know why, but these pictures gave me shades of “Anna Nicole and J. Howard Marshall at Christmastimes.” But seriously, the haters can slather a thick layer of Johnny Depp’s pit foam on their hate and eat it. Because they are together and happier than ever. Can’t you tell? Johnny Depp is alive and well…he’s alive, and their marriage is alive and well!
And I’m sure right after these two strolled into the airport, Amber let go of his arm and got into a trunk which her assistant pushed past the paps and onto that private jet headed back to the US.
The pause button was pressed on shooting for the ten millionth Pirates of the Caribbean movie in Australia after Johnny Depp jacked up his hand and needed surgery in the US. Johnny was supposed to be back in Australia on Thursday and filming was supposed to start up again today, but when today rolled around, the crew members expected the musky scent of dick fromage, kitchen grease and tonsil stones to waft up into their nostrils and that didn’t happen. Because apparently, Johnny Depp was a no-show and he never got on a plane to Australia. A “production source” tells the Sydney Confidential that Johnny is still in the US and crew members are cursing his name because they were sent home without pay when he failed to show his face on set.
“Everyone’s hoping they have managed to get him on another flight. But he still hadn’t hopped on a plane on Friday morning, which means production will already be running behind when principal photography starts again. Even if he managed to fly out over the weekend, the delay has forced the directors to change their shot lists for the week. They’ve had to rearrange what they can and can’t shoot before filming starts again. It’s quite unprofessional of Johnny to leave everyone waiting and wondering what’s happening.”
But Johnny Depp’s spokeswhore has pulled down his panties and shit all over that story. Johnny’s rep says that he didn’t pull a Lindsay Lohan on the crew, because he isn’t scheduled to be shooting right now. The rep said that there’s no need to put Johnny’s face on a milk carton or issue an Amber Alert on his ass, because he’s still in the US recovering. Although, his rep wouldn’t say when he’s supposed to go back to Queensland.
“But Michael, why did you post a picture of Bobby Flay with his daughter?” – you, probably
When it was announced that Bobby Flay’s marriage to Stephanie March from Law & Order: SVU has turned to roadkill, “sources” said that his forever wandering dick is what ruined their relationship forever. Bobby denied it, but now Page Six is saying that his wandering dick is what ruined his marriage and specifically, his dick wandering into his assistant over and over again is what ruined his marriage. Stephanie March’s friend actress/writer Maia Madison says that 50-year-old Bobby had a three-year-long affair with his assistant 28-year-old Elyse Tirrell (seen with him above). All together now: I didn’t know Bobby’s assistant was the guidance counselor from Glee!
Sadly, it looks like you will never get the chance to see Goopy Paltrow at Safeway asking an employee, “Pardonne-moi, where are your organic courgettes?” Because she is done with buying struggle limes and is back to buying rare Australian finger limes.
Last week, Goopy Paltrow tweeted that she had come down from her Tahitian pearl-encrusted crystal tower to find out what it’s like to eat like a poor person for a week. Goopy took the Food Stamps Challenge and agreed to eat only $29 worth of groceries, which is what a person on SNAP gets. Goopy tweeted a picture of a bunch of vegetables, which would make a fairly big bowl of guacamole, which would last most of us about a day.
Goopy did it to raise awareness about how crazy little food money people on benefits get, but last night, People said that she may have said “fuck it” to the challenge to eat the food of her people: richie food. On Tuesday night, Goopy and her dude Brad Falchuk went to a restaurant in L.A. called Animal. It’s called Animal because they serve every damn animal there.
The actress, 42, and the Glee co-creator, 44, dined at the L.A. restaurant Animal, which featured a barbecue-themed menu on Tuesday of pig ears, veal tongue and fried rabbit legs.
“They were sitting together, very cozy and romantic,” says the observer at the eatery. “He was totally rapt by everything she was saying. They were totally on a date.”
Goopie Paltrownette was overhead saying, “Let them eat veal tongue!”
Page Six says that Goopy also went to some fancy dinner for Posh Beckham that same night. But Goopy’s spokeswhore says that she didn’t quit the challenge, because she already did it last week, you GOOP-hating peasants!
“She already finished the challenge last week but only got around to posting the photo of the groceries on [Thursday].”
If Goopy does the SNAP challenge and she doesn’t shit up post after post on GOOP about how to make caviar and blinis out of tapioca balls, canned tuna water and Jiffy, did she really take the SNAP challenge at all?
But what really surprises me is that Goopy didn’t immediately do a 3-week long kumquat seed and hummingbird tears cleanse after doing the SNAP challenge, because you’d think she’d want to clean her insides of all of that non-organic guacamole.
UPDATE: Goopy Paltrow admitted on GOOP that she cheated by eating chicken (read: a hormone-free duck breast covered with bits of deep fried dolphin tongue) and black licorice (That’s what she fucking cheats with?! She is so GOOP) and then she went Norma Rae again:
As I suspected, we only made it through about four days, when I personally broke and had some chicken and fresh vegetables (and in full transparency, half a bag of black licorice). My perspective has been forever altered by how difficult it was to eat wholesome, nutritious food on that budget, even for just a few days—a challenge that 47 million Americans face every day, week, and year. A few takeaways from the week were that vegetarian staples liked dried beans and rice go a long way—and we were able to come up with a few recipes on a super tight budget.
After trying to complete this challenge (I would give myself a C-), I am even more outraged that there is still not equal pay in the workplace. Sorry to go on a tangent, but many hardworking mothers are being asked to do the impossible: Feed their families on a budget which can only support food businesses that provide low-quality food. The food system in our beautiful country needs to be subjected to a heavy revision—it is a cyclical problem, with repercussions that we all feel. I’m not suggesting everyone eat organic food from some high horse in the sky. I’m saying everyone should be able to afford fresh, real food. And if women were paid an equal wage, families might have more of a choice in the grocery aisles, not to mention in the rest of their lives.
C-?! When it comes to being poor, bitch gets an F-.
Last month, Suki Waterhouse and Bradley Cooper’s publicists did the slow wall slide of sadness when contract renegotiations broke down and the two went their separate ways. Apparently, Suki and B. Coop broke up, because their age difference became a problem and he didn’t feel like she was supporting his career. In Suki’s defense, she’s a fetus, so of course B. Coop’s career gave her the yawns. If he wanted her to care about his career, he’d do projects that would interest her like a puppet show or like a guest voice appearance on SpongeBob. It’s not her fault she’s not entertained by his boring grown people movies. So Suki and B. Coop quit each other, but well, never underestimate the power of a determined publicist who does not want to spend their time finding their client a new contract girlfriend. Because B. Coop and his fetus friend are back together!
Page Six says B.Coop and Suki went to Coochella together where they “got cozy” in front of wiener stand and touched tongues backstage.
A witness told us they saw Cooper and Waterhouse “making out at Coachella backstage during [rock band] Interpol’s set.” They were also seen looking cozy together while lining up for food, and reportedly dined together in Los Angeles on Thursday before heading to Coachella.
B. Coop truly had the greatest weekend ever. He got his photo-op partner back AND he finally won an award for American Sniper. B. Coop won Best Male Performance at the MTV Movie Awards last night. Yeah, he probably won that award, because he’s the only one who agreed to show up, but who cares. Let’s just pretend he was rightfully recognized for his achievement in acting with fake babies and working the hell out of shorty shorts.
Here’s more crystal clear, Hi-Res pictures of B. Coop and Suki hanging out with Clint Eastwood at Coachella. Either Clint Eastwood has officially lost his mind or he was dragged to that dusty hipster hell fest by an evil motherfucker who should really be charged with elder abuse. I don’t know what’s more confusing: Clint Eastwood being at Coachella or the teeny tiny struggle bun on B. Coop’s head.
Most of us go through that phase where are parents are kind of dorky and geeky no matter who they are. I mean, if Joan Collins was my mother, I probably wouldn’t like Dynasty and I wouldn’t think she’s that glamorous. What am I saying? That is a one hundred percent lie and I should punch my fingers for even typing those words. I’d still worship her and would probably purposefully piss her off just so she could slap me down Alexis-style.
But the 22-year-old spawn of Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love doesn’t feel that way about Nirvana. While talking to David Fricke of Rolling Stone (which she used to intern for) about Montage of Heck, the HBO documentary about the life of Kurt Cobain, Frances Bean Cobain said that grunge doesn’t really do it for her ears and so she’s not really a Nirvana fan. Frances named a few bands she’s into and no, she didn’t make Kurt Cobain’s ashes turn to stone by saying she likes One Direction or some shit.
“I don’t really like Nirvana that much [grins]. Sorry, promotional people, Universal. I’m more into Mercury Rev, Oasis, Brian Jonestown Massacre [laughs]. The grunge scene is not what I’m interested in. But “Territorial Pissings” [on Nevermind] is a fucking great song. And “Dumb” [on In Utero] – I cry every time I hear that song. It’s a stripped-down version of Kurt’s perception of himself – of himself on drugs, off drugs, feeling inadequate to be titled the voice of a generation.”
David Fricke asked Frances Bean if she felt awkward during her teenage years because she wasn’t really into her dad’s music and she said she would’ve felt awkward if she did have Nirvana posters on her wall.
No. I would have felt more awkward if I’d been a fan. I was around 15 when I realized he was inescapable. Even if I was in a car and had the radio on, there’s my dad. He’s larger than life. and our culture is obsessed with dead musicians. We love to put them on a pedestal. If Kurt had just been another guy who abandoned his family in the most awful way possible . . . But he wasn’t. He inspired people to put him on a pedestal, to become St. Kurt. He became even bigger after he died than he was when he was alive. You don’t think it could have gotten any bigger. But it did.
Makes complete sense to me, but back to Oasis… Now Frances Bean has gone and done it! Liam Gallagher’s swollen, pus-filled, throbbing ego is already the size of Cisco Adler’s nutsack and it’s going to grow at least five hundred times its size when he finds out that Kurt Cobain’s daughter likes Oasis more than Nirvana. According to this extremely accurate (I’m sure) Yahoo! Answer, if the planet’s land was divided up equally among every living human, we’d each get around 6 acres. But since Liam Gallagher’s ego will soon take up half of the planet, we’d be lucky to get 3 acres each. Thanks, Frances Bean!