Oscar Pistorius Gets Five Years In Prison For Killing Reeva Steenkamp, But He’ll Most Likely Be Released A Lot Earlier
Seen above holding in a snot stream of sadness he planned to release for the cameras if the judge actually hit him with the maximum punishment, Oscar Pistorius was finally sentenced today for shooting his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp to death through a toilet room door. Judge Thokozile Masipa, who found him guilty of culpable homicide (which is basically manslaughter to us hos in the US) last month, sentenced him to 5 years in the clink. To put that time in perspective, it took me longer to read The Guardian’s entire article about his sentencing. Oscar faced a maximum sentence of 15 years in the chokey, but since he’s a rich, famous athlete, if that happened we’d all be flying through the universe right now, because the earth’s core would’ve exploded.
Before sentencing, prosecutors asked the judge to hit him with 10 years in jail and Oscar’s lawyers asked for community service and house arrest. Judge Masipa told the court that she believed her sentence was fair:
“A non-custodial sentence would send the wrong message to the community. On the other hand, a long sentence would also not be appropriate either, as it would lack
the element of mercy.”
Element of mercy? Oh yeah, that’s what was missing from Oscar’s brain when he shot through that door three times.
After the judge gently slapped Oscar on the wrist, Reeva’s family told the BBC that they believe justice was served and they’re ready to move on. Oscar’s uncle told reporters that his nephew “will embrace the opportunity to pay back to society.”
Just because Oscar was sentenced to 5 years in jail, doesn’t mean he’s going to be locked up for 5 years in jail. He’ll most likely be released really early for good behavior. Oscar’s lawyer thinks he’ll spend 10 months in jail before serving the rest of his sentence on house arrest in his fancy house. Prosecutors believe he’ll serve 2 years in jail. He was also given a three-year suspended sentence for a firearms charge and he must turn in all of his guns and his gun license.
The International Olympic Committee hasn’t said anything about this, but the International Paralympic Committee has banned him from competing for 5 years. His Olympic career is probably done, so now he can spend all his time on fancy house arrest writing a book titled “IF I Murdered Her.”
All together now: And you’re not in one anymore, Glenn, so you can stop dressing like you are!
In an article on The Hollywood Reporter about her return to Broadway in A Delicate Balance, Glenn Close says that up until the age of 22, she was injecting the Kool-Aid by the gallon while being part of a cult called the Moral Re-Armament. MRA was founded and ran by Rev. Frank Buchman whom THR describes as “a violently anti-intellectual and possibly homophobic evangelical fundamentalist from Pennsylvania.” Frank told his followers that only those with special guidance from God were sin-free and it was their responsibility as humans to change others. If you change the word “God” to “Angelina Jolie,” that right there would be the Brangeloonie life motto. Actually, it would be the motto of many religions.
Demi Moore Met Ashton Kutcher’s Baby At A Kabbalah Blessing, Didn’t Suck The Kid’s Soul Out With Her Eyes (Yet)
Oh, to be a fly on Rumer Willis’ chin when Demi Moore pretended to play happy with her cheating ass tampon of a husband and his perfect little family while fighting the urge to stick the spigot from her wine purse into her mouth hole and guzzle until the feelings were no longer.
I guess Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher decided to share joint custody of Kabbalah, because they’re both still Kabbalists and they recently reunited for Wyatt Isabelle Kutcher’s blessing at a temple in L.A. The second most reputable and trustworthy literary journal in Britain, The Sun (via thee most reputable and trustworthy literary journal in Britain, The Daily Mail), says that Demi and two of the Tater Sisters, Rumer and Tallulah, showed up with gifts (a really practical cashmere baby blanket and an engraved picture frame) for Baby WIK (which sounds like food stamps for Kardashians). Since Baby WIK is the new Kabbalah chosen one, it was probably a lot like when the Three Kings brought gifts to the baby Jesus. But instead of being Three Kings, Demi, Rumer and Tallulah are Three Messes who are about as wise as the bottle of gin Demi finished off in the parking lot. It was probably really awkward for Mila when her baby started getting thirsty while staring at the Three Messes with their free nipples hanging out.
Welp, now that camera has to be quarantined.
Seen above blowing a freckled air kiss at the camera (because she NEVER does that pose), Lindsay Lohan proved last night that the world is a weird, fucked-up place and just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, it throws you a drunken, raggedy, haggard curveball at you. LiLo actually made it to the opening night of Speed-The-Plow in London last night and she ALLEGEDLY performed in every performance. I say “allegedly,” because the stage manager could’ve put a dusty, 50-year-old taxidermy ginger Chinese Crested dog on stage in LiLo’s place after she didn’t show up and nobody would’ve known the difference.
The first preview of Speed-ThePlow was a train wreck for some and LiLo, a master at doing lines, didn’t know a lot of her lines. Speed-The-Plow’s opening night happened last night and critics who reviewed the show say that LiLo only missed a couple of lines. It says a lot when LiLo, whose job is to memorize her goddamn lines, has to be fed lines on opening night and everyone goes, “Aw, she only missed two lines. Gold star!”
OK! Magazine (via Showbiz Spy) says that 22-year-old German Victoria’s Secret model Teri Garr (I know that’s not her name, but every time I try to type her real name my auto-correct gene automatically corrects it to Teri Garr. I cannot deny my auto-correct gene!) is no longer sucking the face piojos and cheesy dandruff puffs out of Leonardo DiCaprio’s scraggly beard as they spoon on a yacht in the South of France while forever third wheel Lukas Haas watches from a dark corner. They say that after a year and a half of bumping nipples, Teri Garr and 39-year-old Leo are no longer together. They were last papped together in NYC on September 3rd. OK! Magazine has so many details about the split that you’ll have to read the following with a quadruple-magnified magnifying glass, because there’s details hidden in the details.
The Wolf of Wall Street actor, 39, ended his relationship with model Toni Garrn, 22, after a year and a half of dating. The couple was last spotted in New York City on Sept. 3.
The split wasn’t too much of a surprise, as Garrn attended New York Fashion Week solo, while DiCaprio partied on the West Coast. But what lead to the split?
So many details! A source tells Gossip Cop that OK! is lie-telling, because ToNardo is still a thing.
I don’t know, it’s pretty believable. The world is now teetering on its axis, because George Clooney is the picture perfect portrait of a happily married monogamous man and Adam Levine is no longer ho’ing it up out in the open. Leonardo DiCatchAHo really cares about the planet and he can’t let it completely spin off its axis by staying in a relationship too long. So I wouldn’t be surprised if Leo put Teri Garr on the curb, because now that Clooney and Adam Levine are temporarily off the market he’s gotta triple up his fuck load and do all the models. Besides, Teri Garr turned 22 in July and 22 is “older than Methuselah’s balls” in DiCatchAHo years. That’s what the DiCatchAHo calculator on Victoria’s Secret’s website says anyway.
Here’s Toni Garrn (yes, I broke at least 3 finger bones while typing that name instead of Teri Garr) at some Vogue event in Milan on September 22nd.
Before we get into the latest stupid, dumb shit done by the pus-filled wart clinging to the Jersey Shore’s right ass lip, I have a very important question to ask. Is it just me or does that lady in the black’s right arm look like a big, cut dick thanks to her bra strap falling? I soooo would.
Juicy Joe from The Real Grifters Of New Jersey better save the top bunk in his cell for a fellow reality show skid mark, because The Situation has been indicted on two counts of filing false returns and one count of conspiracy. We already knew this, but The Situation has the brains of a broken duck phone, because he allegedly filed false tax returns from 2010-2012. The IRS says he pulled in $8.9 million during those years. NJ.com says that The Situation and his brother Marc (not the one he beat up in the family tanning salon) are accused of failing to pay taxes on money made by two companies they own. The prolapsed urethra and his brother allegedly fixed their returns to make it look like they didn’t owe the IRS any more money and they wrote off fancy cars and clothes as business expenses. The Situation didn’t file a return in 2011 and he apparently made $1.95 million that year. The U.S. Attorney in NJ released this statement:
“Michael and Marc Sorrentino filed false tax returns that incorrectly reported millions made from promotions and appearances. The brothers allegedly also claimed costly clothes and cars as business expenses and funneled company money into personal accounts. The law is absolutely clear: telling the truth to the IRS is not optional.”
The Shituation and his brother turned themselves in to authorities this afternoon and were released on $250,000 bail. His lawyers claim they’re not guilty. They will be arraigned on October 6th. If prosecutors go for the maximum punishment and he’s convicted, The Situation could get up to ten years in the chokey and get hit with $850,000 in fines. I was going to ask what the prison equivalent of GTL is, but I’m pretty sure it’s still GTL since every New Jersey prison cell is equipped with a tanning bed.
Besides the obvious, two other heinous crimes have been committed here:
1. That AXE-scented ass burp made $8.9 million in three years!
2. The year is 2014 and I’m writing about The Situation. Indict me for that shit.
Here’s The Situation leaving the federal court house in Newark today, if you care:
Seen above wearing a ring on his hitchin’ finger at a screening for his movie Kill The Messenger in DC last night, Grumpy Cat’s human twin Jeremy Renner confirmed to Capitol File Magazine that he’s married to the model and actress type he knocked up a couple of years ago. Cue up the blind items that say that Kelly Preston has proudly welcomed a newest member to the Beard Wife Hall of Fame Club!
During the interview, the reporter from Capitol File probably noticed the ring he’s been wearing and straight up asked his 43-year-old ass if he’s married to his 22-year-old baby mother Sonni Pacheco. Jeremy dribbled out a “yes” and went on to say that he hasn’t come out as a married man, because he cares about the privacy of his wife and their 17-month-old daughter Ava Berlin (who, thanks to that name, is destined to become a gay club cabaret singer in Germany):
I have tried to protect my family’s privacy, my wife’s privacy. I don’t need her to get hammered with my life. Privacy issues are important because I want her to go about her day without being bothered. Yeah… Paps follow me, [and] that’s fine. But it’s annoying being followed when I’m with my family. It’s not just me—everyone [in Hollywood] has to deal with that. I’ve been talked about a whole lot, because the less I put out there, the less people know, and it makes it interesting, I assume.
When he said, “need her to get hammered with,” I expected him to go in a completely different direction than where he went. I think what he means by “protect my family’s privacy” is “Eh, I’ve gotta a movie to sell, so why not drop that little headline maker?”
That didn’t take long. Two days after TMZ posted police audio from that messy “Daniele Watts vs. the LAPD” situation, they posted pictures of Daniele Watts and her boyfriend Brian James Lucas allegedly getting into some daytime car sex fun times in a Mercedes parked on a street near CBS Studios in Studio City, CA. I see you, Mr. Green Shirt. I see you trying not to turn to your right to get a full view of the afternoon fuck show.
Daniele and Brian wrote on Facebook and later told the media that they were only kissing in their car and weren’t doing anything wrong. But then TMZ heard from witnesses who claim that Daniele and Brian weren’t only making out, but they were also straight up boning with the passenger door wide open for everyone to see. When TMZ posted that little tidbit, I filed it directly under “PICS OR GTFO.” Well, leave it to TMZ to get the pics.
Less than a week ago, Billboard published an interview with Chris Brown who claimed that spending 108 days in jail changed him for the better and the new Chris Brown (The New Adventures of Old Chris Brown, now streaming on Netflix) doesn’t get into fights or start shit at the club anymore. But here we are, a week later and Chris Brown is back to his old shit-starting asshole tricks once again. Cue the Welcome Back, Kotter theme song!
According to the NY Daily News, Chris Brown’s entourage (which sounds like a douchier version of Entourage, as if that’s even possible) was involved in a bottle-throwing fight at a club in the Meatpacking District early this morning that send one man to the hospital after he took a flying piece of glass to the eye. Police are still investigating what happened, but no one has been arrested yet. It’s also unclear as to what Chris Brown’s involvement was in the fight. Let me take a wild guess: HE STARTED IT. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if he has the power to morph into a piece of broken glass, and he flew into that dude’s face on purpose.
But according to Breezy, there was no fight and it’s just that gossipy bitch The Devil spreading rumors about him:
“Uh…I don’t know him” – God.
Well, now I feel like a real dum-dum, because I bet $30 that Chris Brown could stay out of trouble for at least 30 days. Fuck, I knew I should have gone lower than 30 days! My gut kept telling me “Allison, you stupid bitch, it’s Chris Brown! Betting 30 days is too risky! Chris Brown can’t go 48-hours without starting shit! You think you’re a gambler now? You Kenny Rogers now?” but I ignored it, because I thought it was just indigestion from a questionable bag of Doritos (that best-before date is on there for a reason, folks).
But when he said in that Billboard interview that he’s trying to be “the best Chris Brown” he can be, I guess he was telling the truth. Chris Brown is literally the best at being Chris Brown, aka an unapologetic fight-starting asshole. Nobody does it better!
Both TMZ and Radar says that last Friday, the FBI raided the L.A. hotel room of a Kardashihater they believe has been sending noted whore wrangler Pimp Mama Kris death threats. Let’s see, on the list of Things The FBI Should Be Doing, “catching the crazy bitch who PMK might’ve hired to send her death threats for the sake of ratings” falls somewhere between “finding the missing 1/2 sock that dog swallowed“ and “helping me pass the level in Tomb Raider my dumb ass can’t pass even with help from the walkthroughs.”
TMZ has learned (read: PMK told Harvey Levin during a cuddle sesh) that the FBI have been tracking a “black female” who has been accused of calling PMK up to 300 times a day and has threatened to release a sex tape starring everyone’s most hated pimp and Bruce Jenner unless she gets paid. FBI agents showed up to the Four Seasons on Friday with search warrants in hand and took the woman’s laptop, iPad, iPod and cell phone. They didn’t arrest her.