I’ll gasp and clutch my chest as soon as I find out what the hell the Panama Papers is.
The Panama Papers aren’t what you used to roll that joint last night, and it’s also not the name of a calypso-electro band based out of Brooklyn. The Panama Papers are millions of leaked documents that details the hundreds of thousands of offshore accounts created by the Panama City-based law firm Mossack Fonseca. Many of the offshore shell companies were created by THEE ELITE to avoid paying taxes. Some kind soul created a Panama Papers guide for dummies video, and you can watch it here if you want to. Personally, I’m waiting for Ryan Murphy to develop an 8-episode FX miniseries about the Panama Papers starring Jessica Lange and John Travolta. That’s when I’ll really understand it.
Several famous names, like Simon Cowell and Heather Mills, have come up in the leak, and yesterday, it was reported that Emma Watson’s name comes up in the searchable database. Emma is the beneficiary of a company based in the British Virgins Island. A rep for the feminist idol and goodwill ambassador admits that she set up the company, but denies that she did it for tax-evading reasons. And a million “Hermione Granger and the Panamanian Chamber of Tax Secrets” jokes were born.
That picture of Jenny Slate with Chris Evans was taken when they were both on Anna Faris’ podcast, and their glazed-over shiny eyes could be from the camera flash, but I’m going to choose to believe it’s from spending all day and all night humping their fuck parts off. As for why Anna Faris and Chris Pratt’s eyes are like that too, they have a 3 year old, so I’m guessing they were smoking crack all day to deal with a hyperactive screaming child.
Well, this is a little awkward. Allow me to explain what is happening in these grainy-as-hell pictures above. On the right, you have Orlando Bloom, who appears to be – forgive me Jesus for using this word – canoodling with a lady in a booth at a club. And according to TMZ , the woman he’s ‘noodling with is Selena Gomez. In case you’ve forgotten, Orlando’s dick currently belongs to Katy Perry.
TMZ says the above pictures of Orlando reuniting with his one-time revenge hookup Selena were taken on Saturday night at the after-party for her show in Las Vegas. The after-party was at Light in Mandalay Bay, and sources say that Orlando surprised everyone by showing up. 39-year-old Orlando and 23-year-old Selena found a booth together and got to touching. A source describes them as being “touchy-feely.” However, whatever happened in that booth stayed in that booth; the source says that Selena went back to her room alone at the end of the night.
As for where Katy Perry was when all this was happening, she was apparently back in California at a Renaissance Fair. I sort of wish it was the other way around; I would have loved to have seen Orlando macking on Selena while holding a giant turkey leg.
Even without these pictures, which I’m sure have already been thrown in a frame and hung in the Indiscreet Dummies wing of the Cheating Hall of Fame, Orlando would have been busted the second Katy got home and took a look at the state of his Tamagotchi. “Oh my god, it’s dead! It looks like died from malnutrition and feces exposure on Saturday night. Where were you Saturday night that you couldn’t take care of it? Explain yourself!”
After everyone saw that video from 2014 of Solange going all Basement Baby Ali (“float like a moth ball, sting like a bee“) on Jay-Z in an elevator after the Met Gala, you’d think that people would make sure to be polite to her and keep their shady side-eyes to themselves. But apparently, one brave soul was rude to Solange at the Met Gala on Monday night. Instead of checking them with her flying fists, Solange checked the bitch with a blind item on Twitter. She tweeted a shout out to a member of the You So Artsy Club who was about as annoying as a hungry mouse nibbling at your toes when you’re trying to sleep on an egg crate in the basement.
Shout out to when you think you all "artsy and shit" , but your just rude and annoying lol
— solange knowles (@solangeknowles) May 3, 2016
The first response under Solange’s tweet is this:
— ⚪️ Beige Bitch ⚪️ (@alialmoore) May 3, 2016
Yeah, Taylor Swift probably rules the craft table in her playroom and nobody can make a pasta shell jewelry box like her, but does she consider herself “arty“? Yeah, she probably does. I don’t think it’s her, though. My first guesses were Kanye West or Lady Gaga. But you know, maybe there will be a major M. Night Shyamalan-approved PLOT TWIST in this riveting saga. Maybe Solange got really drunk at the Met Gala and when she went into the bathroom, she noticed a shifty trick in a try-hard outfit throwing her rude looks. And well, it turns out that shifty trick in a try-hard outfit throwing her rude looks was her own reflection in the mirror! When Solange finds out the truth, her reflection is totally going to get it.
When we last wrote about the disastrous custody fight over 15-year-old Rocco Ritchie between Madonna and Guy Ritchie, Rocco had stopped fighting with his mom for a second to reunite with her at her house in London. Well, it looks like things between them are still okay.
Madge and Guy’s next court room battle royale isn’t until June, but a judge told both of those messes to try and work out their custody issues privately. Maybe they proved that miracles do exist and they were able to stop being wrecks, because Rocco has been spending a lot of time with Madge. People says that Madge has been staying in London, where Rocco is temporarily living with his dad, ever since her Rebel Heart tour ended. I guess Rocco also got over being mad that his mom keeps putting pictures of him on her Instagram, because over the weekend she posted this new picture of them together. Madge posted it with the caption:
We need what, exactly? More booze? Because if you replaced Rocco with a long-haired black chihuahua rolling his eyes, I’d be Madge on a Friday night after drowning all of my sorrows in Hawaiian Punch, vodka and the good shit. Madge is giving me “Siamese Cat wax figurine right after chasing two Ambiens with a glass of red wine” and Rocco is giving me “first toke of the night.” That makes sense, because many people have to be drunk to hang out with a hormonal teenager (“Tell me about it.” – my mom during my teen years) and many people probably also have to be stoned to hang out with Madge.
Variety reported yesterday that Will Ferrell was going to produce and star in Reagan, which has been described as a “dementia comedy” about the 1980s president’s second term. The synopsis for it goes like this: At the beginning of President Raegan’s second term when he “falls into dementia,” an intern is told that they have to convince Reagan that he’s actually an actor playing the president in a movie. That premise went over as well as explosive diarrhea at a butt sex orgy. It went over as well as that joke.
Since we’re on the subject of crazed mega fans with insanity running through their veins, here’s pictures from over the weekend of coochie seizure-inducer Charlie Hunnam in NYC with his jewelry designer girlfriend of a few years Morgana McNelis. Or as some of his crazed mega fans call her (probably), Tramp Slut Thotty Whore McHussyFace.
Last month, Lainey Gossip posted about a weird video message that Charlie Hunnam made for the batshit fans who were throwing hate balls at his girlfriend. Originally, Charlie gave a “leave my girlfriend aloooone” note to Tina, a woman who runs one of his fan sites. Tina posted the note and many of his fans didn’t believe it came from him. When they called Tina a liar, Charlie made a video message where he said that the note was real and he wants all of his Hunnamaniacs to stop messing with Tina and his girlfriend. It was something to file in a folder labeled “Being Famous Is Weird.”
Well, Morgana must think that the streets are safe again, because she came out in NYC over the weekend. That lady behind Morgana is me, because she’s obviously saying to her friend, “I can’t believe you’re taking pictures of stupid buildings when you should be taking pictures of dat ass right there.” But honestly, I’m disappointed in that Morgana chick. Because what’s the point of hitting the pap stroll with Charlie Hunnam if you’re not going to wear a third trimester baby pillow with a maternity t-shirt that reads, “Your Fake Boyfriend Busted A Raw Nut Up Into This. Seethe, Hos, Seethe!” Really, there’s no point at all!
Not since the dramatic ousting of Ann Curry has there been an all-caps, bold-faced ESCANDALO that is rocking the boring morning show world. It’s times like these when I wish that I was a stay-at-home daddy. Because if I was, I’d be passing around a sippy cup full of a screwdriver with the other stay-at-homers at the playground as we kiki about this mess and I scream, “Walk it off, shit, I’m busy,” at my kid as they complain about breaking a leg from falling off of the jungle gym.
Last December, the NYDN started the rumor that Norman Reedus and Diane Kruger were dry humping each other at a bar in NYC while her man of 9 years Joshua Jackson was on vacation in the Philippines. Reps spits out the usual denials, Joshua’s dad laughed about it to Radar and Pacey and Diane proved that their love was alive by posing at some event together two months later. Well, Norman’s hipster Lenny from Laverne & Shirley-looking ass and Diane Kruger were together again at a screening for their movie Sky in NYC last night. Joshua Jackson is also in the movie, but he wasn’t there last night.
WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!!!
If I don’t look at these pictures through a scandal filter, I see two greasy messes awkwardly posing next to each other because they’re well aware of those rumors and don’t want anyone to think that they’re really doing ass-to-ass with a cucumber. If I do look at these pictures through a scandal filter, I see two greasy messes awkwardly posing next to each other because they have done it but don’t want to look like they’ve done it. Norman and Diane also look like irresponsible chaperones at a Florida high school prom who just got caught getting into some sweaty, meth-fueled fuck times on the floor of the gym bathroom. But then again, they always kind of look like that.
Here’s more pictures of Norman and Diane last night as well as pictures of them at TIFF last September. In the pictures from last night, Diane is wearing an outfit that looks a lot like the outfit my best friend at the time wore to our 8th grade spring dance in the 90s. The teachers said that the top part was too risqué so they made her wear a t-shirt over it. Basically, she looked a billion times more glamorous than Diane.
Pics: AP, Splash
A group of Roman Catholic nuns in Los Angeles are currently throwing holy water at Lady Justice and condemning a certain judge’s soul to the depths of hell, because they lost hard in their battle to keep their precious convent out of the clutches of Katy Perry’s unholy chichis!