CNN says that Brazilian authorities have officially charged Ryan Lochte with falsifying a police report, or as he probably calls it “over-exaggerating my tantics, bro.” Ryan’s partners in lie-telling all settled things with the cops in Rio. Gunnar Bentz and Jack Conger were allowed to fly back to the U.S. after they talked with the cops, and Jimmy Feigen (who could’ve been charged) paid a $10,800 donation to a charity to avoid getting charged. But since Ryan busted out of Brazil before the cops could question him more about the gas station robbery that wasn’t so much of a robbery, he hasn’t settled with them.
The Amber Heard v. Johnny Depp divorce war finally came to an end over a week ago when they agreed on a $7 million settlement and she agreed to drop the domestic abuse case against him. As President Heather Mills walked toward Amber Heard to pin a gold shovel on her lapel and welcome her into The League of Extraordinary Gold Diggers, she let Elin know to turn around and walk the other way. Amber announced that she’s donating all $7 million of her settlement to charity. Amber said in a statement that she will give half to the ACLU (specifically to help victims of domestic violence) and the other half to the Children’s Hospital of Los Angeles. Johnny could’ve just sent that mountain of money to Amber and let her give the money to charity, but that would be too easy. Captain Halitosis McBracelets WILL have the last word.
Conrad Hilton strut out of the clink just two weeks ago, and now his daddy’s got to clean up another mess he may have produced. And this latest mess involves drunk driving, barf and a broken bong. (Pour out some used bong water for that broken bong.) The current reigning pride of the Hilton family has been sued by a woman who claims that last May, 22-year-old Conrad crashed his daddy’s white Range Rover head-first into her car and was dazed, confused and covered with barf. Hmm… I guess Parasite Hilton’s one-time frenemy Lindsay Lohan taught a young Conrad Hilton how to drive.
If you were saving your coins, hoping that one day you’d be able to afford a Kardashian U Master Class taught by Professor Pimp Mama Kris on “How To Kontact The Devil So You Can Sell Your Soul And The Soul Of Your Children In Exchange For A Multi-Million Dollar Whore Empire,” you’ve been saving your money for nothing. Because PMK is no longer the chairpimp of the “university” she helped re-launch a few months ago. The good news is that Michael Lohan is probably still teaching classes on “How To Whore Out Your Children So You Never Have To Get A Real Job” in the back room of a strip club in Pompano Beach, so you can still take that.
Perpetually confused Labradoodle Ryan Lochte claimed that on early Sunday morning he and three of his teammates were robbed at gunpoint by thieves in cop drag. Ryan claimed that the thieves in police camouflage pulled over the taxi he and the other swimmers got in after partying at France House. They were going back to the athletes’ village. Ryan said that the thieves put a gun to his busted Anderson Cooper-ass hair, to which he said, “Whatever.” The thieves allegedly stole everyone’s wallet and money, but let them keep their cellphones and credentials.
Ryan’s mom confirmed the story to the media on Sunday. The IOC originally said that Mother Goose must have written that story because it’s a fable. They eventually confirmed it to be true. The police and courts in Rio aren’t so sure, and after doing an investigation, a judge ordered for Ryan and fellow U.S. swimmer James Feigen to hand over their passports. Ryan has put his hands on the side of his head and is going, “Nah nah nah nah you can’t catch me,” to the judge, because he’s already back in the states.
The Rock’s Instagram blind item about a chicken shit candy ass who is a pain in his muscled-up nalgas has been solved! In case you don’t know about today’s biggest mystery, The Rock called out a Fast 8 co-star for being an unprofessional dick with an ass so sweet that it’ll give you cavities. Well, according to TMZ’s sources, Vin Diesel is the candy ass in question. (Side note: “Candy ass” is not to be confused with my nickname, “Chewed-Up Taffy Ass.”) The Rock is obviously just jealous of Vin, because he wishes he held the self-appointed title of The Best Body In New York City For Decades.