Well, when you’re locked up on murder charges and have gotten bored from re-enacting scenes from The Exorcist with your haunted toilet, one way to pass the time is to go down to the jailhouse library and read Frivolous Ass Lawsuits For Dummies. Suge Knight has already sued Chris Brown and the club 1 Oak for not providing enough security at the 2014 VMAs party where his ass was shot up seven times. TMZ says that shooting has brought out another lawsuit from Suge. Suge has thrown a lawsuit at Dr. Dre for allegedly putting a hit on him.
The Today show is a little less smug this morning, because annoying ventriloquist’s dummy Billy Bush isn’t on and won’t be on indefinitely. Because of that recording from 2005 of Billy Bush laughing as Donald Trump bragged about grabbing pussy without permission, NBC announced yesterday that they have suspended him from Today as they investigate. Please, that’s just PR talk for: “We’ve sent Billy Bush on a paid vacation until that tape of Trump saying the N-word comes out and that pussy grabbing disaster is nothing but a distant memory.”
Seen above giving off terrifying “Heeeeere’s Jimmy!” vibes in 2004, James Haven has reportedly been helping his sister Angelina Jolie with her 6 children as she deals with divorcing Brad Pitt. Uncle Stains is apparently at Angie’s rental house in Malibu every single day. The windows of that Malibu house must reach the edge of shattering when all 6 kids simultaneously scream, “Mom! Uncle! Gross,” after seeing Angie and James sloppily suck face.
Before Brad Pitt became one half of the holiest couples since Jan Crouch and Krylon clear acrylic spray (only beauty amateurs use hairspray), he was good friends with Melissa Etheridge and as every Brangelina/Aniston historian knows, she sang at his wedding to Jennifer Aniston. When Brad got with Angelina Jolie, the power of Brangelina broke up a lot of his friendships including the one he had with Melissa. Melissa and Brad haven’t seen each other in 10 years, but that has never kept her from spitting out her thoughts about Devilina Holie! And yesterday, Melissa gave her thoughts on the fall of Brangelina during a talk with Andy Cohen on his SiriusXM show. The next time Melissa walks by a church’s stained glass window with a saint in it, she shouldn’t be surprised when that saint side-eyes and hisses at her, because she dragged St. Angie a bit.
As every trick on earth knows since it was CNN BREAKING NEWS, Kim Kardashian was held at gunpoint by masked men pretending to be cops early this morning in Paris. Kim and several members of the Koven are now in NYC with Kanye West as a gang of Joanne the Scammer’s proteges try to sell millions of dollars worth of jewelry on the black market and also feel their eyeballs go numb as they swipe through 5,000 selfies on one of the phones they stole from Kim (and those 5,000 selfies were from yesterday alone). More details about The Krown Jewel Kaper have spilled out including how the thieves got away with $10 million in jewelry. Their loot may have included that gigantic diamond ring that’s almost bigger than one of Kim’s ass cheeks.
Every Starbucks in England has filed for an emergency bailout of much-needed supplies because they are out of everything and that could mean only one thing: Britney Spears is over there! Brit Brit is in London where so far she’s busted out her flawless lip-synch act during the Apple Music Festival and did The Jonathan Ross Show. Brit Brit’s interview with Wossy (look at me speakin’ Brit-esh!) taped yesterday (it’ll air on October 1st) and according to a couple of people who were in the audience, she went off script a bit. Brit Brit actually said the word “conservatorship” out loud. And when she did, London the Dog’s ear’s perked up, the hairy pussy strip on Adnan Ghalib’s chin fell off and her old pink wig threw itself off of its wig head at the Smithsonian. It’s at the Smithsonian, right?