Liz and Dick. Brad and Angie. Satan and Pimp Mama Kris. There have been many great Hollywood love affairs, but none more passionate and everlasting than that of Kirstie Alley and Jenny Craig. Kirstie left Jenny 7 years ago to start her own Xenu-approved weight loss barley water, Organic Liaisons, but it sounds like she’s been spending those last 7 years weeping “I wish I could quit you” while clutching old Jenny Craig pay check stubs, because she’s come crawling back to reclaim her position as bottom bitch.
The Ghost of Lindsay Lohan’s Future told People that she decided to return to Jenny Craig after gaining 30 lbs in the past six months, and needed some help from a coach to lose the weight. And because she doesn’t want to fully admit that Organic Liaisons is a pile of Scientolo-shit that doesn’t do much more than line the pockets of Tom Cruise and David Miscavige’s daisy dukes, she’s bringing along some OL supplements to help her lose weight. And by help her lose weight, I of course mean she’ll use a box of OL supplements to help steady the wobbly leg of the table she’s lying on at Dr. Dan’s Cheap n’ Discreet Lipo Clinic.
I don’t even know what I’ll eat for dinner tonight (“Sure honey” – one of the dozens of boxes of Kraft Dinner sitting in my cupboard) but with full confidence I can predict what will happen here. By using the measure of probability (ex: the John Travolta Masseuse Theorem) here’s what will likely happen:
- Kirstie will lose 30 lbs
- To which she will then appear on a daytime talk show in a bikini
- Kirstie will then film a single season of a reality show or sitcom
- Show will get cancelled
- Kirstie will seek the comfort of cookies and gain back 30 lbs
- Start again at the beginning
This will continue for the next 40 years, or until science has developed a magic system to keep weight off and/or keep crappy TV shows from ever getting cancelled. The End. Throw that in her Wikipedia page and call it a day.
David Letterman barely announced he’s retiring and will start his “sipping Benefiber-tinis while reading Readers Digest” phase of life next year, and a million names have already been burped up as his possible replacement. Every ho is on that list including Tina Fey, Ellen DeGeneres, Jimmy Kimmel, Conan O’Brien, Jon Stewart and the chatty ass weed dealer who stays way too long at your apartment after he makes a delivery. Craig Ferguson is apparently not even in the mix and CBS will have to pay him at least $8 million if they don’t offer him the job since he has right of first refusal. Six seconds after Letterman said he’s quitting that bitch, Nikki Finke claimed that Stephen Colbert was the only on-air ho that CBS was considering to host the Late Show in 2015. But The Wrap says that CBS is flirting with Chelsea Handler’s ass.
The Wrap’s source says that around the time that Chelsea let it be known that she’s leaving E! in 9 months, CBS asked her if she was into the possibility of hosting a syndicated talk show. Chelsea queefed on that idea, but CBS came back to her and asked her if she was into the possibility of taking David Letterman’s spot. That made Chelsea’s culo lips perk up and now getting the Late Show gig is her #1 priority. Well, technically it’s her #2 priority since her #1 priority is making sure that her body is always made up of 75% vodka. The Wrap put it like this:
She will be meeting with CBS Corp.’s chairman and CEO Les Moonves in the next few weeks to continue the discussions of joining CBS’s late-night lineup, the individual said. But, Letterman’s retirement announcement on Thursday has changed the landscape for her. Handler now has her eye on Letterman’s “Late Show” spot instead. Either timeslot would make her the first woman to host a late-night broadcast show since Cynthia Garrett hosted NBC’s “Later” from 2000-2001.
When Chelsea goes to that meeting with Les Moonves, she shouldn’t be surprised if she finds Julie Chen lying on top of his crotch. The Chenbot is the only trick who’s allowed to fuck Les Moonves for a job, thankyouverymuch!
I don’t even know why we’re talking about Letterman’s replacement ho. Letterman isn’t retiring for another damn year and besides, we all know who’s really going to get the job:
I’m calling it now.
In a SHOCKING twist, the 17-year-old is a chick.
On Tuesday night, James Franco was probably Googling the answer to the question, “What is the age of consent in New York state?” Because he supposedly tried to get on a 17-year-old girl from Scotland after meeting her outside the stage door of his Broadway show “Of Mice and Men.” The girl named Lucy took an Instagram video (via ONTD) with James Franco and in it he tells her ass “you gotta tag me,” which she did. James DM’ed Lucy on Instagram and didn’t waste a damn second of his time trying to get into her chonies. Lucy screen capped their chat and threw it up imgur.
About half a second into their chat, James practically busts some “a/s/l” shit on her when he asks Lucy where she lives, if she has a boyfriend and if she’s 18. Lucy tells him she’s not 18 yet, but his sleazy ass probably found out that the age of consent in NY is 17, because he kept going after her. James was like those hos on Grindr who message you with shit like, “Looking? And no back and forth!” Because he was not there to learn Lucy’s middle name, her favorite color and her dreams and hopes for the future. James was there to hook up. My favorite line of the entire conversation is, “What’s the hotel? Should I rent a room?” Creepy bitch was parched for teen ass. Chris Hansen is so close to asking James to have a seat.
After a little back and forth, Lucy makes James’ take a picture of himself holding a picture with her name on it. James tells her to text her when he wants to meet up and that’s that. After this mess went viral, 35-year-old James tweeted (and deleted) that he’s not a teen fucker and told parents to keep their teens away from him. And he also added a little age limit to his Instagram profile.
I’m sure James will say that he spent years and years creating the “fictional” character of “17-year-old Lucy from Scotland” and those scenes in front of the stage door were actually filmed in a studio and Lucy is a CGI creation that was added in post-production. This was all just a performance art piece on society’s view of sex in the digital age or some shit like that. The piece was commissioned by the Whitney and the ball is in Shia LaDouche’s court.
Jennette McCurdy’s Nickelodeon Show Stops Production And It Isn’t Because Her Lingerie Pics Ended Up On The Internet
I know, I should’ve put more words in that headline. It really isn’t long enough.
Since some of us are grown, childless adults who don’t give a hell about children’s stuff (and yes, I, a grown, childless adult, typed that while the She-Ra doll collection on my desk stared back at me) and don’t know what a Jennette McCurdy or a Sam & Cat is, so let me give you a quick rundown. Jennette McCurdy is the 21-year-old star of the hit Nickelodeon show, Sam & Cat, which just finished up a really long 40-episode first season. Last month, Jennette crawled through the child star rite of passage when pictures of her in her bra and chonies “leaked” onto the Internet. Jennette pointed the finger at her short-time piece, NBA player Andre Drummond. The pics were pretty damn tame and (insert the name of any Disney star here) saw them and let out an “eh” before continuing to take Hi-Res pics of her cervix.
When Jennette, who kind of looks like the fourth member of The Chipettes, didn’t show up to the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards over the weekend, she tweeted her little fans and told them that she boycotted the show, because of some drama between her and Nickelodeon. Jennette said that the drama had nothing to do with her ass cheek ending up on the Internet. TMZ says today that the drama is all about cash. She’s currently negotiating her deal for the second season and she wants to get paid as much as her co-star Ariana Grande Skim Milk Double Shot Latte. TMZ put it like this:
The show is one of the most popular on the network, but production has been halted and so far a second season has yet to be ordered.
We’re told McCurdy doesn’t have a problem with Grande personally … just with Nickelodeon. For their part, a rep for the network says, “We have nothing but the utmost respect for Jennette and her talent.”
The truth is, Nickelodeon should give that ho a giant bonus, because if it wasn’t for those PG-13-ish pictures that she probably leaked herself, most of us wouldn’t even know she or the show existed. Two months ago, if you asked me who Jennette McCurdy is, I would’ve guessed that she was a cartoon character that McDonald’s in the UK created to promote their new breakfast food McCurdsAndWhey.
But seriously, I did know about that Sam & Cat show before those tame pics leaked, because one of my friends says her kids are mesmerized by it. It’s their visual crack. She says that when it’s on, their eyeballs are glued to the screen. They can’t get enough of it and they’ve seen every episode several times. My friend keeps a bunch of episodes in her DVR for when she needs to entertain them to go have stay-at-home-mommy time (aka cry in the bathroom in between puffing on an E-cigarette and drinking gin out of the bottle). So that Jennette trick and Nickelodeon need to get their shit together, because moms depend on their show to babysit their kids while they weep and day drink.
Radar says that it will be a long ass time before RiRi stars in Tyler Perry’s The Diary Of A Single Mom Who Blames Herself For Getting Married and it’s all because of some advice that Whitney Houston whispered into her ear before floating on up to the doody bubble-less Shangri-La in the sky. The media made it sound like Whitney and Tyler Perry were kiki sisters who’d get into matching pink satin shorty short pajamas, crawl into her bed and share a blunt and a 6-pack of wine coolers while talking shit about Oprah and discussing the dangers of doing butt sex when you’ve got a doody bubble loaded in the chamber. Tyler Perry told The Mighty O last year that he let Whitney use his private jet for trips to rehab and he supported her up until the very end. But according to Radar, Whitney would say to Tyler, “Bitch, your bussy is owning the game in those pants,” and then turn around and say to RiRi, “Don’t ever do one of those bitch’s movies…. Oh, and his bussy looks a melting Styrofoam carton full of old meat in those pants.”
Radar’s source says that Tyler Perry has been trying to get RiRi to star in one of his movies for over a year, but she keeps turning him down. Every time Tyler asks to have a meeting with RiRi, Nippy appears on her shoulder and says, “Don’t do it, bitch!” Whitney and RiRi talked about Tyler Perry’s movies at some party a few years ago and Whitney told her that only black has-beens do his movies. Radar’s source had this to say:
“Although Tyler has been courting Rihanna for a year and a half, hoping to build a movie around her, she has rejected the idea. Rihanna has pointedly avoided meeting with him! Whitney put her off Tyler by warning her bluntly that ‘Tyler’s films are for fading black stars, not rising ones. “Rihanna so respected Whitney because in addition to being one of the biggest pop stars ever, she starred in hit movies such as The Bodyguard. She’s ruling out doing a Tyler Perry-style romantic comedy because she thinks she works better in action roles, playing the tough girl.”
RiRi shouldn’t just rule out doing a Tyler Perry movie, she should rule out doing ALL movies, because I made the mistake of watching parts of Battleshit while sober and they really should’ve CGI’d some human emotion into her. I love that Whitney kept it shady until the very end, but while she was throwing out advice at RiRi back then, she also should’ve advised that trick to permanently dismount off of Chris Brown’s Gumby dick before she really goes nuts and runs for the crack pipe.
And that wind that gracefully just braced your cheek is either from Michael Jackson slapping Whitney’s head with a rhinestone glove for shading his sister or it’s from Michael Jackson slow clapping over Whitney shading his sister.
The day that HARDEST WORKING SINGLE MOTHER IN THE WORLD Goopy Paltrow announced that she and Chris Martin have consciously uncoupled (which is the phrase I’m going to use to describe the act of my hand falling off of my crotch after falling asleep while fapping) Lainey hinted about he and Alexa Chung possibly being a thing. Now The Daily Mail is running with it and they’re saying that while Chris was having marriage problems, he hung out with the dehydrated piece of bland Jicama. Chris certainly has a type. The skinnier and more annoying the better. Bitch probably gets hard when he gets a splinter.
The Daily Mail says that last June, Chris and Alexa Chung hung out at the Glastonbury Musical Festival and had milkshakes together at 4 in the morning at a place called the Shaken Udder (which is the unsexiest way to describe Salma Hayek shaking her chichis). The employee who served Chris and Alexa milk from the Shaken Udder gave The Daily Mail the riveting details of their leche date:
“They turned up together at around 3 or 4am and came over to where I was working at Shaken Udder and said to me and my friend ‘what do you recommend?’ They looked like they were just chilling and having a good time. I did find it a little odd that they were together – but we had a little chat and they wandered off after they asked us if we knew of any good places to go and have a few drinks. hey were having a laugh together, but it didn’t seem that anything was going on.”
Chris Martin is about as cool and edgy as a double pleat on a pair of khaki Dockers, so I don’t know if it’s he’s cool or edgy enough for Alexa’s ass. I don’t know if I’m totally buying them being together, but I totally believe that Goopy flipped out over their milkshake date. No, she didn’t care that he was with Alexa. Goopy couldn’t believe that Chris would drink dairy and sugar in public! How trashy! How gauche! Goopy doesn’t care that Chris puts his mouth on his whores, dairy and sugar, behind closed doors, but to do it in public is pouring generic brand table salt on her wounds. Now all of Goopy’s friends know that he cheated on the macrobiotic, all-organic diet she spent weeks creating with two cheap sluts like cow milk and white sugar. The cheap, 2 cent straw that Chris Martin used to drink his side pieces with was the FINAL straw.
Goopy Paltrow announced on GOOP today that Chris Martin can now eat McDonald’s all day long on 100-thread count sheets and his asshole is breathing a sigh of relief, because it no longer has to get daily coconut oil and quinoa water enemas. Even the pretentious ass title of Goopy’s break-up statement makes my eyeballs roll right out of my damn head.
It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate. We have been working hard for well over a year, some of it together, some of it separated, to see what might have been possible between us, and we have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much we will remain separate. We are, however, and always will be a family, and in many ways we are closer than we have ever been. We are parents first and foremost, to two incredibly wonderful children and we ask for their and our space and privacy to be respected at this difficult time. We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and coparent, we will be able to continue in the same manner.
Gwyneth & Chris
I’ve read all the blind items that were supposedly about them, so this shouldn’t make me clutch my anal beads out of shock, but it kind of did. Goopy and Chris Martin have been married for 11 years and I figured they’d be one of those cold, WASP bitch couples who’d make each other miserable forever. She’d spend her nights drinking $500 bottles of wine with her only friend, her maid, while he’s out bareback fucking 20-something after 20-something. They’d sleep in separate wings of their mansion and every time they’d go out in public together, she’d say under his breath, “I hate you more than bleached flour,” to him while throwing a fake smile. Shit, I think I just described the last couple years of their marriage.
And “conscious uncoupling ” sounds like a really pretentious way of describing shit coming out of a butt during a bowel movement. Does Goopy ever stop thinking about poop?!
…has a lot of fucking time on their hands.
Brangelina’s Wednesday matinee standby BerJohnny (which sounds like a cutesy name that Brit Brit calls her bergina) left their hotel in NYC yesterday holding hands while Amber Heard flashed her diamond hitchin’ ring, because that’s what engaged celeb whores do when they call the paps and bitches know what they gotta do to get the biggest picture in the “spotted” section of a weekly tabloid. Holding hands only gets them a small picture, but hand holding PLUS that ring flash gets them the big spot. Bitches know the game. But if I didn’t already know that was Amber Heard and Johnny Depp, I’d guess it was an au pair for a really rich family helping a blind hobo across the street.
I know Johnny Depp’s hat cost more than my life and I know that it took 13 highly-trained moths at least 6 months to chew the perfect pattern into that hat while under the direct supervision of a French milliner, but that hat scares me.
I mean, doesn’t it look like an enraged Voldemort screaming before he inhales in your soul? Or am I just permanently stoned? Let’s go with option c: BOTH.
Kanye Kardashian pleaded “no contest” to getting physical with a pap at LAX last year and yesterday a judge sentenced Riccardo Tisci’s boo to two years probation, 24 anger management classes and 250 hours of community service. In doing so, the judge also punished the community and the poor angry whores who have to sit with Kanye in anger management class.
The Los Angeles Times says that Kanye, who was not in court, was also ordered to stay away from the pap, Bobby Ramos, and he’ll have to pay restitution to the pap he smeared. A judge will determine a dollar amount at another hearing. Bobby Ramos’ spotlight-chasing lawyer Gloria Allred held one of her signature press conferences afterward and told reporters that they are not happy with the sentence and they will be going after the bars of diamond-encrusted platinum that Kanye keeps in his custom-made dolphin leather Givenchy man puss (on purpose typo):
Attorney Gloria Allred on Monday said the two years of probation Kanye West was sentenced to for assaulting her paprazzo client at Los Angeles International Airport last summer was “not sufficient” and that she is still “vigorously” litigating a civil lawsuit against the rapper.
Photographer Bobby Ramos said he was still suffering physically and emotionally from the caught-on-video altercation in which he was forced to the ground in a headlock by West.
What would really be shocking is if Gloria Allred and that pap joined forces and didn’t try to sue the Cartier diamond anal ring off of Kanye. When Gloria AllGreen and a pap get together, the nipples of the money hungry Gods get moist like they’ve never gotten moist before. But I’m sure that Bobby Ramos has somewhat of a case since he can’t even walk past the fish section of a grocery store without having a panic attack and crying himself into a puddle on the floor, because it brings back the terrifying memories of being trapped in a Gay Fish’s fin for 5 seconds.
You know what would really be a disservice to the community? If there isn’t a live-feed of Kween Kanye doing community service. The community deserves to see Kanye sissy that walk as he stomps into community service Naomi-style in a $12,000 panther hide caftan and cashmere balloon pants. And the community really deserves to see Kanye dramatically screech and scream when a used condom gets on his gold Versace crocodile sneakers while he’s picking up garbage on the side of the highway with a custom-made Chanel trash picker. The community deserves that at least!
And here’s Kim Kartrashian looking like a generic brand jumbo maxi-pad with wings while going to Dash in West Hollywood yesterday.
Because the ingrown pubic hair on humanity’s crotch can’t go more than a second without fucking up, he fucked up today by getting kicked out of rehab. The Difficult Brown stays difficult.
Earlier this month, Chris Brown finished up the court-ordered 90 days of anger management rehab he was sentenced to by the judge in the RiRi assault case. But just as Chris Brown was about to sashay out of rehab and continue his terror on the streets, the judge told him to stay in rehab for another 60 days until his assault case in DC wraps up. That was the plan, but then he had to go and fuck it up. TMZ says that Chris was kicked out of rehab today for breaking “internal rules.” I figured that “internal rules” was just a professional and technical way of saying that Chris face punched every woman in there and broke all the windows before burning the place down. But TMZ burped out the shocker of all shockers: he didn’t get kicked out for violence for drugs. If Chris Brown gets kicked out of rehab and it wasn’t because he fisted someone in the face, did he really get kicked out?
TMZ doesn’t know the exact reason why. Their source says that he did have “an inappropriate relationship” with a female employee (read: he boned her with his pool noodle peen in the janitor’s closet), but that isn’t the reason why he was shown the exit door. Getting kicked out of rehab is a violation of his probation, so the Sheriff picked him up and drove his ass to jail. He is being held without bail.
This is the second time Chris has been expelled from rehab. Last year, he was kicked out of rehab after throwing a rock at his mom’s car window when she came to visit him.
So he didn’t get kicked out for hitting anyone or for making Mom Breezy smuggle in meth in her butt or for doing an employee, so what else is there? Oh yeah, he probably opened up his mouth and spit out the usual fucked up threats that Chris Brown usually spits out. Or he put on his shitty movie Battle of the Year in the TV room and made everyone watch it. That’ll do it.