That bro throwing a “Wassup?” face is really what makes this picture a portrait of true royal romance.
Cressida Boners (which is also a condition Toyota fanboys suffer from when they go to the Detroit Auto Show) and Prince Hot Ginge made their first public appearance together at the inaugural WE Day UK at Wembley Arena in London today, and she took advantage of their time in public to kiss his cheek in front of the photographers. Cressida Boners has been at the forefront of the highly important Bring Back The Scrunchie Movement, so I want to like her, but she’s making it really hard. I just can’t trust a trick who doesn’t immediately give birth to four oceans of panty pudding when her lips touch any part of PHG. I’ve been refreshing the BBC’s site all morning and I don’t see any reports of panty pudding flooding at Wembley Arena, so it seems like Cressida didn’t have a natural reaction to cheek kissing PHG. When a chick kisses PHG, her coochie should be barfing like a Lard-Ass at a pie-eating contest. That is a normal reaction! The hell is wrong with her? She’s either a robot made of metal parts or she’s wearing a 10-gallon Diva Cup to make sure her panty pudding doesn’t squirt everywhere.
Cressida and PHG making their FIRST PUBLIC APPEARANCE AS A COUPLE!!! means that my hope of seeing permanently hungover mess Chelsy Davy as a British princess is probably not going to happen. Cressida Boners doesn’t have that gorgeous “just woke up in a puddle of her drunk barf on the floor of a pub bathroom” look that Chelsy does, but PHG could do worse. At least he’s not dating that orange Styrofoam peanut Pippa Middleton.
And no, that picture does not make me want to sharpen my shake. I’m not jealous of that tramp at all! If you replaced Cressida with me, PHG with my Ashton Drake Prince Harry Doll and all those people with the wrappers of the Snickers I eat to drown my feelings, you’d have my Saturday night.
Another day, another Jackson family situation that’s as puzzling as Jermaine Jackson’s fringed edges.
A bizarre press conference was held today to announce that DNA results show that there’s a 99.9% chance that 31-year-old pop singer type Brandon Howard was made from Michael Jackson’s sperm fish. There’s also a 99.9% chance that you blankly stared at that last sentence before letting out a single “oh.” You will hold a press conference tomorrow to announce this development.
Brandon Howard’s mom is gospel singer Miki Howard and she was friendly with Michael Jackson and was managed by Joe Jackson. Miki Howard used to go by the nickname “Billy” and Brandon Howard was born a year before “Billie Jean” came out, so some hos think the song is about her.
TMZ says that some dude named Alki David, who owns some site called FilmOn.com, held the press conference today and he’s the one who ordered the DNA test. Alki David got Michael Jackson’s DNA from one of MJ’s old retainers he bought at an auction. Sounds legit! To add another layer of sleazy, greasy shadiness to this giant pool of sleazy, greasy shadiness, sad fame whore Corey Feldman was at the press conference. Corey told the reporters that Brandon is the spitting image of MJ. Oh, Corey, once again proving the lies a total mess will tell for a few drink tickets and a carton of cigs.
But Brandon Howard apparently wants nothing to do with this scheme. Brandon released this statement:
To my fans, family, and friends, despite recent allegations, I did not authorize the testing of my DNA to be compared to that of the late Michael Jackson nor did I contact TMZ regarding the publication of the story.
This spring, I agreed to be a part of a documentary with FilmOn.TV and was asked to give a sample of my DNA. Even though I agreed to this I never expected it to be used in this manner.
To this day, I have never claimed to be Michael Jackson’s son nor do I have any intention of pursuing the family’s estate.
Let’s recap. Michael Jackson supposedly had bareback sex with a woman. Brandon Howard gave his DNA to an almost-stranger for whatever reason. DNA was scraped off of a nasty, disgusting, old, used retainer that may or may not have spent time in Michael Jackson’s mouth. If I add all that up and press equal, I get the answer: bullfuckingshit.
I won’t believe it until Maury announces it, Detective La Toya tells me it’s so and Brandon Howard proves that he’s really a Jackson by doing what the Jacksons do best: sue a bitch for ridiculous amounts of money.
Although, after watching Brandon Howard’s video, I do get slight shades of MJ….
That kid is probably Joe Jackson’s son and that’s probably the meanest thing I’ve ever said about anyone.
Meth might’ve eaten Aaron Carter’s face and any dignity he had in his being, but it didn’t eat the undying love he feels for Hilary Duff. Hilary and Aaron “dated” when they were just 13 years old and that was over 14 years ago, but every night he blasts “Come Clean,” crawls into his Lizzie McGuire sleeping bag and as he stares at the photo collage of her he pasted onto his ceiling, he faps while crying. My thoughts and prayers go out to Aaron Carter’s neighbors who every night have to block out the sound of him fap-crying while screaming out the lyrics to “Come Clean.”
Aaron has let it be known on Twitter before that he wants Hilary Duff back. And yesterday, the Romeo of Florida once again figuratively threw tiny rocks at Hilary Duff’s bedroom window when he re-tweeted a picture of her and then spilled out this declaration of love, which will later be used in court when Hilary Duff tries to get a restraining order against his ass.
Don’t be that stupid douche that loses the love of your life forever..
I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to better myself to get back to her.
I don’t care what ANY of you think.
That tweet just gave me an anxiety attack
..people who have no idea who I am and/or what I’ve been through.
If you’re that interested watch my interviews or google me.
At least I’m real and don’t hide behind the persona of being a celebrity and an entertainer, &try to portray positive feelings all the time
On a lighter note it’s almost Easter and I want tons of candy to eat!!
Lindsay Lohan probably DMed Aaron with, “Aw, I never stopped loving you either, got any coke?” But Aaron told one of his followers that he was talking about his childhood girlfriend Hilary Duff.
If you think it’s creepy that Aaron is still slobbering over a girl he dated when he was 13, then you’re obviously the kind of monster who shits on true love and stabs cherubs for fun. Because true love will always prevail! 50 years from now, Aaron will be laughing at all the haters who thought he was a creepy motherfucker while cuddling on the couch with his wife of 49 years Hilary Duff as they watch their grandchildren play on the rug. You know, I think I just described the scene that Aaron is going to daydream about in his jail cell after the cops catch him licking Hilary Duff’s dirty panties in her bedroom.
And welcome to your future, Justin and Selena.
As expected, Juicy Joe (more like Extra Juicy Joe because he looks like he chewed a piece of Willy Wonka’s three-course meal gum for breakfast) and his gorilla grifting partner Teresa Giudice of The Real Housewives of New Jersey did the walk of shamelessness into the Federal Courthouse in Newark, NJ this morning and pleaded guilty to fraud as part of a plea deal. Juicy and Teresa actually had to repeat the word “guilty” a few times, because the judge had a hard time hearing them over the sound of Melissa Gorga loudly fapping and cackling at the same time in the back row of the court room.
NorthJersey.com says that Juicy Joe pled guilty to 5 counts of fraud and Teresa pled guilty to 4 counts. Last July, they were charged with 41 counts of fraud for faking pay stubs and W-2s to get $5 million in different types of loans. Juicy Joe was also charged with not filing taxes from 2004 through 2008 even though he made around $1 million. They were facing up to 50 years in the chokey, but under the plea deal, Juicy Joe could sit in prison for at least 3 years and Teresa could be making fake tanner out of roach shit and orange peels in prison for 21 to 27 months. In my earlier post about this messiness, I said that there was talk that Teresa could only get probation, but apparently she’s looking at spending time in prison, so she should start practicing stuffing her coochie with the contraband rhinestone and gold accessories she’ll need to properly accessorize her orange jumpsuit.
Sentencing isn’t until July 8th and the judge doesn’t have to stick with the perimeters of the plea deal.
If Juicy and Teresa didn’t take the plea deal, they would’ve gone to trial on April 14th. Since most humans hate these two dumb bitches and the feds had mountains of shit on them, they probably would’ve been found guilty of many of the charges and Bravo would’ve had to fast-track The Real Cellmates of The Edna Mahan Correctional Facility For Women. So these two brain-dead con chimps really had no other choice but to take the deal.
I wonder where Juicy and Teresa’s daughters will go since they are bitch fighting with most of their family members. You know, if Juicy and Teresa left their girls in their big ass mansion to fend for themselves and the power, gas and water was eventually shut off and all they had to eat were wet leaves and a bunch of mice took pity upon them and started to care for them, they’d probably be better off than being raised by these two fuck sores.
Here’s Extra Juicy Joe and Greta Gremlin walking into court today. In Teresa’s defense, she did show the court that she’s not overspending like normal by wearing a coat she made herself with Juicy Joe’s shaved-off butt hairs.
During his acceptance speech for winning Best Supporting Actor at the Independent Spirit Awards in Santa Monica, CA yesterday, ageless vampire Jared Leto fanned the flames of the rumor that his luscious, highlighted locks have brushed up against Lupita Nyongo’s nipples maybe once or twice. Lupita was on Ellen last week and when Ellen asked her about the rumor she joked that Miley Cyrus’ yeast infection tongue broke up their love. But Lupita didn’t deny her chocha is screaming for Jesus after bouncing on Jared’s “hurts like Satan” dick. Then yesterday, while wearing one of Rayanne Graff’s old outfits, Jared picked up his trophy and thanked all the ladies he’s been with and all the ladies who think they’ve been with him including his future ex-wife Lupita Nyong’o.
I was going to say that I just want to smoke Jared’s locks since he obviously inhales so much of the good shit that his hair is filled with 100% THC, but apparently he doesn’t drink or do any drugs. Bitch is just naturally stoned. I can’t wait for Jordan Catalono’s Oscar speech tonight. It’s going to be a roller coaster of foolery. He’s going to take us high, he’s going to take us low and he’s going to take us beyond high when he thanks Rickie Vasquez. But you know, he might not even make it to the stage, because Jennifer Aniston might crash the red carpet and scalp him, because he has the hair she’s been dreaming of her entire life.
As for Lupita and Jared boning full-time, I hope they aren’t. But only because if they are, Lupita will have to hang around Jared’s true soulmate Uncle Terry all the time. Hanging around Uncle Terry all the time will fuck with someone’s sanity (see: JaredLeto).
Here’s more of Jared and Lupita at the Spirit Awards yesterday. Lupita won! Click here for all the winners.
One Grouchy Anonymous Oscar Voter Calls Meryl Streep’s Performance In August: Osage County “Bottom-Drawer”
Yesterday, The Hollywood Reporter posted their first of five “brutally honest” Oscar ballots from a voter and after reading it, I learned something new: Andy Rooney’s ghost is an Oscar voter! Because the Oscar voter they talked to sounds like a cranky, crusty ole’ grouch who wears two pairs of chonies all the way up to his nipples, only eats peach yogurt and yells at everything both living and inanimate. I think I just described myself in five years.
The Oscar voter (let’s call him Clint Eastwood, because that’s totally his name) is a longtime member of the Academy’s 377-member directors branch and he loved everything American Hustle, especially Jennifer Lawrence, and he wasn’t really impressed with anything else. He didn’t watch any of the shorts. The entire article is here, but below are some of his picks with his explanation. It’s best if you picture him saying all of this while throwing rocks at the neighborhood dog who’s sniffing on his front lawn.
His Best Picture pick: American Hustle
Why American Hustle and why not 12 Years A Slave: ….with 12 Years a Slave, you don’t even crack a smile, but it was interesting, admirable and well done; I must say, though, that contrary to what some have asserted, it’s not as if it required great courage to make that movie — maybe if you made it in Mississippi in 1930. As for American Hustle, its ambition is not overwhelming, but it takes an interesting subject and very interesting characters and delivers 100 percent on what could be done with it in a very engaging, entertaining, interesting and truthful way. I would not put it in the legendary masterpiece category, but it doesn’t fail on any level.
His Best Actor pick: Christian Bale, American Hustle
Why: Ejiofor was good. DiCaprio has been better; this is a popcorn performance. McConaughey was very good; he’s really doing some great stuff now, and I would give it to him for True Detective. Dern is a great guy and a friend and is excellent in the movie, and if I were not as taken by Bale’s performance as I am, I would have voted for him. But Bale had a much juicier role… It’s the role of a lifetime.
His Best Actress pick: Cate Blanchett, Blue Jasmine
Why: Blanchett has to win this. Bullock is the weak link — she’s just OK. For Streep, whom I love, this is a bottom-drawer performance. Dench is a terrific actress, and she’s very good in this film. Adams I love. But you have to vote for who’s truly the best, and to me, Blanchett — whom I’m normally not that wild about, with the exception of Bandits — is that. She was just a revelation; she was just spectacular.
His Best Supporting Actor pick: Bradley Cooper, American Hustle
Why: Everyone was at least very good, but Cooper was the best. I think this is the best he’s been in anything. If he wasn’t in the category, I’d probably end up voting for Jonah Hill, only because I found him so funny. Jared Leto was good and will win, but he’s getting tremendous points because of the person he’s playing more than the way he played it, which is as close to pandering as you can get.
His Best Supporting Actress pick: His boo Jennifer Lawrence, American Hustle
Why: Lawrence and Hawkins are the two obvious best of the five. Hawkins had a difficult part — it’s not an attractive role, and she’s intentionally overshadowed constantly by Blanchett, but she registers strongly in each scene she’s in. Jennifer was even better — she has that extra level of excitement in every scene she’s in. She just dazzles; she’s always doing something original and bold and surprising and believable. June Squibb was fine. Julia Roberts was horrendous. And Lupita was very good, but a lot of the commotion over her is attributable to people’s tremendous empathy with and sympathy for the role she’s playing.
His Best Director pick: David O. Russell for American Hustle
Why: David O. Russell, hands down. Steve McQueen made an admirable movie, but I don’t think it’s remotely as ambitious or good as his previous film, Shame. Wolf is like Casino and GoodFellas — fun, bubble-gum Scorsese. Payne — whatever. And Cuaron was part of a committee of technicians who made that movie, and I have seen things at the planetarium that were at least as impressive.
Pepaw can shade!
I wouldn’t call Meryl Streep’s performance as “bottom-drawer,” but I didn’t think she should’ve been nominated. (May a gold Oscar statue fall on my head.) Meryl didn’t only chew the scenery. She chewed the scenery, swallowed it, digested it, shit it out and rolled around in it. And I have to agree with him about 12 Years A Slave. That’s what surprised me most about it. I thought that a movie about a man getting drugged, kidnapped, torn apart from his family and sold into slavery would’ve had me rolling with laughter in the aisles. It’s weird how we all didn’t smile and laugh during that movie. “Speak for yourself, you little oriental beaner sissy boy!” – Paula Deen
And if most Oscar voters voted the way this dude did, then the emergency room better prepare a bed for me now, because I’ll be in a booze-induced coma halfway through Jennifer Lawrence’s acceptance speech.
“Desperate dumb fuck!” said Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jennifer Aniston in unison.
Superman’s former photo-op co-stroller Kaley Cuoco got engaged and married tennis player Ryan Sweeting within six months of meeting him face-to-face for the first time in both of their lives and she told David Letterman (via UsWeekly) last night that they both pressed the forward button on their relationship one second after their first date. Kaley Cuckoo claims that Ryan didn’t even know who she was and never saw the Big Bang Theory before they met on a blind date. Ryan flew into L.A. just for that blind date, so either she’s telling lies, he’s telling lies or he’s been hit in the head with a tennis ball one too many times, because everybody Googles a trick before a blind date, especially if they’re traveling for that shit.
Kaley told Letterman that she and Ryan instantly knew they were meant to be together forever and she took him home that night and he never left:
“We actually met on a blind date. I had never met him, and he had really never met me. He still tells me he had never seen the show, he didn’t know who I was.
He came to L.A. for a blind date — and he never left. We had been texting, we texted a little bit. Dinner was great, and then he moved in the next day. I know, it sounds so slutty, but it wasn’t! It all did move quite fast on paper, but we really did know…And I know you’re all thinking, ‘She’s nuts!’ I swear I’m not nuts. We just fell in love.”
Slutty? All of us slutty sluts should be highly offended! Moving a ho in the day after your first blind date is the complete opposite of slutty. Call it “beyond desperate,” “Hewitt-ey,” “stupid,” “crazy,” and “afraid of being FOREVER ALONE,” but I wouldn’t call it slutty. Every word that comes out of her mouth is like a hot pin stabbing into the rawest part of my nerves.
Everybody jokes about how lesbian and New Yorkers move in together fast (New Yorkers do it, because the rent is TOO DAMN HIGH), but they at least wait a couple of dates. But then again, if the dick is good (or my date’s name is Anderson Cooper), I’d move him in, give him my ATM passcode (joke’s on him when he tries to take out $200 and gets a slip with a laughing emoji on it) , let him eat from my stash of bacon jerky (not a euphemism) and I wouldn’t scream at him if he changed the channel from HGTV.
Here’s Kaley Cuckoo and her future ex-husband at LAX yesterday.
Over 5 years ago, Lindsay Lohn stole some chick’s $11,000 fur coat at 1Oak in NYC and last night somebody stole half of Kleptohan’s $75,000 fur coat at the same club. Oh Karma, I love it when you wink while blowing an air kiss at LiLo.
TMZ says that naranja-faced LiLo partied at 1Oak in NYC last night and she wore a two-piece fur coat worth $75k (so I’m guess it was originally worth $200k before LiLo dropped its value by wearing it). A quick second after LiLo left the club, she realized that she only had half of the coat and she immediately went back in to search her table for the other half. It wasn’t there. She called pretty much everyone who sat at her table to ask them if they had the other half and none of them did. The only dude LiLo hasn’t asked yet is some Seahawks player who was sitting at the same table as her.
My guess is that one of three things happened:
1. One part of the coat sacrificed itself for the other part of the coat. Part 1 gave up its freedom so part 2 could live a Lohan-free life. Both parts re-enacted the “I’ll never let go” scene from Titanic before part 2 crawled out of the club and got away from LiLo forever. Part 2 is now searching the subway stations for discarded hot dogs and dead rats to eat. But at least it’s free. At least it’s free.
2. LiLo stole it herself and plans to collect the insurance money.
3. The Seahawks player took it after he learned that the Super Bowl Asian hooker ring that LiLo and White Oprah were running got busted. He was afraid he wouldn’t get his deposit back so he took half of the coat for collateral.
It could be any of those, but I’m hoping it’s the first one and I’m hoping that part 1 gets away real soon and reunites with part 2. It’d be so nice to have a story with a happy ending.
The last trailer for Disney’s Maleficent was a pile of shit and it made it look like that mess of a movie was pasted together using leftover scenes from Slow White and the Huntsman and that CGI bukkake called Alice in Wonderalnd. The newest trailer, which was shat up during the Grammys last night, still looks Slow White’s CGI backwash, but it doesn’t look as much of a piece of trash as it did before. It’s obvious that St. Angie Jolie’s serious cheekbones steal the movie and they should get top billing. Those cheekbones could cut a whore up. Either they vacuum sealed St. Angie’s face some more so her natural cheekbones really popped or they made a rubber replica of Phoebe Price’s chicken cutlet cheeks and pasted them on St. Angie’s face. If Maleficent wanted to toss your salad, you’d have to wear armored panties with a hole cut out over your no-no or she’d slice your nalgas right up with those shankified cheekbones of her. In this version, Aurora probably pricks her finger on Maleficent’s cheekbones instead of on a spinning wheel’s spindle.
The new trailer also has Lana Del Rey’s cover of “Once Upon a Dream.” It’s typical Lana. She sounds like she’s singing it while lying in a hot bath after downing a bottle of red wine and a couple Lunestas. Maleficent probably skips the whole spindle thing and puts that Aurora trick to sleep by playing her this song.
While talking to E! News at the ABC TCAs a few days ago, Connie Britton turned that shit into an episode of Before They Were Stars when she said that Scandal’s Katie Lowes, who was also there, used to be her son’s nanny. After Connie said that, people (including Brandon who sent this in to me) who watched Katie on Jimmy Kimmel Live a few months ago suddenly got the image of Katie holding Connie’s baby over the toilet while making shit chanting grunts to lure the caca out of his butt. It’s a living, I guess. Katie told Jimmy that before she got the job on Scandal, she had a bunch of shitty jobs, but the shittiest job (punned on purpose) she ever had was working as a babysitter for a crazy-brained celebrity who didn’t like her baby wearing diapers. It wasn’t a medical thing. Katie said that cloth diapers were around for emergencies or whatever (Side note: If I was that nanny, it would be ALWAYS be an emergency), but she mostly had to rely on the baby letting her know that it was toilet time by making the face you make every time you watch an episode Keeping Up With The Kartrashians.
At the 1:15 mark below, Katie shits out the story and since she signed her name in blood on a non-disclosure agreement she wouldn’t give up the name of crazy bitch who won’t let her baby’s ass be imprisoned by Pampers.
I know a check is a check and I’ve done grosser and more painful things for less money (see: working as a telemarketer for about 6 hours), but damn. I’ll never know how Katie’s shit-summoning grunts didn’t turn into laughs. She should’ve just put on a Justin Bieber song, turned her head and held her breath. That baby’s butt wouldn’t have stopped barfing. Connie (whose ginger hair I just want to roll around on) might’ve outed herself as a member of The Anti-Diaper League, but I’m still not sure. I don’t know if Connie is the “hold my baby over the toilet and make him shit like a bird” type. Yeah, I’m going to go with Alicia Silverstone. Eat like a bird, shit like a bird.
Here’s Connie and her kid Eyob at LAX a couple of days ago.