Rick Santorum announced on Good Morning America today that he’s going to give the whole” running for president” thing another go. The last time he battled it out in the country’s bitchiest bitch fest, the entire Duggar family endorsed him. If it was legal for children to vote, Rick Santorum would’ve won by a landslide since there’s at least 10 million of those in the Duggar family. But Rick Santorum shouldn’t expect the Duggar women to stitch the words “Santorum Makes My Ovaries Tingle” onto their denim skirts this time around. Because while on GMA this morning, George Stephanopoulos asked Rick Santorum for his thoughts on the molesting pumpkin head and he pretty much spit out a frothy dollop of pure disgust. via Yahoo!
“I was sickened by it. I was just sickened by it,” Santorum, a Christian conservative who had the support of the Duggar family during his first presidential campaign in 2012, said. “I pray for those girls in particular.”
He added: “To have gone through that is … just hard to think about.”
Rick Santorum probably saw the giant load of backlash that splattered against Mike Huckabee’s mug when he raised his Team Duggar sign and said that he was supporting them. So Rick Santorum thought to himself, “Err, just say the opposite of what that other guy said.”
You’d think that since I ran for drama club secretary once (yes, I lost) I’d know a lot about political campaigning. I don’t, but I do know that if you’re a political candidate and someone asks you what you think about a child toucher, you should let them know you’re grossed out by making the hacking up sound a cat makes while heaving up a hairball on a rug. It’s really the only right answer.
And the good news for Rick Santorum is that since the Duggars won’t be following him around on the campaign trail like they did in 2012, he doesn’t have to use brain space on trying to remember all of their goddamn names.
The last time I wrote about Lindsay Lohan, she had only 16 days to do 115 hours of cummunity (typo and it stays) service. If she didn’t finish servicing the community by tomorrow, she’d face jail. No, really, the judge was planning to take her to a jail cell and make her face it while saying, “This is a jail cell and you’re totally going to end up in it if you don’t do your community service by the next hearing. I really mean it this time. Now, let’s go get martinis.”
TMZ says that LiLo supposedly achieved the impossible. She finished all her community service hours. Apparently, the prosector Terry White has already confirmed that LiLo completed all the hours she was supposed to complete. No word yet if she tried to pass off crap like “act in a play” and “let fans follow her around” as community service.
TMZ claims that LiLo did what millions of people do for decades and decades: she worked for 8 hours a day. She “worked” (read: showed the kids a triple feature of I Know Who Killed Me, Liz & Dick and The Canyons to show them what kind of decisions you make when you’re on the bad shit) at that children’s center in Brooklyn, an LGBT youth center and a women’s shelter. Promises Malibu better keep their Lindsay Lohan Suite vacant for her, because she’s going to need to check in and be treated for an extreme case of the tireds after working that much.
LiLo’s lawyer Shawn Holley will be in court tomorrow and is expected to prove that the freckled tornado of messiness did 125 hours of community service. If TMZ is right, LiLo will be off of probation for the first time in 7 years. Tomorrow the world may become a place where the justice system is free of Lindsay Lohan (for now). Once the judge takes a bolt cutter to LiLo’s probation shackles, I fully expect a naked Prince Hot Ginge to land crotch-first on my face as a vodka-pissing chartreuse unicorn flies out of my asshole, because we’ll obviously be living in a time when anything and everything is possible.
I’m about as musical as a dehydrated piece of rutabaga, but I’m thinking of starting a band just so I can call it Exotic Model Friend.
This past weekend, the Princess of Wasilla Bristol Palin (Side note: The next time I go outside and a snowball hits my head, I’m just going to assume that an angry bitch from Wasilla threw it at me from Alaska as punishment for calling Bristol Palin their city’s princess.) was supposed to walk down a moose rug runner to a Skynyrd song while wearing a custom-made Cabela’s camo gown, but that didn’t happen. Bristol hit the kill switch on her planned wedding to her fiancé of a second Dakota Meyer (the dude in the middle giving you lopsided Caesar cut) and it may or may not have something to do with him having a secret first wife. Bristol later claimed that she knew all about Dakota’s first wife and said he divorced her a while ago. Bristol didn’t say if her and Dakota’s love is now roadkill, but it looks like it is and it’s obvious her initials aren’t going to become BM (Bristol Meyer) anytime soon. Actually, if they did get married, Dakota should’ve taken Bristol’s last name so he could have the greatest initials ever: DP.
Sarah Palin burped out a statement saying that her family and Dakota’s family planned to turn the canceled wedding into a Memorial Day Weekend BBQ, because I guess they couldn’t get their deposit back. The BBQ happened on Saturday and many guests probably asked themselves, “Hmm, something is missing. Why am I not pulling out my cellphone to record an angry brown-headed chick beating a trick over the head with her UGG?” The answer is: Because Bristol wasn’t there!
I figured that if I’m going to post about another messy court battle, I might as well give you some man nipples. Just try to ignore the fact that those man nipples are attached to a smegma-covered dildo. Oh fuck it, just salivate over that Corona instead.
Entertainment Tonight says that on Friday, Superior Court Judge Lawrence Cho declared that Sofia Vergara’s ex-fiancé Nick Loeb can file an amended lawsuit against her ass in his battle for sole custody of the frozen embryos they made when they were still together. The revised lawsuit will include a claim that Sofia breached an oral agreement (which is my favorite kind of agreement behind an anal agreement) to bring the embryos to full term using a surrogate. Sofia was against the amendment lawsuit, because duh, she wants this fucked-up situation to be over. Sofia’s lawyer argued that Nick is just doing this for attention and is trying to get back at Sofia. Sofia’s lawyer also said that she and Nick signed a consent form that states they both have to agree before anything is done with the embryos. But the judge sided with Nick.
Nick’s lawyer echoed what he said in that New York Times op-ed piece and to the Today show. Nick believes those embryos are his daughters and he doesn’t want to destroy them or do what Sofia wants, which is to let them stay in a freezer forever.
When Nick first filed the complaint against Sofia in 2014, he filed as a John Doe and called her Jane Doe. Since everybody knows about this wreck of a situation now, he will file the amended lawsuit using their real names. Once he refiles, his lawyer and Sofia’s lawyer will go back to court for some legal custody embryo fight fun!
Nick is a crazy bitch with lots of money and lots of time, so I’m sure he’ll drag this out until it can’t be dragged out anymore. Sofia Vergara’s pussy game must be serious, because she’s got hos so wound up that they’re trying to keep her in their lives by taking her to court over embryos. Sofia’s lawyer should argue that Nick shouldn’t get sole custody of their embryos, because if those two embryos become babies, he’ll probably name them Onion and Crunch and that’s not only wrong, but it’s child abuse.
To quote myself after I downloaded a few One Direction songs and actually liked them: “I did NOT see this coming.” (And yes, that line was followed by: “God, I hate myself so fucking much.”)
Kelly Rutherford of Melrose Place (and also that Gossip Girl show nobody cares about) actually won a round in the messy, sloppy, wreck of a custody battle against her ex-husband Daniel Giersch over their fancy-named kids, 8-year-old Hermes and 5-year-old Helena. On Friday, a judge in California temporarily gave Kelly sole custody of her kids and ordered that she can bring them back to the US. That ruling came a day after Kelly went to Monaco to visit her kids and her husband refused to let her see them without handing over their US passports. During some bizarre ass interview with TMZ a couple of weeks ago, Kelly said that any American who brings her kids back to the US will be considered an American hero. Daniel used that against Kelly. He claimed that he’s afraid she will take their kids back to the US without his permission so he wanted their passports handed over. Hermes and Helena have been living with their dad in Monaco since 2012. He had to leave the US after his Visa got revoked, because someone (reportedly from Kelly’s legal team) told the State Department he was doing some shady shit business-wise.
People says that a judge in L.A. said that Hermes and Helena must come back to the US with their mom. The judge also ruled that Kelly doesn’t have to hand over their US passports to her ex-husband or a third party. But it’s not like Kelly can just immediately fly with her kids back to the US in time to have a Memorial Day BBQ. Monaco has to co-sign the California judge’s ruling.
UPDATE: TLC pulled 19 Kids and Counting from their schedule, but they haven’t officially canceled it yet.
As Josh Duggar shat up a statement where he admitted to molesting several underage girls when he was a teenager (and later prayed the pedo away), TLC really went for it by airing a marathon of 19 Paychecks and Counting. Obviously, the marathon was scheduled to air long before the world learned that Josh Duggar is even more disgusting than we all thought. But after Josh admitted it, you’d think that maybe, just maybe, someone at TLC would hit the abort button on that marathon and replace it with episodes of I’m A 600-lb Gypsy Bride And I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant With A Little Amish Medium. (That may or may not be a real show on TLC, but I’m pretty sure it’s real.)
TLC hasn’t said anything yet about what they’re going to do with 19 Kids and that’s making the butter in No Mama June’s veins boil. TLC dropped Here Comes Honey Boo Boo in the dumpster right after a picture came out of No Mama June hanging out with the convicted pedo who allegedly abused her own daughter Chickadee. Seen above hugging on a horse’s ass (“You’ll have to be more specific, because I see two horses asses there. Horse ass-to-horse ass!” – you), June the Hutt tells TMZ that she will hit TLC with a lawsuit if they don’t put 19 Kids And Counting in the trash. June moaned about how the cancellation of her show cost her hundreds of thousands of dollars and she wants that monies if TLC keeps the Duggars on the air.
When most of us want to feel opulent, decadent and carefree with our money, we pour some Andre into a plastic kiddie pool in the backyard. (Although, none of us do that, because why waste the sparkling piss of the Gods that is Andre?) But when Beyonce wants to feel opulent, decadent and carefree with her and Jay Z’s billion dollar fortune, she pours almost half of the national average salary into a hot tub during a video shoot. Maybe!
The fingers of Twitter did their daily Riverdance of rage on keyboards yesterday when someone pointed out that it looks like Beyonce is pouring a bottle of Armand de Brignac (aka Ace of Spades) into a hot tub in her and Nicki Minaj’s video for “Feeling Myself.” E! News says that a bottle of Armand de Brignac ranges from $300 a bottle to It Doesn’t Even Fucking Matter Because None Of Us Can Afford That Shit Anyway. One Twitterer believes that the exact bottle that Beyonce is holding costs between $10,000 and $20,000. “Bathing in it? How utterly provincial!” said Oprah while shitting into a diamond-encrusted platinum toilet filled with Ace of Spades.
As E! points out, Beyonce most likely got that shit for free since Jay Z owns Ace of Spades. So basically, this is free advertising for Jay Z’s overpriced booze and I’m falling for it. Dammit.
There’s a chance that Beyonce’s not even pouring out champagne. She could be pouring out water or the tears she collected from Jay Z’s ducts as he cried while reading Tidal’s monthly revenue report. If someone tracks down the actual location of that hot tub, I’m willing to investigate so we’ll know if we should be OUTRAGED!!! or not. And by “investigate” I mean stick a giant straw into that hot tub and suck everything up, because I’m a freegan when it comes to booze and it hurts me to see one drop of the sweet nectar go to waste. But you know, I’m sure the Beyhive already beat me to it. That hot tub is probably empty, because the Beyhive drank up all that dirty water since their God marinated in it for a minute.
IMPORTANT UPDATE TO THIS IMPORTANT STORY: Defamer says that the bottle Beyonce poured into that hot tub was probably only $300. All this talk about champagne is making me thirsty. If I only I kept a bottle of the finest champagne (read: Korbel) in my temperature controlled wine cellar (read: my refrigerator).
A couple of years ago, two messes of music hooked up with performance artiste Marina Abramović on projects, because I guess they wanted the HIGH ART cred. Marina worked with Jay-Z and Lady CaCa, and while she had good things to say about CaCa, she really didn’t have anything good to say about Blue Ivy Carter’s father. I hope that when the Illuminati comes for Marina for exposing their king, they decide to settle their beef with a staring contest, because she’d totally win that one.
Marina tells Spike Art Magazine that Jay came to her 2 years ago about adapting her work The Artist Is Present for his video for Picasso Baby. Some people stamped the word “SELLOUT” on Marina’s forehead for taking part in the video and she tells Spike Art that she only did it because Jay Z promised to help her build her art institute. But when the video (which took over 6 hours to film and included more damn cameos than the Bad Blood video) was done, he dropped her like he was Leonardo DiCatchAHo and she was a Victoria’s Secret model who just turned 25. Jay Z got what he wanted and didn’t even pay her with a fart.
“I am very pissed by this, since he adapted my work only under one condition: that he would help my institute. Which he didn’t.
The day before [the video shoot], he came to my office and I gave him an entire power point presentation and said: okay, you can help me, because I really need help to build this thing. Then he just completely used me. And that wasn’t fair. This is very different from Lady Gaga, for example, who has done great work for me. Just by having 45 million followers, she brought all these young kids into my public.”
Marina says that everyone involved in the shoot was completely used by Jay Z and they all walked away with nothing.
“And in the end it was only a one-way transaction. I will never do it again, that I can say. Never. I was really naive in this kind of world. It was really new to me, and I had no idea that this would happen. It’s so cruel, it’s incredible. I will stay away from it for sure.”
This is exactly why you should always follow the hooker’s rulebook or Judge Judy’s advice when doing a business transaction with anyone. Either get that cash upfront or make them sign a binding contract. If you’re going to suffer for over 6 hours by standing while watching Jay Z rap to a track in some gallery, you should make him promise that he’s going to drop a bag of gold coins into your donation box by signing his name in blood.
On two positive notes, at least Jay Z gave her credit instead of doing it Beyonce-style. And at least this video came out PT (pre-Tidal). Because if it came out now, Marina would have to pay a goddamn Tidal subscription fee to watch the video that she helped create.
On the left is I-G-G-Y in March and on the right is someone who is supposed to be I-G-G-Y at the Billboard Music Awards in Las Vegas last night.
When world-renowned Pig Latin rapper Iggy Azalea hit the pap stroll at the Billboard Music Awards last night, everyone asked, “Who dat? Who dat? No, really, who dat?” Iggy debuted her brand new face yesterday. Iggy admitted to getting a pair of silicone titty balls installed in her chest a few months ago and it looks like she had another date with a plastic surgeon’s scalpel. It looks like she told her plastic surgeon to give her the stage 1 Lil’ Kim. The Daily Mail has a few side-by-side pictures of Iggy’s old nose compared with her newly cinched, rotated and chiseled down schnoz. Since I’ve always got peen on the brain, her new nose kind of looks like a pencil dick with a mushroom head to me. It also looks like Iggy got shot up with all the Botox and had a chin implant shoved into her face. She now looks like one of the White Chicks in a fun house mirror.
My only response to Iggy’s new face is:
Just a week before McDreamy floated off to heaven on Grey’s Anatomy, there was a story in Page Six about how Patrick Dempsey was about to get fired, because he replaced Katherine Heigl as the resident cuntified asshole. Well, now InTouch Weekly and Radar say that Patrick didn’t only get fired because he was a diva. Patrick also got fired for allegedly putting his wandering peen into the poon of a much younger intern. Apparently, both Shonda Rhimes and Ellen Pompeo weren’t having it. I’m sure you didn’t read any of that, because you were too busy trying to trace McDreamy’s peen print with your eyes in that picture.
A source says that while Patrick was still with his now estranged wife Jillian Finke, he regularly fucked on a Grey’s intern. A source says that Patrick and the intern started doing it in August and when Ellen Pompeo found out, she told Shonda Rhimes and his wife whom she’s friends with. Shonda Rhimes has no time for married actors humping on her interns, so she killed his character off even though he still had a year on his contract. A source says that on top of Bill Clintoning an intern, Patrick also bitched and moaned about storylines and not getting enough screen time.
Radar’s source says that before he was fired, Patrick was suspended and the side piece intern was moved off of the set and into Shonda’s production offices. When Patrick came back from the time out corner, things didn’t get any better.
“There were lingering feelings of anger towards Patrick, and it was only getting worse. This is when he began showing up late, not remembering lines. Shonda had no other choice but to fire him.”
Patrick Dempsey’s spokeswhore stamped the word “LIES” on both Radar and InTouch’s story. InTouch had the story up this morning, but yanked it down a few hours later. Some figured that Patrick’s lawyers got to them, but InTouch’s editor tells Jezebel that nobody threatened them with a lawsuit. It was just a mistake. The story is still in their print issue. It was never supposed to be online.
If this is true, then Shonda Rhimes is the one who is clearly in the wrong here. Shonda is in the wrong, because she should’ve turned the cameras around a long time ago and shot the behind-the-scenes foolery instead of the show. The mess happening behind-the-scenes (see: This, Katherine Heigl, Isaiah Washington, etc…) is juicier and more dramatic than the show itself. Who cares about McWhoever and that Meredith chick? I want to see shots of Patrick walking out of his trailer while Febrezing his crotch, because he doesn’t want anyone to smell the intern cooch juices on him. I also want to see shots of the writers farting in Katherine Heigl’s Gatorade. Now THAT is some Emmy-worthy shit.
And I see you shameless sluts Googling the question: “What show is Patrick Dempsey working on right now and how can I be an intern on it?“