It’s been a little over a month since Roseanne Barr’s Ambien-powered tweetin’ fingers fucked with an easy check when her show Roseanne got canceled because she just couldn’t help herself and shat up a racist tweet about Valerie Jarrett. Since then, ABC has ordered a Roseanne-less spin-off of Roseanne called The Conners. And surprisingly, Roseanne hasn’t tried to prove that she’s not a racist by going away for a few weeks before hitting the pap stroll hand-in-hand with Al Sharpton while holding a certificate that shows she graduated with honors from Starbucks diversity training program. Instead of doing that, Roseanne bought a jumbo-sized bottle of glycerin tears at Costco and she’s been crying in interviews including one where she said that she’s been offered tons of deals to make her triumphant return to television and she’s very close to taking one. To quote my sister when I told her I couldn’t go to the movies with her because I had an actual date with an actual human man, “Sure, girl.”
A Judge Dared To Tell St. Angie Jolie That She’ll Lose Primary Custody Of Kids If She Doesn’t Let Them See Brad Pitt
St. Angie Jolie and Brad Pitt’s divorce battle royale has lasted longer than By The Sea (which was only 2 hours and 12 minutes, but felt like a 20-year coma which you pray you stay in so you don’t have to wake up to their overacting), and one of the major things they’re fighting over is the custody arrangement of their child army. Apparently, Angie has been “err” about sharing custody with the child army because she doesn’t trust Brad to not bust out another drunk dad meltdown. Recently, there was a rumor that Angie was pissed that she couldn’t move her kids to London where she’s filming Maleficent 2 because Brad didn’t want to leave Los Angeles. UsWeekly says that a new temporary custody agreement has been reached, and what the judge in the case said to Angie may cause horns to sprout out of her head before she wreaks havoc on the American judicial system. The judge spit at her for keeping the kids from their father, and threatened to rip primary physical custody out of her claws if she doesn’t play nice. As one of my favorite philosophers of 2010 said: Oh here go hell come!
Roseanne Barr should get on EdibleArrangements.com to send Samantha Bee a thank you arrangement for temporarily taking the heat off of her and giving her conservative followers a reason to RAGE at the left. To me, calling a black woman an “ape” and spitting the cunt word at a woman are far from being the same thing. But after Samantha Bee called Ivanka Trump a “feckless cunt” on her TBS show last night, some are comparing the two. Many conservatives, like conservative turned semi-liberal-for-pay Megyn Kelly, are disgusted with Samantha Bee, and the White House is calling for TBS to dump her ass. If having a filthy can’t-get-clean-mouth and using the cunt word gets you fired, then myself and over half of Dlisted’s commenters would all be seeing each other next Tuesday… at the back of the unemployment line.
Looks Like Meghan Markle’s Estranged Half-Brother Doesn’t Know Shit, Her Father Will Walk Her Down The Aisle
Either Meghan Markle’s estranged half-brother, Thomas Markle Jr., doesn’t know an ounce of shit, or Kensington Palace read his 100% truthful open letter to Prince Hot Ginge in InTouch and is doing some royal damage control! Definitely the second one.
Tom Jr. said in his handwritten open letter that Meghan Markle (seen above with her future granny-in-law before getting lap dances from Thunder From Down Under strippers at her hen party) is an ice-hearted demonic user who didn’t invite their dad to her wedding. But a shocking thing happened today. We learned that Tom Jr., who we all thought was the epitome of credibility, might not be that credible. Kensington Palace announced today that Meghan’s father Thomas Markle will be at her wedding and will walk her down the aisle.
Makeup artiste turned TV person Jeannie Mai, who is on The Real, announced last October that she and her husband Freddy Harteis, who hosts some hunting show on the Sportsman Channel, were done after 10 years of marriage. Jeannie said on her show that one of the big things that sent them to divorce lawyers was the fact that she has no interest in filling her womb up with a fetus and while they were dating, she made it crystal clear that raising human slobber machines is not a goal she has. Freddy married her anyway because he was in love, but later on in life, the baby-making jizz fish in his balls got cagey and he decided he really wants kids. So they ended it, and Jeannie said that she hopes he found happiness. Well, dude wasted no time in finding happiness and a lady to make a baby with. Because he’s going to be a dad.
When Miranda Lambert first started letting out orgasmic yodels as her cooze did the boot scootin’ boogie on Blake Shelton’s taken peen, he was still married to his first wife. They’ve both said in the past that despite him wearing a wedding ring, they couldn’t deny their tingles for each other. Blake and Miranda were together for almost 10 years before they split up in 2015, and some say both of their genitals wandered into the loins of another during their marriage. Blake quickly moved on to the most heave-inducing pairing since Jell-O and mayonnaise, and Miranda moved on to hospital name-sounding singer Anderson East.
Miranda and Anderson broke up earlier this year, and now InTouch and UsWeekly are saying that she’s hooked up with another country singer. This one’s named Evan Felker (yes, I almost typed Felcher, because that’s how my brain works) and he’s the lead singer of the band Turnpike Troubadours. Miranda and Evan getting together is making InTouch sing, “Laaaaaaaambert the shameless home wrecker,” because sources say he was still with his wife when they started doing it, and she was still with Anderson East.