According to Page Six, the blind items are telling lies. Giada de Laurentiis isn’t a swallower. She’s a spitter!
The Italian lollipop once told Health.com that people are always asking her how it’s possible for her to eat all that delicious food and stay as skinny as a parakeet’s pinky nail. Giada said at the time that she only eats a little bit of everything and doesn’t overstuff herself. But a source tells Page Six that when Tweety Bird’s human sister shoots her Food Network show, she doesn’t swallow anything and keeps a spit bucket nearby. Everything that goes into her mouth, comes out. Some source spit this out into Page Six’s bucket:
“When Giada films her cooking show, she never eats. Never. When she is making drinks and food that she has to drink or eat, they have a dump bucket that is brought out the second they cut. Sometimes when they are shooting her taking bites out of food like cake, they have an assistant take the bite (so you only see teeth and a mouth), and then they cut back to her taking an empty fork out of her mouth to resume filming. She does not eat at all while filming.”
Giada’s rep, Stephen Huvane (yes, Jennifer Aniston’s Stephen Huvane), spit at Page Six’s story. Stephen says that Giada does eat her own food, but sometimes they shoot three episodes in one day “and they do multiple takes on a close-up of her eating. She doesn’t always eat and swallow every time, since they can do sometimes six to 10 takes with three episodes a day, and that would be like eating six to eight meals a day.”
“She doesn’t always eat and swallow every time” is the new definition of TOO EASY.
Don’t they all do this? Well, all of them except for Guy Fieri who definitely swallows all that crap. But other than him, I thought all TV food tricks were spitters. That’s why watching those food shows is painful sometimes. I know that they didn’t finish the dish and probably spit that food into a bucket. What a waste. Since Alicia Silverstone is living that green life and cares about reducing waste, she should volunteer to be a human bucket on cooking show sets. After the take, the host can bird feed her the food they chewed up and then she can bird feed it to her son. Nothing will go to waste!
While some of us (who obviously don’t love ourselves enough) are attached to an IV drip full of vodka as we shame watch Fifty Shades of Shit in the back row or a movie theater on Valentine’s Day, the Duggar and Kirk Cameron set will be swooning out of their long denim skirts while watching the two main hos passionately side hug in the conservative Christian answer to Fifty Shades called Old-Fashioned. I know, I thought there was already a religious version of Fifty Shades. It’s call Twilight. But seriously, isn’t 19 Kids and Counting already a Christian version of Fifty Shades? But instead of Jim Bob pulling a tampon out of Michelle, he pulls a baby out and instead of her getting whipped in the ass with a leather belt, she gets whipped in the ears with the sound of her 19 kids screaming.
Old-Fashioned is basically A Walk To Remember’s backwash. It’s about a virgin who doesn’t believe in dating and the free-spirited girl who challenges his beliefs in love and GOD. After watching that messy trailer, I have a feeling that the ending is going to be fifty shades of awkward. It’s going to be weird when toward the end of the movie, the chick meets the dude for a reading date and finds a baby in Converse, because that dude’s obviously got that Benjamin Button’s shit. That boyish haircut, hoodie and Converse ain’t fooling anyone.
Rik Swartzwelder, the movie’s writer and director who cast himself in the lead role even though he’s way too old for that shit, says in the beginning of the trailer that they’re “picking a fight with Fifty Shades” and gave me the image of Christian Grey dick slapping him in the nose.
“Clearly, we’re picking a fight with Fifty Shades. We’re not only picking a fight, we’re picking a fight with the schoolground bully, likely to get our nose busted in two. … Love and romance are created by God and designed to lead to marriage and physical intimacy. … I find it impossible to not believe that, deep down, we don’t want to celebrate something more than Fifty Shades.”
Never mind that dude is only calling his movie the anti-Fifty Shades, because it’s the only way he’ll get mainstream attention for that shit, it still looks better than Fifty Shades. The trailer also gave me more tingles too. Blame it on the Christian Benjamin Button blowing out that marshmallow flame.
Apparently it’s disgraced TLC star day at Dlisted! First we have Mama June from Here Comes Honey Boo Boo lying about seeing her sex offender boyfriend, and now we have Buddy Valastro from Cake Boss getting busted for a DWI. What’s next, a leaked sex tape starring Camille from Say Yes To The Dress? NO! Camille is a classy lady! She would NEVER!
According to TMZ, the boss of cakes was pulled over around 1am Thursday morning after cops saw a yellow Corvette swerving around 10th Avenue in Manhattan. A spokesperson for the NYPD says that when they approached the car, it was pretty obvious that Buddy was drunk; his breath smelled like booze and his eyes were all red and blurry. Then when they asked him to step out of the car, Buddy’s feet started doing the hard shit shuffle (aka he failed a sobriety test), so they took his ass to the station where they booked him for drunk driving. Boozy Valastro stayed at the station until late this morning. I wonder if at any point during his incarceration he drunkenly looked over at the dirty toilet in his cell and said “Hey, I made one of you out of cake once!”
I’m not shocked that someone like Buddy can’t handle his booze. Buddy has been working around cakes for most of his life, so his internal organs are most likely 90% fondant by now, and everybody know that mixing sugar and booze is bad news! Even if he was drinking straight alcohol, it’s going to turn into mind fuck punch by the time it hits his stomach. Come on Buddy – anyone who’s ever poured a bottle of vodka into a jug of Sunny D knows that sugar and booze will make you do some dumb shit!
Taylor Swift wants all of us to know that she knows we think she’s a Kennedy-obsessed, pretty boy stalker who lives in a fancy castle full of bored, white animals and goes full Alex Forrest on a dude who does her wrong. The video for Tay Tay’s new single “Blank Space” is supposed to be a parody of herself, but please. This video was obviously put together with actual security camera footage from Taylor’s mansion. This is a Taylor Swift documentary!
The video starts out with Taylor of Sunnybook farms living a picture perfect rich girl life with her pristine white pussy Olivia Benson, her magical animals and her WASP prince of a boyfriend. They spend their days living in a Kennedy wet dream by bike riding in the fancy living room, frolicking in the gardens, riding white stallions and doing all the things that Tay Tay definitely does in real-life on a daily basis. It’s all pretty white animals and garden picnics until she catches her man texting some whore and the deranged Skipper doll we all know comes out. She tortures him with a voodoo apple (which they picked together during one of their apple picking trips, duh) and tries and fails to recreate Angela Bassett’s legendary and inspirational “Bernadine’s Rage” scene from Waiting to Exhale.
There’s something missing in that video… At the very end, Taylor should’ve gutted her man, pulled out his bones and veins, made a guitar out of that shit and then used that bones and veins guitar to write a song about how he’s an asshole piece of shit who fucked her over. But other than that, that music video is spot-on and typical Tay Tay. Taylor really gets Taylor.
And more importantly, what does Queen Aretha think about Taylor’s new video?
A few months ago, when the self-proclaimed founder and empress of the lifestyle game Martha Stewart was asked what she thinks of Blake NotSoLively’s Anthropologie parody blog called Preserve.us, she said she hadn’t looked it. And when Martha was asked what she thinks about Blake wanting to be her, she dribbled this out:
“Let her try. I don’t mean that facetiously! I mean, it’s stupid, she could be an actress! Why would you want to be me if you could be an actress? I just did a movie yesterday, though — I can’t even tell you about it — but I want to be Blake Lively.”
Some bitches, like this bitch, took that as Martha throwing some subtle hate at the Eve Harrington to her Margo Channing and some took it as Martha throwing a compliment at the dried piece of jicama who wants to be her. Well, if Martha was shitting on Blake, then she played nice at her 3rd annual Made In America Summit in NYC yesterday. A knocked up Blake hosted a one-on-one interview with her rich blonde lifestyle goddess icon where they talked about Preserve.us. The interview was taped by doctors at the New York Sleep Institute and will be shown to patients suffering from extreme cases of insomnia. If that shit won’t put them to sleep. Nothing will.
In between talking about overpriced vintage teaspoons and chamomile ice cubes, Blake slobbered on about how Martha is the only trick she’s okay with creeping on her husband. via People
“When we met Martha, she was like, ‘I’ll ride motorcycles with you, Ryan,’ ” Lively told the audience at Stewart’s Third Annual American Made Summit event on Saturday.
“That’s the only woman that can creep up on my man and I would be okay with it.”
I bet that horny ass Martha Stewart wants to ride “motorcycles” with Ryan and now she will since Blake NotSoLively’s cool with it. So if Blake came home one day and caught Martha Stewart dropping her it’s-a-good-thing pussy game on Ryan Reynolds’ dick, she’d scream and say, “MARTHA! I made a kumquat and saffron tart this morning and once my husband’s done busting a nut up in you, can you taste it and tell me if it’s nearly as half as good as yours?”
Meanwhile, Martha’s rival Goopy Paltrow was nowhere to be seen at the Made In America Summit, because she was across the ocean hosting a much better and prestigious event called the Made In Europe Summit.
Here’s Blake showing up to and leaving Made In America yesterday.
Daddy Spears finally got his shit together and managed to hire a member of Hollywood royalty (we are talking about Susan Saint James here) for the title of Brit Brit Spears’ newest chaperone/boyfriend/doggy bag holder. Just two months after Normal Guy Dave got pink-slipped and took his ass to the back of the unemployment line, Brit Brit has started hanging around Charlie Ebersol, seen above in costume (I fucking hope) at his 30th birthday party 2 years ago. Charlie is the son of big-time TV producer Dick Ebersol and Susan Saint James. I know, Daddy Spears moves fast.
E! News says that Our Lady of Cheetos and this Charlie Ebersol dude met through “friends” and have been dating for only a few weeks. Some source dribbled this out:
“He is the sweetest guy ever and they are very much enjoying getting to know one another. They are both very happy and having fun. It’s just the beginning so no idea if it will become serious but right now they are having a lot of fun together.”
Charlie’s dad conceived Saturday Night Live with Lorne Michaels and he was the head bitch of NBC Sports for a while. I’m assuming everybody learned about Susan Saint James in American history class, so I’m not going to tell you all the stuff she was in. Charlie followed in his father’s producing footsteps and recently produced a non-trashy reality show called The Moment which helped people get a second chance at making their career goals come true. The show was special to Charlie, because he survived a 2004 plane crash that killed his brother Teddy.
Charlie also used to bump nipples with Sophia Bush and Maria Sharapova.
I don’t even know what a member of Hollywood royalty (again I’m saying that because his mom is Susan Fucking Saint James) and a member of hillbilly royalty have to talk about? Probably Breaking Bad. That’s usually what straight people talk about, right? If they don’t, it doesn’t matter. Talk is cheap when you’re one of Brit Brit’s contract pieces. All Charlie has to know how to do is order a Frapp, hold a Cheesecake Factory doggy bag and busy himself while she watches Frozen on her phone in between courses at Buffalo Wild Wings. I hope Daddy Spears signed Charlie to a long-term contract so that he can take Brit Brit home to meet his mom and Susan Saint James can inject some much-needed culture into her by showing her How to Beat the High Co$t of Living.
And here’s Brit Brit looking like she just got a shot of Botox in the mug and nips while leaving VONS yesterday.
Well, close up the polls, cancel election day and send everyone home, because what’s the point of voting now that benevolent high priestess of the universe Dame St. Angie Jolie has told Vanity Fair that in addition to saving the world, keeping the busted wig industry alive, training her child army for their eventual takeover of the planet and making room in her trophy vault for dozens of Best Director Oscar statues, she may cause the collapse of democracy by getting into the politics game. St. Angie running for political office would cause the death of democracy, because every single candidate would drop out and when we’d go to vote, the only category on the ballot would be for Dictator of YOUR LIFE and the only voting option would be Dame St. Angie Jolie. You’d have to vote in blood, of course.
During an interview about Unbroken, Vanity Fair’s Janine di Giovanni asked St. Angie if she’s interested in being a politician one day. The former president of the International Home Wreckers League tells Vanity Fair that she isn’t totally shitting on the idea of running for office:
“When you work as a humanitarian, you are conscious that politics have to be considered,” she tells di Giovanni. “Because if you really want to make an extreme change, then you have a responsibility.” Jolie then catches herself. “But I honestly don’t know in what role I would be more useful—I am conscious of what I do for a living, and that [could] make it less possible.”
In di Giovanni’s last meeting with Jolie, however, Jolie’s opinion seems to have shifted. When directly asked if she sees herself pursuing a life in politics, diplomacy, or public service, Jolie says, “I am open.”
“I am open” is the only thing every politician and wannabe politician needed to hear. George Clooney just divorced Amal Clooney, because his political dreams are over now that St. Angie is “open” to running and he doesn’t need the picture perfect politician’s wife anymore. Hillary Clinton just shredded the presidential acceptance speech she’s had on file for years and is going to make her way to Scrunchies ‘R Us to ask for an application. Chris Christie just resigned and got a job working in a bridge toll booth.
And everyone’s moving out of the White House to make way for President Dame St. Angie Jolie and her family. But Joe Biden can stay, because First Husband Brad Pitt needs a tokin’ partner.
Goopy Paltrow was the host of last night’s amfAR Inspiration Gala aka the LOOK AT MY TITS EVENT (or in Goopy’s case, LOOK AT MY CHEST BONES EVENT), which means that guests gobbled up a delicious and filling spread of dehydrated organic dragon fruit seeds, laxative-tinis and Jennifer Lawrence’s double filtered tears. Dozens of guests are currently being treated at Cedars-Sinai for the coma they fell into after overdosing on lethal loads of meh and smugness and that could mean only two things: Chris Martin performed and Goopy introduced him!
While looking like an un-breaded, greasy fishstick in costume as a Robert Palmer girl, Goopy introduced the master of doctor waiting room music with this dose of eye roll fuel:
“This brilliant singer-songwriter has sold 8 million records, has won every single award that there is to be won, especially Father of the Year, which he has won consecutively since 2004. I am speaking of Chris Martin and the incredibly talented Jonny Buckland, who together make up one-half of the legendary band Coldplay.”
Yeah, I’m sure he wasn’t a ten-time Father of the Year a couple of weeks ago when he was threatening to expose their children to something worse then all the diseases in the world, CARBS, by constantly hanging around human carb monster Jennifer Lawrence. I haven’t seen video of Goopy’s intro, but I’m sure she had a look on her face that clearly said, “Haha, Jennifer Lawrence, the air kisses that blow out of Chris Martin’s anus hole belong to me again!”
I’m sure these two will be consciously coupled again by New Year’s. Or until Goopy completely disinfects Chris Martin’s peen of all the canned cheese he used as lube when boning JLaw.
I recently watched a gay porn where one dude was giving another dude a facial and the dude getting a facial acted like cold, old oatmeal was going to come out of that dick. His mouth said, “Oh yeah, give it to me,” in a monotone voice, but his facial expression said, “Can we get this over with, because Scandal is on tonight and I want to stop at Trader Joe’s to get some wine.” If UsWeekly (via The Daily Mail) is telling the truth, then the Fifty Shades of Shit sex scenes are about as awkward and un-sexy as that gay porn scene I watched.
Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson were back in Vancouver last week for re-shoots (pictures below) and a source says they reshot a lot of the fuck scenes. The source says that in the original footage they shot, Dakota lies there like a week-old dead fish and the producers weren’t into it, because they’re making Fifty Shades of Grey, not The Kim Kardashian Story.
A source who works on the set told Us Magazine the original shots weren’t passionate and the directors were disappointed by the stars’ lack of chemistry. Another source accused Johnson of not playing her role “sexy enough”, and that her character should be “naive, not a dishrag.”
But a different source tells E! that producers are happy with the footage they have, but they just wanted more filler footage. Uh huh, I bet they wanted him to filler with his footage.
I thought that Anastasia Aluminum Foil chick was supposed to be a dish rag? I thought that if a fairy godmother appeared in your kitchen and turned that old dish rag under your sink into a human, it would look like, act like and be named Anastasia Steele. Isn’t she supposed to lie there like a snoring sloth as Christian Grey whips her with her tampon or whatever? If the producers want the movie’s sex scenes to be “passionate,” then methinks they hired the wrong actress. They should plop a mousey, dishwater brown wig onto the head of Dakota’s mother, Melanie Griffith, and get her to be her daughter’s sex scene double, because she knows how to do a sex scene. Better yet, they should flush all the footage they have into the toilet and reshoot the whole thing with Melanie and Don Johnson in the lead roles.
Oscar Pistorius Gets Five Years In Prison For Killing Reeva Steenkamp, But He’ll Most Likely Be Released A Lot Earlier
Seen above holding in a snot stream of sadness he planned to release for the cameras if the judge actually hit him with the maximum punishment, Oscar Pistorius was finally sentenced today for shooting his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp to death through a toilet room door. Judge Thokozile Masipa, who found him guilty of culpable homicide (which is basically manslaughter to us hos in the US) last month, sentenced him to 5 years in the clink. To put that time in perspective, it took me longer to read The Guardian’s entire article about his sentencing. Oscar faced a maximum sentence of 15 years in the chokey, but since he’s a rich, famous athlete, if that happened we’d all be flying through the universe right now, because the earth’s core would’ve exploded.
Before sentencing, prosecutors asked the judge to hit him with 10 years in jail and Oscar’s lawyers asked for community service and house arrest. Judge Masipa told the court that she believed her sentence was fair:
“A non-custodial sentence would send the wrong message to the community. On the other hand, a long sentence would also not be appropriate either, as it would lack
the element of mercy.”
Element of mercy? Oh yeah, that’s what was missing from Oscar’s brain when he shot through that door three times.
After the judge gently slapped Oscar on the wrist, Reeva’s family told the BBC that they believe justice was served and they’re ready to move on. Oscar’s uncle told reporters that his nephew “will embrace the opportunity to pay back to society.”
Just because Oscar was sentenced to 5 years in jail, doesn’t mean he’s going to be locked up for 5 years in jail. He’ll most likely be released really early for good behavior. Oscar’s lawyer thinks he’ll spend 10 months in jail before serving the rest of his sentence on house arrest in his fancy house. Prosecutors believe he’ll serve 2 years in jail. He was also given a three-year suspended sentence for a firearms charge and he must turn in all of his guns and his gun license.
The International Olympic Committee hasn’t said anything about this, but the International Paralympic Committee has banned him from competing for 5 years. His Olympic career is probably done, so now he can spend all his time on fancy house arrest writing a book titled “IF I Murdered Her.”