Around three weeks ago, serial bride Pamela Anderson filed papers to legally quit her third husband Rick Salomon AGAIN and I figured it was because her pussy got the yawns and was ready to find another peen to marry. But in the wise words of Kim Kartrashian’s life stalker Naya Rivera, “True love always prevails!”
Like a hep c rash that refuses to fully go away, Pamela and Rick’s love has flared up again. The Canadian American rose and the pokah playa who looks like the butt fuck baby of Dean McDermott and KFed are vacationing in Sardinia, Italy together and yesterday they touched mouths on the balcony and she proved she really loves him by giving his hairy tits a quick breast cancer check. Pamela filed to divorce Rick just days after he won $2 million in a poker tournament and I thought that was a move worthy of the Gold Digger Hall of Fame. So I’m not sure why she’s back with his ass? Maybe he’s got a few more poker tournaments coming up and she’s hoping her divorce settlement grows. Or maybe it truly is real love (HA!). I always thought that Pamela marrying Wonky McValtrex’s sex tape partner again was like putting on a used condom. Maybe Pamela has realized that she loves that used condom feeling and doesn’t want to let it go. Dirty, kinky bitch.
Because America is the land of the sue-happy hos, the lady whose face got swatted by Tim McGraw after she got handsy and ripped his jeans during a show in Atlanta has hired a lawyer and in a SHOCKING turn of events, the lawyer isn’t Gloria Allred. But the woman got herself a lawyer and she’s probably getting ready to slap Tim McGraw in the face with a lawsuit if he doesn’t slap her in the face with a giant check.
TMZ says that the woman, Jesslyn Taylor, let Tim McGraw’s team know, through her lawyer, that she’s not going to take a swat to the face and walk away. Jesslyn hasn’t officially filed a lawsuit or asked for money yet, but it’s obvious that she’s looking for cash. She claims that she was just an overexcited fan who wanted to touch him and she didn’t deserved to get slapped down. Jesslyn swears she wasn’t going for his dick. The Atlanta PD looked at the video and told TMZ that they’re on Team Tim, because it’s clear that she was the aggressive one and he was just protecting his crotch. The cops said at the time that they’d thoroughly investigate the whole thing if she filed a complaint. She never did. A few days after Tim swatted Jesslyn, he said some words about it to ET Canada and didn’t say much while doing so:
“Sometimes things can lose context and perspective. I reacted in an instinctive, defensive way from my perspective of what was going on. I think it was an unfortunate situation I think all the way around. But it happened, it happened in a split second, it was pure instinctive reaction, I think you just got to move on. It is one of those things that happen, nobody feels good about it, but there’s nothing that could be done about it. You are in that position, you are out there, you are vulnerable, things happen and sometimes you react. There’s nothing to be said about it.”
Jesslyn claims that not only was she slapped, but she was also kicked out of the show and feels humiliated. She wants an apology from Tim and by “apology from Tim” I’m guessing she means that she wants him to make it rain all over her.
So recap: Jesslyn gropes Tim’s leg twice, gets swatted for it and now she’s the one who wants money for pain and suffering? If Tim gives her a dollar, expect the “grope body, get slapped, sue a bitch” scheme to be the new easy scheme of easy schemes. The thing is, I don’t even know why Tim slapped her. All he had to was whistle for Faith Hill and she’d run out and bark at Jesslyn to death.
Jesslyn threatening to sue is ridiculous, but if she does file a lawsuit and states that “Truck Yeah,” the song that Tim was performing when he swatted her, brings her emotional distress and she wants it erased from earth, I’m all for her ridiculous lawsuit!
Here’s the swat video if you missed it the first time around:
In “THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION” news, a California pilot who once worked for John Travolta claims that the darling of Scientology loves dick and the two had a great, big six-year-long gay love affair in the 80s. I know, what other anal bead-clutching SHOCKING revelations is this pilot going to hit us with? Is he going to tell us that the rug on John’s head is made of skinned papillons and that every Friday night he performs Barbra Streisand’s greatest hits in the Scientology bath house? I need to hold onto something sturdy, because I don’t think I can take it.
John’s alleged former gay lovah, Doug Gotterba, wants to make a quick check by writing all about his time with John’s Scientolohole in a new book. John’s lawyers tried to put a stop to the tell-all, but it didn’t work. The Hollywood Reporter says that an appeals court judge in California ruled on Tuesday that John can no longer try to stop Doug from exposing their gay love in a book. John’s lawyer Marty Singer claims that Doug signed a strict confidentiality agreement in 1987, but Doug’s lawyer claims that document is about as authentic as John’s hair. The judge ruled in Doug’s favor and spit out this stream of legal words:
“Although the prelitigation letters may have triggered Gotterba’s complaint and may be evidence in support of the complaint, they are not the basis of the complaint.
[To hold otherwise] would lead to the absurd result that a person receiving a demand letter threatening legal action for breach of contract would be precluded from seeking declaratory relief to determine the validity of the contract. Declaratory relief would be limited to situations where the parties have not communicated their disagreement.”
Translation: Doug can write about doing butt sex with John Travolta.
Doug tells The National Enquirer (of course) that he first met John in 1981 when he interviewed for a pilot job. John gave Doug the job and later gave him other jobs if you know what I mean (and yes, I stopped typing for a second to make the hand signs for “hand job” and “blow job“). Seven months after he got the job, he and John were boyfriends. For years, they traveled all over the world together and Doug claims he’s the one who told John he should get a beard. John took his advice and started dating Brooke Shields.
“Sometimes he’d bring women along as beards, but he would ask me to join him in his suite and we’d spend the nights together. It was our little secret.”
They broke up sometime in 1986, because Doug says that John was a jealous mess and kept accusing him of doing other dudes. John’s lawyer, who has a canned “deny the gay stuff” statement on file, called Doug’s story a ridiculous lie.
Doug claims that he has proof! Doug kept logs and records! Marty Singer can suck on that, because logs and records are solid proof! When I write my tell-all in a few years about how Anderson Cooper and I have had a 10-year-long gay love affair and together we adopted a ginger baby named Rojo Jr. who was raised by her au pair Shauna Sand in the back room of an In-N-Out, everyone will know I’m telling the truth, because I’ll have logs and records as proof. Logs and records!
Hos making a dollar by selling out the celebrities they boned is nothing new and neither are tales of John Travolta’s Scientolohole, but I’m still all for this non-scandalous tell-all as long as it eventually gets made into a Lifetime movie co-starring Teddy Bear the Porcupine as John’s wig. Teddy Bear really needs a breakout role.
Lana Del Rey, the character played by Elizabeth Woolridge Grant and created with her rich daddy’s money, tells Complex that she tried to fuck her way to the top, but giving dudes in the industry a taste of her Pepsi-Cola pussy (“Eh, tastes more like a bland and flat Pepsi knock-off bought at Big Lots.” – every industry dude who’s tasted her Shasta Cola pussy) didn’t even put her on the first step of the ladder. During her interview with Complex, the world’s first fully functional comatose patient was asked if her song “Fucked My Way Up To The Top” is a commentary on people thinking she fucked for a record deal or if she really did use her coochie to get ahead. Blahna Del Meh said that it’s commentary, but she has dropped her twat on a lot of music industry dick.
There are a few different ways to take your song “Fucked My Way Up to the Top.” Is it about people not wanting to give you credit for your success? Or is it about fucking people to get to the top?
It’s commentary, like, “I know what you think of me,” and I’m alluding to that. You know, I have slept with a lot of guys in the industry, but none of them helped me get my record deals. Which is annoying.
Help me, I’m beginning to like Lana Del Rey again. I love it when a ho, even a fictional one, admits that she tried to sex her way to success, but failed, because it was kind of impossible for the industry dudes to sign her to a record deal when they were in a deep coma after putting their mouths on a giant, human Ambien pill. But Lana is doing some grade A trolling as always, because why would she need to suck dick for record deals when she’s got her daddy’s millions? That song should’ve been called “My Daddy’s Wallet Bought My Way Up To The Top-ish.”
Boning old, gross dudes for the possibility of a record deal is one thing (I mean, I’ve boned old, gross dudes for a lot less), but how she can explain fucking current day Axl Rose after getting a record deal? I’m guessing that the only thing she got out of that is the recurring nightmare of the Crisco and coke-infused sweat drops from his bloated ginger Wilford Brimley face splashing her in the eyes as he did her missionary-style.
I haven’t watched the first episode of LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian’s “semi-scripted” dried turd of reality show on Vh1, because I am a disgusting, gross, easy pig slut when it comes to TV (and everything else) and I should try to have SOME standards. I recorded LeAnn & Eddie, though, and when I’ve gone into my DVR to play an episode of quality television like Dating Naked and Topless Prophet on Cinemax, it stares at me like a wet, oozing herp sore on a short, soft peen. I can’t bring myself to watch it. Apparently, I’m not alone, because Deadline says that the first episode of The Home Wrecking Squints was watched by 374,000 viewers. To put that number into perspective, Grumpy Cat was on QVC at 7 in the morning yesterday and more hos probably watched that shit (and sadly, I was one of those hos). LeAnn & Eddie were beat by Dog with a Blog, an episode of Seinfeld and COPS. Deadline says that Vh1′s Dating Naked got 826,000 viewers, but when LeAnn Rimes’ “melting Play-Doh figurine of a demon pony” face popped up after it, everyone turned their TVs off.
The rest of VH1’s new programming on VH1 might have wanted to strip down a bit to do better. Coming after the 551,000 who watched the debut of Candidly Nicole, the 10:30 premiere of Leann And Eddie was seen by a total 374,000 audience of 374,000. The former was up 51% from last quarter among the 18-49s with 325,000 watching while the later up just 19% over the last quarter’s average in the time slot with 252,000 viewers in the demo.
To recap: more than twice the number of hos who suffered through LeAnn & Eddie watched a show with a bunch of naked people. For the love of humanity’s eyeballs, don’t let that give Falkor ideas!!! (Eddie, okay, but not Falkor!) And poor Eddie’s probably going to have to take his side pieces to the Super 8 instead of the Hilton. LeAnn probably cut his allowance, because she needed the money to buy 374,000 TVs and 374,000 different cable connections. You didn’t think 374,000 actual people watch that wreck, did you?
And here’s Falkor looking like a horse skeleton in lazy Stevie Nicks drag while protecting the peen she paid for at the Luli Fama fashion show in Miami yesterday.
A few years ago, Faith Hill verbally slapped a trick with a speech about ~CLASS~ when that trick grabbed at Tim McGraw’s balls during a show in Louisiana. Well, 7 years later and hos are still grabbing at Tim McGraw’s goods, but this time, Faith Hill wasn’t there to let a handsy slut know that her husband’s crotch fruit is only ripe for her picking.
TMZ posted two videos of the buff piece of hairless daddy jerky yodeling out his song “Truck Yeah” at a show in Atlanta on Sunday. After Tim sashays into a sea of hands, one of those hands grabs at his leg and I guess that hand didn’t get what it wanted, because it went in for a second time and during the second time, she ripped his ripped jeans some more. Tim is either real serious about his jeans or he felt like that trick was about to give him a “turn your head and cough test,” because he swatted her hand away before playing a quick game of Patty Cake on her face. That scene is a country song come to life. Face slappin’ and jeans rippin’. Throw in a cryin’ baby and a cheatin’ bastard and it’d be the new country anthem. Tim’s rep told TMZ that the fan wouldn’t let go of his leg and he only swatted her away so he could keep it moving:
“Tim was singing out in the audience and someone firmly grabbed onto his leg and wouldn’t let go as he was moving through the crowd. He instinctively swatted to try to keep them from ripping his jeans (which they succeeded at doing!), and so he could get to more fans who could slap hands with him before the end of the show.”
Everyone involved in this is a mess. That chick is a mess, because we all learned in kindergarten that if you can’t keep your hands to yourself, sit on them. Just because she paid $15 for a Tim McGraw ticket (I’m guessing that $15 is what the most expensive ticket at a Tim McGraw concert costs and if it’s any more than that, chick should slap herself) doesn’t mean she can feel him up whenever she wants. It’s not a petting zoo, bitch. The 14-year-old in me is also cringing at her ripping his jeans, because the 14-year-old in me would spend hours on the living room floor meticulously adding perfect rips to my jeans like I was Michelangelo painting the Sistine Chapel ceiling (it was the 90s). Tim is a mess, because yeah, he should’ve swatted her hand away, but did he really need to slap her in the face? (“YES!!!!” – 14-year-old me taking a break from meticulously adding perfect rips to my jeans)
We can spend HOURS arguing who is the messiest in this situation, but instead of doing that, let’s come together and agree that our ears are also victims here, because we forced them to listen to a few seconds of “Truck Yeah.”
TMZ says that Rosie O’Donnell has officially signed on to The View and next season she will check back into the crazy coop of insane pecking hens. ABC wants Rosie back, because they think she’ll rise The View out of the wet shit puddle of stupidity that Jenny McCarthy and Sherri Shepherd left. Rosie wants to go back to The View, because she misses making Donald Trump cream out of his b-hole with her opinion and she also needs the check so she can keep doing Lucifer’s work (read: buying more CROCs).
TMZ says that Rosie and ABC were negotiating for a few days and they finally shook hands on the deal yesterday. They’re supposed to make an announcement any second. So far Whoopi and Rosie are the only hos sitting at the table next season. The producers are looking for two more and they want a Latina (CAST CHARO!) and a conservative (CAST JAN CROUCH!).
I don’t know about this, Rosie on The View just isn’t going to be the same without that human version of a hyena’s shrill-cry Elisabeth Hasselcrack. Who is Rosie going to make cry? I hope they at least put a stuffed Hasselcrack doll next to Rosie so she can gnaw on its face and yell at it when she gets the rage.
And I’m sensing a theme….
Whoopi had a talk show in the 90s and Rosie O had a talk show in the 90s… I really hope the producers makes all my 90s dreams come true by filing The View with an all-star cast of lady hosts from 90s talk shows next season. Jenny Jones and Rolonda better crawl out from whatever rock they’ve been living under and call their agents (if they still have one of those)!
SiriusXM nearly caused hos to die of SHOCK last night when they announced that they pink-slipped Anthony Cumia of the Opie & Anthony show after he went on a racist, messy Twitter rant. In case you’re looking at me like, “The hell are you going on about?” (Side note: You probably do that often), Anthony claimed he was taking scenic pictures of the gorgeous scaffolding in Times Square one night (but he was probably taking creep shots) when a lady walked into his shot and didn’t like him taking a picture of her. Anthony claims that she punched him and a bunch of black guys helped her out by beating him up some more. He didn’t scream for the police or anything, but he did use his fingers to shit out a rant where he called her a “cuntrag bitch animal pig face,” (that sounds like the name of a punk rock Miss Piggy and Animal tribute band) said black people are “savages,” said she’s lucky he didn’t shoot her with the gun he carries and said that he hopes a “homeboy beats her to death.” Among other things…
Anybody who has listened to Opie & Anthony probably blinked a few times, said “oh” to themselves and continued to sip their lukewarm tea, because he’s been saying crap like that for years. Most figured that Sirius wouldn’t do a thing. But since Anthony’s latest Donald Sterling-approved rant got a lot of attention, Sirius fired him to take the heat off of their asshole. Sirius celebrated the 4th by declaring independence from Anthony Cumia. They released this statement to Buzzfeed last night.
SiriusXM has terminated its relationship with Anthony Cumia of the Opie & Anthony channel. The decision was made, and Cumia informed, late Thursday, July 3 after careful consideration of his racially-charged and hate-filled remarks on social media. Those remarks and postings are abhorrent to SiriusXM, and his behavior is wholly inconsistent with what SiriusXM represents.
If you take the “bullshit” filter off that statement, it would read: “This dumb motherfucker is out there spewing the racist crap we paid him a lot of money to spew on one of our shows FOR FREE. What’s the point of paying a subscription for the racist stuff you can get on Twitter at no charge?”
Anthony already responded to this on Twitter and can’t believe he was fired for doing something that isn’t illegal.
Sirius decided to cave and fire me. Welcome to bizarro world. Fired for shit that wasn't even on the air & wasn't illegal. So, who's next?
— Anthony Cumia (@AnthonyCumia) July 4, 2014
Anthony does have a point. If you ever get fired for coming into work drunk and for taking a nap under your cubicle desk, immediately call Olivia Pope, the police and Larry H. Parker. Because you can’t get fired for doing something not illegal and morning drinking and napping is totally legal. This is America.
We’ve seen this all before. He’ll be back. He’ll get another show and I’m sure it’ll be on WET (White Entertainment Television) whenever Paula Deen, Donald Sterling and Phil Robertson get around to launching it. And I bet Anthony wishes Sirius Black owned SiriusXM, because if that was the case, his ass would’ve gotten a $1 million raise.
Beyonce Posts A Perfect Family Portrait Days After She Might’ve Called Out Jay-Z’s Wandering Camel Dick
Last weekend, Beyonce changed a few lyrics in her song “Resentment” during a show in Ohio and some thought it was her way of yanking on Jay-Z’s slut whore cock and letting everyone know that she doesn’t approve of him camel humping every trick he comes across. Beyonce never issued a statement about that claim, because only uncreative, basic peon fools issue regular, old statement of words. Real artistes respond through ART! So yesterday, Beyonce posted two pictures to her site of her, the slutty camel and the deity that Jesus prays to every night, Blue Ivy Carter (in a matching dress, of course), at the Kara Walker exhibit at the Domino Sugar Factory in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Beyonce dressed herself up like the perfect, little Stepford Wife.
Once again, I have to ask, WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN!!!?!
Did Beyonce do herself up like the perfect, little 1960s housewife, because she’s telling everyone that Jay-Z is a controlling husband who expects her to be his subservient woman? After Jay-Z comes home after a long day of sticking his whore dick in side piece after side piece, does he expect Beyonce to have dinner (that was prepared by their in-house chefs) on the table and his home to be in pristine condition (thanks to the team of maids) and Blue Ivy Carter fast asleep in her solid gold manger after her weeknight nanny Michelle Williams sang her a lullaby? Is that what Beyonce’s trying to tell us? That Beyonce is the Julia Roberts to Jay-Z’s Patrick Bergin? Blink three times if you need help, Beyonce. Blink three times.
No, Beyonce’s not that deep. She probably dressed like that, because Tina Knowles programmed her to wear that dress with those shoes.
You didn’t need Beyonce to tell you through one of her songs that Jay-Z has probably spit his camel saliva on his side piece’s crotch before riding that trick raw, but she’s going to tell you anyway, because she’s got a tour to sell. Rumors of Jay-Z’s wandering dick antics have been around since the beginning of Bey-Z time, but ever since Basement Baby tried to commit camel slaughter (call PETA!) in an elevator, more rumors have popped up. If anyone can take a rumor and stretch it out for maximum attention, it’s Beyonce. So during her and Jay-Z’s show in Cincinnati, OH on Saturday night, Beyonce perked up the ears of the BumbleBeys when she changed a few lyrics in her song “Resentment” (video below, starts at around the 3:25 mark). The Mirror says that Beyonce changed the lyrics “been riding with you for 6 years” to “been riding with you for 12 years” which is how long she’s been riding the camel. The STUNT QUEEN of Dereon also changed this lyric:
I gotta look at her in her eyes and see she’s had half of me.
To this lyric:
I gotta look at her in her eyes and see she’s had half of me. She ain’t even half of me. That bitch will never be.
Beyonce can fuck herself in the ass with that “half of me” shit. She has a lot of nerve singing that when “Resentment” was originally sung by Posh Spice. And Beyonce doesn’t even have half of the nightingale vocal skills that Posh Spice has and she never will.
BUT WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?!
Well, it could be one of two things. This could be another calculated move from Beyonce and Jay-Z and they’ll keep dropping hints like this throughout the tour and during the final show, she’ll serve him divorce papers while singing “Irreplaceable.” Or Beyonce is letting Jay-Z know that he better keep his sluttin’ ways on the down low or she’ll leave a trail of hay from his dressing room to the bottom of the basement stairs where a whoopin’ ass-ready Basement Baby will be waiting for him.
But in more important news, why the hell is Beyonce wearing a wedding outfit? Bitch, you ain’t Miss Havisham.