If you asked Kathy Griffin or anybody else who has backstage stories about “the real” Ellen DeGeneres, they’d tell you that she shouldn’t be a multiple Daytime Emmy winner for Best Talk Show Host. She should be a multiple Daytime Emmy winner for Best Actress, because the sugar-coated sweetheart of niceness she plays on her talk show Ellen is far from the real Ellen who can make Satan cry for his mommy and cause the Grinch to squirt out real tears with just one extra-sharpened shank eye. Ellen did an interview with The New York Times to promote her Netflix stand-up special and admitted that she plays a nice-ified version of herself for the retiree, stay-at-home mom and unemployed crowd, but says that the stories about her being an ice cold demon from the Ninth Circle to her employees is as laughable as my mom saying, “I think Ellen’s a great dancer!”
Satan Is Freezing His Ass Off Today, Because Angelina Jolie And Brad Pitt Have Agreed On A (Possibly Temporary) Child Custody Agreement
Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were married from August 2014 to September 2016 when she took a sledgehammer to the holy kingdom of Brangelina by filing for divorce. They’re still married, so their divorce fight has lasted longer than the damn marriage, and that’s mostly because they’ve been shanking at each other over custody of the child army. It was reported that St. Angie wanted full physical custody of their six children with Brad getting visitation rights (a St. Angie source later claimed she didn’t want full custody, uh huh).
Because St. Angie and Brad kept fighting over the custody situation and couldn’t agree on what to do, they were headed for a trial on December 4. Story after story came out about the trial, and some said they both were trying to avoid it while other sources said that Angie was slathering her face with holy water-infused Crisco and was ready to fight Brad in court and drag him for being a bad dad (who turns the friendly skies into the RAGEY SKIES!!! by drunkenly yelling at the kids on private planes). But we’re not going to hear stories about how a judge was struck down by God’s lightning bolt for having the audacity to disagree with St. Angie about something, because she and Brad have signed their names on a custody agreement. An agreement that would be confidential if something called “sources” didn’t exist.
When Stormy Daniels refused to let Trump and his goons label her as a lie-telling whore (“I’m a truth-telling whore, thankyouverymuch” is probably what Stormy would say), she teamed up with lawyer Michael Avenatti and the two became a talk show wet dream team who furiously worked the circuit in the name of Justice4Stormy. They stuck together through bad times (like when Stormy was arrested in a shady sting for doing what Stormy does at a strip club) and disgusting times (like when Stormy made all of us spit out the deep fried mushrooms we were eating by saying that Trump’s dick look like it should be wearing a blue and gold vest and a too-tight diaper). But it looks like the legal honeymoon may be over.
Samantha Markle better update the address of the half-sister who’d rather wear a coat that doesn’t sell out immediately than talk to her, because the next time she brings the paparazzi along to try to get into Kensington Palace, shit is going to look extra embarrassing for her since Meghan won’t be living there anymore. Just a month after it was announced that Prince Hot Ginge and Prince William are breaking up their offices at Kensington Palace, we learned that PHG and Meghan won’t be P. Willy and Duchess Kate’s neighbors anymore since they’re moving off to a quaint, little 10-bedroom cottage in the suburbs early next year. This is very good news for Prince George, because his delicate royal ears will no longer constantly be punched with the irritating sound of Meghan’s faux English accent, and he can turn his uncle’s old place into a giant closet for all his Mary Janes.
As everyone and their Thetans know, Anti-Scientology Warrior Queen Leah Remini has made a second career out of calling out the head bitches of the Cult of L. Ron Hubbard for the way Scientologists have been treated while in the group of L. Ro worshipers and after leaving it. Leah has really gone in on the Jesus of Scientology, Tom Cruise, and called him “diabolical,” said he’s untouchable in Scientology, and that he could easily bring down the Crazy Kingdom of E-Meters if he wanted to (which I’m sure he doesn’t since he’s probably addicted to the feeling of a thousand tongues up his Scientolohole). And now Leah’s saying that he could also rip Suri Cruise out of Katie Holmes‘ arms for talking to her.
I’m sure that as soon as Duchess Meghan and Prince Hot Ginge officially became heir-producing machines by getting married, THE QUEEN would greet Meghan by sniffing her crotch for possible period blood fumes, and would regularly pop up at the foot of their bed with a bottle of Spanish Fly, a bluetooth speaker blasting some Barry White, and a sparkle in her eye that says, “Time to make the squishy squishy and give the monarch another royal.” Because Meghan’s job, besides brushing her hair 500 times until it’s princess perfect shiny and selling out clothes, is to pussy pop out another royal. Well, some think that Meghan may be close to fulfilling that job requirement just a few months after getting married.