The day after Beyonce made Rudy Giuliani clutch all of his pearls over her “shocking anti-police” performance and Coldplay nailed their “Up with People on Valerian” impersonation at the Super Bowl, Rolling Stone released their new issue with Chris Martin’s face on the cover. During the interview with Rolling Stone, Chris called his divorce from Goopy Paltrow “weird” and “wonderful” (those two human “ughs” deserve each other) and he also talked about his ex-wife’s bestest friend in the entire world Beyonce for a little bit.
Whoopi Goldberg, your messy auntie who makes you wish you brought straight-up crack to smoke on Thanksgiving when she opens up her mouth at the dinner table, has been the head pecking hen on The View for almost 10 seasons now. Anybody who still watches it (and yes, I still watch it, because it gives me a reason to drink on a weekday morning) knows that Whoopi stopped giving a fuck about that job years ago. Whoopi is the kind of employee who will go into the fridge in the break room, eat someone’s yogurt with a note that reads, “DO NOT EAT, THIS IS EMILY’S YOGURT,” on it and admit to doing it. Whoopi don’t care, and now apparently executives at ABC are beginning to think that she’s daring them to put a pink slip in her bong.
A source tells Page Six that Whoopi makes $5 million a year and she’s currently on the last season of her 4 season contract. Whoopi may be trying to get out of her contract early by getting fired, because she’s apparently been acting as pleasant as a fist job from Edward Scissorhands. The source spilled this out:
The actress and host, now in the final year of a four-year contract, last year reportedly created a scene when she paraded around saying, “I’s a work for ABC, who is my master. I’s a slave to ABC. It’s ‘12 Years a Whoopi’ at ABC, referring to the movie 12 Years a Slave.
Whoopi has been so antagonistic, she’s constantly at war with management. It’s so bad that some execs think she’s daring them to fire her so she can go off and do other things, particularly after her ‘slave’ outburst. She knows if they did fire her, they’d have to pay out her contract and she’d be paid $5 million for doing nothing.
Whoopi loves the money, but she doesn’t want to work so hard anymore. She doesn’t come in prepared, she doesn’t really engage with other panelists and guests. She gives some one-liners and moves on. Her contract is up at the end of this season, and even if she does renew, it would be for significantly less money.”
Whoopi’s brains really are made of burnt shank weed if she screws up that gig. Bitch is living the dream. She gets to stumble into work stoned and brain fart up her thoughts about a subject without doing any kind of research or having any kind of knowledge on it. I wish I had that job! Oh…wait…
Why do I have a feeling that Miley Cyrus can’t keep a housekeeper? Every time she licks the floor, they quit on the spot, because they don’t work with boric acid and know that’s the only kind of shit that can get Miley’s tongue smegma out of natural stone.
Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth have been back together for about 15 minutes and they’re really making up for lost time. They got re-engaged and she also bought the place next to his. Curbed says that the hillbilly gender fluid chipmunk already owns a $3.9 million house in Studio City and a $5 million ranch in Hidden Hills. She recently paid $2.5 million for a 4 bedroom, 1,384 square foot house that is right next to Liam Hemsworth’s place in Malibu.
TMZ says that Miley’s house is going to be her main house and she bought it because Liam’s place doesn’t have room for all her crap and her 5 dogs. Liam always has friends staying with him so Miley bought the 60s elementary school-looking ass house next door. Miley and Liam may put their places together and make one giant estate in the future.
Who knew that the hillbilly chipmunk took relationship tips from Taylor Swift? The good news for Liam is that since Miley has her own place, he doesn’t have to worry about walking into his kitchen and finding Billy Ray Cyrus eating his Corn Pops because Billy Ray’s place was fresh out of them and Miley was late with paying her family’s allowance again. But the bad news is that if the impossible happens and Liam and Miley’s unbreakable love eats shit, they’ll still be next door neighbors and that won’t end well. It’ll end with Liam having to take his new girlfriend to the ER after a rabid Miley infected her with rabies while attacking her on the driveway in a jealous rage.
Today In “Because Of Course,” James Franco Will Direct A Movie Version Of That Twitter Stripper Saga
If you were on the Internet at least once last October, you most likely filled your brain with the 148-tweet saga of Hooters girl/stripper Zola (real name: Aziah Wells) who went on a ho trip to Florida that ended in pimp-on-pimp murder. Zola’s Florida tale of ho’ing gone wrong went so damn wide that not too long ago I saw someone at a restaurant wearing a “HOEISM” t-shirt. Before everyone read Zola’s ho shit saga in October, she tweeted the story twice but deleted it. She wanted it to get more attention so she tweeted it a third time in October, and added some fake shit for dramatic effect (the pimp shooting someone, Jarrett trying to kill himself, etc) and tried to tell it in a funny way. Bitch got her wish, because it touched a million pairs of eyeballs and now it’s being turned into a movie.
Back in November, Rolling Stone went to Detroit to meet Zola and get the real story behind the night where she and “this white bitch” Jessica went to Florida to make some extra money stripping but ended up in all sorts of fucked-up situations. (“Pfft, that sounds like a slow night in Florida,” said every trick who lives in Florida) Zola told Rolling Stone that besides the murder and suicide stuff, most of it was true. Jessica did have a crazy pimp and ended up hooking. However, Jessica told Rolling Stone that a lot of it was made up and Zola was the one who sold her pussy to johns. Rolling Stone’s article titled “Zola Tells All: The Real Story Behind The Greatest Stripper Saga Ever Tweeted” will be adapted into a movie, and of course, James Franco is directing and starring it. Deadline says that writers Andrew Neel and Mike Roberts will write the script. No word if Zola is involved at all, but she did tweet the news.
If you listen really closely, you can hear a million people screaming, “I called it,” at once, because everyone called this. Everyone with a brain who read Zola’s story just knew that James Franco was going to find away to get involved. And we all know how this is going to go. James Franco is going to play the pimp, Vanessa Hudgens is going to play Zola, Ashley Benson is going to play Jessica and they’re going to call it Spring Breakers 2: Vibing Over Hoeism.
When Amanda Bynes’ one-time face idol and Rob Kardashian’s only friend Blac Chyna got arrested at Austin-Bergstrom International Airport on Friday night for causing a booze-induced scene on a plane, cops found two ecstasy pills in a sunglasses case in her purse. Blac Chyna got hit with a felony drug possession charge on top of a public intoxication charge. Blac Chyna admits to being more drunk than me while babysitting (Reminder: Don’t ask me to babysit), but she says that the pills in her sunglasses case weren’t hers. They were the black kid’s pills! I can’t believe it’s 2016 and that Lindsay Lohan quote still takes up real estate in my brain.
TMZ says that the two pills were tested and cops discovered they were MDMA. Sources say that Blac Chyna swears on her Fix-A-Flat ass that the pills aren’t hers and she wouldn’t even know where to buy ecstasy pills from. Blac Chyna is suspicious, because she says that nowadays hos stick with MDMA powder and people no longer do pills. (“Ho, please” – some stuffed animal backpack-wearing 40-year-old raver who can’t let go of the 90s.)
Blac Chyna admits that she didn’t pack her own bags for her trip. Her assistants usually pack for her, but they weren’t there at the time. So somebody else packed her bags and she thinks that trick is responsible. She’s not naming names.
Sure, we can all pull out our Detective La Toya™ brand magnifying glass so we can get to the bottom of who packed Blac Chyna’s bag, but we don’t need to. It was obviously Pimp Mama Kris wearing a silicone FUPA, a whole lot of Dunkin’ Donuts perfume, a fake beard and amazing socks while in disguise as Rob Kardashian. But we do need to pull out our magnifying glass for a different reason. We need to pull it out to solve an even bigger mystery: Why in the hell does Blac Chyna have assistants?
After Kanye West dragged Amber Rose’s kid into a stupid Twitter fight with Wiz Khalifa and Amber Rose exposed Kanye West’s worked-over b-hole and Kanye West farted up a non-apology, the not-at-all scripted feud ended with a meeting of the fame whores at Pimp Mama Kris‘ devil chambers last night.
Early this morning, Amber Rose and Kim Kartrashian (looking like a rubber Big Mouth Billy Bass in Predator drag) both posted the same picture on Instagram and they both used the STUNT QUEEN filter, I see. They each threw up their own caption with the pic:
TMZ (Who else?) says that Kummy Kakes called up Amber Rose yesterday afternoon and asked her to meet her at Pimp Mama Kris’ lair so they could put their giant bouncy ball asses together and squash their beef for once and for all. TMZ’s source says that Amber met Kim at PMK’s Haus of Evil last night and they talked for a while (read: they read the lines PMK wrote for them in front of Keeping Up with the Kardashians’ kamera krew) and eventually put an end to their feud. They’re supposedly good now. Three things:
1. I’m surprised this storyline was so short. I was expecting Pimp Mama Kris to drag it out for at least 2 seasons.
2. Amber Rose better have made PMK pay her in cash, with a valid money order or with a plastic surgery gift certificate. Because PMK is the kind of wicked succubus who’d cancel Amber Rose’s check as soon she finished shooting.
3. I’m sure that in between filming their makeup scene for KUWTK, Kim took Amber aside and asked for some finger boning tips. I mean, Kanye’s tip doesn’t even get a little moist when Kim tries to prostate milk him, and he always lovingly looks at pictures of Amber Rose’s fingers while wiggling his butt…..
And Amber followed up her little fame whore stunt with Kim by going to newly-freed Blac Chyna’s party at a strip club.
To which the world screamed, “DUH!”
I’m sure any of us can name dozens of instances of people in Hollywood and the fashion industries getting opportunities handed to them because they fell out of a famous cooch. One of those examples is Posh and David Beckham’s 16-year-old Brooklyn Beckham and it’s got professional photographers mad. Brooklyn’s little brother Romeo Beckham modeled in Burberry’s Christmas campaign last year and The Guardian says it was a big hit. So Burberry hired non-professional photographer Brooklyn Beckham to shoot the campaign for their fragrance Burberry Brit. Both Burberry and Brooklyn announced it on their Instagram pages last week. The shoot happened this past weekend and Brooklyn posted pictures from it on his Instagram page. Some photographers who have been in the game a while aren’t happy about it and they burped up their thoughts to The Guardian.
Fresh off from shoveling snow off of the driveways of Oscar voters in the Northeast (he didn’t do that, I think) and personally delivering 200,000 bottles of water with “Vote 4 Leo” on the label to Flint, Michigan (he didn’t do that either, I think), Leonardo DiCatchAHo took his ass to the Vatican to meet up with the ~cool~ Pope. Pope Franny is probably thinking to himself, “Bless this thirsty trick’s heart…” And Leo is probably resisting the urge to motorboat that big, white chichi on the Pope’s head.
Leo is really making sure that when he wins the Oscar next month, he can say, “Thanks, God,” and mean it. Leo had a quick kiki with God’s Catholic ambassador inside of the Apostolic Palace at the Vatican today and I’m sure he asked the pope to pray for him to win that Oscar, but ABC News says he was mostly there to talk about climate change. Before they got into that, Leo gave Pope Fran Fran a book of works by the 15th-century Dutch painter Hieronymus Bosch. Leo told the Pope that a copy of Bosch’s “Garden of Earthly Delights” hung over his crib as a baby (File that under: Things that explain everything).
Leo used that painting to move into the topic of the environment. Leo is slick:
DiCaprio said he thought the painting also represented Francis’ environmental concerns.
Francis’ encyclical Laudato Si (Praise Be) has been embraced by environmentalists for its denunciation of the world’s fossil fuel-based economy and its demand for greener energy sources.
An assistant then handed Francis an envelope and explained it was a check for the pope to use for charity works “close to your heart.”
Di Caprio, nominated for an Oscar for his role in “The Revenant,” is a longtime environmental campaigner who in 1998 launched his Leonardo DiCaprio Foundation to support initiatives aimed at sustainability.
I can hear some of you cynical whores saying that you bet Leo traveled to Vatican City in a private jet, a helicopter and a Hummer, but think again. Sources tell me that Leonardo traveled from New York to Italy on the back of a whale and he got to the Vatican by taking a piggyback ride on Lukas Haas, thankyouverymuch!
RiRi’s first album in 3 years ANTI has been the Great Pumpkin to her fans’ Linus van Pelt. RiRi’s fans have been sitting in the patch with their thumbs in their mouth holes waiting forever for her new album to show up. It’s been a year since she put out that campfire sing-a-long shit FourFiveSeconds (featuring WILSON FUCKING PHILLIPS and some others) and everyone thought that was supposed to be the official single of her album. But when the song went nowhere, she was like, “Errr, PSYCH, that’s not the single,” and it took us fourfive seconds to forget about it. RiRi followed that up with Bitch Better Have My Money (complete with a video featuring a tied up Hannibal) and American Oxygen. RiRi kept releasing songs but the full album was nowhere to be seen.
Just when everyone was beginning to think that ANTI is the Chateau Sheree of albums and is never going to be finished, Billboard reported last night that it will come out this week. And early this morning, RiRi hoped that fourth time’s a charm when she released her album’s “first official single” Work. Work swept up on the shore through Tidal where it was exclusive for about 2 seconds before it ended up everywhere and was eventually released on iTunes.
On Work, RiRi speaks in Patois and Wheelchair Jimmy wheels in to sing on it. I’ve only listened to the song twice, but it’s so repetitive that “work work work work work” is already stuck inside of my brain and that’s a confusing message for my naturally lazy self since all I want to do is nap nap nap nap nap.
And that radio announcer should be jailed for using the words “pop emergency.” The only time those words should be used is when Stacey Q, Hoku, Cece Penniston, Martika and Samantha Fox form a pop supergroup.
After Amy Schumer’s HBO special happened, some people accused her of being the Beyonce of comedy, because they think that her bit about fuck acts was ripped straight from the late Patrice O’Neal’s act. Amy said at the time that she’s never seen Patrice’s bit and she didn’t rob a dead man of his jokes. Well, over the weekend, three comedians accused Amy of using their jokes in her HBO special, her show Inside Amy Schumer and her movie Trainwreck.
Comedians Tammy Pescatelli, Wendy Liebman and Kathleen Madigan all tweeted about how they’re over Amy Schumer Xerox’ing their jokes and using them for her own stuff. Refinery 29 says it all started when Wendy Liebman tweeted (and later deleted) about Amy doing one of her best jokes in her HBO special. Comedian Chuck Martin nudged at Wendy to talk to Kathleen Madigan since she also believes that Amy jacked her ass. Tammy also jumped in and tweeted that Amy is pretty much Carlos Mencia with tits (well, bigger tits).