Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar’s fourth-oldest daughter Jinger Duggar is only 22 years old, but in Duggar years that’s practically ancient. She’s only got a few more years before her uterus shrivels up and lays back in a rocking chair to watch Matlock reruns while trying to open up hard candies. So Jinger better git on that, and she is!
It’s been a little while since we’ve heard any kind of noise from the 20-car pile up crash that is Johnny Depp and Amber Heard’s divorce fight. For a while there, all we could hear were the sounds of his team screaming, “She’s a gold digging hussy liar skeezer!“, her side screaming, “He’s a drunk, cracked out junkie wife beater!”, and Pistol and Boo howling, “Stop the madness!” But then it got as quiet as an empty theater on the opening night of Mortdecai. And Johnny Depp’s team wants to keep it that way.
Because there’s a part of me that’s a retired grandma named Nana Jean who still subscribes to Reader’s Digest and drinks her morning Sanka with a nip of Bailey’s, I watch every hour of Today every single weekday. Natalie Morales has been my favorite for a while and she’s one of the few on there who doesn’t either make me fall asleep or roll my eyes out of their sockets. So I was not amused when I learned that Natalie and Alfred E. Neuman’s insufferable brother Billy Bush are switching gigs. Natalie has moved to California to takeover Access Hollywood and Billy Bush has moved to NYC to join Today. After I did the wall slide of sadness over the news, I did wonder if the rumors about Matt Lauer and Natalie had something to do with it. Apparently, people at NBC wondered the same thing.
And no, I don’t mean that she polluted it by getting in it.
Not since that one king threw himself into the ocean after thinking that his son died while trying to kill a roided-up man bull (aka the Minotaur) has the Aegean Sea seen so much drama. Lindsay Lohan celebrated her 30th birthday in Mykonos, Greece last week, and no LiLo party is complete until she’s dragged out of that bitch kicking and spitting after getting into a fight with her piece. LiLo’s one-time employer The Sun says that my pick for Britain’s new PM and her Russian trust fund fiancee Egor Tarabasov got into a messy tussle in front of 70 guests (including her leech dad Michael Lohan, The Curious Case of Ali Lohan and Egor’s mom) at a beach club in Mykonos.
When buff giraffe Calvin Harris and yodeling giraffe Taylor Swift pinky swore to keep the details of their relationship between them, she was obviously crossing her fingers behind her back, because DUH. Trick has hit songs to write. But Calvin may also have been crossing his fingers behind his back, because he may have spilled some shit on Instagram yesterday.
Very early this morning in his basement studio, DJ Calvin Harris sadly sat in front of his computer and pulled a Taylor Swift by using his broken emotions to bust out a sad song of betrayal using sick (but yet melancholy) beats. The heart that lives inside of Calvin Harris’ muscled-up, waxed chest immediately broke into a thousand pieces after he saw those pictures of his girlfriend of 15 months (which is 97 years in TTT: Tay Tay Time) getting into a loved-up photo-op with Tom Hiddleston on the rocks in front of her beachfront Rhode Island mansion. A single tear of betrayal threw itself out of Calvin’s eye and slid down his cheek as he thought about how he used to be the one who starred in staged photo shoots for attention with Taylor. And yes, Calvin’s heartbreak EDM song will be called “You Broke My Heart On That Rock (On That Rock).” Katy Perry will do the vocals.
I’ll wait here as you dunk your head into your bowl of hot holy water after once again laying your eyeballs on that nightmare work which should be titled: A Regular Ole’ Night In Pimp Mama Kris’ Lair.
Back in the olden days of 2013, Kanye West showed his dress-up silicone mannequin Kim Kartrashian how much he hates her and lives to humiliate her by giving her a hideously ugly and offensive Birkin bag which featured PMK in her true form (on the left) screaming at her whores to show it, work it and sell it in a nude photo shoot. That painted nightmare on a bag came directly from the mind of artiste George Condo. Page Six is saying today that George Condo may be dating Ashley Olsen, and that makes sense since only an Olsen could truly, truly love and an appreciate an artist who spits out scary shit like that.
At this point, it’s looking pretty clear that the ear of TMZ is permanently stitched to the mouth of Team Depp (personally, I’m Team L.A. Looks and that “joke” will only make sense to you disciples of 80s hair beauty). And it’s also looking pretty clear that the ear of People is permanently stitched to the mouth of Team Amber Heard. Whenever People posts something that makes Amber Heard look like she’s telling the truth, TMZ stamps “LIES” onto that claim by posting something that claims otherwise. Case in point: People posted alleged texts between Amber and Johnny Depp’s assistant. The texts backed-up her claim that she was abused regularly by Johnny during their relationship. TMZ then posted quotes from Johnny’s assistant, claiming that the texts were faked or doctored. People then pulled the, “oh no you don’t, bitch,” switch and brought out a signed statement from a computer forensic specialist who declared that after viewing the texts, he can confirm that they weren’t fucked with in any way. It’s the battle of receipts, and this is obviously going to end with Harvey Levin and the editors of People wrestling in a pool of lukewarm oil.
Having been dumped a few times for a few reasons, I will say that the reason that really makes my blood boil into a thick mixture of rage is when the dude says shit like, “I just realized that we’re probably better off as friends.” Because that’s a total cop-out way of saying that he likes talking about last week’s Real Housewives episode with me at brunch, but he’d rather bareback fuck a jagged-edged can of mushy peas than put his peen anywhere near me again. Well, apparently, Taylor Swift’s favorite Dream Phone guy Calvin Harris dropped her ass because he’s just not into her like that.
“Hmmm, why did that plane just skywrite the words ‘Eat Shit And Die Trampber! Love Jhnnys Fmly’?”
The planet nearly experienced a 12.8 earthquake yesterday when everyone’s jaws hit the floor out of shock after finding out that Johnny Depp and Amber Heard’s marriage is done after 15 months. Nobody saw that coming, because look at the heat between them in that picture. You can feel it! Or maybe that heat is from his humid swamp pits and her fiery hot invisible devil horns. Yeah, that must be it.
Several sources tell TMZ that the precious union that gave hope to the future of the sanctity of marriage ended up sliding into the sewer, because Johnny’s family hated Amber more than his butt corn teeth hate the tingling feeling of toothpaste. The sources say that Johnny’s teenage daughter, his teenage son, his two sisters and his mom Betty Sue Palmer never liked Amber and weren’t quiet about it. They openly talked about how Amber treated Johnny like trash.