Elizabeth Olsen and Tom Hiddleston never came out and said, “Yup, our fuck parts rub together every day, all day,” and even she said that her chocha isn’t regularly getting Hiddleston’d. But the tabloids kept saying that they’re 100% a couple… and now Star (via Classicalite) is saying that they’re 100% not a couple anymore.
Star’s source (Hi, Lizzie Olsen’s publicist! I hope you had a good holiday!) says that Elizabeth Olsen didn’t break up with Tom Hiddleston because she was sick of his fans calling her all the time to say, “I hope you die.” That doesn’t bother Elizabeth at all since she’s used to a creepy voice saying, “I hope you die,” when she picks up the phone. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen say that to her every time they call. It’s their way of saying “hello.” The source says that Elizabeth dumped Tom because she doesn’t want to get into anything serious.
“Elizabeth’s so focused on her career. She wasn’t sure she could handle a serious relationship right now.”
I know, Elizabeth Olsen needs an MRI stat, because there must be something wrong with her brain area if she’s choosing to work instead of doing Tom Hiddleston all the time. But really, getting dumped by Elizabeth Olsen may have saved Tom Hiddleston’s life! If they were still together, she would’ve dragged him to Mary-Kate’s ciggie smoke cloud of a wedding and if he went to Mary-Kate’s ciggie smoke cloud of a wedding, he would’ve ended up coughing up his blackened lungs on the floor as the Trollsens danced around him while cackling.
And I’m sure that after they see my impeccable Photoshop work, Universal will beg me to do the special effects.
The critics pretty much declared St. Angie Jolie’s HIGH ART 70s perfume commercial By The Sea an Ambien-laced turd and it also bombed at the box office. The Brangeloonies should be ashamed of themselves for not selling their house, their cars, their internal organs and their kids to buy every ticket available! If you’re a Brangeloonie and you’re not homeless and eating dirt pies because you sold everything to support your God’s movie, then you can’t call yourself a Brangeloonie. Shameful! But anyway…
By The Zzz has been out in limited-release for two weeks and so far it’s only made around $321,000 domestically. The Hollywood Reporter says that Universal put up all the money. The budget was $25 million (Universal claims the budget was $10 million) and another $15 million was spent on marketing. Universal is probably going to eat most of that money, but they don’t care. A source tells THR that Universal is hoping that since they gave St. Angie some play money for her little movie, she will return the favor by starring in one of their big-budget movies. Universal probably figures that since Maleficent made a zillion dollars, they’ll also make a mountain of money from St. Angie playing another monster: The Bride of Frankenstein.
TMZ said this morning that Kate Beckinsale’s 11-year-old marriage to director Len Wiseman may soon be buried in a shallow grave next to Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani’s marriage. Emily Blunt, John Krasinski, George Clooney and Amal Clooney better watch it, because all of the American/British marriages of Hollywood are biting a big pile of dust.
For the past few weeks, Len has been seen with a piece who isn’t his wife. 42-year-old Len and a 24-year-old named CJ Franco have been papped going to clubs in Hollywood together. Len also hasn’t been wearing his wedding ring, but that may be a thing that he and Kate do. In that picture above, Kate’s not wearing one either. Kate is currently in Prague shooting Underworld 5, because we really need another Underworld.
Those of us who have our PhDs in messy celebrity relationships know how Len and Kate started. Kate was with Michael Sheen for 8 years and they made a daughter, Lily Mo Sheen (That name!), together. Kate got cast in 2003’s Underworld and convinced the director, Len Wiseman, to cast Michael in it. The rumor is that Kate and Len boned during filming in Budapest and eventually she dumped Michael and he dumped his wife at the time. Kate says it didn’t happen like that and Len’s first wife Dana said it did. Kate and Len got married in 2004. And here we are now…
But I bet nothing is going on. I’m sure that Kate will piss on this rumor by releasing this statement: “Oh bollocks! This is rubbish! CJ’s my nanny… Wait a blimey minute. Oh, karma, you wanker, you!”
Here’s some pics from October of Len going to a club with CJ, who judging by her fug outfit, just got back from 1992 where she failed her audition as a Fly Girl on In Living Color.
Ever since classic diss track “You’re So Vain” came out in 1972, hos have been guessing who the song is about and Carly Simon has always played it pretty coy. I’m surprised there was never a 70s game show called This Song Is About Who? where contestants tried to guess who that damn song was about. Over the decades, people have guessed that the song was about Warren Beatty, David Cassidy, David Bowie, Cat Stevens or Mick Jagger. Five years ago, The Sun spit up evidence that the song is about David Geffen. Carly has only said that it’s about three dudes, but now that she’s got her memoirs Boys In The Trees to promote, she’s spilling a name.
In news that is about as shocking as me having saltine cracker nachos for lunch, Carly tells People that Warren thinks the entire song is about him, but only the second verse was inspired by him doing her dirty (and not in a sexy way). This is how the second verse goes:
You had me several years ago
When I was still quite naive
Well, you said that we made such a pretty pair
And that you would never leave
But you gave away the things you loved
And one of them was me
I had some dreams, they were clouds in my coffee.
The real news is that she sings “clouds in my coffee.” I thought it was “clowns in my coffee” for the longest time and figured she was snorting LSD-laced Cremora in the morning.
Carly is sewing her lips shut when it comes to saying who the other two are. (SPOILER ALERT: It’s David Geffen and Betty White. It’s always Betty White.) When asked if she’ll ever say who the other two are, she said, “I don’t think so, at least until they know it’s about them.”
I can already picture my mom rolling her eyes while saying, “Excuse me while I pass out from shock,” after hearing this news. We’ll all do the same thing in 40 years when Taylor Swift is peddling her memoirs and tells us that “Bad Blood” is about Katy Perry. I’m saving a special string of clutching pearls for that occasion.
Now that InTouch Weekly mentions it, Justin Timberlake does look like he’s got a touch of consumption in that picture or maybe his eyes just hurt from looking at Jessica Biel’s fugly ruffle bukkake ice skating dress.
InTouch Weekly (so this is served on top of a giant salt mountain) heard from a “friend” that Jessica Biel have joined the likes of Jenny McCarthy, Alicia Silverstone and Kristin CavaImTooLazyToGoogleHerLastName in the anti-vaxx movement by refusing to vaccine her 7-month-old son Silas. Jessica Biel’s friend didn’t really say how Justin Timberlake feels, but they probably asked him and it was hard to hear his answer over the sound of him giving himself a Brazilian Blowout in the bathroom.
A friend of the couple claims so, telling In Touch that “Jessica is refusing to vaccinate him. She feels that vaccination could cause complications.”
The friend who alleges that Jessica and Justin aren’t vaccinating their son adds: “I’m sure Jessica believes that she’s making the right decision, but hopefully she and Justin will do some more research on this and change their minds.”
InTouch says that they left 9 messages for Jessica and Justin’s reps over the past few weeks, but got a whole lot of nothing back. InTouch claims that the reps received their messages. Oh so, the people at InTouch are those kind of messes who ask for a return receipt email.
Great, Jessica (may) have gone and done it. Every time a famous type decides not to vaccinate their baby, the horns on Jenny McCarthy’s head grow half an inch more and her evil powers get stronger. And really, I won’t totally believe this until Justin Timberlake released an anti-vaxx remix of his greatest hits which will include “I’m Bringing Measles Back” and “Cry Me A River…Of Smallpox.”
FYI: Giada De Laurentiis’ new piece is the guy on the right. The guy on the left, who sort of looks like Bill Nye drawn as a Doug character, is apparently her brother Igor.
Giada De Laurentiis is legally free from her ex-husband Todd Thompson and she’s already moved on to a new dude, TV producer Shane Farley. Just a couple of days ago, Shane was named as Giada’s current full-time fuck partner and not only was it news (for lack of a better word) to all of us, but it was news to his estranged wife too. Page Six says that Shane is still legally married to personal trainer Jennifer Giamo. Shane filed for divorce in Manhattan back in March. E! said that Shane and Giada first got tingly for each other in 2013 when he was supposed to produce a show starring her and Bobby Flay. They were, of course, both still very married in 2013. Giada’s rep claims that they didn’t start dating until August. But well, someone is definitely blowing farts in our faces, because Page Six says that Shane moved into Giada’s $6 million Pacific Palisades, CA mansion very shortly after filing for divorce.
Shane’s estranged wife Jennifer is apparently upset over finding out through the media that he moved on to the Italian-American lollipop. Jennifer’s lawyer even released a statement to let us all know how upset she is:
“My client is devastated by what she has learned through the tabloids . . . ‘Hurtful’ would be a mild characterization. They’re just in the middle of it.”
I hate everyone involved in this, because they’re making me think and I hate doing that. (“We can tell.” – anybody who reads this blog) If Shane moved to California shortly after filing for divorce in March, wouldn’t Jennifer have found out about him and Giada long before the news came out in E! earlier this week? Or maybe Jennifer is “devastated” because Shane told her he was moving to Los Angeles for work and she’s just finding out why he really moved? Hmmm.
The only reasonable conclusion I can come up with is that all of this is a front to distract us from what’s really going on. It’s a smoke cloud and behind that smoke cloud is the sight of Giada and Bobby Flay having Tweety Bird and Howdy Doody sex. Open your eyes, everyone! Actually, no, close them, because nobody needs to see that.
Jennifer Lawrence wrote an essay about dudes getting paid more than chicks in Hollywood. Patricia Arquette used her time on the Oscar stage to fight pay inequality. Sharon Stone said that after Basic Instinct, nobody wanted to pay her to work. And one of my favorite British blossoms Sienna Miller said she farted on an offer to do a Broadway play after finding out she was going to get a paid a lot less than her male co-star. But well, you won’t ever find Kate Winslet Norma Rae-ing for the wage gap movement, because she thinks publicly talking about that sort of thing is trashy.
Apple should really do a workshop at their stores that teaches cheating slut tramp whores how to unsync their phone number from the family iPad so the adventures of their roving fuck parts (and the fuck parts of their side ho) won’t be exposed.
Shortly after Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale announced that they slipped a toe tag on their dead 13-year marriage, Radar burped up a story about how she fired the nanny, who is female, because she thought that the nanny may have been taking care of her husband’s dick too. Now UsWeekly is saying that Gavin did go where Jude Law, Ben Affleck and Ethan Hawke have gone before: the nanny’s poon.
Approximately thirteen seconds after we all found out that Mimi was being wooed by hairless billionaire Sulley, there was a rumor that they were already whispering the offensive curse word “marriage” into each other’s ears. (When a multi-millionaire mess and her billionaire boyfriend of two minutes start talking marriage, a future high-powered divorce lawyer passes the bar.) Because Mimi and James Packer are moving faster than a lesbian couple on Adderall, I figured she moved into his mansion before he even stuck the tip of his Shrek peen into her Wuzzle cooze. But a source tells E! News that Mimi only recently moved a bunch of her stuff into James Packer’s Beverly Hills mansion:
“Mariah did move into his home but is still keeping her home as well. They spend so much time together, so it only made sense. They have been speaking about marriage as well. They are very much in love and things couldn’t be better.”
Of course, Mimi kept her own house. She can use half of it as offices for her personal team of Photoshop artistes and she can use the other half as a storage unit to keep all the jewels James is going to buy her.
What’s weird about this story is that the source claims Mimi moved a whole lot of her stuff into his house. I don’t think that’s true. Mimi probably showed up with nothing but an open hand for James to put his credit card in so she can spend his billions on new stuff. I’m sure there were movers involved, but those movers were there to move his shit out and make room for all the luxurious furnishings she’s going to buy. James Packer probably has basic and boring taste and his beige stuff is just not going to go with the custom-made butterfly settee and the champagne-spewing pink diamond-encrusted bidet that Mimi’s going to order.
P.S. – While doing research for this highly important news post, I Googled “butterfly sofa” and found this gorgeous piece:
So if you’ve been looking everywhere for a bench that sort of looks like misshapen and frostbitten coochie lips, it’s your lucky day.
I really didn’t think I was going to start my week with my brain farting up the picture of Vivica Fox sticking her tongue in 50 Cent’s wrinkled coin purse, but here we are.
The talk of 50 Cent’s ass getting itself a face full of Vivica started when she was on Watch What Happens Live last night. Andy Cohen brought up 50 Cent reposting an Instagram post that blamed Empire’s season 2 ratings dip on too much “extra gay stuff.” Anybody who has heard the rumors that 50 Cent loves some dick in his candy shop threw a level 10 side-eye at that move. Well, Vivica, who plays Cookie’s other sister Biscuit (I made that name up) on Empire this season, thought that was a good time to bring out the old rumors that her ex loves peen. Vivica basically said that 50 thinking that Empire is “too gay” is the dick-loving pot calling the dick-loving kettle a dick lover.