Finally, a swimsuit issue cover we can all relate to! I mean, who of us hasn’t spent a vacation splashing around in the ocean in white bikini bottoms and Liberace’s motorcycle jacket?
Last week Page Six reported that Kate Upton might have screwed herself out of the cover of Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition by demanding the cover, because she’s an actress now, which means she’s im-por-tant. It was rumored that there would be three covers, and that the other two were likely to go to Serena Williams and Christie Brinkley. Well, Sports Illustrated released this year’s Swimsuit Edition covers yesterday, and Kate got all three.
One of Donald Trump’s early Sunday morning rituals has been pounding his roasted baby carrot fingers on his phone as he rages against Alec Baldwin and his favorite show Saturday Night Live for making fun of him again. But strangely enough, Trump didn’t fart out a single tweet about Melissa McCarthy’s Emmy-Oscar-Nobel Peace Price-worthy take on Sean Spicer, which was very “Matt Foley on testosterone-laced meth” to me. Even Sean Spicer said words about it and told reporters that he thought Melissa’s drag king impersonation of him was “cute.” But a “top Trump donor” told Politico that Melissa’s Spicer act achieved the impossible: it shut Trump up.
Well what do you know. It turns out Madonna was actually snooping around Malawi for a new set of kids to bring into her life.
Reuters reports that this morning, Malawi’s high court approved Madonna’s request to adopt four-year-old twin girls, Esther and Stella Mwalea. A spokesperson for Malawi’s judiciary says that Madonna was in the courtroom Tuesday when the decision was made. Esther and Stella have reportedly been living together in a Malawi orphanage for two years. The Daily Mail seems to think Madonna and Esther and Stella will all leave for New York within the next 24 hours on a private jet.
It looks like Kanye West will never be invited to a slumber party at the White House, where he and his one-time BFF, Donald Trump, would crank call the Australian PM, toilet paper Nancy Pelosi’s office, take selfies with the nuclear button and color each other’s hair using the imported piss of a Russian hooker. Because Kanye is done with Trump.
The non-biodegradable pussy willow we know as Jocelyn Wildenstein was arrested in December after she allegedly went cat scratch fever wild by clawing her man Lloyd Klein’s face and cutting his chest with scissors during a fight in their apartment at Trump World Tower in Manhattan. Not even a week later, Lloyd was arrested after he allegedly pushed Jocelyn to the floor while picking up some of his stuff at their apartment. Jocelyn really doesn’t need more foolery and she should retire to Cat Island where she’d spend her days lounging with a bunch of pussies and sharing a fish head with a cat friend. But instead of doing that, Jocelyn is getting back together with Lloyd.
I know I should be up on all of the places that Diego Luna’s dick has visited, but I’m not, so I had no idea that it’s been visiting Suki’s waterhouse for over a year. The more you know…
37-year-old Diego Luna, who is best known for the cinematic classic Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights (oh, and also Y Tu Mamá También and that Star Wars shit), and 25-year-old Suki Waterhouse, who is best known for being Bradley Cooper’s contract piece for a minute, worked together in a movie called The Bad Batch. And two summers ago they were photographed touching lips and groping on each other’s bodies on the street. They’re still at it, apparently, because TMZ posted pictures of Diego putting his hand on Suki’s UNA (upper nalgitas area) in Tulum, Mexico over the weekend. It’s sad that the all-star coupling of GreasyHouse (Suki and Greasy Bear) never happened.
Suki Waterhouse Gets Handsy With 'Rogue One' Star Diego Luna in Mexico (PHOTOS) https://t.co/af1mDZwJga
— TMZ (@TMZ) January 16, 2017
Diego got divorced from the mother of his two kids, Camila Sodi, in 2013.
Who knows if Diego and Suki are bumping wet parts on a full-time or part-time basis, but I do know that the peen must be so good that it’s made her crazy, which explains why she decided to wear brothel bloomers with a see-through sweater thing. Either that or Suki’s still suffering from stage 10 hipster. Yeah, it’s probably the latter.