Oh, You Know, It’s Just A Blood-Covered RiRi Smoking It Up While Lounging On A Mound Of Money In A Trunk
It only took 45 hundred years, but late last night, RiRi finally released the video for her ear-murdering song “Bitch Better Have My Money” and the first thing you should know is that it’s seven fucking minutes fucking long. These pop tricks and their Imitation of Christ-sized music videos. Ain’t nobody got time for RiRi’s 7-minute-long video. Well, nobody but me, because I watched all of it last night. Twice. Okay, thrice.
RiRi “co-directed” this video (read: She directed herself to smoke a blunt while the other co-director did everything else) and she said the video’s entire concept came to her 8 months ago. In other words, this video is what RiRi’s brain gave birth to as she smoked some PCP laced weed while watching an episode of Dexter. Some people have been comparing this shit to “Bad Blood,” but that’s like comparing a pink crochet bunny in boxing mittens to a wolf with a chainsaw. It’s like “Bad Blood” if “Bad Blood” was conceived and directed by a first year film student who wants to be the next Tarantino or Eli Roth. Besides, instead of having 500 cameos from people you don’t care about, it has the only cameo any music video needs: HANNIBAL LECTER!
If you have 7 minutes of your day to waste and haven’t seen it already, here it is. The CliffsNotes version is: RiRi kidnaps a rich bitch, strips and tortures rich bitch with help from her homegirl henchwomen, forces rich bitch to smoke the good shit, smiles at a cop, chills in a paddling pool and eventually goes Patrick Bateman on rich bitch’s husband Hannibal (aka the bitch who owes her money).
My only question besides “What THEE fuck?” is: What happened to rich bitch’s Pom?!
I was hoping that at the very end, rich bitch’s Pom would’ve crashed through a window with a machete in its paws and took every one. The final shot should’ve been of rich bitch’s Pom smoking a Snausage while relaxing on that mound of money in a trunk.
And here’s RiRi, her pierced nipple and her brother leaving a restaurant in L.A. the other night.
Yesterday, Kevin Smith was seen running down the street while squealing with glee as he jacked himself off and that could only mean one of two things: Old Navy announced that they’re having a major 4th of July sale on baggy jorts or the marriage between Ben Affleck and that bromance-wrecking cold witch Jennifer Garner finally ended. It was obviously because of the latter and now “sources” are coming out to say why Bennifer 2.0 is stamping the word “DIVORCED” on their marriage of 10 years.
I’m sure we all have ancestors who have done stuff we’re embarrassed about. Hell, I have living relatives who have done stuff I’m embarrassed about (examples: wore socks with flip flops out in public, gave a fake name to a restaurant host because they thought it was cute, liked the “Entourage” page on Facebook, etc…). Well, when Ben Affleck discovered that the PBS show Finding Your Roots was going to include an embarrassing fact about his ancestors (the “embarrassing fact” being that they owned slaves), he whined, cried and asked them to cut that part out. Well, not only was that part cut out, but PBS has cut out the entire show, for now.
Come-to-life corn husk doll Taylor Swift became the guardian angel of indie artists yesterday when she burped up an open letter to Apple where she kicked at them for not paying artists during the 3-month free trial period of their new streaming service. Tay Tay wrote that she’s not biting at Apple for her, because she knows she’s got money falling out of her asshole, she’s doing it for the little guys! Tay Tay smeared blue paint on the right side of her face and screamed, “They can take our money, but they can’t take away our ability to write long ass open letters on Tumblr.” Well, I guess Apple doesn’t want to feel the strawberry-scented wrath of the Easy Bake Oven Brigade, because yesterday they announced that they heard Tay Tay and have decided to pay all artists during the 3-month free trial after all. TAY TAY’S IMPACT!
Well, if you’re going to have a crisis, I guess a marriage crisis is a good, dramatic one to have. For years, the tabloids have been saying that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner’s marriage is tanking harder than Elektra on opening weekend. Last month, The National Enquirer said that Bennifer 2.0 were going to go the rich Californian way by splitting up and announcing their divorce plans right before their 10th wedding anniversary on June 29th. But then Bennifer 2.0 shat on all that talk by busting out a good old-fashioned happy family pap stroll. Now UsWeekly is screaming from this week’s cover that their MARRIAGE IS IN CRISIS. A source says that their marriage is on its last breath, because of Ben’s “many vices,” among other shit. “Many vices” may or may not be insider source code for the 2 Ps: Poker and pussy. via UsWeekly
“Where there’s smoke, there’s fire,” one insider shares in the new issue. “The marriage is in trouble.”
It has been for some time, too. According to a second source, the Gone Girl star, 42, and the Dallas Buyers Club actress, 43, “have had problems from the very beginning.” Among their biggest issues? Affleck’s “workaholic” nature and “many vices.”
Insiders say their kids — Violet, 9, Seraphina, 6, and Samuel, 3 — are the glue that’s just barely holding them together. But as one source says, “things are not all peaches and cream with them.”
Bennifer 2.0’s toilet floater of a marriage is so the new “Jennifer Aniston FINALLY haz a babeh in her womb” for tabloids. But UsWeekly really needs to slow down, because they used a thousand idioms in one story. They should’ve saved some for future stories about this shit. I mean, they used “battles with demons,” “where there’s smoke, there’s fire,” and “peaches and cream.” I’m surprised they didn’t go all the way by saying that divorce lawyers are “over the moon” about the thought of handling Bennifer 2.0’s multi-million dollar divorce and that Jennifer keeps trying to “turn over a new leaf” but every time she does, she finds one of Ben’s whores on the other side.
Here’s Ben, Jennifer and their kids buying vegetables and stuff the other day. There’s a few picture choices here for UsWeekly to use for their next cover story about how Ben’s gambling ways are about “as welcome as a skunk at a lawn party.” If UsWeekly uses that phrase, then I know that one of their writers is the hot frosted-haired southern memaw cashier at my nearest Smart + Final who always calls me “honey pie.”
Hello Kitty Party, Ecco the Dolphin and Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six (it has “rainbow” in the title, okay) are just a few titles I’d spit out if you asked me to guess which game Mariah Carey is now the face of. But I guess Mimi’s management team subscribes to the “A Check IS A Check” way of doing business, because she has pulled out her bubble gum-scented Mr. Sketch marker and signed her name on a contract to replace the pair of chichis with a face known as Kate Upton in all those Game of War ads. “Mimi Replaces Kate Upton As The Face of Game of War” is not some shit I expected to read today.
Mimi has probably went ahead and ordered several custom-made solid gold unicorn horn dildos, because TMZ says that the Game of War bitches are paying her 7 figures for just two days work. Mimi will shoot a 30-second commercial and she’ll also do other promo shoots for the game. A source tells TMZ that one of Mimi’s songs is going to be used in the commercial. I’m guessing the song they plan to use is “Infinity” since her last high note in that shit has the power to paralyze the strongest of men and bring down fortresses.
The shoot is going to take 2 days, but the post-production is probably going to take 2 weeks, if not more. Whoever is making that commercial is going to need to get the sturdiest and bravest special effects artistes in the game to work their CGI magic on Mimi’s body until she’s happy. Talk about a game of war. By the end, they’ll be screaming for mercy, and they will beg for their overworked fingers to be chopped off when Mimi calls and asks, “Dahling, just erase another 1/10th of an inch off of my right thumb.”
Here’s Kate Upton’s replacement walking on her own (THIS IS A FIRST!) in Paris during the last few days.
Pics: Getty, Wenn.com
Iggy Azalea’s ride from “da rillest rappuh in da game” to da rillest Dancing with the Stars contestant got a boost yesterday when she announced that she’s no longer going to headline Pittsburgh Pride on Saturday. As soon as Iggy was announced as the headliner, several LGBT groups came out against the decision, because she’s not exactly known as being a champion of the LGBT community and they pulled out some of the offensive tweets she’s shat up in the past. At first, Delta Foundation, the organization that runs Pittsburgh Pride, defended their decision to give the Pig Latin rapping chanteuse the headlining spot. But after several groups dropped out of Pride and Pittsburgh City Council President Bruce Kraus spat on the decision, the city has screamed: I-G-G-BYE! Iggy tweeted this announcement/apology, which she totally didn’t write because there’s not one “dat” in there.
First Iggy’s entire arena tour and now Pittsburgh Pride. At this rate, the only gig she’ll be lucky to book is the opening spot for Lil’ Kim at the Plastic Surgeons of Fort Myers Beach Convention in a conference room at a Best Western. (“Shut up, asshole, we don’t want her either.” – The Plastic Surgeons of Fort Myers Beach Association) Since we all love a big comeback, I wouldn’t be surprised if Iggy busted out a big comeback next year. But as someone who’s been waiting for Stacey Q’s big comeback for centuries, I’ll be pissed if Iggy has a big comeback before a true artist like Stacey Q does.
And Delta Foundation announced this afternoon (no, they didn’t) that they are replacing Iggy with Chris Brown!
Here’s Iggy taking her new face and engagement ring for a little stroll in L.A. the other day.
When you’re just a regular peasant like 99% of us here, you may have gotten a caramel square, a butterscotch hard candy, some quarters to buy a Pink Panther ice cream bar from the paleta man or a look that says, “You’re safe from the chancla this time,” from your abuelita when you didn’t act a mess and kept quiet during her telenovela-watching time. But when you’re a fancy British royal who was lucky enough to swim out of a prince’s dick slit and jam yourself into a princess’ egg, you get an actual medal for being nice to your grandma. Not just a gold star sticker, a damn medal.
The BBC says that THE QUEEN made Prince Hot Ginge a Knight Commander of the Royal Victorian Order during a private ceremony at the palace. PHG got the knighthood for his “service to the sovereign.” In other words, he got that shit for doing something all of us should do. In other words, PHG gets awards for being PHG. That’s the way it should be. Some source (probably one of the more gossipy Corgis) tells The Telegraph that PHG was proud of getting a title for being nice to Nana Liz.
A royal source said Prince Harry, 30, was “proud and pleased” to receive the honour, adding: “It is very significant for him personally.”
Note to self: Make sure to scream out “Sir Prince Hot Ginge” instead of just “Prince Hot Ginge” during my wet dream fantasies. Must remain respectful of the royals and their titles at all times!
As soon as the latest rumors about Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner’s marriage problems made the rounds, we all set our Sweet Secrets Switch Watch for their inevitable damage control strut and well, here they are.
While almost wearing matching ensembles (Didn’t Ben get the memo about wearing his leopard print ballet flats?!), Ben and Jennifer picked up their daughters Violet and Seraphina from school yesterday. Ben Affleck has made it clear that he hates the paparazzi, but well, when the tabloids can’t stop screaming about how you and your wife are living SEPARATE LIVES, you have to show the people that sometimes you’re in the same place by doing a good old-fashioned family photo-op. (Side note: “Living separate lives” is to divorce rumors what “fighting their inner demons” is to rehab rumors.)
OK! Magazine is just one of the tabloids saying that it’s almost the end of Bennifer 2.0. One tea-spilling friend of Jennifer’s said that they just smile through the misery. I thought “smile through the misery” was the tagline of most marriages, but the so-called friend says that they really are miserable:
“Often, when Ben and Jen have a problem, they just agree to ride it out and be miserable together until they can get some time apart. Jennifer has close friends who think that she and Ben are a horrible fit, despite how much he loves being a father to those kids.”
Well, go ahead and drop a thick fart on those divorce rumors, because here they are together. But you know, I bet you didn’t read any of those words, because you were too busy salivating over that Nutella froyo in the poster behind them. Ben and Jen should really get an assistant to scout the scene of a family photo-op and warn them of any possible spotlight-stealers. How are we supposed to clearly see that they’re the portrait of a perfect couple when they’re being upstaged by Nutella froyo? Rookie mistake!
Rick Santorum announced on Good Morning America today that he’s going to give the whole” running for president” thing another go. The last time he battled it out in the country’s bitchiest bitch fest, the entire Duggar family endorsed him. If it was legal for children to vote, Rick Santorum would’ve won by a landslide since there’s at least 10 million of those in the Duggar family. But Rick Santorum shouldn’t expect the Duggar women to stitch the words “Santorum Makes My Ovaries Tingle” onto their denim skirts this time around. Because while on GMA this morning, George Stephanopoulos asked Rick Santorum for his thoughts on the molesting pumpkin head and he pretty much spit out a frothy dollop of pure disgust. via Yahoo!
“I was sickened by it. I was just sickened by it,” Santorum, a Christian conservative who had the support of the Duggar family during his first presidential campaign in 2012, said. “I pray for those girls in particular.”
He added: “To have gone through that is … just hard to think about.”
Rick Santorum probably saw the giant load of backlash that splattered against Mike Huckabee’s mug when he raised his Team Duggar sign and said that he was supporting them. So Rick Santorum thought to himself, “Err, just say the opposite of what that other guy said.”
You’d think that since I ran for drama club secretary once (yes, I lost) I’d know a lot about political campaigning. I don’t, but I do know that if you’re a political candidate and someone asks you what you think about a child toucher, you should let them know you’re grossed out by making the hacking up sound a cat makes while heaving up a hairball on a rug. It’s really the only right answer.
And the good news for Rick Santorum is that since the Duggars won’t be following him around on the campaign trail like they did in 2012, he doesn’t have to use brain space on trying to remember all of their goddamn names.