The Case of the Snatched Pearl Dress is possibly closed and surprisingly, it didn’t take Jessica Fletcher to solve that shit. On Tuesday, the dress that looks like a bunch of oysters jacked up all over it was stolen from Lupita Nyong’o's hotel room at The London in West Hollywood. The cops valued the Calvin Klein Collection dress at $150,000 and pearl experts said it could be worth up to $10 million. Well, the thieves returned the dress, because they say it’s made of fakery.
TMZ says that the pearl robbers called them this afternoon to bitch and moan about how the dress is about as valuable as a rat’s cum load. The thieves claim that they got into Lupita’s room, because somebody left the door slightly open. Once they stole the dress, they took two pearls from it to the garment district in Downtown L.A. to see if they could sell them. They were told the pearls weren’t real. So the thieves put the dress in a trash bag, went back to The London and left it in a bathroom near the gym. TMZ called the cops who later found the dress exactly where the thieves said they left it. Here’s a picture of it:
The thieves said that they called TMZ because they want the world to know about “Hollywood’s fake bullshit.” Thank you, thieves, for this brand new information. You truly have enlightened us. You are heroes. Not only do you have your PhDs in thievery, but you also have your doctorates in wisdom.
These thieves sound like they have brains made of fake pearls, but I’m assuming they’re not dumb enough to take those pearls to a fabric store in the garment district. I’m assuming they took them to a jeweler. I mean, taking pearls to a fabric store to be appraised is like asking me to point out a woman’s G-spot.
As far as my ass knows, there’s 3 possibilities:
1. That dress isn’t made with real pearls.
2. That dress is made of some real pearls and those dumb thieves happened to get 2 fake pearls from the dress appraised.
3. That dress is really covered in 6,000 real pearls and those thieves got a wrong appraisal.
Whatever the case may be, it sounds like those stupid ass thieves got theirs. Well, at least we know that Lindsay Lohan wasn’t involved, because she would never make an amateur mistake like this. Even if she did find out that dress wasn’t made of real pearls, she’d make the most of it. She’d that dress apart and make 500 Lindsay Lohan brand anal beads out of it.
UPDATE: The people at Calvin Klein are apparently playing the “We never said that shit was real” card. Sources tell TMZ that it was Lupita’s stylist who told the cops the dress was worth $150,000 and Calvin Klein’s team never said anything about the dress being made of real pearls. They never said the pearls were fake, because they figured everyone would assume they were fake since this isn’t Ancient Egypt times where hos were covered in real jewels.
It feels like it’s been centuries since two-time welterweight BlackBerry boxer grand champion Naomi Campbell has injected fear into the streets by whoopin’ tricks left and right. Naomi hasn’t curbed her cuntiness (THANK GOD), but I thought that maybe she retired her slapping hands and was done with leaving her mark (aka her palm print) on people’s faces. Well, I thought wrong, because Naomi the Terrible was back to terrorizing hos in Cuba yesterday.
A cameraman from NBC News made the mistake of following Naomi as she left her hotel in Havana. Naomi told him to get out of her face. Now, when Naomi Campbell tells you to get out of her face, you either listen or you call your mother to tell her you love her, put on a helmet and hope for the best while clutching a rosary. The cameraman kept filming and so Naomi came for his ass. I don’t know what that NBC cameraman was thinking. Maybe he was thinking he could sue her ass? I don’t know. But if Naomi came running toward me, I’d drop my camera and run to the nearest church. Naomi pounced on his ass and bitch slapped his camera around.
The cameraman wasn’t injured and he was lucky he got away ALIVE. Naomi later called NBC News (which is owned by NBCUniversal, which owns Oxygen, the network The Face airs on) to apologize and said it was all just one, big misunderstanding!
“I am sorry for what happened. It was all a big misunderstanding. Please forgive me,” Campbell said in a telephone interview on Thursday afternoon.
What Naomi means by “misunderstanding” is that she didn’t want a camera filming her face for free and the cameraman didn’t understand that, so she had to explain it to him in a language he may understand. The language being her favorite language: Slapanese. That’s what she meant.
And here’s Naomi leaving some restaurant with Kate Moss in London the other day.
The cobblestone street of Via Rodeo in Beverly Hills will once again hear the clickety clack of Detective La Toya’s heels as she holds up her magnifying glass and searches for clues in her newest case: The Case of The Missing Bukkake Dress!
TMZ says that the custom-made Calvin Klein gown that Lupita Nyong’o wore to the Oscars was snatched from her hotel room and the LAPD is on the case. The cops believe that the oyster orgy dress was stolen from her room at The London hotel in West Hollywood between 8 and 9 at night on Tuesday. Lupita wasn’t in her room at the time. You’re probably thinking that the thieving thieves stole the dress to scrape off Lupita’s DNA to clone her, but nope. They probably stole the dress, because it’s made of 6,000 Akoya pearls and is valued at $150,000. The police are going over security footage to find the pearl thief. I got questions:
1. Whenever I stay in a hotel, I lock up my janky ass first-generation iPad in the safe. But yet Lupita just left this $150,000 dress out? The Calvin Klein people didn’t hire a bodyguard to lay his body over that dress at all times? If they didn’t want to do that, they could’ve just covered the dress with this picture. Nobody would’ve gone near it. In fact, they would’ve run from it screaming.
2. I thought that right after the Oscars ended, the designer’s assistants jumped on the celebrity, took back her borrowed dress and jewels and left her naked on the street?
The cops should really get a search warrant to search the Scientology Centre. Because if you rolled up that dress really tight, it’d be a great, big, thick, anal bead-encrusted dildo. But seriously, I’m sure they’ve already tried to bring in Lindsay Lohan, because when anything goes missing you should immediately point at a Lohan. But they probably can’t find her, because right now she’s on the beaches of Puerto Vallarta selling celebrity worn pearl necklaces out of a leather suitcase.
When Mo’Nique won the Best Supporting Actress Oscar in 2010 for Precious, she used her time on stage to throw two burning hot side-eyes at the Oscar campaign game by thanking the Academy for showing that it can be about the performance and not about politics. During Oscar campaign time, Mo’Nique didn’t go to many events and she refused to use her lips to suck on the ass flaps of voters to get that trophy in her hands. She was the anti-Benedict Cumberbatch. After her win, all the doors she thought were going to open up because of her win never opened. And just a few months ago she was told by Lee Daniels, the director of Precious, that if Hollywood was John Travolta, then she’d big a big old pussy, because nobody wants to touch her.
If that picture was taken yesterday, Tom Brokaw would be thinking to himself, “Grrrrr… I just want to stick a rolled-up pink slip up that lying sack of lie’s ass, pull it out, stick it in his smuggy lie hole and make it so that he can’t even get a job reviewing butt plugs at 3am on Public Access in Stockton, CA.”
On Wednesday night, the world we live in became a confusing and unfamiliar place and most of us wandered the land not knowing what to believe when Brian Williams admitted that he was never in a chopper that was hit by RPG fire in Iraq in 2003. Brian was actually safely traveling in a different chopper. How can we believe anything now that Brian Williams has dribbled out lies to us? When Brian Williams says, “Good evening, I’m Brian Williams and this is the Nighty News,” do we know for sure it’s the evening and that it’s a good evening and that his name really is Brian Williams? Is that picture of Brian Williams’ supposed bulge a picture of his actual bulge or did he just stuff his khakis with the sack he keeps his lies in? Everything is squint-worthy now!!!
Go ahead and add “Kim Gordon is talking shit about Courtney Love and Billy Corgan” after “Suge Knight is killing people, Missy Elliott is on TV and gas is under $2 a gallon” to your “the 90s really are back” joke.
Sonic Youth’s Kim Gordon wrote her memoir titled Girl In A Band and it wouldn’t be a Kim Gordon memoir if she didn’t yank at Courtney Love’s hair and put a wig on Billy Corgan’s bald head so she can yank that off too. The Guardian published a few pieces from Kim Gordon’s book, which comes out later this month, and she shows that amateur Katy Perry how to really shit talk. Kim says that Courtney is covered in “tarantula LA glamour” (that sounds like a compliment to me) and says that Billy Corgan doesn’t just look like an overgrown Benjamin Button baby, he is a baby:
On working with Courtney Love on Hole’s first album: “No one ever questions the disorder behind her tarantula LA glamour – sociopathy, narcissism – because it’s good rock and roll, good entertainment! I have a low tolerance for manipulative, egomaniacal behaviour, and usually have to remind myself that the person might be mentally ill.”
On Billy Corgan: “Courtney asked us for advice about her ‘secret affair’ with Billy Corgan. I thought, Ewwww, at even the mention of Billy Corgan, whom nobody liked because he was such a crybaby, and Smashing Pumpkins took themselves way too seriously and were in no way punk rock.”
On finding out that her now ex-husband Thurston Moore had a side piece: “No one could understand how Thurston, who always had a good nose for the user, the groupie, the nutcase or the hanger-on, had let himself get pulled under by her. I did feel some compassion for Thurston … but that’s a lot different to forgiveness.”a
One of my favorite sports is watching famous types scratch and gnaw at each other, but I squinted my eyes at something Kim said. I don’t think the Smashing Pumpkins were ever considered punk and I don’t know if they ever tried to be punk. But then again, I once watched two fake cholas badly dance to “Tonight, Tonight” while dressed up like dark fairies in my high school talent show and that’s pretty punk rock.
I don’t know if Kim is doing anyone full-time right now, but if she is, that someone better expect to receive a tear-stained, gunk-covered, strongly-worded letter from Billy Corgan warning them that she will ruin their life and career if they stay with her. It’ll be tear-stained and gunk-covered, because he’ll cry and spit up his creamed banana lunch while writing it.
Since season 6 of RuPaul’s Drag Race ended, it feels like we’ve all had dozens of birthdays, the Duggars have birthed out 90 more children and we all have grey pubes. It feels like it’s been decades since Drag Race has graced our screens. To quote Old Rose in Titanic: “It’s been 84 years…” But bitch is finally come back.
On March 2nd, Drag Race will serve up more C.U.N.T. (charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent) but they’ll do it without Santino Ross there to look the queens up and down with his droopy dog eyes. Drag Race is cutting out a whole lot of Rice from their diet for season 7. Santino Rice has been replaced by Carson Kressley and Ross Matthews, the dude who holds the Guinness World Record for being called “mam” at fast food drive-thrus at least two thousand times. Carson and Ross at the same judges’ table?! If Ru wanted to put together the most hyper humans on Earth, she needs to give herself a victory pat on the taint, because she achieved her mission. RIP to my TV speakers, because Ross and Carson are going to blow those whores out. If Ross and Carson ever argue at the judges’ table, it’s going to sound like the time I was in TopShop at The Grove and some chick’s Pomeranian and Chihuahua started fighting in her purse. I’m guessing future Celebrity Big Brother UK winner Michelle Visage kept a rhinestone-encrusted taser at her side just in case she needed to tame those hyper bitches.
Santino Rice will be back as a guest judge, though. Other guests judges are: original judge Merle Ginsburg, Ariana Grande Latte, John Waters, Olivia Newton-John, Rebecca Romjin, Jessica Alba, Demi Lovato, Scary Spice, Tamar Braxon, Kathy Griffin, Isaac Mizrahi, Kat Dennings, Michael Urie, Rachael Harris, Alyssa Milano, Lucian Pine and Jordin Sparks.
They had me at Olivia. Newton. John. And I’m surprised Isaac Mizrahi found time to guest judge in between teaching astronomy classes at MIT.
I guess the Reptilian from Benedict Cumberbatch’s home planet who trained him to talk and act like a modern day human before he came to Earth forgot to tell him that it’s probably not a good idea to refer to black people as “colored.” The alien lizard masquerading as a Posh British actor was on PBS’ The Tavis Smalley Show last week and they got into talking about diversity in Hollywood. B. Cums called black actors” colored” when talking about how there’s more roles in the US than in the UK for black actors. B. Cums’ great great great great great great great-granddaddy would be proud!
“I think as far as colored actors go, it gets really difficult in the U.K., and a lot of my friends have had more opportunities (in the U.S.) than in the U.K. and that’s something that needs to change.”
The clip is here if your ears need to hear it for themselves. Some people said that B. Cums should get a pass since he’s a privileged British person who was raised by privileged British people who still use outdated phrases from the old times, but many, many others including the UK-based organization Show Racism the Red Card slapped at his lizard slit of a mouth for saying that shit.
All together now: DUUUUUUUUUUUH.
In the back of my kitchen cupboard is an unopened jar of Orville Redenbacher kernels that I’ve been saving for the day that HBO’s documentary about Scientology comes out, because that shit is supposed to be the sole reason for why popcorn was invented. Documentary filmmaker Alex Gibney produced and directed Going Clear, which is based on Lawrence Wright’s book about the Church of E.T. Going Clear isn’t scheduled to show on HBO until March, but it screened at Sundance over the weekend and it supposedly made the jaws of critics (who haven’t read the book) hit the floor.
Going Clear covers the history of Scientology and exposes some of the crazy shit they’ve allegedly pulled. It also covers some of Scientology’s most famous disciples including Tom Cruise and John Travolta. The Daily Beast says that the documentary claims that John Travolta is pretty much wrapped around Scientology’s alien finger, because they have so much shit on him and if he so much as thinks of twirling out the door, they will expose his secrets. The documentary also spends some time covering the demise of Tommy and Nicole Kidman’s marriage at the hand of that shady bitch David Miscavige.
Joanna Krupa, sometimes model and reality trick from the now dead Real Housewives of Miami (Never 4get La Bruja) made good on her threat to sue the hanging tampon string out of full-time attention whore and Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ resident drunk shit stirrer Brandi Glanville for constantly bringing up the scent of her pussy. Oh America, the land of the free and the home of the trashy messes who can sue each other for saying that their vagina smells like rotten carp lying on the floor of a subway train in the middle of August.