Someone Is Leaking Alleged Naked Pictures Of Jennifer Lawrence And Every Other Famous Chick On Earth
Well, every famous chick on Earth except for Joan Collins, Charo, La Tigresa, Duchess of Alba, Chantal Biya and the Rhubarb Lady (read: all the famous ladies we really want to see topless selfies of). Why is it never Charo and the Rhubarb Lady?!
The Internet has pretty much exploded and it’s a damn miracle that every website hasn’t been obliterated into a million pieces from everyone freaking out over naked pictures of Jennifer Lawrence, Teresa Palmer, Kiki Dunst, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Hope Solo, Kate Upton and others that were splattered all over (NSFW) 4Chan today. The hacker who leaked them claims he’s got a video of JLaw giving a beej and has more nipple pictures of Amber Heard, Ariana Grande Latte, Mary-Kate Olsen, Avril Lavigne, Selena Gomez, Winona Ryder, Hilary Duff, Kaley Cuoco, Gabrielle Union and on and on and on.
Buzzfeed says that the hacker got a hold of all those nudes due to an iCloud leak. Because of the security leak, the hacker was able to hack into a bunch of phones. The hacker allegedly has over 60 pictures of JLaw alone. Victoria Justice is pulling some Blake Lively shit by saying, “It ain’t me,” but Jennifer Lawrence’s rep has pretty much confirmed it’s her in those pictures by telling TMZ that they’ve contacted the authorities:
“This is a flagrant violation of privacy. The authorities have been contacted and will prosecute anyone who posts the stolen photos of Jennifer Lawrence.”
Of course, whores are screaming, “THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULDN’T KEEP PICS OF YOUR PRIVATES ON YOUR PHONE!” You know, I agree. That is why whenever I need to send a trick a naked picture of me, I get one of those street cartoonists to draw me naked and then I mail it to him. The street cartoonists usually make my naked body look better, anyway.
And when I scanned that list, my eyes glazed over and I was overwhelmed with the “mehs” when I didn’t see the names: Anderson Cooper, Prince Hot Ginge, Joe ManJello, Carrot Top, ASkars and Idris Elba.
Oh and you know who’s behind this. I guess Goopy Paltrow has been taking hacking lessons in between her caviar farming classes and getting her anus gold leafed.
Oh, those were the days when Nick Cannon knew his role as a loyal, purse-holding consort and Mimi and her extra plump butterfly lips were in a pink cloud of happiness from having a devoted husband who stood on the sidelines holding her strawberry cheesecake Lip Smackers for her while she basked in the spotlight and got all the attention. Sadly, those days are over and Mimi’s chunky camel toe has deflated with sadness, because her marriage has about as much oxygen left in it as that poor dog did after Mimi put it in the dryer for that legendary episode of Cribs. Mimi and Nick’s marriage is done and today TMZ says that the whore that broke the camel toe’s spirit was humanity’s most destructive skank plague Kim Kartrashian.
Yesterday, Page Six said that Mimi and Nick have been done with each other for a while and they’ve been living in separate places. TMZ says that they’ve been over since May and have already been working with divorce lawyers to divide up their shit and work out a custody agreement for #dembabies. TMZ’s source says that their marriage of 6 years started to shrivel up and die in March when Nick Cannon admitted on Big Boy’s radio show that he fucked Kim Kartrashian. Mimi felt like Nick humiliated her. (I thought she didn’t know what a Kardashian was!) That didn’t stop Nick from spilling out their business some more. He later told Howard Stern that Mimi didn’t let him up into her Hello Kitty until their wedding night, and that didn’t help things.
Sofia Vergara hit the ho stroll in West Hollywood yesterday, and while walking in front of the paps, she casually and subtly flashed a diamond ring she wore on the finger that engaged hos usually wear a ring on. Or in her case, the finger that STUNT QUEEN’s wear a ring on when they really want to milk the life out of their PRomance by getting a “Yes, they’re engaged!” cover of Life & Style. When the pictures first came out yesterday, some thought that Sofia and Joe ManJello were taking their relationship to the next level and getting as much attention as possible before their contract expires. But Sofia and Joe aren’t engaged. She’s just punking our asses while whoring out her line for Kay Jewelers. If Sofia really, really wanted everyone to think she was engaged, she wouldn’t have worn a ring from Kay Jewelers. Because everyone know that if Joe was going to propose, he’d go to Jared.
E! News says that the face of CoverGirl, Diet Pepsi, Comcast, State Farm Insurance, Rooms to Go, some thyroid medication and every other product on this planet has just launched a joore line called “So Sofia” for Kay. Sofia should’ve called her line “So Shameless” for Kay. No, I can’t hate on Sofia’s hustle. But I can hate on her for not “designing” a diamond cock ring for Kay so Joe ManJello can wear it in the cell phone pics she’d eventually leak onto the Internet.
Sofia not only wore a diamond and amethyst ring from her collection, but she also wore the matching necklace. The ring looks like this close up:
It costs $1,200. Yes, that shit will cost you $1,200, but the shameful feeling you’ll get while telling your friends, “No, it’s not from Claire’s. It’s from Sofia Vergara’s line for Kay and it cost over a grand,” is priceless.
It turns out that the $1 million worth of Birkin bags and jewels that a thief stole from a Texas millionaire’s 3,000 square foot, three-story closet are worth about $10 and a $50 off coupon to a back alley plastic surgeon who specializes in implanting Sour Patch worms into lips. After a thief broke into Theresa Roemer’s trove of treasures while she and her husband were having dinner at their country club, she cried out Botox tears while telling reporters that the thief stole jewels and precious family heirlooms including a lock of hair from her son who died in a car accident. Well, the thief who stole that stuff is crying too, because they wasted their time by breaking into Theresa’s Houston mansion. A person claiming to be the thief called up The Houston Press and said that the jewels and bags they stole from Theresa’s closet are as fake and fraudulent as her lips, face and hair.
During a performance of last night’s most expensive lip-synching show in Las Vegas, one of Brit Brit Spears’ fans, who paid a lot of money to see her move her mouth and wave her arms, recorded a video of her looking like she’s moving her mouth to Sia’s vocals. Leave it to Our Lady of Cheetos to turn fuck effort lip-synching into an art form. Sia wrote that shit and recored a version with Brit Brit. I watched that Instagram video (via ONTD) way too many times and I can kind of hear Brit Brit’s auto-tuned chipmunk yodel underneath Sia’s voice, so who ever is in charge of pressing play on the track Brit Brit lip-synchs to probably pressed play on the wrong track. Brit Brit went on with the show, because she’s a real professional (and mostly because she had no idea what was going on and was too busy thinking about how she can’t wait for Daddy Spears to take her to Buffalo Wild Wings after she finished moving her mouth to that track.)
No, no, no, I was just making jokes about Brit Brit not singing live. We all know that Brit Brit doesn’t lip-synch. We all know that it’s physically impossible for her to open up her mouth without stunningly beautiful, on-key musical notes dancing off of her vocal cords. Brit Brit doesn’t even know what a “lip-synch” is! She thinks it’s a fancy name for “water fountain.” Not many people know this about Brit Brit, since she’s always been humble about her natural gifts, but she actually has two sets of vocal cords. So last night, the audience witnessed true greatness. Brit Brit not only naturally sang her part, but she also sang in the voice of Sia at the same time! Brit Brit’s audience didn’t watch lip-synching-gone-wrong last night. They watched a vocal wonder at work!
I also heard that during last night’s show, she actually did half of a kick ball change (so basically just a kick and a half of a ball or a “kick and a Lance Armstrong” as dance professionals call it). I know, Brit Brit really gave it her all and more last night. She should take the rest of the year off. She and her conjoined twin vocal cords earned it.
Dear Lobby of a NYC Hotel, feel our pain, because not many moments go by when Miley Cyrus isn’t terrorizing our retinas with the image of cooter abuse by flashing her hairless Nolichucky River beaver as it gasps for air while getting suffocated by her leotard.
Life & Style says that the spawn of Billy Ray Cyrus and a happy-go-lucky anime horse recently made a stop in NYC on her Bangerz world tour and the guests of the hotel she stayed in got a giant, sticky serving of her insufferableness. An “insider” tells Life & Style that Miley and her crew of hangers-on stayed at The Greenwich Hotel and they didn’t keep their foolery contained in their room. The foolery spilled out into the lobby and they tore the place apart. THEY WERE SMOKING POT! The “insider” said this:
“It was like a tornado hit the lobby. Miley and her posse took over, screaming and carrying on so much that management received a number of complaints. It was the kind of bad behavior you’d expect from a bunch of juvenile delinquents.”
Was my Catholic catechism teacher Life & Style’s “insider,” because she’s the only human alive I know who uses phrases like “juvenile delinquents.” Did the “insider” also say in a whispered voice (so that God’s ears couldn’t hear her), “They were also smoking that marry-juh-wan-uh.” The inside source was Mink Stole’s Serial Mom character, basically.
The source said that when management asked Miley if she could turn down the fuckery, she flipped out and channeled her beaver twin Justin Bieber:
“She started screaming at them and saying that she’s spent so much money there that they should be glad to have her. She basically threw a tantrum and acted like a spoiled brat.”
Management handled it all wrong. When a rabid, trailer trash, methed-out beaver comes into your space, you’re not supposed to try to reason with it, because it will violently twerk on you and then you’ll end up in the ER with a serious rabies infection. What you’re supposed to do is calmly place a blunt in front of it and as it chews on the edges of that blunt, you drop a net over it and call its wrangler (read: Billy Ray). If you don’t have a blunt, push one of those doggy sex toys in front of it and call its wrangler while it humps away.
And since we’re on the subject of Cyruses bringing terror upon the public, here’s Trace Cyrus and his band Metro Station, wreaking havoc on your ears with their new song and video. It’s like a Good Charlotte abortion.
On a positive note, unlike his piece of trash sister who doesn’t know how to act right in public, Trace is very well-mannered and well-behaved. I mean, have you ever seen a wild Emo horse sit so gentlemanly-like on a sofa?
Here’s Miley, her assistant Cheyne and one of her dogs leaving The Greenwich Hotel after almost destroying it.
Not pictured: North West’s mother (read: the nanny) standing to the side and showing her a picture of Pimp Mama Kim and Pimp Daddy Kanye to bring that confused “Who’s that?” pout out of her.
Last month, Kanye Kardashian (née West) mouth farted out this shit dingle of lies during one of his rants:
“I want my daughter to have that opportunity to decide whether she wants to be famous or not. I think to myself, what the fuck am I going to do, how can I change it and how can I give my daughter her childhood?”
And here’s his daughter being pimped out while wearing Chanel in a picture shot by Michael Avedon, Richard Avedon’s grandson, for CR Fashion Book. It’s the nepotism issue! And Kunty Karl is so right. It’s never too early to care about fashion and I’m sure North West is showing she cares by taking a Chanel logo-shaped dump in her Chanel diaper.
via The Telegraph
Five years ago, Detective Courtney Love and her sidekick Professor Adderall searched the foggy cobblestone streets (read: got all the way high while watching Scooby Doo) for the blatant thieves who stole $30 million in cash and $500 million in property from Kurt Cobain’s estate. Well, after Detective Courtney and Professor Adderall searched under every
crack rock and checked every corner of the crack house world, they finally raised their magnifying glasses on the criminal mastermind who lifted millions from Kurt Cobain’s estate. Detective Courtney Love discovered that Detective Courtney Love is the one who took all that money. PLOT TWIST (not really)! If this was an episode of Murder, She Wrote and Jessica Fletcher just announced that it was Courtney Love who used a shovel to scoop out millions of dollars from the checking account of Kurt Cobain’s estate, the camera would pan to everybody in the room slowly combusting inside from SHOCK.
Cracked Out Courtney tells The Daily Mail (via Page Six) that yeah, she burned through $27 million throughout the years, but it’s really not that big of a deal, because it’s not like she made that money and think of all the South Americans who make pennies an hour from cooking up the bad shit that she buys by the truck load. They should call Courtney “madre“! Because Courtney’s brain has melted into a thick puddle of sticky delusion, she thinks that $27 million is only a lifetime of money to people. But Courtney isn’t crying over all those lost millions, because she has enough money to pay her back alley pharmacists, so she’s cool. »
Star Magazine’s cover story this week is filled with tricks who claimed they dated an A-lister and are spilling everything. The stories are one hundred percent real and they were not written by interns who are majoring in fanfiction writing. One dude claims that he went out with the least popular Lalaloopsy doll Taylor Swift and she talked about her cats the entire time and some trick claims that Leonardo DiCatchAHo’s got a Titanic-sized dick and he came after one minute. But the best totally authentic and real tidbit came from some curvy blonde who says that her twat went where the entire Internet wants to go: Ryan Gosling’s peen. The curvy blonde tells Star that she bumped wet parts with Ryan after meeting at a club. She says the sex was good, but afterward, so many emotions filled Ryan’s sensitive soul that tears poured out of his eyes. Ryan’s one of those post-cum criers. Us cold-hearted sluts avoid those the same way hair avoids Justin Bieber’s upper lip, because what are you supposed to do with a naked, crying dude with a soft peen? (“Um, use his tears as lube and ask him if he wants to go again. Duh.” – you)
Ryan’s one-night trick put it like this (via Celebitchy):
“He was the best lover I’ve ever had,” recalls a curvy blonde, who shared a night of passion with Ryan after meeting him at a nightclub. But once the lovemaking was over, things took a turn.
“I thought I heard him sniffling,” she says. “Then I realized he had tears gushing down his face. I asked if he was all right, and he said he gets emotional sometimes.”
Ryan Gosling cried, because as he sat on the edge of that bed, he realized that since he is Ryan Gosling, he’ll never ever get to experience the beautiful magic of fucking Ryan Gosling. Ryan Gosling cried for himself, because it’s physically impossible for him to look up and see Ryan Gosling’s perfectly chiseled adonis face staring back at him as Ryan Gosling does him good missionary-style. Ryan Gosling continued to weep, because he knows that science still has a long way to go before humans can be cloned, which means that he won’t be able to clone himself anytime soon. Ryan cried for himself and cried for science. You can’t blame him. You would cry too if it was physically and scientifically impossible for you to fully fuck Ryan Gosling. Let’s all cry for Ryan Gosling.
And here’s Ryan Gosling’s new wax statue at Madame Tussaud’s in London. It needs more post-cum tears.
Around three weeks ago, serial bride Pamela Anderson filed papers to legally quit her third husband Rick Salomon AGAIN and I figured it was because her pussy got the yawns and was ready to find another peen to marry. But in the wise words of Kim Kartrashian’s life stalker Naya Rivera, “True love always prevails!”
Like a hep c rash that refuses to fully go away, Pamela and Rick’s love has flared up again. The Canadian American rose and the pokah playa who looks like the butt fuck baby of Dean McDermott and KFed are vacationing in Sardinia, Italy together and yesterday they touched mouths on the balcony and she proved she really loves him by giving his hairy tits a quick breast cancer check. Pamela filed to divorce Rick just days after he won $2 million in a poker tournament and I thought that was a move worthy of the Gold Digger Hall of Fame. So I’m not sure why she’s back with his ass? Maybe he’s got a few more poker tournaments coming up and she’s hoping her divorce settlement grows. Or maybe it truly is real love (HA!). I always thought that Pamela marrying Wonky McValtrex’s sex tape partner again was like putting on a used condom. Maybe Pamela has realized that she loves that used condom feeling and doesn’t want to let it go. Dirty, kinky bitch.