Lana Del Rey, the character played by Elizabeth Woolridge Grant and created with her rich daddy’s money, tells Complex that she tried to fuck her way to the top, but giving dudes in the industry a taste of her Pepsi-Cola pussy (“Eh, tastes more like a bland and flat Pepsi knock-off bought at Big Lots.” – every industry dude who’s tasted her Shasta Cola pussy) didn’t even put her on the first step of the ladder. During her interview with Complex, the world’s first fully functional comatose patient was asked if her song “Fucked My Way Up To The Top” is a commentary on people thinking she fucked for a record deal or if she really did use her coochie to get ahead. Blahna Del Meh said that it’s commentary, but she has dropped her twat on a lot of music industry dick.
There are a few different ways to take your song “Fucked My Way Up to the Top.” Is it about people not wanting to give you credit for your success? Or is it about fucking people to get to the top?
It’s commentary, like, “I know what you think of me,” and I’m alluding to that. You know, I have slept with a lot of guys in the industry, but none of them helped me get my record deals. Which is annoying.
Help me, I’m beginning to like Lana Del Rey again. I love it when a ho, even a fictional one, admits that she tried to sex her way to success, but failed, because it was kind of impossible for the industry dudes to sign her to a record deal when they were in a deep coma after putting their mouths on a giant, human Ambien pill. But Lana is doing some grade A trolling as always, because why would she need to suck dick for record deals when she’s got her daddy’s millions? That song should’ve been called “My Daddy’s Wallet Bought My Way Up To The Top-ish.”
Boning old, gross dudes for the possibility of a record deal is one thing (I mean, I’ve boned old, gross dudes for a lot less), but how she can explain fucking current day Axl Rose after getting a record deal? I’m guessing that the only thing she got out of that is the recurring nightmare of the Crisco and coke-infused sweat drops from his bloated ginger Wilford Brimley face splashing her in the eyes as he did her missionary-style.
I haven’t watched the first episode of LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian’s “semi-scripted” dried turd of reality show on Vh1, because I am a disgusting, gross, easy pig slut when it comes to TV (and everything else) and I should try to have SOME standards. I recorded LeAnn & Eddie, though, and when I’ve gone into my DVR to play an episode of quality television like Dating Naked and Topless Prophet on Cinemax, it stares at me like a wet, oozing herp sore on a short, soft peen. I can’t bring myself to watch it. Apparently, I’m not alone, because Deadline says that the first episode of The Home Wrecking Squints was watched by 374,000 viewers. To put that number into perspective, Grumpy Cat was on QVC at 7 in the morning yesterday and more hos probably watched that shit (and sadly, I was one of those hos). LeAnn & Eddie were beat by Dog with a Blog, an episode of Seinfeld and COPS. Deadline says that Vh1′s Dating Naked got 826,000 viewers, but when LeAnn Rimes’ “melting Play-Doh figurine of a demon pony” face popped up after it, everyone turned their TVs off.
The rest of VH1’s new programming on VH1 might have wanted to strip down a bit to do better. Coming after the 551,000 who watched the debut of Candidly Nicole, the 10:30 premiere of Leann And Eddie was seen by a total 374,000 audience of 374,000. The former was up 51% from last quarter among the 18-49s with 325,000 watching while the later up just 19% over the last quarter’s average in the time slot with 252,000 viewers in the demo.
To recap: more than twice the number of hos who suffered through LeAnn & Eddie watched a show with a bunch of naked people. For the love of humanity’s eyeballs, don’t let that give Falkor ideas!!! (Eddie, okay, but not Falkor!) And poor Eddie’s probably going to have to take his side pieces to the Super 8 instead of the Hilton. LeAnn probably cut his allowance, because she needed the money to buy 374,000 TVs and 374,000 different cable connections. You didn’t think 374,000 actual people watch that wreck, did you?
And here’s Falkor looking like a horse skeleton in lazy Stevie Nicks drag while protecting the peen she paid for at the Luli Fama fashion show in Miami yesterday.
A few years ago, Faith Hill verbally slapped a trick with a speech about ~CLASS~ when that trick grabbed at Tim McGraw’s balls during a show in Louisiana. Well, 7 years later and hos are still grabbing at Tim McGraw’s goods, but this time, Faith Hill wasn’t there to let a handsy slut know that her husband’s crotch fruit is only ripe for her picking.
TMZ posted two videos of the buff piece of hairless daddy jerky yodeling out his song “Truck Yeah” at a show in Atlanta on Sunday. After Tim sashays into a sea of hands, one of those hands grabs at his leg and I guess that hand didn’t get what it wanted, because it went in for a second time and during the second time, she ripped his ripped jeans some more. Tim is either real serious about his jeans or he felt like that trick was about to give him a “turn your head and cough test,” because he swatted her hand away before playing a quick game of Patty Cake on her face. That scene is a country song come to life. Face slappin’ and jeans rippin’. Throw in a cryin’ baby and a cheatin’ bastard and it’d be the new country anthem. Tim’s rep told TMZ that the fan wouldn’t let go of his leg and he only swatted her away so he could keep it moving:
“Tim was singing out in the audience and someone firmly grabbed onto his leg and wouldn’t let go as he was moving through the crowd. He instinctively swatted to try to keep them from ripping his jeans (which they succeeded at doing!), and so he could get to more fans who could slap hands with him before the end of the show.”
Everyone involved in this is a mess. That chick is a mess, because we all learned in kindergarten that if you can’t keep your hands to yourself, sit on them. Just because she paid $15 for a Tim McGraw ticket (I’m guessing that $15 is what the most expensive ticket at a Tim McGraw concert costs and if it’s any more than that, chick should slap herself) doesn’t mean she can feel him up whenever she wants. It’s not a petting zoo, bitch. The 14-year-old in me is also cringing at her ripping his jeans, because the 14-year-old in me would spend hours on the living room floor meticulously adding perfect rips to my jeans like I was Michelangelo painting the Sistine Chapel ceiling (it was the 90s). Tim is a mess, because yeah, he should’ve swatted her hand away, but did he really need to slap her in the face? (“YES!!!!” – 14-year-old me taking a break from meticulously adding perfect rips to my jeans)
We can spend HOURS arguing who is the messiest in this situation, but instead of doing that, let’s come together and agree that our ears are also victims here, because we forced them to listen to a few seconds of “Truck Yeah.”
TMZ says that Rosie O’Donnell has officially signed on to The View and next season she will check back into the crazy coop of insane pecking hens. ABC wants Rosie back, because they think she’ll rise The View out of the wet shit puddle of stupidity that Jenny McCarthy and Sherri Shepherd left. Rosie wants to go back to The View, because she misses making Donald Trump cream out of his b-hole with her opinion and she also needs the check so she can keep doing Lucifer’s work (read: buying more CROCs).
TMZ says that Rosie and ABC were negotiating for a few days and they finally shook hands on the deal yesterday. They’re supposed to make an announcement any second. So far Whoopi and Rosie are the only hos sitting at the table next season. The producers are looking for two more and they want a Latina (CAST CHARO!) and a conservative (CAST JAN CROUCH!).
I don’t know about this, Rosie on The View just isn’t going to be the same without that human version of a hyena’s shrill-cry Elisabeth Hasselcrack. Who is Rosie going to make cry? I hope they at least put a stuffed Hasselcrack doll next to Rosie so she can gnaw on its face and yell at it when she gets the rage.
And I’m sensing a theme….
Whoopi had a talk show in the 90s and Rosie O had a talk show in the 90s… I really hope the producers makes all my 90s dreams come true by filing The View with an all-star cast of lady hosts from 90s talk shows next season. Jenny Jones and Rolonda better crawl out from whatever rock they’ve been living under and call their agents (if they still have one of those)!
SiriusXM nearly caused hos to die of SHOCK last night when they announced that they pink-slipped Anthony Cumia of the Opie & Anthony show after he went on a racist, messy Twitter rant. In case you’re looking at me like, “The hell are you going on about?” (Side note: You probably do that often), Anthony claimed he was taking scenic pictures of the gorgeous scaffolding in Times Square one night (but he was probably taking creep shots) when a lady walked into his shot and didn’t like him taking a picture of her. Anthony claims that she punched him and a bunch of black guys helped her out by beating him up some more. He didn’t scream for the police or anything, but he did use his fingers to shit out a rant where he called her a “cuntrag bitch animal pig face,” (that sounds like the name of a punk rock Miss Piggy and Animal tribute band) said black people are “savages,” said she’s lucky he didn’t shoot her with the gun he carries and said that he hopes a “homeboy beats her to death.” Among other things…
Anybody who has listened to Opie & Anthony probably blinked a few times, said “oh” to themselves and continued to sip their lukewarm tea, because he’s been saying crap like that for years. Most figured that Sirius wouldn’t do a thing. But since Anthony’s latest Donald Sterling-approved rant got a lot of attention, Sirius fired him to take the heat off of their asshole. Sirius celebrated the 4th by declaring independence from Anthony Cumia. They released this statement to Buzzfeed last night.
SiriusXM has terminated its relationship with Anthony Cumia of the Opie & Anthony channel. The decision was made, and Cumia informed, late Thursday, July 3 after careful consideration of his racially-charged and hate-filled remarks on social media. Those remarks and postings are abhorrent to SiriusXM, and his behavior is wholly inconsistent with what SiriusXM represents.
If you take the “bullshit” filter off that statement, it would read: “This dumb motherfucker is out there spewing the racist crap we paid him a lot of money to spew on one of our shows FOR FREE. What’s the point of paying a subscription for the racist stuff you can get on Twitter at no charge?”
Anthony already responded to this on Twitter and can’t believe he was fired for doing something that isn’t illegal.
Sirius decided to cave and fire me. Welcome to bizarro world. Fired for shit that wasn't even on the air & wasn't illegal. So, who's next?
— Anthony Cumia (@AnthonyCumia) July 4, 2014
Anthony does have a point. If you ever get fired for coming into work drunk and for taking a nap under your cubicle desk, immediately call Olivia Pope, the police and Larry H. Parker. Because you can’t get fired for doing something not illegal and morning drinking and napping is totally legal. This is America.
We’ve seen this all before. He’ll be back. He’ll get another show and I’m sure it’ll be on WET (White Entertainment Television) whenever Paula Deen, Donald Sterling and Phil Robertson get around to launching it. And I bet Anthony wishes Sirius Black owned SiriusXM, because if that was the case, his ass would’ve gotten a $1 million raise.
Beyonce Posts A Perfect Family Portrait Days After She Might’ve Called Out Jay-Z’s Wandering Camel Dick
Last weekend, Beyonce changed a few lyrics in her song “Resentment” during a show in Ohio and some thought it was her way of yanking on Jay-Z’s slut whore cock and letting everyone know that she doesn’t approve of him camel humping every trick he comes across. Beyonce never issued a statement about that claim, because only uncreative, basic peon fools issue regular, old statement of words. Real artistes respond through ART! So yesterday, Beyonce posted two pictures to her site of her, the slutty camel and the deity that Jesus prays to every night, Blue Ivy Carter (in a matching dress, of course), at the Kara Walker exhibit at the Domino Sugar Factory in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Beyonce dressed herself up like the perfect, little Stepford Wife.
Once again, I have to ask, WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN!!!?!
Did Beyonce do herself up like the perfect, little 1960s housewife, because she’s telling everyone that Jay-Z is a controlling husband who expects her to be his subservient woman? After Jay-Z comes home after a long day of sticking his whore dick in side piece after side piece, does he expect Beyonce to have dinner (that was prepared by their in-house chefs) on the table and his home to be in pristine condition (thanks to the team of maids) and Blue Ivy Carter fast asleep in her solid gold manger after her weeknight nanny Michelle Williams sang her a lullaby? Is that what Beyonce’s trying to tell us? That Beyonce is the Julia Roberts to Jay-Z’s Patrick Bergin? Blink three times if you need help, Beyonce. Blink three times.
No, Beyonce’s not that deep. She probably dressed like that, because Tina Knowles programmed her to wear that dress with those shoes.
You didn’t need Beyonce to tell you through one of her songs that Jay-Z has probably spit his camel saliva on his side piece’s crotch before riding that trick raw, but she’s going to tell you anyway, because she’s got a tour to sell. Rumors of Jay-Z’s wandering dick antics have been around since the beginning of Bey-Z time, but ever since Basement Baby tried to commit camel slaughter (call PETA!) in an elevator, more rumors have popped up. If anyone can take a rumor and stretch it out for maximum attention, it’s Beyonce. So during her and Jay-Z’s show in Cincinnati, OH on Saturday night, Beyonce perked up the ears of the BumbleBeys when she changed a few lyrics in her song “Resentment” (video below, starts at around the 3:25 mark). The Mirror says that Beyonce changed the lyrics “been riding with you for 6 years” to “been riding with you for 12 years” which is how long she’s been riding the camel. The STUNT QUEEN of Dereon also changed this lyric:
I gotta look at her in her eyes and see she’s had half of me.
To this lyric:
I gotta look at her in her eyes and see she’s had half of me. She ain’t even half of me. That bitch will never be.
Beyonce can fuck herself in the ass with that “half of me” shit. She has a lot of nerve singing that when “Resentment” was originally sung by Posh Spice. And Beyonce doesn’t even have half of the nightingale vocal skills that Posh Spice has and she never will.
BUT WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?!
Well, it could be one of two things. This could be another calculated move from Beyonce and Jay-Z and they’ll keep dropping hints like this throughout the tour and during the final show, she’ll serve him divorce papers while singing “Irreplaceable.” Or Beyonce is letting Jay-Z know that he better keep his sluttin’ ways on the down low or she’ll leave a trail of hay from his dressing room to the bottom of the basement stairs where a whoopin’ ass-ready Basement Baby will be waiting for him.
But in more important news, why the hell is Beyonce wearing a wedding outfit? Bitch, you ain’t Miss Havisham.
Twitter exploded into a thousand “What’s next? Miley Cyrus playing Adina Howard in a Lifetime biopic?” jokes when two weeks ago Lifetime announced that 17-year-old Disney star Zendaya was going to play Aaliyah in a Lifetime biopic called Aaliyah: Princess of R&B. Some of Aaliyah’s fans farted out some shit about how Zendaya isn’t “black enough” and her dad said that she’d “black it up” for the role by getting a tan. On top of all that shit, Aaliyah’s family was pissed that Lifetime never asked them for permission and they think that Aaliyah’s story shouldn’t be told in some dried turd of a basic cable movie. Before filming even started, Lifetime’s Aaliyah movie was turning into a major shitty mess and now it’s a major shitty mess that doesn’t star Zendaya, because she dropped out.
Zendaya’s spokeswhore tells the NYDN that she’s no longer involved and her rep didn’t exactly say why. But E! News says that Zendaya might’ve dropped out because the producers are having trouble getting the rights to Aaliyah’s music. Aaliyah’s family would never let Lifetime use Aaliyah’s voice, so the plan was for Zendaya to sing all the songs herself, but that can’t happen if they don’t have the rights. Some source spit this out:
“Aaliyah has always been an inspiration to Zendaya. She was honored to portray her and pay tribute to her. If she is going to do it, she wants to do it right.”
Lifetime is putting that mess of a biopic on hold until they get their shit together (SPOILER ALERT: It’ll never happen, because they’ll never get their shit together). My thoughts are with the pus-filled oozing urethra pimple that Lifetime hired to play R. Kelly. It’s going to be devastated to learn that it won’t be making its basic cable debut anytime soon.
Yes, Zendaya dodged a shit bullet, but she should’ve never been cast in the first place. She looks too young to play Aaliyah. If Lifetime was making a biopic about the life of the baby laughing in Aaliyah’s song “Are You Somebody?”, then Zendaya would’ve nailed it since she looks like she came out of her mother’s vagine about 5 minutes ago.
And every time I read a headline about Zendaya starring in the Aaliyah biopic for Lifetime, I read her name as “Sanjaya” and for a brief second my nipples got moist thinking about Sanjaya dancing in a crop top and capris on top of a boat.
Here’s Zendaya at the Pre-BET Awards dinner in L.A. last night.
Bad news for those of you hoping to take in a second serving of Kristen Stewart’s emotionally raw and multi-layer take on Snow White in the sequel to Snow White and the Huntsman. You’ll have to watch her other movies to see her stare at the other actors like a stoned, brain-dead baby deer caught in the headlights and listen to her quietly heavy breathe like she’s giving birth in a library. Because she’ll hardly be in the sequel, if she’s in it at all. If Snow White is in the sequel to Slow White and the Cuntsmen, it’ll only be a cameo appearance and I’m taking that to mean that while the Huntsman is walking through the forest he’ll catch her getting her crotch apple eaten by one of the dwarves in the back of a wagon.
Nobody needs a sequel to SWATH, but since the first one made almost $400 million worldwide and whores (including this whore) will pay good money to see Chris Hemsworth’s gigantic arms swing shit around, Universal is putting out a second movie that will come out sometime in 2016. The second movie will be all about the Huntsman. Charlize Theron will probably be back as the Evil Queen. KStew’s Mini Cooper munch partner, Rupert Sanders, is out and director Frank Darabont, who created The Walking Dead and directed The Shawshank Redemption, is in.
I wonder if ~romance~ between the leading ho and the director will strike again and Chris and Frank will get really, really close during filming. Then after the movie comes out, a pap will catch Frank slurping on Chris Hemsworth’s butt box while they’re both crammed into a parked Mini Cooper. They have to do it. It’s tradition now!
Last night, two locals papers in Mississippi restored my faith in humanity and unrestored my faith in humanity at the same time when they reported that the story about the disfigured little girl who was kicked out of a KFC in Jackson for offending the eyes of its customers never happened in real-life. 3-year-old Victoria Wilcher’s family claimed that because of the shitty incident, she didn’t want to go outside anymore and didn’t want to look in a mirror. But it was reported that an investigation showed that Victoria’s family pulled a grift to raise money for her medical expenses. Anonymous sources said that investigators went through surveillance footage from the day of the supposed verbal slap down on an innocent little girl and they didn’t find Victoria or her grandma Kelly Mullins anywhere inside that KFC. Victoria’s family shat on the reports and swore that it’s not a hoax and they’ll wait for what KFC has to say. Well, KFC has something to say. In the wise words of Lucy when she and Ethel got caught trying to be fake geishas, “THE JIG IS UP!”
KFC tells ABC News that after two investigations, an internal one and one done by a third-party, there’s zero evidence that proves the incident happened. They spent hours going through all the footage and interviewing employees. They reached out to Victoria’s family and asked them if they can provide any evidence. KFC still plans to donate $30,000 to Victoria’s family to pay for her medical bills. After KFC announced that Victoria’s family probably conned the Internet, they pulled down the Victoria’s Victories Facebook page and deleted the GoFundMe campaign, which was up to $135,000. The family is still standing by their story and released this statement to The Clarion-Ledger:
“It is unfortunate that Victoria and her family are being vilified on what appears to be the result of an inconclusive investigation conducted by KFC and/or its agents that implies Victoria’s story is a “hoax.” It is deeply disappointing that other parties have taken opportunity to attack Victoria through social and news media outlets. Victoria is an innocent child with very real physical and emotional scars. The focus of her family has always been, and will always be on Victoria and making her whole again.”
Yes, it was a lazy scheme and no self-respecting con artist would pull that kind of amateur crap, but hey, they got the money and hopefully they’ll use it to treat the scars that little Victoria got from getting mauled by her granddaddy’s 3 pit bulls.
You know, I’m grateful to Victoria’s scheming family, because their story has helped me remember a memory I forgot. When I was a kid, I caught crabs and anal warts from a McDonald’s ball pit. Yes, it took over 30 years for the crabs and anal warts to show up on my body, but I have them today. So where’s my $30,000 from McDonald’s?! Before McDonald’s says that they have to check the surveillance footage from that day, I need to remind them that surveillance cameras didn’t exist back then. All the goings-on in their restaurants were documented by a sketch artist and the sketch artist happened to be at lunch when I went into the ball pit. So give me my money, McDonald’s! I’ll even take my money in McDonald’s coupon books.