Joanna Krupa, sometimes model and reality trick from the now dead Real Housewives of Miami (Never 4get La Bruja) made good on her threat to sue the hanging tampon string out of full-time attention whore and Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ resident drunk shit stirrer Brandi Glanville for constantly bringing up the scent of her pussy. Oh America, the land of the free and the home of the trashy messes who can sue each other for saying that their vagina smells like rotten carp lying on the floor of a subway train in the middle of August.
No, Jennifer Aniston is not shoving pie filling from a jar into her mouth hole to keep herself from bawling while listening to “Quit Playing Games (With My Heart)” over and over again after Oscar became the latest asshole to screw with her emotions. As The Hollywood Reporter says, Jennifer Aniston is doing fine! She’s rich, she’s got Justin Theroux and she’s not wearing pants. She’s fine and you shouldn’t believe all the future tabloid covers that will read: “Poor, Miserable Jen In A Tailspin Of Emotions After Getting Rejected Again!”
Seen above looking like she’s taking a really happy shit, Jennifer Aniston did a really, really, long, long interview with The Hollywood Reporter where she talked about having Dyslexia, talking to Brad Pitt and having kids. You know, the usual.
Jennifer Aniston and St. Angie Jolie were in the same room last night (TMZ has riveting picture proof of it) and surprisingly they didn’t Vaseline up their faces, take off their jewelry, pull their hair back and scratch at each other while Maddox and Justin Theroux shouted, “Whoop that trick!” They didn’t run into each other and nothing happened, but hos (this ho included) made a big deal about it and Jennifer Aniston thinks we all need to move on. Jennifer told Entertainment Tonight that after 10 years, 10 million tabloid covers and 35 million blog posts (half of which probably came from this blog), it’s time for us to let go of the “Aniston vs. Brangelina” saga for once and for all. What Angelina did was very uncool, but Jennifer is long over it and wants everyone to join her.
“I think that’s slowly coming to an end. I really do. I mean, [Unbroken] is so beautiful and wonderful and she did such a gorgeous job. I think that it’s time people stop with that petty B.S. and just start celebrating great work and stop with the petty kind of silliness. It’s just tiresome and old. It’s like an old leather shoe. Let’s buy a new pair of shiny shoes.”
So if this shit is over, what are we supposed to talk about then? What are we supposed to fight about? Are we supposed to talk about the weather? Are we supposed to talk about our own boring lives? Doesn’t Jennifer Aniston know that if the feud that the media won’t let die truly dies, tabloids will crumble, people will lose their jobs and we’ll all aimlessly wander around in this new, confused world?
I see what Jennifer is really doing here. She’s trying to drop St. Angie’s guard. After those two go out for a cordial lunch, they’ll go shopping for those new shiny shoes and as St. Angie goes to try them on, Jennifer will grab that home wrecking hussy harlot whore’s hair and drag her across the floor while screaming, “Gotcha, bitch!” Yeah, that’s what’s going on and I can wait to read all about it in InTouch Weekly’s cover story titled: “Jennifer To Angelina: ‘You’re petty and tiresome!’“
Nikki Reed’s divorce to her husband of 3 years was finalized about one millisecond ago (specifically, less than a month) and she’s been rubbing wet parts against fellow fake vampire Ian Somerhalder for about two milliseconds (specifically, six months), but she’s already said yes to marrying his ass. Fast bitches move fast. They pressed the “lesbians on speed” button on their relationship and are going all the way real fast.
After six months of dating a trick, you may start hanging around his place more often and you may begin to see if you can trust him by revealing dark secrets about yourself like how you paid full price for the One Direction album and how every now and again you get nostalgic by jacking off while watching that scene in California Dreams where Sly takes his top off. But these two have done a lot in the six months they’ve been together. They moved in together, adopted a horse and a kitten together and have gone into business with each other by starting a production company. And now they may be engaged.
Here I was thinking that John Travolta had a specially made, well-ventilated workout wig made for when he pumps it up at the gym, but nope. Scientology’s sweetheart goes completely natural and leaves his hair hanging on the rearview mirror in his car.
A Redditor writes that he was working out at the gym at around 3 in the morning when suddenly the ceiling opened up and one of the stars in the sky fell into the gym and after it exploded, John Travolta stepped out from the cloud of smoke. No, that last part didn’t happen, but the dude did write that he thought he was all alone in the gym at 3 in the morning when John Travolta came up to him and introduced himself. When John Travolta introduces himself to you at 3 in the morning in an empty gym, you probably think that he’s going to ask you if you take Xenu as your lord and savior or ask you if you’ve got any massage oil in your bag. Or both.
John Travolta getting friendly with the only other dude in the gym at 3 in the morning isn’t shocking, but letting the dude take a picture of him without his lace front on is. The entire wig industry is probably letting out a slow, silent cry while looking at this picture in horror, because if John Travolta is getting comfortable enough with going out in public without his hair on, their careers are in danger.
And on another note, the hell is John Travolta doing in a Planet Fitness. They don’t even have massage rooms. They have massage chairs. He probably gets turned on by the fact that it has the word “planet” in its name.
via Gawker (Thanks to everybody who sent this in)
Sometime actor and whoop-a-trick grand champion Olivier Martinez may find his ass being investigated by the LAPD again after he attacked a dude with an empty car seat at LAX yesterday afternoon. I know, this is so out of character for Olivier Martinez, because he’s always been known to be a sweet, serene and calm soul who could tame a rabid hyena with his soothing touch. Olivier is practically human Valerian and medical professionals have said that if you’re having a severe panic attack and don’t have any meds on you, just suck on Olivier’s peen because he cums liquid Valium. He’s that calm.
While looking like a hitchhiker-murdering serial killer from the 70s, Olivier went through LAX yesterday with Halle Berry, their son Maceo and her daughter Nahla. Halle held onto Maceo and Olivier held onto a car seat as they walked passed a bunch a paparazzi. LAX Airport Police tell TMZ that at one point the paps got really close to Olivier and his family and so he responded by using the car seat as a battering ram to knock a trick over. TMZ has video of Olivier shoving what looks like an airport employee to the floor. The airport employee complained about stomach pain, so the paramedics were called and he was treated at the scene before he was shuffled off to the hospital. On a scale from Kristen Stewart to Bjork, Olivier Martinez’s act of airport rage falls somewhere in the middle.
In Olivier’s defense (I hate myself for typing that), the airport employee he attacked was trying to take pictures of the baby. TMZ has a different video of the airport employee joining the pack of paps by recording video of Halle and her family with his phone. When I saw the first video, I let out a “Bitch is gonna get sued.” When I saw the second video, I really let out a “Bitch is gonna get sued,” because that airport employee might need some cash since he’ll probably be out of a job soon.
And since Halle and Olivier are getting some bad press, expect TMZ to post a story from an “inside source” who claims that Gabriel Aubry is a member of West Hollywood’s KKK chapter and once murdered an LAX employee and used bones from the dead body to make a car seat which he made Nahla sit in several times.
St. Angie Jolie Has No Comment About Being Called A “Minimally Talented Spoiled Brat” In Hacked Sony Emails
By the way, that screen shot is the moment when Al Roker sharted during their interview.
When Amy Adams made it clear that she didn’t want to talk about the Sony hacking scandal and eventually said she’d spit out a “no comment” if asked about it, the Today show producers canceled her interview and showed her ass the exit door. But the saintly ass-kissing producers know not to do that to the most powerful deity in the world, St. Angie Jolie, because if they pulled that shit with her, Today would be canceled and the producers would be lucky to get a job on a public access morning show in Lost Springs, Wyoming.
Angie spent a piece of her New Year’s doing an interview with Today’s Al Roker and when he asked her about being bashed by Scott Rudin in those hacked emails, she had zero comment. I guess she figured that she doesn’t need to talk about it since she’s already punished Scott Rudin by banishing him to the middle of the desert Sarah-style. But St. Angie did talk about other HIGHLY IMPORTANT shit like being pox’d and her cooking skills:
On her cooking skills: I would love to think of myself as the classic mom at home. I’m one of those people that I’ll learn some random, exotic meal from… I can do a really interesting Afghan dish with eggplant, but I don’t know how to make basic spaghetti. I’m just that person.
On directing Brad Pitt in their own Eyes Wide Shut called By The Sea: It was great. You get nervous because you love somebody and you want to help them. As a director, you want to help your actor. As a wife, you really want to help your husband. You want everything to be right for them. But if you work with the person you love and trust most in this world, it’s pretty great.
On getting chickenpox: It was so absurd. What was even stranger, during the day before, I was doing interviews and I was like, “What is happening?!” It was really fun that my kids took the mantle. They took it very seriously when I said, “You’ve got to represent mom.”
On not getting any Golden Globe nominations for Unbroken: We’ve had some lovely responses and lovely accolades, but nothing beats the audience responding to it. When you make this kind of film, all the other stuff is wonderful, but it really means nothing if the audience doesn’t connect to it. Because this film is made for them. That would’ve been heartbreaking for us if we didn’t connect to the audience, so we’re over the moon.
Leave it to St. Angie Jolie to commit the first “Over the Moon” violation of 2015. She just had to drag that shit into the new year. She should be punished for that one. But then again she was already punished by getting Al Roker as her interviewer. Not Hoda, not Tamron, not Willie, not Natalie and not even Savannah. Angie got the weather guy. I guess it could’ve been worse, though. She could’ve gotten the douchebag full of lukewarm smugness that is Matt Lauer.
The kid from 3rd Rock From The Sun (or as I know him as, DJ’s annoying ass friend on Roseanne) got married in a SHHH ceremony a few days before Christmas. If I knew that Joseph Gordon-Levitt had a girlfriend, then I completely forgot about that information and it was obviously removed from the battered metal memory cabinet in my brain and replaced with more important information like the middle names of the Property Brothers (it’s Silver and Alfred, by the way). Even though I really don’t know anything about JGL’s new wife, I can say that she’s a major catch, because think of the things she can do with those fingers dangling out of her crotch.
Yesterday, People EXCLUSIVO-LEY confirmed that JGL married his girlfriend Tasha McCauley at their home on December 20th. That’s pretty much all they know. JGL has said before that his girlfriend isn’t a Hollywood type and doesn’t want to be in that scene. Tasha McCauley is the founder and CEO of Fellow Robots, a robotics company that is based at NASA Research Park in the Silicon Valley.
I was going to call JGL the young George Clooney since he married a non-celebrity who is smart in the brain, but I can’t call him that. Because I don’t ever remember seeing video of JGL and Tasha fame whoring it up for the paps they called while waving from a boat before their publicity event of a wedding.
Pic: Pacific Coast News
What is going on? Couples we thought would last until the end of time and beyond are breaking up. In the morgue somewhere is a pound of dead flesh and its death tag reads: “Name of Deceased: The Meaning of Everlasting Love.” First Giada and her husband split up and now Jeremy Renner and his wife of 3 seconds. What solid couple is going to break up next? Kim and Kanye?!
Jeremy Renner is Crisco’ing up his face and putting razors in his hair, because he might have to get into a legal tussle with the mother of his 1-year-old daughter Ava Berlin and his wife of 10 months. TMZ says that Jeremy’s wedded piece, model/actress type Sonni Pacheco, filed divorce papers in L.A. earlier this month and blamed “irreconcilable differences” as the reason why their marriage is dead, cremated and lying in a wooden box. Jeremy should’ve asked his homegirl Tom Cruise for advice on how to quickly and quietly end a marriage before any messiness leaks out, because Sonni is coming hard.
Sonni signed a prenup before she and Jeremy got secret married earlier this year, but she thinks their prenup should be put in the shredder. Sonni says the prenup is based on “fraud.” (How very Squinty Zellweger of her.) In the divorce papers, Sonni states that she wants spousal support, physical custody of their daughter and she wants a Range Rover and wants Jeremy to pay for her moving expenses and rent on her new place. She also wants her passport, social security card and birth certificate back. She claims that Jeremy “stole” them and hasn’t given them back.
Fraud and passport-stealing? Their divorce drama sounds more riveting and dramatic than the last Mission Impossible movie.
Jeremy’s rep had nothing to say about this.
TMZ says that Sonni doesn’t specify what she means by “fraud.” I think I know what she’s doing. By throwing in the dramatic word “FRAUD,” Sonni could be playing the unsuspecting beard role, and claiming “fraud” is her way of conjuring up those gay rumors again. Or Jeremy Renner really is Grumpy Cat in a human suit and he didn’t tell Sonni that before they got married.
After all the threats, hacks and messiness, The Interview was released onto the Internet and on 331 screens last week. The hackers threatened to unleash violence on the theaters showing it and so far it looks like the only weapon of destruction that caused people pain was the movie itself. No, I can’t say that since I haven’t seen that shit. I was going to watch it over the weekend, but then I discovered that I only had 4 weed buds left and I need at least 8 to get through a Seth Rogen movie. Nothing is more painful and scary than running out of the good shit halfway through a movie starring James Franco and Seth Rogen. I told one of my friends that and she slapped me back with, “Oh, so a person who makes dick and fart jokes all day is suddenly above a movie with nothing but dick and fart jokes in it?” Don’t you hate it when people tell you the truth?
NBC News says that Sony claims The Interview was bought or rented more than 2 million times during the Christmas weekend. It’s now the most successful straight-to-VOD release of all-time and forever. It made another $3 million in theaters. The Wrap thinks this might be a game changer and lead to other studios releasing new movies on VOD at the same time they release it in theaters. But then again, it might not. The Interview cost $44 million to make so Sony might not get their money back.
If anything good comes out of this Interview disaster, I hope it will be more new movies coming out on VOD. The world would be a better place if you could watch new movies from your couch, far away from screaming children, people getting up to piss every 5 minutes, hos browsing Tinder and oldies screaming, “WHAT DID HE SAY, ETHEL?!”
Since we’re on the subject of movie grosses, here’s how the weekend’s box office looked:
1. The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies - $40.4 million
2. Unbroken – $33.3 million
3. Into the Woods – $32.6 million
4. Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb - $21.6 million
5. Annie – $17.3 million
6. The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1 - $10.4 million
7. The Gambler – $8.4 million
8. The Imitation Game - $7.9 million
9. Exodus: Gods and Kings - $6.3 million
10. Wild – $5.15 million
Deadline says that Unbroken did really well with “faith-based crowds” in middle America. “Faith-based middle Americans” is one way of saying “Brangeloonies who dragged their entire family to see their God’s new movie.”