HuffPo says that after the night covers Rome and most of the Catholic priests head down to the disco under the Vatican to snort blessed coke off of a go-go boy’s soft dick, Pope Francis put on “ole’ regular priest” drag and sneaks out to help the homeless. Note to Justin Bieber and all the other celebrity fuck-ups, you need to get with Pope Francis’ PR team, because those bitches are good.
Archbishop Konrad Krajewski (aka the Almoner of His Holiness) recently told reporters that Pope Francis always wants to go with him when he goes out into the city at night to hang with homeless people. Archbishop Konrad let out a subtle smile when reporters asked him if Pope Francis has ever gone out with him. A source tells HuffPo that Pope Francis does go out at night to mingle with the homeless:
“Swiss guards confirmed that the pope has ventured out at night, dressed as a regular priest, to meet with homeless men and women.”
Pope Eggs Benedict just clutched his gold Lacroix crucifix and screamed out, “Heiligen Gott,” (Google Translate tells me that’s German for “¡Santo Dios!“), because the thought of him taking off his precious red leather Prada knock-off loafers to do himself up as a normal priest is making him want to fall back into the arms of his lead supervisor (aka Jesus) and weep at the thought of that dreadfulness.
So Pope Francis has tweeted against consumerism, doesn’t have any household staff, he supposedly said that do-gooder atheists go to heaven, he wrote that the church is “obsessed” with gay marriage and abortion, he used to be a club bouncer and now we learn that he de-Popes his look to eat bread with the homeless without creating a scene. What is going on here?! Pope Fran Fran better stop being so cool before the
fangirls fanabuelitas turn on him. They’re all asking themselves, “Harpo, who dis Pope?”
In an essay in New York Magazine, Joe Jonas spills about his life as a Disney child whore and admits to turning in his V-card when he was 20 and toking on the good shit with Miley Cyrus and Demi Lovato. For years, Mickey Mouse raised his pimp hand at Joe Jonas and wouldn’t let that child grow a beard (too easy) or let Nick Jonas do kissing scenes on their Disney show, so now he’s really trying to shed whatever’s left of his wholesome ho image. That hard pimp Mickey Mouse is not going to be happy about this and I’m sure he’s going to call his former ho up and say, “You better learn to sell pussy in Iceland because if I ever see you again I’m going to cut your fuckin’ throat!”
Joe says that when Vanessa Hudgens’ naked pictures leaked in 2007, the Disney execs told him and his brothers that they were happy they never fucked up. Joe, Nick and Kevin were always afraid of screwing up. The purity ring he started wearing when he was 10 didn’t help shit. Joe says that he and his brothers put on the rings when they joined some Jesus freak program called True Love Waits, where you promise to wait to get married before fucking. Because of the rings and Disney, they couldn’t really sing about anything that had to do with sex shit. Joe took off his purity ring a few years ago (and I’m sure he turned it into an anus ring).
“We decided to take the rings off a few years ago. I lost my virginity when I was 20. I did other stuff before then, but I was sexually active at 20. I’m glad I waited for the right person, because you look back and you go, ‘That girl was batshit crazy. I’m glad I didn’t go there.’
has had contracts with has dated Demi Lovato, Ashley Greene, Camilla Belle and Taylor Swift. It’s not hard to guess which one is the “batshit crazy” one in that group. (SPOILER ALERT: It’s Taylor. It’s Taylor.)
Joe also claims that the first time his lips touched the good shit, he was 17:
“The first time I smoked weed was with Demi and Miley. I must have been 17 or 18. They kept saying, ‘Try it! Try it!’ so I gave it a shot, and it was all right. I don’t even smoke weed that often anymore. I was caught drinking when I was 16 or 17, and I thought the world was going to collapse. But I was in another country, and it was legal there. My 21st birthday, I fell down a flight of stairs. I was unconscious that time, and my whole team was scared to death that somebody was going to get a picture. Now I appreciate wine or a vodka-soda at the end of the day every once in a while.”
So Joe Jonas lost his virginity at the age of 20, smoked weed with Miley when he was 17 and he drinks wine every now and again. THAT’S IT?! That’s the scandal? I guess the part where he said that his girlfriend injects heroin into his eyeball after pegging with him a Mickey Mouse dildo got cut from the final draft.
And back to that “Disney made me shave my beard” thing. I worked at Disneyland for about two seconds and I had to keep my face clean shaven and got in trouble if I didn’t have a smile on my face. So I sort of know how Joe feels, but the difference is that he got paid millions of dollars and I got minimum wage. So boo hoo on you, bitch!
Here’s Joe looking like a clearance bin Freddie Mercury impersonator while leaving a restaurant in West Hollywood with his piece Blanda Eggandsausagesorwhatever.
Seen above in a picture from the future taken at Justin Bieber’s Scientology baptism ceremony (I won’t tell you if you’re right or wrong if you ask me if that’s the jizz of Xenu covering them), Will Smith and the Biebs are apparently mentor and mentoree and every week they shoot the shit (shit being the key word) about life before Will asks him if he has any naked pictures of Usher (for mentor purposes only).
In a way too long damage control piece for The Hollywood Reporter, Justin’s manager Scooter Braun (yes, that is the name of a grown adult man and not Nickelodeon cartoon character) says that Marky Mark, Eminem, Oprah, fellow douche Adam Levine and Tom Hanks have all offered to counsel the douche rash on humanity, but Will Smith’s the one who gets his ear every single week. The Hollywood Reporter just had to add a little note saying that the Biebs and Will never talk about the words of L. Ron Hubbard. Uh huh, and John Travolta isn’t getting the thetans on his b-hole popped by a male massage therapist as I type this.
But the most present mentor is Will Smith. Braun tells of a particularly tough time for Bieber around the time he returned from his world tour in May that prompted the movie star to drive to Bieber’s house and pull him out of bed for a three-hour talk. Bieber’s reaction, according to Braun: “He said, ‘Man, that makes me feel so loved. I woke up, and there’s Will Smith, one of, if not the, biggest movie stars on the planet. He took time out of his day for me.’ ”
Now, Bieber and Smith have a weekly call to go over any potential issues, emotional or otherwise. (Scientology has never been discussed.) At the same time, Braun adds of Smith, “He’s telling me: ‘Justin’s got to go through it. You can’t stop him from going through it. That’s youth in itself. He’s a young man who’s growing up, and that’s what makes him interesting and relatable. Otherwise, he’d be some kind of weird robot.”
I was starting to think that Will Smith recruiting Joffrey Bieber into Scientology isn’t that bad of an idea, but then I realized that would be the worst idea. Those crazy bitches at Scientology believe that when it comes to toddlers, you should just let them do whatever they want, when they want it and how they want it. That’s some anti-abuelita shit right there. Justin Bieber becoming a Scientologist would be a disaster. They’d let him really go crazy. That would be like dropping Rob Ford and Brooke Mueller into a fully loaded crack house together. That would be like giving Suri Cruise a black AMEX and sending her into a Barney’s alone. Civilization would burn to the ground, so it’s best if the Biebs stays away from Xenu.
And here’s proof that Will Smith is a shit mentor. The Biebs had this to say to THR about his “haters.”
“I don’t give a fuck. Not ‘I don’t give a fuck’ to just be reckless and do whatever, but ‘I don’t give a fuck what they say.’ … I know who I am and what I’m doing in my life and what I’ve accomplished and continue to accomplish as a performer, as a writer, as an artist, as a person, as a human being. I’m happy with the man I’m becoming.”
That first part reads like the official Scientology parenting motto. And the second part should’ve been auto-corrected to “douche delusions of grandeur” when I copy and pasted it from The Hollywood Reporter. Some wonderful mentoring by Will Smith!
And here’s Will’s son Jaden Smith looking like a young Whoopi Goldberg while on a date with KylieKendallWhatever Jenner.
In “Why isn’t CNN, The BBC, Al Jazeera and public access covering this?” news, The Hollywood Reporter says that Goopy Paltrow is going to have to find another way to avoid waiting in the school pick-up line with a bunch of ordinary, new money peasants in E-classes. Goopy was not born with an antique Henry V-era solid gold spoon in her mouth (silver spoons are for rich common trash like Ricky Schroder) just so she can stare at the back of some pleb’s basic car. But she might have to get used to it, because her kids’ school has declared the pick-up line as a NO VESPA zone. SHOTS FIRED!
A couple of months ago, bitch almost turned Apple into applesauce when she shifted her Vespa into the cunt gear and cut off a school bus after picking her kid up.
In a shocking turn of events, the driver wasn’t fired and the bus wasn’t destroyed for daring to get in front of the almighty GOOP! Instead, the school is punishing her. The school didn’t fully call out Goopy when they announced the ban. They only said they were banning Vespas due to “safety concerns.” Goopy’s spokeswhore denies it.
How dare that school punish Goopy like this. A bunch of commoners punishing Goopy. Ridiculous! If this was medieval England, all those basic school officials would be dragged out into the middle of town square and punished by being forced to read one of her shitty cookbooks line by line. They should give Goopy her own gold-paved entrance for being charitable enough to allow her children to grace the bland American walls of that school with their noble British presence. But you know, I bet Apple loves the Vespa ban, because now her mom will have to wait in line and won’t be able to just zip in front of everyone to get her. This gives Apple time to jump into the backseat of a car waiting in line and scream, “PLEASE, take me to the nearest McDonald’s! I’ll pay you…but I only have Euros.”
And if you’re a rich whore who doesn’t know what the phrase “insufficient funds” means and are looking for ways to waste your money on stupid overpriced shit this holiday season, the Annual GOOP Gift Guide is out!
(Pic via Bauer Griffin)
While Prince George laid around his palace in his sharp-as-fuck christening gown (Note: When life gives you a stunning and luxurious christening gown like that, you never take it off until your growing limbs bust the seams), his mom and dad waved, smiled, waved, smiled, waved, smiled and waved some more at their day job in London this morning. Duchess Kate and Prince William took a bus ride with servicemen and women for London Poppy Day, which is the day that all Brits celebrate Poppy Pomfrey. No, London Poppy Day is a day when volunteers at tube and railway stations try to raise £1 million in one day for Poppy Appeal, a charity that helps military families. And just because I want to type the word “poppy” one more time: POPPY.
Hair dye and brown hair mascara sales dropped to record lows today when everybody saw Duchess Kate’s grey roots on her 1975 Kate Jackson hair. The top of Duchess Kate’s head was almost as shiny as the top of Prince William’s bald globe. The Daily Mail raised a magnifying glass from their Detective La Toya starter kit and got to the bottom of this! They brought up these highly important points:
Grey hair not directly associated with pregnancy
Many women find hair feels and looks thinner after having a baby
Some mothers avoid dyeing hair while pregnant or breastfeeding
Or maybe she’s just had grey hair for a while and we’ve never seen it because she’s always got a hat that looks like a stuffed pancake on her head. But really, I’m sure that’s not grey hair. Since Duchess Kate is a royal now, liquid diamonds flow through her insides and sometimes they overflow and seep out of her skull. Whatever the case may be, silver Sharpies and Wite-Out are already sold out, because EVERYONE wants silvery grey roots now. Silvery grey roots are so now.
Here’s more of Duchess Kate and Prince William riding the bus today. I also threw in some pictures of my favorite Poppy Chulo honoring fallen soldiers at the Field of Remembrance in London today:
And Here’s A Video Of Justin Bieber Sleeping After Spending The Night With A Girl In Brazil (UPDATE)
So much for that “confiscating cell phone” rule. Here’s a video that showed up on YouTube of the permanent itch on humanity’s ball sack Justin Bieber dreaming of bottomless janitor buckets while a Brazilian girl, who may or may not be one of the hookers he picked up from that whorehouse, films him on her cell phone. The cackles did not stop coming out of my mouth when the camera whipped around and she blew a kiss at him. The Biebs thinks he’s fully grown now, but he’s not since he obviously doesn’t know about one of the most important grown up rules in life: “Kick your trick out right after the fuck times is over and give them a moist towelette to wipe their fuck parts with as they walk out the door.”
I was beginning to think that she was just the au pair and after Justin woke up from a night terror, she patted his wittle head until he we went mimi’s again. But then I saw this tweet that’s supposedly from the girl who filmed a sleeping Biebs.
— gaby del campo (@gabydelcampo) November 7, 2013
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I was wondering why she looked so satisfied. It obviously wasn’t from the dick. It was because she got paid. And now she better go down to the clínica gratuita (that’s “free clinic” in Google Portuguese), because she’s probably got a serous case of Bieber Fever (which is way worse than Chlamydia).
UPDATE: The Daily Mail says that the girl’s name is Tati Neves and she’s not a pussy peddler. The source claims that Tati was one of 10 girls that Justin brought back to his villa in Rio to party with. The Biebs fell asleep and Tati filmed him. And some have pointed out that she doesn’t have a wrist tattoo like the ho in that tweet does. I slowed down the video and looked for a tattoo on that girl’s wrist. I didn’t see one. So the chick in the video and the ho flashing that money she claims she got from the Biebs are two different people. And yes, this is my life.
via Reddit (Thanks to everyone who sent this)
It’s not Charlie Sheen, because his house is already a brothel and he doesn’t need to fly all the way to Brazil to buy some coochie. It’s not John Travolta, because it’s a brothel full of pussy peddlers and not dude massage therapists with strong stomachs. It’s the hooker-loving Biebs!
The Brazilian site EGO and Page Six both have pictures of Usher’s godchild covered in a blanket and trying to stealthily sneak out of a brothel in Rio de Janeiro with help from his two buff bodyguards. That picture. It looks like a still from a gay ghost porn. That Bieber ghost is getting the boos fucked out of his butt while he gets ready to toss that other dude’s salad. That lady in the glasses is wondering why in the hell she’s in the middle of this mess.
Page Six says that paps in Brazilian received a tip that Justin Bieber, his friend and his bodyguards visited a popular coochie palace. The Biebs was inside for three hours before he left in a genius disguise. The paps ID’d the bodyguards as members of the Biebs’ security team and Page Six says that it’s obviously him since his ugly wrist tattoo was visible in a few of the pictures. The Biebs’ mom also confirmed (no, she didn’t) that that’s the blanky he cuddles with every night.
As the Biebs tried to sneak out, one of his bodyguards pulled some golden showers shit by throwing water at the paps. The Biebs left with two girls from the brothel and went back to his hotel, but his hotel later kicked him out (probably because he brought hookers back to his room). Page Six points out that prostitution is legal in Brazil, but brothels are not.
Yeah, I know Justin Bieber could easily get himself a truck full of girls to do every single night for free, but maybe he’s into some seriously kinky, dirty, filthy, dark-sided, rosary-clutching shit that no girl would do for free. And by “kinky” shit I mean watching his movie and holding him while telling him that he’s the strongest, baddest, hardest, little pop star in the world. Even the most crazed Belieber won’t do disgusting shit like that for free.
(Pic via EGO) (Thanks Lígia!)
In a story that reads like fanfiction written by the lead member of the McGosling4Ever shippers, UsWeekly says that Ryan Gosling’s on-and-off relationship with Eva Mendes is about to slide permanently into the off position, because he’s moodier than a grown man who can’t beat level 65 on Candy Crush (I’m typing from experience) and she’s a jealous trick who thinks that any girl who texts him wants to suck his dick until his sperm count temporarily drops to zero (SPOILER ALERT: they do).
A source tells UsWeekly that Eva and Ryan broke up for a quick minute six months ago and ever since they got back together, their relationship has been a mess. Eva’s “friends” say that in the past, she used to turn into a human rainbow of pure joy every time someone brought Ryan’s name up, but now when somebody brings him up, she pretty much slaps his name out of their mouth. The source said:
“He can be moody, and she’s insecure. She sees a text from a mystery number and assumes he’s talking to other girls. She shuts down anyone who brings up Ryan. It’s clear something is wrong. I wouldn’t be surprised if they split for good soon.”
It’s clear something is wrong? Huh? Whenever one of my boyfriend’s got a text, a call or an email from a trick whose name I didn’t recognize, I’d reenact the Rage of Bernadine scene from Waiting to Exhale by cutting up all his shit and taking a flame thrower to his car. Then I’d burn down the cell tower near his house so he wouldn’t get reception anymore. Isn’t that a normal and reasonable response to your piece getting a text from a stranger bitch?
Ryan and Eva (Side note: What is their couple name? MenSling? RyEva? I like RyEva, because it sounds like a cocktail made with rye and Summer’s Eve) have been together on-and-off for two years. The honeymoon is over and now he’s bitchy and she’s a jealous wreck. That doesn’t mean that something is clearly wrong. It means that something is clearly NORMAL. Aren’t all relationships like that? (asked the scarred mess who only knows dysfunction).
Taking a tip from Lindsay Lohan’s “How To Stay Out of Jail When ‘I’m A Motherfucking Celebrity’ Might Not Work” handbook, Chris Brown hopped on the Damage Control Express and headed straight for rehab just two days after he was arrested in DC for straight-up fisting a dude in the face. Even though the judge reduced Chris Brown’s felony charge to a misdemeanor, he could get thrown in a cell for violating probation. So he took his ass to jail. Some source (aka a low-level member of Team Breezy) told E! yesterday that The Difficult Brown’s got issues with weed and alcohol. Uh huh. Chris’ meth-scratched face (copyright: Erin from Rock of Love, fuck I miss Rock of Love) tells me that he’s putting something stronger than weed in his favorite smoking pipe. Chris’ lawyer shat out this statement to E!:
“Chris Brown has elected to enter a rehab facility. His goal is to gain focus and insight into his past and recent behavior, enabling him to continue the pursuit of his life and his career from a healthier vantage point.”
TMZ says that The Difficult Brown’s lawyer dropped him off at a rehab facility in Malibu (aka a luxury spa that sometimes plays re-runs of Intervention in the screening room) and he’s there to deal with his anger management issues. A source said (a source did not say this) that he’s officially seeking treatment for being a flaming pile of rotten dicks in a bag made of burnt ballsack skin.
Because of the timing, it’s kind of obvious that The Difficult Brown is trying to look good for the judge and after few days of spa treatments and facials, his punchin’ fist will be back out on the stroll. If Mom Breezy and his lawyer really want to rebuke the asshole from him, they should drop him off at somebody’s abuelita’s house. I have always said that an abuelita should open an anger management center, because sometimes the silent and subtle fury of an old lady with a ring on every finger will set a bitch right.
Somewhere between an on-again-off-again relationship with Anjelica Houston and boning actress Veronica Cartwright, biographer Mark Eliot says Jack Nicholson found time to get his fuck on with Meryl Streep while filming the 1987 film “Ironweed“, even though the two allegedly didn’t like each other and vowed never to work together again after filming “Heartburn” in 1985. In a description filled with glorious visual imagery, the author says, “Often during shooting, his Winnebago seemed to be balanced on four overworked Slinkys.” The Daily Mail has more quotations from Eliot’s book, including ““whatever is going on inside that Winnebago it’s starting to get out of hand, to the point where it’s embarrassing a lot of people on the set”. Eliot’s book also chronicles Jack’s heavy drug use where he dropped acid while writing “The Trip“, used cocaine, smoked pot and experimented with LSD. It also talks about his struggles with his weight (apparently eating scores of pussy is fattening- who knew??) and finding out that the woman he thought was his older sister was actually his mother.
We already knew Jack’s sexcapades are the stuff of legends. He’s been linked to everyone from Candice Bergen to Janice Dickinson (before she started morphing into Steven Tyler) to Michelle Phillips to Lara Flynn Boyle’s old face. Meryl has been married to her husband, Don Gummer ,for 35 years and was two kids deep into her eventual four when Jack allegedly threw his Slinky down her staircase in the Winnebego. You know you’re hot shit when you don’t even have to shell out for a nice place to show a lady a good time. You can just hop into your trailer and drive that thing like you’re Lone Starr and Barf piloting the Eagle 5.
Maybe Jack and Meryl hated each other so much, their only option was to bump fuck parts. Maybe Jack was to Meryl what Isabella Rossellini was to Ross Gellar. I kind of want to throw a little shade her way, but it’s Jack Nicholson and everybody should be able to use their hall pass on him for a free fuck if the rumors about him are true, just triple bag it and use Clorox anywhere spray as lube. I can’t really blame Meryl for climbing Jack like a tree, especially not in a Winnebago. Hell, I lost it to a guy at skeevy ass place that rented rooms with hot tubs by the hour and it was so quick, the Slinkies were nowhere near overworked. I’m pretty sure there was a good 52 minutes of awkward soaking in that herpes and jizz-laced Jacuzzi water. Meryl at least got it regularly and well enough to make the film crew blush.