After everyone saw that video from 2014 of Solange going all Basement Baby Ali (“float like a moth ball, sting like a bee“) on Jay-Z in an elevator after the Met Gala, you’d think that people would make sure to be polite to her and keep their shady side-eyes to themselves. But apparently, one brave soul was rude to Solange at the Met Gala on Monday night. Instead of checking them with her flying fists, Solange checked the bitch with a blind item on Twitter. She tweeted a shout out to a member of the You So Artsy Club who was about as annoying as a hungry mouse nibbling at your toes when you’re trying to sleep on an egg crate in the basement.
Shout out to when you think you all "artsy and shit" , but your just rude and annoying lol
— solange knowles (@solangeknowles) May 3, 2016
The first response under Solange’s tweet is this:
— ⚪️ Beige Bitch ⚪️ (@alialmoore) May 3, 2016
Yeah, Taylor Swift probably rules the craft table in her playroom and nobody can make a pasta shell jewelry box like her, but does she consider herself “arty“? Yeah, she probably does. I don’t think it’s her, though. My first guesses were Kanye West or Lady Gaga. But you know, maybe there will be a major M. Night Shyamalan-approved PLOT TWIST in this riveting saga. Maybe Solange got really drunk at the Met Gala and when she went into the bathroom, she noticed a shifty trick in a try-hard outfit throwing her rude looks. And well, it turns out that shifty trick in a try-hard outfit throwing her rude looks was her own reflection in the mirror! When Solange finds out the truth, her reflection is totally going to get it.
When we last wrote about the disastrous custody fight over 15-year-old Rocco Ritchie between Madonna and Guy Ritchie, Rocco had stopped fighting with his mom for a second to reunite with her at her house in London. Well, it looks like things between them are still okay.
Madge and Guy’s next court room battle royale isn’t until June, but a judge told both of those messes to try and work out their custody issues privately. Maybe they proved that miracles do exist and they were able to stop being wrecks, because Rocco has been spending a lot of time with Madge. People says that Madge has been staying in London, where Rocco is temporarily living with his dad, ever since her Rebel Heart tour ended. I guess Rocco also got over being mad that his mom keeps putting pictures of him on her Instagram, because over the weekend she posted this new picture of them together. Madge posted it with the caption:
We need what, exactly? More booze? Because if you replaced Rocco with a long-haired black chihuahua rolling his eyes, I’d be Madge on a Friday night after drowning all of my sorrows in Hawaiian Punch, vodka and the good shit. Madge is giving me “Siamese Cat wax figurine right after chasing two Ambiens with a glass of red wine” and Rocco is giving me “first toke of the night.” That makes sense, because many people have to be drunk to hang out with a hormonal teenager (“Tell me about it.” – my mom during my teen years) and many people probably also have to be stoned to hang out with Madge.
Variety reported yesterday that Will Ferrell was going to produce and star in Reagan, which has been described as a “dementia comedy” about the 1980s president’s second term. The synopsis for it goes like this: At the beginning of President Raegan’s second term when he “falls into dementia,” an intern is told that they have to convince Reagan that he’s actually an actor playing the president in a movie. That premise went over as well as explosive diarrhea at a butt sex orgy. It went over as well as that joke.
Since we’re on the subject of crazed mega fans with insanity running through their veins, here’s pictures from over the weekend of coochie seizure-inducer Charlie Hunnam in NYC with his jewelry designer girlfriend of a few years Morgana McNelis. Or as some of his crazed mega fans call her (probably), Tramp Slut Thotty Whore McHussyFace.
Last month, Lainey Gossip posted about a weird video message that Charlie Hunnam made for the batshit fans who were throwing hate balls at his girlfriend. Originally, Charlie gave a “leave my girlfriend aloooone” note to Tina, a woman who runs one of his fan sites. Tina posted the note and many of his fans didn’t believe it came from him. When they called Tina a liar, Charlie made a video message where he said that the note was real and he wants all of his Hunnamaniacs to stop messing with Tina and his girlfriend. It was something to file in a folder labeled “Being Famous Is Weird.”
Well, Morgana must think that the streets are safe again, because she came out in NYC over the weekend. That lady behind Morgana is me, because she’s obviously saying to her friend, “I can’t believe you’re taking pictures of stupid buildings when you should be taking pictures of dat ass right there.” But honestly, I’m disappointed in that Morgana chick. Because what’s the point of hitting the pap stroll with Charlie Hunnam if you’re not going to wear a third trimester baby pillow with a maternity t-shirt that reads, “Your Fake Boyfriend Busted A Raw Nut Up Into This. Seethe, Hos, Seethe!” Really, there’s no point at all!
Not since the dramatic ousting of Ann Curry has there been an all-caps, bold-faced ESCANDALO that is rocking the boring morning show world. It’s times like these when I wish that I was a stay-at-home daddy. Because if I was, I’d be passing around a sippy cup full of a screwdriver with the other stay-at-homers at the playground as we kiki about this mess and I scream, “Walk it off, shit, I’m busy,” at my kid as they complain about breaking a leg from falling off of the jungle gym.
Last December, the NYDN started the rumor that Norman Reedus and Diane Kruger were dry humping each other at a bar in NYC while her man of 9 years Joshua Jackson was on vacation in the Philippines. Reps spits out the usual denials, Joshua’s dad laughed about it to Radar and Pacey and Diane proved that their love was alive by posing at some event together two months later. Well, Norman’s hipster Lenny from Laverne & Shirley-looking ass and Diane Kruger were together again at a screening for their movie Sky in NYC last night. Joshua Jackson is also in the movie, but he wasn’t there last night.
WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!!!
If I don’t look at these pictures through a scandal filter, I see two greasy messes awkwardly posing next to each other because they’re well aware of those rumors and don’t want anyone to think that they’re really doing ass-to-ass with a cucumber. If I do look at these pictures through a scandal filter, I see two greasy messes awkwardly posing next to each other because they have done it but don’t want to look like they’ve done it. Norman and Diane also look like irresponsible chaperones at a Florida high school prom who just got caught getting into some sweaty, meth-fueled fuck times on the floor of the gym bathroom. But then again, they always kind of look like that.
Here’s more pictures of Norman and Diane last night as well as pictures of them at TIFF last September. In the pictures from last night, Diane is wearing an outfit that looks a lot like the outfit my best friend at the time wore to our 8th grade spring dance in the 90s. The teachers said that the top part was too risqué so they made her wear a t-shirt over it. Basically, she looked a billion times more glamorous than Diane.
Pics: AP, Splash
A group of Roman Catholic nuns in Los Angeles are currently throwing holy water at Lady Justice and condemning a certain judge’s soul to the depths of hell, because they lost hard in their battle to keep their precious convent out of the clutches of Katy Perry’s unholy chichis!
Yesterday, Lindsay Lohan got everyone talking about Lindsay Lohan in the year 2016 by probably leaking the news that she got engaged before getting her spokeswhore to deny it because she wanted to create a mysterious story arc for the tabloids. I see that LiLo took a course in whoring from Pimp Mama Kris on that MasterClass site, whose ads are always dirtying up my Facebook feed.
TMZ was the first to fart up the news that LiLo’s 22-year-old Russian piece of around 5 months, Egor Tarabasov, proposed to her over the weekend, and she said yes. But a quick second later, LiLo’s rep crop dusted the Internet by farting up the same denial statement to everyone. Her rep said that the rumors were not true. But the fame whore plot thins! While sandwiched between two tanning booth-roasted pieces of hot trash at the Duran Duran show in NYC last night, LiLo made sure that the photographers got a shot her wearing a ring on her weddin’ finger. Since you most likely don’t notice the ring in that picture, because you’re too busy making a, “Chichis so saggy that in a few years they’ll probably line up with those nipple tassels,” joke in your head, here’s a close-up of it:
The only real rings I own are of the cock variety, so I’m no expert, but to me, that looks like a green apple Jolly Rancher framed by a bunch of aluminum foil balls. In other words, it’s the most perfect and opulent engagement ring I’ve ever seen. Egor was also at the Duran Duran show last night, so either they’re really engaged, or he’s a shameless stunt puller like her, or she also took a hypnotism class on that MasterClass site and hypnotized him into proposing to her. I’m tempted to go with the latter, because I bet LiLo also used her hypnotism skills to hypnotize Duran Duran into letting her perform with them AGAIN.
On another sort-of different note, LiLo’s look last night was very “rode hard middle-aged divorced trophy wife who is trolling for her next husband at a Casino in Reno, NV” and that IS the look.
Back in early February, an enemy of the Pussy Posse (I refuse to call them The Wolf Pack) tried to sabotage its leader’s Oscar campaign by scooting out damaging lies about him. They claimed that 41-year-old Leonardo DiCatchAHo was getting with a woman who’s 30 years old! It’s a miracle that he won that Oscar, because I didn’t think that the old, rich coots of the Academy would vote for Leo after finding out that he’s doing a woman who’s older than their fourth wife. It seems like that enemy of the Pussy Posse is at it again.
Page Six says that Oscar winner Leonardo DiCaprio (like Anne, I am legally obligated to address him as that) may be humping on a 19-or-20-year-old (okay…) model (duh…) with (warning: stick a suction cup butt plug up your asshole or you may prolapse out of shock) BROWN HAIR! Some evil trash of a source says that DiCatchAHo has been hanging around a Dutch model named Chelsey Weimar. Chelsey models for Victoria’s Secret Pink and was the winner of The Face in Holland.
The source says that DiCatchAHo and Chelsey went to dinner at Nobu in Malibu recently, and she’s posted pictures on Instagram that were supposedly taken in one of his houses. But another source (Hi, Leo’s publicist!) says that DiCatchAHo isn’t regularly putting his lips on the crotch of a maybe-teenage model, because he’s too busy trying to be the enviro-savior this planet really needs.
“It’s not true. He isn’t spending time with anyone. Most of his time lately has been in places like Indonesia, trying to help save the ecosystem.”
If it’s true, at least DiCatchAHo is showing us that his peen is somewhat diverse and will also get on a skinny Victoria’s Secret model who doesn’t grow blond hair. It’s also good news for all of the makers of brown hair dye, because every skinny blond model who has been hoping to catapult her career on DiCatchAHo’s peen is probably rinsing out Feria #40 from her hair right now.
Here’s pictures from The Fashion Spot of DiCatchAHo’s maybe piece.
That dead chunk of rotting meat I call a heart actually beat and felt warmth for a quick second this morning after I found out that Blac Chyna and Rob Kartrashian’s mutual love of making the Botox in his family’s faces boil with rage has led them to getting engaged for attention.
Early this morning, Kylie Jenner’s fake face, lips and ass idol, Blac Chyna, farted up her and Rob’s latest attention whore stunt on Instagram and SnapChat. The silicone-stuffed thorn in the Kartrashians’ bleached and waxed assholes posted a picture on Instagram of her just casually showing off a giant $325,000 7-carat diamond ring that evil garden gnome Ryan Seacrest probably bought for Rob in exchange for the television rights to their wedding and their divorce, which will happen two weeks later. Rob does look happy and that could be because just like his brother-in-law Kanye West, he’s into some fingers-in-the-booty rough play action and seeing Blac Chyna’s talons of elegance has made his b-hole wiggle. Yes, he’ll be shitting out acrylic tips for days, but that’s a small price to pay for a hot prostate poking.
TMZ (of course) has all the riveting details. They say that Rob proposed to Blac Chyna last night, and after she said yes, they celebrated by whoring it up in front of the paps outside Ace of Diamonds strip club.
Most of the members of the Kartrashian koven are on some “mystery” vacation, so I love that Rob probably ruined their time with the news that Blac Chyna may become Blac Khyna Kartrashian. But he didn’t ruin Pimp Mama Kris’ day. He did the opposite. PMK had to excuse herself from her hos and go to a quiet place where she cried Satanic tears of happiness, because the son who brought embarrassment upon her family was finally showing that he’s as much of a petty fame whore as they are! Pimp Mama Kris has never felt so proud!