If you told me two weeks ago that the Jussie Smollett hate crime story would lead to him facing time in the clink, I’d tell you to take off that tinfoil MAGA hat, but that’s exactly what is happening.
As expected, a grand jury in Cook County, Illinois met today and were presented evidence, which detectives think points to Jussie orchestrating the hate crime he claims happened to him late last month. The grand jury also heard from brothers, Ola and Abel Osundairo, who testified that Jussie paid them $3,000 to fake attack him on the streets of Chicago after he came back from Subway. The Chicago Tribune says that the Cook County state’s attorney’s office announced that the grand jury has indicted Jussie with disorderly conduct, which is a felony, for conjuring up a fraudulent police report. Jussie could face three years in prison if he’s convicted. Well, Jussie is probably going to need some money to pay a team of lawyers to defend him, so he should hit up Subway since all of the publicity they’ve gotten for this could be stuffed into ten thousand foot longs.
You might be thinking, “Err, exactly which anti-LGBTQ church are you talking about?” Today, we’re talking about Hillsong, that “alleged” money-making cult ran by the Hobby Lobby Terry Richardson, Pastor Carl Lentz. Justin Bieber was the Jesus of Hillsong before moving on to some other hipster church called The City Church. Hillsong is not a normal church, it’s a cool church, and it may dress itself up like a skinny jeans-wearing liberal hipster who marches in Pride Parades and holds up a Planned Parenthood sign at the Women’s March, but it’s against abortion and doesn’t exactly embrace gays. Chris Pratt is a member of Hillsong, and yesterday, Ellen Page called him out for it.
Chris Pratt (my 11th favorite Chris after Chris Crocker, Chris Farley, Chris Hemsworth, Chris Rock, Chris Evans, Chris Pine, Chris Tucker, Chris Cooper, Chris Isaak, and Chris my former Brooklyn weed man) is currently doing a 21-day fast based on the Bible, and I guess he’s taking that Christian shit all the way and is abiding by this commandment:
Thou shalt not fuck your piece until you’ve married their ass. (Sexodus 69:69)
Because he’s now engaged to his girlfriend of around 7 months Katherine Schwarzenegger. Chris let Tim Tebow know that he’s not the only one who ain’t going to live in sin (and also not the only one who can deliver a truly natural engagement photo).
Jeff And MacKenzie Bezos Didn’t Have A Prenup, And His Wandering Peen May Be The Reason Why They’re Divorcing
Delicately-crafted lion floret Jocelyn Wildenstein currently holds the record for getting the biggest divorce settlement in history with a total of $3.8 billion (although she’s pretty much cash broke now and had to replace her usual kitty litter of crushed diamonds with Tidy Cats). But MacKenzie Bezos, wife of the richest man in the world, is easily going to take down that record, and she’s reportedly got some major ammunition in the form of loads that Jeff Bezos shot up into his side piece.
The direct opposite of shocking is that a 54-year-old billionaire cheated on his wife of 25 years. But what is shocking is that Jeff Bezos has been accused of cheating on 48-year-old MacKenzie with just one side ho (although, I just clicked one-day shipping while ordering a steel umbrella from Amazon, because I’m sure many, many side hos are going to fall from the sky). What also is shocking is that Jeff hasn’t been accused of cheating with a 20-year-old Sports Illustrated model who really gets him. Jeff has been accused of cheating with his wife’s 49-year-old friend Lauren Sanchez, who I haven’t thought about since she hosted the first season of So You Think You Can Dance in 2005.
The main reason for why I’ve never gotten a woman pregnant is a little thing called “being gayer than a strawberry lube-scented fart out of a power bottom flamingo’s ass.” But now I know that the other reason why I’ve never gotten a woman pregnant is because as soon as she said the words, “Will you give up booze and coffee with me?“, I’d Billy Crudup her by leaving her pregnant ass for another trick, the other trick being hot rum coffee, of course. But not Prince Hot Ginge! PHG’s vodka-snorting days are so long gone that he actually broke up with the sweet nectar. And not only that, but he also temporarily ended things with coffee and tea after Duchess Meghan asked him to. Is PHG trying to give his memaw THE QUEEN a heart attack? Because that’s what might happen if he says “no thanks” to an offer of a gin or some tea.
Roasted possum, moonshine burps, and eternal hillbilly love (which strangely enough, also smells like moonshine burps) were in the air in Franklin, Tennessee last night. Because either Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth got married in a casual wedding at home, or they decided to take advantage of the slow ass Christmas “news” week by fucking with us. But all signs point to them getting hitched, and I’m sure many a Cyruses are wondering why a wedding went down when Miley doesn’t look she’s got a stage 4 CASE OF THE BABIES and they didn’t hear the sound of a shotgun.