Buckle up, buckaroo! Caitlyn Jenner can now drive down PCH and let the wind freely blow in her weave while not worrying about going to a men’s prison or any prison. Caitlyn will not face any charges for the crash on PCH that left one woman dead.
Investigators went through all of the evidence, including a video of the accident, and they declared that Caitlyn Jenner wasn’t speeding, but she was driving at an unsafe speed for the road conditions that day. The video shows Caitlyn’s SUV hitting two cars, sending one of the cars into oncoming traffic where it hit a Hummer head-on. Investigators believed that there was enough evidence to charge Caitlyn with vehicular manslaughter. But the Los Angeles County District Attorney’s Office farted on that recommendation. via AP
A prosecutor wrote in a one-page sheet declining to file charges that Jenner was traveling slightly below the posted speed limit and began braking less than two seconds before the crash. To prove misdemeanor vehicular manslaughter, prosecutors would have had to show Jenner was negligent and had violated a basic speed law.
Based on the facts, the office determined they “cannot prove beyond a reasonable doubt that suspect’s conduct was unreasonable.”
Caitlyn Jenner isn’t going to jail for the crash, but she’s still not off the hook. Caitlyn still has to face two lawsuits: one from the family of the woman who died and another from the woman who was driving the other car she hit. Well, the good news for Caitlyn is that if she has to pay up any money in a settlement, I’m sure she’ll make it back when E! pays her to star in another reality show called Racing with Celebrities with Halle Berry, Billy Joel, Lindsay Lohan, Brandy, Rebecca Gayheart and Lane Garrison. Knowing E!, that show is probably in the works for real.
And here’s Caitlyn wearing white after Labor Day outside of a grocery store in Malibu.
The current President of Delusion and future President of the United States, Kanye West, is supposed to perform at a Democratic National Committee fundraiser in San Francisco next month, because I’m guessing he’s going to try to destroy the Democrats from the inside so Ben Carson, the presidential candidate that makes his b-hole tingle, gets the presidency and will make him VP. Or better yet, Secretary of Sweatshirts. But Page Six says that the DNC is ready for Kanye and will tell him to stick to rapping and to keep his opinions about the country to himself.
The sport of centerpiece claiming is serious in my family. At nearly every family wedding, my cousins and aunties claim a centerpiece before they even sit down. You know how on The Real Housewives of Wherever they fight over which room they get in the vacation house? That’s how my cousins and aunties are with centerpieces. As soon as the wedding ceremony finishes, they kicked off their Chinese Laundry heels, slip on their Easy Spirits and sprint to the reception to claim their centerpiece. They grab it and scream, “I’m calling this one! You’re all my witnesses,” or they write their name on a piece of paper and put it under their claimed centerpiece. I’m surprised they don’t mark it with their scent by pissing on it. They spend the entire night watching it and if any trick gets too close to it, they’ll suddenly transform into Dick Butkus in a Petite Liz Claiborne dress and tackle a motherfucker. A family wedding for me is like The Hunger Games, only more brutal and ruthless.
So I laughed when Celebitchy pointed out that millionaire supermodel Gisele Bundchen left the UNEP Champions of the Earth event at Cipriani in NYC with a centerpiece in her hand. I’m sure tickets for that charity event were four thousand million dollars a plate, so Gis pretty much bought that centerpiece. She’s also carrying it like she owns it and like she’s not afraid a little old lady is going to chancleta her in the throat for it. If that was one of my aunties, she wouldn’t be so calm. She’d make her husband and her children guard her as she took her prized possession to the car.
And I don’t see Gisele carrying a plate covered with foil. Poor Tom Brady. I’m sure he’s still grounded from that Super Bowl ring fiasco, so he had to stay at home. When Gisele walked in, his eyes probably lit up and he got all happy thinking that she brought him a piece of cake. But his excited face turned into a sour frown face when he saw her only holding that ugly centerpiece. Sorry, Tom, but rules are rules. No cake during restriction!
36-year-old Morena Baccarin and 37-year-old Benjamin McKenzie (I know, he looks like he barely started growing crotch hairs) are on Gotham together and just yesterday I was reading about how they’re dating. Usually the way it works is that you read about them dating, and then you read in Life & Style about how they were “getting cozy” at Madeo or some shit, and then you read on tooFab about how Morena wore a ring on that finger while shopping at Fred Segal and blah blah blah… Well, these two have hit the FF button, because things have escalated quickly. Morena is knocked up with Ben’s baby and she just filed for full custody of the 22-month-old kid she made with her estranged husband. To quote my mother when I go to dinner with her and don’t order a big cup of booze, “This is an interesting turn of events!”
Morena’s husband, director Austin Check, filed for divorce in early July after three and a half years of marriage. Austin asked for joint custody of their son Julius. But Morena doesn’t want joint physical custody, because she lives in NYC and Austin lives in L.A. TMZ says that Morena filed papers today asking the judge to give her full physical custody. Morena wants Julius to live with her in NYC. Since she’s baking a baby in her body, she’ll eventually have to stop flying and she won’t be able to visit her son in L.A. Morena is at the end of her first trimester.
So, when Morena’s husband filed for divorce, she was already growing Benjamine McKenzie’s baby in her womb. Austin listed “irreconcilable differences” as the reason why he wants a divorce. Austin obviously went with that, because “Ryan Atwood bareback boned a baby into my wife’s body” wasn’t an option. And this maybe-drama makes up for the last season of The O.C.! Who knew that these two could bring the ESCANDALONESS? It’s always the quiet ones….
UPDATE: The judge ruled today that Morena and Austin’s son will mostly live with her in NYC.
Here’s Morena and Ben at the Emmys this past weekend.
Australia has joined Canada, Britain and New Zealand in closing their front doors to Chris Brown and declaring their land a Difficult Brown-free zone. By the way, “the land down under is a difficult brown-free zone” is also another way to tell your piece that you’re not into ass sex.
Chris Brown is supposed to take his tour to Australia and New Zealand in December, but that’s not going to happen if his name ends up on the Banned Bitch list right under Floyd Mayweather’s name. Floyd Mayweather is banned from Australia because he has pleaded guilty to domestic abuse and Chris Brown may be banned for the same reason. Australia has let it be known that they may take a Vegemite-infused shit on Chris Brown’s visa application because he’s a convicted lady beater. By the way, in my mind, if Chris Brown tries to get into Australia, Ja’mie King will be waiting at the front gate like:
According to CNN, Australia’s Minister for Women, Michaelia Cash (that’s my drag name, by the way), said in a press conference that the country’s immigration minister may deny Chris Brown’s visa and if it was solely up to her, she would’ve rejected it already.
“I’m clearly not going to preempt a decision by the minister, however I can assure you what my strong recommendation would be. People need to understand — if you are going to commit domestic violence and then you want to travel around the world, there are going to be countries that say to you, ‘You cannot come in because you are not of the character that we expect in Australia.”
The community advocacy group GetUp! has also started an online petition telling the government to ban Chris Brown. The petition has almost 13,000 signatures so far.
Okay, wait. So if Australia bans Chris Brown and even more countries follow by also banning him, he won’t be allowed to go anywhere else on the planet, which means us Americans will be stuck with him every single day. THE HELL? I mean, Australia may ban the Difficult Brown, but they’re not going to take back Iggy Azalea? The same goes with Canada. They won’t take Chris Brown, but they won’t take Justin Bieber back either! We should take this as a threat. They’re all trying to destroy us the same way Chris Brown is trying to destroy my retinas by wearing those jorts in public.
But I’m sure your eyeballs broke up with your face because of that picture of these two messes wearing I don’t even know what.
The unholy union of Clifford Joseph Harris, Jr. (aka T.I. aka Tip) and Amethyst Amelia Kelly (aka Iggy Azalea) is not broken. T.I. said during a radio interview yesterday morning that he hasn’t spoken to the rejected Muppet in months and is no longer working with her. T.I. didn’t say it straight-up, but it seemed like he checked out of Team Iggy, because he was sick of cleaning up all the diarrhea puddles she spewed on Twitter.
A few hours after T.I.’s interview, TMZ magically threw up a story about how their business break-up was mutual and it happened years ago when Iggy signed to Island Def Jam. Iggy also went on Twitter to say that T.I. shouldn’t air personal stuff on the radio and she figured that he would clarify his words later since the two are still partners. The whole thing was very confusing and many of us freebased Red Bull this morning and duct-taped our eyelids to our foreheads to stay awake, because we were up all night wondering what is going on with these two!
Well, T.I. cleared it all up with a statement to the Associated Press. He and Iggy are not fucking done professionally.
“That’s still my partner. Her life has taken her in a different direction. My life is still as it was before. But Iggy is doing what she feels makes Iggy happy. That’s what she should do. We’re focused on making the next Iggy record and dodge the same adversities we faced last time.”
My guess is that Iggy called T.I. up and let him know that if he dumps her, she’s going to stand outside of his bedroom window every night and brutally torture him by “rapping” into a blow horn. So he gave in. And of course, Iggy has already gloated on Twitter:
Hate to say i told you so… another case of #DigitalDistortion
— IGGY AZALEA (@IGGYAZALEA) September 18, 2015
“Digital distortion” is also a good phrase to describe Iggy’s auto-tuned-to-hell-and-back rapping.
The View is really back! It’s been only six seconds from their season premiere and they’ve already managed to cause a shit load of OUTRAGE and a boycott was called. On the patio of her Florida mansion, Barbara Walters cooed out, “Now that’s the show I created and love,” right before she continued to live that retiree life by doing a Metamucil and vodka shot off of her pool boy’s shaved crotch.
It all started the morning after the Miss America pageant when Michelle Collins brought up the monologue about being a nurse that Miss Colorado gave during the talent show section. They showed a clip of Miss Colorado delivering the monologue while wearing her nurse uniform. Joy watched the clip and piped in with, “Why does she have a doctor’s stethoscope around her neck?” And with that, the #nursesmatter hash tag was born, a thousand hate letters from nurses were launched and people I didn’t even know are nurses dragged The View tricks by the hair on Facebook.
The last time we heard from FoxHol was a few months ago when Jamie Foxx spit out a denial over the rumors that he and Scientology escapee Katie Holmes have been doing each other for two years. According to UsWeekly, Katie and Jamie are still touching fuck parts and they’re still keeping it on the down low. This may be the first time that the name “Jamie Foxx’ and the phrase “down low” have been in the same sentence together and it’s not about him and another dude.
UsWeekly’s “Katie Holmes insider” says that things between them are so serious that she’s told him she “loves” him. Katie is staying 100% true to Jamie and they see each other whenever they can. Their family and friends apparently know that they’re a thing, but they don’t want anybody else to find out. Katie apparently puts on a master disguise of a wig and a hat to meet up with him. The insider also spilled this:
“Katie is so in love. I don’t know if he’s dating other women, but she isn’t dating other men. She is all about Jamie. She said she loved him. She always gushes about how amazing he is and the joy he brings into the world.”
Katie Holmes missed her calling and should quit the acting game (and I’m not just saying that because I cringe every time she and those goddamn braces pop up in Ray Donovan). Katie Holmes should be the head of the CIA, because bitch knows how to evade shit. When she and Suri lived in NYC, she used a secret pathway from her apartment to Whole Foods to avoid the paps and now she’s tricking their asses by wearing masterful disguises when she goes to a hotel to fuck her down low boo. Tom Cruise plays Ethan Hunt in movies, but Katie Holmes is the real Ethan Hunt. It’s not a surprise that she’s a master of disguise, because she probably spent years perfecting her craft by dressing up as a potted plant to sneak out of Tommy’s house. Tommy did always wonder why that potted plant moved by itself. He figured it was just his telekinesis powers at work.
David Muir, the Disney prince who left the Magic Kingdom to run off to NYC to become a TV journalist, took over for Diane Sawyer as the anchor of ABC World News Tonight last year, and apparently, he just looks charming. Page Six says that inside, he’s all villain and is terrorizing the newsroom, because his rival, Lester Holt of NBC, is beating his ass in the ratings. So yeah, that picture of David throwing ten loads of sneaky smugness was taken as he made his way to NBC to give his old friend Lester a peace offering in the form of a Laxative Latte.
Page Six says that David Muir recently had two big interviews, the Pope and Hillary Clinton, and neither did as well as ABC had hoped. David’s interview with Hillary Clinton got beat hard by NBC Nightly News and his 20/20 special with the Pope basically tied with a repeat of Dateline NBC. A source says that when David got back from interviewing the Pope in Rome, he unleashed a douche tornado on his co-workers and now they call him “Anchor Monster.”
“Despite the biggest ‘get’ in the world — the pope — David is still losing to Lester. David feels under pressure and returned to New York from Rome cranky and has been lashing out at the staff. He screams at the crew unless [ABC News President] James Goldston is around. On an open mike he was heard complaining he wanted less of the reporters’ voices and more of his own during the pope town hall. He’s becoming known as ‘Anchor Monster.’”
A rep for ABC News denied this shit.
If there’s an ounce of truth to this, it’s really not nice of Dreamboat David to take it out on the crew. David, who is reportedly a resident of the glass closet, should take out his frustrations by yelling at me. I can take it. But if David’s going to yell at me, he needs to take off his clothes, because I don’t want him to get all overheated, pass out and hit his head on the floor. David may pass out anyway, so after he takes off his clothes, he should lay down on me to be safe. Then he can yell all he wants. Scream at me, take it out on me, Anchor Monster!
According to People, Amal Clooney is currently risking her life in the Maldives where she’s meeting with her client, the country’s former president who’s in prison right now. While Amal was busy doing that, her over-baked trophy husband George Clooney was in NYC doing a much MUCH much more important job. George was Stephen Colbert’s very first guest on The Late Show last night and his only jobs were to talk about himself and christen the guest chair with a fart.
Besides being George Clooney, George Clooney didn’t really have anything to promote, so he showed a fake movie trailer he made in the hallway 10 minutes before coming out and Colbert brought up his current favorite project to talk about: his marriage. After Colbert gave Clooney a belated wedding gift (a Tiffany paperweight with the words “I Don’t Know You” on it), Clooney called himself Amal’s trophy piece and bragged that they proved the hating whores wrong! via People
Colbert prodded the leading man about his marriage to human rights lawyer Amal, with Clooney joking, “They said it wouldn’t last.” Colbert said he had no doubt the newlyweds would go the distance and asked Clooney what it was like to be “the arm candy in the relationship.”
“Because she’s a very serious person. She must say, ‘we’re going to meet some extremely intelligent people tonight,’ ” said Colbert. Clooney said of his new arm candy status: “”Shiny and pretty – that’s mostly what I do now.”
George and Amal will celebrate their 1st anniversary of cheesing it up for the cameras on September 27th, and it feels like it was only five seconds ago when we nearly tore our eye muscles from rolling our eyeballs over those two giving FACE FACE FACE to the paps. My eye muscles haven’t even completely healed yet and they’re already celebrating their 1st wedding anniversary. But really, George doesn’t give us hating whores enough credit. Us hating, bitter whores figure that George’s marriage will last until at least the middle of 2016, because what’s the point of getting married if he’s not going to use his wife for a minimum of 2 award seasons?
And if you didn’t watch Colbert’s first show, this is really the only moment you need to see:
I don’t know what this says about me, but I was secretly hoping that Stephen Colbert’s pants would split and he’d give us a Lenny.
Pics: Splash, CBS