Category: Well Damn

ICYMI: Some Lady Tried To Shoe Hillary Clinton In The Face

April 11, 2014 / Posted by:

I know most of Hillary Clinton’s shoes look like they came from a Naturalizer outlet, but throwing a shoe at her is not the way to tell her to step up her shoe game. Hillary was on stage at some recycling conference at Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas yesterday when a crazy blonde bitch (Does Ann Coulter have an alibi?) got past security and busted out a scene straight out of a Flavor of Love reunion when she tried to hit Hillary in the head with a flying heel. You’d think that Hillary would be used to Bill Clinton’s scorned whores throwing shit at her and she’d catch the shoe and throw it back, but instead she clapped her hands together, said “SANTO DIOS!” on the inside, prayed and scurried away. I had to laugh, because Hillary looked like my abuelita doing the Cha Cha Slide. Now turn it up!

Hillary made a few jokes afterward and sadly one of the jokes wasn’t, “Who throws a shoe, honestly?”

“What was that, a bat? Is that somebody throwing something at me? Is that part of Cirque du Soleil? My goodness, I didn’t know that solid waste management was so controversial. Thank goodness she didn’t play softball like I did.”

The crazy shoe-throwing blonde bitch was taken into custody by secret service. They didn’t give up her name and didn’t say why she did it. Oh well, that’s the last we’ll hear of her, because she’ll probably be skinned alive and her skin will be used to make Hillary a brand new set of scrunchies.

Of course, this is obligatory:

bush-shoe

Dubya does it better, but if I had to pick between him and Hillary for my dodgeball team, I’d go with Hillary, because I can’t say no to a chick in a scrunchie.

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ICYMI: A Construction Worker Gets Rescued From A Burning Houston Apartment Complex

March 26, 2014 / Posted by:

In case you haven’t already squeezed your ass cheeks together while watching this nerve-wracking video of a calm construction worker waiting to be rescued from a fiery inferno of death, here’s the video of a calm construction working waiting on the sixth floor balcony of an unfinished Houston, TX apartment complex while a hellish blaze threatens him with death. This construction worker is a living “Keep Calm And Carry On” poster. If that was me, the flaming wall of death would roll its eyes at me for screaming, chillando-ing and begging someone below to get RuPaul on the phone so he can tell me who the hell wins Drag Race. At the 1:10 mark, calm construction worker proves that he was THAT kid on the playground who didn’t have to put his hands in sand and rub them together to get a good grip on that bar before doing a pull-up. He just did it. Before parts of the building collapsed, the Houston Fire Department got a ladder out to the calm construction worker and saved him. Nobody was injured and it took firefighters 2 hours to take that fire out.

And after watching this gripping, two-and-a-half-minute long video of a brave ass construction worker not freaking and nailing a balcony drop while waiting for firefighters (and JESUS!) to rescue him, my first thought was: “Hmmm, so I guess people do say OH-EM-GEE out loud.

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ICYMI: Dude On Wheel Of Fortune Solves Almost Impossible Puzzle With Just 2 Letters

March 20, 2014 / Posted by:

Looking at that puzzle now, I would’ve guessed “Throw That Boy Pussy.

Everyone (well, not everyone) is giving a standing ovation, clapping and throwing a bouquet of red roses at Wheel of Fortune contestant Emil de Leon from Daly City, CA for solving the final puzzle in just one guess and with the help of only 2 letters. The answer was NEW BABY BUGGY! Who the hell except for high school drama students and mothers from the 50s know that phrase? You can tell that the person in the control room laid back, put up their feet on the table, opened a cold one and said, “This motherfucker ain’t gonna get shit,” because it took a little too long for the answer to light up. Emil told TMZ that it was all just luck and he kind of had babies on the brain since at the time the show was filmed in January he was in the middle of studying pediatrics in nursing school.

Emil is obviously made of magic and is snorting that mystery solving powder that Detective Courtney Love snorts. But really, I’m always surprised when any contestant is able to solve the final puzzle. How can their brain function while being blinded by Vanna White’s beauty, elegance, grace and the sparkles that shoot off of her exquisite Caché gown?

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Gisele Bundchen And Tom Brady Are Selling The Brentwood Mega Mansion That Took 4 Years To Build

March 19, 2014 / Posted by:

When mega rich celebwhores let a magazine like Architectural Digest into their home to photograph it, it usually means that they’re about to sell that bitch, because do they really want to live in a mansion that us trashy, low-rent regulars have seen pictures of while flipping through a magazine in Barnes & Nobles before going to see Frozen or some shit? GROSS! So it didn’t surprise some that Gis Buttchin and her personal Barbie Deluxe Stylin’ Head Tom Brady are selling the Disneyland Paris Resort they call their L.A. home.

Four years ago, Gis and Tom wanted to show the lessers of Brentwood that their checking account has the biggest dick of all so they started building a mega estate that ended up looking like Mimi’s Cafe: The Hotel. The 4-acre ToGis estate is made up of a 14,000 square foot, 5 bedroom, 9 bathroom mansion, a moat, a wood bridge, a pond, a waterfall and an infinity pool. It’s the perfect little house for parents who hate their kids and don’t ever want to see their faces live and in person. (“Will they take a post-dated check for it?” – Kate Gosselin)

TMZ says that Gis and Tom are selling what Candy Spelling would consider a starter home for only $50 million. TMZ’s source says that Gis and Tom are done with L.A. and want to live in Boston permanently. They’re currently building another estate in Brookline, MA.

Gis and Tom are so full of caca. Yes, they’re so rich that they’re caca could be used as currency, but still. They’re not selling that mansion because they’re moving out of L.A. forever. They’re selling it, because Tom Brady won’t stop throwing a hissy fit tantrum over one VERY important detail. There’s no damn water slide on that estate! Building an estate for Tom Brady and not including a water slide is like building an estate for John Travolta and not including a glory hole. Fuck, Gis’ worldwide breastfeeding law. It should be against the law to build a water slide-less estate for Tom Brady. When they were done building that mansion, Tom should’ve screamed at them to tear that ugly shit down when he didn’t see the key to his heart in the backyard. Because the world stops turning when Tom Brady doesn’t go WEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Pics: AD, Redfin

Laura Linney Was Pregnant And Nobody Knew

January 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Well, Laura Linney and her husband obviously knew she was pregnant……unless it was one of those “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” situations and she pissed out the baby in the toilet.

Here’s Laura Linney dressed like a pilgrim schoolgirl back in June and this was one of the last times she was photographed at an event. Laura kept away from events after that because she had a fetus friend growing in her womb. Laura’s rep tells People that she birthed out her first kid on Wednesday. Laura and her husband of 4 years Marc Schauer looked at their newborn son and asked, “What is a name that just screams ‘pretentious rich white boy who wears ascots and wipes his ass with money?‘” Since Scott Disick was already taken they named him Bennett Armistead Schauer.

Laura Linney is 49 years old, so I can already hear the hos calling her a selfish old twat for giving birth to a baby whose high school graduation she’ll attend in a Hoveround. But who cares. She’s Laura Linney! She’s the highly-esteemed thespian who could win an Emmy just for saying her full name in the most pretentious way possible. She can do no wrong!

And I hope that when they pulled her baby out of her body, she held him and said, “I’m Laura Linney.”

Anne Hathaway’s Husband Puts His Mouth On Her Toe After She Almost Drowns To Death

January 9, 2014 / Posted by:

Yes, honey, bow down and kiss those Oscar-winning feet with tongue, bitch...”

While vacationing in Hawaii, Anne Hathaway went for a little swim in the ocean and it was all fun times until she lived through my nightmare. The paps say she got caught in a riptide and while she was trying to keep herself from drowning, she cut her foot on a reef. This is why I can’t with the ocean. My mother’s side of the family would go to the beach in Ensenada, Mexico almost every summer together. The ocean and I go together as well as grammar and I go to together, so of course I almost drowned one year. I got pulled under and the crashing waves wouldn’t let me come up. I thought I was going to drown and become a not-so-satisfying meal for Mexican sharks. But I somehow got out of there, ran up to shore and cried into the lap of my older cousin who was eating a sweet tamale. I cried and told her that the Grim Reaper almost rode by on a jet ski to collect my soul. I poured my scarred emotions and a whole lot of saltwater onto her. She rolled her eyes at me and said, “Stop being so dramatic and don’t even ask for a bite of this tamale.” Vicious sweet tamale-eating bitch! I’ll never forgive her for that. And by “that” I mean refusing to share her sweet tamale with me, not the “rolling her eyes at my near death experience” thing.

Anyway, after Anne screamed for help, a surfer saved her ass and brought her to shore. Anne’s husband, who always gives me “if Ryan Gosling bareback fucked a son into Alice the Goon” vibes, put on his imaginary nurse hat and tended to the cut on her foot. I don’t know if he’s kissing her owie or if he’s pulling some “if Quentin Tarantino was a vampire” shit by sucking the blood out of her toe. They’re both boring, so it’s probably the former.

Pics: FameFlynet

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Jason Momoa And His Ex-Piece Are Real Friendly With Each Other

December 16, 2013 / Posted by:

While hanging outside of a house party in Beverly Hills on Saturday, human mountain of muscles and wolf hair, Jason Momoa, “canoodled” and touched lips with a piece who was not his wife Lisa Bonet. I think this is the best place for me to put the ClairHuxtableSideEyeAndFingerOnChin.GIF.

The NYDN news says that the ginger trick (who sort of gives me shades of Big Brother Rachel) is Jason’s ex-fiancee Simmone MacKinnon. Some source says that this is just a St. Angie and James Haven-style friendly kiss of love and they’re not bumping wet parts. They’re just friends, so Jaleesa doesn’t need to hold Denise’s bag while she whips a whore with her dreads. (Not that Lisa Bonet would give three shits about this.)

You know, those pictures are actually pretty tame and G-rated and not that big of a deal. You can tell that Simmone really does only see his hot ass as a friend. Because every human behavioral scientist will tell you that when greeting Jason Momoa, any peen-loving chick who feels things in her loins would grab her grappling hooks, climb his body, wrap her legs around his neck and say “hello” by kissing him on the mouth with her other lips, and she’d slip him the tongue. So there’s nothing to see here. Moving on!

Pics: Splash

Jean-Claude Van Damme Does The Splits On Two Reversing Volvo Trucks To An Enya Song

November 15, 2013 / Posted by:

I took a beginners yoga class once and the instructor said something like maybe one day we’ll all get so advanced that we can learn the Monkey Pose (aka the splits pose). She was selling me a goal I wasn’t into. Why the hell would I want to learn how to do the splits? If I suddenly grew a second asshole on my taint, then I’d want to learn how to do the splits. But now there’s another reason to learn the splits. If I learned how to do the splits, I could do it on two reversing Vulvo (typo and it stays) trucks while an Enya song plays in the background, which is exactly what Jean-Claude Van Damme is doing in this commercial.

Jean-Claude Van Damme may be a douchebag full of used enema fluid, but I have to give him credit for keeping calm while the future of his nuts lay on two reversing Volvo trucks. The PR whore for Volvo Trucks brand claims that zero CGI was used in the commercial and they shot it in one take. I love it, but I’d love it even more if toward the end of the commercial one of the trucks suddenly swerved to avoid a family of ducks waddling across the road.

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Emma Thompson Forgives Helena Bonham Carter For Being Kenneth Branagh’s Side Piece

November 12, 2013 / Posted by:

Looking at that picture again, it’s obvious that Emma Thompson is saying to Helena Bonham Carter, “….why you little home wrecking hussy whore, I can smell my husband’s musty nutsack on your bref from here,” while a blurry evil stepmother-like bad influence on HBC’s shoulder says to her, “Fuck her, get that uncut dick, honey.” It all makes sense now.

All they back in 1995, Emma Thompson and Kenneth Branagh’s marriage died and the rumor was that it ended after she found out he stuck his wayward dick in Helena Bonham Carter’s crumpet. At the time, Emma and Kenneth were married for 6 years and she had worked with HBC in Howard’s End. Kenneth then did Emma wrong by doing HBC while shooting Frankenstein and the two stayed together until 1999. Emma hasn’t really talked about how she was the British Jennifer Aniston of her time, but in the Sunday Times (via The Daily Mail) she says that she forgives HBC and the two made nice years ago.

On letting go of any rage she felt for HBC: “You can’t hold on to anything like that. It’s pointless. I haven’t got the energy for it. Helena and I made our peace years and years ago.”

On how she used her hurt feelings to play a wronged wife in Love Actually: “I’ve had so much bloody practice at crying in a bedroom, then having to go out and be cheerful, gathering up the pieces of my heart and putting them in a drawer.”

On how she and HBC are kind of alike: “Being slightly mad and a bit fashion-challenged. Perhaps that’s why Ken loved us both. She’s a wonderful woman, Helena.”

Emma probably blessed Kenneth and HBC with her forgiveness after she made DanRad, Emma Watson and the ginger one hold them down while she choked them out on the Harry Potter set. But seriously, yes, Emma Thompson is a shiny jewel lying on top of life’s greatest treasures, but it’s probably semi-easy to forgive Helena Bonham Carter and that whore Kenneth Branagh when you can wipe your tears with Greg Wise’s dick almost anytime you want.

And the real story here is that we haven’t given HBC the credit she truly deserves. HBC scooted on Kenneth Branagh’s married peen and she supposedly got on Tim Burton when he was engaged to Lisa Marie. I’ve always said that Sienna Miller is the home wrecking hero of Britain when HBC passed her sledgehammer baton to Sienna. Forgive me for not knowing my British home wrecking history, HBC!

The Time Michelle Pfeiffer Was In A Cult Of Breatharians

November 4, 2013 / Posted by:

Long before Michelle Pfeiffer maintained her beauty and strength by catching baby deer in the wild and sucking their blood under a full moon (Wolf was a documentary), she hooked up with a cult of crazies who believed that humans only needed a diet of sunshine and air to survive. It’s kind of funny that insane bitches who only eat air for breakfast, lunch and dinner don’t get that much oxygen to their brains.

Michelle tells The Sunday Telegraph’s Stella Magazine that when she first moved to Los Angeles from Orange County, she got involved with a couple who she describes as “personal trainers.” They were really into dieting and really into weights. Michelle says that she no idea that was she was a disciple of their cult even though they wanted to control her life and believed that humans in their highest state could survive without food and water.

“They worked with weights and put people on diets. Their thing was vegetarianism. They were very controlling. I wasn’t living with them but I was there a lot and they were always telling me I needed to come more. I had to pay for all the time I was there, so it was financially very draining. They believed that people in their highest state were breatharian.”

Dear Michelle, any trick who tells you that you don’t need donuts to survive is a minion of Satan and you better throw holy water at their faces before running far, far away. An evil whore who hates donuts is no friend of Jesus.

I guess Michelle was new to the whole “common sense” thing, because she didn’t realize she was involved in a cult until she met her first husband Peter Horton who had just been cast in a movie about the cult known as the Moonies. While helping Peter do research on Rev Moon Sun-myung’s Unification Church, she talked to ex-Moonies and the similiarties between their experience and her experience made her realize that she was involved in some wrong shit.

“We were talking with an ex-Moonie and he was describing the psychological manipulation and I just clicked.”

Michelle never names the cult she was involved with, but let’s put the clues together. They didn’t eat food, they didn’t drink water and they believed that air is the only nourishment your body needs. It’s obvious that the cult Michelle was involved with is called “the modeling industry.”

And Goopy Paltrow took a sip from her cup of organic beluga whale breath after saying, “What a weak bitch.

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