Unless you’ve been living in a van down by the river for the past 6 years, you already know that Kanye West is a massive control freak, so this story should come as no surprise to you. At Kim Kardashian’s birthday party last night at Tao in Las Vegas, People reports that when asked about her upcoming nuptials, Kim says “they haven’t had a moment to talk about it” (since the Kanye West Privacy-Soaked Diamond Ring Spectacular only happened a couple of days ago and Kim’s been re-applying bronzer and highlighter to her ring finger ever since) but knows that when it comes to wedding planning, it’s “whatever he wants”.
Ruh-roh, I’ve seen this a million times before on Bridezillas. Kanye’s been dreaming of this day since he was a little girl, and if the cake isn’t the perfect shade of Tiffany blue, he’ll throw a major tantrum. But really, ‘Total Kontrol Kanye’ is old hat for Kim; held immediately after Kanye’s concert at the MGM Grand, Kim entered her birthday party to a DJ playing Kanye songs and Kanye wearing the loudest jacket in the room (“IT’S ALL ABOUT ME” – Kanye’s favourite coffee mug).
All jokes aside (and I don’t mean to get too Intro to Women’s Studies 101 on you) but Kanye feels a little too controlling, right? I get the feeling that he sees Kim as a willing female robot to act out his Rom-com come-to-life fantasies with him. Meanwhile, Kim is giving off such strong I-give-up-bring-on-the-Stockholm-syndrome vibes, I feel like SEAL Team 6 should be sent in to rescue her (don’t give her back to Pimp Mama Kris, it’s just as bad there!).
Here’s Kim, Khloé Odom (is she still going by that? Let me check with PMK and get back to you), Kourtney Kardashian-Disick with Eddie Munster hair, Kim, Kanye (looking like a young Liberace in that red sateen jacket) at Kim’s 33rd birthday at Tao in Las Vegas.
(Pics via Wenn)
I totally wouldn’t be surprised if Sir Patrick Stewart and his piece got stoned before getting married in the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese.
73-year-old international treasure Patrick Stewart announced on Twitter today that he got married to his 35-year-old jazz singer girlfriend of 4 years Sunny Ozell. When Sunny Ozell gets beamed up to heaven, she will be directed to the VIP entrance when she says, “Hello, I was Patrick Stewart’s third wife.” Yes, Sunny Ozell is young enough to call Patrick Stewart “Pepaw Picard” for real, but she has very good reasons for marrying him : HE’S PATRICK FUCKING STEWART, he’s a millionaire, he can easily get her a dinner invitation from George Takei and HE’S PATRICK FUCKING STEWART.
Patrick Stewart’s rep confirms to HuffPo that he’s somebody’s husband, but the rep Super Glued their lips shut about all other details. Did he do all four takes when Sunny said “I do“? Did he perform a Shakespearean sonnet as his vows? (If the answer is yes, then he’ll probably win a few Tonys from it). And more importantly, did Magneto marry him and Sunny? If he did, then set phasers to YAAAAAASSSS!!!!
UPDATE: Ian McKellen posted this picture on Facebook with the note, “I did my part.” Dreams do come true!
Here’s Patrick Stewart and Sunny O at the opera last year.
I guess K-Fed’s spousal support from Brit Brit officially ended, because he got married to the mother of his 2-year-old daughter. In what I’m sure was a gorgeous, elegant and classy wedding, K-Fed made his girlfriend of 5 years Victoria Prince his second wife at the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas yesterday. I really hope they married in front of Brit Brit’s “…Baby One More Time” schoolgirl costume since her money obviously paid for this shit.
A source tells UsWeekly that the white Grimace surprised Victoria by proposing to her in Vegas on Friday. They got a marriage license that day. UsWeekly’s source didn’t say this, but I’m assuming that K-Fed wore a sophisticated Fruit of the Loom tuxedo t-shirt dress (in size: Xinfinity-L), tuxedo sweat culottes and patent leather velcro sandals. While a harpist softly played the matrimonial remix of Popozao, K-Fed’s guests almost fell back while watching his succulent groom tits heave up and down as he said his vows to Victoria and yes, these were his vows:
I can bust you out with my super sperm!”
I go do it, I go do it, I go do it, do it, do it.
An’ I’m here an’ I’m there, I’m Big Ban Hank, I’m everywhere
Just throw your hands up in the air
And party hardy like you just don’t care
The source also said this:
“Kevin told her he was going to Vegas for a job, but he surprised her by proposing and [then planned on] marrying her while they are there. Victoria really wanted this for a long time so she’s gotta be blown away. She’s proven herself with him from day one. It’s about time Kevin got over Britney and went on with life. Victoria is an awesome girl.”
Oh yeah, some surprise. When K-Fed tells you that he’s going to Las Vegas for a job, you know something is up. Victoria Prince probably bawled through his proposal and not because she was so happy about becoming the next Mrs. K-Fed, but because she realized that he wasn’t there for an actual job.
Tumblr’s sweetheart and the humanized eel in a curly wig Bendadick Cumsinbatches wasn’t at Comic-Con over the weekend, because he was in Ibiza sentencing his two friends to a lifetime of being together. Benedict got ordained (aka filled out a form on the Universal Life Church Monastery’s website) and officiated the wedding of his friends Seth Cummings and Rob Rinder. Before he married the two, Benedict offered his services to everyone:
“It’s a very private, lovely thing to be asked to do. Of course I’m going to make a joke after it if it goes well — ‘I do weddings. Next will be children’s parties and bat mitzvahs’. It’s a mainly Jewish and gay audience so hopefully they will be lenient towards me.”
A friend of the couple shared some pictures of their wedding on Facebook and am I drunk or does Benedict’s torso look like the face of an indifferent salmon? And getting married on a cliff is not only pretty, but it’s smart too. The piece you’re marrying won’t try to back out at the last second, because if they do, you can push their ass.
Beth Ditto got married in Maui, Hawaii recently to her girlfriend who I really thought was Jenny Shimizu for about thirty five seconds. (No, not all Asian lesbians look the same to me,thankyouverymuch! Just Asian lesbians with Jason Bateman circa 1991 haircuts.) Beth wore a dress she wore in Jean Paul Gaultier’s show a couple of years ago and her new wife Kristin Ogata wore an adult person version of the first communion shorty suit I wore as a kid. Kristin is wearing it better, because mine was about four sizes too big and I wore it with white socks and black shoes. Tacky, I know. All of Beth and Kristin’s guests wore white too, which means that there was at least one lady there who nervously clapped and smiled while thinking to herself, “Please don’t let my coochie reenact the elevator scene from The Shining right now….please.”
“At long last, now that we have returned home and recovered from all the amazingness and had some time to bask in the afterglow, we are excited to share with you a pic or two from Beth and Kristin’s wedding,” said a post on the Facebook page of Ditto’s band, The Gossip. “So much love and appreciation to all of our family and friends who celebrated with us! And a huge thank you to Jean Paul Gaultier for the dream-come-true dress!”
Congratulations to Beth and Kristin. And I really hope that during the reception, drunk ass Beth ran into the middle of the dance floor and chanted, “Obama! Obama!”
When Jimmy Kimmel marries his co-head writer Molly McNearney at the Ojai Valley Inn & Spa, every trick and tramp in Hollywood shows up. They all showed up. It looked like the drink line at the People’s Choice Awards. (I almost said the Golden Globes, but Johnny Knoxville was there and they’d never let his ass in.) Jennifer Aniston, Justin Theroux, Dax Shepard, Kristen Bell, Ellen Degeneres, Portia de Rossi, Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner and Matt Damon all showed their faces, and Gabourey Sidibe made everyone’s rings get tight and feet swell when she strolled in looking like an exploding Cool Whip factory.
I’m guessing that Jimmy is putting some of his wedding on his show and that’s why the Big Bombshell of Brooklyn showed up in a wedding dress. So on the next Jimmy Kimmel Live, expect to see Gabourey bum rushing down the aisle and body slamming Molly. We’re all going to laugh while watching workers scrape off pieces of Molly that’s stuck between those stones in the ground. But really, I’m surprised that Ben Affleck didn’t crash the wedding in a white dress so Jimmy Kimmel would have a reason to sing an acoustic version of “I’m Fucking Ben Affleck” at the altar.
And I hope that on his show, Jimmy shows the part of his wedding where Molly threw the bouquet and Jennifer Aniston chinned every bitch to get to it.
As expected, Halle Berry got herself a third husband in France yesterday. As Halle and Olivier Martinez’s friends and family stood in the back, taking bets on how long this shit is going to last, they got married at the Chateau des Conde in Vallery, France. Halle and Olivier’s wedding was small and just their 60 closest friends and family were invited. Gabriel Aubry wasn’t there, but he was included in the ceremony when Olivier said to Halle, “I promise to love and cherish you and beat the pretty out of your ex’s face whenever he comes to the door without calling first.”
People says that a civil union went down at around 4pm and then they had a religious ceremony right after. Some source told UsWeekly that after Halle and Olivier became future ex-wife and future ex-husband in a pre-divorce ceremony, they ate, danced and watched fireworks.
“White marquees were put up, and everyone was very discreet because it was a show business wedding. But generally it was pretty down-to-earth. They all partied long into the night.”
Halle’s unborn son and her daughter Nahla were also at the wedding, because, well, they had no choice. So yeah, Halle and Olivier took Nahla to France to get married. Yeah, I hope Gabriel’s got a premium Skype account, because he’s never going to see Nahla AGAIN!
And here’s some riveting pictures of Halle looking like she has to piss while being driven to her wedding.
Kerry Washington got secret married in Idaho last month and in a surprising plot twist, her new husband isn’t old and white. Yes, I get all my information about Kerry Washington’s past love life from Who’s Dated Who.TerezOwens.com and E! News say that San Francisco 49ers cornerback Nnamdi Asomugha is now Kerry Washington’s first husband. They got married in Blaine County, Idaho on June 24th. Apparently, 36-year-old Kerry and 32-year-old Nnamdi have been doing it since last summer. I know, Kerry has LIED TO US ALL (not really, not at all)!
The Blaine County clerk’s office confirms to UsWeekly that a marriage between Nnamdi Asomugha and Kerry Washington was recorded on June 24th in Hailey, Idaho. Kerry’s mom and dad were the witnesses.
I don’t watch Scandal, but I do read practically every headline that’s written on the Internet, so I thought Kerry Washington was humping on the evil dude who tried to kill Demi Moore in Ghost?! And isn’t keeping this news a secret until the Fourth of July weekend (and until her Vanity Fair cover came out) a true Olivia Pope move? Well played, Kerry.
John Barrowman, better known as Jack Harness from Dr. Who and Torchwood (or as every gay nerd’s fap star), married his dude of 20 years, Scott Gill, in California yesterday. John and Scott became civil partners in the UK in 2006, but now that gay marriage is legal in CA they decided to become husband and husband. They probably figured that since they’ve been together for 20 years and have been mostly happy during those 20 years they should know what it’s like to be absolutely miserable, so they got married. YAY!
The Scottish Neil Patrick Harris (or is Neil Patrick Harris the American John Barrowman?) announced in a WhoSay video yesterday that he and Scott were off to get married:
Congratulations to Captain Jack and Scott! And now that they’re married, Captain Jack has a legal obligation to tell Scott that those bangs aren’t the look.
via The Daily Mail
One Step Closer To The Apocalypse: Chad Kroeger And Avril Lavigne Got Married (UPDATE: No, They Didn’t…Yet)
UPDATE: The unholy union of suck isn’t legal…yet. UsWeekly says that Avril and Chad’s “wedding party” was last night. Their actual wedding is tomorrow July 1st. What a magical Canada Day miracle!
Lucifer showed that he is real and has a real fucked up sense of humor today when the official unholy union of suck that is Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavigne became husband and wife in the South of France today. Yeah, this is why the sky is filled with black clouds, the ground is covered with dead birds and I’m burning my toes off every time I step outside. I’m burning my toes off because it’s at least 6,000 degrees in L.A. and that’s because the flames of the underworld are burning high while Lucifer’s minions celebrate this dark-sidedness.
When Chad and Avril got engaged last year, I figured it was just some viral marketing stunt produced by the Mayans and it was their way of reminding us that the world really is ending on December 21, 2012. When the world didn’t end, I figured Chad and Avril would quietly break up and our international nightmare would be over. But nope, UsWeekly says that Chad and Avril really did get married in an “intimate” (translation: nobody wanted to come) wedding in Cannes. Avril wore a gown by Johanna Johnson and her gay best friend was her maid of honor. Now I know that’s a lie. Avril obviously wore a custom-made fishnet and black latex gown by Hot Topic and her maid of honor was Emily the Strange. Chad wore a tuxedo by Affliction and a jar of AXE hair putty was his best man.
This is the first marriage for 38-year-old Chad and the second for Avril’s 28-year-old ass.
Well, the good news is that since it’s a long weekend in Canada, Canadians have an extra day to celebrate the marriage of their royal couple. And by celebrate, I mean laugh uncontrollably to keep from crying. All hail the Canadian Prince William and Duchess Kate!