Amanda Seyfried is going to give birth to another human soon, so I guess she and her man, Thomas Sadoski, figured that they should get the whole “married” thing out of the way before they’re up to their eyeballs in newborn slobber, baby diarrhea, nanny applications and pulled-out hair from listening to those selfish balls of neediness whine over stupid shit like being hungry. Thomas, who is also an actor, was on The Late Late Show last night to promote something I’m too lazy to Google and he declared that he is now Mr. Karen from Mean Girls.
Just when I was beginning to think that we needed some actual happy news around these dreary parts, RuPaul came through and caused cannons to burp out loads of confetti by announcing that he’s married now!
After being engaged for what felt like forever (2015, truly simpler times), Dave Franco and Alison Brie have gotten married. Dave and Alison seem kind of private, so it’s not like they were going to leap onto the cover of People with a headline screaming “OUR MARRIAGE JOY! 14-picture wedding album inside.” No, instead reps for Dave and Alison simply confirmed that they got married and that’s it.
Dave talked about their future marriage to Entertainment Tonight last June, and he made it seem like neither of them are big on wedding traditions or formality. They’re both sort of goofy people as well, so I really want to believe that Dave showed up to his wedding shirtless and covered in oil, and Alison walked down the aisle in a white lace version of her GLOW leotard.
But what’s really important is the role Dave’s brother James Franco played in the wedding. I’m sure that while Dave and Alison were casually shrugging about their wedding (“Crab puffs? Eh, sure“), James had a 30-point plan of high-art attention-grabbing and spotlight-stealing. Did James slip the wedding officiant a greasy $100 and perform the ceremony in Tommy Wiseau drag? Did James sing a trap version of At Last as a character called Etta James Franco? I’m sure we’ll have all those answers and more at the premiere of James’ next experimental art film, Wedding Cake Fuckers (Yes I Tried to Fuck the Cake).
Yesterday, nerds released a tsunami of tears while learning that Harley Quinn may have gotten secret-married over the weekend. Margot Robbie didn’t announce it herself, because it was a secret. But several Australian publications reported that she got married to her boyfriend of three years, Tom Ackerley, somewhere in Australia.
Margot finally commented on that marriage rumor, although she didn’t use words. Margot posted a picture of that kind of ring on that finger on Instagram last night without a caption. But she really didn’t need to include a caption of what had happened. If a picture is worth a thousand words, then the picture is basically saying, “Yes I got married.”
I’m a little confused though. Where’s the rest of that ring? Margot is a famous and rich person, which means that diamond should be at least 6 pounds bigger and 9.8 karats gaudier. Doesn’t she realize she’s legally required as a famous person to have a rock the size of a baby gerbil on her hand?
I 100% doubt that picture was taken at the wedding, but if it was and Margot got married in an off-white Hanes Beefy-T, she’s my new hero.
I’m suggesting a toaster, since she clearly doesn’t need another crystal paperweight. She’s already got one on her left hand.
Pippa Middleton, the non-hydrogenated spread to Kate Middleton’s butter, has finally set a date for her wedding to rich banker James Matthews. We can all let out that breath we’ve been holding in for the past five months.
Hello! says that Pippa and James are getting married on May 20, 2017 at St. Marks Church in Englefield. The reception will be held at Pippa’s parents’ house in Bucklebury. I’m sort of from the country, so when I hear that a wedding reception is back at the house of the bride’s parents, I picture a cooler full of canned wine and three-to-five buckets of KFC on fold-out tables that were bought from Walmart (and returned the next day). Pippa’s parents house is called Bucklebury Manor, so it’s not going to be that kind of reception.
Prince Harry is supposedly invited. As for which other members of the Royal family will be there. Prince George is rumored to be a pageboy, which sounds like the fancy British version of a ring bearer, while Princess Charlotte will be a flower girl. No word on if Pippa will return the favor and make Duchess Kate her maid of honor. Hello! is saying that James’ best man will be his brother, Made in Chelsea’s Spencer Matthews. Okay, I take back what I said about it being that kind of wedding. There’s no way a wedding that includes Prince Harry, Spencer Matthews, and Kate and Pippa’s jealous-of-the-attention brother James Middleton won’t turn that reception into the sort of thing that ends up with the dance floor being hosed down and disinfected at the end of the night.
Last night, sometimes-actor/singer Corey Feldman made good on his previous threat to marry his 27-year-old girlfriend and band-mate, Courtney Anne. Courtney is Canadian and Corey believes that in Trump’s America, his now-wife would stand to be deported. But instead of running to the courthouse, they hauled ass to Las Vegas for a quickie Vegas wedding with a dress, vows, vegan wedding cake, and an ice luge (I assume).