A real British royal wedding happened yesterday, and unlike those attention whores Duchess Kate and Prince William, it wasn’t televised for the public, because the bride is a demure and private flower.
Jodie Marsh, the goddess Duchess Kate aspires to be, made the cherubs barf up a stream of hearts and rainbows when she made some dude named James Placido the luckiest mere mortal on the planet by marrying him. James is technically Jodie’s first husband. In 2007, Jodie fake married her rival Katie Price’s ex Matt Peacock. Matt was a contestant on her reality show, Totally Jodie Marsh: Who’ll Take Her Up The
Ass Aisle? The producers eventually found out that Matt and Jodie were dating before shooting started and she made him audition for the show. They split up after 3 months of fake wedded bliss and Jodie admitted the marriage was for TV and never real. So basically, Kim Kardashian is a Sam’s Choice version of Jodie Marsh.
Jodie made the announcement about her first genuine marriage (I think) on Twitter today and you’d think that the British government would immediately declare it a national holiday. But that didn’t happen since THE QUEEN and Duchess Kate are jealous of Jodie’s regal beauty.
Tabloid editors just dumped all their pre-written “Lonely Jen Cries Into A Bowl Of Ice Cream Soup After Justin Calls Off The Wedding” cover stories into the trash and are yelling at their minions to quickly write stories about how Jen is trying for baby even though her new marriage is on the rocks. Because according to both People and E!, sources (aka either Jennifer’s publicist or her greediest Cabbage Patch doll looking for some easy cash) confirm that Jennifer Aniston made Justin Theroux her second husband yesterday. This probably means that the Summer of Splits has finally come to an end now that Jennifer Fucking Aniston got married.
TMZ reported this morning that some kind of party went down at Jennifer Aniston’s house in Bel Air yesterday and it looked and smelled like a wedding. Well, it turns out it was a wedding. Paps caught a pastor going into her house and workers were spotted with a cake that had a groom puppet and a bride puppet on top of it. The likes of Chelsea Handler, Howard Stern, Sia, Ellen DeGeneres, Lisa Kudrow and John Krasinski all showed up.
Jennifer and Justin started doing it full-time in 2010. They got engaged around his birthday, which is August 10th, in 2012 and many hos thought that pigs would sprout wings and learn to fly before these two actually got married.
There aren’t many details about the wedding, but I’m sure that in the next couple of weeks, we’ll see all the pictures in every magazine from People to Dogster Magazine to Haute Doll Magazine (her American Girl dolls, who were her bridesmaids probably, will get an exclusive spread in that one), because Jennifer’s publicist doesn’t play around. I’m guessing that Jennifer wore a dress made from her dried ~lonely~ tears and that everyone passed out at the end of the night. Jennifer passed out from doing celebratory tequila shots off of Chelsea Handler’s ass and Justin passed out after his tuxedo jeggings cut off his circulation completely. Congrats!
Jennie Garth and her ex-husband Peter Facinelli both got engaged to their new pieces a month apart, but it is she who has beat him to the wedding day altar. (Yes, I’ve created a fake wedding day race between Jennie Garth and Peter Felchanelly, because such is my non-life.)
People says that forever-Kelly-Taylor-to-me married actor Dave Abrams, her man of 8 months, at her ranch in Los Olivos, CA last night. (That ranch is not to be confused with the black house she renovated on her HGTV show, which yes, I watched.) Jennie and Dave met on a blind date and liked each other enough to get engaged in April. Jennie has been married twice before.
In case you care about the details of Jennie Garth’s third wedding, UsWeekly says that she wore a dress, her three daughters with Peter Facinelli wore flowers crowns, guests sat on vintage wooden church pews, white swans floated in the pool and the altar was white wood and covered with flowers. So Jennie’s wedding was basically the shabbychicwedding hashtag on Pinterest.
The bad part about Jennie’s wedding is that apparently Tori Spelling was the only Beverly Hills, 90210 trick there! And you know Tori was seen leaving the wedding with a cardboard box full of centerpieces she plans to sell at a yard sale. I really can’t with that mess Kelly Taylor for throwing a wedding and not inviting everyone from 90210. I’m going to choose to believe that UsWeekly got it wrong and that they were all there and recreated this amazing dance scene by the swan-filled pool at the reception.
“Thanks for taking the heat off me for a day or two! I owe you one!” hollered Conrad Hilton to his sister right before she walked down the aisle.
Earlier today, the child of Rick and Kathy Hilton who makes them question their poor parenting choices the least, Nicky Hilton, got married for the second time. UsWeekly says Nicky made it legal with a rich British guy named James Rothschild in a big fat fancy wedding. For real, it was Royal Family fancy. Nicky and James got married at the Orangery in Kensington Palace. Kensington Palace is where Prince William and Duchess Kate live.
Nicky’s fancy rich person wedding wasn’t limited to saying “I do” in front of Prince George’s bedroom window. According to The Daily Mail, Nicky’s dress was a custom-made Valentino gown that cost £50,000 (approx. $77,554 in US monies). That’s a lot of money to look like Grace Kelly meets Lorelei Lee meets reformed rich brat. I know she was going for sophisticated and classy, but part of me secretly hopes her ‘something old’ was a Chick by Nicky Hilton bowling purse.
Of course, Nicky’s older sister and the reason why any of us know who Nicky Hilton is in the first place, Paris Hilton, was a bridesmaid. And she looked totally thrilled!
Poor Paris. Not the center of attention. I’m kidding – I’m sure Paris is happy it’s Nicky getting hitched and not her. Paris has at least two to three dozen more under-30 models to bang before she even considers getting hitched.
Here’s more of Nicky looking like she should be shrunk down and placed on the top of a cake shortly before her wedding to James Rothschild. As well as more pictures of Paris and Mama Kathy Hilton who looks like Sherri Ann Cabot on Rhapsody in White’s wedding day.
When Billy Joel’s friends and family showed up to his gigantic estate on Long Island yesterday, they thought they were there for a Fourth of July party, but they quickly realized that they were actually there for his fourth wedding. Nothing will punch the excitement out of you like finding out that you have to sit through a boring wedding before getting Fourth of July plastered.
People says that 33-year-old Alexis Roderick, who used to work for Morgan Stanley, became the third blonde inducted into The Billy Joel Wives Club when she married 66-year-old Billy Joel yesterday. The wedding was officiated by Sandra Lee’s piece Governor Andrew Cuomo. UsWeekly says that guests including his daughter Alexa Ray and the King of Queens, Kevin James, watched Billy Joel become somebody’s husband for the fourth time. Billy Joel was married to Elizabeth Weber for 9 years, ageless vampire Christie Brinkley for 9 years and Katie Lee for 6 years.
Billy Joel and Alexis started bumping fuck parts in 2009. Alexis currently has Billy Joel’s second child growing in her womb. Back in April, they announced that she’s knocked up.
Billy and Alexis released that picture above after they got married. That picture really is the perfect portrait of wedded bliss. I mean, Billy (who is giving me overcooked hot dog in that picture) looks like he’s thinking to himself “Oh god, what have I done AGAIN?” while she’s closing her eyes and envisioning herself leaping across a mountain of his money. Congrats to the happy couple!
And here’s some pictures of Billy and his new trophy bride throughout the years.
Even though Dustin Diamond will forever will be the undisputed holder of the title for Messiest Mess from Saved By The Bell, it’s nice to see his former TV crush doing her part to remind us all that Screech isn’t the only one who can cause the rest of the SBTB cast to see her name pop up in the news and utter the words, “Oh boy, what now.”
TMZ says that Lark Voorhies, aka Bayside’s acid-washed rich bitch legend Lisa Turtle, has been spending her days getting married a bunch of times to a music engineer she met a year ago on Facebook named Jimmy Green. According to TMZ, they had a commitment ceremony on April 1st and were legally married in Las Vegas on April 30th,. They’re planning another wedding sometime next year. No word on whether or not their first dance will be The Sprain.
Jimmy tells TMZ (never have three words potentially cursed a marriage more) that they’ve never lived together, and they’re currently looking for a place to live. So on top of everything, we can add “marrying a guy she already married that she still doesn’t live with” to that already messy sentence above.
I’m going to guess the reason Lisa Turtle and Facebook Jimmy keep getting married is because Jimmy keeps fucking up in the wedding day dress code department. I don’t know if that picture above is from their commitment ceremony or their Vegas wedding, but sloppy jeans and a t-shirt is clearly far too casual for Lark’s dramatic 1980s Palm Beach sunglasses-indoors society wife eleganza.
UPDATE: “Oh boy, what now” is right. Apparently Facebook Jimmy is wanted by the police for failing to appear in court after he was arrested for threatening to kill a store owner back in 2012. Kelly and Jessie, come get your girl – she needs you.
When vampire actress Nikki Reed and vampire actor Ian Somerhalder pressed the fast forward button on their relationship by making it legal last month, I was shocked beyond shocked that their first order of business wasn’t to run to UsWeekly or InTouch or the Glendale NOW! free weekly shopper and hustle their wedding photos for a check with a couple zeros at the end. Instead, Nikki held tight until yesterday when she released a highlight reel of their wedding to Instagram. Warning: high-levels of whimsical soft-focus romance ahead.
Normally when you’re thinking of making it legal with another person, you ask questions to make sure you’re compatible with each other. Stuff like “Would you say you like or love Shahs of Sunset?” or “In your opinion, how many bottles of wine is too many?” Once you get all the important shit out of the way, you move on to the boring questions like “Do you have a secret wife?” or “How many secret wives do you currently have?” Unfortunately, Bristol Palin’s mama was too busy practicing her smile-n-wink in the mirror to teach her daughter basic relationship 101, and now Bristol has once again found herself in the middle of some messy marriage drama.
Back in March, 24-year-old Bristol announced that she was engaged to a 26-year-old U.S. Marine named Dakota Meyer, and they were planning on getting hitched on Memorial Day Weekend. Then it got all kinds of Palin-y last week when it was revealed that Dakota Meyer may already have a wife. A friend of Bristol’s fiancé’s secret wife’s sister came forward and ratted his ass out, claiming that he got married in Kentucky when he was 19 and they still might be technically married.
After nine months of bumping fuck parts and three months of being engaged, fake vampires Ian Somerhalder and Nikki Reed got married in Malibu, CA yesterday. I hear all you bitter bitches putting your money into the their divorce pool. Put me down for six months.
E! News says that Ian and Nikki got married in front of family and friends including Lea Michele and her piece. Guests were asked to donate to Ian and Nikki’s favorite animal charity instead of getting them gifts and that’s nice of them. If I was Nikki’s friend or family member, I’d be pissed if I had to go out and buy her a VitaMix or some shit, knowing that I’m going to get it back in a few weeks when her marriage eats shit. No, that will never ever happen. Ian and Nikki will be together forever, because they never fight! Nikki told People a couple of months ago that they only fight about one thing. If you didn’t think it was humanly possible to roll your eyes and dry heave at the same time, this quote will prove you wrong:
“He thinks his eyes are ocean blue and I think they’re aqua.”
I disagree with both of them. I think his eyes are the color of the barf I throw up when I drink a Blue Raspberry Slurpee right before reading that quote again.
The Daily Mail has completely crystal clear pictures of Ian and Nikki frolicking in their wedding clothes and I’m pretty sure those pictures were taken with a sweet potato (the sweet potato is the next model up from a potato) attached to a drone. This is 26 year-old Nikki’s second time at marriage. Her divorce to her first husband of 2 and a half years Paul McDonald was finalized this year. This is 36-year-old Ian Summerhalter’s first time at being married. Some hating prude haters are throwing a side-eye at Nikki, but I’m slow clapping for her. She is well on her way to building a huge engagement and wedding ring collection and if she keeps growing her collection it could be worth millions by the time she’s 65. She doesn’t need a 401k! Suze Orman should truly take note.
Paramedics are going to busy today, because some old ladies are going to get two of the biggest shocks of their lives when they find out that their heterosexual sex god in a satin blazer actually likes dick and married his longtime partner.
Hearts Pacemakers will break today. Don’t tell them about John Travolta. They can only handle so much today.
The American journal of pure integrity The National Enquirer was the first to report that 71-year-old Barry Manilow and his 66-year-old business manager/longtime partner in peen Garry Kief became husband and husband at their estate in Palm Springs, CA last April. When I think of a Barry Manilow wedding, my head fills with glitter, because I think of groomsmen in sequined Copacabana outfits, a beautiful altar flanked with neon palm trees, mermaids doing a synchronized dance of love in the pool and guests gasping at the sight of Barry’s stunning wedding day wig. Basically, I picture an understated, casual day at Liberace’s house. But according to the source I have it all wrong, because the ‘arry’s wedding was intimate and low-key.
The source says that 50 of Barry and Garry’s friends and family were invited, but they weren’t told that a wedding was happening. They all believed they were coming over for a lunch. Barry’s assistant Marc Hulett officiated the ceremony and Suzanne Somers was the best man. The original Clay Aiken was so paranoid about people finding out about the ceremony that he and Garry didn’t even sign any paperwork, so they’re not legally married. Oh, Barry!
“Barry has lived a very secretive life and the wedding was no different! Barry and Garry did not tell friends or family that the occasion was their wedding. It was a beautiful wedding and consummated their lifelong love affair!
Barry is paranoid that his fans would not approve of him being gay, when in reality, many have suspected it for years – and most wouldn’t care. They would be happy for him!”
The people who don’t know that Barry Manilow is gay are the same people who ask me in a serious voice if I have a girlfriend. Their gaydars are the wind up kind and the clockwork motor broke a long ass time ago. Barry and Garry should come out with their love, because the source is right, most Fanilows probably wouldn’t care that he’s gay. In fact, some of them would be relieved. They’ve been saving their vagina for him and after they find out that they really have no chance in hell with him, they’ll run out and get them some dick. Barry would be giving them the gift of dick and that’s a beautiful, beautiful gift.
Here’s Barry’s best man with her man at some event in Las Vegas a couple of weeks ago.