It felt like it was just yesterday when I was rolling my eyes while spitting out the words, “shameless stunt queen whores,” under my breath as I looked at Sofia Vergara and tall drink of muscles Joe Manganiello keep it totally natural and not-at-all choreographed in front of the paps. And now they’re married. I know, they’re really taking this PR stunt relationship all the way! That’s dedication! That’s how it’s done!
No, no, that’s just the bitterness and jealousy talking. I’m sure their love is completely natural and totally organic, and now they’re officially married to each other. People says that 43-year-old Sofia and 38-year-old Joe got married at The Breakers in Palm Beach, FL (aka the hotel from Heartbreakers) at around 7pm tonight in front of 400 guests including famous types like Reese Witherspoon, Channing Tatum, the entire cast of Modern Family, Anna Paquin, Stephen Moyer, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Harvey Weinstein. I know, 7pm on a damn Sunday! Some of Sofia and Joe’s guests are probably working on their “ill voice,” because they’re going to need to call in sick tomorrow.
Sofia has already Instagrammed pictures from the wedding, and sadly, Joe is wearing clothes. I know, what’s the point of marrying Joe ManJello if you’re not going to marry him while he’s totally naked except for a bow tie wrapped around his peen?
Guests had to hand over their cell phones to security before the ceremony. But don’t worry, since Sofia’s hustle game is like no other, I’m sure we’ll soon find out every detail of the wedding. There will be 600 pictures in People, a cheap replica of Sofia’s wedding dress will be sold at Kmart, an exclusive Cover Girl perfume that captures the scent of their love will be created and you’ll be able to buy the model of the bed they fucked on as husband and wife at Rooms To Go.
Sofia and Joe became a thing last year after she broke up with that Onion Crunch mogul douche who is now suing her for the right to use their embryos.
I would say congratulations, but I’m not going to do that, because I hate Sofia Vergara!!! First of all, she gets to fuck on Joe ManJello regularly and second of all, he serenaded her with this beautiful song:
The Australian tabloid Woman’s Day was the first to say that Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise’s 22-year-old daughter Isabella Cruise married her non-Scientologist boyfriend Max Parker at a fancy hotel in London on September 18th. The details were about as convoluted as Tommy Girl’s thought process.
Woman’s Day said that Tommy Girl wasn’t at the wedding, but Nicole Kidman was. Radar piped in and also said that Tommy wasn’t there and they added that he had never met his daughter’s new husband. But then a Tommy Girl source (E.T. probably) told TMZ that he wasn’t at the wedding, but it wasn’t a big deal. Isabella wanted to keep the wedding small and so no parents were invited. TMZ’s source also said that Tom paid for the wedding and had met Max Parker before. Well, now Page Six is jumping in with their side. They say that Tommy was at the wedding and Nicole Kidman didn’t even know it was happening.
“Bitch, please – like you had any say outside of choosing which of your $125 leather hipster bracelets to wear.”
No, the planning was totally a joint effort. And apparently Justin Theroux had about as much fun doing it as he does when Jennifer Aniston hollers at him from the garage and tells him to get his ass in there and help her organize her Aveeno inventory. Justin Theroux recently spoke to the NY Daily News about the day he finally made it legal with Jennifer Aniston, and according to him, planning it was kind of a drag, because they had to keep it so secret.
“I wouldn’t say it was fun to plan. Part of the fun of planning a wedding is telling people and we had to keep it under wrap.” But once the deed was done he felt a shift, he says.
“I noticed it almost immediately. It was like your blood pressure goes down two PSI. It’s not like life is completely different. It’s a beautiful thing.”
Justin also swatted at people whispering that he and Jenny’s 7 week old marriage is dead by saying that they’re “happily married.” And just like that, a million Brangeloonies gave Justin a “Sure, Jan.”
I guess I sort of get why you’d want to keep your wedding on the hush, but really, it is kind of nice to fill your guests in before hand. For example, I once went to a wedding where the bride was all secretive and wouldn’t tell anyone anything, and the biggest surprise was that there was no cake. None. If I had known ahead of time that I’d be pouring packets of sugar from the coffee station onto buttered dinner rolls and pretending it was cake, I might have been better prepared and brought my own. Pocket cake isn’t rude, it’s practical.
Here’s Jennifer Aniston’s husband looking all kinds of hot while walking around New York last week.
You know that right before the reception, Allison Williams’ daddy Brian Williams was like “Honey, please tell me there isn’t going to be a garter toss. I really can’t handle watching anything else of yours get tossed.”
So Peter Pan made it legal with her rich-ass internet boyfriend yesterday. According to Page Six, Brian Williams’ kid and College Humor co-founder Ricky Van Veen, a dude who totally sounds like the 13-year-old villain in a direct-to-DVD Air Bud movie, got married in a fancy secret wedding at a Wyoming ranch. Apparently they wanted to keep it ~so~ secret, so they had all their guests fly to Denver, where they were driven three hours into the middle of horsie country. After they got hitched, Allison threw up a picture of her and Ricky looking like Wedding Day Midge & Allen dolls on Instagram.
They also had a fancy-ass guests list too. Page Six says that Allison and Ricky’s wedding was officiated by Tom Hanks and Ricky’s BFF John Mayer performed. This would be where I’d normally make a “Dear bridesmaids who banged John Mayer under the cake table last night: you’re going to need some cream for that rash” joke. But John’s ex Katy Perry was also there, and you know what happens when you get drunk at a wedding with your ex (ie. you fuck under the cake table).
Other guests included all the Girls girls (Lena Dunham, Jemima Kirke, Zosia Mamet), Anna Wintour’s kid, Rita Wilson, and Andy Cohen. But I’m sure if you ask Brian Williams, the guest list included Jesus, Santa, all 44 Presidents of the United States, Forrest Gump (okay, that one is technically true), Jiff the Pom, and the Honey Nut Cheerios bee.
A real British royal wedding happened yesterday, and unlike those attention whores Duchess Kate and Prince William, it wasn’t televised for the public, because the bride is a demure and private flower.
Jodie Marsh, the goddess Duchess Kate aspires to be, made the cherubs barf up a stream of hearts and rainbows when she made some dude named James Placido the luckiest mere mortal on the planet by marrying him. James is technically Jodie’s first husband. In 2007, Jodie fake married her rival Katie Price’s ex Matt Peacock. Matt was a contestant on her reality show, Totally Jodie Marsh: Who’ll Take Her Up The
Ass Aisle? The producers eventually found out that Matt and Jodie were dating before shooting started and she made him audition for the show. They split up after 3 months of fake wedded bliss and Jodie admitted the marriage was for TV and never real. So basically, Kim Kardashian is a Sam’s Choice version of Jodie Marsh.
Jodie made the announcement about her first genuine marriage (I think) on Twitter today and you’d think that the British government would immediately declare it a national holiday. But that didn’t happen since THE QUEEN and Duchess Kate are jealous of Jodie’s regal beauty.
Tabloid editors just dumped all their pre-written “Lonely Jen Cries Into A Bowl Of Ice Cream Soup After Justin Calls Off The Wedding” cover stories into the trash and are yelling at their minions to quickly write stories about how Jen is trying for baby even though her new marriage is on the rocks. Because according to both People and E!, sources (aka either Jennifer’s publicist or her greediest Cabbage Patch doll looking for some easy cash) confirm that Jennifer Aniston made Justin Theroux her second husband yesterday. This probably means that the Summer of Splits has finally come to an end now that Jennifer Fucking Aniston got married.
TMZ reported this morning that some kind of party went down at Jennifer Aniston’s house in Bel Air yesterday and it looked and smelled like a wedding. Well, it turns out it was a wedding. Paps caught a pastor going into her house and workers were spotted with a cake that had a groom puppet and a bride puppet on top of it. The likes of Chelsea Handler, Howard Stern, Sia, Ellen DeGeneres, Lisa Kudrow and John Krasinski all showed up.
Jennifer and Justin started doing it full-time in 2010. They got engaged around his birthday, which is August 10th, in 2012 and many hos thought that pigs would sprout wings and learn to fly before these two actually got married.
There aren’t many details about the wedding, but I’m sure that in the next couple of weeks, we’ll see all the pictures in every magazine from People to Dogster Magazine to Haute Doll Magazine (her American Girl dolls, who were her bridesmaids probably, will get an exclusive spread in that one), because Jennifer’s publicist doesn’t play around. I’m guessing that Jennifer wore a dress made from her dried ~lonely~ tears and that everyone passed out at the end of the night. Jennifer passed out from doing celebratory tequila shots off of Chelsea Handler’s ass and Justin passed out after his tuxedo jeggings cut off his circulation completely. Congrats!
Jennie Garth and her ex-husband Peter Facinelli both got engaged to their new pieces a month apart, but it is she who has beat him to the wedding day altar. (Yes, I’ve created a fake wedding day race between Jennie Garth and Peter Felchanelly, because such is my non-life.)
People says that forever-Kelly-Taylor-to-me married actor Dave Abrams, her man of 8 months, at her ranch in Los Olivos, CA last night. (That ranch is not to be confused with the black house she renovated on her HGTV show, which yes, I watched.) Jennie and Dave met on a blind date and liked each other enough to get engaged in April. Jennie has been married twice before.
In case you care about the details of Jennie Garth’s third wedding, UsWeekly says that she wore a dress, her three daughters with Peter Facinelli wore flowers crowns, guests sat on vintage wooden church pews, white swans floated in the pool and the altar was white wood and covered with flowers. So Jennie’s wedding was basically the shabbychicwedding hashtag on Pinterest.
The bad part about Jennie’s wedding is that apparently Tori Spelling was the only Beverly Hills, 90210 trick there! And you know Tori was seen leaving the wedding with a cardboard box full of centerpieces she plans to sell at a yard sale. I really can’t with that mess Kelly Taylor for throwing a wedding and not inviting everyone from 90210. I’m going to choose to believe that UsWeekly got it wrong and that they were all there and recreated this amazing dance scene by the swan-filled pool at the reception.
“Thanks for taking the heat off me for a day or two! I owe you one!” hollered Conrad Hilton to his sister right before she walked down the aisle.
Earlier today, the child of Rick and Kathy Hilton who makes them question their poor parenting choices the least, Nicky Hilton, got married for the second time. UsWeekly says Nicky made it legal with a rich British guy named James Rothschild in a big fat fancy wedding. For real, it was Royal Family fancy. Nicky and James got married at the Orangery in Kensington Palace. Kensington Palace is where Prince William and Duchess Kate live.
Nicky’s fancy rich person wedding wasn’t limited to saying “I do” in front of Prince George’s bedroom window. According to The Daily Mail, Nicky’s dress was a custom-made Valentino gown that cost £50,000 (approx. $77,554 in US monies). That’s a lot of money to look like Grace Kelly meets Lorelei Lee meets reformed rich brat. I know she was going for sophisticated and classy, but part of me secretly hopes her ‘something old’ was a Chick by Nicky Hilton bowling purse.
Of course, Nicky’s older sister and the reason why any of us know who Nicky Hilton is in the first place, Paris Hilton, was a bridesmaid. And she looked totally thrilled!
Poor Paris. Not the center of attention. I’m kidding – I’m sure Paris is happy it’s Nicky getting hitched and not her. Paris has at least two to three dozen more under-30 models to bang before she even considers getting hitched.
Here’s more of Nicky looking like she should be shrunk down and placed on the top of a cake shortly before her wedding to James Rothschild. As well as more pictures of Paris and Mama Kathy Hilton who looks like Sherri Ann Cabot on Rhapsody in White’s wedding day.
When Billy Joel’s friends and family showed up to his gigantic estate on Long Island yesterday, they thought they were there for a Fourth of July party, but they quickly realized that they were actually there for his fourth wedding. Nothing will punch the excitement out of you like finding out that you have to sit through a boring wedding before getting Fourth of July plastered.
People says that 33-year-old Alexis Roderick, who used to work for Morgan Stanley, became the third blonde inducted into The Billy Joel Wives Club when she married 66-year-old Billy Joel yesterday. The wedding was officiated by Sandra Lee’s piece Governor Andrew Cuomo. UsWeekly says that guests including his daughter Alexa Ray and the King of Queens, Kevin James, watched Billy Joel become somebody’s husband for the fourth time. Billy Joel was married to Elizabeth Weber for 9 years, ageless vampire Christie Brinkley for 9 years and Katie Lee for 6 years.
Billy Joel and Alexis started bumping fuck parts in 2009. Alexis currently has Billy Joel’s second child growing in her womb. Back in April, they announced that she’s knocked up.
Billy and Alexis released that picture above after they got married. That picture really is the perfect portrait of wedded bliss. I mean, Billy (who is giving me overcooked hot dog in that picture) looks like he’s thinking to himself “Oh god, what have I done AGAIN?” while she’s closing her eyes and envisioning herself leaping across a mountain of his money. Congrats to the happy couple!
And here’s some pictures of Billy and his new trophy bride throughout the years.
Even though Dustin Diamond will forever will be the undisputed holder of the title for Messiest Mess from Saved By The Bell, it’s nice to see his former TV crush doing her part to remind us all that Screech isn’t the only one who can cause the rest of the SBTB cast to see her name pop up in the news and utter the words, “Oh boy, what now.”
TMZ says that Lark Voorhies, aka Bayside’s acid-washed rich bitch legend Lisa Turtle, has been spending her days getting married a bunch of times to a music engineer she met a year ago on Facebook named Jimmy Green. According to TMZ, they had a commitment ceremony on April 1st and were legally married in Las Vegas on April 30th,. They’re planning another wedding sometime next year. No word on whether or not their first dance will be The Sprain.
Jimmy tells TMZ (never have three words potentially cursed a marriage more) that they’ve never lived together, and they’re currently looking for a place to live. So on top of everything, we can add “marrying a guy she already married that she still doesn’t live with” to that already messy sentence above.
I’m going to guess the reason Lisa Turtle and Facebook Jimmy keep getting married is because Jimmy keeps fucking up in the wedding day dress code department. I don’t know if that picture above is from their commitment ceremony or their Vegas wedding, but sloppy jeans and a t-shirt is clearly far too casual for Lark’s dramatic 1980s Palm Beach sunglasses-indoors society wife eleganza.
UPDATE: “Oh boy, what now” is right. Apparently Facebook Jimmy is wanted by the police for failing to appear in court after he was arrested for threatening to kill a store owner back in 2012. Kelly and Jessie, come get your girl – she needs you.