One week after she announced that she was knocked-up with a tiny hand-crocheted ukelele-strumming vintage fetus, UsWeekly says that Zooey Deschanel is engaged to her baby daddy producer boyfriend Jacob Pechenik. Congrats, Zooey, you just hit the hipster wedding jackpot: adorable pregnant bride.
Zooey was married once before to Death Cab for Cutie singer Ben Gibbard from 2009 to 2011, but that ended due to “irreconcilable differences” (aka they couldn’t stop fighting over whose turn it was to sit cross-legged in the living room singing broody songs to no one in particular while they strummed on a second-hand acoustic guitar). But maybe Jacob really likes the never-ending sound of Christmas carols coming out of Zooey’s sing-hole, or he’s got a good set of noise-cancelling headphones and doesn’t care.
Baby Deschanel-Pechenik is due some time this summer, and UsWeekly doesn’t say when Zooey and Jacob are planning on getting married, but I’m going to guess it will be soon. Zooey strikes me as one of those old fashioned types that need a ring on their finger before they push out a kid, so I won’t be surprised to see a baby-bloated Zooey wrapped in 5 yards of thrift store lace curtains clutching ten wild daisies in one hand and a barf bag in the other as she shuffles down the aisle of a vintage bowling alley.
And I really want to see the quirky engagement ring Jacob proposed to her with. I know he’s only been with Zooey for about 6 months, so I hope he had enough time to find a taxidermied squirrel tooth set in an antique gold harmonica.
Never mind that the picture above looks like a pepaw beaming with pride over his grandson graduating from high school, British national treasure Stephen Fry is somebody’s husband for the first time. Stephen married stand-up comedian type Elliot Spencer in the Norfolk town of Dereham, England today. They’ve been dating for around a year. Finally, I’m bringing you news about an old millionaire marrying a young piece and the names Hugh Hefner or Jeff Goldblum aren’t involved.
Earlier this month, 57-year-old Stephen said in a tweet that he is marrying 27-year-old Elliot after someone leaked the news to The Sun. Stephen wouldn’t say when their wedding was going to happen. The Daily Mail says the two became husband and husband at the register office in Dereham. Stephen dropped the news on Twitter to his millions of followers and along with that picture, added two notes:
“Go into a room as two people…and leave as one.” Stephen makes it sound like he ate (not in the Marnie from Girls way) Elliot. Like I said in my post about their engagement, Elliot comes from a rich family so his friends say that we shouldn’t induct him into the British Gold Digger Hall of Fame just yet. Congratulations to Stephen and his new husband! Now Stephen can officially say, “No, he’s my husband, you cunt” to any trick who asks him if Elliot is his son. Today, the streets of Britain will be filled with the tears of twinks who were hoping to be Stephen’s next piece.
You would think that the messy two-year marriage he had with Tameka Foster would have soured Usher on the idea of getting hitched again, but it looks like time heals all car-scratchin’ wounds and he’s ready to do it again. According to B. Scott (via UsWeekly), multiple sources have confirmed that Usher (Usher Usher) is engaged to his manager and girlfriend Grace Miguel after she was spotted in Miami recently with a ring on THAT FINGER. Urshurr and Grace have apparently been together since he split from Tameka in 2009. A source says:
“She’s happy but they’re trying to keep it quiet.”
Well, that’s going to be sort of difficult, considering she’s been photographed with a massive rock on her hand. Nothing says “Please don’t ask me about my engagement” like wearing a big-ass Ask Me About My Engagement™ diamond. Although I’m sure Usher had to propose to Grace with a gerbil-sized engagement ring; I can imagine that it’s almost impossible for Grace to understand Usher’s high-pitched dog whistle voice when he gets excited, so it helps to have a ring that can do the talking for him. Plus, she’s his manager – she knows how much money he makes. So it’s not like he can show up with a $300 number from Jared. “Oh, this is it? I didn’t realize you could use more work. I’ll get right on that.”
And I wonder if Usher will ask Justin Bieber to be in the wedding party? I think he’s old enough to handle the responsibilities that come with being a ring bearer.
Well, it really happened. Our slut sensei (slutsei?) and peen-chasing idol, Cameron Diaz, is officially out of the game and has hung her vagina up on Benji Madden’s dick for now. Cameron had a legendary run and she did us mega sluts proud, but I guess there comes a time in every slut’s life when they have to let their fuck parts breathe a bit and settle down. This is why I weep. Leonardo DiCaprio better not even think of settling down, because he’s the slut hero we need now more than ever!
Earlier when Allison wrote about how florists and shit were setting up at Cameron’s house in Beverly Hills, I thought that maybe just maybe she would realize that there’s more peen in the sea, get cold
feet cooch and pull a Runaway Bride. But that didn’t happen. Cameron really did get married to the dude who wet humped on Parasite Hilton regularly. Benji and Cameron have been doing each other full-time since May and they got engaged 2 seconds ago. They gave this statement to People:
“We couldn’t be happier to begin our new journey together surrounded by our closest family and friends.”
Begin our new journey together?! What kind of lovey-dovey shit?
UsWeekly says that Cameron’s bridesmaids were Drew Barrymore, her new sister-in-law Nicole Richie, her assistant and her sister Chimène. (Side note: Cameron may be the richest Diaz sister, but Chimène is the Diaz sister with the hottest first name.) Benji and Cameron’s guests included Goopy Paltrow, Samantha Ronson, Robin Antin, Reese Witherspoon and a bunch of other rich Hollywood types who can party hard on a Monday night without worrying about calling in sick to their job the next day.
Congratulations to Cameron and Benji. And congratulations to psychology students specializing in dickmatization. They now have a case to write their thesis about.
Holy crap, that was fast. After dating for all of 3 seconds and being engaged for 0.05 seconds, UsWeekly says that Cameron Diaz will make the humanoid Tech Deck logo Benji Madden her first husband tonight. Slow down Cammy; it’s not The Amazing Race. Just because you didn’t get tired of him after the first 24-hours doesn’t mean he’s “the one”. Or does it? Someone ask relationship expert Steve Harvey.
According to UsWeekly, you better get your ass to Bed Bath & Beyond and pick up a monogrammed toaster or whatever, because Cameron and Benji hosted a rehearsal dinner last night in Beverly Hills, which means they are for real getting married. Not much else in known, like where it’s happening (I’m guessing either on the beach or inside the Hot Topic at the Glendale Galleria), if Benji will wear dirty Chuck Taylors with his tuxedo (he will), or who is invited. But all I really care about is whether or not someone made Cammy a custom wedding cake covered in fondant penises that spells out “Bye girl! We’ll miss you!”
But Cammy can’t get married yet – she never even had a bachelorette party! How do I know she didn’t? Trust me, if she had one, there would have been a major spike in cases of male stripper-related exhaustion. And since I haven’t heard of any male strippers with PTSD from hearing that horny bitch Cameron Diaz scream “CAMMY DEMANDS MORE DICKS!“, I will assume it never happened. Or maybe she plans on holding her bachelorette party after the wedding? That would be the smart thing to do.
The kid from 3rd Rock From The Sun (or as I know him as, DJ’s annoying ass friend on Roseanne) got married in a SHHH ceremony a few days before Christmas. If I knew that Joseph Gordon-Levitt had a girlfriend, then I completely forgot about that information and it was obviously removed from the battered metal memory cabinet in my brain and replaced with more important information like the middle names of the Property Brothers (it’s Silver and Alfred, by the way). Even though I really don’t know anything about JGL’s new wife, I can say that she’s a major catch, because think of the things she can do with those fingers dangling out of her crotch.
Yesterday, People EXCLUSIVO-LEY confirmed that JGL married his girlfriend Tasha McCauley at their home on December 20th. That’s pretty much all they know. JGL has said before that his girlfriend isn’t a Hollywood type and doesn’t want to be in that scene. Tasha McCauley is the founder and CEO of Fellow Robots, a robotics company that is based at NASA Research Park in the Silicon Valley.
I was going to call JGL the young George Clooney since he married a non-celebrity who is smart in the brain, but I can’t call him that. Because I don’t ever remember seeing video of JGL and Tasha fame whoring it up for the paps they called while waving from a boat before their publicity event of a wedding.
Pic: Pacific Coast News
This weekend truly did belong to the gay wedding and the weekend isn’t over yet so I could get married to my Anderson Cooper cutout in the drive-thru driveway of an In-N-Out. Stay tuned.
Before Lance Bass married his piece of 3 years Michael Turchin at the Park Plaza Hotel in L.A. last night, he Instagrammed that picture along with the caption:
Today I marry the man of my dreams. He makes me smile; he makes my heart melt; he makes me….me.
Judging by that picture, I think Lance meant to type: “Today Michael is lucky enough to marry the man of his and my dreams. I make him smile. I make me smile. I make his heart melt. I make my heart melt. #MichaelLovesLance #LanceLovesLance.” I mean, nothing says mutual love like a picture of Lance Bass loving himself in front of the camera while his man worships his chin and hangs onto him like some accessory. But seriously…
Elton John had David Beckham and Lulu at his wedding and that’s nice and everything, but Lance Bass’ wedding was a truly star-studded event! The Who’s Who of WHO? was there including JC Chasez, Joey Fatone, Chris Kirkpatrick, Lisa Vanderpump (who dragged her tortured fur accessory with her), Pimp Mama Kris, Gabourey Sidibe, AJ McClean, melting wax puppet Robin Antin, Martyn Lawrence Bullard from Million Dollar Decorators, Christina Applegate, Jason Collins and Jamie-Lynn Sigler who co-officiated the ceremony with JoAnna Garcia Swisher.
Justin Timberlake couldn’t make it, because: a) He probably thinks he’s too good for that shit and; b) He had to work. He’s on tour.
People says that guests were told to dress like they were “going to a royal wedding at the MET Ball.” I don’t really know what that means, but after looking at the pictures of what the guests were wearing I’m guessing it means look as messy and tacky as possible. The wedding was designed by planner Sharon Sacks who did Kim Kartrashian and Kris Humphries’ wedding and also did Kim Kartrashian and Kanye’s wedding.
Lance and Michael’s wedding was shot for an E! special titled Lance Loves Michael: The Lance Bass Wedding. It will air in February. Oh God, Lance, what are you doing?! He gets married in front of E!’s cameras, used Kim Kartrashian’s wedding planner and invited Pimp Mama Kris?! That’s one way for Lance Bass to guarantee that his marriage doesn’t last more than 72 days.
67-year-old Elton John and 52-year-old David Furnish have been together for 21 years, which is approximately 3,450 in gay relationship years. I guess they decided that they had a good run and it’s about time they totally fuck it by getting married, because the two became each other’s husband in England today.
Elton and David got into a civil partnership with each other in 2005 and 3 years later, his smug ass told USA Today that he doesn’t need to be married and that if gay people want marriage, that’s fine, but he’s perfectly okay with being in a civil partnership. Well, thinking about all the attention he can get from a wedding probably changed his mind. Right after same-sex marriage became legal in England in March, Elton and David started planning their lavish wedding. The Daily Mail says that Elton and David got married at their estate in Windsor, England this morning. They’ve been posting pictures of the ceremony and reception on Instagram using the cheesy hashtag #ShareTheLove. More like #ShareTheBARF.
The Daily Mail says that Elton and David’s wedding was stuffed full of famous bitches including David Beckham, Posh Beckham, David Walliams, Lara Stone, Elizabeth Hurley, Elizabeth Hurley’s ex-piece Hugh Grant, Lulu and Ed Sheeran. Elton and David’s two sons, 3-year-old Zachary and 23-month-old Elijah, were the ring bearers.
When I first saw the pictures of Elton’s wedding, I thought they were pictures of the wedding rehearsal. It’s so plain and non-opulent for Elton. That table setting looks like the way his table is set for casual breakfast on any given weekday morning. Where are the topless servers passing around crystal goblets full of vintage champagne and canary diamonds while dressed like cherubs? Where are the aerial silk artists who threw silver glitter at the guests from above during the ceremony? I don’t even think Elton wore a special wig. He just wore his regular everyday wig. How dreadful. If Elton John doesn’t get married while wearing a rhinestone-encrusted white silk jumpsuit and a Marie Antoinette wig, did he really get married at all? Please at least tell me that Elton’s main homegirl Rush Limbaugh was the flower girl.
That lady in the front making a “Fuck this shit, where’s the open bar?” face is all of us.
At the St. Rose of Lima Catholic church in East Hanover, NJ yesterday, history was made when an Ewok married a juicehead gorilla. It was a major event for interspecies marriage activists. 27-year-old Snooki married her 27-year-old two-time baby father Jionni LaValle in a Catholic church while wearing white. So that rumble you heard yesterday wasn’t only from your stomach continuing to die a slow death after being filled with Stove Top and gallons of the sweet nectar. That rumble was also the sound of a thousand Catholic abuelitas collapsing to the floor from the ESCANDALOSONESS of it all.
UsWeekly says that the Chilean Ewok’s bridesmaids party included elegant Thundercat JWoww and Danny DeVito impersonator Deena Cortese. Pauly D was also there, but who knows about the other Jersey Shore messes. UsWeekly also says that Snooki wore two gowns, one of which looked like something straight out of Say Fuck No To The Dress. It’s a bridal nightmare that made her look like an Ewok mermaid drowning in a swamp of merengue.
Snooki and Jionni’s reception went down at the Venetian in Garfield, NJ and it was a Great Gatsby theme. I wonder how many times Snooki screamed, “No, you fricken moron, Great Gatsby is that Leonardo DiCaprio movie! It’s not a book!” after someone said to her, “Oh, I didn’t know you were a fan of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s book.” I know, nobody said that to her. We all know she can’t read.
But seriously, who knew that Snooki would turn out to be the normal, stable and semi-sane one from Jersey Shore. It seemed like it was just yesterday when she was pissing on the floor of a bar. Now she’s all grown up and marrying her future ex-husband in front of MTV’s cameras (Snooki can’t take a shit without them, so I’m guessing they were there). Fame whores usually never grow up, so it’s shocking when one does.
And since you can never have too much grace and sophistication in one post, here’s what Snooki’s bridal heels looked like:
There’s really something poetic about Snooki getting married in shoes that look like bedazzled mold.
Father Of The Decade Michael Lohan Got Married To Kate Major And Forgot To Invite Lindsay Lohan And Michael Jr.
After several dramatic messy drunken fight-filled years together, talking butt zit Michael Lohan finally made it legal with Smurfette’s trashy second cousin Kate Major in – where else – the great state of Florida. TMZ says that Michael and his knocked-up bride tied the knot on a beach on October 30th in a private ceremony.
So private, in fact, that the only one of Michael’s six offspring to be invited was Baby Landon (seen above pointing to the new family he’d like to adopted by so he can escape those two human disasters). That’s right! Michael didn’t invite the sole reason he’s still clinging to the ass hairs of relevancy, Lindsay Lohan, or his aspiring app mogul son Michael Jr. He also forgot to invite haunted-looking living ghost Ali, Cody Lohan, or his whoopsie baby Ashley Kaufmann.
TMZ says that the Apricot Ashtray eventually found out that her deadbeat dad got hitched, but she didn’t care. Probably because she knows this is only the first of many weddings. Hell, we all know that it’s only a matter of time before Michael and Kate get into a violent booze-fueled fist fight that ends with Michael calling TMZ and Kate filing for divorce. Then once whichever one of them winds up in jail is released, they’ll speed-dial TMZ to announce that they’re getting remarried. It’s the ciiiiiircle of traaaaash.
And just because I love a good pair of thick acrylic porn star blow job nail tips, here’s Michael’s future second ex-wife showing off her new hardware:
Take a good look, pawn shops of Florida! You’re going to want to have an estimate on hand for when that busted blonde muppet eventually tries to sell it for margarita money.