It’s a sad day in Pinche Putadom. Everyone is poised to pour one out for the loss of their leader, notorious jet-hopping-for-dick forever single serial ho Cameron Diaz at the news that she may be engaged (!!!) to her boyfriend,
Anemic Sunday Comics Pillsbury Doughboy Benji Madden. Of course, liquor is precious and delicious and they’re not stupid so they’ve pressed pause on the pour until they actually see her ass sporting a veil on the cover of People.
Cameron took a day off from preaching pussy gospel (bush is beautiful!! Can I get an amen! No?) to attend the Academy’s Hollywood Costume luncheon in LA on Wednesday, and hos at E! noticed that she had a little sumpin-sumpin shiny on THAT finger, sparking rumors that she was ready to trade her sucia card in for a life of domestic bliss. I’m no expert, but to me that sounds a lot like trading your Miata convertible in on a minivan so I’m not going to ask Cameron to be my financial advisor anytime soon.
It’s hard to believe that Cammy would go from hitting and quitting Justin Timberlake and Alex Rodriguez to settling down with a guy like Benji. I mean, look at him. Dude has to be seriously packing, or maybe he just seems that way to her after humping on Alex’s little roid rod for so long. Or maybe it was the unique ring, which looks suspiciously like a sparkling peen on the verge of plunging into an extra large vagina. Yeah that’s got to be it. That would totally win me over.
Because the universe heard you when you thought to yourself yesterday, “I really haven’t seen or heard enough about George Clooney’s motherfucking wedding,” People, Hello!, The New York Post and Vogue all threw up pictures of Amal Alamuddin’s wedding dress today. I fully expect to see close-up pictures of the food in Food & Wine Magazine, a 35-page profile in Boating Magazine about the boat they rode in, pictures of the custom-made wedding night anal beads they used in Hustler Magazine and an interview in Dog Fancy with the stray dogs in Venice who watched the wedding through a window. It’s only just begun! And you’re probably looking at that cover of People and thinking to yourself, “Tell me more about the Property Brothers at home…”
People and Hello! not only published dozens of pictures, but also a million details. Clooney wore Giorgio Armani, his cufflinks from his bride had his name in Arabic etched into them, Amal wore a custom Oscar de la Renta gown, there were 100 guests from 30 countries, the ugly cake was almost as big as Clooney’s ego, their first dance was to Cole Porter’s “Why Shouldn’t I?“, family friend Nora Sagal sang Irving Berlin’s “Always” and they got married in Italy because they met there. Amal’s mother said a few words to People about the wedding and I’m sure those words were not written by George Clooney’s PR team:
“George and Amal radiated love all night. The wedding was so unbelievably special, it was legendary. These three days – the friends, the families, the atmosphere, everything – will stay with me all the rest of my life.”
Inside Edition says that the wedding cost $13 million. Clooney and Amal got paid for the pictures, of course, and they’re donating the cash to charity.
Also, guests were all given an iPod with Clooney and Amal’s favorite songs on them. More like iBarf. Bono was a guest, so I’m guessing that the bottom of the Grand Canal in Venice is now an iPod graveyard. Because as soon as guests started up their iPods and noticed that U2′s new album was on it, they threw that shit in the water.
After the cut is a picture of AlaLooney on Hello! and Amal at her dress fitting with Oscar de la Renta. Sadly, I didn’t include any pictures of the Property Brothers at home.
At the airport in Venice today, George Clooney, Amal Alamuddin and their famous friends joined hands and bowed as their audience clapped, cheered, threw bouquets of roses at their feet and thanked them for delivering a tour de force OLD HOLLYWOOD GLAMOUR FASHION BOAT EXTRAVAGANZA! Before George and Amal took their final bows and left Italy, they officially got married in a 10 minute-long civil ceremony at Venice’s town hall. As George Clooney put a crack in the earth’s core by becoming a married man, the fame whore, social-climbing gold diggers of the world poured one out for George’s bachelor days and thanked God that Leonardo DiCatchAHo isn’t wearing a wedding ring yet.
Amal (who was dressed up like Bianca Jagger if Bianca Jagger was Carmen Sandiego) and George continued to redefine the meaning of EXTRA when they got on a boat named Amore and waved to their adoring subjects while thinking they’re the most glamorous thing to ever happen to a boat. Newsflash, bitches. The most glamorous thing to ever happen to a boat happened when Nomi Malone danced on one at a Las Vegas boat show in Showgirls. After AlaLooney made it official, they sashayed out of city hall and each spit out one word to reporters. via People
So how does it feel to be married? “Nice!” Clooney, in a gray suit, told waiting fans as he walked out of Ca’Farsetti with Alamuddin, who wore a cream-colored pantsuit and hat. Chimed in the new (Stella McCarney-clad) Mrs. Clooney: “Amazing!”
Asking a trick what it’s like being married ten minutes after they got married is a dumb question, but George’s answer was still funny. Nice! To George Clooney, 10 minutes of marriage probably feels like 10 years of marriage. If you asked him 5 seconds after he got married what married life was like, he’d say, “WONDERFUL!” If you asked him a minute later, he’d say, “GREAT!” And if you asked him 20 minutes later, he’d say, “Eh, you know….”
And now it’s over. Congrats to Clooney! Congrats to Amal! Congrats to Vogue (or People and Hello if you ask Lainey)! Congrats to the Venice Tourism Board! Congrats to the makers of boat fuel! And congrats to us all! I hope the divorce ceremony is as glamorous as this.
I know, even while surrounded by water, George Clooney is still thirsty as hell.
The morning after George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin gave American Vogue its future cover while posing in a photo shoot masquerading as a wedding, they served up some old Hollywood glamour realness as they left the Aman Hotel in Venice, Italy for a post-wedding night brunch this morning. George and Amal flashed their wedding bands and waved at their adoring fans as they rode the S.S. LOOK AT US to the Cipriani Hotel where they had brunch with all the famous people who went to their wedding. George Clooney continued to give us “second tier Cary Grant in To Catch A Thief” by wearing a grey suit and Amal wore a Giambattista Valli Couture dress that was covered with some shit that looked like oozing herp sores made of frosting. Basically, Amal’s dress looked like Parasite Hilton’s wedding cake.
George and Amal will stay in Venice tonight and tomorrow he’ll officially become somebody’s husband for the second time in his 53 years on Earth when he marries Amal in a civil ceremony. I’m sure that civil ceremony will be broadcast live on the Jumbotron in Times Square and afterward, they’ll cruise down the part of the Grand Canal that will be closed off for them and he’ll scream “I’m the King of the World” before kissing Amal on cue in front of the camera crew who’s documenting it all for the PBS “docu-series” about their love.
One of my friends said that George is probably being so public about all of this, because he wants the world to “get to know” Amal and to “get to know” them as a couple, because he wants to be the Democrat Ronald Reagan and is planning to run for public office. That makes sense, because they do need pictures for the slideshow that will play behind them as they dance the first dance as President and First Lady. I’m only for it if George Clooney makes Brad Pitt his Vice-President, because this country needs and deserves a permanently stoned VP. (“Um, excuse you, you uneducated whore, but what do you think national treasure Joe Biden is?!” – you “Good point. – me)
And that’s how you lose $50 in the Dlisted office pool. I bet all my money that George Clooney was going to get up this morning, put on his best hitchin’ suit, start sweating profusely, text “ABORT! ABORT!” to an unlisted number, and wait for a helicopter flown by Leo DiCaprio and a dozen 25-year-old models to rescue him and fly to Bang-A-Ho Island where he can be single forever. But he didn’t do that, and now Michael K is happily skipping to the liquor store to buy $50 worth of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and top-shelf boxed vodka. THANKS GEORGE.
According to Us Weekly, People, and all the middle-aged C’loonies screaming “IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME!!” on Facebook, George Clooney got married to his very fancy human rights lawyer fiancé Amal Alamuddin in Venice, Italy today. The two tied the knot in the 16th century Aman Canal Grande hotel and the ceremony was conducted by the former mayor of Rome, Walter Veltroni. And all of George’s famous friends were there: Matt Damon! Rande Gerber and Cindy Crawford! Emily Blunt! John Krasinski! Kaa from The Jungle Book! Bill Murray! Bono! No word on whether or not Brad Pitt and St. Angie made an appearance, but I’m guessing they were a no-show since I haven’t heard of any 16th century Venetian religious statues of Jesus weeping tears in the past 24-hours.
And now you can begin preparing yourself for the millions of hourly Mr. and Mrs. Amalooney wedding updates we’re bound to receive. Amal wore a dress! George gave a toast! Bono ate the fish and then barfed in the bathroom!
Here’s George and all his famous friends boarding water taxis to take them to the Academy Awards of weddings earlier today:
And she might’ve sucked out his eyeballs too. That’s the way a troll really says “I love you.”
The Daily Mail posted pictures of 28-year-old Mary-Kate Olsen wearing a plain band on her finger instead of the vintage engagement ring she pulled off of a confederate window’s skeletal hand while scavenging through graves like she does most nights. The pictures of MK and her 45-year-old French banker fiancé Olivier Sarkozy were taken a few days ago in the Hamptons. A “well-connected” source tells Lucky Magazine that the sneakiest troll who always asks you the hardest riddles when you try to cross the bridge and The Brain’s human twin ARE married. But another source tells Gossip Cop that MK and Olivier haven’t gotten married yet.
WHO TO BELIEVE?!
I sort of believe Lucky’s “well-connected source” (who is obviously Mary-Kate’s big-mouthed, do-gooder great uncle Ernest J. Keebler) because everyone but George Clooney’s extra ass is getting secret married. Getting secret married is the thing to do. My mouth is getting secret married to a pepperoni Hot Pocket as I type this. But I also believe Gossip Cop’s source. We would know it right away if a Trollsen got married. Every time a shifty troll from the dark part of the Enchanted Forest gets married, their reception has a huge spread full of squirrel nails, brow hair from toddlers and bear teeth. So I won’t believe it until I go outside and see a squirrel with acrylic nails, a toddler with painted on Sharpie brows and Khloe Kardashian adjusting her dentures.
In case you didn’t already know, George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin are the anti-Brangelina and they’re not going to get married in a hush, hush at-home wedding featuring a coloring book dress and a busted, ugly wedding cake made by a child. (May a special place in Hell’s special place open up just for me for saying that, but that cake Pax made was a janky mess. Even Maddox knows this.) MuddiLooney is going to give us SPECTACLE! THEATER! DRAMA! FACE! OLD SCHOOL LIFE MAGAZINE GLAMOUR! Thank God George Clooney isn’t following that “secret wedding” trend and is whoring out his wedding to the masses.
In case you’re wondering, he maybe got secret married to the one on the left; I thought I’d specify, because if you’re anything like me, you heard the words TOM HARDY and MARRIED and secretly hoped it was to a dog. No, according to the Mirror, Tom Hardy (seen here wearing what appears to be a pair of jeans he got from an NSYNC garage sale back in 2003) got secretly married to his girlfriend of 5 years Charlotte Riley over two months ago. Secret weddings – so hot right now!
A source claims the two tied the knot on July 4th at a fancy-ass 18th Century castle in the South of France in front of a small group of friends and family, including Tom’s six-year-old son Louis with actress Rachael Speed. No word on whether their dog Woodstock (seen above, looking all kinds of adorable) took part in the ceremony, but I’ll just assume he was the best man, because imagining a dog in a doggy-tuxedo is a mental picture that always takes me higher.
Charlotte has admitted in the past that she always wanted to get married, but that she would never plan an obnoxiously tacky charade of a wedding like some people, saying: “We are desperate to do it, but I’ll never have a celebrity wedding. It will be low-key, with family and friends.” And it sounds like that’s exactly what they got. A “family source” (aka chatty Aunt Carol) told The Sun:
“It was a beautiful, low-key day made even more special because they just had their closest friends and family around them.Tom’s son Louis played a key role during the ceremony. And they made certain to pick a stunning and private setting. There was nothing flash about the wedding, they always said they wanted it to be about the two of them and their family rather than any grand gesture.”
Oh, Aunt Carol – that gossip-loving trick. Tom and Charlotte try to hold a low-key secret wedding and you run off and spill the beans to the press. You can’t ever trust Aunt Carol! Aunt Carol will un-secret your secret every time! And yet, that loose-lipped bitch still said NOTHING about Woodstock! Goddamn it, Carol, get your shit together! I wanna know about Woodstock! Did he get so drunk at the reception that he tried to hump the priest’s leg? Come on Carol, spill it!
Even though George Clooney has enough money to fly to Uranus, buy 4 aliens, bring them back to Earth, fill a 24-karat gold Olympic-sized swimming pool with Dom Perignon, and challenge them to a relay race against 3 rare white tigers and Michael Phelps every week for the rest of his life (that’s the kind of crazy shit rich-as-fuck people do, right?), Us Weekly says he won’t be spending a dime on his wedding to Amal Alamuddin.
A source claims that Amal’s family is keeping shit traditional and will pay for most of George Clooney’s Italian Wedding Showbiz Spectacular when it happens later this month, although according to Gossip Cop, that source is a lie-teller and George is paying for the whole thing. Regardless, I like to think Amal’s parents offered to pay because they truly believe their daughter is marrying just some sitcom actor. “It’s okay George, we’ve got this; we know you haven’t done much since Roseanne.”
This reminds me of a wedding I went to where the groom’s family agreed to pay for an open bar if the bride’s family paid for everything else. Cut to the reception where everyone is drinking champagne flutes filled with sparkling air because those cheap bastards spent a total of $50 of booze. Like, 2 cases of beer, a bottle of off-brand “vodka-style” alcohol, and a box of wine. It was a joke! That shit was done before the second chorus of “Mony Mony.” Not to mention that the groom’s family were all a bunch of food-hungry maniacs who just destroyed the buffet. By the time my table was called, all that was left was a dry corner of lasagna and a malnourished chicken wing, because they ran out of food. It was inevitable! The bride’s family was broke and practically had to sell the damn farm in order to afford to feed everyone! And yes, this wedding took place in a community center and most of the guests wore cut-off shorts. How did you know?
So I guess what I’m saying is, I hope Clooney slips his future mother and father-in-law a couple private jets or their own island to thank them for agreeing to pay for the wedding, because you know they’re spending A LOT. The budget for Brad Pitt’s personal make-your-own sundae bar alone is probably close to $4,000 (“George! Make sure they get a case of Fritos, man!“)
The humanized BEHR Premium Plus paint sample (in color: Basic Khaki) known as LC from The Hills and Laguna Beach got married in CA on Saturday and Cheyenne Jackson married future ex-husband #2 in Encino, CA, but the weekend’s biggest celebrity wedding happened in Italy. One of George Clooney’s former awards season escorts Elisabetta Canalis (or “Who?” as George Clooney calls her) married American orthopedic surgeon Brian Perri in Sardinia, Italy today. That’s George Clooney’s cue to scrap all plans for his stupid wedding in Italy, because the superstar Italian wedding of the century happened today and it can’t be topped.
While looking like everyone’s first communion threw up on her, Elisabetta became somebody’s wife at a cathedral in the town of Alghero. A source told UsWeekly (no, they didn’t) that guests nearly swooned out of their chonies when Brian said to his future wife, “I promise to love and honor you and not totally judge you for fucking Steve-O for relevancy.“ Elisabetta Canalis is a true inspiration. When Steve-O dumped her ass, I figured her twat would respond by dragging her body to the nearest convent where it’d declare celibacy for the rest of eternity, because how in the hell do you recover after getting rejected by Steve-O?! But Elisabetta dusted the embarrassment off of her chocha and kept on hustling until she became a doctor’s wife.
So now that two (Elisabetta and Stacy Keibler) of Clooney’s Magnificent Three are married, that leaves my favorite and the original Sarah Larson. I hope that on Clooney’s wedding day, Sarah Larson snatches all the spotlights away from him by eloping in Laughlin, NV. Clooney thinks that every tabloid cover will belong to him, but if the way more relevant Sarah Larson got married on the same day, he’d be lucky to get a blurb on the back page of the PennySaver.