Speaking of has-been weddings…
Sorry, Brangelina, but your plan to takeover this week’s tabloid coverage with your stupid wedding has been foiled! Because a much more high-profile and anticipated wedding happened this weekend. Renowned medical scientist Jenny McCarthy married Donnie Wahlberg at the Hotel Baker in St. Charles, Illinois yesterday. They’ve been dating for about a year, which is about how long Donnie has been suffering from the brain hemorrhage that causes him to make fucked-up decisions like marrying that crazy wreck. E! News says that 41-year-old Jenny married 45-year-old Donnie in front of zero guests, because just like Marky Mark, they all had better things to do and who really wants to watch a New Kid fall all the way from grace into a puddle of wet bat shit by marrying Jenny McCarthy? That shit’s just depressing and will ruin anybody’s Labor Day weekend.
No, apparently, Jenny’s fellow The View refugee Sherri Shepherd and the New Kids were there. This is the second marriage for both of them.
Jenny wore an exquisitely demure wedding gown that probably made the officiant say, “Do you TITS take this New Kid to be…,” (E! has a picture of her bridal tits) and as she walked down the aisle, she was serenaded by the cries of the ghosts of the children who died because their stupid parents listened to Jenny McCarthy.
Jenny and Donnie had a Labor Day Weekend wedding, so are we guessing that they’re going to have a National Nut Day annulment or are we going to be really generous and guess that they’ll have a Thanksgiving Day divorce? Or maybe it’ll end when Donnie is shuffled off to the mental hospital after stabbing his ears out after listening to the 900 millionth stream of cold shit coming out of Jenny’s mouth. But then again, he grew up with Marky Mark and has sang, “oh, oh, oh, oh, ooooh,” at least one billion times, so he can take almost any kind of torture.
First, Ashlee Simpson and Evan Ross got married and then Jenny McCarthy and Donnie Wahlberg. It’s truly been an all-star A-list wedding weekend! Next up, I’ll tell you about the wedding between a chick who was almost on The Bachelor and a guy who was in the background during a scene on Vanderpump Rules.
And here’s some crystal clear, hi-res pictures of Jenny in her wedding dress.
Yesterday in Greenwich, CT, a trick who is only semi-famous because of her sister married a trick who is only semi-famous because of his mom. 29-year-old Ashlee Simpson made 26-year-old Evan Ross her second husband at his mom’s estate. I figured that Diana Ross would pull a stage 10 Marky Mark and not show up to the wedding, because she had to meet with her lawyers to fast-track papers legally emancipating herself from Evan Ross for dragging her into that crazy family. But Diana Ross was there and she planned the whole wedding and performed. Miss Ross has gone insane.
UsWeekly says that Asshole wore a pearl-embellished, long-sleeved wedding gown and $750,000 worth of Neil Lane jooree including a tiara. Nobody really cared what Ashlee was wearing, because they were too busy gasping at the pretty-faced beauty of Evan Ross and the bow tie-shaped pube bush on his chin. Jessica Simpson was Ashlee’s matron of honor and her kids, Maxwell and Ace, were the flower girl and ring bearer. After the ceremony, Ashlee cut the cake with her chin and Diana Ross performed. Diana Ross performing at her son’s wedding reception makes sense, because: a) she’s Diana Ross and performing is her OXYGEN and; b) the more time she spent at the mic meant the less chances Ashlee had to get up on stage to “sing” to her groom.
UsWeekly has zero details about the only Simpson we care about: PAPA JOE! Bronx Mowgli walked Ashlee down the aisle, not Papa Joe. Ashlee is such a transparent bitch. I see what she did there. Ashlee knew that if Papa Joe walked her down the aisle, his glamorous ensemble (an ivory leather suit, a white fishnet tank, silver alligator sandals and a rhinestone headband) would take all the attention away from her who cares ass and Evan would want to marry Papa Joe instead and then the Ross family fortune would never be hers! It’s the only smart decision Ashlee has ever made.
And here’s pictures of Diana Ross looking like an exploding Muppet tampon while performing last year. I’m choosing to believe that this is what she wore to the ceremony.
Every religion issued a joint statement today saying that August 23rd is now the holiest holiday of the year (Sorry, Christmas! Sorry, Yom Kippur! Sorry, Eid al-Fitr! Sorry, Bea Arthur’s birthday!), because the holiest couple in history became husband and wife in the holiest union of the century and everybody who witnessed that blessed event has been declared a saint (“Um, but I was declared a saint as soon as I was pulled out of my mom’s bony snatch.” – Shiloh). But one trick who wasn’t declared a saint was Jon Voight, because Jon Voight wasn’t there and he found out about it when we all did. Jon Voight was being interviewed by Inside Edition this morning and the reporter talking to him told him the news that his daughter married her third husband and the only thing he had to say was, “That’s nice.” You know your daughter hates you more than she hates wearing a color that’s not black or beige when you find out about her wedding from an Inside Edition reporter. Not even Entertainment Tonight! Inside Edition!
If you were praying to God on Saturday for whatever reason and wondering why it felt like nobody was on the other line, it’s because God was doing better things. God was busy giving away his successor at her wedding. AP spit this out on Twitter this morning:
Okay, God and all the saints didn’t walk St. Angie down the aisle, but Maddox and Pax did, which is the next best thing. Here’s the only details we know so far. I’m sure new details will be printed into the newest edition of the Bible and the pictures will appear in stained glass form on the windows of Notre-Dame Cathedral:
Jolie and Pitt wed Saturday in a small chapel in a private ceremony attended by family and friends. In advance of the nondenominational civil ceremony, Pitt and Jolie also obtained a marriage license from a local California judge. The judge also conducted the ceremony in France.
The couple’s children took part in the wedding. Jolie walked the aisle with her eldest sons Maddox and Pax. Zahara and Vivienne threw petals. Shiloh and Knox served as ring bearers, the spokesman says.
Brad Pitt said a million years ago that he and St. Angie wouldn’t get married until everyone could get married. This means that gay marriage must be legal EVERYWHERE. Thank you, Brangelina! Thank you!
George Clooney Has Invited Anna Wintour To His Wedding, Which Means It Will Probably Be Featured In Vogue
Raise your hand if you just pictured a stoned Brad Pitt with pieces of wedding cake mashed into his beard elbowing a feminine-looking Montgomery Burns out of the better spot to catch the bouquet. Just me? Okay then.
According to Page Six, Anna Wintour will be a guest at the wedding between fancy human rights lawyer-type Amal Alamuddin and the nipple suit-wearing Batman George Clooney in Italy next month. A source claims that Anna got an invite because she hooked up Amal with a custom gown by Anna’s close friend Oscar de la Renta, and that she plans to feature the wedding in an upcoming issue of Vogue. Oooooh! Sounds like someone is desperately trying to crawl back out of the shame pit she threw herself in when she put the Cheap & Tacky Twins on the cover back in April. Too bad, Kaa from The Jungle Book, but the internet NEVER FORGETS.
The source also says that Anna will 100% be there to watch George and Amal cut the cake and drunk dance to YMCA while an obnoxious Craigslist DJ named MC Sweet Jamz screams into a mic “COME ON GRANDMA RUTH, GET YOUR ASS ON THE DANCE FLOOR!” (I wish – that’s more like the wedding of George Clooney and Sarah Larson) even though the wedding will take place in the middle of all the fancy European fashion shows. That’s how committed she is to making it up to him for the time she put George on the June 2000 cover with Gisele Bundchen looking like a cheesy prom photo from Mermaid High.
And speaking of Sarah Larson…do you think if George wasn’t marrying such a posh lady, he’d still get a spread in Vogue? You’re right, of course he wouldn’t; the pages of Vogue wouldn’t be able to handle all the refined taste and class that comes from a photo shot by Annie Leibovitz of that hot skanky mess Elisabetta Canalis in a white lace bridal bikini, trying to remove her own garter with her teeth.
Star says that on June 7th, Vincent Kartheiser and Alexis Bledel got married at some fancy resort in Ojai, CA (probably the Ojai Valley Inn & Spa where EVERY celebrity gets married when the San Ysidro Ranch is booked) and on their wedding night they awkwardly fucked on the rug in their room as Emily Gilmore pounded on the door and screamed at Rory for not inviting her to the secret wedding. A source tells Star that Jon Hamm, the Hammaconda and Matthew Weiner were guests at Rory and Pete’s wedding and Rory wore a dress:
“Alexis looked breathtaking. She wore a floor-length gown, and her hair was up. Vincent wore a gray suit and teared up when Alexis walked down the aisle.”
A rep confirmed the wedding to Gossip Cop. Vincent and Alexis met when she played the married trick who has an affair with Pete Campbell on Mad Men. They got engaged last year.
1. I really hope that Vincent had a shaved hairline on his wedding day, because if you’re going to marry Pete Campbell, you should only marry him when his hair looks like Friar Tuck with failed plugs.
3. May they have a hundred blinding white vampire alien babies with foreheads that go on forever.
Australian songwriter and nightingale Sia, who has more talent in one of her ass veins than most of the pop whores she writes songs for and who is currently terrorizing my ear tunnels with the emotional Lamps Plus jingle “Chanda-leeeeer-here,” became a wife on Saturday when she married her Peter Sarsgaard-looking ass man Erik Anders. Radar says that this was the “fast cummer’ of engagements, because Sia and Erik Anders, who makes documentaries, only got engaged two months ago. I really need to keep up with the news about Sia’s personal life, because the dried mash of rotten bologna and weed buds I call a brain thought she was still clit wrestling with JD Sampson from Le Tigre.
UsWeekly says that Sia and Erik got married in the backyard of her house in Palm Springs, CA. Sources say (no, they didn’t) that since Sia has the shys in a big way, Lena Dunham played her and an actor from central casting played Erik during the ceremony in front of guests and Sia and Erik actually got married in a darkened, closed-off room where she had her back to the pastor the entire time. Sia hasn’t confirmed this shit yet, but she sort of confirmed it on Saturday when she tweeted this:
Omg omg I'm so excited
— sia (@Sia) August 2, 2014
But was she so excited that she swung from the chanda-leeeeeeeeeeer-here?
And I wish I was making this part up, but Radar also says that Terry Richardson shot her wedding pictures.
Sia has said and done a lot of crazy things (examples: saying that the good shit gave her bi-polar and siccing her Twitter followers on a dry cleaner who screwed up her clothes), but nothing is crazier than saying, “I want Uncle Terry to shoot my wedding pictures,” and then actually going through with it.
Instead of the guests throwing rice at Sia and her husband, Uncle Terry stood on a ladder and came all over them. And during their first dance, they were serenaded by the loud cries of their guests who watched Uncle Terry fuck the cake while doing himself with a string of anal beads made out of Jordan almonds. Well, I guess every wedding needs a creepy, pervy uncle who jacks off through a hole in his pocket while watching the bridesmaids sashay down the aisle. But seriously, if Sia really wanted her wedding pictures to be out of focus and a mess, she should’ve gotten a strung out, brain dead salamander with shanky hands to take them with a waterlogged disposable camera. It would’ve been cheaper and I don’t think the salamander would’ve came in the plastic swans on the table. I think.
Here’s Sia and her new husband at some event in NYC in June.
UsWeekly says that on Saturday afternoon, Larry’s ex-wife from Curb Your Enthusiasm (or that hot ho Dallas Royce from Suburgatory) Cheryl Hines became every basic bitches dream by marrying into American royalty when she wed her boyfriend of 2-and-a-half years Robert F. Kennedy Jr. at the Kennedy Compound in Hyannisport. Cut to Taylor Swift weeping sad tears into a pile of high-waisted retro bikini bottoms because a showbiz blonde married into the Kennedy family and it wasn’t her. Don’t worry Taylor, there are plenty of Kennedys left (there are so many damn Kennedys).
Cheryl, who looks like she walked down the aisle in mid-90s prom hair and a wedding dress covered in Orbitz bubbles, was joined by 300 guests, which included all those damn Kennedys, Larry David, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Kevin Nealon, Elton from Clueless, Ed Begley Jr., and Natasha Bedingfield. The only person missing was Susie Essman, but she probably couldn’t make it to that carwash cunt’s wedding because she had a dental appointment. This is Cheryl’s second marriage and RFK Jr.’s third.
Weddings bring out the weepy-eyed pre-menopausal aunt in me, so I’m very happy that two rich people managed to find love. But RFK Jr. is allegedly a Joey Greco-level cheater, which means there’s a pretty good chance Cheryl will someday stroll past Grey Gardens and catch Robert fucking his side piece in a dusty pile of old fur coats. What I’m saying is, I wish Cheryl and Robert nothing but the best and many years of happiness and bla bla bla, but I really hope she didn’t sign a pre-nup. Get that Kennedy cash, bitch!
The Look Or Not The Look: Piper Perabo’s Lizard Skin Wedding Dress And Her Husband’s Three-Piece Canadian Tuxedo
File under: “Girl You So Different And Edgy” and cross-file under: “Names Your Brain Hasn’t Thought About Since 2000.”
Piper Perabo, a member (along with Teri Polo and Leslie Bibb) of the All White Blonde Actresses Look The Same Club of the early 2000s and star of Coyote Ugly, Beverly Hills Chihuahua and Covert Affairs, got married to director, producer and Teri Snatcher’s ex Stephen Kay at the Merchant’s House Museum in NYC on Saturday afternoon. Apparently, Piper and Stephen were going for a New Orleans theme, so a band from New Orleans played them off as they walked out of the museum after getting married. Err, Piper Perabo’s idea of a New Orleans-style wedding is totally different than my idea of a New Orleans-style wedding. My idea of a New Orleans-style wedding is getting married by newlywed, flower of New Orleans and former HSOTD Ashley the Traffic Tranny in a sea of twerkers led by Big Freedia as New Orleans own Richard Simmons throws uncooked Zatarain’s on you. But that’s just me.
Piper Perabo’s idea of a New Orleans-themed wedding also includes wearing a dress that looks like a trout’s herpes breakout. Piper Perabo shit on the idea of a generic, boring, white wedding dress and instead wore some silver shit with a gold veil and her new husband wore a raggedy, busted, bought-at-the-Goodwill homeless dude suit that I’m telling myself was made out of denim. Piper and Stephen look like a mermaid with mercury poisoning who almost drowned after getting tangled in a bunch of dead seaweed and was rescued by a former hipster hobo who now works as an accountant for Burning Man. What I’m trying to say is, this IS the look.
And I really hope the band paid homage to Piper Perabo’s roots by playing Can’t Fight The Moonlight at her reception:
Remember when Falkor looked human-esque?
If you need more of the beaver pube patch on Stephen Kay’s chin, here it is at LAX last year.
A strange thing happened in Mexico yesterday. Adam Levine didn’t pick up one of his fiancee’s bridesmaids, do her in the bathroom and leave Behati Prinsloo on the altar before texting her these words, “Sorry, babe, found new coochie.” Adam Levine actually went through with it and married Victoria’s Secret model Behati Prinsloo at Flora Farms in Los Cabos, Mexico. Well, I guess Adam feels like the divorce rates aren’t high enough, so he’s doing his part to change that.
After being engaged for a year, the 35-year-old douche bottle full of lukewarm smugness married the 24-year-old South African panties model in front of 300 guests including Robert Downey Jr., Jonah Hill, Jason Segel, Coco Rocha, Candice Swanepoel and his Maroon 5 bandmates. ROBERT DOWNEY JR.?!!!! I know RDJ has been sober for a billion years, but reading about him being a guest at Adam Levine’s wedding makes me want to ask him, “Bitch, are you snorting up the bad shit again?” UsWeekly says that Behati’s bridesmaids were mostly Victoria’s Secret models, because Adam wanted a potential rebound close by in case he got cold feet. Behati wore a dress made for her by Marchesa and she and Adam asked their guests to give a donation to The Children’s Hospital of Los Angeles instead of giving them an ice cream maker they’ll never use. E! News has more riveting details:
Wedding festivities began Friday night, when 100 guests were shuttled from their hotel to El Dorado for a party on the beach that was set up in front of Mike Meldman’s home, a source told E! News exclusively.
Casually dressed attendees mingled at a large bar and relaxed with margaritas and wine. There was also lounge furniture situated on the beach, along with small tee pees for additional seating. Tables were adorned with red flowers, and once it got dark, candles and white twinkle lights were glowing.
But more importantly, Stevie Nicks was there as a “special guest” and she performed. The answer to the question, “WHY, STEVIE, FOR WHY???“, is probably, “Because she’s a mentor on The Voice and friends with Adam.” But if the real answer is, “Because she needs a check and that mortgage payment on her vacation house is due,” then Stevie should know that if she ever needs cash, she should just beg her fans for some on Kickstarter. It’s less embarrassing than performing at Adam Levine’s first pre-divorce ceremony.
But bitterness aside, congratulations to Adam Levine on getting his first wife, congratulations to divorce lawyers in the L.A. area who might have a new client in the near future and congratulations to Behati Prinsloo who I’m hoping married his ass without a prenup. And a pre-congratulations to the Instagram model who will one day soon make a quick dollar from The National Enquirer when she sells the pictures of Adam’s peen that he texted her before they boned in his dressing room at The Voice. Congratulations to them all!
IMPORTANT UPDATE THAT I’M SURE YOU CARE ABOUT: Here’s some pictures of Nina Agdal, the piece that Adam Levine dumped through a text message after he got engaged to Behati, crying onto the shoulder of some hot piece in Miami on Adam’s wedding day.