Thousands of children have been told by their 30-something mothers to go and play in the street or whatever, because mommy needs a little “me time” and by that she means she needs to scream and bawl out the words, “IT SHOULD’VE BEEN MEEEEEEEE,” while doing the endless wall slide of woe. Because the youngest Backstreet Boy Nick Carter got married yesterday in Santa Barbara, CA. I’m not one of those hos crying about this shit, because I was never into the Backstreet Boys and if I was, I’d get the tingles for Kevin Richardson. I wouldn’t turn down a chance to suck off those brows.
Anyway, People says that 34-year-old Nick married fitness expert/actress (nothing is more L.A. than a fitness expert/actress) Lauren Kitt in front of 100 guests, including 2 of the Backstreet Boys, at the Bacarat Resort. Nothing says “wedded bliss” like a groom making a “the fuck did I just do?” face while his bride smiles at the camera. Nick and Lauren bumped fuck parts full-time for a while before they got engaged last year. Because Nick would rather Vh1 pay for his fancy wedding to a chick he might only be married to for a quick second, the whole thing was shot for a reality show, which will start airing sometime this year.
Sadly, the best Carter, Aaron Carter, wasn’t at his brother’s wedding. Aaron cannot turn down a check, so he performed at the Cherry Blossom parade in DC and he didn’t make it back to California in time because the plane had mechanical problems. Damn you, Spirit Airlines! Aaron’s rep (yes, he has on those) said this:
“Aaron signed a contract to appear at the Cherry Blossom parade in D.C. before Nick’s wedding date was announced. [We] realized there was a problem and figured out he could perform and get him to Santa Barbara so he would be there for the last two hours of the reception. Tickets were purchased and the plan was in place. It was a major operation to get him there in time. Aaron didn’t blow anything off and would have been there – it’s a real bummer for him. He feels bad he missed the wedding.”
Nick Carter is an asshole for not canceling his wedding. How can he get married without his former partner in meth, his brother, next to him? How can he dance with his new wife without his brother next to them dancing with a Hilary Duff cardboard cutout? I bet the Hilary Duff cardboard cutout was finally going to put out last night too. Poor Aaron.
Master beard pruner Tom Ford and his journalist partner Richard Buckley have been together for 27 years (which is 1,387 years in gay years and UNNATURALLY IMPOSSIBLE in Goop years) and they went through Richard’s fight against throat cancer together and they became daddies 2 years ago, but I guess they figured that they had a good run and it’s time for them to ruin their relationship by getting married. Start the conscious uncoupling clock! During a talk at one of the Apple Stores in London last night, Tom Ford casually slipped in (yes, I got the puckers while typing that) the news that he’s a married man now.
“I lost so many friends in college – I would say more than half of my closest friends. Richard, my partner of 27 years, had also gone through something also quite tough in his life. We are now married which is nice. I know that was just made legal in the UK which is great; we were married in the States.”
You probably didn’t read any of those words since you were too busy brushing your eyeballs against the manicured edges of Tom Ford’s sharp-as-fuck beard.
I need to update my wet dream fantasies now. Because in my wet dream fantasies, while Tom and I are lying on black silk sheets on his circular bed under a mirrored ceiling, he sips bourbon from a crystal goblet as I meticulously trim his nipple hairs with tiny baby scissors and when I’m done with that he puts on his tux and tells me he’s late for his hourly beard pruning appointment. That’s how it usually ends. But now it’ll end with him putting on his gold wedding ring before telling me he has to leave before his husband suspects anything. This is good, because my Tom Ford wet dream fantasy was getting a little boring. Me being his side piece slut is really going to spice my Tom Ford wet dream fantasy up! (Yes, I hug my pillow and cry myself to sleep every night.)
Here’s Tom, his husband their kid Alexander at LAX last month.
Because the divorce rate in America isn’t going to raise on its damn own, two Real Housewives (well, technically, one Real Housewife and one displaced Real Housewives refugee) started their journey to divorce (served in a terrine of bitterness) yesterday by getting married. Kandi Burruss of Xscape and The Real Housewives of Atlanta married gold digging opportunist (copyright: Mama Joyce) Todd Tucker in Atlanta and the malnourished llama Taylor Armstrong, formerly of The Real PlasticWives of Beverly Hills, earned another gold digging medal of achievement when she married lawyer John Bluher (which is what a free clinic doctor writes next to “reason” on the medical file of a trick who came in with pus-filled warts all over her coochie lips after John Mayer gave her oral).
CNN says that Kandi married her boyfriend of a few years Todd Tucker after being engaged to him for a year. (Side note: Before you say, “The hell why is CNN covering this?“, be thankful that at least they’re covering this instead of recreating the Malaysia Airlines flight with Micro Machines.) Reality Tea says that as far as they know, only Porsha Stewart and Phaedra Parks were at the wedding. I guess Mama Joyce didn’t bum rush Todd and tackle him to the floor when the officiant asked if anyone objected. I’m sure Mama Joyce was truly happy for Kandi and while her daughter danced with Todd, she serenaded them with her muffled screams while she was tied down to a chair with a napkin stuffed in her mouth. I can’t wait to see that beautiful and touching moment when Bravo eventually airs it.
And in California, Taylor Armstrong made porny-named John Bluher her second husband during a ceremony at the Bel Air Bay Club in the Pacific Palisades. UsWeekly says that 120 guests including the morally corrupt Faye Resnick, Kyle Richards and Lisa Vanderpump watched as Taylor’s baboon butt lips attacked her new husband’s mouth after they were married. Taylor and John met in 2011 when she hired him after her estranged husband Russell Armstrong killed himself. So out of tragedy came a shameless book and a new husband. You go, Taylor, I guess.
Taylor’s wedding was planned by David Tutera and cameras were present, so I’m assuming it’s going to be on My Fair Wedding. I couldn’t find any pictures of David Tutera, but that’s probably because he was tending to more important behind-the-scene details like fucking a man hooker in the bathroom.
And now here’s something for us 80s whores, Danny Pintauro, who played Jonathan Bower on Who’s The Boss? and later found his nuts and taint smeared all over the (NSFW) internet, got married to his man Wil Tabares on the beach in Dana Point, CA yesterday. Danny and Wil live in Nevada where marriage isn’t legal for everyone, so they got became husband and husband in California. After 38-year-old Danny became somebody’s husband, he said this to UsWeekly:
“Everything went off without a hitch. The wedding was terrific and everyone was so happy to be there. We had fun! We went into it with no stress or worries or cares, except to have a good time.”
I’m sure Danny and Wil’s wedding was perfect for them and all that shit, but it would’ve been the wedding of the millennium and one hundred percent perfect if the following happened:
1. Judith Light and Tony Danza walked him down the sand aisle together.
2. Cujo sashayed down the aisle as the ring bearer.
3. Danny painted groom brows on his face before getting married. That could’ve been his something new. How the hell are you going to get married without brows?
4. Katherine Helmond officiated the wedding and opened the ceremony by reciting the lyrics to this inspiring and poetic masterpiece:
There were times I lost a dream or two and one of those times was when Mona DID NOT officiate Jonathan’s wedding.
People says that somewhere in California yesterday, 40-year-old Sara Gilbert (Side note: Yes, a single white hair grows out of your ass lips when you read the words “39-year-old Sara Gilbert.” It’s a natural reaction) started on the road to wedded misery with the chick from 4 Non Blondes. All together now: And I say haaaaaaaaaaaaaaay-yaaaay-yaaay-yay-yay-haaaaaay-yaaay-yaaay, I say, hay, congrats, bitches!
Darlene Conner and 49-year-old Linda Perry starting bumpin’ ‘ginas full-time around 3 years ago after Darlene got out of a really long relationship. Linda proposed to Darlene last year. UsWeekly says that Juliette Lewis was at their wedding, but other than that, there’s no other details and I know that’s making you prop up your eyelids with toothpicks, because you can’t close them without knowing every detail about Darlene Conner’s wedding. So let’s just assume that Becky #1 and #2 were her bridesmaids, her something borrowed was a tuxedo made out of Roseanne’s chicken shirt, Dan walked her down the aisle while wearing his baby blue bathrobe and DJ watched it all from the children’s table where he belongs. Afterward, Sara Gilbert gave a special toast to Johnny Galecki for making her wedding possible by turning her into a lesbian with his gayelle-turning lips a million years ago.
And here’s Sara and Linda a couple of weeks ago at an event for L.A.’s Gay and Lesbian Center. Sara did good, because Linda Perry looks like the spawn of Freddy Krueger and a cholo Gelfling and that IS the look.
Last night in England at the stroke of midnight, the term “same-sex civil partnerships” was taken out back and given the Old Yeller treatment, and replaced by the word “marriage”, which means that everyone in the land of crumpets and corgis can legally choose to be a husband or a wife! And Elton John’s piece David Furnish has told Attitude (via the Mirror) that you can start dusting off your Flying Spaghetti Monster hat, because they’re planning to be one of the first couples to re-run down the aisle. Elton and David Furnish have been together longer than forever, and were able to make it legal in 2005, but only as “partners” (a word both of them turn their noses up at). So they’re both super-dupes excited that they can now officially become husband and husband:
“Elton and I will marry – as a high-profile couple, we feel it is our duty to do it, to make sure that everyone knows that this is something that many gay men living in this country never dreamed would happen. Elton and I both think there is a massive difference between calling someone your partner and calling them your husband. Partner is such an impersonal word and doesn’t adequately describe the love we have for each other.”
My deepest condolences go out to Prince William and Duchess Kate; I’m sure they thought their wedding would go down in history as one of the most important British weddings of the 21st century, but they can’t compete with the eleganza of Elton John. Elton and David did the low-profile courthouse thing to celebrate their partnership the first time around, but now that they’re officially allowed to call it a marriage, you can’t tell me Elton and David aren’t going to go balls-to-the-Versace-covered-walls. There will be doves. There will be a dozen white pianos. There will be a goddamned lion singing Can You Feel The Love Tonight at the reception. If there’s ever been a time for Elton to take this beautiful mess out of retirement, it’s now.
That Cake Wreck cake looks like it was decorated by a strung out junkie with shaky hands before it was loaded onto the back of an El Camino and driven 10 miles on a bumpy dirt road to the venue. It’s the cake version of Brit Brit’s weave. But I still would.
After being engaged to 31-year-old “business man” Jamie Watson for about a year, 22-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears got married to him last night in New Orleans. Yes, Jamie Lynn, the daughter of Jamie and Lynn Spears, got married to a Jamie. If the Jamies have a kid together (which they will since what else do they have to do?), they’ll probably name it Jamie Lynn Jamie Jamie Jamie. Those Spears whores keep trying hard to own the name Jamie, but the only Jamie that will ever matter is Jamie from Small Wonder.
E! News says that Jamie Lynn and Jamie’s wedding and reception went down at the Audubon Tea Room. Jamie Lynn’s 4-year-old daughter Maddie was the flower girl and Brit Brit’s boys Jayden and SPF were the ringbearers. As for Our Lady of Cheetos who should get all the credit for Jamie Lynn’s country wedding since her ass probably paid for all it, she spent the entire reception eating Jordan almonds and playing Kirby’s Dream Land on her pink Nintendo 3DS under a table somewhere.
So far, I’m disappointed by Jamie Lynn’s wedding. This is not a Spears wedding. Where is the bouquet made of torn apart Natty Light cans? Where is the 9-month baby bump under the bride’s white dress? Where is the buffet table with fine gourmet dishes like Cheetos and possum casserole and Slim Jim and raccoon stew on it? Where is the shopping cart grill with snake burgers cooking on it? Why aren’t the guests holding long-stemmed Big Gulp cups full of the homemade hillbilly wine that Daddy Spears made in a big plastic trash can in his backyard? There was none of that, but this happened:
Usually when a bride wears UGGs to her wedding, the ceremony is immediately declared a Satanic ritual. But UGGs are practically a Spears family heirloom, so I’ll let it slide.
Pics: Breathe Heavy
I’ll wait here as you rinse away the class that oozed out of that picture and splashed onto your eyeballs. That looks like one of the rejected ideas for the Kardashian Khristmas Kard.
Around this time last year, the word “marriage” wasn’t allowed to leap off of Stacy Keibler’s tongue and if she happened to accidentally burp it out during a conversation, George Clooney’s HR department would write her up and 5% was deducted from her future exit settlement. Well, 8 months after George Clooney’s ho wrangler let her know that her services as his award season escort were no longer needed, Stacy did the “m” word in Mexico. Stacy tells People that yesterday in Mexico, she did the thing that George Clooney will probably never do again. Actually, she did two things George Clooney will probably never do again. She got married and she fucked someone her own age. 34-year-old Stacy married 39-year-old California businessman Jared Pobre (Spanish to English translation: Jared Poor) after knowing his ass for 5 years and dating his ass for 6 or 7 months. Stacy released this dry heave-inducing sticky sweet statement which reads like it was put together using words found inside of anniversary greeting cards at Target.
“My happiness is indescribable! Marriage is the ultimate bond of love and friendship. It means putting all your faith and trust into a person that you can’t help but believe is your soul mate. Someone who has all of your best interests at heart; someone handpicked for you, to help you grow and be the best person that you can be. Jared is all of this for me.
We both felt strongly that our ‘love day’ should be intimately special, and that’s exactly what it was. It was a blend of romance, tranquility, natural beauty, bonding and overwhelming love.”
If I ever need to barf out of my eye sockets, I’ll just read that statement again.
Marrying a trick after boning full-time for only 6 months summons a side-eye out of me, but Stacy could’ve done worse. Despite his last name, dude is rich and he looks like he could win second place in a David Bromstad look-alike contest. So get that Color Splash dick and get that money, Stacy.
And I guess this means that Stacy can officially leave George Clooney’s House for Wayward Hos. Sarah Larson and Elisabetta Canalis will pour one out (read: pour a body shot on their stomach and let a frat boy slurp it up) for you, Stacy.
Well it looks like the story of Katy Perry’s not-an-engagement ring has a happy ending after all; he can go ahead and cancel his welfare cheques because Katy’s friend Allison Williams has graciously given him a job! According to People, Girls actress and Brian Williams’s daughter, Allison Williams, is the most recent recipient of that stack of dog-eared bridal magazines her cousin refuses to recycle (we all have that cousin) after she was presented with an engagement ring by her boyfriend of three years, College Humor co-founder Ricky Van Veens. There’s no word on wedding plans yet, except that precautions are already being taken to prevent Ricky’s good friend John Mayer from trying to fuck everything with a face at the reception.
Allison has previously said that she’s one of those types who would trade Emmy gowns for Bubble Guppies marathons, so let’s all cross our fingers that she’s not as insufferably uptight as her character on Girls and Ricky’s Van Peen is able to knock her up asap, forcing Lena Dunham to replace her with the best Girls character ever created: BLERTA!
What is it with super-secret weddings? They’re so hot right now! In the event you’re planning a wedding and you don’t know what’s trendy, just remember:
IN – Super-secret weddings!!!!
OUT – Giving your family and friends the heads-up that you’re getting married (ew, suh tacky)
The rest is all arbitrary: pick a cake, have an open bar to prevent your family from hating you forever, post a picture to Instagram and wait for the ‘likes’ to roll in. Or just skip the last part and let your ex-husband announce it on Twitter, like Kimora Lee Simmons did.
After reading a rumor online that Kimora was dating rapper and possible oil tycoon Birdman, Russell Simmons proved he has the heart of a yoga turtle and bravely cleared her good name (for real, read that super-embarrasing shit about Birdman’s oil company) on Twitter by letting everyone know she’s been off the market for a while:
— Russell Simmons (@UncleRUSH) February 19, 2014
I know, official RIP to Djimora Lee Simsou. As it turns out, shortly after their split, Kimora hooked up with investment banker Tim Leissner. Gareth from The Office face with an investment banker booty? You don’t say. You’ve got to hand it to Kimora; bitch takes a great mugshot and runs a tight gold digger game. Get it bitch! I hope your super-secret wedding also involved a super-secret pre-nup (Shhh…it doesn’t exist! Yaaaay). Congrats to you Kimora Lee Simmons Leissner! I’d say Mazel Tov, but it looks like this situation calls for a Clickety Clack.