The humanized BEHR Premium Plus paint sample (in color: Basic Khaki) known as LC from The Hills and Laguna Beach got married in CA on Saturday and Cheyenne Jackson married future ex-husband #2 in Encino, CA, but the weekend’s biggest celebrity wedding happened in Italy. One of George Clooney’s former awards season escorts Elisabetta Canalis (or “Who?” as George Clooney calls her) married American orthopedic surgeon Brian Perri in Sardinia, Italy today. That’s George Clooney’s cue to scrap all plans for his stupid wedding in Italy, because the superstar Italian wedding of the century happened today and it can’t be topped.
While looking like everyone’s first communion threw up on her, Elisabetta became somebody’s wife at a cathedral in the town of Alghero. A source told UsWeekly (no, they didn’t) that guests nearly swooned out of their chonies when Brian said to his future wife, “I promise to love and honor you and not totally judge you for fucking Steve-O for relevancy.“ Elisabetta Canalis is a true inspiration. When Steve-O dumped her ass, I figured her twat would respond by dragging her body to the nearest convent where it’d declare celibacy for the rest of eternity, because how in the hell do you recover after getting rejected by Steve-O?! But Elisabetta dusted the embarrassment off of her chocha and kept on hustling until she became a doctor’s wife.
So now that two (Elisabetta and Stacy Keibler) of Clooney’s Magnificent Three are married, that leaves my favorite and the original Sarah Larson. I hope that on Clooney’s wedding day, Sarah Larson snatches all the spotlights away from him by eloping in Laughlin, NV. Clooney thinks that every tabloid cover will belong to him, but if the way more relevant Sarah Larson got married on the same day, he’d be lucky to get a blurb on the back page of the PennySaver.
My brain really is a dried up, crusty bathroom sponge that’s covered in shit bits and mold, because I really thought that Neil Patrick Harris (seen above looking like a malnourished Dr. Frankenstein’s monster after losing all that weight for Hedwig) and his dude of a million years David Burtka were already married and all of us already made jokes about how David’s thirty layer smug face is going to get smugger now that he’s officially Mr. Doogie Howser. But we haven’t done that, because NPH and David only recently decided to ruin their relationship by becoming husband and husband.
This morning, Neil Patrick Harris announced on his Twatter that after being together for 10 years, he and David Burtka got married in Italy on Saturday. Since gay marriage is illegal in Italy, I’m assuming that the wedding happened in Italy, but they made it legal in California or somewhere else in the US. People says that NPH’s close friend, TV director Pam Fryman, married the two and their 3 1/2 year old twins, Harper Grace and Gideon Scott, were in the ceremony. Doogie and David’s partner in yachting, Elton John, performed at the reception. No word if Vinnie Delpino was Doogie’s best man (Vinnie Delpino better have been Doogie’s best man).
Here’s Doogie’s tweet:
I thought NPH put the “d” in his husband a long time ago. I mean, how do you think they made those babies?
But really, that is a beautiful and touching picture. My favorite part of any wedding ceremony is when one solidifies their love and bond to the other by saying, “Pull my finger.”
Velvet-voiced actress, ageless Broadway star, cancer survivor, and my #1 style icon in the mid-90s (but then again, who’s wasn’t she? FRAN FINE WAS PERFECTION) Fran Drescher announce on Twitter yesterday (via People) that she went and got surprised hitched this weekend to her piece of just over a year, Dr. Shiva Ayyadurai. Franny married Dr. Shiva (I can just picture Val Toriello squealing “He’s a doctah honey – A DOCTAH!“) at their home on the beach in front of a small group of family and friends and I hope she wore that exquisitely beaded-to-hell-and-back gold ball gown from The Beautician and the Beast, but she probably went with something a little more understated and tasteful (I mean, when you’re already the most glamorous person in the room, why rub it in?)
Fran was married for almost 20 years before to her current producing partner, The Nanny creator Peter Marc Jacobson, but they split up in 1999 when Peter came out. 15 years later, Fran met Dr. Shiva at a Deepak Chopra event. Oh, but he’s not just a doctor – Dr. Shiva owns the patent for creating email. Fran married the Steve Jobs of internet correspondence! And now you know the name of the person you can curse out the next time you receive an email with the subject line “Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Re: the truth about obama PLEASE READ!!!”
Dr. Shiva says that during his talk at the Deepak Chopra event, Fran “heard my talk and we fell in love, and we’ve been together since that talk.” Imagine if it was the other way around? Fran steps up to the podium, taps on the mic, clears her throat, and says: “Hiiiiiiiiiiiiii everyyyyybawwwwwdyyyyy!“. It wouldn’t just be Dr. Shiva with hearts in his eyes; every man, woman, dog (the only creatures who can truly appreciate every note in her register), and Deepak Chopra himself would drop to their knees and propose. How could you not?? She has the voice of a goddamn angel!
Speaking of has-been weddings…
Sorry, Brangelina, but your plan to takeover this week’s tabloid coverage with your stupid wedding has been foiled! Because a much more high-profile and anticipated wedding happened this weekend. Renowned medical scientist Jenny McCarthy married Donnie Wahlberg at the Hotel Baker in St. Charles, Illinois yesterday. They’ve been dating for about a year, which is about how long Donnie has been suffering from the brain hemorrhage that causes him to make fucked-up decisions like marrying that crazy wreck. E! News says that 41-year-old Jenny married 45-year-old Donnie in front of zero guests, because just like Marky Mark, they all had better things to do and who really wants to watch a New Kid fall all the way from grace into a puddle of wet bat shit by marrying Jenny McCarthy? That shit’s just depressing and will ruin anybody’s Labor Day weekend.
No, apparently, Jenny’s fellow The View refugee Sherri Shepherd and the New Kids were there. This is the second marriage for both of them.
Jenny wore an exquisitely demure wedding gown that probably made the officiant say, “Do you TITS take this New Kid to be…,” (E! has a picture of her bridal tits) and as she walked down the aisle, she was serenaded by the cries of the ghosts of the children who died because their stupid parents listened to Jenny McCarthy.
Jenny and Donnie had a Labor Day Weekend wedding, so are we guessing that they’re going to have a National Nut Day annulment or are we going to be really generous and guess that they’ll have a Thanksgiving Day divorce? Or maybe it’ll end when Donnie is shuffled off to the mental hospital after stabbing his ears out after listening to the 900 millionth stream of cold shit coming out of Jenny’s mouth. But then again, he grew up with Marky Mark and has sang, “oh, oh, oh, oh, ooooh,” at least one billion times, so he can take almost any kind of torture.
First, Ashlee Simpson and Evan Ross got married and then Jenny McCarthy and Donnie Wahlberg. It’s truly been an all-star A-list wedding weekend! Next up, I’ll tell you about the wedding between a chick who was almost on The Bachelor and a guy who was in the background during a scene on Vanderpump Rules.
And here’s some crystal clear, hi-res pictures of Jenny in her wedding dress.
Yesterday in Greenwich, CT, a trick who is only semi-famous because of her sister married a trick who is only semi-famous because of his mom. 29-year-old Ashlee Simpson made 26-year-old Evan Ross her second husband at his mom’s estate. I figured that Diana Ross would pull a stage 10 Marky Mark and not show up to the wedding, because she had to meet with her lawyers to fast-track papers legally emancipating herself from Evan Ross for dragging her into that crazy family. But Diana Ross was there and she planned the whole wedding and performed. Miss Ross has gone insane.
UsWeekly says that Asshole wore a pearl-embellished, long-sleeved wedding gown and $750,000 worth of Neil Lane jooree including a tiara. Nobody really cared what Ashlee was wearing, because they were too busy gasping at the pretty-faced beauty of Evan Ross and the bow tie-shaped pube bush on his chin. Jessica Simpson was Ashlee’s matron of honor and her kids, Maxwell and Ace, were the flower girl and ring bearer. After the ceremony, Ashlee cut the cake with her chin and Diana Ross performed. Diana Ross performing at her son’s wedding reception makes sense, because: a) she’s Diana Ross and performing is her OXYGEN and; b) the more time she spent at the mic meant the less chances Ashlee had to get up on stage to “sing” to her groom.
UsWeekly has zero details about the only Simpson we care about: PAPA JOE! Bronx Mowgli walked Ashlee down the aisle, not Papa Joe. Ashlee is such a transparent bitch. I see what she did there. Ashlee knew that if Papa Joe walked her down the aisle, his glamorous ensemble (an ivory leather suit, a white fishnet tank, silver alligator sandals and a rhinestone headband) would take all the attention away from her who cares ass and Evan would want to marry Papa Joe instead and then the Ross family fortune would never be hers! It’s the only smart decision Ashlee has ever made.
And here’s pictures of Diana Ross looking like an exploding Muppet tampon while performing last year. I’m choosing to believe that this is what she wore to the ceremony.
Every religion issued a joint statement today saying that August 23rd is now the holiest holiday of the year (Sorry, Christmas! Sorry, Yom Kippur! Sorry, Eid al-Fitr! Sorry, Bea Arthur’s birthday!), because the holiest couple in history became husband and wife in the holiest union of the century and everybody who witnessed that blessed event has been declared a saint (“Um, but I was declared a saint as soon as I was pulled out of my mom’s bony snatch.” – Shiloh). But one trick who wasn’t declared a saint was Jon Voight, because Jon Voight wasn’t there and he found out about it when we all did. Jon Voight was being interviewed by Inside Edition this morning and the reporter talking to him told him the news that his daughter married her third husband and the only thing he had to say was, “That’s nice.” You know your daughter hates you more than she hates wearing a color that’s not black or beige when you find out about her wedding from an Inside Edition reporter. Not even Entertainment Tonight! Inside Edition!
If you were praying to God on Saturday for whatever reason and wondering why it felt like nobody was on the other line, it’s because God was doing better things. God was busy giving away his successor at her wedding. AP spit this out on Twitter this morning:
Okay, God and all the saints didn’t walk St. Angie down the aisle, but Maddox and Pax did, which is the next best thing. Here’s the only details we know so far. I’m sure new details will be printed into the newest edition of the Bible and the pictures will appear in stained glass form on the windows of Notre-Dame Cathedral:
Jolie and Pitt wed Saturday in a small chapel in a private ceremony attended by family and friends. In advance of the nondenominational civil ceremony, Pitt and Jolie also obtained a marriage license from a local California judge. The judge also conducted the ceremony in France.
The couple’s children took part in the wedding. Jolie walked the aisle with her eldest sons Maddox and Pax. Zahara and Vivienne threw petals. Shiloh and Knox served as ring bearers, the spokesman says.
Brad Pitt said a million years ago that he and St. Angie wouldn’t get married until everyone could get married. This means that gay marriage must be legal EVERYWHERE. Thank you, Brangelina! Thank you!
George Clooney Has Invited Anna Wintour To His Wedding, Which Means It Will Probably Be Featured In Vogue
Raise your hand if you just pictured a stoned Brad Pitt with pieces of wedding cake mashed into his beard elbowing a feminine-looking Montgomery Burns out of the better spot to catch the bouquet. Just me? Okay then.
According to Page Six, Anna Wintour will be a guest at the wedding between fancy human rights lawyer-type Amal Alamuddin and the nipple suit-wearing Batman George Clooney in Italy next month. A source claims that Anna got an invite because she hooked up Amal with a custom gown by Anna’s close friend Oscar de la Renta, and that she plans to feature the wedding in an upcoming issue of Vogue. Oooooh! Sounds like someone is desperately trying to crawl back out of the shame pit she threw herself in when she put the Cheap & Tacky Twins on the cover back in April. Too bad, Kaa from The Jungle Book, but the internet NEVER FORGETS.
The source also says that Anna will 100% be there to watch George and Amal cut the cake and drunk dance to YMCA while an obnoxious Craigslist DJ named MC Sweet Jamz screams into a mic “COME ON GRANDMA RUTH, GET YOUR ASS ON THE DANCE FLOOR!” (I wish – that’s more like the wedding of George Clooney and Sarah Larson) even though the wedding will take place in the middle of all the fancy European fashion shows. That’s how committed she is to making it up to him for the time she put George on the June 2000 cover with Gisele Bundchen looking like a cheesy prom photo from Mermaid High.
And speaking of Sarah Larson…do you think if George wasn’t marrying such a posh lady, he’d still get a spread in Vogue? You’re right, of course he wouldn’t; the pages of Vogue wouldn’t be able to handle all the refined taste and class that comes from a photo shot by Annie Leibovitz of that hot skanky mess Elisabetta Canalis in a white lace bridal bikini, trying to remove her own garter with her teeth.
Star says that on June 7th, Vincent Kartheiser and Alexis Bledel got married at some fancy resort in Ojai, CA (probably the Ojai Valley Inn & Spa where EVERY celebrity gets married when the San Ysidro Ranch is booked) and on their wedding night they awkwardly fucked on the rug in their room as Emily Gilmore pounded on the door and screamed at Rory for not inviting her to the secret wedding. A source tells Star that Jon Hamm, the Hammaconda and Matthew Weiner were guests at Rory and Pete’s wedding and Rory wore a dress:
“Alexis looked breathtaking. She wore a floor-length gown, and her hair was up. Vincent wore a gray suit and teared up when Alexis walked down the aisle.”
A rep confirmed the wedding to Gossip Cop. Vincent and Alexis met when she played the married trick who has an affair with Pete Campbell on Mad Men. They got engaged last year.
1. I really hope that Vincent had a shaved hairline on his wedding day, because if you’re going to marry Pete Campbell, you should only marry him when his hair looks like Friar Tuck with failed plugs.
3. May they have a hundred blinding white vampire alien babies with foreheads that go on forever.
Australian songwriter and nightingale Sia, who has more talent in one of her ass veins than most of the pop whores she writes songs for and who is currently terrorizing my ear tunnels with the emotional Lamps Plus jingle “Chanda-leeeeer-here,” became a wife on Saturday when she married her Peter Sarsgaard-looking ass man Erik Anders. Radar says that this was the “fast cummer’ of engagements, because Sia and Erik Anders, who makes documentaries, only got engaged two months ago. I really need to keep up with the news about Sia’s personal life, because the dried mash of rotten bologna and weed buds I call a brain thought she was still clit wrestling with JD Sampson from Le Tigre.
UsWeekly says that Sia and Erik got married in the backyard of her house in Palm Springs, CA. Sources say (no, they didn’t) that since Sia has the shys in a big way, Lena Dunham played her and an actor from central casting played Erik during the ceremony in front of guests and Sia and Erik actually got married in a darkened, closed-off room where she had her back to the pastor the entire time. Sia hasn’t confirmed this shit yet, but she sort of confirmed it on Saturday when she tweeted this:
Omg omg I'm so excited
— sia (@Sia) August 2, 2014
But was she so excited that she swung from the chanda-leeeeeeeeeeer-here?
And I wish I was making this part up, but Radar also says that Terry Richardson shot her wedding pictures.
Sia has said and done a lot of crazy things (examples: saying that the good shit gave her bi-polar and siccing her Twitter followers on a dry cleaner who screwed up her clothes), but nothing is crazier than saying, “I want Uncle Terry to shoot my wedding pictures,” and then actually going through with it.
Instead of the guests throwing rice at Sia and her husband, Uncle Terry stood on a ladder and came all over them. And during their first dance, they were serenaded by the loud cries of their guests who watched Uncle Terry fuck the cake while doing himself with a string of anal beads made out of Jordan almonds. Well, I guess every wedding needs a creepy, pervy uncle who jacks off through a hole in his pocket while watching the bridesmaids sashay down the aisle. But seriously, if Sia really wanted her wedding pictures to be out of focus and a mess, she should’ve gotten a strung out, brain dead salamander with shanky hands to take them with a waterlogged disposable camera. It would’ve been cheaper and I don’t think the salamander would’ve came in the plastic swans on the table. I think.
Here’s Sia and her new husband at some event in NYC in June.