Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino has been engaged to his fiancée Lauren Pesce since he popped the question during an episode of Jersey Shore Family Vacation in June. He’s also about to go to prison for tax evasion. The Situation becomes The Inmate anytime between now and January 15, 2019, which means he had to decide if he wanted to get married before, after, or sometime during his prison stay. He went with the first option.
A few years ago, it seemed like there was an underground cottage industry of conspiracy theorists who believed it was only a matter of time before Taylor Swift dumped whatever guy she was dating, announced she was in love with Karlie Kloss and they were getting married. If any of those conspiracy theorists still exist, they’re going to have to go back to the drawing board and re-write their theory to include a divorce lawyer. Because Karlie Kloss is now married to Joshua Kushner.
Gwyneth Paltrow and Brad Falchuk got married on Saturday at a private home in the Hamptons in front of a small audience of famous friends. Not much is known about the look of Gwyneth’s wedding, and I’m sure she’s saving the details for Goop. For now, all we know is that Gwyneth and Brad sealed the deal with some simple gold bands.
Gwyneth posted the picture on Sunday without any caption. As for those rings, it’s safe to assume they’re just standard wedding bands. Although it is Gwyneth we’re talking about, so they might actually be a circular spiritual soul connectivity set, forged from Tibetan gold, blessed by a lady Shaman named Togethyr in a crystal singing bowl.
According to People, Gwyneth was all about privacy at this wedding. A source says she worked with wedding guest and friend Cameron Diaz to make sure the day was as secret as possible. Cameron and Benji Madden got married without any details getting out, and Gwyneth wanted the same.
That might explain why Gwyneth didn’t give away any information in the caption of that wedding ring picture. Of course, there is a chance their first official picture as Mr. and Mrs. doesn’t have a wordy pretentious caption is because she posted it the day after her wedding reception. And let’s face it, she was probably too hungover on organic sulfite-free wine to come up with anything good.
“When your chakras finally align with the sensual energy of the endocrine system…no. Okay, when you channel spiritual creativity into cosmic love…fuck, no not that. Damn it, Brad – pass me the fucking Tylenol.“
And I’m sure the guests are already drooling with excitement. Just think: sitting on an imported Italian leather chair in their finest $4000 semi-formal dress, watching as dozens of rare coconutoilflies (they’re better than butterflies, don’t worry about it) are released into the air. If those aren’t your plans for this weekend, then you’re obviously not attending Gwyneth Paltrow’s rumored wedding.
Hallelujah! The clouds have parted and a single ray of sunlight is shining brightly over Justin Bieber, because divine Hillsong intervention has worked for the first time in history and blessed him with a sprinkling of common sense. Despite Justin Bieber looking like a homeless tweaker in that picture above (“Only ‘looking’?” thought anyone who has seen THAT video), he’s worth millions. TMZ reports that The Biebs and Hailey Baldwin did not get secret married last week after being spotted obtaining their marriage license, because they are busy working out a prenup before they hit the gallows- I mean aisle. It’s a Hollywood miracle! A completely rational decision being made by two horny celebrity 20 somethings in a rush to get married. This brings a tear to my eye.
Denise Richards married Aaron Phypers yesterday as planned in an intimate Malibu wedding ceremony that included only their closest family and friends. But don’t worry, “intimate Malibu wedding ceremony” translates to fully filmed and currently being edited for the upcoming ninth season of The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. That’s right, if you didn’t make the invite list, don’t worry! Just like Charlie Sheen, who may or may not have been in attendance yesterday, you can relive all the wedding magic as soon as the next season of RHOBH kicks off! Continue reading