Well it looks like the story of Katy Perry’s not-an-engagement ring has a happy ending after all; he can go ahead and cancel his welfare cheques because Katy’s friend Allison Williams has graciously given him a job! According to People, Girls actress and Brian Williams’s daughter, Allison Williams, is the most recent recipient of that stack of dog-eared bridal magazines her cousin refuses to recycle (we all have that cousin) after she was presented with an engagement ring by her boyfriend of three years, College Humor co-founder Ricky Van Veens. There’s no word on wedding plans yet, except that precautions are already being taken to prevent Ricky’s good friend John Mayer from trying to fuck everything with a face at the reception.
Allison has previously said that she’s one of those types who would trade Emmy gowns for Bubble Guppies marathons, so let’s all cross our fingers that she’s not as insufferably uptight as her character on Girls and Ricky’s Van Peen is able to knock her up asap, forcing Lena Dunham to replace her with the best Girls character ever created: BLERTA!
What is it with super-secret weddings? They’re so hot right now! In the event you’re planning a wedding and you don’t know what’s trendy, just remember:
IN – Super-secret weddings!!!!
OUT – Giving your family and friends the heads-up that you’re getting married (ew, suh tacky)
The rest is all arbitrary: pick a cake, have an open bar to prevent your family from hating you forever, post a picture to Instagram and wait for the ‘likes’ to roll in. Or just skip the last part and let your ex-husband announce it on Twitter, like Kimora Lee Simmons did.
After reading a rumor online that Kimora was dating rapper and possible oil tycoon Birdman, Russell Simmons proved he has the heart of a yoga turtle and bravely cleared her good name (for real, read that super-embarrasing shit about Birdman’s oil company) on Twitter by letting everyone know she’s been off the market for a while:
— Russell Simmons (@UncleRUSH) February 19, 2014
I know, official RIP to Djimora Lee Simsou. As it turns out, shortly after their split, Kimora hooked up with investment banker Tim Leissner. Gareth from The Office face with an investment banker booty? You don’t say. You’ve got to hand it to Kimora; bitch takes a great mugshot and runs a tight gold digger game. Get it bitch! I hope your super-secret wedding also involved a super-secret pre-nup (Shhh…it doesn’t exist! Yaaaay). Congrats to you Kimora Lee Simmons Leissner! I’d say Mazel Tov, but it looks like this situation calls for a Clickety Clack.
Only three months after announcing their engagement, Us Weekly is reporting that Leighton Meester from Gossip Girl and Adam Brody from The OC (look, until you guys do something else, I’m going to have to keep introducing you by your CW shows) have gone ahead and made shit legal with a “super secret wedding” (Us Weekly’s words and not mine, because I’m not a sentient Girl Talk board game). No other details have been released, so for now we’ll just have to picture Leighton and Adam tip-toeing around with their fingers to their lips going “Sshhhh! It’s not just a secret, it’s a super secret!” before receiving a cease-and-desist letter from Shh…It’s A Wig with a note saying: “STEP OFF TRICK! Shushing people is OUR thing.”
So congratulations to Mr. and Mrs. Meester-Brody, a couple that sounds like a Spanish lady formally addressing someone named Brody. May you be blessed with children you name Excuseme and Pardonme (or at least do the internet a solid and rename your dogs).
(Pic: Flame Flynet)
Something tells me this wasn’t a surprise engagement; those 8 layers of SprayGlo are giving you away, Xteeny! You’d think that a woman who’s been coating herself in Industrial Grade Foundation-Style Spackle™ for so long would know that you need to allow each coat to dry before applying the next so that it doesn’t cake up around your knuckles and make it look like you just finger-banged Scooter from The Muppets.
With yesterday being Valentine’s Day, I had a small bet with myself to see which couple was going to get engaged, because predictable hos ALWAYS gets engaged on Valentine’s Day, Christmas Day, and Halloween (well, at least Pete Wentz types). I had $50 on Beelzebub finally making an honest hag out of Kris Jenner, but I should have put it on Xtina and her boyfriend Matthew Rutler! Last night, Xtina picked up a wifi signal on Gilligan’s Island and tweeted “He asked and I said….” followed by this picture of their two hands and dat ring. Speaking of, that’s a pretty nice ring for a dude who hasn’t worked since 2011. No! I’m sure her fiancé totally picked it out and paid for it himself (dat sarcasm).
I have a real soft spot in my black heart for Xtina (she gets an automatic pass forever because of this) so if she’s happy, I’m happy. Although, secretly I’m also happy because I know that if her wedding to Jason Bratman was any indication of future behavior, this next wedding will be an uncontrollable mess. Her first wedding dress was understated version of something from My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, and the reception was like a Sauza-soaked New Jersey bachelor party, so I’m looking forward to Xtina throwing the words ‘classy’ and ‘demure’ out the window this time around (cut to her in the attic dusting off her old satin bridal coochie cutters).
(Pic: Christina Aguilera)
Pamela Anderson is a vegan (the only meat she puts in her mouth is at least 8 inches long and spits out man leche, thankyouverymuch), is PETA’s hardest-working whore and she cares about the environment and shit, so she tries to keep it green, which is why she recycles everything including the dicks that she rides on full-time. The Canadian blossom who re-planted herself in the gardens of America recycled Tommy Lee’s stretched Escalade dick several times before breaking up with him for good (probably not, they are the Burton & Taylor of the CDC) in 2010 and she married Kid Rock in 2006 after breaking up with him the first time in 2003. Well, Pamela is recycling again. She married Wonky McValtrex’s fuck tape c0-star and her third ex-husband, Rick Salomon, recently. The free clinic has a new first couple!
At Sean Penn’s Help Haiti Gala in L.A. last night, Pamela showed off her new, huge ring and told E! News that she got secret married to Rick Salomon. Pamela and Rick got married in 2007 and they annulled that shit a year later. They recently started bumping genitals again. Rick didn’t walk the carpet with Pamela last night, but she said that she’s happy and her family is happy about it.
“We’re very happy. Our families are very happy and that’s all that matters.”
Besides that popped clit pimple Paris Hilton, Rick has exquisite taste in women. His ex-wives club includes E.G. Daily and Brenda Walsh.
I could sit here and shit on Pamela Anderson for the bad decisions she’s made in her love life, but I’m not going to. Pamela made the right decision to keep her eyebrows looking like they were tattooed on with a BIC pen, a soda can pull tab and a lighter by her cholita cellmate in a women’s state prison in Central California and THAT’S the only decision that matters to me.
Here’s Pamela looking like a chola Susan Powter (chola name: La Sane Girl) at that Help Haiti Gala last night.
Pics: Getty, Wenn.com
Bobbi Kristina, the daughter of Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown, tweeted the picture above yesterday with this caption:
Whitney! Stop haunting Bobby while dressed as The Ghost of Hot Messes Past for a second and come talk to your daughter.
I don’t even know where to begin with this one. When Bobbi Kristina and Nick Gordon got engaged, it was to a chorus of “ewwwwwwws” and “WWWS” (What Would Whitney Say) because Whitney raised them side by side after taking Nick in when he was 12. Even Cissy Houston, Whitney’s mom, drank from a cup of hate because she was worried Nick was a gold digger and only after the money Bobbi Kristina inherited when her mother died.
I usually like news about weddings. I start dreaming about open bars and occasions where I can wear something other than pajamas with flip flops. I can’t muster up any enthusiasm for this one and it’s not just the brother lover angle. The tweet Bobbi Kristina sent out had all the emojis you’d expect to find with a social media marriage announcement that didn’t even rate a decent Instagram filter. I also couldn’t figure out if that “YERP” was added by Bobbi, a tag from a website or if the Swedish Chef was giving this union his blessing.
The best thing that could come out of this is if Bobbi Kristina and Nick send out thank you notes that echo the lovely sentiments they left their former neighbor.
“You are shit at the bottom of our shoe. Thanks for the gravy boat.”
Watching this video of Kaley Cuoco’s wedding was a shit way to start out Day 2 of the kids’ school being closed due to Coldmageddon and what feels like Day 376 of having some kind of phlegmy plague. Kaley’s natural speaking voice is one step below “screeching drunk bitch at the bar” and hearing her up the exuberance to squeal about it being her wedding day makes me want to hunt her down and slap a piece of duct tape over her mouth. That’s a lot of excitement for a marriage that started with the bride wearing a dress the color of barfed up Pepto Bismol and will inevitably end before the year mark (I have $20 riding on it in the Dlisted office pool).
The video is pretty much a long ass commercial for Kaley’s hair and makeup artists and she looks nice but kind of same old, same old. At least she didn’t have any weird ass bangs this time like she did for the SAG Awards, but they don’t make a hairpiece big enough to cover her level of Try Hard.
Here are some pics of Kaley making artsy stuff and checking for zits at Color Me Mine Studio in Studio City the other day.
After the most natural and organic true love union between Kaley Cuoco and Superman bloomed and quickly died, I figured that she’d swear off love forever and spend her nights trolling the streets for in-love couples to stab in the throat. But Kaley Cuoco somehow managed to pick herself up, jump on a new dick, get engaged and get married. Kaley started boning professional tennis player Ryan Sweeting six months ago, three months later they were engaged to be married and now they’re husband and wife. And I’m sure they’ll stay married for the rest of eternity, or until Kaley needs more attention from People magazines and files for divorce, which will probably happen before the red velvet curtain closes on 2014. That’s real love!
People says that Kaley and Ryan’s pre-divorce ceremony happened at the Hummingbird Nest Ranch in Santa Susana, CA last night. 150 guests all spent their New Year’s Eve watching Kaley get married to the man who will probably become her first ex-husband.
I usually side-eye selfish whores who get married on Christmas Day or New Year’s Eve, but I’m sure there was an open bar and Kaley provided visual entertainment by looking like she was drowning in a jar of strawberry Fluff. And I’m sure Kaley has at least one drunk auntie who shook her head through the ceremony while saying, “From fake fucking Henry Cavill’s hot ass to this?! How dreadful, indeed.”
(Pic via Instagram)
Well if this isn’t the most Wait, What? story to come out of left field, then I don’t know what is. Then again, the day is young and we haven’t checked in with Florida yet, so we still have time for a story about a guy named Tarvis who was arrested for cooking meth with an alligator in a Waffle House. But for now, let’s all enjoy how weird it is that Stevie Nicks is officiating weddings, shall we?
On Friday, Vanessa Carton, aka the girl who sings that song from your favourite scene in White Chicks, married lead singer and guitarist for Deer Tick (I think I just got Lyme disease from that name) John McCauley, and uploaded a picture of the ceremony to Instagram with the caption:
“Thanks Stevie for marrying us!”
Thanks Stevie?! Show some respect,
Michelle Branch Vanessa Carlton; that’s Miss Stevie Gypsy Goddess Rhiaaaaaanon Crazy Nicks to you. No other information was given as to how these two know each other, but it doesn’t take a genius to guess that they probably worked together years ago and they’re still friends bla bla bla.
However, it’s more fun to believe that Stevie Nicks is moonlighting as an ordained minister and is performing wedding ceremonies in her spare time. I bet she’s got a great Craigslist ad. Actually, one time I had a job where I did research for people (the stories I could tell, good lord) and I was asked to find a non-denominational wedding officiant for someone. I found this wedding officiant database and all of their descriptions were the exact same: “I arrive to your wedding wearing a clean pantsuit and tasteful makeup”. Which always got me thinking: Is this a problem in the wedding officiant community? Were people arriving in zip-off cargo shorts and Lil Kim makeup? And if so, where are these people located and are they available to officiate my trashy future wedding?
(Pic via Instagram)
Radar says that 57-year-old Toy Toy made her business partner/longtime friend Jeffre Phillips her second husband in L.A. today. If you’re a conman murderer, now is the time to do some bad shit, because Detective La Toya is currently off the clock since she’s busy celebrating her new marriage. La Toya’s mother Katherine Jackson and Prince Michael I were both at the wedding. And I’m going to choose to believe that Blanket was the flower boy, because it would be a serious crime if he wasn’t.
I’ve seen oJeffre on La Toya’s reality show and his intricately plucked eyebrows make my lashes tingle and his pucker makes my prostate twitch. Jeffre Phillips (typing that name made me squirt out a drop of hummingbird juice) is the perfect husband for Detective La Toya, because he’ll help her to elevate her eyebrow situation and he’ll hold her hand tight as they get his and hers anal bleaching.
Congrats to Detective La Toya and her glitter-glazed husband friend.