It’s time to toss a giant handful of penis-shaped confetti and pop that bottle of celebratory lube you were saving, because the day Ciara’s very patient pussy has been waiting for has finally arrived! Less than four months after they got engaged by the light of a professional photographer’s camera kit, E! News has confirmed that Ciara and Russell Wilson got married this afternoon at a fancy-ass castle in Cheshire, England. This is Ciara’s first marriage and Russell Wilson’s second.
It looks like we’re going to have to update the definition of the phrase “Excuse my beauty” twice today. Once for the pup on the left giving us demure cross-legged bashful arm candy, and once for the gorgeous BBP (big beautiful pooch) shamelessly showing off her pug goodies on the right.
This weekend, Clint Eastwood’s second ex-wife Dina Eastwood married the guy she left her rich pepaw husband for. And as you can see, it was an incredibly elegant affair. People says Dina and her new husband Scott Fisher got married in Santa Barbara, which I’m positive is where 98% of famous people get married. Instead of having human bridesmaids who might try to steal yo man or upstage your ass, Dina put two of her pugs, Morgy and Chica, in some very exquisite doggy gowns and let them lead her down the aisle. Morgy was actually the Maid of Honor.
One quick peek at Dina’s Instagram will tell you that she’s majorly into her pugs, so it’s not exactly a surprise that she would make them a part of her wedding. Sadly, Morgy and Chica broke Bridesmaid Rule #1 by totally upstaging the bride. Especially Chica (the chunkier one with her tongue and business hanging out). Chica is really giving Gary Fisher a run for his money in the scene-stealing dog department. Like, how are you supposed to compete for attention around a dog like Chica? You can’t. But I don’t think Chica does it on purpose; when you’re a perfect 10, it’s hard not to get noticed.
That picture above is perfect for many reasons. But I really love it because Morgy and Chica’s faces totally look like a version of the comedy/tragedy masks that represent the two main emotions of being at a wedding reception. Morgy (tragedy) is all “Ugh, where’s the bar“, and Chica (comedy) is all “LOL I FOUND IT!!”
Yesterday, Dakota Meyer, the father of Bristol Palin’s five month old daughter Sailor and the guy she dumped five seconds before they were supposed to get married the first time, posted the picture above on his Facebook page. Of course, it didn’t take long for people to notice that Alaska’s abstinence princess was wearing a fancy diamond ring on that finger and start to wonder if they were back together again. It looks like people can stop wondering, because Entertainment Tonight can confirm that they’re more than back together: they’re married.
25-year-old Bristol and 27-year-old Dakota spilled the beans to ET earlier today that they were currently on their honeymoon, which would explain the palm trees. They didn’t say anything about the wedding, like if the bride wore a stunning floor-length camo-print “thong dress“ or if her mother provided the music at the reception. But they did provide this statement:
“Life is full of ups and downs but in the end, you’ll end up where you’re supposed to be. We are so happy to share with loved ones the wonderful news that we got married! Hard work and God’s grace are the foundation of our new life together, and with the love and support of our family we know we can get through anything.”
“Get through anything”? That’s nice, but honestly, what’s left? They’ve already dealt with secret wives, surprise pregnancies, paternity drama, birth certificate drama, and custody fights. The only way I could see their relationship getting any more soap opera-y would be if Bristol were to discover that Dakota is actually just three stray dogs in a trench coat like in that Doritos commercial. I mean, it’s not that insane: crazier things have happened to the Palin family (see: Sarah Palin being chosen as a Vice Presidential nominee). If I were Bristol, I’d be checking Dakota for a tail.
The romance of our time has finally been made official! I know all of you, like me, have been waiting for this moment for what feels like a lifetime. The celebrated star of Over Her Dead Body, Eva Longoria, has married the president of Televisa, Jose “Pepe” Antonio Baston. How it isn’t a national holiday, I’m not really sure, Eva is a national treasure. Sorry. I meant she’s like the National Treasure movies – pops up once every couple of years, is cheesy as all hell, but is nonetheless enjoyable.
Eva and Pepe have been together for close to three years and in December he proposed. She threw up a totally not staged, totally spur of the moment, totally spontaneous photo of her and him kissing on her Instagram back then. People is reporting that the two of them finally stopped living in sin and made it official down in Mexico. Despite this being her third marriage, the bride wore white. Her dress was designed by her good friend, Victoria “Posh” Beckham, who, obviously, showed up with David Beckham.
“I’ve been waiting for a day like this my whole life,” is what Eva said to Hola! USA but I’m confused because this is the third day like this she’s had. Is there some kind of 50 First Dates thing going on with her mind? When she dumps a piece does she forget the whole time they spent together? I’m worried. Something is going on here… Anyway, not my problem! Guests included Ricky Martin, Melanie Griffith and Mario Lopez. But the real icing on the cake is that Eva’s Desperate Housewives co-star Vanessa Williams made a surprise appearance when she came out to sing her song “Save the Best for Last“. I’m going to assume that’s Vanessa’s sly way of saying “hopefully, third time’s a fucking charm” to Eva.
Here’s the love birds at Vanity Fair’s Oscar party this past Sunday. Jerry’s chichis look magnificent. Being almost-married to a billionaire is doing wonders for them. Although, her chichis do kind of look like twin Rupert Murdoch heads. Why did I go and ruin it by saying that?
Everyone’s faith in pure organic love was restored in January when 59-year-old Jerry Hall and evil billionaire mogul 84-year-old Rupert Murdoch announced that they got engaged after 4 months of being together. We all figured that these two would have one of those long engagements and spend the next couple of years planning their perfect wedding. We also figured that Jerry Hall wouldn’t worry about making it legal right away and would just enjoy Rupert’s body pounding against her before busts a load of cum dust up into her. But these two are in a rush to become husband and wife. Reuters says that Jerry will become Rupert’s fourth wife and Rupert will become Jerry’s first husband at St. Bride’s Church in London this Saturday. They have already invited 150 guests. The marriage service will happen at St. Bride’s and the ceremony will be somewhere else.
“He will be having a service to celebrate the marriage,” Claire Seaton from St Bride’s told Reuters. She said the actual wedding ceremony would take place elsewhere.
If you’re hearing the repeated sound of a cocking of a gun (I said cocking of a gun), because you think this is a SHOT GUN situation (Ha. I wish!), then you’re mistaken. That sound you hear is the sound of a clock ticking away, because Rupert is 84 years old and Jerry is wasting no damn time. The last time Jerry got “married” was to Mick Jagger and the marriage was later declared null and void by the court because their ceremony wasn’t official. So when Jerry gets married to Australian Mr. Burns on Saturday, she better have a team of lawyers and Judge Fucking Judy at her side to make her it’s 100% valid.
It was a little over three years ago when Liberty Ross filed for divorce from director Rupert Sanders after he got caught munching on Kristen Stewart’s twat in a Mini Cooper. After the paps caught Rupert taking his tongue to Kristen Stewart’s pussy town in her Mini Cooper, Liberty tried to make it work with him for the sake of their children, but they eventually got divorced. Well, those sad days are long, long behind Liberty and I’m sure she barely thought of that bad time in her life as sparkling dollar signs, I mean, sparkling hearts filled her eyes when she married almost-billionaire turtle Jimmy Iovine over the weekend.
The Daily Mail has pictures of 37-year-old Liberty marrying 62-year-old music mogul Jimmy Iovine on a beach in Malibu on Saturday afternoon. It was just a casual ceremony and at one point, a sky writer messed up by writing “J Heart M” instead of “J Heart L.” Liberty could have taken that as a bad omen, but she laughed it off, because who cares. Bitch is beyond rich now. The beach wedding was just for their close family and friends. Yesterday, on Valentine’s Day, they went all out by throwing a party at David Geffen’s mansion.
Since everyone is in L.A. for the Grammys tonight, everyone was at Jimmy and Liberty’s wedding party. The 300 guests included: Oprah, her boo Stedman Graham, her other boo Gayle King, Pharrell Williams, Ellen DeGeneres, Portia de Rossi, Eminem, Tom Hanks, Rita Wilson, Brian Grazer, Paul McCartney, Rupert Murdoch, Gwen Stefani, Blake Shelton, Stevie Nicks, Alicia Keys and Swizz Beatz. Lady Gaga, Tony Bennett and Mary J. Blige performed at the reception. All of them women were also told to wear red since it was VD.
That wedding sounds like what a gold digger dreams of when she closes her eyes at night. Not only did Liberty Ross marry a guy who is worth around $970 million, but the reception was filled with so many rich bitches. I bet that instead of the guests pinning dollars to her dress during the money dance, they swiped their black AMEX on a credit card machine strapped to her dress. And I also bet that during the reception, Liberty raised a glass and said, “Thank you to Kristen Stewart’s pussy, because if it wasn’t for my asshole ex licking on you in a Mini Cooper, I may not have upgraded and been living a lavish life today. To KStew’s snatch!”
And here’s riveting pictures of David Geffen’s twink toy lair and pictures of guests in cars.
When Daisy Fuentes and Richard Marx got married in Aspen back in December, my brain though “Well that’s nice” and then promptly filed said information into the trash, along with what I ate for lunch and the plot of the 1985 film Perfect. So obviously I got a raging case of Groundhog Day when I saw that Daisy Fuentes and Richard Marx got married in Los Angeles last night. Thankfully, my brain doesn’t empty the trash that often, so I was able to go in and confirm that, yes, these two are already married and, no, I’m not losing my mind.
According to Karent Sierra (yes, former RHOM cast member Karent Sierra), the guest list at Daisy and Richard’s Aspen wedding was limited to close family only. So Daisy and Richard decided to throw themselves a second Aspen-themed wedding because none of their friends were at the first one. Daisy and Richard didn’t do the whole vow thing, but they did have bunch of fake snow and played a video of their Aspen wedding on a constant loop.
E! says the guest list at Daisy and Richard’s second wedding also included Ringo Starr, Kenny G, and David Foster. Oh my god, that’s like a waiting room’s dream.
Daisy and Richard apparently took the Aspen theme all the way to the reception dress code by asking their guests to show up wearing “Aspen attire.” Okay, someone failed here. Neither Daisy or Richard, or any of their friends were wearing Aspen attire. There wasn’t a single pair of neon ski pants, neon ski boots, Bollé goggles, or white turtleneck to be seen. And yes, I’m basing everything I know about “Aspen attire” on this Juicy Fruit commercial.
When I saw the headline “Richard Marx and Daisy Fuentes Tie The Knot” yesterday, I thought that the mixture of my grade 10 hangover and the buzz I was working on caused me to hallucinate because this story is a beautiful fever dream from the 90s.
I am a terrible child of the 80s, because I should be following Richard Marx on Instagram. If I did, I’d know that he and 90s MTV VJ Daisy Fuentes have been humping on each other for about a year. Daisy and Richard even brought the cheese by “canoodling” together in one of his videos last year. So because I had no idea that 52-year-old Richard Marx and 49-year-old Daisy Fuentes are a thing, the news about them getting married made my current self brain burp out a giant “HUH?” as my early 90s self screamed over this hot new IT couple.
Daisy and Richard got married in Aspen, CO on December 23rd. They’ve both been married before. Daisy was married to that hot piece Timothy Adams from Sunset Beach for a few years in the 90s. Last year, Richard got divorced from Cynthia Rhodes (aka Penny in Dirty Dancing) after being married to each other for 25 years. I know, Richard Marx leaving Penny from Dirty Dancing to marry Daisy Fuentes is too much. I need a Zima.
Both Richard, who looks like a low-budget Harry Connick Jr. wax figure, and Daisy have thrown up a few pictures from their winter wonderland wedding on Instagram. I appreciate the ultra dramatic “Alexis Carrington in Doctor Zhivago” poses that Daisy’s trying to deliver, but these two as a couple is still weird to me. It’s like a random famous type from the 80s and a random type from the 90s were just randomly thrown together. I guess Richard was just right there waiting for Daisy since the 90s…
With that being said, I’m all for it. It’s also nice to see a couple bonding over their mutual love of Photoshop, Botox and overusing Instagram filters.
I’m saying “might have“, because we have yet to receive a press release (ie. a bundle of Blair Witch-style sticks with the words JUST MARRIED written across it in black paint and hand-delivered by The Babadook) from tiny pocket witch Mary-Kate Olsen about this whole wedding situation. But Page Six is saying that yes, one half of Michelle Tanner got married on Friday night to her French banker boyfriend of three years, Olivier Sarkozy.
A source says that 29-year-old Mary-Kate made it legal with Nicolas Sarkozy’s 46-year-old half-brother in front of 50 guests on Friday night at a private residence in Manhattan. Guests were told to hand over their cellphones, so no one has any picture evidence of Mary-Kate’s special day. But don’t worry, I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before pictures of her fancy rich witch wedding end up in the pages of Vogue or Creepy Haunted Victorian Doll Weekly (probably the first one, definitely the second one).
This isn’t the first time Mary-Kate might have gotten married to her French banker boyfriend. Last year, there were whispers going around that the she had gotten secret married to Olivier. So this could be another false alarm. I guess we’ll only know for sure once we receive confirmation that Uncle Jesse definitely wasn’t invited.
Out of all the things we don’t know about Mary-Kate’s maybe-wedding, we do know this: apparently the theme of the reception was cigarettes. A source claims they were treated to “bowls and bowls filled with cigarettes, and everyone smoked the whole night.” Cigarettes! All the cigarettes. I’m sure Mary-Kate also walked down the aisle carrying a bouquet of American Spirits instead of flowers, exchanged lighters instead of rings, and dug into a giant wedding cake made out of packs of gum. And yes, I totally just pictured Mary-Kate calling up her wedding planner like: “Instead of doves, can we release some crows at the end of the ceremony? And can they be carrying cigarettes in their mouths? No? Forget it then.”
It felt like it was just yesterday when I was rolling my eyes while spitting out the words, “shameless stunt queen whores,” under my breath as I looked at Sofia Vergara and tall drink of muscles Joe Manganiello keep it totally natural and not-at-all choreographed in front of the paps. And now they’re married. I know, they’re really taking this PR stunt relationship all the way! That’s dedication! That’s how it’s done!
No, no, that’s just the bitterness and jealousy talking. I’m sure their love is completely natural and totally organic, and now they’re officially married to each other. People says that 43-year-old Sofia and 38-year-old Joe got married at The Breakers in Palm Beach, FL (aka the hotel from Heartbreakers) at around 7pm tonight in front of 400 guests including famous types like Reese Witherspoon, Channing Tatum, the entire cast of Modern Family, Anna Paquin, Stephen Moyer, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Harvey Weinstein. I know, 7pm on a damn Sunday! Some of Sofia and Joe’s guests are probably working on their “ill voice,” because they’re going to need to call in sick tomorrow.
Sofia has already Instagrammed pictures from the wedding, and sadly, Joe is wearing clothes. I know, what’s the point of marrying Joe ManJello if you’re not going to marry him while he’s totally naked except for a bow tie wrapped around his peen?
Guests had to hand over their cell phones to security before the ceremony. But don’t worry, since Sofia’s hustle game is like no other, I’m sure we’ll soon find out every detail of the wedding. There will be 600 pictures in People, a cheap replica of Sofia’s wedding dress will be sold at Kmart, an exclusive Cover Girl perfume that captures the scent of their love will be created and you’ll be able to buy the model of the bed they fucked on as husband and wife at Rooms To Go.
Sofia and Joe became a thing last year after she broke up with that Onion Crunch mogul douche who is now suing her for the right to use their embryos.
I would say congratulations, but I’m not going to do that, because I hate Sofia Vergara!!! First of all, she gets to fuck on Joe ManJello regularly and second of all, he serenaded her with this beautiful song: