UsWeekly says that after dating for close to four years, come-to-life last-minute art school project Lady Gaga and her hot pretend fireman boyfriend Taylor Kinney are engaged. According to Times Herald-Record editor Barry Lewis, Taylor proposed to Gaga on Valentine’s Day and they celebrated their engagement by going to dinner at her father’s restaurant, Joanne Trattoria (how very subtle of you, Gaga).
Since Lady Gaga is the fame whore to end all fame whores, I assumed she’d have posted at least 13 half-naked engagement ring selfies to Instagram by now, but so far she’s only posted one, and there’s not a single tit or ass cheek in sight:
But there is a giant-ass tacky ring. What the hell kind of high school gumball machine heart-shaped promise ring foolery is this? I’m sure that diamond costs more than my face, but it sort of screams: “He went to Jared…and then realized he didn’t have enough money, so he stole something from Walmart”. It looks like a fancied-up version of the ring that came with a bottle of Hard Candy nail polish. Then again, it’s Lady Gaga, so a heart-shaped diamond is a surprisingly tasteful choice, considering it was probably a toss-up between that, or a single anal bead set in a tied-off condom filled with spider jizz and dipped in 24K gold.
I know I’m supposed to think it’s super romantic that Taylor proposed on Valentine’s Day with a heart-shaped ring, but that shit is cheesy as hell. The only way it could have been any cheesier is if Taylor had tied the ring around the neck of a giant stuffed gorilla or hid it in a molten chocolate lava cake. Why do I get the feeling that somewhere in New York, a jeweler is cleaning chocolate goo out of that ring?
It’s a dark, dark day for the Cumberbitches today. According to People, Kif Kroker’s cousin Benedict Cumberbatch made it legal with his knocked-up British girlfriend Sophie Hunter after being engaged for 3 months. A Valentine’s Day wedding? How very ‘I’m totally not an alien, I’m a legitimate human being’ of you, Benedict. Only a real human person would get married on Earth’s national love day! Even Smith Comma John is like “Too obvious, man.”
So far, not much is known about Eggs Benedict’s secret wedding, but People says they got married on the Isle of Wight at the parish church of St. Peter and St. Paul. Oooh, two saints? How fancy. Metro UK says his best man was his Sherlock co-star Martin Freeman, aka Bilbo Baggins, aka Tim Canterbury from The Office, and that Keira Knightley was one of the guests. No word on whether or not there was a procession of pengwings, but I choose to believe there was.
Eddie Redmayne better watch his back, because there’s only 3 days left before Oscar voting ends, and Benedict is making things happen. He got secret married, and I bet he can get Sophie to go into secret labor next. He’s from outer space, he can do these things! Eddie, you only have 3 days to one-up Benedict; my suggestion is adopting a litter of future seeing-eye puppies or getting knocked-up yourself. I know it’s not technically possible, but do you want the Oscar or not? Make it happen!
Well, you can officially start placing bets in the Johnny Depp and Amber Heard divorce pool, because these two are now married for real. Since I’m a believer in true love and can see that Johnny and Amber are always exuding rainbow-wrapped happiness when they’re together (see: picture above), I’m going to say that their break up date will be the 20th of NEVER. Or the week before her next movie opens. Either or.
Seen above looking like a constipated Mr. Peanut and Vintage Barbie, Johnny Depp and Amber Heard got married at his house in L.A. yesterday. E! News EXCLUSIVELY confirms it and that’s celebrity website talk for “Amber’s publicist told us.” The human gas station gift shop scarf tree and his young bride are going to get married again in a wedding on his private island in the Bahamas this weekend. The 51-year-old Johnny and 28-year-old Amber got engaged around the holidays in 2012. This is his second time being married and it’s her first. UsWeekly has a few riveting details:
An insider tells Us that the bride and groom married at Depp’s West Hollywood home on Tuesday, Feb. 3. They will next jet off to his private island in the Bahamas for a second service. ”It will be a really simple ceremony,” a source previously told Us of the tropical getaway. “Things are in a great place with them.”
I don’t know why they got married yesterday if they’re going to get married again this weekend. I’m guessing it’s a legal thing. Or they’re just greedy. Or one of them wanted to make it legal before the other one wakes up from their pill-induced haze and changes their mind. You decided which is which.
Congratulations to these two messes. Here’s to more pictures of them looking like Victorian mourners at a funeral.
One week after she announced that she was knocked-up with a tiny hand-crocheted ukelele-strumming vintage fetus, UsWeekly says that Zooey Deschanel is engaged to her baby daddy producer boyfriend Jacob Pechenik. Congrats, Zooey, you just hit the hipster wedding jackpot: adorable pregnant bride.
Zooey was married once before to Death Cab for Cutie singer Ben Gibbard from 2009 to 2011, but that ended due to “irreconcilable differences” (aka they couldn’t stop fighting over whose turn it was to sit cross-legged in the living room singing broody songs to no one in particular while they strummed on a second-hand acoustic guitar). But maybe Jacob really likes the never-ending sound of Christmas carols coming out of Zooey’s sing-hole, or he’s got a good set of noise-cancelling headphones and doesn’t care.
Baby Deschanel-Pechenik is due some time this summer, and UsWeekly doesn’t say when Zooey and Jacob are planning on getting married, but I’m going to guess it will be soon. Zooey strikes me as one of those old fashioned types that need a ring on their finger before they push out a kid, so I won’t be surprised to see a baby-bloated Zooey wrapped in 5 yards of thrift store lace curtains clutching ten wild daisies in one hand and a barf bag in the other as she shuffles down the aisle of a vintage bowling alley.
And I really want to see the quirky engagement ring Jacob proposed to her with. I know he’s only been with Zooey for about 6 months, so I hope he had enough time to find a taxidermied squirrel tooth set in an antique gold harmonica.
Never mind that the picture above looks like a pepaw beaming with pride over his grandson graduating from high school, British national treasure Stephen Fry is somebody’s husband for the first time. Stephen married stand-up comedian type Elliot Spencer in the Norfolk town of Dereham, England today. They’ve been dating for around a year. Finally, I’m bringing you news about an old millionaire marrying a young piece and the names Hugh Hefner or Jeff Goldblum aren’t involved.
Earlier this month, 57-year-old Stephen said in a tweet that he is marrying 27-year-old Elliot after someone leaked the news to The Sun. Stephen wouldn’t say when their wedding was going to happen. The Daily Mail says the two became husband and husband at the register office in Dereham. Stephen dropped the news on Twitter to his millions of followers and along with that picture, added two notes:
“Go into a room as two people…and leave as one.” Stephen makes it sound like he ate (not in the Marnie from Girls way) Elliot. Like I said in my post about their engagement, Elliot comes from a rich family so his friends say that we shouldn’t induct him into the British Gold Digger Hall of Fame just yet. Congratulations to Stephen and his new husband! Now Stephen can officially say, “No, he’s my husband, you cunt” to any trick who asks him if Elliot is his son. Today, the streets of Britain will be filled with the tears of twinks who were hoping to be Stephen’s next piece.
You would think that the messy two-year marriage he had with Tameka Foster would have soured Usher on the idea of getting hitched again, but it looks like time heals all car-scratchin’ wounds and he’s ready to do it again. According to B. Scott (via UsWeekly), multiple sources have confirmed that Usher (Usher Usher) is engaged to his manager and girlfriend Grace Miguel after she was spotted in Miami recently with a ring on THAT FINGER. Urshurr and Grace have apparently been together since he split from Tameka in 2009. A source says:
“She’s happy but they’re trying to keep it quiet.”
Well, that’s going to be sort of difficult, considering she’s been photographed with a massive rock on her hand. Nothing says “Please don’t ask me about my engagement” like wearing a big-ass Ask Me About My Engagement™ diamond. Although I’m sure Usher had to propose to Grace with a gerbil-sized engagement ring; I can imagine that it’s almost impossible for Grace to understand Usher’s high-pitched dog whistle voice when he gets excited, so it helps to have a ring that can do the talking for him. Plus, she’s his manager – she knows how much money he makes. So it’s not like he can show up with a $300 number from Jared. “Oh, this is it? I didn’t realize you could use more work. I’ll get right on that.”
And I wonder if Usher will ask Justin Bieber to be in the wedding party? I think he’s old enough to handle the responsibilities that come with being a ring bearer.
Well, it really happened. Our slut sensei (slutsei?) and peen-chasing idol, Cameron Diaz, is officially out of the game and has hung her vagina up on Benji Madden’s dick for now. Cameron had a legendary run and she did us mega sluts proud, but I guess there comes a time in every slut’s life when they have to let their fuck parts breathe a bit and settle down. This is why I weep. Leonardo DiCaprio better not even think of settling down, because he’s the slut hero we need now more than ever!
Earlier when Allison wrote about how florists and shit were setting up at Cameron’s house in Beverly Hills, I thought that maybe just maybe she would realize that there’s more peen in the sea, get cold
feet cooch and pull a Runaway Bride. But that didn’t happen. Cameron really did get married to the dude who wet humped on Parasite Hilton regularly. Benji and Cameron have been doing each other full-time since May and they got engaged 2 seconds ago. They gave this statement to People:
“We couldn’t be happier to begin our new journey together surrounded by our closest family and friends.”
Begin our new journey together?! What kind of lovey-dovey shit?
UsWeekly says that Cameron’s bridesmaids were Drew Barrymore, her new sister-in-law Nicole Richie, her assistant and her sister Chimène. (Side note: Cameron may be the richest Diaz sister, but Chimène is the Diaz sister with the hottest first name.) Benji and Cameron’s guests included Goopy Paltrow, Samantha Ronson, Robin Antin, Reese Witherspoon and a bunch of other rich Hollywood types who can party hard on a Monday night without worrying about calling in sick to their job the next day.
Congratulations to Cameron and Benji. And congratulations to psychology students specializing in dickmatization. They now have a case to write their thesis about.
Holy crap, that was fast. After dating for all of 3 seconds and being engaged for 0.05 seconds, UsWeekly says that Cameron Diaz will make the humanoid Tech Deck logo Benji Madden her first husband tonight. Slow down Cammy; it’s not The Amazing Race. Just because you didn’t get tired of him after the first 24-hours doesn’t mean he’s “the one”. Or does it? Someone ask relationship expert Steve Harvey.
According to UsWeekly, you better get your ass to Bed Bath & Beyond and pick up a monogrammed toaster or whatever, because Cameron and Benji hosted a rehearsal dinner last night in Beverly Hills, which means they are for real getting married. Not much else in known, like where it’s happening (I’m guessing either on the beach or inside the Hot Topic at the Glendale Galleria), if Benji will wear dirty Chuck Taylors with his tuxedo (he will), or who is invited. But all I really care about is whether or not someone made Cammy a custom wedding cake covered in fondant penises that spells out “Bye girl! We’ll miss you!”
But Cammy can’t get married yet – she never even had a bachelorette party! How do I know she didn’t? Trust me, if she had one, there would have been a major spike in cases of male stripper-related exhaustion. And since I haven’t heard of any male strippers with PTSD from hearing that horny bitch Cameron Diaz scream “CAMMY DEMANDS MORE DICKS!“, I will assume it never happened. Or maybe she plans on holding her bachelorette party after the wedding? That would be the smart thing to do.
The kid from 3rd Rock From The Sun (or as I know him as, DJ’s annoying ass friend on Roseanne) got married in a SHHH ceremony a few days before Christmas. If I knew that Joseph Gordon-Levitt had a girlfriend, then I completely forgot about that information and it was obviously removed from the battered metal memory cabinet in my brain and replaced with more important information like the middle names of the Property Brothers (it’s Silver and Alfred, by the way). Even though I really don’t know anything about JGL’s new wife, I can say that she’s a major catch, because think of the things she can do with those fingers dangling out of her crotch.
Yesterday, People EXCLUSIVO-LEY confirmed that JGL married his girlfriend Tasha McCauley at their home on December 20th. That’s pretty much all they know. JGL has said before that his girlfriend isn’t a Hollywood type and doesn’t want to be in that scene. Tasha McCauley is the founder and CEO of Fellow Robots, a robotics company that is based at NASA Research Park in the Silicon Valley.
I was going to call JGL the young George Clooney since he married a non-celebrity who is smart in the brain, but I can’t call him that. Because I don’t ever remember seeing video of JGL and Tasha fame whoring it up for the paps they called while waving from a boat before their publicity event of a wedding.
Pic: Pacific Coast News
This weekend truly did belong to the gay wedding and the weekend isn’t over yet so I could get married to my Anderson Cooper cutout in the drive-thru driveway of an In-N-Out. Stay tuned.
Before Lance Bass married his piece of 3 years Michael Turchin at the Park Plaza Hotel in L.A. last night, he Instagrammed that picture along with the caption:
Today I marry the man of my dreams. He makes me smile; he makes my heart melt; he makes me….me.
Judging by that picture, I think Lance meant to type: “Today Michael is lucky enough to marry the man of his and my dreams. I make him smile. I make me smile. I make his heart melt. I make my heart melt. #MichaelLovesLance #LanceLovesLance.” I mean, nothing says mutual love like a picture of Lance Bass loving himself in front of the camera while his man worships his chin and hangs onto him like some accessory. But seriously…
Elton John had David Beckham and Lulu at his wedding and that’s nice and everything, but Lance Bass’ wedding was a truly star-studded event! The Who’s Who of WHO? was there including JC Chasez, Joey Fatone, Chris Kirkpatrick, Lisa Vanderpump (who dragged her tortured fur accessory with her), Pimp Mama Kris, Gabourey Sidibe, AJ McClean, melting wax puppet Robin Antin, Martyn Lawrence Bullard from Million Dollar Decorators, Christina Applegate, Jason Collins and Jamie-Lynn Sigler who co-officiated the ceremony with JoAnna Garcia Swisher.
Justin Timberlake couldn’t make it, because: a) He probably thinks he’s too good for that shit and; b) He had to work. He’s on tour.
People says that guests were told to dress like they were “going to a royal wedding at the MET Ball.” I don’t really know what that means, but after looking at the pictures of what the guests were wearing I’m guessing it means look as messy and tacky as possible. The wedding was designed by planner Sharon Sacks who did Kim Kartrashian and Kris Humphries’ wedding and also did Kim Kartrashian and Kanye’s wedding.
Lance and Michael’s wedding was shot for an E! special titled Lance Loves Michael: The Lance Bass Wedding. It will air in February. Oh God, Lance, what are you doing?! He gets married in front of E!’s cameras, used Kim Kartrashian’s wedding planner and invited Pimp Mama Kris?! That’s one way for Lance Bass to guarantee that his marriage doesn’t last more than 72 days.