Normally when you’re thinking of making it legal with another person, you ask questions to make sure you’re compatible with each other. Stuff like “Would you say you like or love Shahs of Sunset?” or “In your opinion, how many bottles of wine is too many?” Once you get all the important shit out of the way, you move on to the boring questions like “Do you have a secret wife?” or “How many secret wives do you currently have?” Unfortunately, Bristol Palin’s mama was too busy practicing her smile-n-wink in the mirror to teach her daughter basic relationship 101, and now Bristol has once again found herself in the middle of some messy marriage drama.
Back in March, 24-year-old Bristol announced that she was engaged to a 26-year-old U.S. Marine named Dakota Meyer, and they were planning on getting hitched on Memorial Day Weekend. Then it got all kinds of Palin-y last week when it was revealed that Dakota Meyer may already have a wife. A friend of Bristol’s fiancé’s secret wife’s sister came forward and ratted his ass out, claiming that he got married in Kentucky when he was 19 and they still might be technically married.
After nine months of bumping fuck parts and three months of being engaged, fake vampires Ian Somerhalder and Nikki Reed got married in Malibu, CA yesterday. I hear all you bitter bitches putting your money into the their divorce pool. Put me down for six months.
E! News says that Ian and Nikki got married in front of family and friends including Lea Michele and her piece. Guests were asked to donate to Ian and Nikki’s favorite animal charity instead of getting them gifts and that’s nice of them. If I was Nikki’s friend or family member, I’d be pissed if I had to go out and buy her a VitaMix or some shit, knowing that I’m going to get it back in a few weeks when her marriage eats shit. No, that will never ever happen. Ian and Nikki will be together forever, because they never fight! Nikki told People a couple of months ago that they only fight about one thing. If you didn’t think it was humanly possible to roll your eyes and dry heave at the same time, this quote will prove you wrong:
“He thinks his eyes are ocean blue and I think they’re aqua.”
I disagree with both of them. I think his eyes are the color of the barf I throw up when I drink a Blue Raspberry Slurpee right before reading that quote again.
The Daily Mail has completely crystal clear pictures of Ian and Nikki frolicking in their wedding clothes and I’m pretty sure those pictures were taken with a sweet potato (the sweet potato is the next model up from a potato) attached to a drone. This is 26 year-old Nikki’s second time at marriage. Her divorce to her first husband of 2 and a half years Paul McDonald was finalized this year. This is 36-year-old Ian Summerhalter’s first time at being married. Some hating prude haters are throwing a side-eye at Nikki, but I’m slow clapping for her. She is well on her way to building a huge engagement and wedding ring collection and if she keeps growing her collection it could be worth millions by the time she’s 65. She doesn’t need a 401k! Suze Orman should truly take note.
Paramedics are going to busy today, because some old ladies are going to get two of the biggest shocks of their lives when they find out that their heterosexual sex god in a satin blazer actually likes dick and married his longtime partner.
Hearts Pacemakers will break today. Don’t tell them about John Travolta. They can only handle so much today.
The American journal of pure integrity The National Enquirer was the first to report that 71-year-old Barry Manilow and his 66-year-old business manager/longtime partner in peen Garry Kief became husband and husband at their estate in Palm Springs, CA last April. When I think of a Barry Manilow wedding, my head fills with glitter, because I think of groomsmen in sequined Copacabana outfits, a beautiful altar flanked with neon palm trees, mermaids doing a synchronized dance of love in the pool and guests gasping at the sight of Barry’s stunning wedding day wig. Basically, I picture an understated, casual day at Liberace’s house. But according to the source I have it all wrong, because the ‘arry’s wedding was intimate and low-key.
The source says that 50 of Barry and Garry’s friends and family were invited, but they weren’t told that a wedding was happening. They all believed they were coming over for a lunch. Barry’s assistant Marc Hulett officiated the ceremony and Suzanne Somers was the best man. The original Clay Aiken was so paranoid about people finding out about the ceremony that he and Garry didn’t even sign any paperwork, so they’re not legally married. Oh, Barry!
“Barry has lived a very secretive life and the wedding was no different! Barry and Garry did not tell friends or family that the occasion was their wedding. It was a beautiful wedding and consummated their lifelong love affair!
Barry is paranoid that his fans would not approve of him being gay, when in reality, many have suspected it for years – and most wouldn’t care. They would be happy for him!”
The people who don’t know that Barry Manilow is gay are the same people who ask me in a serious voice if I have a girlfriend. Their gaydars are the wind up kind and the clockwork motor broke a long ass time ago. Barry and Garry should come out with their love, because the source is right, most Fanilows probably wouldn’t care that he’s gay. In fact, some of them would be relieved. They’ve been saving their vagina for him and after they find out that they really have no chance in hell with him, they’ll run out and get them some dick. Barry would be giving them the gift of dick and that’s a beautiful, beautiful gift.
Here’s Barry’s best man with her man at some event in Las Vegas a couple of weeks ago.
I believe this is what’s known as playing America on expert level. The State Journal-Register (via NYDN) says that last week, a 24-year-old dude from Illinois named Joel Burger proposed to his 23-year-old girlfriend Ashley King. Almost immediately, people started referring to it as the Burger-King wedding, because – DUH – that’s their names. But then the actual Burger King caught wind that a Burger-King wedding was happening, and they offered to foot the bill for the future Mr. and Mrs. Burger-King. A spokesperson for BK says:
“When we heard about the happy Burger-King couple, we felt an overwhelming urge to celebrate their upcoming marriage. On so many levels, it felt like fate. They found each other and their story found us.”
In case you’ve forgotten, this isn’t the first time Burger King has wanted to be a part of someone’s wedding.
A wedding paid for by Burger King is good, but what would really make this story great is if Joel Burger and Ashley King decided to have their wedding in a Burger King. It would be perfect! They could walk down the “aisle” (aka a bunch of WET FLOOR signs covered in ketchup-soaked carpet) to a choir of teenagers singing “Have It Your Way“. The ceremony could be conducted by The Burger King himself – or if he’s too busy, his wife, The Dairy Queen. The bride could staple a veil to her paper Burger King crown, and instead of exchanging wedding rings, they could use onion rings. Everybody knows the best jewelery is the kind you can eat.
Meanwhile, somewhere in the San Fernando Valley, I’m sure two recently engaged porn stars are now trying to get their wedding sponsored by In-N-Out.
Even though the Valentine’s Day wedding of human-looking alien royalty Benedict Cumberbatch and his knocked-up human girlfriend Sophie Hunter was the intergalactic high society event of the year, no pictures of the event were ever released, which means only the most important of extraterrestrial aristocracy got to see Benedict float down the aisle in his custom-made lizard suit. However, since Sophie is still a human person, she invited VOGUE along with her to one of her gown fittings so us regulars could see what she would look like on her wedding day.
Valentino, the tricks who made her dress, recently revealed a picture of Sophie shot by Annie Leibovitz modeling her wedding gown, and it’s pretty much what I expected Benedict Cumberbatch’s human bride would wear. It’s silver (the official color of martians and flying saucers), it has a swirly design (to mimic the sky above Benedict’s home planet), and it covers 95% of her body (to help protect her human skin from the toxic residue that will rub off on her when she hugs one of Benedict’s relatives).
But now I really want to know what Benedict wore! Did he try to appear human by wearing a boring old tuxedo, or did he bring that X-Files metal examination table unknown species glamour? I guess I’ll just have to wait for this month’s issue of VLORP (alien VOGUE) to arrive in the mail.
Speaking of, here’s Benedict Cumberbatch looking like a real human person while walking to work yesterday morning:
Pics: Instagram, Wenn.com
UsWeekly says that after dating for close to four years, come-to-life last-minute art school project Lady Gaga and her hot pretend fireman boyfriend Taylor Kinney are engaged. According to Times Herald-Record editor Barry Lewis, Taylor proposed to Gaga on Valentine’s Day and they celebrated their engagement by going to dinner at her father’s restaurant, Joanne Trattoria (how very subtle of you, Gaga).
Since Lady Gaga is the fame whore to end all fame whores, I assumed she’d have posted at least 13 half-naked engagement ring selfies to Instagram by now, but so far she’s only posted one, and there’s not a single tit or ass cheek in sight:
But there is a giant-ass tacky ring. What the hell kind of high school gumball machine heart-shaped promise ring foolery is this? I’m sure that diamond costs more than my face, but it sort of screams: “He went to Jared…and then realized he didn’t have enough money, so he stole something from Walmart”. It looks like a fancied-up version of the ring that came with a bottle of Hard Candy nail polish. Then again, it’s Lady Gaga, so a heart-shaped diamond is a surprisingly tasteful choice, considering it was probably a toss-up between that, or a single anal bead set in a tied-off condom filled with spider jizz and dipped in 24K gold.
I know I’m supposed to think it’s super romantic that Taylor proposed on Valentine’s Day with a heart-shaped ring, but that shit is cheesy as hell. The only way it could have been any cheesier is if Taylor had tied the ring around the neck of a giant stuffed gorilla or hid it in a molten chocolate lava cake. Why do I get the feeling that somewhere in New York, a jeweler is cleaning chocolate goo out of that ring?
It’s a dark, dark day for the Cumberbitches today. According to People, Kif Kroker’s cousin Benedict Cumberbatch made it legal with his knocked-up British girlfriend Sophie Hunter after being engaged for 3 months. A Valentine’s Day wedding? How very ‘I’m totally not an alien, I’m a legitimate human being’ of you, Benedict. Only a real human person would get married on Earth’s national love day! Even Smith Comma John is like “Too obvious, man.”
So far, not much is known about Eggs Benedict’s secret wedding, but People says they got married on the Isle of Wight at the parish church of St. Peter and St. Paul. Oooh, two saints? How fancy. Metro UK says his best man was his Sherlock co-star Martin Freeman, aka Bilbo Baggins, aka Tim Canterbury from The Office, and that Keira Knightley was one of the guests. No word on whether or not there was a procession of pengwings, but I choose to believe there was.
Eddie Redmayne better watch his back, because there’s only 3 days left before Oscar voting ends, and Benedict is making things happen. He got secret married, and I bet he can get Sophie to go into secret labor next. He’s from outer space, he can do these things! Eddie, you only have 3 days to one-up Benedict; my suggestion is adopting a litter of future seeing-eye puppies or getting knocked-up yourself. I know it’s not technically possible, but do you want the Oscar or not? Make it happen!
Well, you can officially start placing bets in the Johnny Depp and Amber Heard divorce pool, because these two are now married for real. Since I’m a believer in true love and can see that Johnny and Amber are always exuding rainbow-wrapped happiness when they’re together (see: picture above), I’m going to say that their break up date will be the 20th of NEVER. Or the week before her next movie opens. Either or.
Seen above looking like a constipated Mr. Peanut and Vintage Barbie, Johnny Depp and Amber Heard got married at his house in L.A. yesterday. E! News EXCLUSIVELY confirms it and that’s celebrity website talk for “Amber’s publicist told us.” The human gas station gift shop scarf tree and his young bride are going to get married again in a wedding on his private island in the Bahamas this weekend. The 51-year-old Johnny and 28-year-old Amber got engaged around the holidays in 2012. This is his second time being married and it’s her first. UsWeekly has a few riveting details:
An insider tells Us that the bride and groom married at Depp’s West Hollywood home on Tuesday, Feb. 3. They will next jet off to his private island in the Bahamas for a second service. ”It will be a really simple ceremony,” a source previously told Us of the tropical getaway. “Things are in a great place with them.”
I don’t know why they got married yesterday if they’re going to get married again this weekend. I’m guessing it’s a legal thing. Or they’re just greedy. Or one of them wanted to make it legal before the other one wakes up from their pill-induced haze and changes their mind. You decided which is which.
Congratulations to these two messes. Here’s to more pictures of them looking like Victorian mourners at a funeral.
One week after she announced that she was knocked-up with a tiny hand-crocheted ukelele-strumming vintage fetus, UsWeekly says that Zooey Deschanel is engaged to her baby daddy producer boyfriend Jacob Pechenik. Congrats, Zooey, you just hit the hipster wedding jackpot: adorable pregnant bride.
Zooey was married once before to Death Cab for Cutie singer Ben Gibbard from 2009 to 2011, but that ended due to “irreconcilable differences” (aka they couldn’t stop fighting over whose turn it was to sit cross-legged in the living room singing broody songs to no one in particular while they strummed on a second-hand acoustic guitar). But maybe Jacob really likes the never-ending sound of Christmas carols coming out of Zooey’s sing-hole, or he’s got a good set of noise-cancelling headphones and doesn’t care.
Baby Deschanel-Pechenik is due some time this summer, and UsWeekly doesn’t say when Zooey and Jacob are planning on getting married, but I’m going to guess it will be soon. Zooey strikes me as one of those old fashioned types that need a ring on their finger before they push out a kid, so I won’t be surprised to see a baby-bloated Zooey wrapped in 5 yards of thrift store lace curtains clutching ten wild daisies in one hand and a barf bag in the other as she shuffles down the aisle of a vintage bowling alley.
And I really want to see the quirky engagement ring Jacob proposed to her with. I know he’s only been with Zooey for about 6 months, so I hope he had enough time to find a taxidermied squirrel tooth set in an antique gold harmonica.
Never mind that the picture above looks like a pepaw beaming with pride over his grandson graduating from high school, British national treasure Stephen Fry is somebody’s husband for the first time. Stephen married stand-up comedian type Elliot Spencer in the Norfolk town of Dereham, England today. They’ve been dating for around a year. Finally, I’m bringing you news about an old millionaire marrying a young piece and the names Hugh Hefner or Jeff Goldblum aren’t involved.
Earlier this month, 57-year-old Stephen said in a tweet that he is marrying 27-year-old Elliot after someone leaked the news to The Sun. Stephen wouldn’t say when their wedding was going to happen. The Daily Mail says the two became husband and husband at the register office in Dereham. Stephen dropped the news on Twitter to his millions of followers and along with that picture, added two notes:
“Go into a room as two people…and leave as one.” Stephen makes it sound like he ate (not in the Marnie from Girls way) Elliot. Like I said in my post about their engagement, Elliot comes from a rich family so his friends say that we shouldn’t induct him into the British Gold Digger Hall of Fame just yet. Congratulations to Stephen and his new husband! Now Stephen can officially say, “No, he’s my husband, you cunt” to any trick who asks him if Elliot is his son. Today, the streets of Britain will be filled with the tears of twinks who were hoping to be Stephen’s next piece.