If you ever needed a sign that we’re living in some backwards times, it might possibly be the one-two punch we’ve experienced in the past few days. Donald Trump’s former late-night bestie Jimmy Fallon has finally become the enemy, while weirdo director David Lynch popped out of nowhere and outed himself as a possible fan. 72-year-old white men with logic-defying hair gotta stick together, I guess?
There are so many stories about Mel B’s soon-to-be ex-husband Stephen Belafonte allegedly being a top-shelf creep of the highest order, that you could make a wild guess about his life and not even come close to being correct. Go ahead, make one now! Think of the craziest shit Stephen Belafonte could be accused of. Okay, did you guess “forcing employees to watch ISIS beheading videos“? Well, that’s something that allegedly happened.
Even for a Katt Williams story, there’s a whole hell of a lot to unpack here, so let’s get right to it. TMZ says that Lil’ Suge Knight has been sued by a woman named Jamila Majesty who claims that two years ago Katt ordered a beat down on her after she used his bathroom. Who knew Katt was so territorial about his litter box?
Yep, you guessed it: even more Deep Thoughts, courtesy of wealthy teenage philosopher Jaden Smith. Will and Jada’s kid was recently named one of TIME magazine’s 30 Most Influential Teens of 2015, a list that also includes Kylie and Kendall Jenner, so…that should tell you everything you need to know about that. TIME also talked to Jaden, because apparently TIME wanted to get the kind of high that comes from a drug called “Jaden Smith opening his mouth and letting thoughts fall out.”
Jaden Smith clearly had some nuggets of potent crazy left over from his recent interview with GQ. So when TIME was ready, Jaden the Influential Teen asked them to find a comfortable spot on the floor away from any sharp objects, set their Facebook status to “Away“, and get ready to fly high on the physical manifestation of the word bonkers.
Just like that, every neurologist from here to Saturn just booked Rita Ora a comprehensive series of tests and CAT scans to determine how Rita Ora is operating without a working brain.
If you’re the type of person who thinks “Who?” every time they see the name Rita Ora, here’s another way to remember who Rita Ora is. The Gobot to Rihanna’s Transformer is friends with Chris Brown. That’s not typically something you’d ever want to be, let alone something you admit to people, but Rita Ora did just that during a recent interview with The Sun (via UsWeekly). Rita Ora is currently working on a song with Chris Brown, and she had some really nice things to say about him. Please note that none of this was said with a sarcastic tone in her voice:
“Chris Brown is strong, powerful, and someone that is important to me personally and professionally. The discrimination and all what people think? If you have a great song then no one cares. I love him on different levels. I see how he treats his people and he’s a good person with a good heart and a lovely family. It’s really nice that we finally got together because, regardless of what’s happened, the song is just amazing.”
Well, technically she’s not wrong. Chris Brown is strong (see: pushing his way into his ex-girlfriend’s car even when she didn’t want him there, etc, etc..), powerful (see: the amount of times I’ve gotten a pounding headache from reading the barely-coherent comments he leaves on Instagram, etc, etc..), and is someone who is very important to Rita Ora professionally (see: Rita Ora’s career as someone who pops up on songs as “featuring Rita Ora“). The only thing she’s not right about is the good heart part. If you slid Chris Brown into an X-ray, all you’d see is a coagulated clump of hair dye and rage where his heart used to be.
Here’s Team Breezy’s newest member trying to “hide” from the paps at Heathrow airport today. Somebody better alert Johnny Depp that Rita Ora has stolen his hat.
If you dumped out my purse (purse, drawstring Crown Royal bag – same thing, really), you’d find the following: a wallet held together with nude dude bandaids, keys, reading glasses, a partially melted lip balm, a prayer card with a picture of my personal lord and savior Nancy Hicks-Gribble, and 12 to 14 expired Egg McMuffin coupons. You know, the usual. But if you were to dump out former supermodel Elle Macpherson’s purse, you’d find a urine testing kit. Not maybe you’ll find a urine testing kit, but you’ll always find a urine testing kit. When asked by the London Evening Standard what the most surprising thing in her handbag, Elle answered:
“A pH balance urine tester kit to check that I’m in an alkaline state. I believe that most ailments come from having an acidic body.”
Upon hearing this news, Gwyneth Paltrow screamed “Yeah…well…I carry around a urine AND a feces test AND a thing that measures the alkalinity of my crusty eye boogers, even though I don’t really need it, because I know I’ll always be super basic.” And that right there is my only science-y sounding joke.
So basically (ha!), Elle Macpherson is doing piss tests pretty much every time she hits the ladies room. Damn, that’s a lot of work! Half the time I’m in a public washroom, I’m making sure I don’t drop anything into the toilet or pissing on the back of my shirt. The rest of the time is spent wrapping my hand in one of those paper toilet seat covers so I can use it as a little brush to clean all the pubes and pee droplets off the seat. I can’t imagine also adding self-imposed urine test into all that.
Of course, the Twilight Zone ending to all of this would be if Elle went to her doctor complaining of feeling sick and he informed her that she has a severe case of urine poisoning of the hands. What a twist!