After we learned this past week that both the CIA and the FBI believe that Russia interfered with the election to help Donald Trump win the White House, we’re ready for some cat tranquilizers!
We were also prepped for a Saturday Night Live sketch spoofing this whole sordid mess, which we got. In this era of fake news and the media inadvertently helping His Orange Badness win the presidency, the only news sources that people are actually paying attention to are SNL and that awful man’s tweets. At least one of them is intentionally funny.
In the sketch, Beck Bennett as Russia’s president Vladimir Putin comes tits out down the chimney to wish Trump a Merry Christmas. A crazy thin John Goodman shows up as Rex Tillerson (that’s the oil CEO that Trump chose for Secretary of State). In the sketch (as in life), he knows Vlad somewhat intimately. Broad strokes!
SNL also gifted us with Beck Bennett’s nipples. I didn’t mind that. Beck is kind of underrated in the nipples department. Look what this election has done! It’s rendered me pathetic and thirsty! I heard that, you in the back! No, I wasn’t already pathetic and thirsty (yeah, I was)! Nipples might be the only thing to get us through the next four years.
Watch SNL‘s latest Trump dig below.
NPR says that Steven Seagal, who is looking more and more like a nutsack with a Sharpie goatee drawn on it, is now a citizen of Russia and it’s all thanks to his sweet Russian boo Vladimir Putin. Steven has dreamed of becoming a Russian and today, Vladimir Putin made that dream come true by farting up a presidential degree that grants him citizenship. Putin has man-crushed on Steven for a while, and in 2013, Steven used their bro-mance to “open doors” for six U.S. Congressional members who wanted to visit Russia to learn more about the Boston Marathon bombing. Putin also wanted to make his Aikido-kicking American sweetheart an honorary consul, so that Steven could work as a go-between him and President Obama. In other words, Putin has a real leaky boner for Steven Seagal.
Seen above giving you “washed-up and dried out, crab infested red seaweed” hotness, Lindsay Lohan has been asked to talk about her messy wreck of a relationship with Egor Tarabasov on a talk show in Russia, and since she lives in a wet fart bubble of delusion where she thinks she’s a gigantic star, she’s asking for a whole lot. LiLo is a monkey funeral away from becoming the Norma Desmond of our time.
Lindsay Lohan, perhaps unsatisfied with the amount of attention that her most recent Instagram foolery (think “mail-order brides for peace“) afforded her, called her fiancé out for cheating in a multi-platform social media meltdown. In multiple posts, Linds begged her Russian millionaire betrothed Egor Tarabasov to come home from the club, and accused him of cheating on her with a Russian hooker. Isn’t that sort of thing how she met him? Oh, and she also claimed that she’s pregnant. I’ll wait while you microwave a breakfast burrito because a lot went down.