This might be the first time Amber Heard is scrunching up her nose because she thinks it looks cute and not because her nose hairs are violently cringing at Johnny Depp’s stank. Mark it in your calendars!
The last time human cigarette butt Johnny Depp and his midlife crisis wife strolled down the red carpet, he left behind a toxic trail of rancid hair grease and stinky tooth fumes, and the red carpet died. It was tragic. I guess Johnny was afraid of a future class action lawsuit if he killed any more red carpets with his grossness, because he showed up to The Art of Elysium’s 9th annual HEAVEN Gala last night in Los Angeles looking clean and showered. I know, I can’t believe it either.
I have no idea how this happened. Maybe he accidentally slipped into a soapy bathtub. Maybe he took a tour of the EPA head office in Washington and wandered into a decontamination room on his way to the men’s room. Or maybe this is actually an alien disguised to look like Johnny Depp, but the only reference it had to go off of was a 15-year-old VHS copy of Chocolat. Yeah, that’s got to be it.
Since Johnny Depp took a temporary break (I’m sure he’ll be back to looking like the dirty reusable rag from a truck stop hand dryer in no time) from being the unofficial red carpet mess, Ed Westwick generously stepped up and filled in.
I have no idea why the douchey dude from Gossip Girl is dressed like “The Older One” from a late-90s boy band, but it’s happening. If I had to guess more about Ed’s boy band persona based off of this look, I’d say his nickname is either Shaydz or Sensual D, and his signature music video dance move is intensely staring into the camera while doing prayer hands.
Here’s more from last night’s Art of Elysium event, including some of special guest Vivienne Westwood, who legit looks like an alien and isn’t trying to hide it.
Based on that headline alone, we can all agree that everything that Vivienne Westwood says is:
Dame Vivienne Westwood, the fashion designer whose (NSFW alert) naked ginger body was my iPhone wallpaper for weeks, is back with more advice on fashion and food for the peasants. Damn Viv (typo and it stays) once said that the poors should buy less clothes, meaning that instead of buying a $6 t-shirt at H&M, poors should save up to buy a $50 better quality t-shirt instead. Great advice, Damn Viv! Dame Vivi is a vegetarian and has long campaigned for not using chemicals in food. During an interview with Dino Sofos on BBC Radio 5 (via The Daily Mail) about a letter she delivered to the British government from “millions” of people who are sick of genetically modified food, Dame Vivi said that people who can’t afford to buy organic, should still buy organic but just buy less of it. So instead of buying a cartful of food from your regular grocery store, buy a tiny basketful of organic shit from Whole Foods instead! Once again, Dame Vivi spit out some great advice that everybody who can’t afford organic appreciates! What would we do without her wisdom?