NBC Rebooting Old Lady Series “Murder, She Wrote” With Decidedly Not-Old Lady Octavia Spencer

I regret bringing up Jessica Fletcher’s name yesterday, because now I have the creepy feeling I brought this story upon myself (some say you can summon a malevolent Angela Lansbury by saying ‘Jessica Fletcher’ three times in the mirror while a friend hums ‘Beauty and the Beast’). In a move reminiscent of a lazy kid who cleans his room by shoving everything under the bed, Deadline reports that NBC threw up its arms in a very I-Give-Up fashion and decided to reboot Murder, She Wrote with Angela Lansbury being replaced by Academy Award-winner Octavia Spencer.

In case you’re not familiar with Murder, She Wrote (and may god have mercy on your soul) it was about a mystery writer named Jessica Fletcher who starts solving murders in her small town of Cabot Cove, Maine. It aired for 12 seasons (because old people refuse to let anything go) and finally ended when Angela Lansbury got tired of living in a fake town with a higher murder rate than Honduras, and retired to sucking on Werther’s Originals all day long on the lanai.

But the real tragedy here isn’t that they’re updating Murder, She Wrote for a newer audience (@JessicaFletcher: OMG so many murders, I’ll never b unemployed again #blessed) it’s that they think Octavia Spencer is old enough to play a widowed retired English teacher. Octavia Spencer is only 43. In what shitty world would you look at someone like Octavia Spencer and think “Yeah, she can play an AARP member”. Oh right, Hollywood.

(Pic via Wenn)

Douchebag: Now In Bloated And Rippled

At the CMT Music Awards in Nashville last night, John Mayer and The Situation competed in some kind of douche-off by lifting up their shirts. The Situation does get extra points for having a belly button that looks like a dehydrated no-no hole, but John Mayer easily wins this shit.

Not only is John pushing his shit out on purpose, but his peen hole is also blowing out hot air to make his bulge area look bulgier. Well douched! And I bet there wasn’t a dirty vagina in the place.

The Guido Kingdom Is Going Into Foreclosure

Victoria GAUDY’s Long Island mafia castle is going into foreclosure, because her raggedy ass owes $650,000. The Gottis lived in the mansion during filming of Growing Up Gotti. The New York Daily News says that Victoria hasn’t made one single payment to Chase in over two years. The six-acre property is listed at $3 million, marked down from $4 million. The bodies buried in the backyard are included!

Victoria blames the whole thing on her ex-husband, Carmine Agnello. She said that he took a $856,000 loan against the house with her knowing about it. Victoria went on to yap, “I won a house that was a booby prize riddled with debt.”

This mess would’ve been easily averted! The Gottis should’ve stopped using hairspray, bronzer, fake tan diarrhea, peroxide and lip gloss for one week and they would’ve have enough money saved to pay off the damn bank! I almost added “eyebrow waxing” to that list, but that should always be priority #1!

Viva Hollywood: Get With The Gay Program!

Viva Hollywood is a fucking mess. You know that any show with Walter Mercado AND Maria Conchita Alonso is a ride on the tacky train.

Last night, the contestants were forced to do sexy scenes with each other. Vinci and Berto were told they had to play gay. Vinci flipped out and locked himself in the bathroom like a little bitch. The guest coach, Cristian de la Fuente, had to talk Vinci out of the bathroom. Cristian told him this was all part of acting and went on to say, “sometimes I have to do scenes with 60-year-old women.” Cristian is talking about Dixie Carter! He had to sex her hot ass on “Family Law.”

Anuway, Vinci cried about it and wanted to go home. Dude needed to wipe those tears, bend over and take it like a real gay. If he wants to make it in Hollywood, he’s probably going to have to suck dick for real. What if Bryan Singer said to him, “Toss my salad and I’ll make you the next Superman.” Is he going to cry about it or is he going to turn his tongue into tongs and start tossing?

In the end, the scene worked out and Berto won the challenge for playing gay.

You might remember Vinci from that MTV shit show “8th and Ocean.” He was an annoying douce then and he’s an annoying douche now.

Below is the clip of Vinci crying about having to play homo:

Guido Music In The Morning

Heidi Montag’s “Higher‘ has finally been retired as my new ringtone by Carmine Gotti Agnello’s “Young, Hot Rich.” Yes, THAT Gotti. I don’t know whether to poop, laugh, cry, vomit or all of the above. I still can’t get it out of my fucking head. I have the sudden urge to get a spray tan and Depp gel up my hair.

I tried to get all the lyrics down, but I was too busy laughing my ass off. This is actually the perfect 420 companion. Here’s some sample lyrics to help you get the gist of Carmine’s skills:

“I’m young hot, I’m a typical flirt
But I’ll put the flowers on you like a tropical shirt”

“Don’t leave your girl ’round me
Unless you want your girl’s lips to be around C”

“Hot on blabba
Stay up all night, I don’t need Viagra
Girls just want to show me off
Dudes don’t got balls enough to blow me off
I’m rich and underaged
Still spendin all the money that grandpa’s spade“

At the end of the day, I would still do Carmine. WELL! He’ll put flowers on me like a tropical shirt and tropical shirts are pretty!

VIA ONTD