Attention enthusiasts know that the Emmys are a tasteful affair; you’ve got to balance out your ass with some class. Thankfully, Ariel Winter showed everyone last night how to do it. Ariel came in a dress by Steven Khalil featuring not one, but two crotch-high leg slits. Angelina, who? I’m sure her dress was very expensive, so for those of you hoping to find the look for less, I would probably suggest Craigslist the day after the next AVN awards.
Actually, that’s not true. Time magazine seems a bit too stuffy and uptight to partner with such a sexy retailer. But that didn’t stop model Ashley Graham from slinking onto the red carpet of the annual Time 100 Gala in New York City last night in a silk nightie and robe combo. Oh, and a corset belt and jeweled choker, because Ashley clearly knows the difference between a proper formal lingerie look and looking like you just woke up from an afternoon catnap in your sugar daddy’s mansion.
We all know that when it comes to dressing for the Oscars, everyone takes it very seriously. They put on a tux or fancy gown that definitely didn’t come with a check attached to the garment bag. Most of the time the result is a one-way ticket to Zzzzzz town (see: a good 75% of the looks from last night). But then everyone gets to let loose at Vanity Fair’s annual Oscar afterparty and put on what they really want to wear (see: The Gold Standard). Like many people at the Vanity Fair party, Diane Kruger wasn’t at the Oscars and she showed up wearing that.
When I woke up this morning, I told myself that two sure things were going to happen today: 1. I am going to end the night drunkenly crying at the bottom of a hot shower. 2. Viola Davis is going to win the Best Supporting Actress Oscar. The second one happened tonight (and the first one will happen later, I’m sure).
Even though CATEGORY FRAUD WAS COMMITTED, Viola finally won an Oscar tonight for Fences and she deserved it 100%, because nobody can snot cry on cue like she can. Viola said in her speech, “I became an artist, and thank God I did, because we are the only profession who celebrates what it means to live a life.” Um, with all due respect, Viola Davis obviously doesn’t know of a profession called “burger maker at In-N-Out,” because they put pure life between two buns every single day.
Viola won an Emmy for How To Get Away With Murder, she’s won two Tonys for Fences and King Hedley II and she won an Oscar tonight. Well, if her Oscars speech tonight was released as an album, she’d definitely win a Grammy next year and the EGOT would be hers! That’s if fucking Adele doesn’t release an album this year.
We’ve been shitting up post after post from last night’s Adele Appreciation Ceremony (Featuring Adele Appreciating Beyonce), but another awards show happened yesterday. Two weeks before Hollywood gets dressed up in $15,000 gowns to lick each other’s taints and jack one another off at the Oscars, they got into $15,000 gowns to lick each other’s taints and jack one another off at the BAFTAs last night.
Viola Davis, who won the Best Supporting Actress Golden Globe for Fences, presented Meryl Streep with the Cecil B. DeMille award at the GGs tonight and her introduction was some Tony Award-worthy shit. Viola delivered several layers of THEATER! I wondered how Meryl Streep herself was going to follow that up, and then she went up to the mic and snatched the road kill carcass on Donald Trump’s head without even saying his name.