It’s Day 4 of Candyass-ageddon, the event where The Rock unleashed a blind item unto the world about one of “candy ass” co-stars of Fast 8. It didn’t take long before we discovered that the candy ass in question was fellow oiled-up low-voiced buff baldy Vin Diesel. After The Rock subtly exposed VD’s candy ass, they allegedly got together to work things out, but that didn’t go anywhere and Vin got out of there as soon as he wrapped shooting. Well, when Vin got home, he curled up on a bed and filmed a little Instagram video where he commented on the situation. As expected, Vin subtly slapped back at The Rock before hinting that he had some shit to spill.
After hearing that The Rock’s Instagram takedown of a Fast 8 co-star was about Vin Diesel, you most likely spent the entire night staring at the ceiling of your bedroom, because how could you close your eyelids and go mimis knowing that a millionaire boulder sculpture hates another millionaire boulder sculpture? You couldn’t! Well, prepare to spend another sleepless night counting the specks of glitter on your popcorn ceiling, because I can smell what The Rock is cooking and it’s still beef. (And I’m assuming you’re the kind of classy bitch who has glitter popcorn ceiling.)
The Rock’s Instagram blind item about a chicken shit candy ass who is a pain in his muscled-up nalgas has been solved! In case you don’t know about today’s biggest mystery, The Rock called out a Fast 8 co-star for being an unprofessional dick with an ass so sweet that it’ll give you cavities. Well, according to TMZ’s sources, Vin Diesel is the candy ass in question. (Side note: “Candy ass” is not to be confused with my nickname, “Chewed-Up Taffy Ass.”) The Rock is obviously just jealous of Vin, because he wishes he held the self-appointed title of The Best Body In New York City For Decades.
Puppy-saving human Redwood tree trunk The Rock dropped a beautiful blind item on Instagram yesterday when he went in on a chicken shit actor (or actors) who pissed him off more than seeing a number higher than 7% on a body fat calculator does. The Rock is finishing up shooting the 133,459th Fast & Furious movie, and in his goodbye note on Instagram, he praised his lady-co stars and also praised a few of his dude co-stars before taking an angry shit on unprofessional candy asses. And when The Rock shits on you, it leaves a bruise, because his turds have 12-packs and biceps.
I was going to file this under “A Check Is A Check,” but that muscled-up dork in a leather vest looks so naturally excited about Street Sharks that he’d probably peddle them for free.
The Internet pulled out this clip from 1994 of a 27-year-old Vin Diesel getting a nerd boner while hyping up Street Sharks at a toy fair. Vin already won my love by looking like he’s going to meet his bros at Rawhide afterward, but he really got me with his selling skills:
And I love the way he described Boomer as being a “round mound of pound” who has the “biggest mouth of them all” and loves to “tenderize.” Does anybody have Boomer’s Grindr name?
In the voice of Stefon: New York’s hottest bod is Vin Diesel!
When pictures of Vin Diesel’s topless body on a balcony made the rounds and he got the “dad bod” label, he spit back by Instagramming the above picture of him sucking in so hard that he probably broke a few ribs. I thought that was that, but then Complex brought it up during an interview and Vin dismissed the hating asshole body shamers who made fun of his “dad bod,” because he knows that if there were a Best Bod Olympics, he’d win every gold medal and then some. So the haters can chew on his outie.
Like you step out, and it’s like, “Diesel is not wearing a shirt!“
It’s like, dad bod goes viral. Like really?
I am very here for the dad bod, just FYI.
I get it, you know? I mean, a) I don’t have to be in front of the camera for a couple months and b) I really am a dad.
So, literally dad bod.
I have lots of kids, but you know, how do I feel about the invasion? That sneaky invasion of privacy feels weird. That’s not right. How do I feel about people being so focused on that? I’m okay because I’ve had the best body in New York City for decades. There is no love lost there for me. I sing on my Facebook. You don’t get more dangerous than that, right?
Vin could be spitting out jokes, but if he wasn’t joking, then I’m going to guess that those pictures of him on the balcony were taken just as his inflated ego inflated some more. And I don’t know if I’d say that Vin Diesel has had the best body in NYC for DECADES, but I will say that he’s definitely in the running for the best posing skills in NYC.
Pin-Up Vinnie should’ve done that hot sexy pose in his Instagram message to the haters, because that really would’ve shut them up. They would’ve been too busy trying to put the fire out in their loins to say shit. Speaking of fiery loins, here’s Vin doing an impersonation of a naked Prince Hot Ginge at the London premiere of The Last Witch Hunter the other night.