When we last left the too-much-testosterone, chest-puffing fight between Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Vin Diesel, The Rock made a big show on Instagram of thanking everyone he worked with on Fast 8. Everyone except for candy ass Vin Regular Gasoline, that is! It was not exactly a smart thing to do when Vin Diesel had just threatened to expose The Rock. But it sounds like Vin Diesel has decided to stop the pettiness and be the bigger man. Not literally, of course; I’m pretty sure science would have to discover a mutated strain of HGH for either of them to get any bigger.
It’s Day 4 of Candyass-ageddon, the event where The Rock unleashed a blind item unto the world about one of “candy ass” co-stars of Fast 8. It didn’t take long before we discovered that the candy ass in question was fellow oiled-up low-voiced buff baldy Vin Diesel. After The Rock subtly exposed VD’s candy ass, they allegedly got together to work things out, but that didn’t go anywhere and Vin got out of there as soon as he wrapped shooting. Well, when Vin got home, he curled up on a bed and filmed a little Instagram video where he commented on the situation. As expected, Vin subtly slapped back at The Rock before hinting that he had some shit to spill.
After hearing that The Rock’s Instagram takedown of a Fast 8 co-star was about Vin Diesel, you most likely spent the entire night staring at the ceiling of your bedroom, because how could you close your eyelids and go mimis knowing that a millionaire boulder sculpture hates another millionaire boulder sculpture? You couldn’t! Well, prepare to spend another sleepless night counting the specks of glitter on your popcorn ceiling, because I can smell what The Rock is cooking and it’s still beef. (And I’m assuming you’re the kind of classy bitch who has glitter popcorn ceiling.)
The Rock’s Instagram blind item about a chicken shit candy ass who is a pain in his muscled-up nalgas has been solved! In case you don’t know about today’s biggest mystery, The Rock called out a Fast 8 co-star for being an unprofessional dick with an ass so sweet that it’ll give you cavities. Well, according to TMZ’s sources, Vin Diesel is the candy ass in question. (Side note: “Candy ass” is not to be confused with my nickname, “Chewed-Up Taffy Ass.”) The Rock is obviously just jealous of Vin, because he wishes he held the self-appointed title of The Best Body In New York City For Decades.
Puppy-saving human Redwood tree trunk The Rock dropped a beautiful blind item on Instagram yesterday when he went in on a chicken shit actor (or actors) who pissed him off more than seeing a number higher than 7% on a body fat calculator does. The Rock is finishing up shooting the 133,459th Fast & Furious movie, and in his goodbye note on Instagram, he praised his lady-co stars and also praised a few of his dude co-stars before taking an angry shit on unprofessional candy asses. And when The Rock shits on you, it leaves a bruise, because his turds have 12-packs and biceps.
I was going to file this under “A Check Is A Check,” but that muscled-up dork in a leather vest looks so naturally excited about Street Sharks that he’d probably peddle them for free.
The Internet pulled out this clip from 1994 of a 27-year-old Vin Diesel getting a nerd boner while hyping up Street Sharks at a toy fair. Vin already won my love by looking like he’s going to meet his bros at Rawhide afterward, but he really got me with his selling skills:
And I love the way he described Boomer as being a “round mound of pound” who has the “biggest mouth of them all” and loves to “tenderize.” Does anybody have Boomer’s Grindr name?