Vin Diesel recently did an interview with a Brazilian YouTuber named Carol Moreira to promote his latest 2-hour grunt fest, xXx: The Return of Xander Cage. Vin Diesel looks kind of like an anthropomorphic penis, which is entirely fitting, since he acted like a throbbing erection through most of the interview. Unfortunately, Vin was too boner blinded to realize that Carol the YouTuber wasn’t having it.
The Rock v. Vin Diesel beef mostly smelled like candy, ass and boiled Muscle Milk, but if you put your nostrils close enough to it, you’d swear that you could also smell the scent of STUNT (which smells like every Taylor Swift perfume mixed together). Life & Style says that you smelled right. Their sources claim that the two buff billiard balls do have their differences, but they decided to take their feud, pull its pants down and shoot its ass up with gallons of steroids. They are playing up their beef so they can “have it out” in a WWE match that will promote Fast 8. Fast 8 opens on April 14, 2017 and WrestleMania 33 is happening on April 2, 2017.
When we last left the too-much-testosterone, chest-puffing fight between Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Vin Diesel, The Rock made a big show on Instagram of thanking everyone he worked with on Fast 8. Everyone except for candy ass Vin Regular Gasoline, that is! It was not exactly a smart thing to do when Vin Diesel had just threatened to expose The Rock. But it sounds like Vin Diesel has decided to stop the pettiness and be the bigger man. Not literally, of course; I’m pretty sure science would have to discover a mutated strain of HGH for either of them to get any bigger.
It’s Day 4 of Candyass-ageddon, the event where The Rock unleashed a blind item unto the world about one of “candy ass” co-stars of Fast 8. It didn’t take long before we discovered that the candy ass in question was fellow oiled-up low-voiced buff baldy Vin Diesel. After The Rock subtly exposed VD’s candy ass, they allegedly got together to work things out, but that didn’t go anywhere and Vin got out of there as soon as he wrapped shooting. Well, when Vin got home, he curled up on a bed and filmed a little Instagram video where he commented on the situation. As expected, Vin subtly slapped back at The Rock before hinting that he had some shit to spill.
After hearing that The Rock’s Instagram takedown of a Fast 8 co-star was about Vin Diesel, you most likely spent the entire night staring at the ceiling of your bedroom, because how could you close your eyelids and go mimis knowing that a millionaire boulder sculpture hates another millionaire boulder sculpture? You couldn’t! Well, prepare to spend another sleepless night counting the specks of glitter on your popcorn ceiling, because I can smell what The Rock is cooking and it’s still beef. (And I’m assuming you’re the kind of classy bitch who has glitter popcorn ceiling.)
The Rock’s Instagram blind item about a chicken shit candy ass who is a pain in his muscled-up nalgas has been solved! In case you don’t know about today’s biggest mystery, The Rock called out a Fast 8 co-star for being an unprofessional dick with an ass so sweet that it’ll give you cavities. Well, according to TMZ’s sources, Vin Diesel is the candy ass in question. (Side note: “Candy ass” is not to be confused with my nickname, “Chewed-Up Taffy Ass.”) The Rock is obviously just jealous of Vin, because he wishes he held the self-appointed title of The Best Body In New York City For Decades.