We’re finally ending our never-ending Oscar coverage today and the best way to end it is with some man pieces who were probably suffocating in their nut-hugging pants and wanted to take it all off halfway through the show. They should’ve. It would’ve made that mess a hundred million times better and awakened all my senses.
My best dressed chick of the Oscars is definitely Charlize Theron, because with that ponytail, casual diamond earrings and daytime gold la-may gown, she was done up like Alexis Carrington making a quick trip to the supermarket. It was very daytime casual Dynasty. And my best dressed dude is definitely Ryan Gosling, who looks like he reeks of Jovan Musk oil and is about to pick you up in his dad’s gold two-tone Lincoln Continental Mark V to take you to the senior prom where he’s going to feel you up while slow dancing to The Closer I Get To You. And he’s definitely the one who spiked the punch.
Ryan wore Gucci (duh) and I couldn’t tell if those were actual ruffles or trompe l’oeil ruffles (Side note: I don’t do drag, but if I ever did, I’ve got dibs on the name Tramp Louie Ruffles.) And then there’s the smooth rat Pharrell, who dressed like a maître d at an underground restaurant that only serves virgin blood and is owned by Kunty Karl. There’s a reason why Pharrell looks like that. He’s wearing Chanel.
And here’s a million more pictures of the dudes from the Oscars. Come for Mahershala Ali and come again for hot piece of wood Jamie Dornan.
We’ve been shitting up post after post from last night’s Adele Appreciation Ceremony (Featuring Adele Appreciating Beyonce), but another awards show happened yesterday. Two weeks before Hollywood gets dressed up in $15,000 gowns to lick each other’s taints and jack one another off at the Oscars, they got into $15,000 gowns to lick each other’s taints and jack one another off at the BAFTAs last night.
Here’s Viggo Mortensen with a whole lot of Clairol Natural Instincts (shade: Sahara Light Blonde) in his hair at the photo call and premiere of Loin des Hommes at the Venice Film Festival over the weekend. Either Viggo decided to bleach himself down to his Danish roots or he threw some blonde (with chunky sun-kissed caramel low lights, very 2001) on his hair for a movie role. If the latter is the case, then I’m guessing that Viggo is starring in a brand new Harry Potter movie where he plays Voldemort whom we find out faked his death and snuck off to Hawaii to live out his dream of being Laird Hamilton’s surfing protégée.
Even though Viggo looks like he scalped David Spade and sewed that shit onto his head, I still would, because his ass cheeks are what got me through A Perfect Murder. I’d definitely let blond Viggo hommes dez loins (I don’t know what that meant, but just go with it).