2017 was the last year anyone would ever see Victoria’s Secret Underwear Angel Alessandra Ambrosio strut down the runway of their annual primetime
commercial fashion show. As it turns out, Alessandra might not be the only model hanging up her thong and retiring. 36-year-old Adriana Lima could possibly be done with VS too.
The annual Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show happened last night in Shanghai! The good news is, it wasn’t a total disaster. Despite some stumbling blocks erected by the Chinese Government, they somehow managed to find enough ladies, enough cameras, and drum up enough hullabaloo to pull it off. The bad news is, it was still the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. The uncategorized news is that Harry Styles was the featured performer, since previously scheduled Katy Perry was deemed an enemy of the state.
Katy Perry Isn’t Performing At The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, Because She’s Reportedly Been Banned From China
The upcoming Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show was supposed to be a taste of the Far East that most of us figured would turn into a wildly offensive display of cultural appropriation with the likes of the Hadid sisters strutting down the catwalk in nighties made of fortune cookies or whatever the VS designers could come up with to remind us they’re filming from China. Alas, at the rate they’re going, the only person China will allow in to strut and perform is Taylor Swift (“Mission accomplished!” –Taylor Swift). Continue reading
In America, we have a few utterly pointless annual traditions that people like to make a fuss over but that nobody actually cares about. We have the Super Bowl, we have Christmas and we have the annual Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but Christmas and the Super Bowl are still on as far as I know. However, there is a ray of light… the VS Fashion show is in danger of being a clusterfuck this year!
Kendall Jenner, one of Victoria’s more recent secrets, is skipping the 2017 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show because she has skankier panties to fry and a bigger cash to check. TMZ says expensive underwear company La Perla is tossing millions at Kendall to work her America’s Next Top Model third-episode-of-the-season-caliber modeling into their britches, and that shit comes with a non-compete! So no more Vicky for Kenny, which is a shame because it’s the one night of the year people younger than 900 tune into CBS.
While I’m not surprised La Perla has a non-compete clause, I am surprised they have their French lace panties in a wad thinking Victoria’s Secret is actual competition. Every time I walk by a La Perla, I get anxious thinking they make you take an AP French exam before they let you try on a thong. Meanwhile, I see Victoria’s Secret more often than not slumming it in the corner of a mall next to Old Navy! Check out Kendall’s first Le Perla post below:
This leaves thwacking Ariana Grande with angel wings and playing the “How long can you walk down a runway with a pout while Leonardo DiCaprio wolf whistles from the sideline” game to the likes of Gigi and Bella Hadid and perpetual angel Adriana Lima. I’m also sure Kendall realized Taylor Swift has an album to push, so she would naturally be there. Tay and Leo both view that shit as open hunting season for squad members and girlfriends. Get out while you can, K!
Modeling panties for Victoria’s Secret is hard work. First, you’ve got to be able to walk a straight line (my clumsy ass is out). Then you’ve got to be able to walk down the runway without your coochie lips making a break for it out the sides of said panties. Not to mention that you’ve got to do it all while wearing one of Lady Gaga’s rejected tour costumes (rejected for not looking busted enough). And according to former Victoria’s Secret Angel Erin Heatherton, you also have to be as skinny enough to fit into a pair of panties the size of a dancer’s foot thong.
Erin, or as Leonardo DiCaprio knows her, Model #6201-4, recently admitted to TIME (via the New York Post) that she was told to drop some pounds after her last two Victoria’s Secret runway shows. So she started working out hard and eating healthy, even though I’m sure Victoria’s Secret was totally willing to send her a tapeworm. “Erin, meet your new best friend, Tapey. You’ll be strutting down that runway to the tune of your own bones jingling like a xylophone in no time!”
Eventually Erin says she got to the point where she came home from a workout and thought about saying “Fuck it” to eating food. She wasn’t able to lose any more weight in time for her final VS show in 2013 (the one you’re looking at above), and shortly after the show, she handed in her wings and quit. TIME says they didn’t get a response from Victoria’s Secret after they asked them about Erin’s story. Well, DUH. Of course they’re not going to blab; it’s called Victoria’s Secret for a reason.
If Erin’s story is true and she was told to start sipping bottles of calorie-free air to get skinny enough for the show, then I think it’s safe to say that Cheryl Tiegs just fell in love.