Category: Victoria Silvstedt

Gross. Nasty. Sick. Barf.

December 6, 2011 / Posted by:

Patients in Los Angeles-area hospitals suffering from severe constipation and extreme vomit phobias were transported to the premiere of New Year’s Eve Apocalypse Eve at Grauman’s Chinese Theatre last night for five reasons: Lea Michele, Ashton Kutcher, Katherine Heigl, Fuggie Fug and Josh Duhamel (or as their known in the medical community: suppository, douche, enema, diuretic and activated charcoal). Even the quadra power beauty queen beauty of Michelle Pfeiffer, Zac Efron, Sofia Vergara and Barbara Eden wasn’t powerful enough to soothe the heaves coming out of a bitch when they watched Ick (aka Lea) and Nast (aka Ashton) mug it up for the cameras. Ashton, I know it’s been a while since you’ve seen tits that aren’t made of Plaster of Paris, but please calm yourself. I swear, this premiere had more empty stomachs and clean pussies than a virgin bulimia convention. Sucio all around.

Katherine needs to give 2001 Hillary Clinton her hair back, Ashton needs to give Mary Katherine Gallagher her hair back and both Fuggie and Lea just need to stop everything. There aren’t enough chairs for all the bitches here who really need to have a seat in the back.

I was going to make a post asking who was the least annoying slag at last night’s New Year’s Eve premiere, but that’s like choosing between a beej from a garbage disposal or a prostate exam from a pitchfork. Which funnily enough, is probably the sensation a ho feels when sitting through that shit bag of a movie.

When Your Wax Figure Is Less Waxy Than You Are

September 23, 2011 / Posted by:

On the left is a wax-covered inanimate object that is full of chemicals and will melt into a puddle of bad decisions if it is put under the sun, and on the right is a wax-covered inanimate object that is full of chemicals and will melt into a puddle of bad decisions if it is put under the sun. Seriously, both of these bitches belong in the SALE section of the Yankee Candle catalog.

At Madame Tussauds in Las Vegas yesterday, Fergie Ferg proudly unveiled the wax figure she made herself by using her newly sharpened nose to chisel out her likeness from a block of melted honey candles. The belle of Hacienda Heights christened her new wax figure by grabbing onto its plastic wax tit balls for the cameras. Now Fergie knows how her doctors feels when they give her plastic wax tit balls a squeeze during a breast exam.

But seriously, I don’t even know which one looks more like the real Fergie. That walking wax figure in the red dress looks more like Lacey Schwimmer with a deflated chin. This was just a bad business decision on Madame Tussauds’ part. Fergie rotates and pinches her mug so often that every few months Madam Tussauds will have to hire the Holmes on Holmes crew to renovate her wax figure’s face so it matches. IN THIS ECONOMY nonetheless!

I See You Trying To Sneak A Peek, Will!

September 13, 2011 / Posted by:

During a NOT staged photo-op that was NOT set up by their publicists to prove that they are okay with each other even though it’s rumored that one of them zombie humped on the other one’s wife, Will Smith tried to be slick by conducting his own covert investigation to see if Skeletor truly is the ruler of Snake Mountain if you know what I mean. You know that saying from the Scientology sauna: When the hands go up, Will’s eyes go down.

Judging by this picture, either Skeletor’s Power of Grayskull pinga got camera (and Will Smith) shy and slithered to the back of his Size 2 Slim Bugle Boy Khakis, or the cracked out Mars Attack! alien is about as hung as a JLo dingle berry, because his crotch is bulge-free here. If the photographer clicked his camera two seconds after this picture was taken, he’d capture Will making a sad “I rolled out of Trey Songz’s bunk for this?!” face.

Sorry, Will, Skeletor’s elusive wrist dick just didn’t want to be seen last night.

Here’s more of Will, Skeletor and Fergie Clawful at the Dolphins game in Miami last night.

Attack Of The Clones

August 8, 2011 / Posted by:

On the left is Disney Jr.’s production of The Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls in Love, and on the right is the epitome of gayelle love Portia de Rossi and her wife Ellen Degeneres at the totally pointless Teen Choice Awards in L.A. last night. You know, I’ve always made stupid jokes about how Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are the Muppet Babies (or the toddler brunette) version of Portia & Ellen and were only created to teach the children that lesbian love is a beautiful thing despite what the Faces of Crazy say, but this proves that there’s a method to my incoherent ramblings (not really).

This also proves that we can finally get rid of Justin Bieber and send him back to the Canadian Hasbro factory from which he came from if we can only get Usher to buy Ellen’s soul when the Canadian dollar dips below the US dollar so that he train her to yodel like a newborn puppy and thrust like a kitten having a seizure. Because if this doesn’t happen, it will only be a matter of time before the apocalypse is summoned when Usher agrees to be Justin & Selena’s sperm donor. Someone should get on that.

So last night was the Teen Choice Awards, which is only around to remind us that teens shouldn’t vote for shit. I mean, voting to give Taylor Swift a lifetime achievement award is making Uncle Sam switch fingers.

Here’s a bunch of pictures of some hos you didn’t know existed, forgot existed or wish didn’t exist. In order: Ty Ty Baby, The Lesbeaver, Rachel Bilson, Rebecca Black, Fergie, Selena Gomez, Ashley Greene, the Kardashian harem, Kowlina Kardashian, Sean Kingston, Blake Lively, Demi Lovato, that one from Glee, Raven, Taylor “Making Marilyn Roll In Her Grave” Swift, Cameron Diaz, Ian Somerhalder, Rupert Grint, Portia & Ellen Jr. and Portia & Ellen.

Are These Two Going To Make A Habit Out Of This?

May 23, 2011 / Posted by:

All the goo goo ga ga-ing gossip amongst Beliebers around the diaper genie this morning was about Bieber Degeneres kissing on Selena de Rossi right after he beat out Kanye West for the most talented singing infant award at last night’s BMAs. This is not the first time that Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez touched mouths in front of a camera! And this time they did it in front of his mother while Selena wore a low-budget version of Demi Moore’s ho dress from Indecent Proposal! Maybe I grew up in a prude bubble, but when I was 17 I barely touched my boyfriend’s hand in front of my mom. This is not how your mother is supposed to find out that your raging hormones have officially taken over.

She’s supposed to find out when she walks by his bedroom door and hears the frightening sounds of slurping and the murmurs of such sweet nothings like, “No, I think it goes in that one.” Then she’s supposed to run to her bathroom and collapse in tears on her shaggy bath mat over realizing that the innocent baby who came out of her vagina is now cumming in his girlfriend’s vaginaaaaaaah! After the rage burns off her tears, she grabs a bottle of Windex, picks the lock on her son’s bedroom door with a wire hanger and sprays both of them while covering her eyes and screaming about how she doesn’t want to be a young grandma! As his little girlfriend runs out of the house half-nekkid, mom lets him know that they aren’t allowed to see each other again or she’ll delete his Black Ops game and he’ll have to start all over again.

That’s how it’s supposed to go. How dare Justin Bieber rob his mother of such an important moment!

Besides Justin’s mom, here’s who witnessed young gross love in action last night: Taylor Swift, Nicki Minaj, Fergie, Ke$ha, Nicole Kidman, Keith Urban, DOWNTOWN JULIE BROWN!, Joe Jonas, Pedolena Gomez and Bieber with a golden dildo.

The Fallopian Tube Toilet Seat Hat Can Be Yours!

May 11, 2011 / Posted by:

The hat that looks like two bitchy sperm fishes fighting about who gets to fertilize the egg is heading for eBay! The Original Fergie tells Oprah (in an interview airing today) that her daughter Princess Bea is donating the Philip Treacy-designed fascinator (drop the “f” and that’s my fantasy bath house nickname) she wore to the Royal Wedding to charity. The Aretha Franklin hat of 2011 can be yours! From People:

“She’s putting it up on eBay to auction it for UNICEF and for children in crisis,” Beatrice’s mother, Duchess Sarah Ferguson, announced Wednesday during an appearance on The Oprah Winfrey Show.

No, UNICEF does not stand for: Urstruly Needs Immediate Cash Endorsements Forreal. And I don’t think Fergie’s nickname for her offshore account is “children.” I think she’s really donating it to charity!

In the same interview, Fergie said that she went to Thailand during the Royal Wedding, because she sad that she wasn’t invited. Fergie said that she understood that her con man ways cost her an invitation, but she was still sad, “It was so difficult. Because I wanted to be there with my girls and to — and to be getting them dressed and to go as a family.”

Well, the molded vomit mess on Princess Bea’s head made all of us rolls our eyes and laugh to keep from heaving, so it was just like Fergie herself was there top of her daughter’s head!

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