Leonardo DiCatchAHo threw a gala for his foundation in St. Tropez yesterday and going by what Michelle Rodriguez put on her body, you’d think the theme was “Goth Granny Got Tangled Up In Her Curtain” glamour. I didn’t know you could vape crack. I mean, I’m guessing that’s what she’s vaping and I’m also guessing that she vaped it before she decided to do herself up like a budget model in a Frederick’s of Hollywood fashion show held in a mall in Transylvania.
I don’t even know why Michelle Rodriguez bothered wearing that busted ass curtain with the garbage bag flowers on it. She should’ve just showed up in black granny chonies, a tube top and her vape pen. Now that would’ve been a true look of elegance and she would’ve been the best dressed bitch at that gala. Before going out, MRod needed to take a good look in a full-length mirror and ask herself, “Would Kylie Jenner wear this to a funeral?” The answer is obviously an ALL-CAPS, bolded YES. That would’ve been MRod’s cue to take off the thing, douse it in gasoline, burn it, put its ashes in a box weighted down with rocks and take a boat out into the middle of the ocean to dump it. Purge the thing!
Anyway, here more pictures from last night’s gala, which raised more than $40 million, including some of Leonardo Seagal, his latest piece Kelly Rohrsomethingoranother and exquisite Swedish blossom Victoria Silvstedt.
Who knew that Doogie Howser was a gusher? If your eyes woke up this morning with a craving for a picture of Neil Patrick Harris and Sandra Bullock making terrifying O faces as a geyser of slimy goo shoots into the air, here you go, you sucio perv.
Usually when Kristen Stewart’s hands are covered in slime, it’s because she ran them through her hair. But yesterday, KStew got covered in Slimer’s butt drool after she hugged Sandra Bullock and Neil Patrick Harris while accepting her award for Favorite Movie Actress at the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards in L.A. Yeah, the kids chose her as their favorite movie actress. This is why kids should never get a vote. And the Earth tipped a little to the side yesterday, because KStew gave her usual bitchface the day off and actually cracked a few smiles during the show. Nickelodeon must have stuffed the bongs in her dressing room with some serious good shit. Either that or that green’s slime got some THC in it.
Here’s a few more pictures from yesterday’s KCAs. In order: Sandra Bullock, KStew and NPH (looking like Goop’s colonic machine exploded all over them), Katy Perry, Selena Gomez, a greasy and knocked up Fergie Ferg, Ke$hit channeling Dumb and Dumber with her brother, a domesticated Sasquatch, Dog Chapman with Beth Chapman and the Smith kids.
Fergie Announces She’s Knocked Up By Posting A Weird Photoshopped Picture Of Her And Josh Duhamel As Kids
To the surprise of nobody who saw the pictures of the Botoxed Muppet at the Safe Haven premiere two weeks ago (see pictures below), Fergie Ferg announced on Twitter today that one of her lady lumps has a fetus in it. After 4 years of marriage, the 37-year-old Belle of Hacienda Heights and 40-year-old Josh Duhamel are going to have a baby together and she just had to throw this picture up with her announcement.
My thoughts about this Photoshop Award-worthy picture are best expressed through that scared pussy’s “get me the fuck out of here” face. It’s nice seeing Fergie’s pre-meth face, but I didn’t need to see a young Josh Duhamel hanging out with her young self in her crib. I know that picture is supposed to be sweet, but it reminds me of the time my cousin’s friend told me that she pasted a picture of her current boyfriend’s head over her high school boyfriend’s head on her senior prom picture, because she wants to always remember him as her only love. Gross bitch!
And I’m sure one of Fergie’s friends or relatives already got her some maternity diapers, a Go Girl and an empty water bottle, because she couldn’t hold her piss before she was knocked up. And now that she’s knocked up, she’s just going to be pissing all the time everywhere.
Pamela Anderson still holds the title for the most glamorous drugstore appearance of the decade, but Fergie, Caroline Manzo, Kurt Russell, Lamar Odom, Mark McGrath and Tim Gunn tried to top her last night. They all showed up to the red carpet grand opening the new “upscale” Walgreens on Sunset and Vine in Hollywood. Shit is “upscale,” because when you’re buying tampons and condoms, you can also pick up sushi, fancy cheeses and frozen yogurt with toppings. Call me a GOOP-like snob, but I don’t think I could full my mouth with raw fish from the same place that sells butt suppositories. (“Bitch, don’t act like you haven’t put worse things in your mouth like a sushi-flavored suppository or suppository-flavored sushi.” – you “You bring up a valid point.” – me)
It was only a little over 10 years ago when Fergie used to get chased out of Walgreens by a security guard for trying to steal shit for meth money and now she’s at the grand opening of one. She’s come a long way. Fergie’s face has also come a long way too. It used to be straight out of Faces of Meth and now it’s straight out of Faces of Botox.
And speaking of Faces of Meth, click here to see some that will scare you to Jesus.
Zac Efron’s former lip gloss holder Vanessa Hudgens is looking more fucked up than usual and that could mean only one thing: It’s Coachella time again! Vanessa Hudgens normally looks like the L train gargled up the worst fashions from the 90s before barfing all over her, but when April rolls around she really turns up the WTF. This year, Vanessa went hard and really earned a THIS BITCH badge of honor by trying to offend as many groups of people and pairs of eyeballs as possible. Let’s go down the line….
That headdress is offending her Native American ancestors (she’s like .5% Native American, okay) and 3rd graders who can make a better one using an old belt, construction paper and pigeon feathers. That Sharpie bindi is offending both cholas and Indians for obvious reasons. That peace sign is offending Chicken Cutlets since that her signature pose. And I don’t know if that make-up is offending Native Americans, ThunderCats or caca streaks on chonies?
The organizers of Coochella need to be brought up on charges for being an accessory to this dumbassness.
Here’s a few more pictures from over the weekend of hos doing it right (see: Ian Somerhalder hugging half of his nalgas) and bitches doing it wrong (see: pretty much everyone else). In order: a damn fool, Trouty Mouth with Horsey Mouth’s niece, Johnny Hallyday, Jared Leto, Fuggie Fug with Josh Duhamel, a leftover queef bubble from 2002, Katy Perry, Ke$hit and Ian S.
Olivier Martinez made it clear that he’s riding shotgun without a helmet on the crazy train by confirming to reporters at the opening of his restaurant in Miami that he’s engaged to Halle “I Will Never Get Married Again” Berry. Olivier should’ve given Halle a suicide pill ring, so that when she’s choking him out during one of their many fights, he can end his misery by leaning over to chew his way to a quick death. But instead, Olivier gave Halle an emerald ring he made with jooree designer Robert Mazlo.
A source type tells UsWeekly that Olivier wanted to give Halle the “most beautiful ring ever made” and also wanted it mean something. Olivier took some ancient mystical quiz called the “Alchemy Test,” which is made up of several questions asking for Halle’s favorite colors, numbers and shapes. Robert Mazlo decoded the answers to design the perfect emerald ring which tells Halle and Oliver’s story.
Isn’t that special? I’m guessing that the emerald represents the color Halle will turn when she busts into a jealous rage after watching Olivier innocently talk to another trick. The diamond represents the maniacal twinkle in Halle’s eye. The yellow gold represents the jaundice Olivier and Halle will suffer from after they suck the life out of each other. Robert Mazlo is right! That ring is perfect.
The source says that the ring is one-of-a-kind and I say that it’s something you can get at QVC for just 4 easy payments of $29.99.
Speaking of precious gems, here’s rare crazy diamond Victoria Silvstedt at the opening of Olivier’s new restaurant in Miami over the weekend.