It doesn’t take too much for celebrity dating rumors to get revved up. Meryl Streep and Helen Mirren could be sitting on opposite sides of first class on a flight to New York, and you could bet some asshole would write about how they got it on in the lavatory. By got it on, I mean they took turns getting off to the other reciting lines from Bridges Of Madison County and Caligula, but I digress. Donnie Darko and Princess Margaret, also known as Jake Gyllenhaal and Vanessa Kirby, were seen having lunch together Friday in New York, so that naturally has some people thinking they’re definitely fucking.
Page Six says their snitch caught the two having a “cozy lunch” that included all the requirements to make a publicity couple:
“It was touchy-feely. She was touching his hair. They were sitting on the same side of the table.”
In Vanessa’s defense, she was rumored to be dating Tom Cruise. Maybe she was just trying to see what Jake’s rug was made of to pass the word along to John Travolta back at the Scientology bathhouse. Before we get too ahead of ourselves, other snitches claim this is much ado about nothing. Vanessa was on The View last week and when they asked about the Tom rumors, she said she’s been dating Callum Turner for over two years. Either she and Callum broke up on her way to lunch, or maybe something might be off with this story. Someone claims Vanessa is just a handsy person:
“Vanessa is a very tactile person. She is happily in a long-term relationship … it was just two friends catching up.”
See? It was just two friends catching up with hair-touching and most certainly not her second stop on a round of contract girlfriend interviews!
Mission: Impossible 6 doesn’t come out until July 2018 and I haven’t seen one second of Vanessa Kirby’s acting in it, but I’m already pushing for her to win an Oscar in 2019. I mean, in the kissing scene that was shot yesterday in Paris, Vanessa truly had to struggle for her craft while holding in her breath to keep herself from inhaling the bullshit fumes that constantly waft out of Tom Cruise’s mouth. Tommy also deserves some credit. It must’ve been very weird for him to have a nose touch his face. He’s not used to noses touching his face. He’s used to the noses of Scientologists shoving into his butt cleft as they lick on his royal Scientolohole.
It’s been almost five years since Katie Holmes climbed down an escape rope made of bed sheets from a high floor window in the Scientology Celebrity Centre and raaaan, raaaan, raaan to freedom. Since then, there’s been rumors that Tom Cruise has auditioned possible beard wives, but either he rejected them or they had the sense to turn down the Jesus of Scientology. The always-correct InTouchWeekly says that Tommy thinks that he may have finally found the lucky woman (read: future prisoner) whom he will woo (read: promise her further fame and fortune while passing her a long-term contract to sign), marry in a lavish ceremony (read: a ceremony where Scientology scientists will replace her brain with a hard drive ) and make sweet love to (read: bust a thetan-covered load of baby batter into a turkey baster that she will be inseminated with). And that lucky woman is apparently British actress Vanessa Kirby.