Charlize Theron Changed Sean Penn’s Mind About Owning Guns

Charlize Theron should go ahead and get a bumper sticker for her car that reads: “Pussy So Good It Makes The NRA Shake In Fear!” Because at Sean Penn’s annual benefit for Haiti last night in L.A., he told everyone that a certain South African woman convinced him to send all of his guns packing. Sean was obviously talking about his current piece (UGH!!!!) Charlize Theron. In 1991, Charlize’s mother shot her father dead after he came home drunk, shot a bullet into her bedroom and threatened to kill them both. The police declared it was self-defense and Charlize’s mom never faced any charges. So Charlize hates guns as much as Sean Penn hates shampoo. E! News says that during the auction part of the night, Sean said that he asked artist Jeff Koons to make a special piece using all of his guns.

“Being provoked by this aforementioned strong woman and considering how liberating of bullshit and ugliness it would be not only get rid of the guns I have in the continental United States but also to destroy them, Jeff Koons and I had a chat the other day.”

The Silver Fox won the Koons piece (which will probably be called The Power of Charlize’s PUSSAY) with a $1.4 million bid.

So since Charlize convinced him to get rid of guns, she should also convince him to get rid of his shitty personality, all of his baseball bats, his sun dried tomato skin, his asshole temper and she should also convince him to take a dip in a Hazmat bath every now and again, because he looks like a piece of matted dog hair dipped in ass smegma.

But seriously, what I really want to know is who is going to convince Charlize Theron to get rid of Sean Penn?

Pics: Wenn.com

FYI: Sharon Osbourne Had Her Vagina Tightened

Since today’s theme is obviously twats of all kinds, here’s Sharon Osbourne telling Graham Norton (via People) about her most painful plastic surgery ever. Sharon’s been pulled, nipped, tucked and had her face rotated into all kinds of different shapes and sizes, but she said that surgery that really had her screaming for the baby Jesus to end her misery was vaginoplasty. Judging by how tight her mouth looks in that picture above, you’d think she had vaginoplasty on her face mouth, but no, she had it on her down low parts. I guess having a bunch of kids stretched out her chocha and she really didn’t like sending a search party in there every time Ozzy accidentally fell in during fuck times. So she took herself to the plastic surgeon and now it’s tighter than a virgin snake’s cloaca. In the video at the end of this post, Sharon, Graham and Colin Farrell had a short conversation about her sparkling new snatch:

Graham Norton: What’s the worst procedure? What was the most painful procedure?

Sharon: Having my vagina tightened. It was the worst. It was just excruciating. Excruciating!

Colin: What did that entail? What did that? What did that entail?

Sharon: Oh, I’ll show you later.

The more you know, I guess. Every time a celebrity talks about getting her coochie cinched, I just have to make my retinas curl by Googling before and after pictures of pussy tightening surgery. If you haven’t done it, don’t do it. If you’re curious, just Google “Keith Richards with his tongue out” instead. That’s pretty much what most of the before pictures look like.

The NYPD Says That A Cop Never Slapped Amanda Bynes’ Vagina

The NYPD investigated Amanda Bynes’ claim that a cop slapped her cooch while arresting her for throwing a bong out the window and decided that she made it all up. A rep for the NYPD said in a statement to Gossip Cop that there’s no evidence to prove that Amanda is telling the truth (Side note: Did they interview her slapped snatch per chance?) and a very credible witness never saw the cops handling her crotch area wrong. Amanda responded on Twitter and surprisingly she didn’t cry, “POLICE COVER-UP,” but she did tweet out some shit that made me laugh and cry at the same time:

My lawyer is getting my case dropped! There was no proof of sexual harassment or drugs. Instead of me asking for the cop to be arrested for sexual harassment, I want my case dropped as well. His punishment will be being the cop who sexually harassed someone who would never find him handsome enough to be my boyfriend. That’s worse than any time in jail. But I am suing him for money compensation. I love having more money in my bank!

Oh, that Amanda’s always looking on the bright side and the bright side is always prettier than you.

Amanda Bynes truly missed her calling. Since she’s obsessed with the American legal system and is always spewing out crazy shit that doesn’t really make sense, she should’ve been a lawyer! Shit, she should’ve been Jodi Arias’ lawyer! Yes, Jodi still would’ve been found guilty, but Amanda would’ve given the jury something to think about by saying, “Jodi is going to spend the rest of her life behind bars, but all of you will spend the rest of your lives trapped behind an ugly face and that’s worse than being in prison! Eww!“

And I’m trying to decide if Amanda’s bangs glasses are the look or not the look?

Brandi Glanville Reupholstered Her Vagina With Eddie Cibrian’s Money

Seen here at a glamorous event at a McDonald’s last year, Brandi Glanville writes in her new tell-all Drinking and Tweeting and Other Brandi Blunders that after Eddie Cibrian tainted her pristine vagina with the pussy juices from all of his side pieces, she got a face lift on her coochie and used his credit card to pay for it. Looking at that picture above probably convinced you to have Chicken McBites covered in sweet ‘n sour sauce for lunch and then reading that sentence changed your mind.

Brandi writes that after she birthed out her two sons, she asked Eddie if her vagina still looked like a freshly bloomed baby pink calla lily or if it looked like two long pieces of sardine jerky fighting over a chewed up wad of gum. Eddie told her it was still precious until one time he told her it wasn’t. Then after Eddie dumped her for LeAnn Rimes, she decided to de-Cibrianize her twat. Brandi says that she was broke and living in her SUV at the time, so she charged the surgery to Eddie’s credit card:

“I would ask Eddie from time to time if my vagina was the same after childbirth. He always said yes, except once. He was actually quite vulgar.

I decided that since Eddie ruined my vagina for me, he could pay for a new one. A week after the vaginal rejuvenation surgery, he was on the phone screaming, ‘What the fuck cost you $12,000? Did you get a nose job?’I responded simply, ‘Yes. A nose job.’ And I hung up.”

Great. So now LeAnnRimes, the Hedy to Brandi’s Ally, is going to track down the plastic surgeon who restored Brandi’s vagina to its pre-Cibrian glory, ask to see the “after” pictures and say, “I want that pussy on my body!” Single White Vagina starring Brandi AnalGlanville and Falcor’s malnourished twin sister.

How Do I Love Thee Liz

Elizabeth Taylor. Icon. Goddess. My Idol. She was an ethereal beauty and a shameless hussy, marrying 8 times to 7 men (Richard Burton twice) and not giving one crumb of a fuck what anyone thought about it. Everyone knows that she drank like a fish and had the mouth of a truckstop hooker, ate men like tic tacs and had more precious gems than the Crown Jewels. In other words, she was perfection. If the things they’re saying about her in a new unauthorized biography called Elizabeth Taylor: There is Nothing Like a Dame are true though, she is quite possibly the sluttiest slut that ever slutted. SWOOOOOON.

Express.co.uk has some juicy tidbits from the book, like the fact that she seduced Ronald Regan when he was 36 and she was a teenager, and tried and failed to trap Frank Sinatra into marriage by pulling a Beyonce (you know, faking a pregnancy). But that’s not even close to the best part. The book says she had a threesome with JFK and Robert Stack!!! Some bitches have all the luck.

Apparently, they were all innocently hanging out at the pool, like literally nekkid ass nekkid hanging out, when they turned the pool into a steamy sauna and all felt the need to get in a heap of humps. The only way this story could be any hotter is if it were JFK Jr., and if there was a lot more ME in it. Okay, maybe I’m alone in my thinking on that last part.

And HAHAHAHAHA @ LiLo thinking she’s like la Liz!!! Bitch will always be a second class ho who has to steal her own cheap ass jewelry. Keep reaching for those stars girl.

FYI: Jamie Bell Knows How To Please A Woman

11 years ago you were screaming “Dance, Billy, dance!” at Jamie Bell as Billy Elliot, and now suddenly you’re screaming “Flick, Billy, flick!” at an all grown up Jamie Bell. 25-year-old Jamie, who is twirling his tongue on Evan Rachel Wood nowadays, was asked by British GQ what he thinks is a skill every man should put on his resume. If you can’t see Jamie as anything other than a boy child who can dazzle any dancefloor with the shards of magic that shoot off of his toes when he dances, then you’ll want to cover your eyes and think of white tutus. Because Jamie leaped through puberty and gets the hornies all the time now. Spread your legs, grab onto Jamie’s handlebars ears and get some of this:

What’s the best way to impress a woman?
Buy her flowers? Take her home on the weekend to meet your mother? No. Let’s cut to the primal – be good in the sack. [Slaps thighs] Have an understanding of what’s going on down there and have fun, awesome sex.

What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever received?
What’s the best penis I’ve ever seen?

No! Actually, what is the best penis you’ve ever seen?
[Collapses into laughter] That is a good question. The best piece of advice I ever received was “Don’t fuck your publicist.” Russell Crowe told me that. It’s probably a smart move. [Both of his publicists are now in the room, attempting to bring the interview to a close] No! It’s GQ!

What skill should every man have?
Skill? You know what I’m going to say. A man should have a good understanding of a vagina. He should be good at oral sex. On a woman.

You do realise you’ve got another publicist standing right behind you?
I don’t care. A skill a man should have? Making fires and pleasing a woman. In the vaginal area.

“In The Vaginal Area” really needs to be the title of Jamie’s memoirs.

Jamie should’ve just tattooed FIRE-MAKING HETERO on his forehead for those out there who didn’t get the point that he’s a pussy-eating heterosexual man who crushes beer cans on his forehead when he’s not taming the clit or making a fire. Jamie is so hetero that sometimes he crushes a beer can on his forehead while taming the clit and making a fire at the same time. We get it, Jamie. You’ve traded in pirouettes for pussy.

Jamie is right, though. I can only love a man if he knows how to eat a pussy. If he flinches when I scream, “YES! Eat that dick like a pussy!” at him, then I’m so not going to give him a good review on the customer satisfaction card he gives me afterward.

But really, isn’t making a fire and orally pleasing a lady sort of the same thing. That’s what it looks like in straight porn, anyway. The dude gets really close to the lady’s coochie, handles it gently with his fingers at first and then rubs it really, really hard while blowing on it. I always wait for him to use a mirror to shine sunlight at her coochie so it starts to spark and he can finally make s’mores on it later.

The only part of cunnilingus that is not like making a fire is when the dude spits on her clitoris. I know I’ve said this before, but for why must he do this?! That is not sexy. Unless the clit is dull or he sees the face of Michael Lohan on it, he shouldn’t spit at it! Have some common courtesy!