Cardi B has already given us political commentary, financial advice, and tips on larceny. And she’s ready to show us more of her expertise: Medical knowledge. Cardi nearly flashed her B (that’s either B for butt or B for bagina, depending on who you ask) at last night’s Billboard Music Awards. And after fans talked about it, she decided to give a quick lesson on the placement of a woman’s ass versus her vagina, which–according to some of my girlfriends–some guys have trouble telling apart.
“Darling, will you be a dear and help a fellow Englishwoman out by holding my martini glass for a second? I must run off and feed my vagine a scoop of Moon Dust. It seems to be ravenous and is starting to chew on my onesie. Thanks, love!” – Goopy Paltrow to Rosie Huntington-Whateverly right after that picture was taken.
The Hollywood Reporter named their Power Stylists of 2016 and Goopy Paltrow’s stylist Elizabeth Saltzman made the list, so last night, she showed up to a dinner in L.A. to celebrate the issue. Three things:
1. Yes, Goopy Paltrow wore this 70s space B-movie ridiculousness to an event honoring the most powerful stylists in Hollywood. THAT is the pink hospital curtain ugliness that Elizabeth Saltzman chose to show off her styling skills. Maybe Elizabeth Saltzman is kind of like some of us? Maybe Elizabeth decided to fuck with Goopy. Maybe she told Goopy that she looks so hot and her pussy looks so perky in that jumpsuit, but then turned around and whispered to a style assistant, “She looks like Mr. Blobby’s dick.” But well, looking like Mr. Blobby’s dick is still better than looking like you’re wearing a jumpsuit that Buffalo Bill made out of discarded foreskins. If Elizabeth Saltzman is screwing with her, I officially declare my love for Elizabeth Saltzman. Keep up the great work!
2. If Goopy was trying to go for the “fuck effort Gumby cosplay using waffle towels from the 99 Cent store” look, then she nailed it.
3. That jumpsuit sort of reminds me of that creepy Awkward-Family-Photo-gone-wrong picture that has haunted the Internet for years. Therefore that jumpsuit needs to be torched, and its ashes need to be stashed in a place that no soul will ever, ever find it (like behind a Mortdecai DVD at Best Buy).
Since Taylor Swift is trying to be a total pop star now and pop stars are allergic to pants, she showed up to the MTV VMAs yesterday in a weird ass romper onesie thing that made it look like her Raspberry Tart was queefing up the alphabet. It looks like her pussy was screaming out a Harry Potter spell.
When pictures of Tay Tay’s error 404 ass hanging out of that onesie came out yesterday, I spent way too much trying to crack the code over her coochie wedgie. The letter “V” stamped on her vagine is an elegant touch, but I really don’t want to spend my Sunday, Monday, Tuesday or any other day staring at her down low apple orchard and searching for her camel toe. “Searching For Taylor Swift’s Camel Toe” sounds like the most terrifying horror movie of all time.
Some whores on Twitter and Tumblr said that Tay Tay’s onesie looked like something their baby would wear. Okay, what in the hell kind of GD baby would wear that shit? That mess looks more like the modest swimsuit that a rebellious muslim would wear when she wants to rebel by showing some skin but doesn’t want to go too crazy.
And if you missed Tay Tay thinking she’s Roxie Hart during her VMAs performance of that “Shake It Off” song, click here to watch it. Below is Taylor’s “isolated vocals” from her performance courtesy of Deadspin. If you don’t want your neighbors to call the ASPCA to report a raccoon getting strangled in your house, listen to it with the volume all the way down.
If there was one time when the ears of humanity needed Kanye to snatch the mic away from Taylor, it was last night.
In today’s sermon from Cameron Diaz, the current Pastor of Pussylove United Church, we’ll be taking a break from talking about vaginas. Sadly, the Vagina Series has been put on a temporary hiatus until more comparisons to delicate flowers can be made (several regretful alternate metaphors were tossed around, including comparing the vagina to cheeseburgers and/or Popples). Instead, we’ll be focusing on Pastor Cammy’s theories on female sexuality, specifically the idea of when one woman’s Popple turns inside-out for another woman. When asked about whether she’s ever been attracted to another woman, Pastor Diaz told Glamour UK:
“I think women are beautiful – absolutely beautiful. And I think that all women have been sexually attracted to another woman at some point. It’s natural to have a connectivity and an appreciation for the beauty of other women.”
Normally, I err on the side of Pastor Cammy is Not Smart, but she’s kind of got a point. Personally, I’ve never felt compelled to finger-pop another woman’s Popple, but who knows? I’m still young (or at least, young-adjacent). Maybe one day I’ll see a chick in line at the grocery store buying 2 bags of Cool Ranch ‘Reets and a box of Theraflu, not giving a single fuck that she’s wearing leggings in public and that they’ve got a giant Diet Coke stain on them, and catch myself saying: “Daaaamn! Somebody better call Jesus and tell him an angel is missing from Dirtbag Heaven.” Even if I don’t wanna pop her Popple, I can at least appreciate her beauty.
Here’s more of Cameron Diaz trying to rub her Ya-Ya Sistersnatch up on Leslie Mann at CinemaCon 2014 (whatever the fuck that is) in Las Vegas. Cammy strikes me as the type who’s yoo-hoo is 24/7 horny, so I like to imagine her whispering into Leslie Mann’s ear: “You know what they say: what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas! Did you know that I made a movie called What Happens in Vegas? Why don’t we go back up to my room and talk about that over a glass of wine and several hits of ecstasy?” And because this whole story has been pretty clam-heavy, it’s only fair that I also include some pictures of Damon Wayans Jr. and Jake Johnson at the same event dressed as hot cops:
Because Cameron Diaz is a born-again Mormon for vaginas who’s current job is to ring people’s door bells and ask the person who answers: “Hello! My name is Sister Diaz! Have you heard the most amazing news about your puss?”, she appeared on Chelsea Lately on Monday night to share the secrets of internal life and vaginal salvation contained within her book The Body Book. And for those of you who didn’t think it could get any worse than Cameron Diaz’s thoughts on pubic hair, strap in and prepare yourself for the mental images of Chelsea Handler and Cammy’s Botoxed hoo-hoos:
Opening up Diaz’s book, Handler said, “There’s a diagram of your labia, and for me, the vagina is such an integral part of the body.” The blonds pretended to find Handler’s Bartholin’s glands before Diaz explained, “We think the vagina is on the outside. I say grab a mirror and play along. Get in there.” The actress added, “Learn about it. You’re supposed to treat it like the beautiful flower that is, the delicate flower that it is. And you’re supposed to nurture it in all the ways that it needs nurturing.”
“So in essence,” Handler said “we should be watering it.”
“Yes, watering it. Fertilizing it. It needs nourishment,” Diaz said. “It’s hungry.”
I get that Cammy is worried about all the neglected Hungry Hungry Hoo-Hoos and everything, but does she really think none of us know what the hell is going on down there? Well, aside from her friend Gwyneth Paltrow, who’s never looked at her vagina, but probably thinks it resembles a beautifully-carved $1,200 stone box.
Surely Cameron has at least one friend who could have told her “No no, it’s cool. I know the difference between vulvas and vaginas, you don’t need to write a book about it.” Because she’s not a doctor. So why in the hell is she acting like the brand ambassador for lips and clits? Aaaaand I just made the horrible mistake of imagining Cammy’s pizza clit (my imagination ran wild and covered it in pepperoni). Ugh, looks like I need to book another 30-day stay at the Brain Bleach Clinic.
Charlize Theron should go ahead and get a bumper sticker for her car that reads: “Pussy So Good It Makes The NRA Shake In Fear!” Because at Sean Penn’s annual benefit for Haiti last night in L.A., he told everyone that a certain South African woman convinced him to send all of his guns packing. Sean was obviously talking about his current piece (UGH!!!!) Charlize Theron. In 1991, Charlize’s mother shot her father dead after he came home drunk, shot a bullet into her bedroom and threatened to kill them both. The police declared it was self-defense and Charlize’s mom never faced any charges. So Charlize hates guns as much as Sean Penn hates shampoo. E! News says that during the auction part of the night, Sean said that he asked artist Jeff Koons to make a special piece using all of his guns.
“Being provoked by this aforementioned strong woman and considering how liberating of bullshit and ugliness it would be not only get rid of the guns I have in the continental United States but also to destroy them, Jeff Koons and I had a chat the other day.”
The Silver Fox won the Koons piece (which will probably be called The Power of Charlize’s PUSSAY) with a $1.4 million bid.
So since Charlize convinced him to get rid of guns, she should also convince him to get rid of his shitty personality, all of his baseball bats, his sun dried tomato skin, his asshole temper and she should also convince him to take a dip in a Hazmat bath every now and again, because he looks like a piece of matted dog hair dipped in ass smegma.
But seriously, what I really want to know is who is going to convince Charlize Theron to get rid of Sean Penn?