“Aren’t friends the coolest?! Friends are so fun. You can braid each other’s hair. Make friendship bracelets. Play Dream Phone when mom is busy making snacks! It’s just endless when you have friends! Especially friends who are tall and thin and pretty and have millions of Instagram followers. And it’s always great to have quiet, intimate, just between us girls time away from the public eye. Have you got friends? I definitely do!” – Taylor Swift.
As you probably already know, thanks to Tom Hiddleson’s totally unintentional attention-grabbing wet t-shirt stunt, Taylor Swift had a huge, mega fun kind of 4th of July. Guests included Blake Lively, Karlie Kloss, Cara Delevigne, Ruby Rose, Uzo Aduba, Gigi Hadid, and Ryan Reynolds. Sorry if the rest of this post turns into random letters, my eyes are stuck in roll and my eyelids are malfunctioning.
E! News says that besides wanting to spend time with a small fraction of her 5,978 BFFs, Taylor also wanted them to meet Tom and see what they think. You’ll be shocked to learn that all her friends love him and probably made him feel super comfortable when they started talking about the wedding while shaking his hand. E!’s source said this:
Tom has met all of Taylor’s best friends at this point in their relationship. They all really like Tom and like how he treats Taylor. Things are moving fast between them but none of her friends are worried because they never have seen her this happy. Both feel that their connection is rare.
Totally awesome friends? Check! Hottie boyfriend that is ssssssoooooo much better than the last one that all her totally awesome friends love? Check! New tits? Maybe. Girlfriend is really living the life. Now if only any aspect of it smelled authentic…
Here’s Tay and the girls just having spontaneous, non-staged Delia’s Catalogue fun in the name of patriotism:
Andy Samberg’s tiny-voiced wife Joanna Newsom is sort of known for having a “fuck it, I wear what I want” attitude when it comes to red carpet clothes. Which is great, because, fuck it – wear what you want. And last night was no exception. Obviously the WTF Award went to Heidi Klum and whatever the hell she was wearing, but Joanna came pretty close.
Joanna’s look is sort of a mix between “accident at the Mattel factory involving a Pink n’ Pretty dining room set” and “fancy new money jellyfish“, and I don’t hate it. She looks like what I imagine Miss Piggy’s powder room looks like; just tons of random fabric and shit covered in gems. Also, if you squint a little, her dress sort of looks like a penis with a wart on the tip. Just me? Okay.
Other than Joanna, not many other famous types brought the messy eleganza. Probably because they knew it was going to be so hot, and they just couldn’t be bothered. That, or they knew no matter how foolish they tried to look, they’d be no match for Alan Cumming and his dress CROCS.
Regardless, here’s a bunch of other dresses from last night. And pants! A bunch of ladies wore pants. I don’t really blame them; it’s a lot easier to run back and forth to the bar during commercials if you don’t have to pull 30 lbs of fabric along with you.
Just like her last show, and the show before that, and she show before that, attention enthusiast Taylor Swift got herself a little extra attention this weekend by packing her 1989 tour shows in Los Angeles with tons of “surprise” guests. On Friday, Tay Tay was joined on stage by famous basketball person Kobe Bryant and car commercial band OneRepublic.
Then on Saturday, she brought out Mary J. Blige. According to People, Mary J. and Tay Tay sang Mary’s songs “Doubt” and “Family Affair” together. They would have sung “No More Drama“, but Taylor’s conscience wouldn’t let her (“Girl stop, you know you live for the drama“). She also brought out Uzo Aduba, but she’s done that before. I have no idea why Taylor keeps bringing out Crazy Eyes. Uzo, has Tay Tay kidnapped you? Blink once for yes.
For real though, is Taylor Swift contractually obligated to bring out a whole mess of guests on stage with her during her 1989 tour? Because if that’s the case, she’s eventually she’s going to run out of friends. Case in point, when she brought out Matt LeBlanc and Chris Rock last night.
I know Taylor needs to fill her famous friends quota, but this is ridiculous. Not to mention that she was performing in Los Angeles, which means she had access to the finest buffet of last-minute fill-in talent to pick from. Why get Chris Rock and Joey Tribbiani when you could have Phoebe Price and Bai Ling? What am I saying – and risk being upstaged by their beauty? Taylor would never.
Here’s Tay Tay looking like Sugar & Shine Cupcake doll going through a bad-girl phase at the Staples Center on Friday night.
You know you’re a legend-in-the-making when you roll up to the SAG Awards and serve up a hot slice of red carpet eleganza better than the SAG Awards red carpet itself. I bet the red carpet spent the rest of the night hissing “That bitch stole my look!” to anyone who would listen before finally accepting the fact that Lupita Nyong’o did it better. Bitch color-coordinated her dress to everything around her! That’s commitment.
Yes, technically Lupita’s dress is a typical fancy awards show dress, but it also sort of looks like what I imagine Beetlejuice’s prom date wore to the Netherworld High prom, or a piece of avant-garde Christmas wrapping paper. Lupita’s dress looks like the curtains Maria would use to make power suits for the von Trapp children if they ever remade The Sound of Music and set it in 1984. But more than anything, it reminds me a piece of goth Fruit Stripe gum, and I love it, because I love goths and I love Fruit Stripe gum.
Also, it’s got one of those huge-ass skirts you can sit with your legs wide open in all night and won’t show wine stains, which always gets two ketchup chip crumb-covered thumbs up from a slob like me.
Here’s more of Lupita working it out on the red carpet, as well as Emma Stone (whose shady goth real estate agent dress tried to take out Naomi Watts), a My Little Victoria Pony-looking Lorelei Linklater, Laverne Cox who – as usual – did Beyonce better than Beyonce, and everyone else:
If you haven’t been able to guess by the sound of gleeful cackling coming from a fancy weed-scented chateau in France, Jennifer Aniston didn’t with that Best Most Serious Actress Who Isn’t Rachel Green Anymore award at the Golden Globes last night. Even though she’s been hustling Cake like the rent was due yesterday (see: that time she promoted Cake on The Dr. Oz Show), it doesn’t look like it really bothered her that much that she lost to Julianne Moore, because Jennifer Aniston truly is everyone’s no-fucks-given aunt.
First off, she arrived with the right attitude: be drunk and stay drunk, which she proved by grabbing Kate Hudson’s ass on the red carpet. Then she remained totally unfazed as she presented an award with America’s Current Lizard Sweetheart, Benedict Cumberbatch. That bitch was so chill, I bet that when she lost, she turned to Justin Theroux and was like “Well, that’s that. I’m going to the bathroom to take off my Spanx. Watch my purse, will ya?” Even when she was waiting for her ride at the end of the night, this TMZ video proves she was still a buzzed ball of fun:
As if calling someone a “fucker” wasn’t enough to win my heart for eternity, she was also dressed like the coolest girl at my high school prom: tits covered in sequins, thigh-high slit, wearing some random rented cummerbund she found on the floor of a limo, and her hair done up in a french twist with one single face-framing strand that she styled in the bathroom using a flask of Malibu. Basically = the coolest.
Here’s more of Jennifer Aniston, as well as a bunch of other well-dressed types last night, like Emma Stone wearing pants and a fancy tube top and Naomi Watts wearing a diamond snake: