The Game really needs to take Usher under his thirsty wing and show that trick how to really take a dick-flashing selfie, because this mess is the direct opposite of sexy.
Buzzfeed says that Usher threw up a Snapchat Story this morning that included a tour of his house and a naked selfie with the caption, “Blowing off steam.” I hear you thinking to yourself, “I didn’t know that one of Justin Bieber’s nicknames is Steam.” Usher meant that he was in the steam shower, and if he’s still in there, someone pull him out STAT, because that mess is shrinking his body. It looks like he’s got uncooked hot dog legs. Because of that angle and that sad look on his face, he looks like a malnourished Tweety Bird if a malnourished Tweety Bird transformed into a human. Sally Struthers is about to host an infomercial, benefiting Usher.
The full NSFW picture is after the cut, and the only good thing to come out of this selfie is that we can see the tip:
Looks like we can add another ensemble to Tim Gunn’s “Don’t Wear This” list of vulgar fashion atrocities.
The fifth annual LACMA Art+Film gala was held last night, and Kim Kardashian was there, which makes total sense, because Kim got her start in film. No, it’s because she’s a high klass lady who goes to high klass film galas. Also because Kris Jenner would go absolutely apeshit if she found out her top money maker passed up an opportunity to get dressed up in her “LOOK AT ME” finest and serve up some half-asleep FACE for the cameras.
We all know that Kim Kardashian has a severe allergy to good taste, so it’s really no surprise that she would show up to the LACMA gala in a cheap-looking Leg Avenue body stocking with her tits out. I mean, she had to do something to get some attention; she went a whole 24 hours without all eyes on her, thanks to her mother selfishly stealing the spotlight with her million-dollar
Great Mediocre Gatsby birthday party yesterday. So really, it’s more of a shock that she didn’t double-down and try to make up for lost attention by showing up totally nude while her intern (Kylie Jenner) followed closely behind, spritzing her plastic parts with Crisco.
Here’s more of Kim looking like a Living Dead Doll of a knocked-up zombie stripper at the LACMA Art+Film gala last night, as well all the other famous types who were there, like Reese Witherspoon, Goopy Paltrow, and Jared Leto, who is still working the malnourished methhead Joker look, I see.
I’m not sure what the inspiration behind Charli XCX’s Grammys outfit was, but I like to imagine that her stylist was going for ‘former Party Down employee who was fired for getting stoned and falling asleep on a pile of fur coats at a graduation party for Leonard Stiltskin’s daughter‘ sort of thing. She’s like the accidental hot tub baby of Roman and Bobbie St. Brown. She also kind of reminds me of a baby model from the baby formal wear page of a Sears catalog. You know, the one where all the babies look like tiny aspiring dinner theater magicians?
But if I have to be totally honest, that baby pink mink stole would have looked so much hotter paired with a floor-length crystal-studded Bob Mackie gown. Yes, I know that it’s no longer 1979 and not everyone can be Cher or Morgan Fairchild, but what ever happened to serving up show-stopping glitz n’ glamour at the Grammys? I understand that not everyone can handle the responsibility that comes along with walking the red carpet in some top-shelf crystal-covered eleganza, but at least they could try. It’s truly a dark day when only ONE person was brave enough to pull out all the stops (no, literally – there’s definitely a construction site missing its caution markers) and arrive working some old school beauty pageant glamour.
Here’s more of Charli XCX, as well as the rest of the dull, unpolished rhinestones that rolled down the Grammy red carpet last night, including an escort-looking Lady Gaga, Kelly Osbourne in Dame Edna drag, Katy Perry in Kelly Osbourne drag, and John Mayer making me completely ashamed to say I totally would:
You would think that the messy two-year marriage he had with Tameka Foster would have soured Usher on the idea of getting hitched again, but it looks like time heals all car-scratchin’ wounds and he’s ready to do it again. According to B. Scott (via UsWeekly), multiple sources have confirmed that Usher (Usher Usher) is engaged to his manager and girlfriend Grace Miguel after she was spotted in Miami recently with a ring on THAT FINGER. Urshurr and Grace have apparently been together since he split from Tameka in 2009. A source says:
“She’s happy but they’re trying to keep it quiet.”
Well, that’s going to be sort of difficult, considering she’s been photographed with a massive rock on her hand. Nothing says “Please don’t ask me about my engagement” like wearing a big-ass Ask Me About My Engagement™ diamond. Although I’m sure Usher had to propose to Grace with a gerbil-sized engagement ring; I can imagine that it’s almost impossible for Grace to understand Usher’s high-pitched dog whistle voice when he gets excited, so it helps to have a ring that can do the talking for him. Plus, she’s his manager – she knows how much money he makes. So it’s not like he can show up with a $300 number from Jared. “Oh, this is it? I didn’t realize you could use more work. I’ll get right on that.”
And I wonder if Usher will ask Justin Bieber to be in the wedding party? I think he’s old enough to handle the responsibilities that come with being a ring bearer.
For years, “The Release Of Usher’s Fuck Tape” has been under “Lindsay Lohan’s Comeback” on the list of things we keep being told are going to happen and never happen.
Three years ago, it was reported that in 2010, Usher made the genius move of leaving $1 million worth of jewelry and two laptops in the trunk one of his cars. Someone broke into the trunk of his car and stole everything including a laptop which had a sex tape he made with his then wife Tameka Foster on it. Someone tried selling the tape right after it was stolen, but nobody wanted to buy it. Last month, TMZ said that someone once again tried to get money for the tape, but instead of going to the porn companies they went to the blogs. Usher’s lawyer Mark Geragos has been trying to track down the trick who’s been peddling the sex tape.
Well, two days ago on the night before Jesus’ born day, two grainy ass screen shots that were supposedly from the sex tape (NSFW) made their way onto the Internet. The saying “You are the company you keep” is so right because on Christmas Day my Twitter timeline was full of dick-crazed whores going on and on about Usher’s peen. The screen shots are so damn grainy and the lighting is so bad that it could be Nipsey Russell nibbling on a chorizo for all we know.
Usher hasn’t said anything about the leak yet.
It’s also kind of hard to tell if it really is Usher’s dick. I mean, is it really Usher’s dick if Justin Bieber’s ass isn’t wrapped around it? That is the question.
Pic: Men’s Health
There’s really no reason for using Miley Cyrus to cover up cellphone lady’s no-no bits other than that I just thought it was the most appropriate choice, given that she’s sort of the current definition of drug-dipped WTF. And this story of Usher charging his phone in a pussy is all kinds of WTF. So just like every other celebrity in existence, dog whistle-voiced crooner Usher was at Art Basel in Miami taking in the deeply pretentious sights and sounds. And according to Gawker, one of the things he stumbled upon was a naked woman in a Jackie Rogers Jr. wig charging iPhones from her vagina. So naturally, he gave her his phone and she charged it.
Now, before you go cursing out your own down-lows for being lazy good for nothings who refuse to learn new skills like charging mobile devices, it appears from the pictures over at TMZ that she wasn’t actually sticking iPhones up her vag, but connecting them to a power cable sticking out of her pussy. Sorry, I think it’s just threaded through her fuck flaps. Either way, I have a feeling she won’t be able to return that cable to Best Buy when she realizes she’s $27 short on rent this month.
Wait, so all that trick did was sit there plugging in iPhones to a cord clenched between her cooter lips and called it art? That’s not art! Art would have been shoving an iPhone up her vag, busting out a couple rounds of kegels to make photo collage of her cervix and uploading the picture to Instagram. That’s real talent.
First things first, we need to talk about whoever at Billboard is responsible for that wonderful Usher pun. Usher in a new era. I love you. Your muffin basket is in the mail.
Usher recently spoke to Billboard about the tiny Canadian terror toddler he released into the world (aka Justin Bieber), specifically how their relationship has changed over the years. You see, when Usher first went to Canada to adopt the unruly gerbil, it was more of a big brother/little brother relationship. Usher took Justin under his wing and showed him the ropes. But then Justin turned 12 (or however old he is) and became a little shit, and started doing hoodrat stuff with his friends. Usher says that now that Justin has grown, their relationship is more “man-to-man” now, which has ushered in a new era where he ain’t afraid to whoop a trick if he steps out of line:
“He’s making his own decisions and it’s important to show support. I can say I’m not happy with all the choices my friend has made, but I’m supportive of him. I try my hardest to give as much positive reinforcement as I can. I’ll punch him in the fucking chest when I need to, and give him a hug and kiss when I need to. It’s more than just mentoring. I love the kid.”
I wonder which Justin likes more, getting a hug and kiss or taking one of Usher’s fists? My guess is the hug and the kiss, especially if they come with a lullaby sung through Usher’s beautiful dog whistle voice.
Either way, Usher and Justin’s new relationship sounds like some low-budget Beyond Scared Straight shit, and it kind of reminds me of the time I watched two teenage dirtbags attempt to fight each other at the end of my driveway. They started by blowing each other very aggressive air-kisses, which escalated to staring furiously into each others eyes, which escalated to one hissing “puta!” and poking at the other one’s chest. This went on for about 10 minutes and literally not one punch was thrown. It was so weird. Shit, maybe that was actually Justin and Usher! One did have a patchy little teen ‘stache.
…because DUH, where else is a toddler-faced hoochie supposed to bring it? Just like how Chuck E. Cheese is the place where a kid can be a kid, the red carpet at the VMAs is the place where a sexy fetus can dress in 90s day-shift streetwalker couture and the only thing people will wonder is whether or not her skirt is short enough. You should be dressed slutty enough that someone calls both the vice squad and CPS.
Ariana Grande Latte, the sexy rhythm-deficient singing fetus and Frankie Grande’s less famous sister, did what Ariana Grande Latte do best by by showing up to the VMAs looking like she was ready to turn tricks for Milli Vanilli’s Moonman, then find a no-good Kindergartener named Raiyden to which she can sell the Moonman for a bag of animal crackers and a Capri Sun. The only thing she needs to complete the look is a purse to carry the cellphone Frankie gave her (for when he needs to call her up and prove to people that he’s related to Ariana Grande), and she’s ready to hit the stroll! Click clack, pretend to make that Playskool money, honey! Although I have to deduct points for originality, since Paisley from Toddlers & Tiaras already did it first and, to be quite honest, better. But A+ for execution, no doubt about that.
Here’s more from the VMA red carpet, including JLo (who looked bueno, but also sort of like the Madame Tussauds version of herself), Jessie J wearing an IKEA curtain panel, Iggy Azalea looking like the princess of a far away land called Strippertonia, Charli XCX looking like Marsupilami’s skanky cousin, and a very knocked-up Kelly Rowland in Heidi hair.
After attempting for days to compose a statement that was more eloquent than just “Fuck fuck fuck, I messed up, I should never have released that rotten butt nugget into society”, Usher has finally released a statement regarding those videos of his 15-year-old protege Justin Bieber proudly burping out the n-word and gleefully singing about joining the KKK. “That’s my lil’ million-dollar mistake!” – Pattie Mallette.
Earlier today, Usher posted this picture of himself and a swaggy spoiled pre-teen Cabbage Patch Doll to Instagram along with the following message:
“At my core, I am a person that supports growth and understands without judgement, that growth often comes as a result of pain and continues effort. As I have watched Justin Bieber navigate difficult waters as a young man, I can tell you that he hasn’t always chosen the path of his greatest potential, but he is unequivocally not a racist. What he was 5 years ago was a naive child who did not understand the negative power and degradation that comes from playing with racial slurs. What he is now is a young man faced with an opportunity to become his best self, an example to the millions of kids that follow him to not make the same mistakes.”
I love the subtle shade of that last line. It’s basically a wordy way of saying: “If you don’t stop acting like a little shit, I’ll take away your Razor Scooter and change the wifi password.” Unfortunately for Usher, his infected scrotum piercing of a protege is going to keep fucking up, and unless he’s able to build a time machine and go back to 1994, find the stained couch in a basement in Stratford, Ontario where two teenage dummies are dry humping to “Informer”, and prevent Jeremy’s deadbeat sperm from lazily making its way to Pattie’s Grade F egg, he’s going to have to keep writing apologies.
The pictures of Justin Bieber attending the world premiere of his film Believe last night in L.A. are such a damn mess I don’t even know where to begin. Nearly every single picture raises more questions than it answers. Like why the hell is he wearing jeggings that are from the Misses department when it’s clear Justin is still in Juniors sizes? Does Usher know that hat should have been accessorized with buckle shoes? And the biggest question of them all- did someone tell Justin what poses to do?
“Justin! Over here! Give us the Jaden Smith look. Now turn and re-enact your mop bucket pissing incident. Half ass some rock horns. Think of the douchiest pose you could possibly do with your backup dancers and multiply that by a thousand. Hug your family like this gif doesn’t apply to all of you. Go tag that wall and then run crying to Usher when your wittle hands get dirty. Great!”
Here’s a gallery of Justin and his merry band of enablers. I think my favorite pic is the close up of the tassel flats that James Spader’s character from Pretty In Pink would have worn, but Steff would NOT have been caught dead dressed like a tampon on a light flow day.