The pictures of Justin Bieber attending the world premiere of his film Believe last night in L.A. are such a damn mess I don’t even know where to begin. Nearly every single picture raises more questions than it answers. Like why the hell is he wearing jeggings that are from the Misses department when it’s clear Justin is still in Juniors sizes? Does Usher know that hat should have been accessorized with buckle shoes? And the biggest question of them all- did someone tell Justin what poses to do?
“Justin! Over here! Give us the Jaden Smith look. Now turn and re-enact your mop bucket pissing incident. Half ass some rock horns. Think of the douchiest pose you could possibly do with your backup dancers and multiply that by a thousand. Hug your family like this gif doesn’t apply to all of you. Go tag that wall and then run crying to Usher when your wittle hands get dirty. Great!”
Here’s a gallery of Justin and his merry band of enablers. I think my favorite pic is the close up of the tassel flats that James Spader’s character from Pretty In Pink would have worn, but Steff would NOT have been caught dead dressed like a tampon on a light flow day.
I see that unintentional smiley, squint-eyed photo bomb in the background. This is a serious moment! Now is not the time for that shit.
According to People, Usher and Tameka Raymond spent all day in court today to fight for custody of their two sons AGAIN. Tameka called for an emergency custody hearing after her 5-year-old son Usher V almost drowned to death when his hand got stuck in a pool drain. Usher has physical custody of their sons and his aunt is usually the one who takes care of the kids. Tameka, Usher and his Aunt Rena all took turns testifying. Tameka broke down while saying that she doesn’t know if her child suffered permanent brain or heart damage from the accident. Tameka said that Aunt Rena is the main one who takes care of her sons and that Usher just flutters in and out from time to time. Tameka also called Aunt Rena “incompetent” when it comes to taking care of her sons and that Usher barely tells her what’s going on with their boys.
Usher gave a totally different story. DUH. Usher’s lawyer told the court that he’s the Father of the Century basically and their sons are better off with him. Usher said that the pool accident was just that, an accident, and it could’ve happened to anyone. Usher claims that he doesn’t keep their sons away from Tameka. While Tameka said that Usher Cinco is still in the hospital because his heart rate is low, Usher spit on that claim. Usher said that their son is still in the hospital, because he doesn’t want Usher Cinco to go home until the doctors are completely sure he’s healthy and okay.
After all of that, the judge dismissed the case and kept custody with Usher. Surprisingly, Tameka didn’t respond by opening her jaw and swallowing Usher whole. Usher and Tameka hugged and he told her he was sorry. Or maybe he whispered, “You tried it,” into her ear. I don’t know.
So that’s that. Now they can take their asses back to the hospital to be with their son and they can also get somebody to make a giant bubble for Usher V to get into whenever he’s going to go anywhere near a pool.
Usher and Tameka Foster’s 5-year-old son Usher Raymond V almost drowned to death in a pool at his house in Atlanta yesterday when one of his toys got stuck in the drain and he tried to get it out. Usher the Fifth’s arm got lodged in the drain and when his great auntie couldn’t get him out, Usher’s housekeeper tried to get him out and when the housekeeper couldn’t get him out, two subcontractors doing work at the house were able to do it. The subcontractors pulled little Usher out of the pool and one of them gave him CPR. Usher wasn’t home at the time. A rep for the Atlanta Police Department told AP that Usher V was alert and breathing in the ambulance. Usher V is in the hospital and doctors say he’ll be okay. And now his mom Tameka wants custody.
Usher and Tameka went through a long, messy custody battle and he ended up with primary physical custody of their two sons. Usher accused Tameka of being a crazy and going after his then girlfriend. During their custody battle, Tameka’s 11-year-old son (and Usher’s stepson) Kile Glover was declared brain dead after he was hit by a man driving a jet ski. Kile later died.
TMZ says that a quick minute after Usher V almost drowned, Tameka’s lawyers filed papers asking for an emergency custody hearing this week. Tameka thinks that Usher having physical custody is pretty much meaningless since he leaves them in other people’s care all the time. Tameka is also always throwing a side-eye at Usher’s aunt who was looking after Usher V when the kid’s arm got stuck in the drain. Supposedly, Usher’s aunt once let a stalker into the house while the kids were there and gets a little too physical when discipling the kids. And yes, I’m guessing that “little too physical” is code for “not afraid to whoop some ass if they get out of line.”
Tameka currently has some custodial rights, but not much, and wants physical custody now.
Damn. Usher V’s exit papers from the hospital haven’t even been drawn up yet and Tameka is already going after custody. It is that serious and it’s probably going to get even messier between these two. It’s like drama after drama after tragedy after tragedy. If I was them, I’d be paranoid all the time about my kids being near or in water. They’d wear water wings all day, have an oxygen tank strapped to their backs during their waking hours and I wouldn’t even let them drink from a water faucet without a lifeguard standing by.
Justin Bieber was allowed to stay up past mimi times last night to sit on a booster seat on the Late Show stage and talk about serious adult stuff with David Letterman. Letterman asked the beaver equivalent of a Skipper Doll about getting swabbed in the mouth to prove that it’s impossible for him to father a baby since the only liquid he produces is Poof ‘n Puff Perfume.
Bieber told Letterman that the swabbing took all of ten minutes and he got to keep his clothes on the entire time. Letterman said that his eyes have turned red over Mariah Yeater’s claims and the scent of weasel farts have trickled into his nostrils. Bieber responded by saying, “I could smell a weasel too.” Little did Bieber know, that wasn’t the smell of a weasel, that was the smell of a gerbil slathered in Crisco that Uncle Usher brought him to “play” with.
As Justin waits for Mariah Yeater to give up DNA from her baby, he reunited with Uncle Usher on Today this morning where he kissed a Belieber on the hand without a condom on his lips (cut to 9 months later with her holding a Baby Alive on the cover of Life & Style) and gave a wardrobe assistant a Crying Game moment.
Remember yesterday how I said that the crazy bitch who spit up bat shit at Usher for parking in a handicap spot should smoke some a bowl out of a Valium bong while a kitten massages her ear with its purrs to calm her ass down? It’s a good thing I kept a receipt for that comment, because I’m taking it back. Usher deserves to be covered with bat shit and beat with a dozen handicap parking placards for giving birth to the maple syrup-covered anti-Christ who is responsible for this dark-sided drummer boy fuckery (featuring Busta Rhymes).
The drummer boy just stopped drumming and poked his ears out with his sticks. Jesus just put a call in to Maury, because if he can prove that God is not the father, then Christmas is canceled forever and this song can be erased from the planet to never be heard from again. Jesus, let me dial that number for you.
Oh, and here’s another one to bang your head against a wall to. Mimi, you’ll never be forgiven for this.
Usher must not have been told that having an overgrown ego that cripples your sense of reason is not considered by the government as an official handicap, because he parked in a spot he wasn’t supposed to and it triggered a one-woman shit storm of insanity.
TMZ says that minutes after Usher drove his SUV into one of the handicap spots of a parking lot in Atlanta, a bitch went full crazy on his ass by spraying him in the face with a beer as he sat in the driver’s seat. Usher sprayed her back with water, which caused her to start kicking at his SUV. Usher then got out of the car and the mop-headed lunatic went after him while shouting “You don’t belong here!” (Insert obligatory YOU MAD.jpg here.) Shit got so real that Fat Elvis had to eat himself up through the grave and take a bus to Atlanta to tame this bruhaha. Watch and weep:
Justin Bieber was born in Usher’s uterus, so that asshole motherfucker deserves all the whoops he gets, but even I think that crazy in the long-form Dorothy Hamill wig should’ve dialed back the insanity a bit. We’re only allotted a certain number of public nervous breakdowns before the courts drop a CODE 5150 on our heads and this was not worth it. Bitch went crazy like that gold digging Tameka when Usher suggested they should use a condom so she won’t get knocked up with an ATM baby! The reasonable thing to do would’ve been to call a tow truck, slash his tires, fart on his door handle and then write “I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR JUSTIN BIEBER” on his windshield in red paint. That’s how a reasonable person handles shit.
And can somebody let this lady know that Omar Sharif would like a picture with her. You can tell her not to mind the line, Omar likes cutters. While you’re doing that, I’ll start writing Omar’s obit.
It’s that time of year again when celebwhores from every list gather in the desert of California and hipster-ize themselves by rolling around in a bin at the Salvation Army and filling their pores with Patchouli! It’s Coachella! It felt only fitting to let Tara Reid, who puts the hell in Coachella, lead the way of hos who look like they just fell out of the ass of an Urban Outfitters.
Only Tara the Terrible would wear Lucifer’s footwear of choice in 1 million degree weather. You just know the inside of her UGGs are coated with a thick, gooey toe-smegma that is made of whiskey that secretes out of her foot pores and coke dust from an 8-ball she stashed in there years ago. At the end of the night when all the food trucks are closed, Tara can smear that UGGs butter on a piece of cardboard and get drunk high all over again! Actually, Tara might be a genius for that. This is the only time in history I approve of UGGs.
Anyway, here’s who joined Tara in sweating their pits off while sucking the nuts of a coco. In order: Penn Badgley with the gay son from Desperate Housewives, RDJ!!!!, Vanessa Hudgens (who needs to know that we already have one Lisa Bonet), Tara, Jack Osbourne, Alessandra Ambrosio with her dude, Nick Simmons, Dita Von Teese, Usher, Danny DeVito, Ashley Greene with that dude from Kings of Leon, The Hoff with his latest leased piece, Kellan Lutz, Paul McCartney, ASkars with Kate Bosworth, Tony Hawk and Bud Bundy.
In December of 2009, Usher made the phrase “dumb fuck” proud when he supposedly left $1 million worth of jooree and two laptops in the trunk of his car. When you leave over $1 million of valuables in a car that is not the OnStar lady’s wet dream KITT, the universe will reward your dumbfuckness by sending a ho to snatch your car. That’s exactly what happened to Usher and now TMZ is saying that he might’ve taken his dumbness to the next level by leaving a sex tape on one of those stolen laptops. Because now somebody is peddling an Usher fuck tape and trying to sell it to the highest bidder. And no, Usher’s sex tape will not make its debut at the NAMBLA Film Festival, because it doesn’t co-star a certain Canadian superstar toddler.
TMZ says they have seen two stills and a clip of the tape and can confirm Usher slurps on the wet parts of his ex-wife Tameka Foster. TMZ also adds that “the people in the video are both givers.”
My fuck parts are in a state of confusion over this. On one hand, it’s a good day whenever dick gets its time under the spotlight. On the other hand, the dick is attached to Justin Bieber’s adoptive daddy and it’s also getting some tongue action from the big-boned skeleton that is Tameka Foster. The thought of those two scissoring is already a traumatic experience, but now those thoughts might be brought to life on our monitors? Well, it’s good news for those of you who are fans of Skeletor and Orko porn fiction.
Don’t get me wrong, my love for seeing peen in action knows no bounds, so I would definitely hit “play” on that mess. But I just know that doing so will suddenly make me an expert at cringe fapping.
It’s our future and you know what, I don’t even mind. 17-year-old Taylor Momsen is simply just a young girl who is trying to find herself in the clearance section of the Flirt catalog, the drawer where you keep your old black eyeliner pencils and the part of the WWE’s costume closet that houses the old bedazzled wrestling panties from their glory days.
Don’t you remember when you were a 17-year-old hunchback gutter Muppet and walking down a random alley while motioning to a dude that backdoor costs extra (or maybe you were motioning that you keep the 8-balls in your backdoor). This was all of us! Just think of Taylor Momsen as a Ghost of Whoredays Past who’s simply a version of your 17-year-old self but with even less dignity and more attention whoreness.
Cindy Hooha wore this elegant ho shit uniform to the Hollywood premiere of Justin Bieber’s new 3D movie last night. Yes, so that magical tingle you heard wasn’t the wind chime outside. It was Justin Bieber’s balls dropping as he laid eyes on Taylor Momsen looking like something that blew out of the Rock of Love Bus exhaust pipe.
And it’s funny that Miley Cyrus was also there and completely covered everything up. Miley gave us “middle-aged spiritual healer from Sedona, Arizona.” However, Noah Cyrus showed up in the same outfit as Taylor and had to go into the bathroom to change. Crisis averted.
Here’s another picture of Taylor’s walk of no shame as well as pictures of other hos at last night’s thing. In order: Sad Panda, Amanda Woodward, Miley with Tish and Noah, The Smiths, Bieber, Scary Spice with family, Usher with his sons, Toni Braxton, Leona Lewis and Selena Gomez.
If you would’ve asked me to bet my flavored lube collection on which “digitally dead” celeb would break their Twitter silence first, I would have put EVERYTHING on Kim Kardashian’s ass. It’s a good thing this didn’t happen. I would’ve had a thirsty and dusty b-hole (I set myself up for that one, I know), because Usher was the one who digitally opened his digital coffin and digitally rose from digital death.
As Necole Bitchie points out, Usher delivered his last rites on November 30th and was supposed to stay dead until $1 million is raised for the Keep a Child Alive charity. The charity isn’t halfway there, but that didn’t stop Usher from blurting out 4 Tweets over the weekend.
This campaign is bizarre for many reason, but a promise is a promise! Usher can’t just digitally rebuke digital death from his digital body because he feels like Tweeting about his lil’ homey. I guess Usher doesn’t care about keeping a child alive! THINK OF THE CHILDREN before you digitally resurrect yourself! It’s not Digital Easter yet!