Category: Uncomfortable

The Difficult Brown Could Go To Prison For Violating Probation

May 27, 2013 / Posted by:

Seen above looking like Queen Latifah’s girlfriend in Set It Off, The Difficult Brown could find himself soaping up his b-hole in a shower room full of prison bitches, because there’s a chance he might be thrown into a prison cell (he won’t). Chris Brown is on probation for nearly beating RiRi’s face off and he’s supposed to be on his best behavior at all times. But since he’s Chris Brown, he doesn’t have the ability to behave and he loves to act like an insufferable asshole whenever he gets the chance.

Chris ran his Range Rover into the back of a car in L.A. a few days ago and immediately broke the nerves of the other driver by refusing to exchange information. Usually when you get into a small car accident with a sane non-asshole, you exchange information before going your separate ways. But when you get into a car accident with Chris Brown, you nearly grind your teeth into dust, because trying to pull information out of him is like trying to pull a stubborn doody bubble out of your own ass.

TMZ says that Chris refused to give the driver he rear-ended his drivers license number. She kept asking for it and he kept refusing to give it to her. Chris did give her insurance information, but it turned out to be the wrong information.

Leaving the scene of an accident without exchanging proper and valid information is a crime, so the LAPD wants to talk to Chris. If he’s charged with quitting the scene without giving valid information, a judge could declare that he violated his probation and he could to go to prison for 4 years.

Well, we can never accuse Chris Brown of being smart in the brains. All he had to do was give the lady the right information and he couldn’t even do that right. Let’s not pop the Andre just yet, because I doubt he’ll ever see the inside of a prison cell. But damn, what kind of twat hits someone’s car and gives that someone fake insurance information? If Chris wanted to avoid insurance shit, he should’ve just pulled ten thousand dollars out of his asshole and given it to the lady. I bet that after he tricked her, he maniacally laughed while driving away. He’s worse than a cartoon villain.

QOTD: Vin Diesel Is Way Too Buff To Play Ferris Bueller

May 22, 2013 / Posted by:

Let’s all feel sad now, because according to Vin Diesel, there will never be a reboot of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off called Bueller: 2 Fast 2 Ferris starring him, because he has way too many muscles on his body to play a role like that. The veiny penis with biceps tells Men’s Fitness (via Vulture) that he only gets certain roles and it has nothing to do with him having the acting skills of an empty bottle of AXE body spray. It has to do with the fact that he’s a bag of skin stuffed with muscles.

“Being a physical presence will rule you out of a lot of roles. I couldn’t have done Ferris Bueller’s Day Off with that physical presence. But I like it as part of me; it’s part of what I represent, and I think if Humphrey Bogart were around today he’d be a lot bigger. Hollywood is more concerned about its male actors being in shape than its female actors.”

My day has been made by the image of Humphrey Bogart’s head on Vin Diesel’s body. Vin is not giving himself enough credit, though. The Pacifier was a comedic masterpiece and Matthew Broderick could never have done it with his non-physical presence.

But with that being said, I know Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen get more shit from Hollywood about their bodies than Rebel Wilson and Melissa McCarthy do (/sarcasm), but Vin Diesel is still wrong. Hollywood is concerned about everyone being in shape. It’s Hollywood. It’s the land of unrealistic everything. They want their dudes buff, their chicks skinny and they want their dogs to talk. How do you think my chihuahua feels when he watches a movie where the dog talks English and saves the world and shit? My dog can barely lick his own ass without falling over, so seeing a talking dog really screws with his self-esteem. But I just tell him, “It’s make believe!”

And here’s the dude we’ll never see as Ferris Bueller at the Hollywood premiere of another one of those driving movies, which also brought out Ludacris, Terror Reid and Michelle Rodriguez.

The Bling Ring Movie Brought Parasite Hilton To Tears

May 17, 2013 / Posted by:

Five years ago, when Wonky McValtrex was still the reigning fame whore queen of the ho stroll, she left her front door unlocked like the dumb shit she is and that allowed the Bling Ring to slip into her house and steal a bunch of crap from her. The Bling Ring did this five times, because just like Wonky’s coochie, her house is really easy to get into. Sofia Coppola made a movie about it and that movie premiered at Cannes last night. Since Wonky has a cameo in the movie and let Sofia shoot inside her house, she went to the premiere and brought her 8-month-old boy toy River Viiperi with her.

At the after-party for the movie, Wonks told Vulture that watching the movie made her cry out tears from her one good eye. Wonks didn’t cry, because the movie made her think of the days when she was still relevant. Wonks cried, because it reminded her of all the times she was violated by the Bling Ring.

“I was really emotional watching it. During some parts of it, I literally had tears in my eyes and I wanted to cry. I knew what happened with the burglaries, but I had never actually seen it — so watching it happen, I was like, ‘Oh my God, this really happened to me. These kids were really in my house and did this to me.’ It’s so violating. It just made me really angry and upset, and when I see these kids, I want to, like, slap them.”

(“Now you know how we feel, bitch!” said the hundreds of thousands of peens whose owners violated them by forcing them into Wonky’s crusty chocha cave of doom)

When Vulture asked Wonks about the burglaries, she said that she sort of feels bad for the guy burglar, because he only stole that stuff to impress the girl burglar. Wonks didn’t know the names of any of the burglars who burglarized her house FIVE TIMES. Then at the end of the interview, some dude asked Wonks for a picture and she said, “Yeah, bitch.”

Maybe it’s because I’m nostalgic or because I’ve been suffering from Kardashian-itis for way too long, but sometimes I actually miss this useless piece of vapid trash. Her brand of dumbness can be really entertaining. And now that we’ve all laughed at her dumbness like it was 2006, we can go back to not missing her.

Here’s Wonks and her fetus-aged boyfriend grossing everyone out last night. Somebody please call CPS, because I think Wonks gave that child seven kinds of VD.

Kim Kardashian Is Just Hearing About The Rumor That Kanye Is Getting It On With Riccardo Tisci

May 15, 2013 / Posted by:

The rumor that Kanye West is letting Givenchy’s creative director Riccardo Tisci pull up his leather kilt at the end of the night has been around for a while now, but I guess when you’re like Kim Kardashian and live in a fart bubble of narcissism, all non-Kardashian news never makes it into your ears. But after Kim wore a Givenchy sofa carcass to the Met Gala, some of her Twitter followers told her about the rumor that Kanye is gargling on the nutsack of the dude who designed her dress.

InTouch (via Radar) says that Kim’s followers told her that Kanye’s apartments in NYC and Paris are really close to Riccardo’s apartments, which totally means that they’re doing it. InTouch’s source says that Kanye does spend a lot of time in Paris with Riccardo, so Kim started freaking out.

“There are some facts Kim can’t deny. Kanye has spent her entire pregnancy living close to Riccardo in the French capital and Riccardo recently purchased an apartment less than half a mile from Kanye’s in NYC’s Soho neighborhood. Kanye is obsessed with Riccardo. They have a very deep bond. They spend a lot of time together at Kanye’s apartment.

Kim freaked out. If it turns out Kanye is involved with Riccardo, she will be utterly embarrassed — more so than she’s ever been in her life.”

Can I get a “BITCH, PLEASE“? If Kim hasn’t been embarrassed by her pimp mom, her plastic face, her fake wedding, her boring sex tape, her clothes and her entire existence, then I doubt this will embarrass her. Utterly. Kim doesn’t care if Kanye fucks men or fucks armadillos as long as he keeps her on the cover of every tabloid.

I just hope that if Kanye is involved with Riccardo that he properly moisturizes and lubes up that dry E.T. finger of his before they get into fingerbanging fun time.

Goopy Paltrow Thinks She Looks Like RuPaul Here

May 14, 2013 / Posted by:

In her 5,902,487th interview of the month, Goopy Paltrow tells USA Today that she knows the stick shoved up her ass is a “lightning rod” and people constantly “project a lot of stuff” onto her. She doesn’t ready any of that stuff, because it’s none of her business. Goopy gets that people think she’s too privileged, but she’s just a woman with real problems. Goopy’s not perfect and she has suffered in her life. Goopy does have a point. I mean, one time her laundress used Palmolive to wash her 22k white gold thread sheets. Goopy didn’t know about it until she had already used those sheets. She spent hours scrubbing the average out of her pristine skin with a sponge made from the fur of a wild baby boar. That is SUFFERING!

When Goopy started complaining about how tired she is, USA Today’s writer stroked the softest parts of her ego a bit by asking her how is it possible for her to look so fresh the morning after the Met Gala? Goopy spat this out:

“Are you crazy? I’m like RuPaul! I have so much makeup on. Foundation! Last night, I was literally a transvestite.”

Either English professor Rachel Zoe taught Gwyneth Paltrow what the definition of “literally” is or she’s trying to tell us that she’s got a flaccid, pasty, pencil dick hanging between her legs. Whatever the case may be, she’s offending “transvestites” everywhere, because no transvestite I’ve seen would ever go outside looking that bland, basic and boring.

And I have only one response to her “I’m like RuPaul” comment:

Play it again, because that comment deserves a double slap.

Kim Kardashian Pretends To Know What The Meaning Of “Recluse” Is

May 12, 2013 / Posted by:

In the fame whore dictionary, the definition of “recluse” is totally different than the definition in the dictionary all of us use. Because Kim Kartrashian thinks that a “recluse” is a shameless 24-hour spotlight fucker who spends more time in front of a camera than behind a camera, gives the paps several servings of her knocked up kamel toe daily and poses in a bikini for the cover of Recluse Weekly (known to you and me as UsWeekly). Kim tells the UK’s Fabulous Magazine (via HuffPo) that ever since Gay Fish’s sperm fish were turkey basted up into her baby making parts, she has become even more of a recluse. Well, you can’t say the word “recluse” without saying “wreck” and “loose,” so the heffa might have a point.

“I’m definitely more of a recluse since I was pregnant. But I haven’t necessarily decided to hold myself back, it’s just preparing myself for respecting the privacy of my child and my boyfriend.

There goes Kim throwing out words she doesn’t know the true meaning of! Ho wouldn’t know “respect” or “privacy” if they were both shaped like a boomerang and tapped her on the ass cheeks in a straight-to-Vivid sex tape. Kim then goes on to say some stuff that makes me think that her and Kanyetta West’s contract is coming to an end soon.

“We live different lives, but I love being open. That’s who I’ve always been. That will never change because that is who I am.”

Yes, Kim, we’ve seen you be all open around Ray-J’s crooked crowbar dick, so we know how open you are. It made you a STAH! And really, Kim is just setting up her inevitable split from Kanye. We all know how this is going to go. Pimp Mama Kris is going to get even more tabloid covers and non-stop coverage on TMZ by turning this into an all-out kustody battle. PMK will want full custody of Baby Kimye, because she needs a new generation of Kardashians to whore out. Kanye will want full custody of Baby Kimye, because he needs a baby to dress up in Givenchy leather skirts and he’ll need a friend to play with when he moves to the French countryside with his lovah. It’ll be like Kramer vs. Kramer if both Kramers were shameless whores.

And here’s Kim being all reclusive yesterday and Kanye leaving her house with the head wound he got when he lost a fight against a sign.

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