After centuries upon centuries of hearing that Brit Brit’s going to bring her Arm Waving And Lip-Synching Spectacular to Las Vegas, she finally announced on Good Morning America today that she’s doing a two year residency at Planet Hollywood. Thousands of her fans dressed up in her …Baby One More Time school girl outfit and dragged themselves to the middle of the Nevada desert at 2 in the morning to hold up a giant sign for her. Brit Brit saw the sign from a helicopter and she later told Sam Champion that she got the sicks during the ride. Yack, bitch! And yes, Brit Brit barfing up in the helicopter before announcing has Las Vegas shows is foreshadowing.
When Brit Brit finally landed on the ground and rinsed the voms out of her mouth with pork rind-flavored Listerine, she told Sam Champion that her new album is coming out on December 3rd and her Las Vegas show “Britney: Piece of Me” will start on December 27th. She’s (and by “she” I mean Daddy Spears and her other wallet holders) supposedly getting $30 million to do 96 shows during a 2 year period.
In the pre-recorded interview with RedFace McVeneers, Brit Brit didn’t look that uncomfortable and she didn’t look like a pilled up robot deer caught in the headlights. She looked semi-alive-ish! But then in the live interview, she was fidgety, over it and looked like she would’ve rather been eating a plate full of organic, farm fresh vegetables than be in the middle of the desert with Sam Champion. It’s hard to blame her, because standing on top of the graves of people who messed with the mob while being surrounded by a bunch of screaming crazies in school girl costumes sounds like a Hell worse than Burning Man.
And why was she dressed like a Hong Kong-based lady pimp?
A few days ago, a lawyer for Khyati Shah, the victim in the airborne teabagging gone wrong incident at the Billboard Music Awards, told the media that she was very close to slapping him with a lawsuit. Khyati’s lawyer, Vip Bhola, said that she suffered injuries that might affect her for the rest of her life. Now he’s saying that Miguel’s bad acrobatic decisions might’ve done serious damage to her brains.
Vip tells TMZ that some of the difficulties that Khyati’s experiencing “are cognitive in nature and lead to suspicion of a neurological head injury.” Vip also said the Billboard Music Awards were wrong for giving Khyati a piddly little ice pack for her head injury instead of rushing her ass to the ER. She is waiting for her test results and if there is any evidence of damage done to her brain, then it will be payday, bitches.
Khyati not only suffered injuries to her head, but she will forever be known as the poor girl who almost got her head ripped off by Miguel’s weapon of mass destruction (aka his leg). It’s kind of obvious that she suffered some kind of brain injury, because right after Miguel almost killed her, she said that she was a huge fan of his. She obviously wasn’t in her right mind, because at that moment she should’ve only been a fan of Larry H. Parker and ambulance who will take her to the hospital to get her head checked out. Give Khyati all the moneys!
And I’m sure Miguel’s lawyers will argue that he obviously suffers from some serious brain damage himself and look at him, he’s a star and performed at the Billboard Music Awards!
When dumb stupid buffoon Miguel violently teabagged a girl at the Billboard Music Awards, I started to countdown from 10 and figured that when I got to 5, Gloria Allred would’ve already announced in a press conference that the girl is suing his ass for zillions of dollars. Well, it took longer than I thought and Gloria Allred, surprisingly, isn’t involved, but the girl is getting close to dropping a lawsuit right on Miguel’s head.
Khyati Shah, the chick whose head became the meat in a Miguel and stage sandwich, hired lawyer Vip Bhola and he tells E! News that she’s been experiencing psychical “difficulties” since the Billboard Music Awards and is considering legal action. Vip says that Khyati’s doctors are going to examine her injuries and once they get the results back, they’ll decide whether or not to sue. Vip hasn’t spoken to Miguel’s lawyers yet, but he says he’s open to settling out of court.
Shortly after, Miguel kicked one girl in the face and nearly decapitated Khyati, they were both interviewed backstage:
Khyati made the mistake of going on camera and smiling like everything was peachy cream (copyright: Jennifer from Basketball Wives). I’d have a brace on my neck, a cast on my head, a metal back brace on my body and I’d be sipping Ensure while sitting on a wheelchair. If they interviewed me backstage, I’d be like, “Huh? What? Who are you? Where am I? The pain! The pain! Jesus, is that you? Jesus, hug me, I’m ready!” Then I would’ve sued Miguel, Billboard, the venue and Sir Isaac Newton.
Miguel should’ve known better. He really thinks he’s Prince and Janelle Monae. Prince wouldn’t have only landed that jump, but he would’ve done so while wearing 10-inch glossy heels. Leave the stage jumps to the professionals, Miguel.
If you woke up this morning and told yourself that your day is incomplete unless you hear about RiRi’s waxed coochie box, you’re in luck. Your day won’t be incomplete! When RiRi was with Chris Brown, her chocha hairs burned off at the sight of his face. But now that she’s no longer with Chris Brown, she keeps her crotch as smooth as a naked mole rat’s armpit by getting a Brazilian wax.
Some chicks say that getting a Brazilian wax is as pleasant and comfortable as riding a crocodile naked, but the chicks that I know that have gotten a Brazilian wax have all said that it’s not that bad. (Maybe they just have the crotch of a viking?) Since we’re on the subject of crotch grooming, one friend told me that her friend’s puss lips once got caught in an Epilady. That dumbass is obviously an amateur, because I’ve used an Epilady several times and it’s never gotten caught on my droopy as- I’m going to stop.
Anyway, the staff at Fuzz Wax Bar in Toronto tells The Daily Star (via Zap2It) that RiRi came in for a Brazilian wax and told them that she didn’t want any numbing cream, because she loves the pain of it all.
RiRi refused the numbing cream they apply as a standard process. “No way, I love the pain,” Rihanna tells the esthetician. “It feels good to me.”
On top of that, she never screeched or squealed during her full-bore bikini wax. The salon staff says the walls are very thin, so they could tell Rihanna was actually enjoying herself. “She was singing and humming songs all through the treatment,” says the source. “None of us could stop laughing.”
Now you know where to go if you want to get your flower waxed in a place where the walls are so thin that everyone can hear you scream in pain (or goat yodel with pleasure if you’re RiRi).
I’m actually surprised to hear that RiRi feels any kind of sensation down there. I’d think that fucking Chris Brown’s nasty ass for all those years would’ve left her snatch traumatized, numb and scared for a while.
Here’s RiRi patting her freshly waxed bits while performing in Bilbao, Spain the other night.
Seen above looking like Queen Latifah’s girlfriend in Set It Off, The Difficult Brown could find himself soaping up his b-hole in a shower room full of prison bitches, because there’s a chance he might be thrown into a prison cell (he won’t). Chris Brown is on probation for nearly beating RiRi’s face off and he’s supposed to be on his best behavior at all times. But since he’s Chris Brown, he doesn’t have the ability to behave and he loves to act like an insufferable asshole whenever he gets the chance.
Chris ran his Range Rover into the back of a car in L.A. a few days ago and immediately broke the nerves of the other driver by refusing to exchange information. Usually when you get into a small car accident with a sane non-asshole, you exchange information before going your separate ways. But when you get into a car accident with Chris Brown, you nearly grind your teeth into dust, because trying to pull information out of him is like trying to pull a stubborn doody bubble out of your own ass.
TMZ says that Chris refused to give the driver he rear-ended his drivers license number. She kept asking for it and he kept refusing to give it to her. Chris did give her insurance information, but it turned out to be the wrong information.
Leaving the scene of an accident without exchanging proper and valid information is a crime, so the LAPD wants to talk to Chris. If he’s charged with quitting the scene without giving valid information, a judge could declare that he violated his probation and he could to go to prison for 4 years.
Well, we can never accuse Chris Brown of being smart in the brains. All he had to do was give the lady the right information and he couldn’t even do that right. Let’s not pop the Andre just yet, because I doubt he’ll ever see the inside of a prison cell. But damn, what kind of twat hits someone’s car and gives that someone fake insurance information? If Chris wanted to avoid insurance shit, he should’ve just pulled ten thousand dollars out of his asshole and given it to the lady. I bet that after he tricked her, he maniacally laughed while driving away. He’s worse than a cartoon villain.
Let’s all feel sad now, because according to Vin Diesel, there will never be a reboot of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off called Bueller: 2 Fast 2 Ferris starring him, because he has way too many muscles on his body to play a role like that. The veiny penis with biceps tells Men’s Fitness (via Vulture) that he only gets certain roles and it has nothing to do with him having the acting skills of an empty bottle of AXE body spray. It has to do with the fact that he’s a bag of skin stuffed with muscles.
“Being a physical presence will rule you out of a lot of roles. I couldn’t have done Ferris Bueller’s Day Off with that physical presence. But I like it as part of me; it’s part of what I represent, and I think if Humphrey Bogart were around today he’d be a lot bigger. Hollywood is more concerned about its male actors being in shape than its female actors.”
My day has been made by the image of Humphrey Bogart’s head on Vin Diesel’s body. Vin is not giving himself enough credit, though. The Pacifier was a comedic masterpiece and Matthew Broderick could never have done it with his non-physical presence.
But with that being said, I know Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen get more shit from Hollywood about their bodies than Rebel Wilson and Melissa McCarthy do (/sarcasm), but Vin Diesel is still wrong. Hollywood is concerned about everyone being in shape. It’s Hollywood. It’s the land of unrealistic everything. They want their dudes buff, their chicks skinny and they want their dogs to talk. How do you think my chihuahua feels when he watches a movie where the dog talks English and saves the world and shit? My dog can barely lick his own ass without falling over, so seeing a talking dog really screws with his self-esteem. But I just tell him, “It’s make believe!”
And here’s the dude we’ll never see as Ferris Bueller at the Hollywood premiere of another one of those driving movies, which also brought out Ludacris, Terror Reid and Michelle Rodriguez.
Five years ago, when Wonky McValtrex was still the reigning fame whore queen of the ho stroll, she left her front door unlocked like the dumb shit she is and that allowed the Bling Ring to slip into her house and steal a bunch of crap from her. The Bling Ring did this five times, because just like Wonky’s coochie, her house is really easy to get into. Sofia Coppola made a movie about it and that movie premiered at Cannes last night. Since Wonky has a cameo in the movie and let Sofia shoot inside her house, she went to the premiere and brought her 8-month-old boy toy River Viiperi with her.
At the after-party for the movie, Wonks told Vulture that watching the movie made her cry out tears from her one good eye. Wonks didn’t cry, because the movie made her think of the days when she was still relevant. Wonks cried, because it reminded her of all the times she was violated by the Bling Ring.
“I was really emotional watching it. During some parts of it, I literally had tears in my eyes and I wanted to cry. I knew what happened with the burglaries, but I had never actually seen it — so watching it happen, I was like, ‘Oh my God, this really happened to me. These kids were really in my house and did this to me.’ It’s so violating. It just made me really angry and upset, and when I see these kids, I want to, like, slap them.”
(“Now you know how we feel, bitch!” said the hundreds of thousands of peens whose owners violated them by forcing them into Wonky’s crusty chocha cave of doom)
When Vulture asked Wonks about the burglaries, she said that she sort of feels bad for the guy burglar, because he only stole that stuff to impress the girl burglar. Wonks didn’t know the names of any of the burglars who burglarized her house FIVE TIMES. Then at the end of the interview, some dude asked Wonks for a picture and she said, “Yeah, bitch.”
Maybe it’s because I’m nostalgic or because I’ve been suffering from Kardashian-itis for way too long, but sometimes I actually miss this useless piece of vapid trash. Her brand of dumbness can be really entertaining. And now that we’ve all laughed at her dumbness like it was 2006, we can go back to not missing her.
Here’s Wonks and her fetus-aged boyfriend grossing everyone out last night. Somebody please call CPS, because I think Wonks gave that child seven kinds of VD.
The rumor that Kanye West is letting Givenchy’s creative director Riccardo Tisci pull up his leather kilt at the end of the night has been around for a while now, but I guess when you’re like Kim Kardashian and live in a fart bubble of narcissism, all non-Kardashian news never makes it into your ears. But after Kim wore a Givenchy sofa carcass to the Met Gala, some of her Twitter followers told her about the rumor that Kanye is gargling on the nutsack of the dude who designed her dress.
InTouch (via Radar) says that Kim’s followers told her that Kanye’s apartments in NYC and Paris are really close to Riccardo’s apartments, which totally means that they’re doing it. InTouch’s source says that Kanye does spend a lot of time in Paris with Riccardo, so Kim started freaking out.
“There are some facts Kim can’t deny. Kanye has spent her entire pregnancy living close to Riccardo in the French capital and Riccardo recently purchased an apartment less than half a mile from Kanye’s in NYC’s Soho neighborhood. Kanye is obsessed with Riccardo. They have a very deep bond. They spend a lot of time together at Kanye’s apartment.
Kim freaked out. If it turns out Kanye is involved with Riccardo, she will be utterly embarrassed — more so than she’s ever been in her life.”
Can I get a “BITCH, PLEASE“? If Kim hasn’t been embarrassed by her pimp mom, her plastic face, her fake wedding, her boring sex tape, her clothes and her entire existence, then I doubt this will embarrass her. Utterly. Kim doesn’t care if Kanye fucks men or fucks armadillos as long as he keeps her on the cover of every tabloid.
I just hope that if Kanye is involved with Riccardo that he properly moisturizes and lubes up that dry E.T. finger of his before they get into fingerbanging fun time.
In her 5,902,487th interview of the month, Goopy Paltrow tells USA Today that she knows the stick shoved up her ass is a “lightning rod” and people constantly “project a lot of stuff” onto her. She doesn’t ready any of that stuff, because it’s none of her business. Goopy gets that people think she’s too privileged, but she’s just a woman with real problems. Goopy’s not perfect and she has suffered in her life. Goopy does have a point. I mean, one time her laundress used Palmolive to wash her 22k white gold thread sheets. Goopy didn’t know about it until she had already used those sheets. She spent hours scrubbing the average out of her pristine skin with a sponge made from the fur of a wild baby boar. That is SUFFERING!
When Goopy started complaining about how tired she is, USA Today’s writer stroked the softest parts of her ego a bit by asking her how is it possible for her to look so fresh the morning after the Met Gala? Goopy spat this out:
“Are you crazy? I’m like RuPaul! I have so much makeup on. Foundation! Last night, I was literally a transvestite.”
Either English professor Rachel Zoe taught Gwyneth Paltrow what the definition of “literally” is or she’s trying to tell us that she’s got a flaccid, pasty, pencil dick hanging between her legs. Whatever the case may be, she’s offending “transvestites” everywhere, because no transvestite I’ve seen would ever go outside looking that bland, basic and boring.
And I have only one response to her “I’m like RuPaul” comment:
Play it again, because that comment deserves a double slap.
In the fame whore dictionary, the definition of “recluse” is totally different than the definition in the dictionary all of us use. Because Kim Kartrashian thinks that a “recluse” is a shameless 24-hour spotlight fucker who spends more time in front of a camera than behind a camera, gives the paps several servings of her knocked up kamel toe daily and poses in a bikini for the cover of Recluse Weekly (known to you and me as UsWeekly). Kim tells the UK’s Fabulous Magazine (via HuffPo) that ever since Gay Fish’s sperm fish were turkey basted up into her baby making parts, she has become even more of a recluse. Well, you can’t say the word “recluse” without saying “wreck” and “loose,” so the heffa might have a point.
“I’m definitely more of a recluse since I was pregnant. But I haven’t necessarily decided to hold myself back, it’s just preparing myself for respecting the privacy of my child and my boyfriend.
There goes Kim throwing out words she doesn’t know the true meaning of! Ho wouldn’t know “respect” or “privacy” if they were both shaped like a boomerang and tapped her on the ass cheeks in a straight-to-Vivid sex tape. Kim then goes on to say some stuff that makes me think that her and Kanyetta West’s contract is coming to an end soon.
“We live different lives, but I love being open. That’s who I’ve always been. That will never change because that is who I am.”
Yes, Kim, we’ve seen you be all open around Ray-J’s crooked crowbar dick, so we know how open you are. It made you a STAH! And really, Kim is just setting up her inevitable split from Kanye. We all know how this is going to go. Pimp Mama Kris is going to get even more tabloid covers and non-stop coverage on TMZ by turning this into an all-out kustody battle. PMK will want full custody of Baby Kimye, because she needs a new generation of Kardashians to whore out. Kanye will want full custody of Baby Kimye, because he needs a baby to dress up in Givenchy leather skirts and he’ll need a friend to play with when he moves to the French countryside with his lovah. It’ll be like Kramer vs. Kramer if both Kramers were shameless whores.
And here’s Kim being all reclusive yesterday and Kanye leaving her house with the head wound he got when he lost a fight against a sign.