Last night, amfAR’s annual Cinema Against AIDS Gala happened in Cannes, and Katy Perry showed up looking like the mother of the bride if the bride was the red dress cha cha dancing emoji. I’m sure Katy’s dress is very ~expensive~ and is handcrafted from only the finest of materials, but for some reason it’s setting off my Michaels craft store radar. “‘For some reason” – listen to me, acting like it has nothing to do with the $80 worth of silk peony petals attached to her body.
I used to be obsessed with fake flowers. Maybe it was because I watched so much Lifestyles of The Rich and Famous while my 6-year-old brain was still developing. Although I have no idea what episode triggered by silk flower obsession. My obsession with wigs, however – that definitely happened during the Raquel Welch episode. Regardless of when it happened, I used to collect fake flowers and I thought they were so glamorous and high class. Placing a single plastic-stemmed rose on my book shelf truly added an instant touch of elegance to my collection of Baby-Sitters Club books. So as much as I want to laugh at Katy’s dress and make a joke about how it looks like something that was stolen out of a repurposed Snapple bottle vase in the bathroom of a budget banquet hall, I just can’t. My love of fake flowers won’t let me.
Here’s more of Katy Perry, and everyone else who was at the amfAR Gala. Thanks to Uma Thurman, we now know what it would look like if Day-To-Night Barbie quit her job to focus solely on the Night part.
Charli XCX, who you may remember as the Tai to Iggy Azalea’s Cher, has been slowly inching her way into the Red Carpet Fuckery Hall of Fame for a while now. She’s slithered onto the red carpet looking like sloppy n’ slutty Morticia Addams. She showed up to last year’s Grammys looking like a rode-hard put-away-wrecked Super Star Ken doll.
And last night she proved she still really really wants a permanent spot in the Most Committed wing by sashaying onto the red carpet of the amfAR New York Gala looking like a picture of your messiest cousin from her first wedding in 1992 right before she threw a glass of wine in the groom’s face during a slow-dance to “Secret Lovers.”
A thousand blog posts were born yesterday after Uma Thurman showed up to the NYC premiere of NBC’s The Slap looking less Uma-ey than usual. (Side note: I am really disappointed that The Slap isn’t an ultra riveting mini-series about the events before and after Zsa Zsa Gabor slapped that cop in 1989.)
Some guessed that Uma pulled a Renee Zellweger and Rupert Everett by getting a Witness Protection Program face with the help of plastic surgeons. But Uma’s makeup artist Troy Surratt tells People that Uma’s transformation is all thanks to the power of SANS MASCARA. Troy kept her eyes mostly naked, smeared some foundation on her mug, feathered up her eyebrow situation, painted her lips and sprayed her down with some dewy mist stuff. VOILA! Instant Paris Face!
“Frankly, I’m quite surprised by the conversation. By now I would have thought that we were all open to and knowledgeable of the role that makeup plays in the world of fashion and particularly celebrity, as a medium for creative self expression. I think that women should feel open and free to experiment with different beauty looks — it’s only makeup, at the end of the day it all washes off.”
Surratt calls the look he created on Uma, “effortless Parisienne chic,” focusing on her lips and complexion. (Note: No mascara was used at all!)
“I wanted to give Uma a statement lip balanced by a more feathered brow,” he shares. “Uma and I discussed creating a look that was more editorial with soft natural lashes. As a makeup artist I’ve grown a bit tired of all of the lash-y looks and fake eyelashes that we’ve been seeing on the red carpet for some time now.”
So there you go. When you get up in the morning all you have to do is slick your hair back with some Crisco, put on some red lipstick, take a light brown Sharpie to your brows and spray your face with some dewy mist stuff (tap water will do). When you walk out of the door, it’ll be like the opening number in Beauty and the Beast. Everybody will sing “bonjour!” to you because they’ll think you’re French. “Effortless Parisienne chic” is the new Montenegro style!
At the NYC premiere of NBC’s The Slap last night, photographers were overhead saying, “Okay, stop playing, who sent this Sphynx cat in Uma Thurman’s place,” when Uma Thurman showed up not looking like Uma Thurman.
UsWeekly, E! and The Daily Mail all looked at these pictures of Uma and threw the same, “hmmmm…your face doesn’t ring a bell,” look that North West throws at Kim Kartrashian when she’s collected from the nanny for a photo-op. Some think that Uma got the Renee Zellweger Special and Botoxed and pulled her face into a new one. I don’t know. Here’s a picture from another event on January 28th:
It might just be a case of Uma SANS eyeliner and mascars. Maybe the new equation is: Uma Thurman – mascara – eyeliner + red lipstick + slicked back hair + drawn in brows = the spawn of Anjelica Huston and Tilda Swinton. I haven’t seen the reviews for The Slap, so I don’t know if they’re bad, but maybe she’s embarrassed by it and didn’t want to show her face at the premiere, so she showed a new one instead.
Pics: Wenn.com, Getty
Uma Thurman started bumping moist parts with Elle Macpherson’s ex piece, millionaire financier Arpad Busson (not to be confused with Uma Thurman’s other ex rich piece Andre Balazs whom I always confuse him with), in 2007 and they got engaged a year later. They broke up in 2009 for a minute, but they quickly got back together and got re-engaged. In 2012, Uma birthed out their daughter Rosalind Arusha Arkadina Altalune Florence Thurman-Busson (I’m surprised bitches didn’t go broke from buying ALL of the vowels for that name). They killed their engagement for good last April. Uma has been taking care of their daughter in NYC, but now Arpad, who is based in London, is challenging her ass for custody. Pull up the Pussy Wagon, because Uma’s got some slaying to do.
The NYDN says that Arpad’s lawyers filed an emergency order in Manhattan Supreme Court yesterday asking for custody of his and Uma’s 2-year-old daughter they call “Luna” for short. The papers are sealed so the NYDN doesn’t know why in Hell he’s coming for Uma now. Uma’s spokeswhore also didn’t give a reason when releasing this statement about this mess:
“It is unfortunate that this very private discussion regarding Mr. Busson’s visitation rights and his participation in decision making has been made public. However, we are optimistic that a fair agreement for both sides will be reached out of court.”
Coke fetus blind item aside, it would be a little surprising (although, nothing surprises me anymore) if Arpad dropped the shitty mom card on Uma. Uma and Ethan Hawke share joint custody of their kids and there’s no scandalous drama there that I know of. But that Arpad trick is a mess himself. Arpad has two kids with Elle Macpherson and they were engaged for a long ass time, but he refused to marry her after one day he suddenly realized that he, a strict Catholic man of GOD, could never marry a sinful heathen whore divorcee. If Arpad feels a sting on his cheek, that’s from a strict Catholic abuelita throwing a chancleta at him from the great beyond, because no so-called strict Catholic man of GOD busts raw nuts in tricks he’s not married to.
This is probably all about money. But maybe Arpad heard that whenever Uncle Quentin Tarantino comes to visit, he greets Uma by getting on his knees to kiss her toes. If that’s the case, then Uma dun goofed and she’s totally going to lose, because nobody should have to witness that gross shit.
“Oh, my sweet, breathe in the musty scent of your delicious foot stank on my mouth…” – QT
UsWeekly says that Quentin Tarantino has finally switched out his The Bride Real Doll for the real thing. It’s a good thing, because he’s had to have the rubber on the feet of his Uma Thurman Real Doll replaced several times. A source tells UsWeekly that QT has been dipping into Uma’s uma here and there throughout the years, but recently he’s been regularly slurping the foot sweat between her toes. During the Cannes Film Festival, Uma and QT shared a villa together and the source says she’s gone from his muse to that woman who gets to hear QT squeal when she gets out of the bath tub and tells him that she’s got toe raisins. Because to QT toe raisins = ribbed for HIS pleasure. The source said:
“They had a thing and got together again recently. He’s loved her for years. There has always been an attraction. She has indulged from time to time, and that’s how their relationship has always worked.”
Uma recently broke up with hedge fund mogul and the father of her kid Arki Busson.
These two make a whole lot of sense to me. While Uma’s in between billionaires, she might as well get with a kinky fucker who’ll give her free pedicures with his mouth. Uma’s hooves will always be looking fresh thanks to QT chewing off her corns and licking up her jam. But QT’s poor footlight is going to be so lonely now that he’s got Uma’s feet to entertain him.
Here’s Uma wearing toe cleaving-baring shoes while posing with QT at Cannes over the weekend.