It’s not often that the universe conspires to do us a favor but it must feel really sorry for us right now because it’s thrown us a tasty bone. I nearly plotzed (oh who am I kidding, I plotzed like a bitch) when I read in Entertainment Weekly that one of my favorite shows of all time, America’s Next Top Model was going to have a crossover episode with my absolute favorite show of all time RuPaul’s Drag Race in it’s upcoming Cycle 24. As we already know, Tyra Banks is back, and joining her will be Noted Fashion Photographer Nigel Barker, Ashley Graham, and Drew Elliott. Also, since both ANTM and Drag Race are on Vh1 now, there will be a crossover episode starring Katya, Valentina and Manila Luzon.
Erik Asla woke up to Tyra mail recently, and it was just a slip of paper saying, “When I come home, your shit better not be in any of my Tyra closets.” Page Six says Tyra Banks and Erik, a photographer and her baby daddy, have quit each other after five years. The two have a son, York Banks Asla, who was born in January 2016.
We all know that Mel B has been going through all of capital-I it lately. Her marriage finally ended and it was revealed that her husband, Stephen Belafonte, was a real piece of (allegedly violent) work. Then she was ordered to fork over a ton of cash to keep Stephen in the moocher lifestyle he had grown accustomed to. We also know that Mel B is close with her fellow America’s Got Talent judge Simon Cowell. Simon decided to make a joke about Mel B’s marriage last night on America’s Got Talent. That’s not Mel B showering Simon with a cup full of kisses.
One of the biggest problems with our current society is everyone’s thirst for instant fame. I blame people like Tyra Banks, who decided years ago it would be fun to take regular mu’fuckas, throw them on TV and make them famous during everyone’s favorite smizing hour, America’s Next Top Model.
Well, thankfully, karma has delivered its invoice to Tyra in the form of a lawsuit aimed at the producers of her newest gig, America’s Got Talent.
One word: LIFESIZE
— Tyra Banks (@tyrabanks) April 19, 2017
In case you never watched Life-Size, it’s the story of a young girl, played by a pre-mess Lindsay Lohan, who accidentally brings an Eve doll (a Barbie knock-off) to life using dark magic while trying to bring her mom back from the dead. Eve helps Lindsay Lohan, and then turns herself back into a doll. It’s honestly a really weird movie. Variety describes the plot of Life-Size 2 as basically Life-Size but with fake snow and a mall holiday soundtrack.
In Life-Size 2, Banks will reprise her iconic role as a doll that comes to life, but in the sequel, everyone’s favorite doll, Eve, has grown up. This time, she’s magically awoken to help a young woman learn to live and love again, and along the way, Eve herself will experience the ups and downs of real life in the telepic that’s described by the network as a “fun, edgy, modern Christmas movie.”
A fun and edgy Christmas movie? I guess that means we’re getting a scene where Eve does molly and fucks a mall Santa. Actually, probably not. Life-Size 2 will air on Freeform in December 2018. Tyra Banks will be back to play Eve, because duh, as if she’s going to let someone else take her job again. But no word on who will play that new young woman. Why not…Lindsay Lohan! After all, Lindsay no longer looks anything like 2000s Lindsay Lohan. And if anyone could use a “WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU” speech from Tyra, it’s Lindsay. Lindsay, call your agent!
Renowned media mogul, Tyra Banks, has practiced the time honored tradition of ageism for years. When her iconic skinny bitch showcase America’s Next Top Model debuted in 2003, there has always been three main simple rules: 1). I am your Queen! 2). At some point I’ma fuck your hair up. 3). Don’t be an old bitch.
Well, rules 1 and 2 are still in full effect, but Tyra has finally done away with rule number 3. She now welcomes contestants of every age to pack their bags (including the ones under their eyes) to smize away for cash prizes and reality supermodel infamy.