One word: LIFESIZE
— Tyra Banks (@tyrabanks) April 19, 2017
In case you never watched Life-Size, it’s the story of a young girl, played by a pre-mess Lindsay Lohan, who accidentally brings an Eve doll (a Barbie knock-off) to life using dark magic while trying to bring her mom back from the dead. Eve helps Lindsay Lohan, and then turns herself back into a doll. It’s honestly a really weird movie. Variety describes the plot of Life-Size 2 as basically Life-Size but with fake snow and a mall holiday soundtrack.
In Life-Size 2, Banks will reprise her iconic role as a doll that comes to life, but in the sequel, everyone’s favorite doll, Eve, has grown up. This time, she’s magically awoken to help a young woman learn to live and love again, and along the way, Eve herself will experience the ups and downs of real life in the telepic that’s described by the network as a “fun, edgy, modern Christmas movie.”
A fun and edgy Christmas movie? I guess that means we’re getting a scene where Eve does molly and fucks a mall Santa. Actually, probably not. Life-Size 2 will air on Freeform in December 2018. Tyra Banks will be back to play Eve, because duh, as if she’s going to let someone else take her job again. But no word on who will play that new young woman. Why not…Lindsay Lohan! After all, Lindsay no longer looks anything like 2000s Lindsay Lohan. And if anyone could use a “WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU” speech from Tyra, it’s Lindsay. Lindsay, call your agent!
Renowned media mogul, Tyra Banks, has practiced the time honored tradition of ageism for years. When her iconic skinny bitch showcase America’s Next Top Model debuted in 2003, there has always been three main simple rules: 1). I am your Queen! 2). At some point I’ma fuck your hair up. 3). Don’t be an old bitch.
Well, rules 1 and 2 are still in full effect, but Tyra has finally done away with rule number 3. She now welcomes contestants of every age to pack their bags (including the ones under their eyes) to smize away for cash prizes and reality supermodel infamy.
Seen above making the face that she and every working housekeeper makes whenever they think of Naomi Campbell, Tyra Banks has brought out the dead, dusty horse that is her feud with Naomi and continued to beat it like Naomi beating a maid with a BlackBerry. Tyra and the father of her kid, Erik Asla, were guests on the Norwegian-Swedish talk show Skavlan last week and their conversation turned to how she was terrorized by Naomi back in the day.
The “Bitches Of The Moment” feud all started when Rebecca Romjin Lettuce said Instagram tricks turned models aren’t true supermodels (she later cried clickbait). Stephanie Seymour then said that the term “supermodel” is a thing of the past and that Kendall Jenner and Gigi Hadid are more like “bitches of the moment.” Kendall Jenner called Stephanie Seymour a “cyberbully.” Gigi Hadid hasn’t really said anything (emojis don’t count!) but her mom Yolanda Foster has, which is just embarrassing. Gigi is definitely no supermodel because no supermodel lets her mommy defend her. And now, Tyra Banks has finally piped in and is using this dumb feud to talk about the strength of Tyra Banks!
Right this second in a nursery that’s covered with pictures of Tyra Banks, a brand new baby boy, who is wearing a onesie that is covered with Tyra Banks’ face, is making a confused look as his mother Tyra Banks tries to teach him how to smize. Ty Ty is not going to let him make his public debut until he successfully learns how to smile with his baby eyes. No child of hers is going to be seen in a picture without smizing.
Ty Ty announced on Instagram today that she and her man of 2 years, noted photographer Erik Asla (who sort of looks like a shrink wrapped Gordon Ramsay to me), are parents to a son who was born via surrogate. Tyra and Chrissy Teigen talked about their fertility issues on their now dead talk show FabLife. Chrissy is currently pregnant and now Tyra is somebody’s mother.
When I read the news and saw that picture of them, I figured the surrogate gave birth to an adorable tenhead with tiny arms and legs. But Tyra said in her Instagram post that the baby’s got her eyes and Erik’s chin. And surprisingly, Tyra didn’t name her son Tyro or Tyra, Jr.
The best present we worked and prayed so hard for is finally here. He’s got my fingers and big eyes and his daddy Erik’s mouth and chin. As we thank the angel of a woman that carried our miracle baby boy for us, we pray for everyone who struggles to reach this joyous milestone. York Banks Asla, welcome to the world.
York Banks sounds like the name of Carlton Banks‘ preppier and richer cousin who is his main rival at Princeton. And congrats to Tyra, Erik and York who better learn to smize like no other baby or he’ll be disowned!
“Oh, that exit door looks so beautiful and I can’t wait for the day when Tyra Banks’ ass walks through it” – Tyra’s co-hosts in that picture, probably.
Here’s two pieces of brand new information for you: 1. Tyra Banks had a new talk show called the FABLife and; 2. Tyra Banks is no longer on her new talk show called the FABLife.
The Hollywood Reporter says that less than 3 months after TYRA’S LIFE (aka the FABLife) debuted, Tyra has slid down the inflatable exit slide and is done with her show. TyTy said in a statement that she wants to focus on her Mary Kay wannabe cosmetics line and will no longer be on the show every day. TyTy will pop up every now and again and will stay on as executive producer until the end of the year. That’s if the FABLife isn’t throw onto the cancellation pile next week. Here’s TyTy’s statement:
“This is a very difficult decision, but necessary. I will be devoting more time to my new, growing cosmetics company, TYRA Beauty, which is expanding faster than anticipated, as well as overseeing my company’s other entertainment ventures. I will however continue to support the growth and success of ‘FABLife’ and greatly admire my fellow co-hosts and the talented production team behind the show.”
Chrissy Teigen, Joe Zee, Lauren Makk and Leah Ashley will stay on the show. There’s no plans to replace Tyra. (You know in Tyra’s head that sentence translates into: TYRA IS IRREPLACEABLE!) TMZ says that Tyra didn’t exactly go quietly. Tyra and another executive producer didn’t like each other and she was pissed that the producers went back on a promise to let her regularly push her makeup line on the show.
America’s Next Top Model is also ending, so soon Tyra’s face won’t be on television screens for the first time in centuries. I refuse to believe that Tyra just easily said goodbye to camera to focus on some makeup line. Hmmmm…I have a feeling that Tyra left the FABLife, because she’s going to try to breathe new life into the dead corpse that is The Tyra Banks Show. I hope that’s true because television has truly been missing some real investigative reporting like that segment on The Tyra Banks Show where Tyra shed light on fat shaming by going undercover as Madea’s sister.
Pics: Disney, Warner Bros.