It’s Monday so you probably woke up this morning with the hungover demons possessing your body, your breath smelling like Sunday night sangria and your eyeballs covered in crusties. You probably considered just never getting out of bed ever, because is a regular paycheck really worth getting up in the morning on a Monday? But you pulled yourself out, injected caffeine into your eyeballs, put on some clean panties and made it through the day by playing that Flappy Bird shit in your cubicle. We all made it through the day without murdering anyone (I think) or checking into the hospital because our bodies turned into a giant raisin from crying at the bottom of a hot shower for a few hours straight. Let’s all celebrate with this picture from W Magazine of Joe Manganiello with morning wood eyes. Or maybe he’s saying, “How about an early morning salad tossing? You do me first” with his eyes.
Photographers Mert and Marcus shot a bunch of famous hos in bed for W Magazine and some of them will give your genitals the sweats (see: Joe ManJello, STAINS’ human brother Jonathan Rhys Meyers and David Gandy) and some will make your b-hole poot out a “meh” (see: Vanessa Hudgens and that busted wig on her head and Kanye’s cuddle boo Riccardo Tisci).
And to answer the question in your head, no, it’s not weird at all to have that top picture turned into a body pillow with holes in it. That’s actually totally natural and not-at-all-crazy or creepy. Just make sure you get it in stain-resistant fabric like I did.
“Out of the way hags, a truly beautiful woman is coming through” was shouted at Sports Illustrated’s 50th Anniversary party in L.A. last night when Steven Tyler sashayed on through and showed the likes of Kate Upton, Marisa Miller, Ty Ty Banks, furniture mogul Kathy Ireland, Rebecca Romjin, Heidi Klum and Cheryl Tiegs how raw sex is really done. While looking like a Dark Crystal puppet that escaped out of the Jim Henson factory to fulfill its lifelong dream of working as a Linda Perry circa 1991 impersonator, Steven desecrated hos left and right with his glamour. If you ever want to see Kate Upton burst into a tsunami of tears and run toward the exit while questioning her entire existence, put this Honest John-looking hot bitch in front of her. She will go from thinking she’s hot shit to thinking she’s just shit.
And since every bad bitch beauty needs a battle song, this song was obviously playing in his head as he looked all those supermodels up and down:
Steven Tyler took the night, day, morning and everything in between!
Tyra Banks paid tribute to 15 iconic (her word, not mine) supermodels and since she can’t pay tribute to anyone without paying tribute to herself, she dressed up like all of them. The First Lady of Crazy tweeted 3 of the 15 pictures and claims that it was all done with make-up and posing and none of the pictures were touched by Photoshop. Jezebel says that all 15 portraits were photographed by Udo Spreitzenbarth and will be displayed at Jack Studios in NYC, because this shit is art! The 15 supermodels that TyTy does herself up as include Cindy Crawford (above), Kate Moss, Cara Delevigne, Jerry Hall, Linda Evangelista, Twiggy, Lauren Hutton, Iman, Brooke Shields, Claudia Schiffer, Grace Jones, Carmen Dell’Orefice, Kate Upton, Karlie Kloss and OF COURSE a 15-year-old Tyra Banks.
Tyra needs to re-educate herself, because less than half of those models are considered icons. Where’s Phoebe Price?! Where’s Angelyne? And no Naomi Campbell?! I guess that feud lives on.
Anyway, here’s TyTy as Kate Moss:
She’s looking like a scared and cold Smeagol who eats nothing but the toe nails of children and hasn’t taken a satisfying shit in years. NAILED IT! And here’s Ty Ty as Cara Delewhatevervingne:
Jezebel points out that some crazy bitches on Twatter are looking at these pictures and screaming WHITEFACE. They don’t think it’s right for a black person to put on whiteface since it’s not right for a white person to put on blackface. No, whiteface is not a real thing that exists. What really offends me is the fact that Tyra is trying to say these weren’t Photoshopped and it really REALLY offends me that she didn’t give any credit to my chola cousin who regularly used baby powder as a cover-up, because she said she wanted to look like a dramatic clown all the time.
In 2000, The Wonderful World of Disney aired a doll movie that was more terrifying than Talking Tina and Child’s Play combined and that doll movie was called Life-Size. In Life-Size, a young faced Lindsay Lohan plays a girl who uses magic to try to bring her mother back from the dead, but ends up giving life to the plastic doll her dad’s new piece gave her. It was Mannequin for little girls and gay boys, and it was the greatest thing both Tyra Banks and Lindsay Lohan have ever done.
Ty Ty knows Life-Size is the best thing she’s contributed to the world, because she’s coming back for more. Entertainment Weekly says that Ty Ty will executive produce and star in a sequel for the Disney Channel.
No word yet if Life-Size 2 will star Elizabeth Taylor’s #1 enemy Lindsay Lohan, but it better. How can you do a sequel to Life-Size without LiLo? My guess is that LiLo’s character grew up to become a major mess and was reunited with her Eve doll after breaking into her dad’s storage unit to look for stuff to sell for drug money. Then LiLo’s character realizes that the Eve doll was discontinued years ago and is probably worth a lot. So she trades her Eve doll in for a bump. What I’m saying is that I really hope Life-Size 2 takes place in a crack house.
And it better have a full-length version of this masterpiece in it:
America’s Next Top J. Jill Catalog Model’s ratings have been falling faster than Tyra Banks’ sanity and so she has pulled her defibrillator out to try to save it from completely flatlining. The New York Post reports that sometime yesterday, TyTy and the show’s executive producer Ken Mok fired noted fashion photographer Nigel Barker, noted sashayer Miss J and noted Tron unicorn Mr. J. All three of them have been with that shit since the beginning. TyTy confirmed on Facebook that the 19th season will be Nigel-less and J-less:
To my Nigel Barker, Miss J, and Mr Jay: Thank you for all of our years together on America’s Next Top Model! Working with you is always an absolute pleasure. Excited for what the future holds for us. XOXO, TyTy
Meanwhile, the deflating bag of cold farts that is Kelly Cutrone is staying on as a judge.
Apparently, TyTy is giving the 19th season a complete makeover and wants to bring social media into that shit. The producers are talking to a few fashions bloggers including BryanBoy.
Why doesn’t TyTy just get it over with and turn ANTM into America’s Next Top Tyra Is Tyra, judged by Tyra, styled by Tyra, starring Tyra and only Tyra? Nigel and Jay Manuel can go, but firing Miss Jay is like purposefully dimming the sparkle on a piece of glitter. TyTy has finally broken out of her straitjacket and gone full crazy bitch. But what’s even crazier is that I’ll still suffer through season 19, because I have major abandonment issues when it comes to reality shit shows (see: Survivor, Amazing Race, Dancing with the Has-Beens, The Real World, Cops, etc.. etc…).
Brenda Walsh and her education connections can slide over to the side for a second, because here comes self-proclaimed America’s Next Top Oprah, Tyra Banks, with her diploma from Harvard University’s Executive Education Owner/President Manager Program. The Washington Post says that Harvard’s Executive Education Manager Program costs around $99,000 and is only available to head bitches of companies with annual sales of at least $5 million.
After completing three three-week session cover the course of three years, Ty Ty graduated summa cum ME ME ME ME ME last week and Tweeted the above picture with the note:
Smiling ear2ear on the Harvard Business School campus w/ my diploma! Tnx 2 my fab photographer mama 4 the pic!
It’s times like this when I wish bells had eyes, because somebody or something needs to read TyTy with its side-eye. Tyra is a Harvard Education Manager Program graduate and yet she doesn’t know that “thanks” in textanese is THX? Didn’t she learn anything from Harvard?
Condragulations to Tyra. She has earned the right to use “Well, when I was at Harvard Business School….” as much as she wants during the next season of America’s Next Top Model: College Edition. And she will.
On the left is Disney Jr.’s production of The Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls in Love, and on the right is the epitome of gayelle love Portia de Rossi and her wife Ellen Degeneres at the totally pointless Teen Choice Awards in L.A. last night. You know, I’ve always made stupid jokes about how Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are the Muppet Babies (or the toddler brunette) version of Portia & Ellen and were only created to teach the children that lesbian love is a beautiful thing despite what the Faces of Crazy say, but this proves that there’s a method to my incoherent ramblings (not really).
This also proves that we can finally get rid of Justin Bieber and send him back to the Canadian Hasbro factory from which he came from if we can only get Usher to buy Ellen’s soul when the Canadian dollar dips below the US dollar so that he train her to yodel like a newborn puppy and thrust like a kitten having a seizure. Because if this doesn’t happen, it will only be a matter of time before the apocalypse is summoned when Usher agrees to be Justin & Selena’s sperm donor. Someone should get on that.
So last night was the Teen Choice Awards, which is only around to remind us that teens shouldn’t vote for shit. I mean, voting to give Taylor Swift a lifetime achievement award is making Uncle Sam switch fingers.
Here’s a bunch of pictures of some hos you didn’t know existed, forgot existed or wish didn’t exist. In order: Ty Ty Baby, The Lesbeaver, Rachel Bilson, Rebecca Black, Fergie, Selena Gomez, Ashley Greene, the Kardashian harem, Kowlina Kardashian, Sean Kingston, Blake Lively, Demi Lovato, that one from Glee, Raven, Taylor “Making Marilyn Roll In Her Grave” Swift, Cameron Diaz, Ian Somerhalder, Rupert Grint, Portia & Ellen Jr. and Portia & Ellen.
Let’s all bow our heads in mourning and pour one out for She-Ra’s horse Crystal Swift Wind who was brutally butchered by the first lady of crazy Ty Ty Banks. If She-Ra wasn’t just a plastic action figure who lives on a shelf in my closet, she’d avenge the murder of her best friend. Look at that crazy ass murdering bitch smiling a crazy smile while wearing Crystal Swift Wind’s wing as a trophy. It’s truly a sad day. R.I.P. Crystal Swift Wind.
Ty Ty tried to explain that mess of a bedazzled wing on her eye during an interview with Good Morning America to promote her teen fiction novel called Modelland. Ty Ty put the sparkle on the crazy when she explained it like this:
“So at Modelland, this fantasy world I’ve created for my novel, if you find one of these, which I call a Smize. It increase your chances of getting into the most exclusive school in the entire world. The school that creates that the most amazing supermodels called Intoxibellas. It increases your chances by 91%.”
No bitch, it only increases your chances of looking like a damn fool by 91%. Why didn’t that wing do its job and make her face fly away?
Leave it to Ty Ty Banks to take a pair of five cent fish nets from the store and wrap that mess around her head as though it was a piece of fine couture crafted from the hands of angel Coco Chanel herself. The Deadliest Catch indeed! No really, Ty Ty straight-up shoved her HD head into a pair of fishnets and cut the ends off. She gave herself a pat on the back for this shit on her Twitter:
So FRENCH VOGUE mask is sum cheap FISHNET stockings I got n crazy store n Paris! I cut em up n made it y’all. N did my ow hair n makeup.
Note to self: If I ever need a pair of fishnets in Paris, go to the CRAZIEST store. While I do appreciate Ty Ty’s MacGyver-like skills, she looks like a Christmas ham to me. The kind of ham that when you peel back the foil, you find that it has already spoiled so you don’t even cut the netting off. You immediately take it back to Food 4 Less for a store credit.
Besides, Marilyn Manson did it better:
I mean, how did Ty Ty even eat or drink? Somebody please tell me there’s a picture of Ty Ty shoving a slice of steak in between her fishnet holes. Make it work, Ty Ty! Oh wait, that’s the wrong show. Drecktitude, Ty Ry, drecktitude!
And here’s a few more pictures from Vogue’s 90th anniversary party in Paris last night: The First Lady of CRAZY, Jean Paul Gaultier, Jeremy Scott, Dita Von Teese, Zac Posen with Diane von Furstenberg, Marc Jacobs, Gis Bundchen, and the perpetually tanked Kate Moss.
Ty Ty the Terrible will not stop until she has raped and pillaged every single industry on this planet. That is why she is releasing a book. And no, it’s not called The Truly Tyra-ized Version Of The Tyra Banks Story About Tyra Banks As Told By Tyra Banks For Tyra Banks. It’s worse.
Ty Ty is writing a young adult fantasy novel that is being described as Harry Potter meets America’s Next Top Model. Ty Ty’s fantasy book takes readers into a magical world where superhuman supermodels called “intoxibellas” learn to perfect their powers at an exclusive academy. Ty Ty seriously needs to switch to a less toxic brand of wig glue already.
Here’s the press release from Ty Ty via People:
“It’s my novel called Modelland (pronounced “Model Land”) that takes you to a fantastical place you’ve never seen, or heard about, or read about before … Where dreams come true and life can change in the blink of a smoky eye.
Modelland has always been a part of my mind and my heart. I’m excited that you’ll be able to read about this magical world that’s been living in my dreams for so many years.”
Dear Zeus, please release the Kraken on Modelland:
Why bother reading Modelland when you can read Everybody Poops instead. It will leave you with the same taste in your mouth and it has less words. That’s the same thing I tell my mom when she says she doesn’t have the time to read Dlisted.