One of the biggest problems with our current society is everyone’s thirst for instant fame. I blame people like Tyra Banks, who decided years ago it would be fun to take regular mu’fuckas, throw them on TV and make them famous during everyone’s favorite smizing hour, America’s Next Top Model.
Well, thankfully, karma has delivered its invoice to Tyra in the form of a lawsuit aimed at the producers of her newest gig, America’s Got Talent.
One word: LIFESIZE
— Tyra Banks (@tyrabanks) April 19, 2017
In case you never watched Life-Size, it’s the story of a young girl, played by a pre-mess Lindsay Lohan, who accidentally brings an Eve doll (a Barbie knock-off) to life using dark magic while trying to bring her mom back from the dead. Eve helps Lindsay Lohan, and then turns herself back into a doll. It’s honestly a really weird movie. Variety describes the plot of Life-Size 2 as basically Life-Size but with fake snow and a mall holiday soundtrack.
In Life-Size 2, Banks will reprise her iconic role as a doll that comes to life, but in the sequel, everyone’s favorite doll, Eve, has grown up. This time, she’s magically awoken to help a young woman learn to live and love again, and along the way, Eve herself will experience the ups and downs of real life in the telepic that’s described by the network as a “fun, edgy, modern Christmas movie.”
A fun and edgy Christmas movie? I guess that means we’re getting a scene where Eve does molly and fucks a mall Santa. Actually, probably not. Life-Size 2 will air on Freeform in December 2018. Tyra Banks will be back to play Eve, because duh, as if she’s going to let someone else take her job again. But no word on who will play that new young woman. Why not…Lindsay Lohan! After all, Lindsay no longer looks anything like 2000s Lindsay Lohan. And if anyone could use a “WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU” speech from Tyra, it’s Lindsay. Lindsay, call your agent!
Renowned media mogul, Tyra Banks, has practiced the time honored tradition of ageism for years. When her iconic skinny bitch showcase America’s Next Top Model debuted in 2003, there has always been three main simple rules: 1). I am your Queen! 2). At some point I’ma fuck your hair up. 3). Don’t be an old bitch.
Well, rules 1 and 2 are still in full effect, but Tyra has finally done away with rule number 3. She now welcomes contestants of every age to pack their bags (including the ones under their eyes) to smize away for cash prizes and reality supermodel infamy.
Seen above making the face that she and every working housekeeper makes whenever they think of Naomi Campbell, Tyra Banks has brought out the dead, dusty horse that is her feud with Naomi and continued to beat it like Naomi beating a maid with a BlackBerry. Tyra and the father of her kid, Erik Asla, were guests on the Norwegian-Swedish talk show Skavlan last week and their conversation turned to how she was terrorized by Naomi back in the day.
The “Bitches Of The Moment” feud all started when Rebecca Romjin Lettuce said Instagram tricks turned models aren’t true supermodels (she later cried clickbait). Stephanie Seymour then said that the term “supermodel” is a thing of the past and that Kendall Jenner and Gigi Hadid are more like “bitches of the moment.” Kendall Jenner called Stephanie Seymour a “cyberbully.” Gigi Hadid hasn’t really said anything (emojis don’t count!) but her mom Yolanda Foster has, which is just embarrassing. Gigi is definitely no supermodel because no supermodel lets her mommy defend her. And now, Tyra Banks has finally piped in and is using this dumb feud to talk about the strength of Tyra Banks!
Right this second in a nursery that’s covered with pictures of Tyra Banks, a brand new baby boy, who is wearing a onesie that is covered with Tyra Banks’ face, is making a confused look as his mother Tyra Banks tries to teach him how to smize. Ty Ty is not going to let him make his public debut until he successfully learns how to smile with his baby eyes. No child of hers is going to be seen in a picture without smizing.
Ty Ty announced on Instagram today that she and her man of 2 years, noted photographer Erik Asla (who sort of looks like a shrink wrapped Gordon Ramsay to me), are parents to a son who was born via surrogate. Tyra and Chrissy Teigen talked about their fertility issues on their now dead talk show FabLife. Chrissy is currently pregnant and now Tyra is somebody’s mother.
When I read the news and saw that picture of them, I figured the surrogate gave birth to an adorable tenhead with tiny arms and legs. But Tyra said in her Instagram post that the baby’s got her eyes and Erik’s chin. And surprisingly, Tyra didn’t name her son Tyro or Tyra, Jr.
The best present we worked and prayed so hard for is finally here. He’s got my fingers and big eyes and his daddy Erik’s mouth and chin. As we thank the angel of a woman that carried our miracle baby boy for us, we pray for everyone who struggles to reach this joyous milestone. York Banks Asla, welcome to the world.
York Banks sounds like the name of Carlton Banks‘ preppier and richer cousin who is his main rival at Princeton. And congrats to Tyra, Erik and York who better learn to smize like no other baby or he’ll be disowned!