Right this second in a nursery that’s covered with pictures of Tyra Banks, a brand new baby boy, who is wearing a onesie that is covered with Tyra Banks’ face, is making a confused look as his mother Tyra Banks tries to teach him how to smize. Ty Ty is not going to let him make his public debut until he successfully learns how to smile with his baby eyes. No child of hers is going to be seen in a picture without smizing.
Ty Ty announced on Instagram today that she and her man of 2 years, noted photographer Erik Asla (who sort of looks like a shrink wrapped Gordon Ramsay to me), are parents to a son who was born via surrogate. Tyra and Chrissy Teigen talked about their fertility issues on their now dead talk show FabLife. Chrissy is currently pregnant and now Tyra is somebody’s mother.
When I read the news and saw that picture of them, I figured the surrogate gave birth to an adorable tenhead with tiny arms and legs. But Tyra said in her Instagram post that the baby’s got her eyes and Erik’s chin. And surprisingly, Tyra didn’t name her son Tyro or Tyra, Jr.
The best present we worked and prayed so hard for is finally here. He’s got my fingers and big eyes and his daddy Erik’s mouth and chin. As we thank the angel of a woman that carried our miracle baby boy for us, we pray for everyone who struggles to reach this joyous milestone. York Banks Asla, welcome to the world.
York Banks sounds like the name of Carlton Banks‘ preppier and richer cousin who is his main rival at Princeton. And congrats to Tyra, Erik and York who better learn to smize like no other baby or he’ll be disowned!
“Oh, that exit door looks so beautiful and I can’t wait for the day when Tyra Banks’ ass walks through it” – Tyra’s co-hosts in that picture, probably.
Here’s two pieces of brand new information for you: 1. Tyra Banks had a new talk show called the FABLife and; 2. Tyra Banks is no longer on her new talk show called the FABLife.
The Hollywood Reporter says that less than 3 months after TYRA’S LIFE (aka the FABLife) debuted, Tyra has slid down the inflatable exit slide and is done with her show. TyTy said in a statement that she wants to focus on her Mary Kay wannabe cosmetics line and will no longer be on the show every day. TyTy will pop up every now and again and will stay on as executive producer until the end of the year. That’s if the FABLife isn’t throw onto the cancellation pile next week. Here’s TyTy’s statement:
“This is a very difficult decision, but necessary. I will be devoting more time to my new, growing cosmetics company, TYRA Beauty, which is expanding faster than anticipated, as well as overseeing my company’s other entertainment ventures. I will however continue to support the growth and success of ‘FABLife’ and greatly admire my fellow co-hosts and the talented production team behind the show.”
Chrissy Teigen, Joe Zee, Lauren Makk and Leah Ashley will stay on the show. There’s no plans to replace Tyra. (You know in Tyra’s head that sentence translates into: TYRA IS IRREPLACEABLE!) TMZ says that Tyra didn’t exactly go quietly. Tyra and another executive producer didn’t like each other and she was pissed that the producers went back on a promise to let her regularly push her makeup line on the show.
America’s Next Top Model is also ending, so soon Tyra’s face won’t be on television screens for the first time in centuries. I refuse to believe that Tyra just easily said goodbye to camera to focus on some makeup line. Hmmmm…I have a feeling that Tyra left the FABLife, because she’s going to try to breathe new life into the dead corpse that is The Tyra Banks Show. I hope that’s true because television has truly been missing some real investigative reporting like that segment on The Tyra Banks Show where Tyra shed light on fat shaming by going undercover as Madea’s sister.
Pics: Disney, Warner Bros.
Never forget the Jane Magazine judge (the dude in the tie) from season 2.
What’s the opposite of smizing? Frowzing? I’m frowzing today, because as someone who has watched every single episode of every single season, this news gives me the sads. It gives me the sads, because it’s the end of a train wreck era and I’m sad because I just reminded myself that I watched every single episode of every single season of America’s Next Top Model. What am I doing with my life?
Somewhere in the offices of The CW recently, an executive stood in front of Tyra Banks and the producers of Beauty and the Beast and said, “I have two of our shows standing before me, but I only have one renewal contract in my hand and this renewal contract represents the show that is going on to next season… Just kidding, you’re both canceled!” The CW announced that they have canceled Beauty and the Beast after four seasons and ANTM after 22 (mostly) foolery-filled seasons. Tyra will no longer have a platform to torture future catalog models (if they’re lucky) by making them do jacked-up photo shoots and by ruining their hair. Before this tragic news was announced, Tyra went on Instagram and tried to act like it was her decision. Oh, typical TyTy Baby!
Thinking #ANTM #cycle22 should be our last cycle. Yeah, I truly believe it’s time. Our diehard fans know we’ve expanded the definition of beauty, presented what Flawsome is, tooched and booched and boom boom boomed, shown the world how to show their neck, rocked couture/catalogue/commercial poses, have found our (and your) light, strutted countless runways, gone on tons of go-sees, added guys to the girls mix, and have traveled around the globe and back again. Yeah, it’s time. It really is.
Wow, I am SO proud of what Top Model has done.
The final season of ANTM is on right now and the final episode will air on December 4, 12 years after this beautiful trashy mess of a show first premiered on the UPN.
Farewell, ANTM, thank you for giving us the return of Janice Dickinson, Natasha’s truth talk, Nyle’s body, Rebecca’s fainting spell, Tyra’s ultra dramatic “We were all rooting for you!” monologue, the musical masterpiece “Shake Your Body,” a busted beard weave and of course the bi-racial butterfly Jade.
I know, I know, technically that picture was taken in the early 90s, but who cares about petty details when there’s good news to talk about for a change.
Variety says that the NBC peacock has finally pulled its head out of its ass and is doing what it should’ve done a long time ago. NBC is making a TV show about the modeling world in the 80s. One of George Clooney’s drinking partners and one of the biggest supermodels of all-time, Cindy Crawford, is producing the drama with Anne Heche and Anne’s husband James Tupper. Random IS Anne Heche and Cindy Crawford making a glamorous TV show about warring models in the 80s. Variety has a few details:
“Icon,” hailing from Universal TV, revolves around the modeling wars in the ’80s that occurred between Ford Modeling Agency and Elite Model Management. The show is completely fictionalized, rather than a re-telling of Crawford’s own experiences. No actual names of models or figures from the time will be used.
I know we’ve all been waiting for Cindy Crawford to once again knock us over with her impeccable acting skills the way she did in Fair Game, but she’s not going to be in it. She’s strictly producing.
This world needs a lot of things, but it really needs a TV show about 80s models. I hope Cindy, Anne and Anne’s husband don’t fuck it up. I also hope it’s a hit, because if it is, it may lead to reboots of Models Inc. and the 80s jewel that never got the chance to fully sparkle: Paper Dolls!
Actually, Cindy should just go ahead and save herself some time and just remake Paper Dolls using the original cast.
Pics: Peter Lindbergh
I know this is Tyra Banks doing an impression of Lindsay Lohan, but it also looks like Tyra Banks doing an impression of Tyra Banks trying to pull a clump of weave hair from the shower drain. Smize and yank, bitch!
Trya (typo that stays) was on Watch What Happens Live last night with toe-tapping human-looking snapping turtle Derek Hough and in between talking about the head of Victoria’s Secret doing her dirty by denying her a lifetime’s supply of underwear and hustling RuPaul for a guest spot on Drag Race (she means as a contestant, right?), she got around to talking about the biggest achievement in her 23-year career: the made-for-TV Disney film, LIFE SIZE. Specifically, how she’s currently working on writing and producing (and starring in and directing and composing the score and running the craft service truck) the sequel, Life Size 2.
Eventually, someone called in and asked Tyra the most important question about Life Size 2: has she taken any acting lessons since she shot the original Life Size. NO! They asked Tyra if her co-star Lindsay Lohan would be returning for the sequel. Tyra said that she hasn’t talked to Lindsay about it, but that it might be difficult to get her to come back. She was 11-years-old when she filmed the first Life Size, and now – as Tyra says – she’s a woman who probably doesn’t play with Barbies anymore:
That was quite possibly the kindest impression I have ever seen, because there was 0% of Lindsay Lohan in it. Tyra’s eyes were open (wrong) and she was coherent (wrong). She didn’t appear to have a stomach filled with crushed-up pills and vodka (wrong) or try to convince anyone she was sober and ready to get back to work (wrong).
But that was kind of Tyra to pretend they were ever interested in having Lindsay return for the sequel. Unless there’s a part for a tired-looking messy booze-chugging party rat who steals Barbie dolls and melts down their hair to get high, there’s no room for LiLo in Life Size 2.
It’s Monday so you probably woke up this morning with the hungover demons possessing your body, your breath smelling like Sunday night sangria and your eyeballs covered in crusties. You probably considered just never getting out of bed ever, because is a regular paycheck really worth getting up in the morning on a Monday? But you pulled yourself out, injected caffeine into your eyeballs, put on some clean panties and made it through the day by playing that Flappy Bird shit in your cubicle. We all made it through the day without murdering anyone (I think) or checking into the hospital because our bodies turned into a giant raisin from crying at the bottom of a hot shower for a few hours straight. Let’s all celebrate with this picture from W Magazine of Joe Manganiello with morning wood eyes. Or maybe he’s saying, “How about an early morning salad tossing? You do me first” with his eyes.
Photographers Mert and Marcus shot a bunch of famous hos in bed for W Magazine and some of them will give your genitals the sweats (see: Joe ManJello, STAINS’ human brother Jonathan Rhys Meyers and David Gandy) and some will make your b-hole poot out a “meh” (see: Vanessa Hudgens and that busted wig on her head and Kanye’s cuddle boo Riccardo Tisci).
And to answer the question in your head, no, it’s not weird at all to have that top picture turned into a body pillow with holes in it. That’s actually totally natural and not-at-all-crazy or creepy. Just make sure you get it in stain-resistant fabric like I did.
“Out of the way hags, a truly beautiful woman is coming through” was shouted at Sports Illustrated’s 50th Anniversary party in L.A. last night when Steven Tyler sashayed on through and showed the likes of Kate Upton, Marisa Miller, Ty Ty Banks, furniture mogul Kathy Ireland, Rebecca Romjin, Heidi Klum and Cheryl Tiegs how raw sex is really done. While looking like a Dark Crystal puppet that escaped out of the Jim Henson factory to fulfill its lifelong dream of working as a Linda Perry circa 1991 impersonator, Steven desecrated hos left and right with his glamour. If you ever want to see Kate Upton burst into a tsunami of tears and run toward the exit while questioning her entire existence, put this Honest John-looking hot bitch in front of her. She will go from thinking she’s hot shit to thinking she’s just shit.
And since every bad bitch beauty needs a battle song, this song was obviously playing in his head as he looked all those supermodels up and down:
Steven Tyler took the night, day, morning and everything in between!
Tyra Banks paid tribute to 15 iconic (her word, not mine) supermodels and since she can’t pay tribute to anyone without paying tribute to herself, she dressed up like all of them. The First Lady of Crazy tweeted 3 of the 15 pictures and claims that it was all done with make-up and posing and none of the pictures were touched by Photoshop. Jezebel says that all 15 portraits were photographed by Udo Spreitzenbarth and will be displayed at Jack Studios in NYC, because this shit is art! The 15 supermodels that TyTy does herself up as include Cindy Crawford (above), Kate Moss, Cara Delevigne, Jerry Hall, Linda Evangelista, Twiggy, Lauren Hutton, Iman, Brooke Shields, Claudia Schiffer, Grace Jones, Carmen Dell’Orefice, Kate Upton, Karlie Kloss and OF COURSE a 15-year-old Tyra Banks.
Tyra needs to re-educate herself, because less than half of those models are considered icons. Where’s Phoebe Price?! Where’s Angelyne? And no Naomi Campbell?! I guess that feud lives on.
Anyway, here’s TyTy as Kate Moss:
She’s looking like a scared and cold Smeagol who eats nothing but the toe nails of children and hasn’t taken a satisfying shit in years. NAILED IT! And here’s Ty Ty as Cara Delewhatevervingne:
Jezebel points out that some crazy bitches on Twatter are looking at these pictures and screaming WHITEFACE. They don’t think it’s right for a black person to put on whiteface since it’s not right for a white person to put on blackface. No, whiteface is not a real thing that exists. What really offends me is the fact that Tyra is trying to say these weren’t Photoshopped and it really REALLY offends me that she didn’t give any credit to my chola cousin who regularly used baby powder as a cover-up, because she said she wanted to look like a dramatic clown all the time.
In 2000, The Wonderful World of Disney aired a doll movie that was more terrifying than Talking Tina and Child’s Play combined and that doll movie was called Life-Size. In Life-Size, a young faced Lindsay Lohan plays a girl who uses magic to try to bring her mother back from the dead, but ends up giving life to the plastic doll her dad’s new piece gave her. It was Mannequin for little girls and gay boys, and it was the greatest thing both Tyra Banks and Lindsay Lohan have ever done.
Ty Ty knows Life-Size is the best thing she’s contributed to the world, because she’s coming back for more. Entertainment Weekly says that Ty Ty will executive produce and star in a sequel for the Disney Channel.
No word yet if Life-Size 2 will star Elizabeth Taylor’s #1 enemy Lindsay Lohan, but it better. How can you do a sequel to Life-Size without LiLo? My guess is that LiLo’s character grew up to become a major mess and was reunited with her Eve doll after breaking into her dad’s storage unit to look for stuff to sell for drug money. Then LiLo’s character realizes that the Eve doll was discontinued years ago and is probably worth a lot. So she trades her Eve doll in for a bump. What I’m saying is that I really hope Life-Size 2 takes place in a crack house.
And it better have a full-length version of this masterpiece in it:
America’s Next Top J. Jill Catalog Model’s ratings have been falling faster than Tyra Banks’ sanity and so she has pulled her defibrillator out to try to save it from completely flatlining. The New York Post reports that sometime yesterday, TyTy and the show’s executive producer Ken Mok fired noted fashion photographer Nigel Barker, noted sashayer Miss J and noted Tron unicorn Mr. J. All three of them have been with that shit since the beginning. TyTy confirmed on Facebook that the 19th season will be Nigel-less and J-less:
To my Nigel Barker, Miss J, and Mr Jay: Thank you for all of our years together on America’s Next Top Model! Working with you is always an absolute pleasure. Excited for what the future holds for us. XOXO, TyTy
Meanwhile, the deflating bag of cold farts that is Kelly Cutrone is staying on as a judge.
Apparently, TyTy is giving the 19th season a complete makeover and wants to bring social media into that shit. The producers are talking to a few fashions bloggers including BryanBoy.
Why doesn’t TyTy just get it over with and turn ANTM into America’s Next Top Tyra Is Tyra, judged by Tyra, styled by Tyra, starring Tyra and only Tyra? Nigel and Jay Manuel can go, but firing Miss Jay is like purposefully dimming the sparkle on a piece of glitter. TyTy has finally broken out of her straitjacket and gone full crazy bitch. But what’s even crazier is that I’ll still suffer through season 19, because I have major abandonment issues when it comes to reality shit shows (see: Survivor, Amazing Race, Dancing with the Has-Beens, The Real World, Cops, etc.. etc…).