Prepare all your “Sure, Jans” – you will surely need them. Naya Rivera had a bit of titty problem at the Vanity Fair Young Hollywood party last night. Normally staring directly into Naya’s Grand Canyon deep cleavage would leave you dizzy or light-headed. But last night, the only feeling it gave people was a sense of wonder. Specifically, they wondered why it looked as though her left titty was trying get a better look at that fancy necklace she’s wearing. Well, good news – she has an explanation for that.
“Absolutely loved this @TadashiShoji look tonight for the @VanityFair young Hollywood party! Shout out to my son for the lopsided boobs. LOL #breastfeeding #momlife He is SO worth it.”
Baby Josey is apparently a tiny sorcerer who was blessed with the ability to relocate silicone. I don’t know how useful that skill is, but who knows? Okay, so we know why the boobs look the way they do. Now all we need to know is who is responsible for Kardashian-ing her face. And don’t blame the baby, Naya. The last time I checked, babies don’t have the magical ability to turn you into the Kim K version of yourself.
After losing a bunch of weight by handcuffing herself to a treadmill set to ‘Usain Bolt’ and drinking nothing but water-flavored water blended with water (sorry…Weight Watchers. She lost it with Weight Watchers) Jessica Simpson realized that somewhere along the line her ass said “Bye, bitch!” and took off. And I don’t blame it! If I were being denied buttered Pop Tarts, I’d quit too.
Now Jessica wants it back, but she can’t have it back! Her old butt has gained a bunch of self-esteem by listening to nothing but Mary J. Blige and it’s not about to go crawling back to the cruel oppressor who forced it do power squats until it was so tight Papa Joe could bounce quarters off it. NO MORE DRAMA! If Jessica wants a new booty, she’s going to have to buy one. And according to the National Enquirer (via Radar) she’s already started skimming off the top of Eric Johnson’s allowance, because an insider claims Jessica is obsessed with Kim Kardashian’s exquisite silicone-stuffed ass and she’s ready to do anything to get it.
In response to the gauntlet thrown down by the deviantART painting of a sexy alien stripper released by Mariah Carey last week, the original JLo Kardashian Jennifer Lopez has released her own work of visual fiction by revealing the cover art for her upcoming album A.K.A. on Twitter Monday morning. I’m really glad the graphic designer put JLo’s name in giant gold letters on the upper left-hand corner so we’d know right away who we were looking at, because if they hadn’t, I think a lot of people would have mistook this for a promo shot for a future Snatch Game episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race. That’s not to say that JLo looks like a drag queen here; she looks like a drag queen pretending to be JLo (big difference). And yes, that drag queen’s name is Discreet O’ Burrito (she’s half-Irish).
I’d say I’d like to see what the before picture of JLo looked like, but I honestly don’t believe this is the result of Photoshopping to death one picture. Everything sort of looks like a compilation, like they couldn’t get JLo in the studio for a photo shoot, so she gave them the go-ahead to Frankenstein together an exquisite corpse and bury the result under 20 heavy layers of Photoshop filters; the result of which makes Jennifer Lopez look about as natural and realistic as South Park’s Jennifer Lopez. And speaking of layers and filters, it looks like I should update my version to include the tool that replaces human eyes with evil-looking snake marbles.
In case you need your memory jogged as to what JLo actually looks like, here’s the non-plastic (errrr) human version of Jennifer Lopez hanging around a recording studio in Los Angeles on Friday: