Sorry guys, watches are cancelled. Clocks too (wall, desk, alarm, grandfather, cuckoo, all of them). Better go ahead smash your cell phone screen too while you’re at it because we will never have to look it them again. Taraji P. Henson made them all obsolete when she dressed for the premiere of her new Tyler Perry movie Acrimony and said “You know what, let me roll up in here wearing a suede bathrobe and let all this mother fuckers know what time it is”.
I really did plotz when I saw these pictures. Taraji poses like a beast! She’s got power pose after power pose on lock. The “who me?”, blam! The “this old thing?”, blam! The “You could never”, blam! The “Not today Satan!”, blam, blam! The “I’m gonna tear you up and spit you out, but fashion“, blam, blam, blam! Honestly, how dare she. When I try to pose it’s more like; “Potato”!, “Potato”! “Potato”! “Yam”! Tariji is daring you to find a flaw and if you do, it’s something wrong with your eyes, Sweetie.
I don’t normally go in for Tyler Perry’s “morality tale” movies but I might have to make an exception for this one. It looks more like a horror movie with Taraji running around looking like a sexy, wronged shark. I wouldn’t be too surprised if you told me that suede robe was made out of the bleached hide of a trifling man.
Mo’Nique may be an Oscar winner, but her most prized trophy is probably the lifetime achievement award she got from the Don’t Give A Fuck Society. If Lee Daniels ever does a sequel to Precious called Precious II: Preciouser, Oprah will probably be the one wearing a tracksuit as Mary, because Mo’Nique blew up that bridge and buried its ashes in a grave at the bottom of the ocean. Mo’Nique’s jaw bone must be a next-level kind of strong, because she worked it out while going off on how Lee Daniels told her that she wasn’t getting good roles after winning the Oscar for Precious because she was blackballed for being difficult to work with. Mo’Nique says she was supposed to play Cookie in Lee Daniels’ Empire and the role that Oprah played in The Butler was originally hers.
Lee also supposedly told Mo’Nique that she didn’t play the game. He also pretty much confirmed to The Hollywood Reporter in 2015 that he’s fucking done with Mo’Nique professionally. But Mo’Nique isn’t done calling him out and this weekend, she also dragged Oprah and Tyler Perry into it. I raise my hands and praise any David who goes up against one Goliath (let alone three), but even I’m dropping my arms so that I can use one hand to cup Mo’Nique ear and say, “Err, I don’t know if you want to find yourself acting alongside Mr. Fluffy in a kitty litter commercial.”
Since The Sound of Music Live! and The Wiz Live! were hits, the live TV musical is so now and everyone’s doing them. Fox’s train wreck shit show (I’m hoping) Grease Live! hasn’t aired yet (that happens on January 31st), but they’ve already announced their next TV musical. The Hollywood Reporter says that around Eastertimes next year, Fox will serve up a big, fat, foolery-glazed ham in the form of a live musical about the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus. (“So basically it will be a shitty version of Jesus Christ Superstar?” – everyone)
Tyler Perry will host. I know lying is a sin, so I’m not doing that when I say that I really want to see Madea as Mary Magdalene.
Tyler Perry stars as attorney Tanner Bolt in the film adaption of that goddamn ever-present Gone Girl book. Madea told Yahoo Movies that she had no idea who director David Fincher was, had never heard of the book, and wouldn’t have done the movie if she’d known how popular the two were. She’s so indie.
“I probably would have walked away from it. If I had known who David Fincher was, and his body of work, or if I’d known the book was so popular, I would have said, No,” he admits. “And my agent knew that! He didn’t tell me until after I signed on!”
I had no idea Tyler lived in a hermetically sealed arthouse cinema which only plays the films of Cassavetes, Bergman, Truffaut, Goddard, and Fellini (I have access to Wikipedia). When did this bitch get so bougie? HES FUCKIKNG MADEA. There are eight Madea films which don’t exactly play at the Brattle in Harvard Square. He didn’t know who David Fincher (Se7en, The Social Network, The Curious Case of Benjamin Buttons, Panic Room, need I go on?) was? This bitch inexplicably popped up in the middle of the Star Trek remake and didn’t know who David Fincher was? Those fake tits under that housedress are full of LIES.
I’ll give him Gone Girl cuz’ not everyone’s a reader and I’m guessing he doesn’t take the subway.
Check out the latest trailer for Gone Girl and a couple of pics of Madea stooping to appear in utterly commercial and soulless cinema below. Hallelujer!
We’ve been talking about this Gone Girl movie for so damn long that I really thought it came out months ago, whores already had a meltdown over the new ending and I finally watched it a couple of weekends ago on Starz while drunkenly channel flipping. What I’m saying is that I have the memory a a stringy piece of goldfish shit and that Gone Girl hasn’t come out yet. That shit doesn’t come out until October and Fox’s marketing department is slowly dragging out its advertising plan, because they know that every time they release one, little thing about this shit, crazy whores who loved the book will start scrapping with crazy whores who hated it. Over the weekend, they released a few evidence bag posters promoting the second trailer which came out today. Yes, they’re giving us posters for trailers now and soon there will be trailers for posters for trailers for posters for trailers for posters for trailers for posters, because anticipation is a drug.
Sadly, the second trailer doesn’t show us more of Ben Affleck running like a fat kid with diarrhea trying to get a toilet before his ass explodes, but the second trailer does show a lot more including lots of Casey Wilson, Sela Ward and Doogie Howser as the Aaron Carter to Rosamund Pike’s Hilary Duff. And Ben’s face is really punch-able in this trailer, so he did his job! But then again, when isn’t Ben’s face punch-able?
And if YT rips that trailer down, click here to see it.
Radar says that it will be a long ass time before RiRi stars in Tyler Perry’s The Diary Of A Single Mom Who Blames Herself For Getting Married and it’s all because of some advice that Whitney Houston whispered into her ear before floating on up to the doody bubble-less Shangri-La in the sky. The media made it sound like Whitney and Tyler Perry were kiki sisters who’d get into matching pink satin shorty short pajamas, crawl into her bed and share a blunt and a 6-pack of wine coolers while talking shit about Oprah and discussing the dangers of doing butt sex when you’ve got a doody bubble loaded in the chamber. Tyler Perry told The Mighty O last year that he let Whitney use his private jet for trips to rehab and he supported her up until the very end. But according to Radar, Whitney would say to Tyler, “Bitch, your bussy is owning the game in those pants,” and then turn around and say to RiRi, “Don’t ever do one of those bitch’s movies…. Oh, and his bussy looks a melting Styrofoam carton full of old meat in those pants.”
Radar’s source says that Tyler Perry has been trying to get RiRi to star in one of his movies for over a year, but she keeps turning him down. Every time Tyler asks to have a meeting with RiRi, Nippy appears on her shoulder and says, “Don’t do it, bitch!” Whitney and RiRi talked about Tyler Perry’s movies at some party a few years ago and Whitney told her that only black has-beens do his movies. Radar’s source had this to say:
“Although Tyler has been courting Rihanna for a year and a half, hoping to build a movie around her, she has rejected the idea. Rihanna has pointedly avoided meeting with him! Whitney put her off Tyler by warning her bluntly that ‘Tyler’s films are for fading black stars, not rising ones. “Rihanna so respected Whitney because in addition to being one of the biggest pop stars ever, she starred in hit movies such as The Bodyguard. She’s ruling out doing a Tyler Perry-style romantic comedy because she thinks she works better in action roles, playing the tough girl.”
RiRi shouldn’t just rule out doing a Tyler Perry movie, she should rule out doing ALL movies, because I made the mistake of watching parts of Battleshit while sober and they really should’ve CGI’d some human emotion into her. I love that Whitney kept it shady until the very end, but while she was throwing out advice at RiRi back then, she also should’ve advised that trick to permanently dismount off of Chris Brown’s Gumby dick before she really goes nuts and runs for the crack pipe.
And that wind that gracefully just braced your cheek is either from Michael Jackson slapping Whitney’s head with a rhinestone glove for shading his sister or it’s from Michael Jackson slow clapping over Whitney shading his sister.