Category: Twit And Twat

Open Post: Hosted By Phoebe Price’s Very Demure Lunch Ensemble

July 28, 2015 / Posted by:

If you tried to go to dinner at a restaurant in L.A. last night and were told that the place was closed temporarily due to a massive flood of jizz, coochie slobber, nipple nectar and drool, you now know why. Phoebe Price had lunch at that same restaurant and caused dozens of peens, chochas, nipples and mouths to leak when she opened up her blazer and revealed her freckled cornish game hen chichis stuffed into an extremely sophisticated pasties bra thing. This look is very “Madonna in the Express Yourself video” meets five hundred layers of extra pure elegance.

In the past month alone, Chicken Cutlets has posed on the street with her nalgas out and has almost flashed her precious vagine in a Comic-Con photo shoot. So we’re probably just a few days away from her going full modest by posing naked and spread-eagle in front of a Pinkberry. The earth’s core will melt from the understated beauty of it all.

And someone should really call the ASPCA on PP, because it’s obvious that her dog Henry is almost suffering from heatstroke from being hit with the rays of hotness that are shooting off of her body. It’s like lying on the sun, if the sun smelled like grilled chicken, foundation and freshly bloomed ginger roses.

I also threw in pictures from this morning of the Queen of the Ho stroll meeting the former Jokers of the Ho Stroll, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. It is so charitable of PP to share her ho stroll photo shoots with those less famous than her. St. Chicken Cutlets, she is.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

This Is What Joe Millionaire Looks Like Now: Would You Hit It?

March 20, 2015 / Posted by:

You probably have a framed picture of Joe Millionaire circa 2003 hanging above your computer, but in case you’re one of those weirdos who don’t have that, here’s what he looked like back then:

joemillionairelookslikethenback

Evan Marriott was the star of the gigantic reality shit show, Joe Millionaire, where he, a construction worker, pretended to be a multi-millionaire while dating a bunch of chicks. It was basically like The Bachelor, but better, because at least the last chick standing got a big check. Evan chose Zora Andrich and when she found out that he wasn’t a millionaire, she agreed to stay with his ass anyway. Because she didn’t pick up her gold digging shovel and split after finding out he’s not rich, she and Evan won a check for a million dollars, which they split. As expected, they didn’t last, but at least they both got $500,000 out of it.

After the show ended, Evan hosted a failed game show on the Game Show Network before going back to construction. Evan showed his face last night at the Evolution of Relationship Reality Shows discussion at The Paley Center for Media in Beverly Hills. Joe told UsWeekly that he’s still working in construction and he’s glad he’s back to being a nobody:

“I went back to work. I’m a contractor. I was saying backstage that after the show, you don’t know what to do, where to go with your life. Some friends got together, had a little intervention, a come to Jesus moment. [They] said, ‘You can’t come by our offices and just hang out anymore, and say: ‘What are you doing today?’ It was like, ‘What are YOU doing today?’ And I was just going to the bar.

I started a business for myself and everything has been great. I did my first job… I got it, and literally was almost in tears. I called my dad and said, ‘I feel like I’ve just been paroled, this is where I should have been, you know?'”

Back in 2003, Evan Marriott (I think I’ve stayed at the Evan Marriott before) looked like a failed boy bander who sprayed his balls with Cool Water and would leave a thick layer of gel on your pillow after a one night fuck. The Evan Marriott of today looks like the kind of dude who leaves his boots on when he fucks, uses chewing tobacco-infused spit as lube and sanitizes his finger with Coors Light before sticking it in your b-hole. Yes, I’d hit it now, I’d hit it then, I’d hit it anytime.

Here’s more pictures of all the bright shining reality shit show stars of the past that showed up last night including one of my favorites Darva Conger. If they wanted to show the evolution of relationship reality shows, they didn’t need all those people. They could have just brought out a toilet, dropped a turd in it and then flushed it. There you go.

Pic: Wenn.com

Spencer Pratt: Educated But Still Dumb

December 6, 2013 / Posted by:

If you’re wondering what Spencer Pratt has been up to lately (I’ll wait while you search high and low for that fuck your mom gave you for your birthday last year), the half of the collective asshole formerly known as Speidi made up of 99.99% less silicone and with a 47% more punchable face has been getting his learn on at USC.

“I’m done with classes,” he tells Us Weekly exclusively. “I still have one final, Spanish 3, but thankfully I have two weeks to study for it. My degree is going to be in political science.”

More like Poly Sigh since NOBODY asked. He also tweeted: “Today was my last day of College @USC! Best 10 years of my life! #Trojans”, breathing some life into the Clooney side of the “celebrities on Twitter are morons” debate. When asked by US Weekly why it took him so long to graduate, Spencer took a quick second to yank out his anal beads or Heidi Montag‘s old implants or whatever the hell he shoves up there to let his mouth do the talking once in a while and talked out of his ass, saying he was too busy “being famous” and he should “probably have a doctorate or two” by now.

Spencer should have used the last ten years of his life studying finance because InTouch says he and Heidi managed to blow through $10 million in four years. They spent $100,000/month maintaining Heidi’s Japanese hump doll look, $10,000/week at restaurants and $2.5 million on Heidi’s album that anybody with ears could have told them wouldn’t have gotten off the ground with pulleys, industrial hydraulics and a prayer. He also compared himself and Heidi to Jay-Z and Beyoncé and I think we can just let Bey take this one.

(Pic: Wenn)

We Should All Feel Safer Knowing That These Two Dildos Own A Bunch Of Guns

February 20, 2013 / Posted by:

Ever since Celebrity Big Brother, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have been bright shiny A-list stars in the UK (not at all), so of course Channel 5 aired a special about them on Monday night. During the special, Twit and Twat took the cameras into the garage of his parents’ beach house in Santa Barbara, CA (where their asses are living for free since they’re broker than a Lohan) to show off their collection of guns including an FBI sniper rifle and a rapid engagement precision rifle. Of course, none of those names really mean anything to Heidi since she had her brain lipo’ed out to make her head skinnier. The only thing Heidi knows is that she can use that gun to shoot people! Translation: we’re all fucking doomed.

As HuffPo (via IDLYITW) says, Spencer shows the people of Britain that in America we can own guns and he owns a lot to protect himself from stalkers and “crazed fans.” WHAT FANS?! These bitches. If Twit and Twat have any fans, then I’m sure those fans have already been declared certifiably insane by the state and are locked up in the padded basement at Briarcliff. I’m sure they’re safe.

Twit and Twat share a brain with Brittany from Glee (no offense to Brittany from Glee), because they thought the Mayan Apocalypse was going to happen so they spent all of their money last year. So that should tell you how good they are at making smart decisions.

And does anybody know if TJ Maxx sells bulletproof helmets and bulletproof onesies, because I’m going to need to wear that shit all the time now that I know that these two dick queefs own a bunch of guns.

The Triumphant Return Of Heidi Montag

October 20, 2012 / Posted by:

I know you can’t resist the urge, so I’ll wait here as you throw a sugar cub at the screen.

One time when I went horseback riding in Ensenada, Mexico, one of the tourists riding next to me said something super cheesy like, “A horse is an angel without wings.” I never agreed with saying until I saw these pictures of the ethereal Heidi Montag making a comeback to the spotlight the way all A-list superstars make a comeback to the spotlight: by hosting an anniversary party for a Las Vegas strip club.

Ever since Heidi Montag’s Emmy-winning reality show Famous Food ended last year, I’m sure you’ve been wondering what she and her mutant tampon of a husband have been up to (no, you haven’t). Well, most of us figured that she’s been keeping busy by working the 7am to 11am shift on Mondays and Wednesdays at the Spearmint Rhino strip club in City of Industry, CA, but nope. The real-life Tawny Horse tells UsWeekly that she’s been keeping busy by working out, helping Spencer Pratt get his poly-sci degree from USC (????) and working on her memoirs. The part of Heidi’s brain that knew how to read and write was lipo’ed out by her plastic surgeon (RIP!), because fat brains are gross (ewww!), so she’s writing her memoirs in stick figure form only. It could take a while.

Since Heidi and Spencer wasted all the millions they made on dumb as shit decisions, they’re currently living in his parent’s house. On Friday nights, Heidi is usually cleaning the toilets and windows in the Pratt house in exchange for room and board, but they gave her the night off so she could make a long-awaited appearance at the Las Vegas strip club named after her, Crazy Horse III.

Thank the plastic Gods for that, because look at all the equine elegance she served up.

Iconic Beauty Courtney Stodden Tells Us All About Her Wedding Night

September 23, 2011 / Posted by:

Listening to your own mom go into detail about her yeast infection situation is slightly less uncomfortable than exposing your sense of hearing to the overly forced soft-core Spice Channel ludicrousness that slithers off of 17-year-old Courtney Stodden’s lizard tongue when talking about how she lost her virginity on her wedding night at the #1 honeymoon destination in the country: Chateau Marmont in fucking Hollywood.

The plastic velociraptor who was brought to life using Rhonda Shear’s DNA tells Radar that as soon as her 51-year-old husband Doug Hutchison plucked her precious blossom (may the FBI break down my front door and put me out of my misery for that one), her body went on a 24-hour-long orgasm coaster. It’s a damn shame that The Red Shoe Diaries isn’t around anymore, because this ho would’ve been their head writer.

“We went to the Chateau in Hollywood it was so beautiful it was a wonderful experience. I was aroused for 24 hours straight.”

Courtney was a 16-year-old virgin in the vagina at the time and Doug has a face like a 3-day old bacon cheddar ball warmed up in an Easy Bake Oven, so she’s probably confusing “nauseous” with “aroused.” Speaking of the heaves, Courtney said that if she ever went to college she’d study her husband’s body:

“I would go to college and study all of Doug. All of his body, and all the elements within that. What they do and what they still do. It would be a lot of fun.”

I don’t even really know what that means and I don’t think this bitch does either. Courtney then said that Doug is like Hazel to her Missy.

“He’s cooking for me, cleaning for me, he’s like the wife around the house. He picks up the slack around the house and that’s very inspiring to me.”

“That’s very inspiring”?! It’s like everything that comes out of Courtney’s mouth was Mandarin translated into English translated into Cantonese translated back into English on Google Translator. Courtney’s entire vocabulary consists of all the words found in Viagra spam.

And just because Doug’s face looks like a rode hard vagina molded out of Play-Doh doesn’t mean he’s been near an actual vagina.

If you need to see the video of this mess of an interview, click here and proceed with caution. That shit should be shown in every child beauty pageant dressing room with a note underneath it that reads: WARNING – This is your future.

And no, I can’t look away either.

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