Open Post: Hosted By Twinkies Cereal, Which May Become An Actual Thing

I’m glad to see that cereal companies don’t give a single fuck about the rise of childhood diabetes in the world–as it’s being reported by Food & Wine that a new cereal is on the horizon. Twinkies cereal, which looks like a cross between fried maggots and uncut penises, may be coming soon, so expect blood sugar levels to get to some dangerous levels.

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Prince William Looks A Mess As A Brunette

This morning, NBC released the first picture of Marnie from Girls and Brian Williams’ daughter, Allison Williams, in full Peter Pan drag for their Peter Pan Live! musical ship wreck extravaganza. At first my eyes saw Justin Bieber, but Allison Williams’ guns are way too loaded to belong to the Biebs and she’s making a “just had a root canal” face instead of his signature “having ass sex while constipated as hell” face.

When NBC first announced that Allison Williams won the role of Peter Pan by calling them up and saying, “I am the daughter of NBC’s sweetheart and I want to play Peter Pan,” I prayed to the busted wig gods that her wig would be as busted as the wig Zoe Saldana wore in NBC’s butchering of Rosemary’s Baby. They didn’t totally disappoint and I’m pretty sure they recycled Zoe’s shitty, polyester mop for this. But in Allison’s defense, she did offer to take a Flowbee to her luscious Breck Girl locks for the role. You know, because Allison is a serious Thespian who is 100% loyal to her craft and would definitely miss out on a possible future multi-million dollar haircare endorsement by taking a machete to her hair for some messy NBC musical. Allison said this about the wig situation on Today:

“I sort of very tentatively offered to cut my hair, I was like, ‘You know, if it’s a thing that would help I could cut my hair,’ and they were like, ‘You’re welcome to do that, we’re still gonna put you in a wig.'”

Uh huh.

Judging by those hot Spandex biker shorts and that fishnet-sleeved top (which was previously worn by an extra in Pat Benatar’s video for “Love Is A Battlefield”), I’m guessing that this Peter Pan is set in the 80s (I WISH). Or the second store on the right in Neverland is a Hot Topic.  Either way, I can’t wait for this beautiful mess.

via @TODAYShow

What Would Mr. Moseby Say? Dylan Sprouse’s Naked Body Hits Tumblr

And with that headline, I just admitted that I’ve seen an episode of The Suite Life of Zack & Cody once, but in my defense my little cousins made me watch and I was too stoned at the time to defend myself. Tip: If you’re ever going to watch a rerun of that shit, make sure you’re 5 years old or stoned out of your skull or both!

Dylan Sprouse, one half of the Sprouse Twins who starred in the Disney Channel’s The Suite Life… and Big Daddy, became the latest Disney ho to have his naked body spread all over the Internet. 21-year-old Dylan, who’s now a restaurant host and student at NYU, sent bathroom selfies of his twink ass body to some girl he was sexting with and the girl splattered the pics on Tumblr. Somewhere Joe Jonas is fapping and cackling (fackling?) at the same time.

Dylan could’ve screamed that he was HACKED or reworked Blake Lively’s excuse by saying it’s not him, it’s his twin, but he admitted it was him, said he fucked up and then joked about it on Twitter and Tumblr.

Whoops, guess I'm not 14 and fat anymore

— Dylan Sprouse (@dylansprouse) December 16, 2013

I messed up… but I'd be a fool not to own up to it. Got to move past it I suppose

— Dylan Sprouse (@dylansprouse) December 16, 2013

move past it in a sexy way tho ~~ pic.twitter.com/rG7mgjyvZM

— Dylan Sprouse (@dylansprouse) December 16, 2013

If you really want to know what the kid from Big Daddy looks like all grown up and with a shaved crotch bush, the pictures are after the cut. WARNING: If you’re expecting to see some twink peen, I hate to soften your nipples and dry up your b-hole, but there’s only a hint of shaft. His peen is shy like that. Continue reading

Papa Joe’s (Alleged) Sugar Baby Is (Allegedly) A Fame Whoring Twink

If Radar and The National Enquirer are both spreading the truth, then Papa Joe Simpson really does like to squeeze and lick the cream out of a Twinkie. The National Enquirer turned the knob and opened up Papa Joe’s closet door earlier this week when they said that his marriage turned to butt dust when he told his family that he loves the dick. The Enquirer’s source said that Papa Joe was slapping nuts with a 20-something boy toy and Radar thinks they know who it is.

Radar says that 21-year-old “aspiring model” Bryce Chandler Hill has been bragging to the gays in West Hollywood that he’s climbing his way up the fame ladder by climbing on top of Papa Joe’s good Christian dick. ONTD might’ve found some proof in this little flirty exchange on Twitter been BC and PJ last July. I don’t know if it’s because of that outfit or that flirty tweet from Papa Joe, but my b-hole just twitched itself into a temporary coma.

 Radar’s source says that Bryce met 54-year-old Papa Joe through TJ Espinoza, a back-up dancer and one of Jessica and Ashlee’s friends. Even though Papa Joe was lounging in the back of the closet with the lights turned off, Bryce was still blabbing about how he was boning and using Papa Joe to get ahead. None of Bryce’s friends believed him until this week. The source put it like this:

“Joe Simpson being outed by the National Enquirer was no surprise to the gay community in Hollywood, Bryce has been bragging about hooking up with Joe for a while now. Bryce is close to TJ Espinoza, who in turn is good friends with both Jessica and Ashlee and worked for Britney Spears as a back-up dancer. TJ introduced Bryce to the Simpsons – and that’s how he met Joe.

Bryce claims he’s been dating Joe for roughly a year and absolutely loves to boast about it because he loves being the center of attention. He’s also been quick to tell anyone that will listen that he’s using Joe to climb the showbiz ladder. Bryce is desperate to become famous, he’s done lots of modeling shoots and wants to become an actor. When he met Joe, he knew what a good job he had done in managing Jessica and Ashlee’s careers and wanted a piece of the pie himself. But the sad thing is, he mocks and laughs at Joe behind his back. He doesn’t care for him in the same way Joe does about him.”

Bryce said on Twitter that this story is made of lies.

I should’ve known that Papa Joe’s type would be a tanning bed-cooked twink who has side swept bangs just so he can fill the air with gold glitter when he flips his hair like a Breck Girl while dancing shirtless to a Robyn song in the middle of a WeHo gay club. The kind of twink who sprays Victoria’s Secret passion fruit body mist on his bleached butt flower. That would be Papa Joe’s type.

But you know, I feel sorry for Papa Joe. I don’t feel sorry for Papa Joe because he’s getting played by a spotlight-fucking, gold digging piece of tampon lint. I feel sorry for Papa Joe because he’s obviously trying to twinkify himself. Have you seen those tragic pictures at TMZ? Dude looks like Gary Busey as Ellen DeGeneres. Papa Joe needs the right gays around him. Papa Joe needs someone to tell him that wearing that sweater is only okay if you’re a Wakefield twin and that hair just made Ken Paves stroke his favorite shears and promise them that he’d never ever make them commit a hair massacre like that. Papa Joe’s hair is a level 10 tragedy. And that white iPhone? No words.

A mid-life crisis should not involve peroxide. It just shouldn’t.