Category: Truly Awful Music

Death To All Your Senses: Billy Ray Cyrus’ Hip-Hop Sequel To Achy Breaky Heart

February 11, 2014 / Posted by:

If you’re having the kind of day where you don’t really give a shit that your eye sockets will heave your eyeballs out onto the floor and your ears will close up along with your coochie and/or b-hole, then here’s the perfect thing for you.

Because Billy Ray Cyrus got sick of Miley Cyrus getting all the attention by terrorizing the retinas of the masses, he shot a shit puddle of a video for the sequel to Achy Breaky Heart with help from Dionne Warwick’s rapping son Buck 22, Larry King and a bunch of twerking Thundercat hos. Thanks to Larry King’s intro, the song and the pile of cut-off raccoon tails on Billy’s head, this video is the unsexiest thing ever.

Three questions:

1. Who, besides Billy Ray and his accountant, asked for a sequel to Achy Breaky Heart?

2. Why did Dionne Warwick let this happen?

3. How am I still typing even though all of my bodily functions have pretty much shut down and turned on me for watching all 3:33 minutes of this musical torture device?

via Gawker

Things That Make Me Want To Scream For An Adult: Alison Gold’s New Video

November 4, 2013 / Posted by:

If you still haven’t been able to go to Panda Express, because the nightmare that is Alison Gold’s “Chinese Food” is still too raw in your brain, then you might want to stay away from this too. It’ll instantly make you allergic to punch, puppets and windowless vans. Leave it to Patrice Wilson to make windowless vans even creepier.

Alison Gold and the evil doer who is responsible for Rebecca Black, Patrice Wilson of Ark Music Factory, are back with a dark-sided prequel to “Chinese Food” called “ABCDEFG” and it is A-P-E-D-O-P-H-I-L-E-W-R-E-C-K. Any music video that starts out with Patrice Wilson in Mister Rogers drag (Mister Rogers’ estate needs to sue his ass for SLANDER) peeping into a dollhouse window is the kind of video that is going to make your skin fall off of your body. It’s like watching a horror movie and I kept screaming at that Alison Gold girl.

At 0:15 – Girl, he’s behind you! We know you know your ABCs and shit, so stop singing and ruuuuuun!
At 1:00 – NO! Girl, DO NOT get in that van. Only serial killers (and worse, EMOs) write notes with cut-up magazine letters!
At 1:12 – WHY DID YOU GET IN THAT VAN?! And why does that van look like a bootleg, low-budget version of the Pussy Wagon from Kill Bill?

And it gets worse. Wilson’s Van takes Alison to the dance where Patrice roofies her punch with some love potion so the boy (or girl, I’m not sure) she likes falls in love with her. Patrice sucks at being a pedo wizard, because he put puppet potion in her punch instead of love potion. And then it ends with Patrice turning Alison’s little crush into Chinese food with a Chinese food potion and she eats her friend!

This is the absolute worst and most horrific after-school special ever and it doesn’t even have a happy ending. Somebody call the police, the FBI, Chris Hansen and everybody else.

(Thanks Oscar)

No, We’re Not Having A Good Time

October 2, 2013 / Posted by:

I guess all those seizures and guzzling down all those Purple Drank fucked up Lil Wayne’s entire being more than we thought, because the womb-raiding goblin of New Orleans somehow thought it was a good idea to rap on Wonky McValtrex’s latest musical herp outbreak “Good Time.”

In this snippet, Wonks is still the oldest whore at the teen rave and sounds like a slutty baby with acid reflux while she queefs out poetic lyrics like, “Yes, I’m having a good time and I might be a bit tipsy but that’s okay cuz you’re with me.” Bitch looks as plastic as her soul and those factory-defected swap meet colored contacts make her look like a 99 Cent Store version of the real-life Ukrainian Barbie.

I take back that first sentence. Lil Wayne hasn’t completely lost his gremlin mind, because he did spit out these words of truth: “All she know is suck fuck.” Throw in “and how to be trash” and that would be the most accurate description of Wonky ever.

via Gawker

Jesse Pinkman Has A Dance Song And It’s Called “Dance Bitch”

October 1, 2013 / Posted by:

If you’ve got the shakes and the meth sweats from coming to terms with the fact that you’ll never get another Breaking Bad fix again, this might sober you up. DJs Zen Freeman and Tom Neville asked Aaron Paul to say “BITCH” for the fifty billionth time in their new dance track “Dance Bitch.” It’s like Brit Brit’sWork Bitch” only a million times worse. Actually, I take back that whole “this might sober you up” thing, because this song made me want to smoke meth through my ears.

And since that song is pain for your ears, here’s some beauty for your eyes. It’s Aaron Paul going crazy and looking like a pirate with jizz in his eye while screaming at the paps during a walk with his wife in West Hollywood the other day.

Pics: PCN, Song: IDLYITW

What In J. J. Fad Meets FannyPack Hell?

September 30, 2013 / Posted by:

If you’ve always wanted to know what it would sound like if the members of FannyPack were turned into hillbilly chipmunks, inhaled too much freon and rapped a rejected J. J. Fad song together, then the authorities should really take your ears away, because you hate them and love to abuse them. But if you still want to hear that shit, here’s a shitty-quality version of “SMS (Bangerz),” the song that Brit Brit and Miley Cyrus did together for the latter’s new album (the whole album is streaming on iTunes if you really need to do that to yourself today).

If your ear drums cracked and shattered into a thousand pieces, you can send your doctor bill to Larry Rudolph, because he’s to blame for this mess. Larry is Miley’s and Brit Brit’s manager. That shit sounds like a warped cassette copy of Salt-N-Pepa’sPush It” played at high speed. I can already see the high school cheer squads twerking to this shit during competition. God, Buddha, Xenu and Bea Arthur  help us all.

via HuffPo

From The WTF Jukebox: Day Above Ground’s “Asian Girlz”

July 31, 2013 / Posted by:

I didn’t know Aaryn from Big Brother was a songwriter too!

If LFO and The Lonely Island slid themselves into the head of that racist UCLA wreck to write a parody song about Asian girls for SNL, it would probably sound a lot like Day Above Ground’sAsian Girlz.”  I really kept waiting for the lost member of Nickelback (aka the lead singer) to rip off his face and reveal that he’s really Andy Samberg, but it never happened.

If you haven’t heard of Day Above Ground, you will definitely hear more from them thanks to such poetic lyrics as “I love your sticky rice, buttfucking all night” and “it’s the Year of the Dragon, ninja pussy I’m stabbin’.” After this song and video got a whole lot of shit thrown at it, the girl in it, model Levy Tran, apologized on  Twitter and the band farted out this explanation:

This song is us, Day Above Ground, making fun of ourselves (and many, many other guys) obsession with the always lovely, Asian Woman. It pushes this concept to an absurd level, but at the same time is endearing & submissive.. WE ARE NOT RACIST, HAHA! I mean, look at our band, it’s multicultural!! The guy in the bow-tie, our cutie bass player, was born in Indonesia, and he steals the show!! Please don’t take this tongue-in-cheek tribute to some of the most gorgeous women on the planet too seriously!! You’ll ruin the fun of it all!! Thanks for watching, sincerely!!

You know, it is kind of poetic that she uses them as dildos at the end.

Not only is this song a mess, but they left out something major. At the end, they shout out all the most Asian towns in Southern California and yet they failed to shout out my hometown of Rowland Heights, which has been called the Little Taipei of the San Gabriel Valley. FOR SHAME! (Wait, maybe it’s a good thing that they left it out.)

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