You may be thinking that Dane Cook knocked up a chick 26 years ago without knowing it, and he was recently reunited with his secret 19-year-old daughter and here they are bonding over shakes. But that 19-year-old is singer Kelsi Taylor and she and 45-year-old Dane Cook are currently doing it full-time. I see that Dane is going from being accused of stealing a comedian’s jokes (Louis C.K.) to being accused of stealing another comedian’s (Jerry Seinfeld) dating habits by doing a teenager.
The Queen Mother of the Beyhive, Miss Tina Lawson, drew a tear to my eye when she did me proud back in 2015 by announcing her favorite spot to do Sunday brunch was not some high-fallutin’ $45 per mimosa spot. It was Costco!
John Mayer either whispered something semi-romantic like, “Tell your pharmacy to get the Valtrex ready because I’m going to fuck the herp into that puss tonight,” or something really romantic like, “My David Duke cock wants to fuck the Mexican out of that multi-racial puss.”
Demi Lovato’s coochie may have missed the steady diet of douche dick she got before breaking up with Wilmer Valderrama, because UsWeekly thinks that maybe she’s moved on to John Mayer. John and Demi showed up separately to a restaurant called Catch (John Mayer at a restauranted called Catch = TOO EASY) in L.A. on Saturday night, but once they both got inside, they sat next to each other and he supposedly blew a sweet Summer’s Eve breeze into her ear while wrapping his arm around her.
Last night at a Drake show in Chicago, Kanye West gave his wife a gold star in Snatchchatting and said that nobody can talk shit about him anymore (we can and we will). As Kanye showed the people that delusion still powers his brain, his nemesis Taylor Swift was all the way in Santa Monica, CA having a romantic dinner with Tom Hiddleston at the chain restaurant Hillstone. Sources say (no they didn’t) that the dinner was so romantic that Tom only looked down once at the Countdown app on his phone to see how much longer he has on his contract with her. Okay, he may have also looked at it real quick while she texted her publicist to let the paps know that they were about to sashay out.
All together now! “How can you just leave me standing? Alone in a world that’s so cold? (Soooooooooo cold!)”
Like the first and second nights of the Republican National Convention, the third night provided more messy awkwardness than bareback ass sex between two people on a juice cleanse. The inspiration for the Trollface meme, Ted Cruz, got the BOO BITCH treatment when he refused to officially endorse the prolapsed hemorrhoid clinging to the inside of his party’s butt walls. Laura Ingraham was accused of pledging her allegiance to Hitler. And Vice Presidential nominee, Mike Pence, stamped “return to sender” on the air kiss that Donald Trump blew at him.
After Anti-Gay Silver Daddy Pence spoke to the people, Donald Trump came out to greet him. Apparently, it’s tradition for the candidates to join hands and do a congratulatory double fisting into the air. But either Trump is continuing to shit on tradition or he’s an old-fashioned romantic, because he skipped the fisting and instead tried to plant an air kiss on Pence’s face. Even though the former (sad face) Trump/Pence logo has gone all the way and got into some p-hole creampie fun, Mike Pence is not ready to go to first base with Trump. This isn’t exactly “Trump motorboating Mayoress Rudella Giuliani” levels of awkward, but it’s up there.
Video: The Trump-Pence air kiss https://t.co/sp3R1Vp8go
— Bradd Jaffy (@BraddJaffy) July 21, 2016
That’s like a cross between a “kissy fish trying to eat food that’s not there” and a “fresh-off-the-bus innocent ingenue awkwardly giggling at the creepy movie producer who has promised to make her a star, baby.”
And it’s way too early in the day for me to check and expose my eyes to that, but has anyone (read: Ted Cruz) yet Photoshopped Tiny Trump in Mike Pence’s left hand?
Get your rice and subscription to sugardaddyforme.com out, because it’s time to celebrate! Texan supermodel and former wife of Mick Jagger, Jerry Hall married 80s movie villain and billionaire, Rupert Murdoch. The two love birds finally tied the knot yesterday in London in a private civil ceremony and then had the church ceremony today at St. Bride’s Church, reports People. Michael gave you the rundown on this fairytale, so for real, totally for love union the other day, but I’ll refresh your alcohol soaked minds.
Jer and Rupes – that’s what I call them. So cute, right? Write it all over your notebooks. – announced back in January that they were engaged after only four months of fancy dinners, in-home nurse assisted intercourse and, I’m sure, Pretty Woman style diamond necklace box finger snapping. Jerry is Rupert’s fourth wife (Wendi Deng 4ever!!!) and Rupert is Jerry’s first official on paper husband. Her marriage to Mick Jagger was declared null and void. Jerry has four kids with Mick and Rupert has six from two previous marriages.
The ceremony was an hour long and included a full choir and their children leading the speeches and celebration of true love ever lasting. Listen, even if my dad was Mick Jagger, I’d be high kicking, cancaning and singing the holy gospel if my mom was marrying a billionaire. Mick is loaded to the gills but Rupert has buy your own country kind of cash coin money dollar.
The bride wore blue (and flats! good for her!) and the groom wore navy. The bridesmaids, Jerry’s daughters, Elizabeth and Georgia Jagger, wore matching light blue dresses that they actually could wear again. Notable guests included frog lookalike Andrew Lloyd Weber, Michael Caine and former editor of The Sun, Rebekah Brooks. The church, St. Bride’s, is referred to as the “journalist’s church” because it’s on Fleet Street, London’s HQ for publishing, so it makes sense Rupes would want his (fourth) special day there considering he IS publishing. The church also has a memorial plaque dedicated to Rupes’s father, Sir Keith Murdoch, so that’s another Precious Moments figurine for you. I really do wish these two crazy kids all the best and happiness. If that dirty money has to go to someone, who better than Jerry Hall?! Hello! She gave us ‘Kept‘!
Check out the gallery for pictures from the day true love was truly defined: