Category: True Blood

Bless HBO: This Is The Reason Why Motion Picture Recording Devices Were Invented

June 30, 2014 / Posted by:

TRUE BLOOD SPOILER ALERT: But really, if you haven’t watched last night’s episode, then this is probably a spoiler that your down low parts want to be alerted to.

Bless the genius soul who shouted, “HOT GAY SEX!“, during a meeting when all the other producers and writers asked, “How in the hell are we going to fix this mess of a show?” Hot gay sex is always the answer to every single question. Some True Blood watchers are probably picking dried panty pudding nuggets out of their carpet this morning, because a quick minute into last night’s episode, HBO became the gay Skinemax channel and it was beautiful. Jason Stackhouse (Side note: Jason Stackhouse could totally play a young Dubya in a gay porn parody) had another gay wet dream and his latest one starred Panty Creamer Hall of Famer and giant viking vampire sex god Eric.

If every TV in the world shut down and stopped working, it would be okay, because the greatest scene in the history of television has aired and all the TV people can go home now. Their jobs are done. Someone said on another blog that the scene was completely unnecessary and totally pandering, but they need to be slapped twice across the face with the definition of “unnecessary,” because that Sean Cody with mood lighting scene was completely necessary. Ask all the slobbering v-holes and b-holes out there. There was even a major plot twist. Jason is a top!

Thank you to everyone who took part in creating the camera. Thank you to everyone who took part in creating HBO. Thank you to everyone who took part in creating ASkars. And I even want to thank everyone who took part in creating that cheesy background music. Because together, they created this beautiful, beautiful fanfiction come-to-life scene that is relevant to all of my interests. The only way it could’ve been better is if a naked Alcide busted through the wall and he and Eric spit roasted Jason. I’m sure the writers are saving that for the finale. Keep the pandering coming!

And it would be a perfect season if every episode was full of nothing but Jason’s wet dreams. Correction: It would be a perfect season if one episode showed Soooookeh and Beeeehl dying slow deaths and the rest of the episodes were full of nothing but Jason’s wet dreams.

The only video I found on YT is drowning in music, so it’s best if you watch it on mute with a tub of lube by your side.

Open Post: Hosted By Joe ManJello In A Suit

June 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Until I saw these pictures from the premiere party for the final season of True Blood, I completely forgot True Blood was coming back. Those bitches better not mess it up and by that I mean they better kill off pretty much everyone in the first 20 seconds of the first episode and the rest of the season should be nothing but Joe ManJello and ASkars dancing naked together in the snow. Okay they can keep Lafayette and Pam too.

Sadly, ASkars wasn’t at last night’s premiere thing, but Lafayette was there in a bow tie so big that it looked like it was eating his neck and Joe ManJello wore a suit that was once worn by a giant gorilla who played the banker in an old timey silent movie western. Joe ManJello in a suit always makes me laugh, because he never looks that comfortable and it looks like all that material is squeezing his giant muscles. It’s like trying to put one of Justin Bieber’s condoms on The Hammaconda. Joe ManJello’s suit is probably held together with Tyvek thread so it doesn’t come ripping off when he raises his arm. What I’m saying is that Tyvek should’ve never been invented and Joe ManJello should rip off that suit and free his muscles and nipples. It’s only natural.


True Blood Is Ending Next Year After 7 Seasons

September 3, 2013 / Posted by:

The president of programming at HBO made coochies and b-holes frown today by saying that True Blood will have its series finale next summer. True Blood’s 7th season will be its last and that means they only have 10 episodes to show us as much vampire, wolf and fairy dick as possible.

“True Blood has been nothing short of a defining show for HBO. Together with its legions of fans, it will be hard to say goodbye to the residents of Bon Temps, but I look forward to what promises to be a fantastic final chapter of this incredible show.”

Some are screaming THANK LILITH, because they think True Blood should’ve died with that hot bitch Maryann, but I’m sad to see it go. Mostly because during the 6th season finale, they gave us a shot of Eric’s flaming vampire viking dick and I was really hoping for many, many more seasons of his flaming vampire viking dick. Eric’s flaming vampire viking dick should totally get a spin-off.

(Pic via CampBlood)


The True Blood Season 6 Trailer Brought To You By Vampire Eric’s Nipples

May 4, 2013 / Posted by:

Here’s a new trailer for the sixth season of True Blood and what I’m taking away from this is that they’re still trying to make Billith happen, that hussy slut fairy Sookeh pulls in even more hot dick, they’re going to overload the memory box in my brain with even more new characters, Sarah Newlin is back, Alcide is topless (and hopefully mute) most of the time and there’s at least one scene featuring Vampire Eric’s nipples.

After the messy puddle of coagulated blood that was last season, I was hoping that they’d  simplify things for season 6 by only showing Eric and Alcide wrestle naked in slow motion for 10 episodes straight.

via The Hollywood Reporter


Sookeh And Beeeeeeeeehl Had Twins

September 11, 2012 / Posted by:

On a recent night at Merlotte’s, Anna Paquin sprawled out onto the pool table and hollered out a chorus of orgasm moans as her body twitched and pushed out two ethereal orbs of light that turned out to be two fairy vampire babies. No, True Blood isn’t just a show. It’s also a documentary about fairy birth and Anna Paquin is a fairy in real life.

A rep for Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer tell People that after being knocked up for what felt like a quick second, Sookeh birthed out twins sometime recently.

“We can confirm that Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer recently welcomed their twins into the world. The babies were born a few weeks early, but are in good health and both Mom and Dad are overjoyed.”

The rep didn’t offer up a name or even say if Sookeh and Beeehl had two boys, two girls or one of each. I’m going to go ahead and guess that Sookeh and Beehl haven’t come up with names yet, because she’s been too busy trying to explain herself after the twins came out looking like this:

Eventually they’ll call them Eric Lafayette and Erica Pamara.

Christopher Meloni Might Be On True Blood Next Season

November 30, 2011 / Posted by:

Alan Ball’s never-ending quest to fill True Blood with more man meat than John Travolta’s Scientolohole continues. The True Blood men’s gym, where Pam cracks a whip at man pieces while they do a million crunches in between takes, is about to get another member. TVLine is saying that Chris Meloni is in talks to return to HBO where he can proudly get dick out nekkid without censors clutching their rosaries.

TVLine’s source says Chris might play an “incredibly powerful vampire” who is a major part of next season. HBO is closing their lips to this rumor.

Every time I blink, True Blood’s moved in a new damn character. Characters are falling out of the sky on that show. Bong smoke has eaten away most of the memory chip shoved into my dead brain, so I have a hard time keeping track of all those new bitches. BUTT! I will approve of this if Alan Ball does the right thing by casting Chris as Count Cockula, a powerful vampire who only wears a cape and can only receive nourishment from sucking on the dick veins of werewolves (see: Joe ManJello). What I’m getting at is that Alan Ball better not give us another hot piece who slobbers over Sookeh’s fairy pussy. I can’t.

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