Nikki Reed Might Be Boning The Dude From The Vampire Diaries

Twilight actress (or for those of you with good taste, that sneaky no-good slut Evie from Thirteen) Nikki Reed announced waaaaay back in March that she had pulled the plug on her marriage to American Idol contestant Paul McDonald, and it looks like she’s finally found a new dick to dry her divorced tears on. Nikki was spotted on Sunday wandering around a farmer’s market in Studio City accompanied by The Vampire Diaries hottie and discount Rob Lowe impersonator Ian Somerhalder.

Nikki hasn’t officially confirmed that she’s hooking up with Nina Dobrev’s leftovers, but cruising the farmer’s market together on a Sunday morning is kind of a ‘more than friends’ sort of thing, right? Strolling around a farmer’s market is some couple shit, like getting side-by-side massages or splitting the Chicken Bellagio at The Cheesecake Factory. Then again, maybe they’re just giving each other casual hand-jobs over heirloom tomatoes. I dunno. I guess they’re throwing me off because Hollywood-types usually announce “HEY EVERYBODY, WE’RE FUCKING!!!” by getting papped grabbing a coffee.

Regardless, get it girl. But also, get him girl…to burn those awful slouchy dirtbag dad sweatpants. Have some damn decency, Ian Somerhalder; you’re at the farmer’s market! Ain’t nobody wanna see a loose dick swinging around while they’re sampling goat cheese.

Pics: Splash

Kim Kardashian Has Only Spent 9 Days With Kanye West Since They Got Married

“That’s nothing; she’s only spent 9 hours with me since I was born” – North West.

It seems that clever hooker Kim Kardashian has found a krafty way to make sure her latest sham of a marriage lasts longer than the previous one. According to Radar, Kim and her current husband Kanye West have only spent 9 days together since getting married 48 days ago, the majority of which were spent during their honeymoons. Ugh, remember how those assholes had two honeymoons? LOOKS LIKE IT WAS WORTH IT.

An “insider” (Pimp Mama Kris, do you ever take a break?) claims that Kim and Kanye have started living separate lives ever since Kanye discovered that his My Size Barbie only cares about Botox, herself, mirrors, herself, herself, herself, and Botox:

“Kanye now recognizes that Kim’s main interest are shopping and lounging around a pool,” the insider said. “It’s really concerning to Kanye that Kim doesn’t even want to try to experience new things.”

That’s not exactly fair; Kim tries plenty of new things. For starters, she’s sampled nearly every penis in the NBA. She’s always on the look-out for new black-market facial fillers. Not to mention how she tries a new husband every two years. Hell, she’s even trying to be a working mother, even though she neither works nor spends time with her child. If that’s not ambitious, I don’t know what is.

Besides, why does Kim need to spend time with Kanye right now? Filming for the 2-part KUWTK divorce episode doesn’t start for another couple of months.

And in case you need more pictures of Satan’s klassiest narcoleptic-faced hooker in your life, here’s Kim looking well-rested and alert at the Valentino show in Paris yesterday, as well as attending a Vogue party with the illiterate model one. Both times she decided to wear those sandals that make her feet look like stale loaves of challah, I see.

Pics: Instagram, Splash

Mila Kunis Says She’s Marrying Her “Movie Star Crush”

No, you don’t need to double-check what today’s date is on the calendar; W Magazine did, in fact, make an Austin Powers “Yeah, baby!” joke in 2014. I just got very sad.

Mila “Don’t Ask Me About My Pregnancy” Kunis is in this months W Magazine talking about, what else, her pregnancy. But also about her relationship with human pair of crusty-crotched Hollister boxer briefs Ashton Kutcher. Specifically, how she never wanted to get married, but changed her mind after getting douchematized by Ashton’s vinegar-scented penis:

“I never wanted to get married. From the age of 12, I prepared my parents for no marriage. Then things changed—I found the love of my life. Now my theory on weddings is: Don’t invite anyone. Do it privately and secretly. My parents are okay with that. They’re just excited that I said yes.”

Then, in a move that should have made the interviewer pick up the phone and place a collect call to the hospital from Girl, Interrupted, Mila admitted that out of every Tiger Beat poster she could have torn out and taped up on her bedroom wall, she picked the dry turkey sandwich from Dude, Where’s My Car?:

“We all get movie star crushes. I’m marrying mine.”

Damn, that’s embarrassing as hell, but I’m in no position to throw shade; I had a movie star crush on the guy who played Peter Brady in The Brady Bunch Movie, which seemed pretty fucking embarrassing until I hit up IMDB and discovered he’s now a producer for Bad Girls All-Star Battle. So for those of you side-eyeing Mila for crushing on the asshole from My Boss’s Daughter, just remember that there’s always a chance Ashton Kutcher could redeem himself by working on high art like a Bad Girls Club spin-off. PS – call me if you need a date to the Emmys, Peter Brady!

Here’s more of Mila looking like one of Don Draper’s Season 7 side pieces in W:

Beyoncé And Jay-Z Trot Out Their Super-Secret Wedding Video For The Opening Night Of The “On The Run” Tour

On Wednesday night, Beyoncé and Jay-Z opened their “On The Run From The Rumors That Our Marriage Is A Sham” Tour in Miami, and it’s a good thing the Razzies only recognize terrible acting in film, otherwise Bey and Jay would have swept this years ceremonies with their over-the-top portrayal of a husband and wife who are still soooo in looooove. Watching Beyoncé and Jay-Z try to act like a genuine loving couple is about as subtle and nuanced as the ‘no wire hangers’ scene from Mommie Dearest on a good day, but they really went next-level with the stunt queen bullshit last night.

During a mash-up of “Forever Young” (aka Beyoncé’s age on her doctored birth certificate) and “Halo” (aka the sweet spot on Jay-Z, according to Basement Baby) never before seen videos from their 2008 wedding were projected on a giant screen, along with home movies of the two of them playing with Blue Ivy. Upon seeing the video, Kim Kardashian was heard to remark: “Kaaaanye, tell my mom to get the camera! I want to make a video like Beyoncé! Ew, not the part with the baby, I meant I want to film another wedding, DUH. Besides, do we even have a daughter? We do? Whoopsieeeees.”

But knowing Stuntyoncé, releasing their super-secret wedding video probably wasn’t her first choice. The original plan was to burst from a cloud of smoke on stage holding a tiny 24K gold toilet and nodding to the audience like “That’s right y’all, Queen Bey got a case of the baby barfs!” while she rubs at the 2-month bump tucked into her Spanxed-up stomach. Unfortunately, when she went to check on her fake pregnancy pillow, she noticed it was all misshapen from Basement sleeping on it, so she was forced to order a new one, but it won’t be delivered for another 8 weeks, and she tried stuffing it with old weaves, but it just looked like an overgrown pube bush. So she had to go with Plan B and dig out the VHS tape marked “FOR PUBLICITY USE ONLY”.

Here’s more of Beyoncé and Jay-Z really selling that Perfect Family Realness at last night’s first “Got The Runs” show in Miami. If Jay-Z’s hat were any smaller, he’d receive a cease-and-desist from the shanked ghost of Adebisi from Oz.

Pics: Splash

Cameron Diaz Is Apparently Really Into Benji Madden

Even way back in 2004, that tattoo of Skeleton Abraham Lincoln is like “Four score and WTF is going on here?”

When it was first announced that pussy power motivational speaker and carefree slut Cameron Diaz had started rubbing her parts against Hot Topic troll Benji Madden, pretty much everyone gave Cameron a Michael Bluth-style “Him?”. Really, Benji Madden? The human Hot Topic vinyl toy? The back-up Madden brother? Male Avril Lavigne?

But that was two weeks ago, and if holding hands and getting coffee is any indication of the status of a relationship, then it looks like Cameron and Benji are still bumping woo-woos. Which means Camji (I hate myself for writing that) is technically more than a questionable random one-night-hump thing. And according to People, it may have the potential to go on ANOTHER two weeks!

“The relationship sort of hit Cameron out of nowhere,” a source close to Diaz tells PEOPLE. “She’s always been open-minded when it comes to men. She just wants to have something in common with them and find a personality that loves life and loves as hard as she does.”

“She’s at a point in her life where she would love to settle down, but for now with Benji it’s about being happy and taking things as they come,” the pal says. “She’s happy … really happy.”

That’s an awful lot of words for “It’s good dick.” Because why else would you date a dude who falls somewhere on the Kinsey Scale of Douchery between AXE Body Spray and John Mayer? Whatever, it’s Cameron’s pussy, and if watering her precious flower with vinegar brings a smile to her face, then who am I to judge?

And I feel like any time Cameron Diaz stays with someone long than 14 days, her pussy should present them with a little rolled-up certificate and a small trophy to congratulate them on delivering the kind of dick that is able to temporarily tame Cammy’s hungry hungry hoo-hoo.

Pic: Getty

Bitch Moves Fast: Olivia Munn Got Herself A New Boyfriend In 2 Weeks

“Good work, you two.” – Olivia Munn to her breasts.

Olivia Munn, aka not the one who got knocked-up by January Jones’s alleged sperm donor, confirmed she had ended her two-year relationship with the dude who played RoboCop in that not-good RoboCop reboot (government name: Joel Kinnaman) on April 29th, and a little more than 2 weeks later, Us Weekly is saying she’s moved on to the quarterback of the Green Bay Packers Aaron Rodgers. Damn girl, 2 weeks? Doesn’t a pussy deserve time to recuperate from getting rode hard by RoboCop’s robotic dick? Let it put its feet up, take a Calgon bath, something.

Olivia and Aaron Rodgers met last month at the Academy of Country Music Awards last month, where the two presented an award together. Wait, the fuck was Olivia Munn doing presenting a county music award? Well, I guess they bonded over country music or something (her tits) and kept in touch, because the two were seen (don’t say it, Allison) canoodling (you asshole) on Saturday at a restaurant in Malibu. An eye-witness claims they “stole kisses” throughout dinner. EW. Stealing kisses? Was the eye-witness a Precious Moments figurine?

Because the only thing I know about football is that the failing to serve queso dip at a Super Bowl party is the quickest way to get me to leave, I decided to do a little research on this Aaron Rodgers fellow. Aaaaaand it turns out he’s kind of boring. Then again, anything is a major upgrade from the raging hemorroid-infected asshole Olivia once bumped her parts against. Plus, she’s probably getting a Cheese Hat out of it, so really, it’s a win-win.