Most of the time when someone comments with a wise-ass remark to a story on the Internet, I handle it with grace and elegance like I imagine Duchess Kate would. Nah, I definitely stalk their ass on social media while I burp up the two pints of Halo Top I just ate and try and find flaws before making equally as petty retorts. Jessica Chastain, however, did not attend the same skewl of hate (and screaming desperation) that I did and apparently handles her trolls with politeness and a donation to their GoFundMe. Continue reading
And she might’ve sucked out his eyeballs too. That’s the way a troll really says “I love you.”
The Daily Mail posted pictures of 28-year-old Mary-Kate Olsen wearing a plain band on her finger instead of the vintage engagement ring she pulled off of a confederate window’s skeletal hand while scavenging through graves like she does most nights. The pictures of MK and her 45-year-old French banker fiancé Olivier Sarkozy were taken a few days ago in the Hamptons. A “well-connected” source tells Lucky Magazine that the sneakiest troll who always asks you the hardest riddles when you try to cross the bridge and The Brain’s human twin ARE married. But another source tells Gossip Cop that MK and Olivier haven’t gotten married yet.
WHO TO BELIEVE?!
I sort of believe Lucky’s “well-connected source” (who is obviously Mary-Kate’s big-mouthed, do-gooder great uncle Ernest J. Keebler) because everyone but George Clooney’s extra ass is getting secret married. Getting secret married is the thing to do. My mouth is getting secret married to a pepperoni Hot Pocket as I type this. But I also believe Gossip Cop’s source. We would know it right away if a Trollsen got married. Every time a shifty troll from the dark part of the Enchanted Forest gets married, their reception has a huge spread full of squirrel nails, brow hair from toddlers and bear teeth. So I won’t believe it until I go outside and see a squirrel with acrylic nails, a toddler with painted on Sharpie brows and Khloe Kardashian adjusting her dentures.
That woman on the left who looks like she’s heaving, crying and laughing at the same time… That’s probably your reaction to all of this.
Last December, the small woodland creatures of the forest all scurried to find a safe hiding place, because they heard that 27-year-old Mary-Kate Olsen was going to get engaged to her 44-year-old French boyfriend Olivier Sarkozy and they knew she’d have to catch them to sacrifice them during the matrimonial ceremony. Well, those woodland creatures better not come out of their hiding places, because UsWeekly says that MK is really engaged to Nicolas Sarkozy’s Easter Island statue-looking ass half-brother. Some source says that after being together for two years, Olivier put a ring from Neil Lane Junior on MK’s finger and everyone’s happy about it. Her family loves him and his little kids love her, and probably because they can wear her clothes. The source spit this out:
“Mary-Kate has made him a better father. She remembers all the kids’ special events. She thinks he’s a great dad. Mary-Kate’s family thinks Olivier is the best thing to happen to her. They love him.”
Olivier Sarkozy looks like the hardest and most evil boss in a sci-fi video game from the 1990s and Mary-Kate Olsen looks like Super Mario is going to jump on her head at any moment, so they’re perfect for each other. Whores always complain about their age difference, but to me, MK has always looked like a 12-year-old girl whose body was possessed by an elderly French witch, so they make sense to me.
And if they ever have kids together, DAMN. I feel for that doctor’s hands, because that baby is going to be ALL forehead. That doctor’s going to keep pulling and pulling and all that’s going to come out of MK’s little body is forehead and more forehead. It’s going to look like a magician pulling a never-ending scarf out of a top hat.
…it was nice of the French Big Bad Wolf to show that Blind Mouse some affection before eating it.
Page Six says that the daughter of the Death Eaters, Mary-Kate Olsen, might be somebody’s wife soon, because she was seen trolling for huge diamond engagement rings at Neil Lane in Los Angeles recently. 27-year-old MKO and her 44-year-old French piece, Olivier Sarkozy, have been creeping bitches out with their love for about a year now and they are ready to join dark forces. Some source says that for the past three weeks, MKO has slithered into Neil Lane by herself to look at hitchin’ rings and she knows exactly what she wants:
“Mary-Kate has been seen several times in the last three weeks checking out huge engagement rings at the Neil Lane store. She really likes cushion-cut diamonds, and all of the rings she has looked at are over 5 carats. She has narrowed it down, but still hasn’t made a final decision.”
The source went on to say that several Neil Lane salespeople had to check into the nearest mental hospital, because every time MKO stood on five yellow pages in front of the glass counter and ran her claw along all the rings while cooing, “my precious….” to herself, a chill froze their souls and they were never the same again.
This story doesn’t make any sense. Why would MKO go shopping for her own ring and why would she go to Neil Lane? Olivier Sarkozy obviously knows MKO well enough to know that her dream engagement ring has a band made of the bones of babies and a hallowed out stone that holds the souls of virgin Muggles. She’s old-fashioned like that. MKO wasn’t at Neil Lane to buy her own ring. MKO was at Neil Lane to buy a beautiful diamond ring that she’ll use to lure the virgin princess into her cave so she can suck the youth out of that trick and stay looking like a 12-year-old. That’s it!
In Fargo, ND, a woman known only as Cheryl (how Madonna of you) has decided to take it upon herself this Halloween to teach fatties not to be fatties anymore by handing out letters of concern instead of candy. Wait, I’m sorry; she’s still handing out candy, just not to the fat kids. So if you’re dressed up as present-day Jennifer Hudson, you’re going home with a Fun Size Baby Ruth, but if you’re dressed up as Dreamgirls Jennifer Hudson, you’re going home with an 8.5×11 sheet of paper. Happy Halloween!!
In a Y-94 morning radio interview, Cheryl called in to express how concerned she is with all the overweight neighbourhood kids, and how it’s “really irresponsible of parents to send them out looking for free candy just ’cause all the other kids are doing it”. Every dentist in Fargo just breathed a sigh of relief knowing that giving out mini tubes of toothpaste no longer makes them the shittiest house on the street.
Cheryl got greedy and spilled the beans on her diabolical obesity-curing plan too early by calling in to Y-94 to brag about how above-it-all she is. Now along with a bunch of humiliated fat kids shuffling down her driveway with notes in hand, she’s going to have a line-up of parents ready to crumple that letter up into a ball and fire it back at her face. And that’s if she’s lucky! Cheryl might want to invest in some good rubber boots, because that radio station interview has given the neighbourhood kids plenty of time to match her paper-for-paper and leave flaming paper bags of dog shit on her doorstep.
It goes without saying that Cheryl is a human piece of garbage, but I will say this: that actual, physical letter wrapped me up in a warm blanket of nostalgia, and I love it. The CorelDRAW jack-o-lantern jpg from 1994 tells me this letter was most likely printed on Continuous form paper, and if you take out every reference to obesity or food and replace it with words like ‘Godless’ and ‘Path to Salvation‘, then you’d have the exact same letter that was handed out every Halloween by my born-again Christian bus driver in elementary school. Ah, those were the days.
Because we’re living in a not right and totally unjust society where it’s actually illegal to turn your car into a death machine by driving while plastered and the cops won’t always let you go if you give them a sloppy handy in the back of their car, White Oprah was charged with a DWI over a week ago and she was in court on Long Island today to answer to those charges. And she brought along my favorite character from Lindsay Lohan’s happy fun time court days: MARK HELLER!
White Oprah’s checking account is about as empty as her head, but good thing for her, Mark Heller is the kind of shady bridge troll who works for the toe nails of children and she has a few children who can grow those, so it’s a win/win for everyone! Mark and White Oprah played it extremely subtle by showing up to court in a chauffeured Rolls Royce. White Oprah pleaded not guilty, because Lohans are allergic to taking responsibility for their shit and because Mark Heller thinks that the judge may fall for the “it was a black kid in a White Oprah costume” defense.
TMZ says that White Oprah was released back into civilization without bail, but the court took her drivers license away.
I’m sure White Oprah will be vindicated! Mark Heller will successfully argue that yes, White Oprah blew a 0.20 on the Breathalyzer, but her blood alcohol level is always twice the legal limit. Bitch was born with a 0.20 blood alcohol level. She’s just always drunk. And besides, what judge will rule against a fancy lawyer who looks like a miniaturized Henry Wrinkler-on-the-barbie and carries a really fancy Louis Vuitton briefcase. You know a ho is serious when he’s carrying a Louis Vuitton briefcase. Fun fact: Mark’s Louis Vuitton briefcase is actually a regular-sized wallet and they put a handle on it especially for him. Bitch has got it like that.
And yes, I’m squeeing thinking of all the cute, little legal documents he’s got in that little briefcase.